Home > Arrested Development

Meat the Veals

male narrator: NOW THE STORY

OF A WEALTHY FAMILY WHO LOST EVERYTHING

AND THE ONE SON WHO HAD NO CHOICE

BUT TO KEEP THEM ALL TOGETHER.

IT'S ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. narrator: MICHAEL CAME HOME

TO FIND HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW, TOBIAS,

WHO'D BEEN KICKED OUT OF THE HOUSE EARLIER THAT WEEK.

- HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M GOOD.

DIDN'T I ALREADY SEE YOU TODAY?

- NOT THAT I KNOW OF. narrator: MICHAEL HAD SEEN HIM EARLIER THAT DAY,

AS TOBIAS HAD BEEN POSING AS AN ENGLISH NANNY,

NAMED MRS. FEATHERBOTTOM.

- WHO'D LIKE "A BANGER IN THE MOUTH"?

OH! RIGHT! I FORGOT.

HERE IN THE STATES,

YOU CALL IT "A SAUSAGE IN THE MOUTH."

- WE JUST CALL IT "SAUSAGE." narrator: THE FAMILY, OF COURSE, KNEW IT WAS TOBIAS,

BUT THE HOUSE HAD NEVER BEEN CLEANER.

- HELLO, YOUNG LADY.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WEEK.

- OH. RIGHT.

THAT MEANS MRS. FEATHERBOTTOM ISN'T HERE,

WHICH MEANS SHE DIDN'T IRON MY BLOUSE,

WHICH MEANS I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR

FOR MY PREMIERE.

THE PREMIER...OF CANADA.

HE'S GOING OUT WITH MY GYM TEACHER. narrator: MAEBY WAS ACTUALLY REFERRING TO

THE PREMIERE OF A FILM FROM THE STUDIO

WHERE SHE HAD CONNED HER WAY INTO A JOB

- OH, HEY. JACK.

DID YOU EVER GET A CHANCE TO DO THAT COVERAGE ON

"VOICES IN AMERICA: HISTORY AND PERSPECTIVE?"

- YEAH, I LOOKED THAT UP.

IT'S A NINTH-GRADE HISTORY TEXTBOOK.

- YEAH, AND IF I DON'T GET YOUR REPORT ON IT,

I WON'T BE ABLE TO PASS...

ON IT.

BECAUSE I HAVE A FEELING IT'S A PIECE OF [bleep]. narrator: UNFORTUNATELY, THE JOB

WAS WREAKING HAVOC WITH HER LANGUAGE.

- MAYBE WE JUST NEED A NEW [bleep] HOUSEKEEPER.

- OKAY.

I'M SURE SHE WOULD HAVE IRONED IT FOR YOU

HAD YOU TOLD HER ABOUT IT

BEFORE SHE CHANGED OUT OF HER BLOODY WORK CLOTHES.

BUT I AM OFF THEN.

- WELL, I GOT TO KEEP HIM TRYING,

AND THAT IS THE JOB.

- MICHAEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW?

- HAVING MY DAY RUINED

WITH WHATEVER YOU'RE ABOUT TO ASK ME TO DO.

- IT'S MY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

AND OSCAR WANTS TO THROW ME A PARTY.

- HE IS AWARE THAT HE'S NOT MARRIED TO YOU, RIGHT? narrator: IN FACT, OSCAR HAD STARTED TO PERCEIVE

THAT LUCILLE WAS PULLING AWAY FROM HIM.

- NOT NOW. IT'S MY TIME OF THE MONTH.

[inhales sharply]

NOT NOW.

I DON'T WANT TO RISK HAVING A BABY.

IT COULD KILL ME. narrator: SO HE WENT TO BUSTER FOR ADVICE

- I THINK SHE MISSES MY BROTHER.

- MY FATHER?

- YES? I MEAN, YES.

MAYBE I SHOULD THROW HER AN ANNIVERSARY PARTY.

- [gasps] OH!

SO WHEN HE DOESN'T SHOW, SHE'LL REALIZE THAT

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR US.

- WELL, I-I WAS THINKING

ONE MORE PARTY AND THEN I'D MOVE OUT,

BUT--NO. I-I LIKE YOUR PLAN BETTER.

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS

WE KNOW H-HE'S AROUND SOMEWHERE.

- WELL, HE NEVER RETURNED WHEN I LOST MY HAND.

