Home > Arrested Development

The B. Team

NARRATOR: Michael Bluth was starting a new job

when he received a call from attorney Barry Zuckerkorn.

Hello. Michael Bluth, residential complexes.

-(horn honks) -MAN: Take a picture of this!

BARRY: Hey, Michael.

-You're in real estate again? -Sort of.

Michael had tried to leave real estate behind

and get a job in the high-tech sector.

However...

I will tell you that in my last position,

I had a company car provision.

I think we may have something that can get you a car.

-Hey, Gare-Bear? -Yeah?

I think we got an ostrich.

-Oh, God, grab him. -What is it?

Now, with this car, you may get some stares.

I'm used to a car with some stairs.

NARRATOR: Albeit one that had trouble

negotiating low-hanging obstacles.

(horn honking)

(tires squealing)

Which is why he'd parted with it.

MICHAEL: I'm actually working in high tech, but it does collide with real estate.

This is going to be low.

Ah, I hooked it.

NARRATOR: Michael was driving a car

from a company that shows

every private residence in the country.

But it's also a company that won't let us

show the car that takes those pictures.

In fairness to them, it is their property.

(horn honking)

If you want to know what the company is...

Save it. We're just going to blur it anyway.

...all you have to do is...

"something" it.

Barry, you still there?

So I got a really interesting call from Ron Howard, of all people.

He's directing now, apparently, and wants to meet you at his office in-- get this-- Beverly Hills.

-Why does Ron How... -(horn honks)

Why does Ron Howard want to meet with me?

Oh, I didn't know. His office didn't say, and if you don't mind, I'm a little busy with a case of my own.

Did you get any other information?

Apparently, he directed a movie called Cocoon.

MICHAEL: Sorry. I was unclear

about why he wants to meet with me.

I don't know. You want me to tell him to go (bleep) himself?

I can tell Ron Howard to go (bleep) himself.

Tell him to shove it up his (bleep).

I just can't do it now because I'm in front of a jury.

Barry, I will meet with him.

You're in front of a jury right now?

Oh, and the looks I'm getting. Got to go.

Sorry, everybody. I'm an attorney, too.

BOB: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I'd like the defendant to reach over the school gate, open it from the inside and enter the school property, please.

I can't reach it. I can't reach the knob.

Why is that, Mr. Zuckerkorn?

-I'm not tall enough. -You're not tall enough.

I can't reach the chotchie.

Hey, should I try tippy-toe?

Look, I'm on tippy-toes.

If he can't reach, this trial's a breach.

Ooh, and that's what we call a Law Bomb.

That's a low blow, Loblaw.

A Bob Loblaw Law Bomb.

NARRATOR: Now the story

of a family who's future was abruptly cancelled

and the one son who had no choice

but to keep himself together.

It's Michael's...

Michael drove to the North American headquarters

of Imagine Entertainment,

the modest film television and streaming colossus

of Brian Grazer and Ron Howard.

And got his first taste of how cruel Hollywood can be.

That's not very nice.

KITTY: "Ankles" means "leaves" in Variety, Michael.

Kitty Sanchez. What are you doing here?

I work here. I'm a "D" girl.

No, I don't want to see them.

I'm not going to show you my (bleep), you pig.

It means "development."

I'm a movie executive. I work for Ron Howard now.

NARRATOR: And she'd proven as loyal to him as she was

to her former boss, Michael's father.

But without the quote, unquote "benefits."

Also, Imagine provided no health benefits.

Great for you. How'd you get this job?

Women can be movie executives, you pig. I knew people.

You're probably going to call me a pig for this, too, but are you sure that you meant to say "knew"?

She did.

The only thing at Imagine that Kitty blew

was smoke up the skirt of the young woman

who hired her, Michael's niece, Maeby,

who was then working as a film executive.

My first project is about my family.

Ooh!

Yeah, which is why I thought you'd be a perfect assistant-- because you know where all the bodies are buried.

And I even helped bury some of them.

Maeby was only 17 at the time.

Also, um, can you buy me booze?

Totally.

(whispering): Whatever else, too.

'Cause I can get you smack or hash or Special K...

Unfortunately, when Maeby was shooting

out of town on a picture, Kitty saw to it...

She didn't even get releases from her family.

that Maeby's was one of the bodies that was buried.

And I begged her to.

And the project got thrown on the back burner.

MICHAEL: Do you have any idea why Ron Howard wants to see me?

