Home > Arrested Development

Borderline Personalities

NARRATOR: It was over a hundred degrees

on the border of California and Mexico.

But that was nothing compared to the temperature

inside George Sr.'s desert sweat lodge...

So hot.

...where he had gathered a group of CEOs...

ALL: So hot.

...with the promise of spiritual enlightenment...

Anybody hallucinating yet?

Did anybody else hear that iguana speak?

...as a stepping stone to financial empowerment.

Let's kill it.

Okay. They're ready.

Of course, there were certain occupational hazards.

-All right, guys, easy. -(men murmuring)

-I'm not... -Kill the iguana.

I'm not an iguana.

It's part of the process.

They're ready. They're ready!

NARRATOR: Now the story

of a family whose future was abruptly canceled

and the one father who had no choice

but to keep himself together.

It's George Sr.'s...

NARRATOR: George Sr. was getting ready to motivate

his gathered CEOs after a narrow brush with death

at the hands of a Frito-Lay executive.

(George Sr. whoops)

Yeah!

Now, that was the most invigorating session yet.

I feel good.

You feel good?

This is George Sr.

I got you.

You know, guys, even I, Father B., when I first started these sweat lodges,

I would come out of there thinking, oh, God, I wish I had a... a lemonade.

Just like a child, you know.

Cold water, some lemons, a little sugar, you know.

That's what I gave my power to!

Can we have the teaching pitcher please?

Heartfire.

Hey, guys, this is Heartfire.

She is silent, but in that silence, there is strength.

She needs no words to communicate to you.

Boundless power to you, too, Heartfire.

Hell, I was so weak, you guys,

I was willing to spend $10,000 just a little...

(slurps)

...sip of this lemonade.

MAN (breathily): Fifteen!

But now I can spend two hours in brutal heat with a cup of this cold, refreshing lemonade and just pour it in the dirt.

-(yells, whimpers) -Ah, come on, Daniels!

You ran Bear Stearns, for God's sake!

I was like this.

Just like this.

Then I went to the desert to seek answers, and now I have them.

Actually, George Sr. had come to the desert

to escape questions.

Years earlier, after duping his twin brother Oscar...

-You gave me up, George. -George? I'm not George.

...into taking his place at a party

the family held on the Queen Mary,

George Sr. stowed away with a son

who was also fleeing the family.

How was the party?

Mom stole it.

-The whole boat? -She had.

-As she fled to sea... -Full steam, boys!

...a strategy their lawyer's son came up with

on his first day back in the country after law school.

I'm wondering if we shouldn't have a plan in regards to bookkeeping, in case we accidentally make a mistake or get caught.

What if we were to become a... an-an... an NLC?

-Ooh! -A "No Liability Corporation."

We just have no liability, just nothing...

Well, first of all, I would avoid doing anything illegal.

May I make a suggestion?

-Sure. -Take to the sea!

Three miles out, and it's a free-for-all!

No rules, pirate radio laws.

Really! Is this true, Mr. Zuckerkorn?

Sure.

So we will stick together and have all of our meetings on boats.

Well, uh, I don't know if that's necessary.

Yeah, because they don't have to be together, because you can't try a husband and wife for the same crime, right?

Sure.

We have the best (bleep) attorneys.

You think we should go back?

Absolutely. She's your mother.

Family has to stick together.

You're afraid she'll turn on you.

Won't even leave the table during a dinner party.

Okay.

We're going back, George Michael!

It turned out, Lucille had returned to shore, too.

(over TV): Why the alleged ship-jacker changed direction is still unexplained.

And soon the family met up

at the beginning of a fourth season...

-My wife, how is she? -...that would never come.

She's fine. You're lucky we didn't have an autumn, otherwise she'd be colder.

Look what they've done, George!

Look what the homosexuals have done to me.

A joyride.

That's what they decide to do with the freedom this country has given them.

(quietly): That's the best alibi I've been able to come up with, because our lawyer says he thinks he can get rid of the SEC charges, but he's worried about the pirating of the Queen Mary.