BUT YOU, YOU NOT ONLY EMBRACE IT,

BUT I SAW YOU KISSING IT WHILE YOU THOUGHT I WAS SLEEPING.

[giggles]

[man singing] BAH-BAH-DAH-BAH

MMM

OKAY

- WHO KNOWS WHAT GOES ON IN THAT POT-ADDLED MIND OF HIS.

ANYWAY, IT'S A PARTY,

AND I WANT THE WHOLE FAMILY THERE.

- WE'RE HAVIN' A PARTY?

- NO.

WELL, I'M SORRY IF I DON'T WANT

YOU DOING ONE OF YOUR STUPID PUPPET SHOWS.

- I DID THAT ONCE, MOM.

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY COOL. narrator: IN AN EFFORT TO HIP UP HIS ACT,

GOB HAD BRIEFLY INTRODUCED A PUPPET.

- CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHIN', MY MAN?

SURE, FRANKLIN.

YOU ARE ONE COOL [bleep].

SPEAKIN' OF MOTHERS,

LET ME GIVE THAT OATMEAL SOME BROWN SUGAR.

- GET OFF MY WIFE, YOU BASTARD!

- OH, MAN. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

FRANKLIN SAID SOME THINGS WHITEY JUST WASN'T READY TO HEAR.

- GOB, WEREN'T YOU ALSO

MERCILESSLY BEATEN OUTSIDE OF A CLUB IN TORRANCE FOR THAT ACT?

- HE ALSO SAID SOME THINGS

THAT AFRICAN-AMERICANY WASN'T READY TO HEAR EITHER.

- YOU KNOW, MOM, WE HAVE NO IDEA WHERE DAD IS.

HOW'S HE GONNA HEAR ABOUT THE PARTY?

- WHY DO YOU HAVE THE BABY MONITOR OUT?

- I'M, UH, LISTENING IN-- - SHE WANTS HER MAN BACK.

- ON MY SON. - YO, MAN.

YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR SORRY WHITE ASS THROWN IN JAIL.

I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH. narrator: MICHAEL CAME UP

WITH AN EXCUSE HE KNEW HIS MOTHER WOULD UNDERSTAND.

- I'M LISTENING IN ON MY SON.

I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT HIS GIRLFRIEND, ANN.

- MY ADVICE,

GET ONE OF THOSE TEDDY BEARS WITH THE CAMERAS IN THEM.

I HAD ONE IN BUSTER'S ROOM

TO MAKE SURE HE WASN'T GETTING TOO SERIOUS WITH ANYONE.

AS IT TURNED OUT,

HE GOT TOO SERIOUS WITH THE TEDDY BEAR.

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY.

- GANGY'S HAVING AN ANNIVERSARY PARTY?

- SEEMS THAT WAY.

- HEY, IS FRANKLIN GONNA BE THERE?

- SEE THAT, MIKE? KIDS LOVE FRANKLIN.

- I JUST DON'T WANT HIM

TO POINT OUT MY CRACKER ASS IN FRONT OF ANN.

- OH...

IMAGINE WHAT HE'D SAY ABOUT HER.

- SO YOU WERE LISTENING IN ON GEORGE MICHAEL.

CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT HE ASKED ME THIS MORNING?

- HEY, DO YOU THINK MY MOM'S ENGAGEMENT RING

IS STILL AROUND?

- OF COURSE IT IS.

YOUR FATHER WOULD NEVER PART WITH SOMETHING SO PRECIOUS. narrator: IN FACT, LINDSAY

WAS CURRENTLY WEARING IT ON HER MIDDLE TOE, ROAST BEEF.

- YOU KNOW, I'M THINKING OF ASKING ANN TO GET PRE-ENGAGED.

-YOU ARE? - YEAH.

WELL, I FEEL LIKE GOD MOVED HER HERE FROM OHIO

JUST TO BE WITH ME.

- HER?

- WELL, THAT'S THE FIRST I'VE HEARD OF THIS.

- WELL, THEN WHO SAID, "HER?"

- ME. THAT WAS-- THAT WAS ME.

BUT, UM, HER?

- LOOK, IT'S JUST A PRE-ENGAGEMENT.

IT'S EXCITING.

YOU KNOW, IT'S YOUNG LOVE.

I HAD IT ONCE. A MAN I LOVED.

- HERE'S YOUNG MAEBY'S BLOUSE.