Believe me, if I could think like Ron Howard,

I'd own the second largest building in Beverly Hills.

Only Jerry Bruckheimer's building

was technically taller.

But who wants to be south of Wilshire?

WOMAN: Mr. Howard will see you now.

-Oh, great. -I'll take you to the private elevator.

-Thanks. -Ooh! Going to meet the big man himself.

But first, Michael would have to pass a few little Rons.

Michael Bluth.

-Hey. -Hey, nice try, mister.

We're never going to beat the original.

-Well, that's what I've been saying. -Hi. Hey.

-Oh, Michael. Hey, thanks for coming down. -How are you?

-Pleasure to meet you. -I'm just finishing up casting this Andy Griffith Show thing.

Okay. Yeah.

Hang on a second.

You guys finally making that movie?

I've been reading about it for, like, 40 years.

Well, it's not a done deal yet,

-but I want to talk about you. -Yeah.

-Hey, let's go inside the LEM. -(gasps)

-You want to? -Wow. Is this the one that landed on the moon?

On a soundstage.

Oh, right, from Apollo 13.

No, no, 1969.

I'll tell you about it inside the LEM.

It's soundproof in there.

And it's a national secret.

So, NASA did go to the moon in '71.

That one was real.

But in '69, they weren't ready, so they faked the whole thing on the soundstage of Gentle Ben.

-Boy. -Me and my brother, we hid up in the rafters.

-We seen the whole thing. -Ah.

But I want to talk to you about something.

Okay.

For the last year, I've been going to Phoenix.

Whoa, whoa. Hang on, now.

Are you kidding me?

I'm a... I'm a Phoenix.

I've-I've never... I've never met anyone else in person that, uh... that also goes there.

That's amazing.

I guess that's the downside of going to college online, huh?

Well, I... I just got a sick aunt down there.

-Oh, I see. -But on the last flight,

I was flipping through the magazine,

-and I... I saw something. -Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Not-not... not the begging photo.

Now, I don't think you know this about me, but most of my movies are based on still photographs that I find truly inspiring.

NARRATOR: It was true.

Splash was based on what turned out

to be a counterfeit Hockney

that Brian talked Ron into buying.

The Da Vinci Code was from this photo.

RON HOWARD: You know Willow?

That was from a Soft 'n Snuggly coupon I got in the mail.

But a man who is passionate enough to beg, well, that's a character whose story we really want to see.

-Really? -Plus I've been dying to figure out a way to do something about the market crash ever since my partner, Brian Grazer, was tipped off that it was three months away from happening.

What's that?

But I never had a face to put on it.

Until now. You.

Your wife is dying.

You're trying to hold your family together.

Oh, gosh, no, no, no.

My wife died years before any... any of this.

Oh, gee.

I think it's a lot more fun if we see her die.

-That is fun. -And by the way, then it's a fantastic part for a leading lady.

In fact, my girl Rebel would be great in that part.

Your girl?

Rebel Alley.

She's an actress. You know her.

NARRATOR: He didn't.

I do. Yes, of course I do.

Your girl, huh?

Well, we kind of like to keep that quiet.

Michael assumed that by "my girl,"

Ron was referring to his mistress...

I can see why you're telling me in the LEM, huh?

...but Ron was actually talking about his daughter.

You probably think I'm terrible for even mentioning her to you.

Oh, no, no, I'm-I'm not one to judge.

I'm sure you've all got girls up here in Hollywood, huh?

Brian's got two boys.

I think you're a natural and it could be a great movie.

You know, and-and it's a real chance to show you guys off, too.

Us guys?

Well, it's about the whole family.

Them?

We're going to need everybody's signature on these releases in order to make this story.

Although the real heartbeat of this thing is the father-son dynamic.

Yeah. You know, Ron,

I-I don't know if I can do this.

We're not in a great way right now, and-and it might not be worth...

Michael, take a few of these cards and really think about it.

-All right. -Yeah, man, I got a tough meeting coming up now.

How do you tell Ed Harris that he's simply not a Barney?

NARRATOR: And while Ed was getting some bad news,

Michael got some good news.

Excuse me. Uh, is this a mistake?

Am I a producer?

It's one of the perks of having a movie made about you.

Huh.

Health plan is not another one, by the way.

There's no health plan.

NARRATOR: Michael had been given an opportunity

to turn his life around, and all he had to do

to make it happen was to get

-his family's signatures. - ...the family signatures, especially my father's.

