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Red Hairing

NARRATOR: Even though it was only a hundred miles

from her hometown of Newport Beach,

the desert created a whole new value system for Lindsay Bluth.

I'd give $20,000 for a lemonade right now.

For the most part.

It was here that she'd moved with her activist boyfriend...

Marky! Mommy needs mescaline!

...and his mother.

And tell your girlfriend DeBrie to shovel that ostrich crap!

It's not DeBrie, Ma Bark.

It's Lindsay.

I just cut off my hair.

I know who you are.

Now start shoveling!

God, you're lazier than Lindsay.

(sighs)

(gasps) Marky, hurry!

-There's another dead iguana. -Oh.

What does this mean?

Probably those bastards next door.

The bastards next door were actually a gathered group

of CEOs who were attending a mid-summer sweat and squeeze.

MARKY: They want us off their land.

Probably so they can build a border wall.

They just want to separate the whites from the browns.

You really are color-blind.

Face-blind.

Fortunately, I can see color.

That's how I can tell the browns are the Mexicans.

Anyway, I thought I scared those bastards off

by scaring their leader.

The strong will become the weak.

But I think I overdid it first on the maca, because I ended up

seeing two of him.

But to kill an innocent iguana, this beautiful creature of the desert...

-(hissing) -That lizard bastard bit me!

God!

Who keeps numbing these desert animals?

No, no, we'll kill it later.

Mom, lizard bite!

Put some rubbing mescaline on it!

NARRATOR: Lindsay hated her new life,

but even more, she hated herself

for hating her new life.

Marky, I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

I'm surrounded by squalor and death, and I still can't be happy.

Yeah, well, it's only gonna get worse,

'cause they're chasing us off the land.

I mean, where are we gonna go?

Hey, new girl, I just heard about your mother's trial.

She was sent away.

Lindsay had missed her own mother's trial,

and for that, she'd never be able to forgive her...

Hey, I know a place that just opened up.

...herself.

Now the story of a family

whose future was abruptly canceled,

and the one daughter who had no choice

but to keep her life together.

It's Lindsay's Arrested Development.

-Lindsay wanted to move -That's great.

to her mother's empty penthouse,

-but Marky wouldn't think -You dropped your shovel.

of leaving the old bird behind.

(clucking)

So it was a party of three

that had to sneak into the Balboa Towers.

Although Marky was having trouble

-accepting what appeared to be -Come on, Cindy.

a lavish lifestyle.

-What do you think? -Ugh.

Smells weird in here. What is that?

I think it's just... not urine.

And we're not moving in, we're occupying a space with central air.

(Cindy squawks)

Cindy?

You okay?

(chuckles): Look, Lindsay, Cindy already marked the master.

Okay.

This will be where she goes.

So we're staying.

And we will change the world and hold our heads high.

And it might be nice to live like normal people for a change.

Let's put some newspaper on these windows.

(clucking)

One year later, however,

the only thing they'd actually changed was

getting the "not urine" smell out of the penthouse.

(clucking)

You're looking at Lindsay.

Still Lindsay.

Oh. Hey, Linds.

-How was beg? -Beg was good.

I found some tres leches cake.

That's great.

Hey, did you clean up?

No, no, I just cleared out a space to work on the Love bomb.

Oh, okay. I'll, uh, change out of these filthy clothes and into some filthy lingerie.

I don't think I washed it.

No, I meant what we're gonna do to this guy-- Herbert Love.

Oh.

Herbert Love was a very conservative candidate

for a very conservative seat in the very conservative

-House of Representatives. -Look, look, look.

Am I guilty of anything? Yes.

Of having a great sense of humor.

But the two women who accused me of this crime

do not have a great sense of humor.

Look, in fact, I'll tell you the joke and let you be the judge...

Although he was prone to

the more than occasional harassment scandal.

I forgot the joke.

Oh, he's about to be harassed, all right.

I'm gonna spray the bastards with ink and glitter.

It'll be in their ears for weeks.

Thing is, I can't find the glitter anywhere.

Did you take the silver glitter?

Nope. I mean, I'd say check the junk drawer, but I can't differentiate anymore.

Oh, God, what is this?

Oh. Okay, good. Perfect timing, because this is where you come in.

A lot of this has to do with ink compression, oxygen capacity, expulsion pressures.

But the point is, three days before the event,

I'm gonna take the explosive and hide in the podium.

On the night of the event, at exactly 7:30,

I'm gonna pull the pin to the tank.

