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The Ocean Walker

narrator: NOW THE STORY OF A WEALTHY FAMILY

WHO LOST EVERYTHING...

AND THE ONE SON WHO HAD NO CHOICE...

BUT TO KEEP THEM ALL TOGETHER.

IT'S ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

MICHAEL WAS SHARING SOME VERY

IMPORTANT NEWS WITH HIS PARENTS.

- I AM GETTING MARRIED.

- WHO THE HELL TO?

- WHO DO YOU THINK? RITA.

- HER? - WHY?

- WELL, FIRST, SHE NEEDS A GREEN CARD TO STAY IN THE COUNTRY.

- THERE IT IS.

- SHE NEEDS A GREEN CARD TO STAY IN THE COUNTRY...

BECAUSE, SECONDLY, WE'RE REALLY CRAZY ABOUT EACH OTHER.

- YOU HARDLY KNOW HER.

- I KNOW ALL THE IMPORTANT STUFF.

SHE WAS IN THE OLYMPICS. - HUH!

- SHE'S SWEET, SMART, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL. SHE'S SPECIAL. narrator: SHE WAS SPECIAL.

- ARE HOUSES HARD TO MAKE?

- ACTUALLY, THE HARDEST PART IS FINDING THE LAND. narrator: BUT SHE WASN'T SMART.

- INSTEAD OF MAKING HOUSES, MAYBE YOU SHOULD MAKE LAND-- narrator: FOR RITA HAD ONLY MENTALLY PROGRESSED...

- ON THE OCEAN. narrator: TO THE LEVEL OF A FIRST-GRADER.

- THERE'S NO LAND ON THE OCEAN. narrator: MICHAEL MIGHT HAVE NOTICED HER DISABILITY...

IF IT HAD NOT BEEN MASKED BY HER ENGLISH ACCENT.

- YOU'RE BRILLIANT. narrator: YEAH, SHE WASN'T.

- I KNOW SHE'S A REALLY, REALLY GOOD PERSON.

AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS GONNA BE LITTLE SURPRISES ALONG THE WAY. narrator: WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THAT ONE BIG ONE.

- THE WEDDING IS IN ONE MONTH. - OH.

- A MONTH! - NOW, LOOK.

JUST BECAUSE A WOMAN GETS PREGNANT,

DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO MARRY HER.

TOO MANY LIVES HAVE BEEN RUINED

BECAUSE SOME CHEAP WAITRESS AT A HOJO...

SAID SHE USED AN I.U.D.

- IT WAS STUCKEY'S. - BUT I BELIEVED YOU.

- SHE'S NOT PREGNANT.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN SLEPT TOGETHER.

- [laughing] - [laughing] THIS IS FUNNY.

- HE'S GAY! - WHERE'S YOUR HAND?

- I'M HAVING MY HIGH SCHOOL RING PUT ON IT,

AND MY HOOK IS STUCK IN THE STAIR CAR.

[radio] DOMO ARIGATO, MR. ROBOTO - DOMO ARIGATO, MR. ROBOTO

- [singing] DOMO, DOMO - OH.

- DO YOU THINK GETTING MARRIED WILL SOLVE YOUR SEX PROBLEM?

- NO, WE DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.

WE JUST HAVEN'T HAD THE RIGHT OPPORTUNITY YET.

- LINDSAY SAID RITA SLEPT OVER LAST NIGHT.

- YES, BUT I GAVE HER THE BEDROOM

BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT HER TO FEEL PRESSURED. narrator: ACTUALLY, IT WAS MICHAEL

WHO FELT A LITTLE PRESSURED.

- AND I LIKE TO KEEP THE LIGHT ON.

THAT WAY, I CAN SEE IF YOU HAVE A MONSTER.

NIGHT-NIGHT.

CAN YOU SHUT THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT?

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT SUPPORTING THIS.

- BECAUSE IT IS OBVIOUS WHAT SHE'S AFTER.

- OUR MONEY. - OH, GOD! OUR MONEY.