- AND THEN THINGS TOOK A TURN SOMEHOW.

- MASTER BLUTH.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A WEEK'S TIME.

- OH, ACTUALLY,

YOU TRIED TO PUT A BANGER IN MY MOUTH THIS MORNING.

- OH, WAS IT THIS MORN-- WELL, I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST SO EXHAUSTED.

- SO I'M JUST GONNA TALK TO MY SON.

I'M GONNA TELL HIM THAT I'M AGAINST THIS.

I DON'T--I DON'T LIKE HER.

- YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF YOU STOP JUDGING HER,

HE'D TRUST YOU.

LOOK, IF YOU SAY NO,

YOU'RE JUST GONNA DRIVE HIM RIGHT TO HER.

- HEY, DAD. CAN YOU DRIVE ME TO ANN'S?

N-N-N...

Y-YES.

- GREAT. I'LL WAIT IN THE CAR.

- I DON'T THINK THAT WORKED. narrator: MEANWHILE, GOB WENT TO CHECK

ON THE ONE FRIEND WHO DIDN'T MIND HAVING HIM AROUND.

- GET YOUR LOSER HAND OUT OF MY ASS.

HELLO, SON.

- OH, DAD. I THOUGHT--DAD?

THIS IS WHERE YOU'VE BEEN HI--

MICHAEL.

- I JUST CAME BACK BECAUSE OF YOUR MOTHER.

SHE'S WITH MY BROTHER ON MY ANNIVERSARY.

BUT I GOT AN IDEA FROM GEORGE MICHAEL.

I NEED TO RECOMMIT MYSELF TO YOUR MOTHER.

- HER?

- BUT YOU GOTTA GET ME INTO THAT PARTY.

THEN YOU GOTTA TAKE ME TO THIS CHURCH.

I FOUND THIS BROCHURE THAT ANN LEFT BEHIND.

- WELL, THAT'S GONNA BE TOUGH. I'M NOT REALLY ALL THAT INVITED.

- I GOT IT ALL WORKED OUT, BUT I NEED A LIMOUSINE.

- I--I CAN DO THIS, DAD. I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PROUD.

- NEVER TOO LATE TO START. narrator: AND MICHAEL DROVE TO ANN'S HOUSE,

WHERE HE FINALLY GOT TO MEET ANN'S PARENTS.

- THIS IS MY FATHER, PASTOR TERRY VEAL.

- HELLO.

- OH, PASTOR.

I-I DIDN'T KNOW. YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.

- I TOLD YOU. - I DIDN'T--NO, YOU DIDN'T.

- PEOPLE TREAT YOU SO DIFFERENTLY

WHEN THEY FIND OUT YOU'RE A MAN OF GOD.

- OH, BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

- OH, ARE YOU A CHURCHGOING MAN?

- I AM.

SOMETIMES. YES. I DON'T GO RELIGIOUSLY.

I MEAN, I'M NOT A NUT ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A NUT

WHEN IT COMES TO RELIGION, PASTOR.

- I'VE MET A FEW.

- I'M SURE IF YOU'D LOOK A LITTLE BIT CLOSER,

YOU'LL FIND SOME VERY EARNEST PEOPLE

THAT ARE JUST DOING THEIR BEST.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOIN', DAD? - I'M NOT SURE.

WHY DON'T YOU TWO KIDS RUN ALONG

AND LET US GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER A BIT BETTER?

THANK YOU.

- MAYBE I SHOULD GET MY WIFE. HONEY.

- OKAY.

- THIS IS GEORGE MICHAEL'S FATHER.

- THIS IS YOUR WIFE.

DIDN'T--DIDN'T REALIZE YOU COULD REMARRY.

- WHAT? - IS THIS ANN'S MOTHER?

- I'M MRS. VEAL. - I'M SORRY. I JUST--

I DID NOT EXPECT SOMEBODY SO YOUNG.

- NEXT YOU'RE GONNA SAY HOW ANN AND I CAN BE SISTERS.

- NO, I'D NEVER SAY THAT.

LISTEN, I'M HERE BECAUSE I THINK THAT MY SON MIGHT BE

PLANNING ON ASKING YOUR DAUGHTER TO GET PRE-ENGAGED.

- OH, MY GOSH. - OH, MY GOSH.

WELL, THAT IS SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE.

CAN WE OPEN UP SOME SPARKLING APPLE CIDER?

- MM, NO.