Then you're gonna (knocking) knock on the podium door to let me know that the coast is clear.

When Love steps up to the podium at exactly 8:00, blam!

The podium doors burst open, and he and everyone will be...

Blue in the face, yeah.

That's better than what I had, actually.

I was gonna say they'd be covered in ink and glitter.

Or we can support Lucille 2, who he's running against.

She's right across the hall.

No, no! She's part of the problem.

Wait, you haven't been going over there, by the way?

-No one can know we're here. -Of course not.

Does it look like I'm lying?

It did.

But not to a man with face-blindness.

Yeah, no, I guess not.

Because Lindsay could only spend

so many hours with a shrill, feathered creature...

(Lucille 2 squawks)

...and needed to get away.

You look marvelous in that!

Here, try this on.

I can't believe how much I've missed the feel of anything that isn't hemp.

And try this on.

Isn't that funny?

I used to wear that with the Captain.

And I was...

Tennille?

And not make contact, yes!

What am I gonna do, cut it down for my foster child?

That is what she wanted to do,

until he threatened to call Social Services.

Oh, look what I made you.

Oh! I love it!

It's glittery!

Lindsay was no stranger to making campaign posters,

having made several in her seventh grade

class president campaign against Sally Sitwell.

Sally ultimately proved successful

with a more fact-based campaign.

A couple of tiny notes, hon.

There are two S's in "congress."

And I just call myself Lucille...

Lucille 1. I'm so sorry.

No.

Just Lucille.

But I love it!

Oh, I wish you'd officially work for my campaign.

We could make such a difference.

Well, Marky says that's not the way we should make change.

Oh, speaking of, do you mind if I go through your couch cushions?

Oh, honey, I wish you'd take the rest of this tres leches cake.

It's from a dear Hispanic supporter.

And I'll never get it into the bay in one piece.

Honestly, Lucille 2, you've been like a mother to me.

Aw.

Except kind and loving and willing to let me eat.

It just blows me away.

Lindsay knew she had to keep

her secret life of luxury hidden...

You're looking at Lindsay.

Still Lindsay.

...from a boyfriend that was

preparing to squat in a podium

for three days with a paint bomb.

But, Marky, I mean, won't you go crazy in there?

Oh, no, that's nothing. I once did a week and a half in an oil drum just to throw a pie at Arnold Schwarzenegger. (chuckles)

I never heard about that.

Oh, yeah, well, the press tried to spin it as

"Hippie tries to play pie-tin Frisbee with the governor," but... this time, I'm eating beforehand.

Yeah, I-I see that.

Hey, can I get you a fork?

'Cause that's my brother whose face you're licking.

That's a face?

Everything I do is wrong.

-(sighs) -I knew you wouldn't be on board with this, Lindsay.

I'm sorry to say this, but you are losing your passion.

What passion? You don't even look at me.

I don't know if I've said this before-- it's not important or anything-- but I'm really, really pretty.

I'm the straightest guy you know!

Why does every man feel like they have to say that to me?

-(clucking) -Quiet! Cindy's in heat.

You know how much she hates it when we argue.

(whispering): Now listen to me. This protest of mine

-can really make a difference. -Yeah, it's gonna land you

-in jail, Marky. -Oh, there it is.

Oh, yeah, so that's-- oh, yeah.

You know what, you are just as selfish

-and money-hungry as you ever were. -No, I'm...

-Yes, you are. -That's not true.

Ooh, a Neiman's catalog.

But it was what she found stuck inside the catalog

that got her attention.

And that's when she found the mother lode.

"From Gangie 4: Facelift."

What a load of...

Mother.

And this time, she did make a court appearance.

Cheryl, you've got no backhand!

I'm working the whole court, and you keep hitting the balls (bleep) high.

Oh, great, looks like we've got another high-end hooker in here.

Oh, thank you, Mother.

LUCILLE: So, let's cut to the chase.

I want to talk to you about a check for plastic surgery.

I already wrote you a check for that.

NARRATOR: Lucille had, back when Lindsay thought

-she was only 12 years old. -New nose.

Worrying it would hurt her daughter's feelings...

Put a "Y" on there.

...she put a fun spin on it.

-"Nosy." -LUCILLE: And you should be

thanking me for that.

You looked like a can opener.

No, a check for my daughter.

She's gorgeous.

And I love her just the way she is.

When was the last time you saw her?

She's been living with her father the past year, and it's been... really hard.

I'll be out on parole by the time you work up a tear.