- LET'S JUST ALL RELAX AND REMIND OURSELVES

THAT WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

- SHE'S ALREADY GOTTEN OUR MONEY!

- LET'S NOT FORGET SHE'S THE ONE THAT GAVE US THE IDEA FOR THAT

OCEAN-TOP TOWN CALLED BLUTHTON.

- OH, BIG DEAL. I HAD THAT SAME BASIC IDEA YEARS AGO.

- I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAPPY. I SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER.

- MICHAEL, BE CAREFUL.

PEOPLE JUST SEE WHAT THEY WANT TO SEE.

IF SHE LOVED YOU, SHE'D SHOW IT. narrator: MICHAEL WAS WORRIED.

HIS MOTHER MAY HAVE BEEN MAKING SENSE.

SO HE RETURNED HOME TO TALK TO RITA.

- HERE COMES THE BRIDE!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN A WHEELCHAIR?

- NO, NO. IT'S A DOLLY-- TO HELP VIDEOTAPE YOUR NUPTIALS.

- [camcorder runs]

- I DON'T THINK I NEED ANY FOOTAGE OF MY NUPTIALS.

TOBIAS, ARE YOU SURE THAT THIS DOLLY

ISN'T RELATED TO YOUR RECENT HEALTH PROBLEMS?

- OKAY, SO MY LEGS AND MY LEFT ARM OCCASIONALLY "GO TO SLEEP."

AND YOU WANT TO CALL IT A HEALTH PROBLEM.

OOP. [groaning] - HEY. HEY, HEY!

- I CAN GET UP MYSELF. [grunts]

- HERE WE GO. - LET ME GET IN THE DOLLY.

NO, THANK YOU. I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

- IT DOES SEEM LIKE YOU'VE BEEN HAVING

A LOT OF TROUBLE SINCE THE HAIR TRANSPLANTS.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD SEE A "BUBAMAN."

- A BUBAMAN?

- OH, UH, DOCTOR. IT'S A BRITISH EXPRESSION.

LIKE THEY SAY "GO UP BOX" INSTEAD OF "ELEVATOR."

- OH, YES, LIKE WHEN THEY SAY "POOFTER" TO MEAN "TOURIST."

BOY, THAT RITA'S A SMARTY.

- TRUE, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE ANYBODY APPRECIATES IT.

MOM AND DAD DO NOT LIKE RITA.

- ARE THEY CRAZY? SHE'S AMAZING.

I SAW HER LAST NIGHT.

SHE HELPED ME WITH THIS PROJECT I WAS DOING. narrator: MAEBY WAS STRUGGLING WITH A SCREENPLAY...

IN HER SECRET LIFE AS A FILM EXECUTIVE.

- IS THAT A STORY?

- NOT YET. IT DOESN'T HAVE AN ENDING.

HE'S IN L.A. SHE'S IN JAPAN.

HOW DO I GET THESE TWO CHARACTERS TOGETHER?

- MAYBE THEY COULD WALK. - ACROSS THE OCEAN?

- IF IT'S NOT TOO DEEP. - NO. DEEP IS GOOD.

PEOPLE ARE GONNA SAY,

"WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? I'D BETTER SAY I LIKE IT."

'CAUSE NOBODY WANTS TO SEEM STUPID.

- I LIKE IT.

- THE OCEAN WALKER. HOLY CRAP.

THAT'S GONNA LOOK GOOD ON A HAT. narrator: AND MICHAEL CAUGHT UP WITH HIS BROTHER.

- I NEED A FAVOR.

AS YOU KNOW, I'M GETTIN' MARRIED IN ABOUT A MONTH.

- SAY NO MORE.

- GREAT. ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU KNOW WHAT--

- YEP, YEP, YEP. GOT IT. SUPER.

- AND JUST SO THAT WE'RE BOTH CLEAR--

- YOU WANT ME TO DO A MAGIC SHOW AT THE WEDDING. I'M ON IT.

- I'M SO GLAD WE PUSHED THROUGH THAT. NO MAGIC.