BARRY: Wow, sounds like your thing went a lot better than my thing.

Except I haven't spoken to them for a long time.

I mean, since I... well, since-since my mom...

Left?

Yeah, for prison, yeah.

You want to know what?

Frankly, I think Ron Howard just wants to get a movie for his girlfriend.

Oh, it sounds like Ron Howard is casting with his (bleep).

Well... it is hard to believe, but I guess they've all got their mistresses up here in showbiz, you know.

It's like it's their God-given...

Front? No, right.

-No, right. -Calm down, everybody, all right?

-I got it. I got it. -You think my dad would ever even go for something like this?

You know, it's very hard to get a signature out of him.

It's... it's like somebody a long time ago said...

BOTH: Hey, what if you never signed anything because you said you didn't have a signature?

-Just like you, Pop. -You... you don't have a signature?

No, and he's never given me one card.

Not one birthday card, which is why his presents are always money orders.

Right, Pop?

-I don't have a signature. -Oh!

If you don't sign, you will be fine.

Hey.

He's very smart.

He's very good.

Can you feel your hands?

I can't feel my pinky or this one.

MICHAEL: I hear what you're saying.

I... My dad would never do something like this for me.

I'm going to head back in, and I'm going to...

I'm going to tell Ron Howard to forget about it.

-Yeah, you're screwed. Hey, do me a favor. -Yeah.

-Tell Ron Howard to go -Okay.

-shove his... (bleep) -Bye-bye, Barry.

-Oh! -Sorry. Whoops.

Whoa. Sorry. That was my fault.

-No. -I was looking at my phone.

It's not too embarrassing walking around with a bunch of photographs of yourself.

Oh, well, looks like it's part of your job, huh?

-You're an actress? -No, I'm a narcissist.

Yeah, actually, "actress" is an overstatement because...

Ugh. Thank you.

I was just sucking at this audition I went on.

It was one of these ridiculous meet-cute clichés, where a guy and a girl just, you know... they bump into each other, and they... they fall in love.

God, you're handsome.

I got a... maybe a lucky hair day.

You're the beautiful one.

You have beautiful eyes.

My deceased wife had red hair.

Yep, garbage like that.

And it's so unbelievable.

Like, they never get each other's names.

Pretty stupid. Whoops. Gosh.

-Oh... oh! Ow! -Oh! Are you okay?

-That really hurt. -Ooh. You okay?

I wish I had done that well in the audition.

Where's a movie producer when you need one, right?

Well, it was really nice to meet you.

Yes, you, too.

I'm a "moobie" producer.

Sorry. I'm a movie...

Here, I've got...

I've got proof here, huh?

-Oh, you are a movie producer. -Yeah.

Yeah, there's a part for a wife, and you'd be perfect for the movie.

(chuckling)

Do you like Scottish music?

Uh, with the screeching horns and the silly...

Yeah. I'm in a band.

I love it. It's great.

We're playing at the Ealing Club tomorrow night, and... maybe you could come and... and just check it out.

Oh, yeah? I don't even know what that is.

(laughing)

I should've... Sorry.

That's funny. I should have said "where."

Of course, I know what it is.

No, it's on the top of that building.

-Okay. -But can you imagine driving that car?

No, I can't. No.

NARRATOR: It wasn't until Michael had walked

two blocks past the California Pizza Kitchen

when this happened.

♪ Hey, I met a girl today ♪

♪ And her name is... ♪

(bleep)

So Michael went back to find her

or, at the very least, try looking for a head shot

-with her name on it. -Nothing, huh?

She was super-pretty, red hair...

But even without her name,

he knew his only chance with her

was to be a real producer, and that meant

getting a signature from a father whose face

he hadn't seen in ages.

LUCILLE 2: Oh, you're making me dizzy!

And that's when he suddenly did.

LUCILLE 2: We have to keep this quiet!

Dad?

No, no.

-Hi. -LUCILLE 2: Don't say I'm down here.

-Right here. -Hey.

What's going on?

I just came back to get, uh...

LUCILLE 2 (whispering): Don't acknowledge me.

...get some suits, you know, so I can look like the uptight, dishonest, cheating boob that I am.

Well, I never said "boob."

Although you are in the wrong Lucille's apartment, so unless you're looking for a Bob Mackie original, could be some truth to the cheating part.