What makes you think I wrote a check to your daughter, nosy?

It came to the penthouse.

Well, well.

Little Miss Lives-Off-the-Land is living in my penthouse.

Okay, so you figured it out, Gene Parmesan.

Just goes to show, the apple does not far from the tree fall.

I am like you nothing.

You're not even my real mother.

I am a political activist.

Oh, you're a lot more like me than you know, sister.

Except I can back up my bad choices.

I'm doing hard time.

Your 3:00 p.m. hot rock massage is open.

Thanks for coming, sweetheart.

-Mm. -NARRATOR: But Lindsay wanted

to prove that she wasn't like her so-called mother.

(sighs)

And that's why she did this.

I'm in.

Let's bomb the bastard.

It's Lindsay.

Oh, yes! (laughs): Yeah!

NARRATOR: Lindsay and her boyfriend Marky arrived in--

get this-- Beverly Hills to prepare

for their act of glittery social protest.

But Lindsay was having second thoughts.

Marky, look, um,

I have this check that my mother wrote for my daughter.

It can buy us a lot of leaflets against Love.

And also a lot of Nature's Miracle.

You know, there's a huge sale going on right now at Petco...

No, never! Rip it up! No money!

And don't worry, I've thought of everything.

He had.

Except for someone to watch Cindy.

(laughs): Oh, but she's locked in.

What's the worst that can happen?

(screaming, squawking)

-Good luck. -Thanks.

Ah! What a great day to step out onto an over-irrigated golf course and play a game that wastes vast acres of usable, farm-able land.

And after a few nights in the trailer,

Lindsay showed up in Lucille 2's Tennille wig

to be ready to release Marky from the podium

at the appointed time,

and then stroll out together in disguise.

I think that's what this part refers to

back when the disguise was

going to be a two-part horse costume.

But soon, she ran into a father she hadn't seen in over a year.

Lindsay, I forgot, you dyed your hair.

Do you have any money?

And that's how Lindsay

parted with the check for Maeby

that Marky had told her to rip up.

And it was then she ran into a daughter...

Maeby.

...whose $50,000 check she'd just given away...

Mom.

...stealing some coconut shrimp.

Of course you're here.

I should've known you'd be

-supporting this right-wing, dangerous crackpot. -No, no.

I am here undercover with my boyfriend.

We are gonna take down Love with a random act of senseless nonviolence.

Maeby felt a foreign feeling.

I actually respect that.

-Thank you, Maeby. -Which is why,

for the first time in her adult life...

So what are you doing here?

...Maeby was totally honest with her mother.

I'm getting a lifetime achievement award for my work in the entertainment business.

I tried.

Tell your therapist I tried.

NARRATOR: But realizing she was still too early

to let Marky out of the podium,

Lindsay headed to the bar,

and that's when she met the man she was there to sabotage...

Is it just me, or are we the only two people who don't fit in with all these Orange County phonies?

(sighs)

...and had no idea who he was.

They are a bunch of phonies.

I usually don't even go to these things.

NARRATOR: And perhaps it was

because he reminded her so much

of Tobias when they first started dating,

but Lindsay flirted back.

What's your name, princess?

Cindy Featherbottom.

Of the Laguna Beach Featherbottoms?

Are you trying to find out where I live?

-And your favorite kind of jewelry. -(both laugh)

NARRATOR: Lindsay hadn't heard the word "jewelry"

in a long time but tried to stay strong.

How do I know you're not one of these phonies?

The only phony I'm interested in is your phony number.

NARRATOR: And like Cinderella at the ball,

Lindsay really felt like a princess for a change...

Okay.

...but also like Cinderella,

-she lost track of the time... -It's, uh, 714... -Mm-hmm.

(explosion)

(Marky screams)

-(Lindsay sighing) -...and had forgotten

to release Marky from the podium,

and that's when she was struck

-with an eerie sense... -Right this way, sir,

-right this way. -...of díjè vu.

Lindsay.

Oh, God, he blued himself.

NARRATOR: Lindsay's attempt to create a disaster

for Herbert Love was a complete disaster,

and as she tried to slip away without drawing attention

to herself, she was once again approached...

-Cindy Featherbottom. -...by the man whose name she never got.

Here's my private number.

Give me a call; perhaps we can engage

-in some sexual congress. -Although that's

a total giveaway, right?

What a wonderful sense of humor.

I'd like that very much.

Sir, the press awaits.