- WHY, BECAUSE OF THE ONE LITTLE SCREWUP LAST TIME?

- PUT HER OUT! PUT HER OUT! TRACEY! ON FIRE! ROLL!

- THANK GOD WE ALREADY DID THE PICTURES.

- WHICH REMINDS ME THAT RITA SHOULDN'T

WEAR ANY HAIR SPRAY AT THIS THING.

- I JUST WANT YOU TO BE MY WITNESS.

- YOU WANT ME TO--

BE YOUR BEST MAN?

- IT'S JUST A SIGNATURE I NEED ON THE LICENSE.

MY SON'S NOT OLD ENOUGH. IT'S-- IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

- I WILL NOT TAKE THIS SACRED DUTY LIGHTLY.

I AM GONNA GET YOU THE SINGLE HEALTHIEST CALL GIRL

THAT THIS TOWN HAS EVER SEEN.

- THIS IS WHY I'M CALLING IT A WITNESS AND NOT A BEST MAN.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS WATCH.

- I'M NOT GONNA SPEND THIS KIND OF MONEY AND NOT WATCH.

[slaps butt]

- THIS MAY HAVE BEEN A BAD CHOICE.

HEY, HELLO. LOOK AT YOU TWO-- TWEEDLEDEE, TWEEDLEDUM. narrator: MICHAEL DIDN'T MEAN IT IN THAT WAY.

HOW COULD HE? HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

- WE HAD THE BEST TIME.

SHE'S GOT SUCH AN AMAZING FASHION SENSE.

YOU GUYS GOT THESE JACKETS ON INSIDE-OUT?

- THAT WAY, YOU SEE THE LABEL.

- YEAH, I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE PAYING FOR, RIGHT?

IT'S A GREAT STATEMENT ON FASHION.

PLUS IT DOESN'T TICKLE YOUR NECK.

[both laugh] narrator: MICHAEL TOOK LINDSAY ASIDE TO SHARE HIS CONCERNS.

- LINDSAY, WHEN DID YOU FIRST REALIZE THAT YOU AND TOBIAS...

HAD NO CHANCE AT A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP?

- OH, MY GOD.

DO YOU THINK WE HAVE NO CHANCE AT A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP?

- SO, JUST NOW.

SEE, RITA AND I HAVE NOT BEEN PHYSICAL YET, AND--

YOU DON'T THINK SHE'S DOING THIS JUST

FOR A GREEN CARD, DO YOU?

- NO. NO, SHE'S NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON.

YOU JUST HAVEN'T BEEN ALONE WITH HER.

ASK HER TO STAY OVER AT A HOTEL WITH YOU TONIGHT.

SHE'S GONNA KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

- THAT IS NOT A BAD IDEA.

DON'T-- DON'T DO THAT. narrator: AND GOB BEGAN TO PREPARE A MAGIC TRICK

FOR MICHAEL'S WEDDING.

- TAKES HIS QUEEN...

AND SHOWERS HER WITH DIAMONDS!

CLUBS. CLUB SAUCE.

HE COVERS HER WITH CLUB SAUCE.

THAT'LL BE MY LINE IF THAT HAPPENS.

- IS THAT A MAGIC TRICK? I LOVE MAGIC.

- I DON'T APPRECIATE THE DRY BRITISH HUMOR.

- PLEASE DO A MAGIC TRICK FOR ME.

- WELL, I SHOULDN'T. I'D HATE TO BE BLAMED...

FOR SETTING ANOTHER ONE OF MICHAEL'S BRIDES...ON FIRE!

- OH. LIGHTER FLUID, LIKE UNCLE TREVOR USES.

BUT WHEREVER DID IT COME FROM?

- OKAY, I'VE GOTTA GET YOU INTO AN ILLUSION AT THE WEDDING.

- HOW LONG CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH?

- OH, LONG. ONE TIME, 20 MINUTES.

- [inhales deeply]

- narrator: ACTUALLY, HER RECORD WAS 20 SECONDS.