Says they have a suit against us.

-Where is Barry? -He's with the harbormaster.

He's trying to dazzle them with a suit of his own.

Well, he hated the suit.

Thought I was making fun.

But basically, this is a "good news/bad news" deal.

First of all, won't be cheap.

It's gonna cost you a fortune in legal fees.

-What's the good news? -Oh, yeah.

Well, from your perspective, I can see where you think it's all bad news.

It's all bad news.

Also, it turns out that stealing the Queen Mary comes under maritime law, which, I just found out, is an actual thing.

It's a real thing.

Don't you worry.

We got three months to prepare for this hearing.

And so, George Sr. went to his competitor,

Stan Sitwell, with an offer,

so he could afford to cover Lucille's high legal fees.

Buy the rest of your stock? You got to be kidding me.

I already dumped the stock I owned to Lucille Austero.

Don't forget, I was on that boat.

And believe me, I lost more than just the 50 grand on that sale.

I also lost a perfectly good pair of human chest hair nipple tufts when we hit the water.

Stan Sitwell suffered from alopecia,

a condition that rendered him hairless.

That's kelp; why would I put it onto my chest or head or anywhere else?

STAN: I was gonna show those babies off

-at the Jacuzzi after-party. -Come on, Stan.

I'm offering you the chance to double

-the size of your business. -Way ahead of you.

I've got a big project coming up.

And even you can't compete for this one, with your business in the shape that it's in.

This is a biggie.

I get this contract, and it gets government approval,

I'll be bigger than Halliburton.

Well, maybe not Halliburton, but definitely Halliburton Teen.

NARRATOR: Halliburton Teen was a leading

youth and lifestyle retailer, despite the fact

that it was a rebranding of the tarnished Halliburton

Penitentiary and Rendition Systems.

It's also how their deep-water drilling enterprise

spawned this company.

Anyway, you're too late.

The contract is practically mine.

Even you can't underbid me. (chuckles)

Well, you may have a bigger business than me, but you will never have this.

And believe me, I'm gonna find out that project you're working on, even if I have to search the public records for the blueprints myself.

Unless you search in this office, you will never find them.

Oh... aah...!

Ow, my hair! My beautiful hair!

(gasping, groaning)

My hair! My beautiful hair!

(camera clicks)

This isn't what it looks like!

Oh, really?

Because it looks like a monument to George W. Bush.

Well, you got me.

You're in for a rude awakening, Sitwell.

It'll never stand.

It's too thin.

It'll never stand.

(quietly): You see, the W's and the word "bush."

I mean, what else could it be?

You mean other than a 20-foot-wide monument that goes five miles into the sky?

I know, I know. And I told him it wouldn't stand, which I probably shouldn't have.

It's a wall, George; you're looking at it sideways.

The W stands for "wall."

The bushes...

Stand for the bushes.

Ah-- this explains the immigration booth

10,000 feet in the air.

It's to separate the U.S. and Mexico, to keep out the immigrants, which was my idea!

Was your idea. I remember.

You said that right after Lupe got the bleach stain on your teal blazer.

How did you miss this, George?

This is business we should have.

Is this how you're going to let it all end, as a failure?

-Is that your plan? -No.

Of course not.

It was his plan.

NARRATOR: George Sr. felt discouraged and alone...

Bluth for two-- I mean, one.

I thought I already seated you.

...when he saw a familiar face: his own...

...on his twin brother Oscar.

George! Actually, we came in to use the bathroom, but they sat me.

And they have mahimahi today.

Will you join us? Will you have a mahimahi on me?

-On you. -Fine, but I'm gonna sit opposite you, so it won't look bad.

These are my friends; we all live in the desert together.

This is Heartfire; she's an aura specialist.

She did Matthew Modine.

I will.

Heartfire would like some more crackers.

Oscar, you don't believe that nonsense, do you?

No, no, no. You're a skeptic.

But I'll tell you something, the desert changes you.

Dr. Norman is a disgraced anesthesiologist.