- OH, DID YOU WANT US TO GO DOWN TO THE LIQUOR STORE

AND GET YOU SOME LIQUOR?

- NO.

DON'T YOU THINK THEY'RE A BIT TOO YOUNG?

- OH, WE GOT SERIOUS AROUND HIS AGE.

WELL, WHO CAN BLAME YOU? YOU GOTTA LOCK THAT DOWN.

BUT I-I JUST--

I'M NOT QUITE SURE THAT THEY'RE READY.

- MICHAEL, IN MY EXPERIENCE,

THERE IS NO RECIPE FOR A PERFECT MATCH.

IT TAKES THE LOVE OF TWO FAMILIES.

- WELL, YOU HAVEN'T MET MY FAMILY. narrator: AND THAT'S WHEN MICHAEL

DEVISED A NEW PLAN TO WIN THE VEALS' DISAPPROVAL.

- YOU HAVEN'T MET MY FAMILY.

YOU SHOULD MEET MY FAMILY.

WE'RE GONNA BE HAVING AN ANNIVERSARY PARTY.

- WHAT A WONDERFUL SURPRISE.

WE WOULD LOVE TO WITNESS A CELEBRATION OF THEIR LOVE.

- THAT WOULD BE A WONDERFUL SURPRISE. narrator: BUT HE DID WANT A LITTLE BIT OF INSURANCE.

- HEY, GOB.

MOM WANTS FRANKLIN AT THE PARTY.

YEAH. WHAT? NO, NO, NO.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK-- HEY, FRANKLIN. narrator: LUCILLE WAS SETTING UP

FOR THE ANNIVERSARY PARTY

THAT SHE DIDN'T EXPECT HER HUSBAND TO ATTEND.

- WHERE'S THE FOOD?

- SORRY. JUST STUFFING THE MUSHROOM.

- YOU REALIZE THAT'S TOBIAS, DON'T YOU?

- IF HE'S GONNA RAID MY CLOSET, HE'S GONNA WORK FOR IT.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS ANKLE? narrator: TOBIAS HAD ATTEMPTED AN ENTRANCE

THAT HE HOPED WOULD ENCHANT HIS DAUGHTER.

- [singing in falsetto]

[glass breaking] OHH!

WE SHAN'T BE TELLING YOUR MOTHER THIS, SHAN'T WE?

- MAYBE YOU CAN POINT OUT TO YOUR MOTHER

THAT YOUR FATHER HASN'T ARRIVED YET.

- HMM.

SO...

MY FATHER'S NOT HERE.

- MAYBE HE IS.

- ANN JUST CALLED.

THEY HAD A PREDAWN MASS,

AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA GO TO MASS, SO--

- WELL, ANN'S GOT A GREAT DEAL OF MASS.

ANYWAY, I HOPE THAT THE VEALS LIKE US.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TOP OFF YOUR GANGY?

THANKS.

- WAIT A MINUTE. YOU INVITED THE VEALS?

- ONLY SO THAT THEY'LL DISAPPROVE OF US.

I GOTTA KILL THIS PRE-ENGAGEMENT SOMEHOW.

AND AFTER MOM'S SECOND VODKA,

AND AFTER BUSTER'S SECOND JUICE BOX,

THEY'RE GONNA FORBID ANN FROM EVEN SEEING MY SON,

MUCH LESS TAKING HIS RING, AND I'M STILL THE GOOD GUY.

- SO THE DEVOUT RELIGIOUS FAMILY,

THEY'RE THE BAD GUYS?

- YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHEN MAEBY STARTS GETTING PROPOSALS. narrator: ACTUALLY, MAEBY HAD GIVEN TWO THAT DAY.

- I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T READ WHAT YOU WROTE ON THIS BUCK SLIP.

YOU'VE GOT THE HANDWRITING OF A 15-YEAR-OLD.

- 15-YEAR-OLD. MARRY ME!

- HEY, I'M ALMOST DONE WITH THAT COVERAGE.

I CAN BRING IT OUT TO YOU TONIGHT.

ARE YOU STILL AT THE BALBOA TOWERS? narrator: MAEBY HAD USED HER GRANDMOTHER'S ADDRESS

SO AS NOT TO AROUSE SUSPICION AT HOME.

THIS REQUIRED CONVINCING THE GUARD

SHE WAS SEVERAL YEARS YOUNGER THAN HER AGE.