- YOU CAN STOP IT. IT'S OKAY. I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.

[exhales]

NOW I JUST NEED TO FIND A TRICK

THAT PUTS YOU OUT OF OXYGEN FOR 20 MINUTES.

- SORRY? DID I HEAR THE WORD "TRICK"?

AND IT SMELLS A LOT LIKE LIGHTER FLUID IN HERE.

I DID SAY NO TRICKS, GOB, AND I MEAN IT.

- WHAT IF I FIND A TRICK

THAT HAS HER FLOAT TO THE ALTAR OR SOMETHING?

- NO, NO. LOVE FOR HER TO WALK AND NOT TO DROWN...

OR FLY THROUGH THE AIR OR CATCH ON FIRE.

- IS SHE ALLERGIC TO CAT FUR? - UH, NO TIGERS.

- GREAT.

- SO, UH, RITA, UM,

I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE YOU AND I...

MIGHT HEAD DOWN TO A HOTEL?

MAYBE SOME ALONE TIME. - OH, YES.

- YEAH? - MAYBE OUR ROOMS COULD TOUCH.

[chuckling] - I--I WAS HOPING MAYBE FOR MORE

THAN JUST OUR ROOMS TO TOUCH.

I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE COULD BE...

IN THE SAME ROOM, BE IN THE SAME BED.

- I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN-- A REAL SLEEPOVER.

- WELL, MAYBE. - OKAY.

- REALLY?

- MAYBE I SHOULD GO HOME AND GET MY THINGS.

I DO KINDA MISS MY JAMMIES.

- I THINK THEY'RE GONNA HAVE A LOT OF THAT STUFF THERE.

- AND MY TINY TEDDY.

- GOOD. YES, GET THAT. narrator: AND SO GEORGE MICHAEL DROVE RITA TO WEE BRITAIN.

- IT'S NICE TO BE WITH SOMEONE YOUNG.

WE CAN LISTEN TO YOUNG PEOPLE'S MUSIC FOR A CHANGE.

- GREAT. YEAH, PLEASE.

[radio clicks on]

- [singing] HOT POTATO HOT POTATO, HOT POTATO

- HOT POTATO, HOT POTATO HOT POTATO

- [singing] HOT POTATO, HOT POTATO, HOT POTATO, HOT POTATO narrator: THAT'S WHEN HE FIRST GREW CONCERNED.

- POTATO, POTATO, POTATO narrator: AND RITA PACKED FOR HER SLEEPOVER.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT A SLEEPOVER IS?

'CAUSE IT'S NOT JUST SLEEP.

- I KNOW WHAT IT IS, TREVOR. I'VE SEEN YOUR SECRET MAGAZINE.

- [singing] ALL YOU NEED IS SMILES SMILES

- I WANT TO HAVE GROWN-UP FUN-- SPOON AND FIGGY PUDDING,

RABBIT DOWN DUM, DRUGGERIES HOLLOW.

AND I WANT TO HAVE POP-POP.

- THE VERY FACT THAT YOU CALL IT THAT TELLS ME YOU'RE NOT READY.

OH, AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THAT'S A CRICKET MAGAZINE.

- [singing] LOTS AND LOTS OF SMILEY SMILES

- WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT,

YOU'RE STILL A CHILD IN MANY WAYS.

I GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOU HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT MAN. narrator: SO DO I.

- I MEAN, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT YOUR PARENTS WERE COUSINS.

BUT HERE WE ARE, AND I'VE BEEN CHARGED WITH TAKING CARE OF YOU,

AND I'M BLOODY WELL GONNA DO IT.

- WELL, MICHAEL WILL BE MY COUSIN SOON ENOUGH,

'CAUSE WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.

- MARRIED? - MARRIED!

- TOTALLY OUT OF THE QUESTION!

- [singsong] MARRIED, MARRIED, MARRIED!

- ALL RIGHT, THAT DOES IT. YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

I'M PUTTIN' THE INVISIBLE LOCKS ON THE DOOR.