Oh.

The bigger crime would've been the patient didn't wake up and testify against me.

But nobody cares about the part of the oath he kept.

I'll tell you this.

If that nastiness had never happened,

I never would've gotten those prison pen pal letters from the most beautiful woman in the world.

(loudly): If he as bad as the state of California say he is, then why did I fall in love with him, huh?

Yo, (bleep) the state of California!

(bleep) 'em!

Bunch of California (bleep), yeah.

As you can imagine, her letters really stood out.

Do you know China Garden?

I know the downtown one.

You know, I shouldn't judge.

'Cause you have friends, and I...

I envy that.

You're welcome to my friends, brother.

I don't want these.

But perhaps due to the absence of Lucille,

the two brothers connected as they hadn't in years.

I'm not the big man I thought I was.

Forget the past, George.

I don't know; maybe it's because I live on the border between the United States and Mexico and...

Hold on. Border?

You don't think I live like this all the time, do you?

That's why I had so much fun at that party on the Queen Mary.

And you paid for my haircut.

And you made me... dress like you.

Forget the past.

What were you saying about that property on the border?

And that's when George Sr. first saw the desert property.

And the much smaller sweat lodge that was on the land.

You live here?

Ask him!

Would you like to watch us make love?

No. You live here?

We have been.

You see, Mexico starts right at the end of that gully, and we have to get in and out of there so we can get at the maca root.

What the hell is maca root?

It's an ancient Aztec power herb.

It's an endocrine adaptogen.

It's legal to grow in Mexico, but it's against the law to consume it there.

Of course, you can ingest it here, but you can't grow it.

And... you can bring it into Mexico, but you can't bring it out.

So it's, uh, hard.

So you guys are knowingly breaking the law?

But it's worth it, because maca has powerful properties, especially when combined with an hour in the sweat lodge.

It gets up to 110 degrees in there.

Sounds fun.

Oh, but you have to do it with us.

You'll find a power you didn't know you had.

But, um, you want to do it soon,

(sobbing): because they're kicking us off of the land.

I'm sorry.

Oh, great. Now you're gonna make me cry.

Oh, lizard! Look! Look, a lizard!

Cute!

What if I were to buy this land?

I don't understand; why would you want to do that?

Well, I always talk about being a great man.

Maybe a way to do that is not by being the biggest businessman in Southern California, it's...

It's by being the best brother in Southern California.

George Sr. was going to say,

"By gouging the government when they needed the land..."

You bet.

Hey, guys, we're staying.

Oh, thank you, brother.

...but he'd save that for Lucille.

-Thank you, maca. -Thank you, maca!

And I can get this land for a song.

George was proud of his plan.

Are you listening to me?

So are those cameras, George.

We can't use the same cameras from when he was under house arrest?

WORKMAN: These are from the maritime penal system.

They make us use the waterproof ones.

-In here. -Okay.

GEORGE SR.: We're gonna sell that land to the government for Sitwell's wall, and I'm gonna take the cash.

I am gonna mount a case that shows that my wife is not the power-hungry monster the SEC wants to make her out to be.

You're such a puny thinker.

Am I puny-thinking again?

Sitwell's wall?

How about our wall? We build the wall.

We do have the plan.

He says he can build it for $200 million, we offer to build it for $150 million, and we make up the difference when we sell the land.

And I use that cash as a little stimulus for us.

Maybe a little something for the family.

And we build that sucker...

That's my Georgie!

...five miles high.

Long. Five miles long.

I got nothing in my system but a maca root cookie.

-(clattering) -So, that one's all set.

Uh... can I put one up there?

Only if you want to see the sexiest video you've ever seen.

(George Sr. moans)

Sorry I gave you the old noodle stab in there.

I needed something in my system.

You know, we can't look like we're in cahoots on this.

Especially with my trial coming up.

Yeah, that's right.

We have to separate our assets.

To protect this.

To protect our love.

NARRATOR: And that's when they got the idea

to pretend they were getting a divorce.