- BOY, YOU GET A LOT OF MAIL FROM THAT MOVIE STUDIO.

- I WRITE A LOT OF LETTERS TO MOVIE STARS.

- YOU SEEM A LITTLE OLD FOR THAT.

- BABYSIT ME.

- THAT PLACE SEEMS SO OLD FOR YOU.

- I'LL SEND DR. EPSTEIN YOUR COMPLIMENTS.

AND MAY I ADD, MARRY ME.

- OKAY. narrator: AND MAEBY REALIZED

SHE MIGHT BE IN NEED OF A NEW DEFLECTION.

- HI, MRS. VEAL. WELCOME.

MOM, THIS IS ANN'S MOTHER.

- ARE YOU SURE THIS ISN'T HER SISTER?

- OH, WHAT A LOVELY THING TO SAY.

- THAT'S AN AWFUL THING TO SAY, MOM. PLEASE.

- I'M SO EAGER TO MEET YOUR HUSBAND.

- YEAH. DAD ESCAPED FROM PRISON.

DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT? narrator: IN FACT, GEORGE SR.

HAD JUST BEEN PICKED UP BY HIS SON.

- OH, GREAT. IT'S STUCK. ALL RIGHT.

JUST STAY DOWN AND LET ME HANDLE THIS.

- IS THAT MR. BLUTH THERE?

- HE'S GOT US, DAD. COME ON OUT.

- HE'S TALKING TO YOU, YOU IDIOT.

COVER.

- I AIN'T YOUR DADDY!

HOW'S IT GOIN', BROTHER?

- YOU WANT TO POP THE TRUNK

AND ROLL THE WINDOWS DOWN, PLEASE?

I'M JUST MESSIN' WITH YOU.

HEY, FRANKLIN. HOW YOU DOIN', LITTLE MAN?

- SO I'M AFRAID ANN'S WITH MY HUSBAND.

HE HAD A LAST-MINUTE VOW RENEWAL AT THE CHAPEL. narrator: A CALL THAT WAS MADE BY GEORGE SR.

- SO HOW DO WE GET HER TO THE CHURCH?

TELL HER YOU'RE IN HERE OR-- OH. NO.

COVER HER EYES AND TAKE HER TO THE LIMO.

- NO. YOU BRING HER IN HERE,

YOU KNOCK HER OUT WITH THIS ETHER,

AND YOU STUFF HER INTO THIS GARMENT BAG.

ANYONE SEES, YOU DO THE SAME.

OH, HI, TOBIAS.

- OH.

[singing] WHENEVER I GET A WEE BIT SCARED

I HUM A LITTLE TUNE

HUM DIDDLE DIDDLY HUM DI-DO

- YOU PUT A HANDKERCHIEF

OVER HER MOUTH FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS.

NO MORE THAN TWO THOUGH, 'CAUSE YOU COULD KILL HER.

- I DON'T HAVE A HANDKERCHIEF. - FINE.

PUT THE ETHER ON THE PUPPET'S LIPS.

HAVE THE PUPPET KISS HER.

- I AIN'T KISSIN' THAT OLD BITCH.

- THAT'S MY WIFE, YOU BASTARD!

- DAD, THAT'S MY WRIST!

[groaning] HEY, MAN! THAT'S HIS NECK!

- HEY, GOB.

MRS. VEAL, THIS IS MY BROTHER GOB.

WHERE'S YOUR PAL FRANKLIN?

- THROAT'S A LITTLE SORE.

AND WRIST. [chuckles]

NICE TO MEET YOU.

- WHAT A LOVELY FAMILY.

- DOES IT SEEM THAT WAY? WHERE'S BUSTER?

[whispers] SHOULD HELP.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY GREAT YOU DID THIS.

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T REALLY EVEN LIKE ANN.

BUT SINCE YOU DO,

I THOUGHT MAYBE I COULD GET YOUR OPINION.

I WAS THINKING OF GIVING HER, LIKE, A PRE-ENGAGEMENT--

- RING? - YEAH.

- WOW. THAT CATCHES ME OFF GUARD, GEORGE MICHAEL.

I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT.

I JUST--I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S--

I THINK--I THINK IT'S GONNA BACKFIRE ON YOU.

I THINK THAT IT COULD BACKFIRE ON YOU,

BECAUSE IT'S GONNA SEEM

LIKE YOU'RE TAKING MARRIAGE, UH, LIGHTLY, YOU KNOW.