- THAT'S NOT FAIR.

- LOCK, LOCK. - THAT'S NOT FAIR!

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! - LOCK, LOCK.

I GOTTA FIND A NEW HIDING PLACE FOR THAT MAGAZINE. narrator: AND MICHAEL WAS WAITING AT THE HOTEL.

- HEY, DAD. JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW...

THAT I'M AT A HOTEL WITH MY WIFE-TO-BE.

AND WE'RE VERY, VERY MUCH IN LOVE.

- PUT HER ON. narrator: MICHAEL BRIEFLY CONSIDERED FAKING THE VOICE.

- [falsetto] I--

SHE'S IN THE SHOWER. - I'LL WAIT.

- LET'S WAIT.

DON'T YOU WANT ME TO JUST CALL YOU BACK OR--

- NO. I GOT NOWHERE TO GO. I'M UNDER HOUSE ARREST.

LET'S WATCH SOMETHING TOGETHER.

WOW. THAT BLOSSOM GREW UP, HUH?

SAY, HOW'S THAT SHOWER COMIN'?

- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, SHE'S NOT IN THE SHOWER.

- REALLY?

- SHE SAID THAT SHE'D MEET ME AT THE HOTEL.

AND I CALLED YOU A LITTLE PREMATURELY, BUT SHE IS COMING.

- REALLY?

- [snorts] - UH! HEY, PUT RITA ON. narrator: THAT'S WHEN MICHAEL FINALLY ACCEPTED...

THAT RITA WASN'T COMING...

AND THAT LOCAL CALLS WERE 2.95 A MINUTE.

- COME ON! narrator: THAT'S WHERE THEY GET YOU.

MICHAEL DROVE TO WEE BRITAIN

TO CALL OFF THE WEDDING...

THAT HE NOW REALIZED WAS NOT BASED ON LOVE.

[knocking]

- WHO IS IT?

- IT'S MICHAEL, RITA. CAN I COME IN?

- I CAN'T LET YOU IN.

- YOU KNOW YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP LAST NIGHT.

I THINK THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS TALK TO ME FACE-TO-FACE.

- I CAN'T. TREVOR LOCKED THE DOOR.

HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO BE WITH YOU.

- WHAT? HE LOCKED THE DOOR? YOU CAN'T UNLOCK THIS DOOR?

- I CAN'T EVEN SEE HALF THE LOCKS.

- RITA? WHAT?

- THEY'RE INVISIBLE.

TREVOR'S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEE THEM.

- I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

GO NEXT TO THE WINDOW. I'M GONNA CLIMB UP.

- [gasps] BE CAREFUL. - I WILL. narrator: AND SO MICHAEL SET ABOUT RESCUING THE BEAUTIFUL,

SWEET, MENTALLY CHALLENGED WOMAN HE'D FALLEN IN LOVE WITH,

WITHOUT REALIZING SHE WAS MENTALLY CHALLENGED.

- YEA, MICHAEL! YEA! - WHO UNDID THE LOCKS?

- COME ON OUT. - TREVOR'S BACK.

- COME ON. HOP ON. - WHAT?

- HOP ON. - HUH?

- READY? - OH! OH!

WHEE! OH!

- HEY! STOP THAT! THE BOTH OF YA COME BACK!

- YOU CAN'T STOP US. - NOTHING CAN STOP US NOW.

NOTHING IN THE WORLD OF MAN NOR BEAST NOR TIME CAN-- [grunts]

- [applauding, cheering] - [bleep] ALL! narrator: AND SO, REUNITED WITH RITA,

MICHAEL TOLD HIS PARENTS HE'D BE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.

- WE'RE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.

- GOD HELP HER IF SHE TRIES TO RENAME BLUTHTON.

I'LL SINK IT FIRST. I SWEAR, I'LL SINK THE WHOLE DAMN THING.

[phone slams]

THEY'RE GOIN' THROUGH WITH IT-- TOMORROW.