Now, I don't know what this nut was protesting tonight.

I thought you were supposed to be sticking it to the man, not the other way around.

Maeby.

You think he likes me that way?

No, Mom, that's Herbert Love, the man you're here to protest.

And I hear the guy with the bomb snuck up here from Mexico.

That's why I say, we have got to build a wall

-between us and Mexico. -Oh, no.

H-How could you not recognize him?

NARRATOR: In fairness to Lindsay, it was Marky's

face-blindness that led him to mistake this photo

for the candidate.

Why Lindsay failed to recognize

musical icon Nat King Cole cannot be explained.

But he's so modern looking.

I mean, obviously I didn't know it was the man whose politics I'm here to protest.

I guess I was just having fun, pretending I had my old life back.

Well, we'll just be friends, and I'm gonna keep it light and fun with him and not talk politics at all.

I can't believe you're such a sellout.

-(sighs) -Are you really going to whore yourself out like that?

-I am not a whore. -Yeah, you're a whore.

I am not a whore.

Look, I am still committed to my ideals and to my Marky.

MARKY: Lindsay!

Lindsay, Lindsay!

Well, you certainly have a type.

Lindsay? Have you seen a woman named Lindsay?

If you see a woman named Lindsay, tell her to bail me out.

(gravelly): I'll do my best, sir.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

(gravelly): Taxi.

Tell Lindsay to feed Cindy.

-She thinks she's... -(in normal voice): Taxi.

(elevator bell dings)

NARRATOR: Lindsay was as blue as one of her men

when she returned to the penthouse,

and that's when she decided to get half in the bag.

-But even though she felt bad. .. -(elevator bell dings)

...she was at least able to turn a man's head...

Gentlemen, start your engines.

...although, perhaps had his head not turned...

-Buster. -...he would have seen

-the ostrich warning on the door. -No, Gob.

-(ostrich screeches) -Oh!

NARRATOR: After another night

in the trailer, Lindsay went to the model home

to give a daughter who called her a whore

a piece of her mind.

Hi, sweetie.

Of course, she needed a place to stay, so she couldn't

-just jump right in. -I thought I'd surprise you with a visit.

Yeah, well, the bags are certainly a surprise.

You're not thinking of moving in, are you?

-What? No. -Yeah, because

I don't think Dad would be cool with it.

-No, of course not. -Yeah.

-Is he in? -No.

(sighs) Oh, what happened there?

Kids or people who like kids.

So, where's Marky?

God, Marky will be in jail for quite a while.

NARRATOR: She actually had just come from visiting him.

So it, uh, turns out the glitter was shrapnel grade.

They're upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

This is where you letting me out of the podium would have really helped.

Why didn't you just come out?

I couldn't do it; someone locked me in.

NARRATOR: In fact, it was Gob,

thinking he was trapping the magician Tony Wonder

into one of his illusions.

GOB: Hey, Mark, you guys want to see a real failed magician, you might want to get down to the Opies tonight.

It's going to be hysterical.

MARKY: I need you to bail me out, Lindsay.

-I need you to use that check. -Oh, I...

I don't have that check anymore.

-What? -You told me to rip it up.

I thought you said you didn't believe in money.

I didn't until I realized what it could keep me from.

Jail's a lot like Swappigans, except there's only one thing to swap.

It's scary.

-GUARD: Anus tart. -TOBIAS: Yep, that's me.

-MARKY: Oh, God, that could have been me.

Lindsay, listen to me-- I'm scared.

I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared.

-I'm really scared. -GUARD: No touching.

LINDSAY: Actually it's kind of nice to have a little me time.

Oh, of course, that's why you were giving Herbert Love a little you time last night.

You were flirting with him to get Marky out of jail.

Well, yeah, that is what I should have been do-- what I did, yeah, yeah.

That's exactly what I should have and did do.

And it's not that bad an idea, actually.

You could get him to do anything 'cause he's probably just one of those shallow guys who's only interested in looks.

I miss that.

Missed that.

Yeah, you know, maybe it would be a good idea if I got in touch with him.

I mean, he did give me his card.

Although I could never call him.

I could call him for you and I'll tell him it has to be tonight.

Well, the sooner the better.

Got to get Marky out of jail.

That's why the sooner the better.

NARRATOR: So Maeby arranged for a meeting

that evening at Hollywood's exclusive Ealing Club

between Herbert Love and Cindy Featherbottom.

I like this place.

No cameras, no phones.

Everyone's cool.