AND YOU CAN'T. IT'S VERY SACRED.

- SACRED. - YEAH. THAT'S IT.

- ALL RIGHT. WELL, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, IT DID KIND OF FEEL RIGHT TO ME.

BUT, YEAH. I'VE GOTTA TRUST YOU, RIGHT?

- THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

- DAMN. MAYBE I SHOULD-- MAYBE I SHOULD ASK

IF SHE WANTS TO GET PRE-PRE-ENGAGED.

ADD ANOTHER--

- THE MERE FACT THAT YOU'RE LAUGHING ABOUT MARRIAGE

MEANS THAT YOU'RE NOT READY, OKAY?

- WHA-- narrator: AND LUCILLE WAS ASKED TO THE KITCHEN.

- WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT

THAT YOU'RE DRAGGING ME AWAY FROM THIS MISERABLE PARTY?

- WELL, I JUST HAD AN OLD FRIEND WHO WANTED TO TELL YOU...

HOW MUCH I MISS YOU!

- OH, WHO LET THIS LITTLE BLACK [bleep]--

- HEY, BROTHER.

- WHO YOU CALLIN' BROTHER, YOU HOOK-ASS--

- MOTHER!

[horn blows] [groaning]

- WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PUPPET DOES BUSTER HAVE ON HIS HAND?

- JUST LET ME THINK.

GOD, FRANKLIN. YOUR BREATH--OH, GOD.

- SO I'M REALLY GETTING EXCITED ABOUT YOUR PROPOSAL.

- OH, YEAH. I'M NOT GONNA DO IT NOW.

- BECAUSE ANN'S MOM DOESN'T APPROVE OF OUR FAMILY?

OH, COME ON.

IT'S JUST SOME STUPID PLAN YOUR FATHER WAS TRYING.

- PLAN?

WHAT PLAN?

- WELL, IT'S OFF. SORRY.

I KNOW THAT YOU WERE EXCITED ABOUT IT.

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, IN THE SECULAR WORLD,

I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE A BIT YOUNG.

- YOU KNOW, I--I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING

IN FRONT OF TERRY, BUT I AGREE.

I MEAN,

PERHAPS THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE THEY'RE MEANT TO MEET.

- WELL, LET'S--

LET'S JUST SAY THAT IN THE SECULAR WORLD,

ONE FINDS ONESELF

WITH THEIR FAIR SHARE OF TEMPTATIONS.

NOT THAT ANYONE WOULD EVER ACT--

[mumbling] MRS. VEAL.

- TAKE ME. TAKE ME TO YOUR SECULAR WORLD.

- HEY. HEY, LISTEN.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T BELIEVE MY DAD.

FIRST HE'S SAYING

I NEED TO RESPECT THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE,

AND THEN HE'S MAKING OUT WITH HER ON THE BALCONY.

- I THOUGHT HE DIDN'T EVEN LIKE ANN.

- NO, NO. MRS. VEAL.

WELL, KNOW WHAT ELSE HE'S NOT GONNA LIKE?

I'M GETTING PRE-ENGAGED.

- GOD, THAT'S SO ROMANTIC. - THE HELL WITH HIM.

- TAKE IT.

TAKE THE SACRED RING.

NOT THE SNAKE. THAT DOESN'T COME OFF. narrator: MICHAEL HAD JUST BEEN KISSED

BY THE MOTHER OF HIS SON'S GIRLFRIEND.

- OH, MY GOLLY! - LISTEN.

DON'T DO THIS. DON'T DO THIS.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE MAKING LOVE.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WE'RE NOT MAKING LOVE.

- I WANT TO PLEASE YOU SECULARLY.

- WE'RE NOT GONNA DO THIS.

- BUT YOU KEPT TELLING ME HOW BEAUTIFUL I WAS.

- I WAS SURPRISED BECAUSE OF ANN.

WELL-- - WHY BECAUSE OF ANN?

- BECAUSE OF AN OLD WIVES' TALE.

- OH, I'M SO ASHAMED. - ALL RIGHT. NO--

MRS. VEAL.

- JOLLY NEWS, GOVERNOR. YOUNG MASTER'S PROPOSING.

- GEORGE MICHAEL?

I TOLD HIM NOT TO. HE SAID HE WOULDN'T.