Yeah, well, I was in the desert, and I've lost my sense of direction.

-(clears throat) -Hey. Where you going?

Dad.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Listen.

You're getting divorced.

I am not one to judge.

Great to see you again.

The past is the past, and things have worked out, and I've met a wonderful woman named...

Don't worry about that, but I'm a movie producer now.

Unbelievable.

They're making a movie out of my life.

The girl I met is perfect to play my wife.

And it's... I don't know.

Can you believe it? And I know what you're thinking:

-"Can you put me in it?" -I don't care.

Do I have what I hope I've got?

Anybody who's getting in the movie needs to sign this.

It's a simple signature.

I think that everybody needs to see who the real George Sr. is, don't you?

I think it would all depend on how George Sr. was portrayed.

Well... he is not the most positive character, but... you sign this, and I don't see any reason why we can't make him seem very, very, uh... uh, you know... uh... uh... uh...

...nice.

-Go to hell. -Huh?

NARRATOR: Michael was actually relieved.

You go to hell.

He had no idea how he was

going to make his father seem nice.

NARRATOR: Michael Bluth was starting his new life

as a producer in-- get this-- Beverly Hills

without the signature he needed to make it happen.

Your office is only one floor below Ron Howard's.

Oh, yeah?

Must be a pretty important project to him, then, huh?

-That's one possibility. -(bell dings)

Watch your head.

Are these ceilings a little lower?

Brian and Ron wanted the ceiling in their office to be a few inches taller, but, apparently, Bruckheimer knows someone on city council and they wouldn't let them make the building taller.

So Ron said, "(bleep) you, Jerry," and he went lower with his floor.

Everybody wins, huh?

-Here we are. -Oh. That's me, huh?

Oh. Ceilings are even lower in here.

Yeah, your office is right below Brian's.

He wanted his ceiling just a few inches taller than Ron's.

-Okay. -Some internal competition.

-Kind of like between us. -Yeah.

-Wait, what? -Well, you have a family to track down.

Yeah, I do. Hey, speaking of that...

Kitty, is there... is there a directory of actresses,

-with pictures in it, that I could... -Wow.

Starting with the casting couch already.

No, no, no, no. Nothing like that.

I met... I met this unbelievable woman that would be perfect for the part of my wife.

And even if she isn't, I'd love to track her down, so... an actual couch could be useful, please.

Okay, you're funny.

This is Imagine Entertainment, not the hot tub at Bruckheimer Tower.

We make family movies, you (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) pig.

-Okay. -So, why don't you not worry about casting your movie, and instead just get the rights to your family, and, of course, if you need any help at all, I would love to help you.

-We like to pull together around here. -Watch your back.

No, you watch your back, mister!

If you screw up this project for me,

I will bury you farther underground than I did your illiterate little niece!

Hi, guys.

NARRATOR: With Michael's movie in jeopardy

over the rights, he decided to call in a favor.

MICHAEL: You know, we're making a movie about the family, and I thought,

"I wonder if Carl Weathers would be willing to help me out."

-Let me ask you this right up front. -Okay.

Do you think anybody would be upset if one of these Crinch dolls took a walk?

No, no, no, no, help yourself.

I know what you're thinking.

"What part would I play in this?"

I figured you'd want me to play me.

Well, I... I didn't want to waste you on you.

In fact, I wasn't even going to talk to you about acting, but if you are game, boy, that would be great.

Let's circle back to that.

There's a television show, was it, that you made about my family.

NARRATOR: Michael was referring to the George Bluth Sr. episode

of a horribly narrated crime reenactment series

called Scandalmakers

that Carl had directed years earlier.

Did you retain the rights to my father's story?

Nah, man, rights cost money.

I never bothered with that stuff.

I figure you go ahead, you shoot it.

Better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission.

NARRATOR: As it turned out, Carl

had never bothered to get either,

which is why he made himself the subject

of the final episode of the series.

Lee Nails, only pressed on once. (chuckles)

Carl, we're at a swap meet.

Okay. There he is.

-Carl Weathers. -Mr. Weathers-- Carl Weathers.

You've been accused of producing a television show based on real-life events for which you've done none of the due diligence in securing the rights thereto.

I only have one question.

Can I have your rights?

-Of course. -Of course, Carl Weathers.

CARL: Cut!

Now we'll move on, do a little voice-over.

How much are these belts?

-Oh, oh, oh, God. -DeBrie!