Well, thank you for being willing to meet.

Meet, greet.

Sure are sweet.

What a treat.

What did the lamb say?

Baa?

Bleat.

Ah, yes, of course.

I was just wondering, is anything really bad going to happen to that blue guy from the rally?

Do you want to press charges?

Who can think of Little Boy Blue

-when I've got this beautiful face in front of me? -Oh.

Thanks, haven't heard that in a long time.

Your cheekbones are even higher than my approval rating.

Your brain can register my cheekbones?

I'll register 'em to vote.

-(laughs) -Your lips arelike a Murphy bed.

They don't take up much space, but they are there when you need 'em.

Okay, you are a poet.

You're wonderful.

But, um, yeah, I-I do want to talk to you about a couple of issues.

Can we just have one night where we don't talk about politics?

Yes, yes, just one night.

-We deserve it. -Let's get a room.

Yes-- no.

What?

Uh, I... okay.

We can talk in a room, I guess.

(elevator bell dings)

NARRATOR: And later, down in the lobby, as Herbert

went off to do some business...

You hang tight.

I'm going to meet with some of my, uh, "constititutes."

...Lindsay ran into her brother Michael.

-Hi-lo. -Michael?

Hi.

-How are you? -Oh, good, good.

I almost didn't recognize you.

-It's my hair. -That's some of it, but it's also, you're with a guy that pretty much represents everything you pretend to hate.

-Was that Herbert Love? -Great, now I remember why we fell out of touch.

No, Lindsay, I'm kidding, kidding, kidding, I'm so sorry.

I'm sure that you're having a great influence on him, you know.

(chuckling): Thanks.

But if you really want to blow him-- away, you know the wall issue that everyone is talking about?

The wall between Mexico and the U.S.?

Tell him to take it down?

Or just not to put it up. No wall yet.

Oh, no, there's no-- I knew that, yeah.

If you could get him against the wall, Lindsay...

Well, I had no idea you were this socially conscious.

NARRATOR: He wasn't.

In fact, he was just using her Love connection

to make good on a deal he'd struck

to get his father's movie rights.

Can you help me, then, with Love?

Of course I will.

If you do something for me.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I would like to use your membership at the Balboa Club.

The girl I've been telling you about-- she likes nice things, and if everything goes well tonight,

I think I may want to take her out for a nice dinner.

You really like this girl?

-She's Tracey. -Oh.

Fat Tracey or thin Tracey at the end?

I think, just on this, you owe me the membership.

You know, we're kind of maxed out at the club, but if you show them my card,

I'm sure they won't turn you away at the door.

You'd do this for me?

I will if you...

-Yeah, sure, fine. -Yeah?

Yeah, I'll talk to him about the wall.

-Good. -I mean, I want to change politics.

-Great. -What's in it for me?

So not completely change them?

(chuckles) What do you want?

Well, actually

I want you to talk to that warden guy about getting my boyfriend out

'cause I really don't think Herbert's gonna help with that.

Well, I have a script notes call with him on Tuesday.

-Yeah, I'll talk to WardenGentles. -Great, thank you.

This is good.

-Of course. -Glad we ran into each other.

If you do something for me.

I'm making this movie and I need everybody's rights.

NARRATOR: And that's how Lindsay agreed

-to give Michael her rights forhis movie. - I'll do it. -Great.

Thanks.

That's it.

NARRATOR: But it shouldn't have been

because he should have asked for help getting into a club

he was about to discover was members only.

-This is a membership place, huh? -It is,

-yes, members only. -Yeah,I'm meeting my son up there.

Maybe he's already up there. Could you maybe page him

-up there? -And when the page proved fruitless...

If you'd like to have a seat and wait...

You're gonna make me look like a big shot in front of my son.

Michael decided to head George Michael off

before he could get to the club's lobby with a small lie.

Hey, buddy, it's Dad.

Um, I am having real trouble getting up there.

Uh, this traffic is unbelievable.

NARRATOR: Which led to a slightly bigger lie...

We got a light aircraft right in the middle of the freeway. You know?

-...and then some effort to make it foolproof.

Um, and, uh, the kicker is that there's no news crew.

I mean, I guess they can't get in either 'cause of the traffic, so no one's going to be able to see this.

NARRATOR: But perhaps,

had Michael not have lied,

he wouldn't have felt suspicious when, moments later,

-he received a return call from his son... -You know what?

I bet we're sitting in the exact same traffic. This is a mess.

...canceling the get-together entirely.