- WELL, THIS WAS BEFORE

HE SAW YOU POUNDING THAT SWEET PIECE OF VEAL.

- HE SAW THAT? WHERE IS HE?

- OH, HE LEFT WITH LADY LINDSAY--

- TOBIAS, WHERE ARE THEY?

- IT IS ME. IT'S TOBIAS.

- [yelling]

WHAT HAPPENED? - WHAT'S GOING ON?

- GOB MADE ME KISS FRANKLIN. AND I THINK MY FATHER WAS HERE.

- MAYBE HE STILL IS.

- OH, SHUT UP. WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE WAS HERE?

- I THINK HE WAS DRAGGING MY MOTHER OUT WITH GOB.

- OH, YOU SHUT UP. - WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

- WE'RE TRYIN' TO FIGURE THAT OUT.

APPARENTLY POP-POP KIDNAPPED GANGY,

AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE GEORGE MICHAEL IS--OR LINDSAY.

- I JUST SAW THEM DRIVE OFF.

THEY'RE GONNA GO LOOK FOR BLAND.

WHO'S THE HOTTIE?

- THIS IS ANN'S MOTHER.

- HER?

DOES SHE LOOK OLD ENOUGH TO PLAY TOPHER GRACE'S MOM?

- WHERE DID YOU SAY ANN WAS? - AT THE CHAPEL.

- YEAH, WE GOTTA GET DOWN THERE.

MY SON'S GONNA PRE-PROPOSE TO YOUR DAUGHTER. narrator: FORTUNATELY,

TOBIAS HAD RENTED A CAR TO MAINTAIN HIS RUSE.

- I HAD THIS SHIPPED OVER FROM "BLACKSTOOL."

IT'S WHAT I USED TO DRIVE THE ROGER MOORES ABOUT IN. narrator: AND LUCILLE AWOKE, HALF IN THE BAG.

- WHAT AM I DOING IN A NORDSTROM BAG?

- IT'S ME.

I'M TAKING YOU TO RENEW OUR VOWS.

BUT FIRST-- - UH, DAD--

- WE MAKE LOVE.

- THE PARTITION DOESN'T GO ALL THE WAY UP, REMEMBER?

- NO. NO. AFTER YOUR VOWS,

I WANT TO KNOW YOU WON'T RUN OUT ON ME AGAIN.

I NEED TO KNOW YOU'RE IN IT FOR KEEPS.

- JUST LET ME SEE 'EM.

- SERIOUSLY, DAD. THE RADIO DOESN'T WORK EITHER.

- GEORGE! narrator: GOB RACED HIS PARENTS TO THE CHURCH,

PASSING GEORGE MICHAEL AND LINDSAY,

WHO WERE SOON FOLLOWED BY MRS. FEATHERBOTTOM.

[horn honks]

- OH, MERCY ME!

I KEEP FORGETTING I'M IN THE COLONIES. narrator: BUSTER WAS TALKING TO THE POLICE

WHEN OSCAR FOUND A CLUE.

- THEY MUST BE GOING TO THIS CHURCH.

HE'S GOING TO RENEW HIS VOWS.

HE'S MY TWIN BROTHER. I KNOW HOW HE THINKS.

- THEY'RE AT THE CHURCH OF THE GOOD SHEPHERD. narrator: AND AT THE CHAPEL,

PASTOR VEAL WAS OFFICIATING.

- "TO LOVE AND HONOR YOUR SPIRIT AND FLESH.

"FIRST THE FLESH. I WILL CARESS AND TWEAK.

"I WILL NIBBLE AND BITE.

I WILL BLOW ALTERNATINGLY HOT AND COOL."

- OH, MAN. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MARRIED. narrator: ANN WENT TO COOL DOWN,

WHERE GEORGE MICHAEL FOUND HER.

- ANN, I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK YOU.

WELL, I-I REALLY LIKE YOU.

I GUESS WHAT I-- I WANT TO ASK YOU IS,

WILL YOU ONE DAY, UH, INTEND TO MARRY ME?

AND IT WOULD BE GREAT TO HEAR BACK ON THIS

BEFORE THE REAL HARD A.P. STUFF KICKS IN, YOU KNOW.

- LET'S DO IT. NOW.

LET'S ACTUALLY GET MARRIED. - RIGHT NOW?

- MY FATHER'S RIGHT IN THERE.

HE CAN DO IT AS SOON AS HE FINISHES.