-We're getting a divorce. -(Buster screams)

I want to know about the stimulus package.

We haven't had sex since Christmas, Michael!

BUSTER: Uh... I'm... I'm sorry.

You had sex seven weeks ago?

They were remodeling my room, and I pulled my cot in there,

-just like camp. -We yelled at you to leave.

Yeah, but then you whispered, "Don't pull out!"

(Gob screams)

You didn't want to use any of that money for...

(Gob groans)

You couldn't use any of that money to finish Sudden Valley?

And although their plan was dealt a minor setback

when Michael sold the controlling shares

to Lucille 2...

You know what? I am done with this family.

I hope you've saved some money,

'cause you're gonna need every dime now.

...all they had to do

was keep their plan a secret from her

and cash in quickly.

ANCHORMAN: 4:28 in the morning here in the O.C.

I'm John Beard.

Well, there was some more grim economic news today.

The housing prices continue to plummet,

and the economists say it may take quite some--

What are you... what are you doing?

(goofy voice): I'm John Beard, and I'm a Gloomy Gus.

I don't have a mustache.

And the government put the wall project on hold.

Can't be on hold.

They already gave me the money to start the building.

No! I cannot live off of that!

No, I already used that money as the down payment of six square miles of desert

I cannot afford to make payments on!

Oh, God... sorry, Norman.

(inhales)

(muffled): Huh?

Uh, nothing.

OSCAR: Hey, brother, you seem tense.

Come with me to the sweat lodge.

Sweat out this frustration; you can learn on this.

And perhaps it was a sense of futility

or the fact he hadn't brought a book to the desert,

but George Sr. chose to enter the small, smoke-filled room,

while his wife was also confined

to a smoke-filled room,

having found a way around both the building's strict

no-smoking policy...

...and the fact that her ankle monitor prevented her

from approaching the balcony.

So, anyways, I went down to the club and I... I can't...

My food was gone, I could...

That restaurant, typically, has a really nice maitre d'...

Can't really remember the host's name, but he was... he was kind of in his 60s...

(sputtering)

(sighs)

(weakly): I have to stop.

I have to stop. So...

(stammers)

(panting): But, finally, I just ordered... pastrami shortcake, like I said, but I didn't order...

I didn't order sprinkles this-- Oh, Mother, please.

(crying): Please.

Meanwhile, in George Sr.'s sweat lodge,

a solution to his problems was emerging, as well...

Kind of hot, huh?

I'd give $10,000 for a glass of lemonade right now.

...in the form of a vision.

Sweat... and squeeze.

NARRATOR: It was to be a "sweat and squeeze."

Dr. Norman?

Dr. Norman, we have a hot mess.

NARRATOR: George Sr. had been passed out

for two days after having a vision...

which is why this seat was empty at his wife's trial.

But soon, he was hard at work...

Okay, look up large mud huts.

-...making his vision a reality. -Can fit 20.

Do a something search. Um, used is fine.

No, no, I got it.

Sweat caves.

See what you get.

You got 'em?

All right, well, then, ship it!

A sweat lodge, where he could be

a preacher of profit to other type-A executives like himself.

All right, this whole area here, this is going to be visitor yurts.

Oh, and we're gonna need industrial-size juicers!

He went to work on constructing a seminar,

much of which he borrowed from his brief stint

as a Jewish-y guru while in prison.

ANNOUNCER: Now's your chance to own the entire

George Bluth "Caged Wisdom" library...

Will you read that back to me, please?

This time, however, he needed to be actually ordained

as a religious preacher to avoid tax implications.

Lemonade!

But fortunately, there was a Phoenix for him, too.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Almost there. Question three.

But business really took off when

an article about George Sr.'s operation appeared

in an exclusively first-class in-flight magazine.

And soon the retreat was up and running, and George Sr.

was determined to create the illusion

of a first-class experience.

And did you want the partial bush or broken gate view?

The seminar was reasonably priced at $1,000.

The sweat and squeeze was simple.

First, George Sr. sweated out his acolytes' defenses...