Her heart stopped. She's (bleep) dying.

Oh, hey, Dave, you shaved, I like it.

Please get the paddles!

Oh, hey, Mike. How was Ojai?

MICHAEL: But, Carl, the whole point of the movie is that it's a true story, so I need the rights.

-(laughing) -Don't I?

Man, you're as green as old lady Crinch.

Come on, people don't go to movies to see rights.

People go to movies to see actors.

Now, who you got as scriptwriter?

NARRATOR: And that's when Michael remembered

that he did know one member

-of the Writers Guild. -The eye is falling off this one.

You mind if I swap it out, you know, for the restaurant?

Swap it.

And I thought, who's going

to get it right the first time?

Because I don't want to give a lot of notes.

And then it came to me.

Who knows my father better than Warden Gentles?

Hold on one second.

"The first time."

Yeah.

My grandson gave me this, but I guarantee you, give me an old Royal and a glass of Scotch, and I'll give you

250 pages where the lightning hits the tree.

-That's not what we do here. -I mean, where the drop hits the pond.

-That's it. -I apologize.

I've had a few meetings today.

Then... the yellow robot gets mad at the pink robot--

-That does... -correction... the purple robot.

Sorry, I'm, I'm back to back today.

I bet.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

You're not charring my tree, and... yeah,

Jerry's not gonna come off the boat for this one.

MICHAEL: This is basically a story about

-Mm-hmm. -a fellow like myself

-and his father -Mm-hmm. and their friend Carl Weathers.

I'm not entirely sure how to organically work him into the, to the story.

Uh, you know, maybe he's teaching them lessons or something.

Anyway, I'm gonna leave that up to your capable hands.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

I've turned it off again.

Yeah, those are tricky.

Might I suggest bringing in someone younger to play the father-- a Philip Seymour Hoffman type?

A Philip Seymour Hoffman type.

And so, naturally,

I-I thought of you.

Well, you know, I'm a married man, so I don't really keep a directory of attractive young actresses around.

-Okay. -I mean, are you really planning on using her, or is it like Conan with the girl writers?

It doesn't matter, it...

I-I'm here to talk to you about a movie that we're gonna make about the family, and I thought that it might be really fun for us to work together again.

Help me remember. What did we do together?

You came over for a chicken and ham-water dinner that my family threw to raise some funds for itself.

And they're finally getting around to making a movie of that, huh?

There's more to it than that.

It's, it's about a young man trying to get out from under his domineering father while dealing with the slow death of his wife.

That just saved me 12 bucks.

I'm not going to see it.

I'm not asking you to see it; I'd like for you to be in it.

No offense, I have a job. I mean, I have a good thing.

-Oh, hey, Mr. O'Brien. -Hey, how's it going?

-Real good. -Andy, quick note.

Uh, just 'cause I look at you when we're doing the show and ask you a question doesn't mean you have to respond.

Sometimes it's funny when you don't say anything, and the audience gets to think, "Hey,

Andy really is stupid."

(laughs)

-Gets a big laugh. -(chuckles)

-Hey, you're new. -I've been here a year.

(laughing): And you're funny, too.

Let's get you set up in a writer's office.

Oh, you can have Andy's if you don't mind the smell of bologna.

I'm in.

♪ You're simply the best... ♪

NARRATOR: Michael had assembled his dream team,

and now it was time to wow his boss.

Excuse me, sir, could you turn that off, please?

Oh, I thought that was playing in here.

Sorry, it was a slide show of my granddaughter's-- daughter's graduation from college.

Sure.

-Michael. -High school.

-Hi. -Did you get the signatures?

Better-- I put together the core team: acting

-and writing. -ANDY: You guys do remember

I have to be back in Burbank by 1:00 every day, right?

-We've got that, uh-huh. -I'm looking forward to this.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -This is happening.

-It is happening. -It's happening.

Dude, you are moving way too fast.

Maybe by Hollywood standards, you know, but, Kitty, I come from the business community, where sometimes you have to show it to him already built.

Still think you're going to bury me?

Well, Michael, you may not have your father's signature, but you sure have his signature style.

Cue the music.

I think I just deleted my pitch.

NARRATOR: As it turns out, it wouldn't matter.

(elevator bell dings)

Uh-oh.

Hello, think there's a problem with the elevator.

Do you have a scheduled appointment?

N-No, we're here to see Ron Howard.