- "I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU

TO REST YOUR ANKLES UPON MY SHOULDERS." narrator: AND MICHAEL SHOWED UP AT THE CHAPEL.

- UH, LISTEN, BUDDY. DAD?

- UH, FASTER, PASTOR.

- STOP THIS!

STOP THIS NOW! narrator: OSCAR CHARGED AT GEORGE SR.,

FINALLY WILLING TO FIGHT FOR LUCILLE.

BUT THEY DID THINK ALIKE,

AND NEITHER COULD LAND A BLOW.

- DAD, DO US. WE'RE READY TO GET MARRIED.

- GEORGE MICHAEL, DON'T DO THIS JUST TO GET BACK AT ME, OKAY?

WHAT YOU SAW ON THE BALCONY--

UH, MRS. VEAL STARTED KISSING ME. narrator: THIS PART OF IT WAS NEWS TO GEORGE MICHAEL.

UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS ALSO NEWS TO PASTOR VEAL.

- YOU KISSED MY WIFE? - NO. SHE STARTED KISSING ME.

YOU REALLY SHOULD LOCK THAT DOWN. narrator: AND PASTOR VEAL, TOO,

WAS READY TO FIGHT FOR THE WOMAN HE LOVED.

[yells]

- AH. FINALLY. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? narrator: THE POLICE HAD BEEN DELAYED

WHEN THEY THOUGHT THEY'D CORNERED A KIDNAPPING SUSPECT.

- PUT YOUR HANDS UP,

OR WE'LL TAKE THAT AS A SIGN OF AGGRESSION AGAINST US.

- THEY'RE NOT UP! - HE'S AGGRESSIVE!

- YEAH, GOT A LITTLE HOT OUT THERE.

- OH, WELL, IT'S GETTING PRETTY HOT IN HERE.

- SHE'S MINE! - NO. SHE'S MINE.

- OSCAR, I DON'T WANT HER. I DON'T WANT EITHER OF THEM.

- OH. SORRY. WHERE'S MY BROTHER?

- LOOK AT ALL THE BOBBIES. [chuckles]

OH, NO. MY WIG SEEMS TO HAVE RUN OFF. narrator: ON GEORGE SR., AS IT TURNED OUT.

- WHO IS THIS GUY? - THIS GUY IS MY HUSBAND.

- TERRY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I FELL UNDER THE SPELL OF THAT HORRIBLE SECULAR FAMILY.

FORGIVE ME.

- COULD'VE USED THAT HORRIBLE FAMILY STUFF

ABOUT A HALF HOUR AGO.

- I HOPE YOU NOTICE I DIDN'T RUN.

- YOU FOUGHT FOR ME.

- WHAT I MEANT TO SAY IS I-- I THINK I BROKE MY ANKLE.

- LET'S ALTERNATE HOT AND COOL ON THAT.

- GUESS THE WEDDING'S OFF?

- YEAH. THAT'S OKAY, DAD.

YOU KNOW, WE WERE-- WE WERE TALKING, AND WE THINK

THAT WE WERE DOIN' IT FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

- YEAH? WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO EXPERIENCE

BEFORE YOU MAKE A COMMITMENT THAT YOU'RE NOT READY FOR.

YOU KNOW?

YOU JUST NEED TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER,

AND THEN YOU CAN BE COMFORTABLE GOING ALL THE WAY WITH IT.

- DO YOU MEAN IT?

- YES. THIS TIME I'M BEING HONEST WITH YOU.

- THANKS, DAD. - OKAY.

- IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR FATHER

JUST GAVE US PERMISSION TO START DOING IT.

YOU MUST TEACH ME, GEORGE MICHAEL.

YOU MUST TEACH ME THE WAYS OF THE SECULAR FLESH.

[man singing] HEY, WHAT YOU TRYIN'

TO SAY TO ME narrator: ON THE NEXT ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

- THAT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU. narrator: BUSTER FINDS SOMEONE ELSE

INTERESTED IN KISSING HIS HOOK.

- OH, GOD!

- DRUG DOG'S GOT SOMETHING. GET HIM, BENNETT! narrator: SO BUSTER GETS A HOOK REPLACEMENT.

- THEY'RE NOT GONNA LET YOU IN AT THE COUNTRY CLUB WITH THAT.

- I DON'T WANT NO PART OF YOUR TIGHT-ASS COUNTRY CLUB,

YOU FREAK BITCH!