[knocking] narrator: BUT GEORGE AND LUCILLE HAD A SURPRISE VISITOR.

- ALL RIGHT! WHERE THE HELL IS RITA?

I'M HER UNCLE. - LET THE HANDOUTS BEGIN.

- THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ANY HANDOUTS,

AND SHE IS NOT GONNA MARRY YOUR SON.

- YOU'RE AGAINST THIS MARRIAGE TOO.

- WELL, OF COURSE I AM.

RITA'S NOT CAPABLE OF MAKIN' A DECISION LIKE THAT.

YOU ARE NOT GONNA GET RITA'S MILLIONS

JUST BECAUSE SHE'S MENTALLY CHALLENGED.

- MILLIONS? - MILLIONS?

- MENTALLY CHALLENGED? - SHH! IT'S NOT POLITE.

- SHE OWNS ALL OF WEE BRITAIN

AND ALSO THE WEE BRITAIN IN CLEVELAND.

'COURSE, WE'RE PROBABLY GONNA LOSE ALL THAT...

IF HER RIDICULOUS IDEA FOR SEA BRITAIN GOES THROUGH.

- WE ARE NOT AFTER HER MONEY.

- AND I DON'T THINK MICHAEL EVEN KNOWS ABOUT HER...CONDITION.

- YEAH, IT'S FUNNY HOW AMERICANS DON'T PICK UP ON THAT.

I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE OF HER ACCENT

AND THE PLASTIC SURGERY SHE'S BEEN ABLE TO AFFORD.

WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS TROUBLE IF THEY'D MET LAST YEAR.

I GOTTA PUT A STOP TO THIS.

I'M GONNA SEARCH EVERY BLOODY HOTEL IN TOWN.

- OH! LEGOLAND. I THINK THEY SAID...

THEY WERE GOING TO LEGOLAND.

- THEY DID SAY LEGOLAND.

- I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT LEGOLAND.

- HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

[whispering] WE THINK HE MAY BE MENTALLY CHALLENGED.

- HUH? - ALL RIGHT THEN.

- WE HAVE GOT 24 HOURS TO GET THEM MARRIED...

[door closes]

BEFORE MICHAEL FIGURES OUT WHAT SHE REALLY IS.

- THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS

YOU SOUND LIKE GEORGE BLUTH.

[Buster whimpers] narrator: LATER THAT NIGHT,

MICHAEL WAS AT THE HOTEL WITH HIS BRIDE-TO-BE.

- RITA, I'VE BEEN REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.

- ME TOO.

I WANT TO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS.

- THE MERE FACT THAT YOU CALL IT THAT

TELLS ME THAT YOU ARE READY.

- THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT THIS. - OH!

[knocking]

YOU GO AHEAD AND WHIP OUT THAT TINY TEDDY,

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA THINK UP A FUN SAFE WORD, OKAY?

GEORGE MICHAEL, I DID NOT KNOW THAT YOU WERE--

UM, GO AHEAD AND TALK OUT HERE.

JUST GOT BACK FROM THE "BUMPADDLE" COURTS.

TOMORROW, I'M TEACHIN' HER BASEBALL.

- IT MIGHT TAKE A WHILE. - SORRY?

- LISTEN, DAD, TH-THIS IS...HARD--

THIS IS HARD FOR ME TO SAY.

I WAS VIDEOTAPING RITA.

LET'S JUST SAY IT WOULD BE CUTE IF IT WAS SOMEONE MUCH YOUNGER.

[symphonic music] [indistinct]

I'M SORRY. MAYBE I SHOULD GET ANOTHER TAPE.

THEY'RE NOT EXPENSIVE.

- THAT'S THE PLASTIC FRUIT, DAD. [gags]

- IT'S VERY CONVINCING FRUIT. OKAY?

AND-- SHE'S GOIN' BACK IN FOR ANOTHER?

YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T EVEN

HAVE BANANAS IN ENGLAND. OKAY, SON?