-(whimpering) -Ah, come on, Daniels!

You ran Bear Stearns, for God's sake!

I was like this.

Then I went to the desert to seek answers, and now I have them.

...and then it was time for the squeeze.

And for another 15 grand, you can have them, too.

I'll teach you how to get yachts,

I'll teach you how to get penthouses, and how to get something for yourself by taking it from someone who thinks it's his.

Does it come with lemonade?

It comes with all the lemonade you can drink.

"Squeeze" had two meanings.

Who's in?

Sign 'em up. Sign 'em up.

Come on, get your wallets out, let's go, guys.

And George Sr. had even found a great way

-to handle the heat. -Hey.

Hey.

He had his twin brother endure it.

Did you bring me some lemonade?

No, sir. It is crazy out there.

For the first time we are out.

Look what I brought you, Mr. Oscar--

50 bucks-- your half.

Oh, you know, I feel bad taking this.

All I did was sit and sweat.

Which is why it seemed

that Father B. was so resilient

to the depleting effects of the sweat lodge.

Whoo! Yeah!

Now, that was the most invigorating session yet.

(laughs) Hey, buddy, come on, it's happening, you know.

We're helping people.

-(groaning) -If I could give you just one note, little energy.

As the retreat grew,

George Sr. was finding himself emboldened with power,

while Oscar was bushed.

Hey, Oscar, that scared me.

Come on, man, get back in there.

I was starting to sweat.

I'm just trying to get my strength up.

Maca usually gets me there.

Hey, chew some maca with me.

I can't, okay, I got to go up to see Lucille tomorrow.

George Sr. had been meeting

with Lucille on a weekly basis at her new home

under the pretense of working on their divorce.

You look nice.

Oh, stop trying to butter me up.

Let's just get this divorce agreed to so you can get out of here.

(door closes)

-(gasps) -Oh, God.

It's almost like adultery this way.

Good, I like that.

-"My wife doesn't understand me." -My angel.

(gasping and moaning)

"I haven't had an orgasm outside of my bathtub in 30 years."

How's that?

GEORGE SR.: Although, at times, I do wish it were darker.

It's too bad you don't have time to try this.

Yesterday, I was talking to a lizard, and it turned into Elizabeth Taylor.

-Young Elizabeth Taylor? -Uh-huh.

Yeah, I could use some maca.

Give me some of that.

NARRATOR: And soon a vision did appear.

I don't know what's going on.

For some reason I'm just getting Richard Burton today.

Oh, my God, what's that?

That's the commode.

Are you at all concerned that the maca bush is directly downhill from that?

He should have been,

but Oscar was actually referring to what now appeared

to be a divine spirit, personified as an ostrich.

You trespass on sacred ground.

The spirits command me to warn you.

You must leave this land or the land will change you.

GEORGE SR.: Don't worry, he's probably from a local reservation. I'll, I'll take care of this.

How about you book me two nights for Ray Romano at your casino?

The strong will become the weak, the weak will become the strong.

And get us close to the front but not close enough that Ray talks to us.

You have been warned.

See ya.

I don't know what you saw, but I got an ostrich and no boner.

NARRATOR: One year after George Sr. had

the incident with the ostrich guy,

things had indeed started to change.

Where was I? Um... oh, yeah.

Father B. had lost his command over the crowd.

Who would like some lemonade for $2,000?

Come on, guys, I looked the other way on the bottled water because you look thirsty, but you got to play along here. Heartfire?

Where's the lemonade?

Shh!

And as business slowed down...

Will you excuse me just one sec?

...Oscar had started being

more independent and harder to find.

(whispering): Norman, have you seen Oscar?

No, have you seen China Garden?

No.

Did you kill that armadillo?

No, no, he's just under.

If only we could use some of his medicine for our own pain.

Oh, wait, I've got a full syringe in the car.

And George Sr. would soon get

worse economic news from his attorney.

GEORGE SR.: Oh, this can't be good.

I mean, you didn't drive all this distance for good news.

You've got a balloon payment due on the mortgage on this property.