This is the untitled Michael B. project.

I'm actually a producer here. How are you?

I've got the office just below the sunken living room there in Brian's.

We're here to pitch Ron the movie.

I'm sorry, sir, this is a restricted floor.

RON: Louisa, it's all right.

For crying out loud, I'm not the king of England.

-Ah, there he is, hey, Ron. -Oh, did you get that signature?

You know, I've got something better-- take a look.

Andy Richter?

I'm out, (bleep) it, I'm out.

Not married to Andy,

-but what I do have is the writer. -Stephan Gentles,

Warden, East Orange County Department of Corrections and writer of multiple episodes of Rocko's Modern Life.

Well, everybody's got to start somewhere.

(laughs) As long as I don't end up there.

I'll have 25 pages on your desk by tomorrow morning.

Gosh, that's

-putting the cart before the horse. -Oh, yeah.

Loo-Look who I've got to play Carl Weathers.

Oh, is that Cuba?

No, no, n-n-no, that's not Cuba.

I did not want to waste Cuba on Carl.

This is Carl Weathers.

Oh, sure, Carl.

You know, I thought it was Cuba with the perfect Carl Weathers makeup.

No, no, no, no, Cuba doesn't have that kind of range.

The thing is, I really do insist on controlling the casting myself.

-I get it. -I'm out.

I thought maybe if you just saw the whole team together.

BRIAN: Team, what team?

I should be informed of all meetings.

Hey, Cuba, how you doing?

Oh, Brian, you know Carl Weathers, Andy Richter,

Stephan Gentles, and Michael Bluth.

I'm gonna skip this one.

Good to see you, Brian.

You know, Ron, I think it might be easier to talk if we just come up just the rest of the way.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, the elevator's been kooky since we lowered the floor... but maybe once you get that signature.

It might be kind of tricky.

They're all down in Orange County.

-Tough to get down there. -Oh, hey, B.

-Yeah. -We must have an office down there somewhere.

Yeah, we'll stick you someplace.

Yeah.

We'll stick you someplace.

NARRATOR: Michael was starting work

at his new show business office

-at Orange County Imagine. -Charles Dawkins.

And his office was already receiving a lot of visitors.

Don't get comfortable. Sir, thank you, no.

But mostly because of the sign's similarity

to that of this institution,

which also received some confused visitors.

An embolism?

I-I was just here to pitch a game show.

Go right out this way, sir, thank you.

-But can I leave a sample? -It's generous of you, but they're gonna be much better with it down there at Imaging.

And that's when Michael got his most unexpected visitor.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I wanted to speak to you in person.

I think that you're a little late, okay?

Because I went to you for a simple signature, not so I could just make a movie about the family, but so that I can move on with my life, and you told me to go to hell.

Yeah, you know, sometimes, when I'm caught off guard,

I say things I don't mean.

This is a horrible little office.

So you're here to apologize, is that right?

Yes, and I, uh, brought you a peace offering.

Tetas Gigantes?

You hate it, right?

Well, it's, it's Mexican porn.

You know, you are impossible to buy for.

Just, uh, give it to me.

-No, no, oh. -No, no, no, give...

-No, no, no. -See, this is the (bleep) kayak

-all over again. -Dad, I apologize.

I was saying it was a very original gift.

No, no, no. You'll never use it.

I will use it, except for maybe Señor Señoritas.

I live in Mexico now and I, I don't always know how to ask

-exactly for what I want. -Understandable.

And that's almost over now, which is what I came to talk to you about.

Do you know a guy named Herbert Love?

I know a lot of people, sure,

'cause I'm a big producer now.

-Yeah? -He ate a mouse.

Let's grab a coffee.

Okay, so I guess things haven't been going that well for me.

And you didn't feel you could tell me that?

That's why I haven't heard from you?

I guess I was afraid that if I admitted

Sudden Valley was a failure...

-Told you so. -...you might say, "I told you so."

Well, then, you don't know me at all.

It's all right, it's my fault. I bit off more than I could chew.

I mean, I lied about being a big shot to impress this girl whose name I don't even know.

I've got this crazy idea that I'm gonna turn into a star with a film that I can't get made 'cause I can't get my own father's signature on, on, on a release.

-It's like, you know... -Shh, shh, shh...

I didn't know it was about lying to a girl.

Give me the release.

You'd do this for me?

Of course I will.