Oh, God, they're forcing us off. Oh, they're closing the lanes.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in Herbert's hotel room,

Lindsay was worried she was

too quickly abandoning her principles.

Wait... I can't do this unless you promise to be against the wall.

What the hell?

It's better for my back anyway.

Thank you.

That was so not quick.

(chuckles)

Well, I paid for six hours.

I want to get my money's worth.

Imagine what would have happened if you had the room for the whole night.

Oh, I got it for the whole month.

You crack me up.

God, can you believe this is happening?

I mean, we're such opposites and yet we're so in synch.

-It's like we finish each other's... -Sandwiches?

What's the point of raising funds if I'm eating sandwiches?

-(murmurs) -I got something for you.

(chuckling): Oh, really?

(gasping)

NARRATOR: And perhaps it was the heart that made her wonder

if Herbert was the Love the Four Seasons shaman spoke of.

When love is near, your heart will be happy.

HERBERT: This way you'll always have a little Love near your heart.

(mystical chanting)

-Aah, Jesus Christ! -Oh!

-I'm sorry. -Why would you do that?

No, I thought it was cute, I saw it in a movie.

-Okay? -Okay, okay, great, thank you.

Oh, I feel so special.

You are special.

NARRATOR: Lindsay wasn't special,

but he'd gotten the necklaces on special.

LINDSAY: So, when can I see you

-again? -The only way we can see each other is if you work for my campaign.

You are going to be my key advisor.

NARRATOR: She would be enacting social change after all.

I would like that very much.

(Herbert chuckles)

She's going to need a key to my room, and I'd advise you to use it when I call you.

NARRATOR: Since Herbert couldn't officially spend money

on Lindsay, and Lindsay hadn't told Herbert

-who she really was... -Uh, why don't you go

-make the rounds, and, uh, I'll get us checked in. -Okay.

...Lindsay had to pay for dinner

-the way she always had... -Uh, Bluth.

-I made a reservation. -...by secretly putting it

-on her family tab. -Hi-lo. Nice to meet you.

Oh, I'm sorry, the Bluths have been seated.

But she wasn't the only Bluth

pretending to be something they weren't that night.

Who's the cheap redhead?

Well, hello.

Hello.

Indeed.

Look at you. What are you doing here?

I need the membership. I'm taking my boss out to dinner.

It's too late. I already made a deal with Dad for it.

This is why I had to ask you for the in with Herbert Love.

Exactly, and that's why you are leaving, and I'm going to stay because I'm the one who did the favor.

I got Love against the wall. Plus I've got to impress him.

He's making me part of his campaign.

I'm sorry, there seems to have been a mix-up.

-A merry one. -Oh.

A merry one. I already paid you back for the favor when

I talked to the warden about getting Marky out of prison.

LINDSAY: Oh, God, not now.

-When? -I don't know, but listen.

I haven't been on a date in a very, very long time, and she's already going out with Ron Howard so I need to impress her.

Actually, it was Ron's daughter,

but Michael still didn't know that.

Great to see you. And you look so good.

So do you. I do hate the campaign, okay, but I'm changing him.

I'm his key advisor.

Although without an office,

she was forced to advise him in the back of his limo.

And soon she was advising him all over town.

LINDSAY: And he respect me for it.

He respects me for who I am.

So does mine. Listen, we'll share it, okay?

-Okay. -Got it? Great.

Oh! My name is Cindy Featherbottom.

Right. Oh, and I-I used to be a real estate tycoon, now I'm an impressive producer. Got it?

-Got it. -Eat light.

This is my date. This is Rebel Alley.

Oh, and my boss, Herbert Love.

-Hi-lo. -Hi-lo?

Just like your plan to hurt the poor.

I thought that was about neglecting the poor.

I guess the special tonight is red snapper.

How do you know this woman?

Uh, she is... um...

-I just, I mean... -(Lindsay laughs)

-High school. -Brother and sister.

We can't be brother-sister-- she knows about the family.

-We don't. -Just met.

Yeah, so, but let's eat.

NARRATOR: And that's how Lindsay found herself

on a very awkward double date with her brother.

Is everybody's food as delicious as my side salad?

And a couple of glasses of white wine in,

Rebel started to espouse her liberal agenda.

It's just a little hard to sit two feet away from someone who doesn't believe in paying for a woman's contraception.

Well, to be fair, no, he does pay for the room.

Is there anything better than the great American scallop?

Look how he changes the subject.