NOW, I KNOW THIS IS HARD FOR YOU,

BUT IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE SUPPORTED IN SOME--

NOW SHE'S GOIN' INTO THE GRAPES.

- YEAH. SHE REALLY LIKED THOSE.

I'M SORRY.

I THINK SHE MIGHT BE... RETAR-RETARDED.

I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY.

- SAY HELLO TO MY TINY TEDDY.

[gasps] TINY TEDDY? OH! narrator: AND THAT'S WHEN IT DAWNED ON MICHAEL.

- OH, YOU TEACH KIDS, HUH?

- I LIKE TO THINK THEY TEACH ME.

THAT WAY I CAN SEE IF YOU HAVE A MONSTER.

[gasps] BE CAREFUL.

- I HAVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.

[loud smack] - [laughing] narrator: MICHAEL HAD JUST BEEN SHOWN...

THAT HIS FIANCE MIGHT BE MENTALLY CHALLENGED.

BUT HE NEEDED PROOF.

- SO ARE YOU READY FOR LIE-DOWN KISSES WITH ME?

- MAYBE WE OUGHTA JUST TALK A LITTLE BIT.

[kissing]

I MEAN, WHAT THE HECK?

FOR INSTANCE, YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ME...

HOW MANY HOUSES THERE ARE IN THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT.

- SEVEN. - ARE THERE? narrator: THE ANSWER IS THREE. - DOES SOUND ABOUT RIGHT. narrator: THREE IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.

- RITA-- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! - COME ON. LET'S HAVE OUR FUN!

RITA CORNY MICHAEL. narrator: SO MICHAEL USED A LINE THAT WAS JUST AS CORNY.

- YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT WE SHOULD WAIT...

UNTIL AFTER WE'RE MARRIED.

- MARRIED! MARRIED, MARRIED, MARRIED!

OKAY! NIGHT-NIGHT! narrator: AND MICHAEL FELT HE DESERVED

A $15 THING OF CANDY BEANS.

THE NEXT MORNING, HOWEVER,

AS MICHAEL PREPARED TO LET RITA DOWN GENTLY,

HE WAS MET WITH ANOTHER SURPRISE.

- SURPRISE!

- WHAT'S THIS? - WE'RE THROWING YOU A WEDDING.

- [gasps] OH, HOW LOVELY! - ON US.

EVERYTHING YOU SEE.

SHOW HIM THE WAFFLE BAR, LARRY.

- IT'S OVER THERE. - AND CHECK OUT BANNER, MICHAEL.

I'M GONNA GO SET UP.

- I WAS JUST GONNA TALK TO RITA ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

RITA, I THINK THAT WE SHOULD, UM, WAIT A LITTLE WHILE.

- WAIT? WHY? I DON'T WANNA WAIT.

I WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS

LIKE YOU PROMISED.

- WHERE DID YOU GET THIS FIRECRACKER?

I LOVE HER, MICHAEL.

- SO DO I. I WANNA KISS MY NEW DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

- HEY, NOT ON OUR TIME, LARRY.

- RIGHT ON THE LIPS.

- NO, NO. PLEASE, TAKE IT EASY.

- I'M GONNA GET MY DRESS FROM THE-- FROM THE ROOM.

- YES. I'LL HELP YOU PUT IT ON INSIDE-OUT.

- LET'S-- LET'S NOT ALL GET, UM--

MOM, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE AGAINST ALL THIS.

- WELL, WE FEEL THAT YOU KNOW BEST...

AND WHO ARE WE TO INTERFERE, AND YOU LOVE THIS GIRL.

AND THE REST WILL JUST BE LITTLE HAPPY SURPRISES...

ALONG THE WAY LIKE YOU SAID.

- YEAH. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE RETARD THING.

- OH, GOD.

- TELL ME YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT.

- YOU KNEW? [moans]

YOU KNEW, YET YOU STILL WANTED ME TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS.

- WHAT CAN I SAY?

I'M CRAZY ABOUT THE LITTLE DULLARD.