NARRATOR: And so, with his father's rights in hand,

Michael the producer headed up

to find his lady "Cinderella Man"

at the Ealing Club,

an exclusive show business hangout.

Ron Howard.

Oh, thank you.

No, it's Michael Bluth. Hi.

Oh, I remember.

I did it.

I got my father's signature.

You know, you said you wanted to focus on the father-son relationship, and I love it.

Who's not going to be able to relate to a son standing up to his self-centered father?

Sure.

But the father-son relationship I was interested in was not you and your father, it was you and your son.

You're the father.

But that would make my son the son.

Bingo.

NARRATOR: Michael had to decide

whether being a producer was worth invading

the privacy of a son who had kicked him out for that reason.

I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can go...

I can't go to my son.

That's, uh-- I just-- I don't even think that it's worth it just to say that I'm a producer, like...

-It's your call. -Yeah.

Maybe the real estate business will come around soon.

Will it?

I could never reveal that information to a non-producer.

NARRATOR: And then he heard something

that made him change his mind.

Michael?

Mr. Moobie Producer.

That's me.

NARRATOR: And like all bagpipe music,

it was hard to tell if it was good music played horribly

or horrible music played well,

but Michael was eager to find out

her name when she was introduced

at the end of the set.

And tonight on bagpipes...

(goat bleats)

NARRATOR: - But he got to know her anyway. - Fantastic.

I'm only doing this in between movies, which, given how badly I bombed at that audition yesterday, it's going to be a while.

Yeah, you shouldn't worry about that, you're gonna get something. You know, sometimes even students make films.

(laughs)

Yeah, that's really funny.

I just could put your name in for something.

I do know Ron Howard.

(laughs)

Love that I make you laugh.

You seriously would be great for this part.

You remind me of the person that, that it's based on.

Uh, she, she actually dies on camera.

Wow.

Make her mentally challenged and I'll thank you in my Oscar speech.

There's a part like that, too, only she-she comes in later and she's British, so she doesn't seem...

No one could ever tell that she's disabled.

I haven't been in work mode for a while to be honest.

I've been, I've been raising my son.

Oh, you have a son? I have a son.

-You do? -Oh, yeah, we've got a little issue, though, right now.

Let me guess.

He's pushing you away?

-Yes. -My son practically kicked me out of his school the other day.

That is literally what my son did to me.

Then I said to him,

"You have no privacy from me."

That's what I should do.

Lem's six in August.

Yours?

-Seven in July. -Aw...

NARRATOR: Michael regretted the lie,

so he sort of split the difference.

Teen-- 17

-in July. -Oh.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Oh, wow.

Well, I guess you got to move on with your life sometime.

Yes.

Yes, you do.

Oh, n-no, you know what?

I don't think that this is-- it's not a good idea.

This is a great idea. Why don't you think this is

-a great idea? -'Cause people can see.

-Nobody can see. -Oh, God.

Wow, you weren't kidding when you said you had a part for me.

-That was absolutely insane. -Thanks.

-I've never done anything that crazy before.

-Perfect. -I want to do a lot more of that.

I want to see you again.

I want to take you out to a nice dinner.

-Oh. -So, then, uh...

Well, this will have to tide you over until then.

Oh, look at those.

Boy, without this, I wouldn't know you had a tattoo.

Oh, anyone that gets that much clothing off me better know my name.

(moans)

-Good night. -Good night.

NARRATOR: And that's when Michael finally saw her name.

Oh, my God.

I'm dating Ron Howard's girlfriend.

NARRATOR: Actually she's his daughter.

But that's kind of worse, don't you think?

Michael starts to really learn the business.

We can keep going around another 20 minutes, if you want, but I know what I'm talking about.

I just went through this last week with a guy.

That is a hernia.

I'm gonna send you to my guy over at Hoag Hospital.

They call him the Bulge Whisperer.

He does 20 of these a week.

NARRATOR: And after failing to get back to Burbank on time,

Andy calls in a favor

from his identical quintuplet brother Rocky.

All right, my next guest is a famous pilot who safely crashed his plane into the Hudson River.

That's kind of a coincidence, Andy.

We've got a pilot who crashes planes, and you're an actor who crashes pilots.

And Rocky hurts two nice red-haired guys' feelings...

Yeah, that's really funny.

You know what else would be funny?

If I ripped that red rug right off your head and turned you into Ron Howard.

...while getting the biggest laugh of Andy's career.