Aren't you glad your teenager's not here to see this?

You have a teenager?

I'm a movie prod...

Movie producer.

Producing a movie right now-- Rebel's in it

-for Imagine Entertainment. -Oh!

Is that Ron Howard's company?

-Uh, yeah. -Yes.

I don't want to be the one to say it, but I hate that guy.

He's just another Hollywood liberal big shot.

Oh. There are a lot of those Ron Howards out there that do abuse their power, but I will tell you, sir, that I do not do that.

Well, don't you have to have power to abuse the power?

Um, I am not going to sit here and defend Ron Howard to someone who's never achieved half of what he's achieved.

Are you saying that to him or to me?

I forgot how touchy these Hollywood people can be.

Oh, I'm not. I'm not. Are you saying that I am?

Maybe Ron Howard is, but I-I mean, I don't know.

But I'm not. And I am also not one of those Beverly Hills billionaires who can't go two minutes without putting his phone to his...

I got to take this. Hold on one second. Hello?

Hey, George Michael. You stuck in traffic, pal?

No, I just feel terrible that we couldn't get together the other night and, uh, I miss you, you know.

But I'm free all night if you wanted...

-Well... listen, I-I...

I'm in the middle of a film meeting...

But Michael was still stinging over his son not making it to the Ealing Club...

I've got these people in politics involved and I just...

You know, I can't get away this time, you know. Maybe...

...even though Michael had lied to him about it first.

You know, just, I'm a super busy guy.

So...

I can't believe that a woman would support this guy.

...Lindsay found herself torn...

And I assume by being with him, you just parrot his values.

-...between who she was with... -I don't appreciate you saying that, okay?

I have my own values, Rebel, and believe it or not, they're closer to yours than you think.

...and who she wanted to be.

'Cause I do appreciate you saying that.

But what do I know? I'm just some shallow Hollywood...

Oh, God, I've got to get this.

It could be my agent. Hello?

HERBERT: Now that is one redhead

I do not want to have sexual relations with.

(laughing)

-Well... -So... are we having dessert?

-No. -No. Uh-uh.

Well, I don't want to be the one to say it, but if we are not going to have dessert,

-then I think I am going to leave. -Oh, no.

But-but we're going to discuss those new positions tonight.

Wasn't that the plan?

I think the best position for me to be in tonight is with my wife, and tomorrow I'm taking my wife and children to see the beautiful American ocean.

(diners applauding)

Lindsay started rethinking her new life and that's when

she ran into the man from her old one.

-Marky? -Lindsay?

-Oh, Lindsay. -Marky.

I did it. I beat the system.

I got out my way.

I thought my brother asked Warden Gentles

-to get you out. -No, I mean from the Dumpster.

You wouldn't believe the scallops they're throwing away here, but I got out of that Dumpster my way.

I've really missed you.

Yeah, I missed you, too.

I feel like I really lost my way for a while.

Me, too. It's almost like maybe we shouldn't skip town after this next one.

Next one? Another paint bomb?

No, a real one.

On the Cinco de Cuatro, Love's boat is going to...

-Sink-o. -...go into the... Yes, sink-o.

See, the coast guard is going to be busy that night, so after it's done, we slip away and make our way down to Mexico and reunite with Mom.

I just have to find a boat that won't get chorizo

-caught in the propeller. -Lindsay was torn.

Her head was with Marky...

but it was Love who was close to her heart.

So the next night at Cinco, she felt she had no choice

-but to betray one -Herbert.

-to protect the other. -Hi. Um, listen.

I'm here undercover because I have some inside information that you really need to know about.

But as it turned out, Herbert had

some undercover information for her, too.

I cannot be under the covers with you anymore.

It's over between us.

My wife found out and I told her there was nothing emotional, that you were just a prostitute.

-I'm not a prostitute. -Oh, I know, I know.

The point is, we are through.

Here's a little severance package for servicing my package.

Lindsay tried to throw the money in his face,

but she didn't have the muscle memory for it.

-She's keeping it. -Oh, good.

And don't forget to vote.

This isn't over.

I'm not some taco you can throw into the bay.

(grunts)

-Lindsay wanted to get back -I can't do this.

at Love...

but not by blowing him up

and heading to Mexico to be with Marky's awful mother.

And that's when she ran into her own awful mother.

Mom. What are you doing here?

Lindsay. I thought you were a hooker.

-Again. -It's a wig.

No one recognizes me in it.

Oh, I recognized you.