- OH, MY GOD. SHE'S RICH.

THIS IS A NEW LOW, EVEN FOR YOU, MOM.

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

- LARRY, GO TO A MIRROR.

- YOU'RE FIRED. - YOU'RE FIRED. WHAT?

IT'S OVER.

AND THIS IS HOW YOU TELL ME-- IN THE MIDDLE OF A WEDDING?

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING.

- YOU WERE RIGHT. NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

- I'VE BEEN THINKING.

YOU KNOW, EVERY SOCIETY HAS THEIR OWN RULES

ABOUT THIS STUFF.

FOR INSTANCE, IN SOME STATES,

IT'S LEGAL TO MARRY YOUR OWN COUSIN.

CALIFORNIA'S BLOCKED IT TWICE, BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE THEY

TACKED IT ONTO AN ESTATE LAW THING THAT WASN'T GOING TO PASS.

WE HAD THE SIGNATURES THOUGH.

- YOU'RE 16, AND YOU KNOW ALL THAT.

SHE'S 30 AND A HALF.

SHE PROBABLY CAN'T LIST THE SEVEN HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT.

- THERE'S THREE. - NOW I GOTTA BREAK HER HEART.

- DOESN'T SHE HAVE TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY IF YOU DON'T MARRY HER?

- YEAH, I GUESS I CAN KEEP MY PROMISE ABOUT THAT, HUH?

THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY REAL INTIMACY,

AND IT WOULD BE THE STRONGEST MARRIAGE IN THE FAMILY.

BUT AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO,

YOU CAN'T IGNORE THE FACT THAT SHE IS MENTALLY DISABLED.

- OH, MY GOD.

- I'M WEARING AN INSIDE-OUT BRIDESMAID'S DRESS.

- YOU'D BETTER CATCH HER, DAD.

- NOT GONNA BE EASY. SHE'S AN OLYMPIC SILVER--

JUST FIGURED THAT ONE OUT.

- OKAY. WELL, I HAVE TO GO STOP PRODUCTION ON THE OCEAN WALKER.

- YOU FOUND OUT. - TOOK ME LONG ENOUGH.

- MAYBE YOU'RE NOT SMART EITHER.

I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL THEY TOLD ME.

- NO. I'M JUST A NARCISSIST

WHO WAS TOO SELF-INVOLVED TO SEE THE TRUTH.

- THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME.

- MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE I'M BEING TOO HARD ON MYSELF.

YOU KNOW, THE TRUTH IS--

IS THAT I DID JUST SEE WHAT I WANTED TO SEE.

RITA, YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL, AND YOU'RE SO SWEET.

AND YOU DESERVE TO FIND SOMEBODY A LOT MORE LIKE YOU.

I DON'T THINK THAT EITHER ONE OF US WOULD BE HAPPY.

- SO, IT'S BYE-BYE TO RITA THEN?

- UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO STAY IN AMERICA.

- I WANTED TO BE WITH YOU. - HOY! RITA!

TIME TO GO NOW. BACK TO ENGLAND, LOVE.

- OH, MICHAEL, WILL YOU COME VISIT ME LOTS?

- THAT'S GONNA BE DIFFICULT, RITA.

YOU'RE GONNA BE ACROSS AN OCEAN.

- WELL, YOU CAN ALWAYS WALK. - NOT ON THE WATER.

- OH, MICHAEL, YOU'RE SUCH A GROWN-UP.

[sighs]

- HEY! HE-HEY!

HANG ON A SEC.

THAT'S PART OF YOUR TRICK, RIGHT?

- NO. THAT'S NOT MY TRICK, MICHAEL. narrator: ON THE NEXT ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

- IT'S MY ILLUSION! narrator: MICHAEL RELIVES A WEDDING NIGHTMARE.

- HELP! PUT HIM OUT!

- MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!

- PUSH HIM IN THE POOL! - WHY AM I NOT GOING UNDERWATER?

DEAR GOD! WHY AM I NOT GOING UNDERWATER?