It's about $15 million.

I mean, I-- what am I gonna do?

Where am I gonna get that money?

I thought you were going to sell the land to the government to build the wall.

Yeah, but that was put on hold.

So? It's election time.

Now's the time to get a politician to push for the wall.

Isn't that dizzy kook Lucille Austero running?

No, no, she, she can't know about this.

She's the majority owner of my company, and besides, she's so pro-immigrant.

NARRATOR: She was.

She'd even taken in a Latino foster child,

which she denied was an attempt to bring in the Hispanic vote.

Nonetheless, she did know what cultural buttons to push

to win their hearts.

BARRY: Doesn't matter, she's not going to win anyway.

The guy you want is the guy she's running against--

Herbert Love, right?

He's got a rally tonight.

Go and see him.

Everyone knows how persuasive you can be.

Used to be.

I'd be lucky to sell a glass of lemonade for a thousand dollars today.

Now, listen.

If I can take no more than a law degree from the Virgin Islands...

-Yeah. -...a-a-and turn it into a net worth of $750,000-- before, of course, what I owe in lawsuits-- you can talk a politician into wasting public funds on a wall.

Wait, wait, that rally is tonight?

-Mm-hmm. -But I'm supposed to meet my wife tonight, which I am dreading, by the way.

NARRATOR: One of the changes

that had occurred over the previous year...

-My right rear tire is low. -...was a decrease

in the physical intimacy George Sr. and his wife had enjoyed.

You're so ugly from behind.

GEORGE SR.: 'Cause if no one shows up at that office, she really will divorce me.

BARRY: Too bad you can't use a double.

Oh, also I used a look-alike named Stewart to take the California bar for me.

But you knew that, right?

-Oscar. -NARRATOR: And later,

while once again looking for his own double...

-Oscar. -...George, who was acting more like Oscar,

finally found Oscar, who was acting more like George.

Why aren't you sweating?

Maybe I had a better offer.

And not a word to Dr. Norman.

He doesn't think women should be awake for it.

-"Oh, great Dr. Norman." -(chuckles)

You know, we have to be very careful.

Oscar, we are trying to help people here.

I know, I know, I know, but you know what?

It just gets hot in there sometimes!

Whoa, we don't, we don't have to yell.

Why not you go do hot sweat, let Oscar do squeeze?

All right, I mean, I'm not saying that.

I just, uh, I need a break.

I just can't go on

-pretending to be you, sitting silently... -Shh.

...in a, in a 100-degree mud hut for an hour and a half.

I am begging you-- there has to be something else

I can impersonate you doing.

It's funny you should say that because, uh, if you're okay with the sitting silently part,

I have something for you that's quite chilling.

-Thank you. -NARRATOR: And so George Sr. left

to seek out the right-wing politician Herbert Love

as Oscar headed out to visit Lucille, disguised as George,

which is exactly who Barry thought

he was talking to.

I just pooped in a hole and covered it up.

I hope I did the right thing.

There's a commode.

It's, it's directly uphill from the maca root.

Yeah, I really feel bad for the guy that's got to dig that up for the foundation for the wall.

(both laugh)

Yeah, wha-what wall?

(gasps)

Very good, George.

We got to be careful where we talk about this.

Ooh, I got to watch my words.

And that's when Oscar realized that George Sr.

didn't buy the land

to be the best brother in Southern California.

We 12 publishes a rare retraction.

Oscar confirms his suspicions of the wall

while impersonating George Sr.

I thought we... (clears throat)

(deeper voice): I thought we could talk about the wall.

You know, the wall.

Have you baked your brain in that pizza oven, or is senility your backup plan if we can't get the government to buy the property?

(gasps) So we only did buy that land for personal gain.

(laughing): Well, what Oscar does-doesn't know won't hurt him.

(chuckling): Oscar.

NARRATOR: And although it wasn't

a perfect impersonation...

I love it when you call my name.

...he did have the maca root.

(gasps) George!

Don't call me that.

Call me Father B.