Let me rephrase that more kindly.

I hear you're hooking now with Herbert Love.

-It's called hooking up. -Oh.

And, yeah, I got a little sidetracked, but I know who I am now.

I'm back to being severely liberal.

Well, like I said, the one time you were nice enough to visit me, you are who you are-- a blonde, waspy Orange County princess who doesn't care about anything but herself and that's okay.

Ah, sarcasm.

No, I'm a Bluth and so are you.

You really know how to twist the knife.

But you are right about one thing.

Lindsay was done pretending to be red.

I don't need this anymore.

And she decided the best way to get back

at her mother and Herbert Love

was by working for their mutual rival.

Lucille 2. I've got great news.

I'm finally available to become your campaign manager.

Oh, that's lovely, dear.

But I found someone more qualified than you.

Hello, Lindsay.

Sally.

It was Sally Sitwell, a woman

who'd long been Lindsay's rival.

-It's been a while. -Mm.

How is she more qualified than me?

She has integrity.

And look at this hair.

Look at this beautiful, long hair.

I made you a banner.

Look, I can really help this campaign.

You already have, more than you know.

-Now, give her a littlshow-and-tell. -Mm.

Show-and-tell?

Oh, she just means these photos of Herbert Love with a mystery redhead he's cheating on his wife with.

Who took these?

The first two were taken by the security camera in the Albertsons parking lot.

And the third was left in the photo booth at the Ealing Club.

-God, that was a photo booth? -Mm-hmm.

No one can know about this.

Oh, I'm afraid they're going to.

Lucille has copies-- she wants to go viral with this.

Herbert Love with his hooker?

She'll win for sure.

I can't let her do that.

I don't think you can stop her.

Anyway, it was so great running into you again.

-Mwah! -Lindsay was horrified

that the world would view her

-as Love's prostitute. -Vote for Love. Vote for Love.

And then Lindsay ran into someone else

-who was looking for Love. -David. -Who are you?

I'm Cindy Featherbottom.

I've been looking for you.

Love's gone missing and I've got to find someone to jump onto that stage and to show everyone here that we are the party that has complete con-con...

Complete con-con-con...

-con-con... Complete... -...trol?

Giant. ...trol.

And that's when Lindsay found an opportunity...

-I'll do it. -to put a spin on the looming

-photos scandal. -Oh, my God, thank you, thank you.

And I'm so sorry about that giant crack earlier.

Okay, raise the mics, everybody! New speaker!

So, like many before her,

Lindsay would accuse Herbert Love...

Can I have everyone's attention?

...of sexual harassment.

I am Herbert Love's "key advisor."

(crowd cheering)

Uh, thank you, but...

But first she had to turn his supporters against him.

Listen, I have a few things I'd like to tell you about Herbert Love.

Love wants to put up a wall.

-(cheering) -No, no.

I mean, not just any wall.

A wall to keep out the Mexicans.

(cheering)

Oh, wow, what a great crowd, uh...

And that's when the blowback began.

-Checkmate! -(angry shouting)

-(crowd cheering) -But no, you don't understand.

He wants to separate...

Oh! (screams)

-Viva Mongolia. -That's my necklace.

(angry shouting, clattering)

What-what's going on?

The marauders, lady, a bunch of young Mexicans-- they're taking over Cinco de Cuatro.

They don't find it funny anymore.

But that was my necklace. I mean... God.

They don't belong here, we belong here.

(cheering)

I mean, someone should put up a wall.

But that's when Lindsay found herself

-saying this... -Yeah.

We should put up a wall.

-Put up this wall. -(cheering)

Put... up... this wall.

ALL (chanting): Put up this wall!

...which was originally her mother's idea.

Although it was horrible news for her father.

-Put up this wall! -And that's when Lindsay

found out who she really was.

My name is Lindsay Bluth, and this is who I am.

A Bluth,

-She's a game changer. -just like her mother.

(crowd cheering)

Herbert Love is discovered in a coma.

They think it happened during the blowback.

They found him behind the Kick a Goat.

The doctors say he may come out of it in a week to ten years.

So I have one question for you.

-Would you consider... -Yes.

-Would you consider... -Yes.

-Would you consider... -Yes.

Would you consider running in his place?

-Yes. -Fantastic.

Sweetheart, could you work his thumb?

And she even gets Herbert's endorsement.

And Annyong tries to stick

the Bluth family for a tomato juice

that costs him $700

and ultimately his freedom.

Good-bye, Annyong.