Home > Arrested Development

Smashed

NARRATOR: The Austerity Clinic was a well-known rehab facility

that, on this particular day,

was about to get a new therapist.

Hello, everyone, I am Dr. Tobias Funke and I will be your therapist.

(officers clear throats)

Yes, I'm getting to that.

And I am also a registered sex offender.

Now, let's have a wrap-about.

(sighs)

I am here because...

Lucille Austero has given me the opportunity to pay my debt to society.

-I'm doing this pro bono... -NARRATOR: Although technically

it was society that owed him, as he was the victim

of a merry mix-up.

Is there a little girl here all by herself?

Daddy needs to get his rocks...

NARRATOR: We don't have to hear this again,

but he was arrested despite his innocence.

Oh, hey, Officers, are you here for the raccoon?

Oh, no, I'm not a raccoon, I'm...

NARRATOR AND BEARD: Because, instead

of asking for a lawyer...

BEARD: ...this creep chose to ask

about a more pressing matter.

Oh, is this going to be SAG or AFTRA?

NARRATOR: And for the first time,

Tobias started to get recognized

for his television work.

Oh, no, no, that's not representative of who I am.

-Anus tart. -Yep, that's me.

NARRATOR: Fortunately Tobias, who had once

turned down an offer from Lucille 2...

-How would you like to come work for me at Austerity? -Hmm... no.

-Hmm... -...had, after a particularly vicious beating

with a soup ladle, changed his tune...

but didn't want to look too eager.

Yes.

I'm also an analyst and a therapist, which makes me...

Prison had taught Tobias at least one thing...

...a theralyst.

(sighs) Now, let's have a wrap-about, and what we'll do is just take a comfy pose.

I want everybody just to sit back and relax where they are and let's learn about each other and let's find out about each...

Oh, my goodness.

Wow, well, uh, it seems as if we are amongst royalty here.

(laughs)

I-I'm sorry, how old are you?

-23. -Ah, well within my rights.

Yes, why don't you, uh, take the comfortable chair?

And, um, and we're going to start with you, and, please, first names only.

Hi, I'm Mark.

Mark Cherry-- we all know that-- but, please, first names only.

Mark is my first name, Cherry is my last name.

Oh, and Simon says you're out.

No, no, Mark Cherry, I was, I was having fun.

I, I have a bit of a wit.

Sometimes I have to tell people 'cause they can't figure it out from when I say the things that I...

But, please, Mr. Cherry, first names only.

So I got involved with drugs, and there were bees and drinking and...

I just decided it was time to get away. In fact...

ALL: ♪ Go away, Getaway, get away, Getaway. ♪

All right, all right, all right.

We're not doing a musical here.

MARK: Thank you.

♪ Hopelessly hopeless. ♪

(chuckles)

And speaking of hopeless, I think we all recognize this gentleman.

(humming "Johnny's Theme" from The Tonight Show)

I'm not Andy (bleep)ing Richter.

I'm Emmett.

NARRATOR: Although he was Andy's identical quintuplet brother.

Unfortunately he wouldn't allow us to show his face.

-Emmett who? -Richter.

Simon says you're out.

No, I was being witty.

What-What's wrong with you?

I hoard.

Now, that's what we call a breakthrough.

That wasn't a breakthrough.

And that's when a patient entered who was also looking

-for a new start. -First sign of a breakthrough...

Sorry I'm late, everybody.

-DeBrie! -And found one.

-Tobias. -I-I didn't know if I'd ever see you again.

-Y-You look great, very, very healthy. -Yeah.

I haven't had anything for six weeks.

Mark C., uh, checked me in.

-It's Mark Cherry. -I know.

After a devastating night of hard partying in Malibu...

(indistinct chatter)

(bees buzzing)

(DeBrie screaming)

MARK: She reminds me of my grandma, like a, a real sick version.

So sweet.

So how are you?

Good, gosh, great, yes.

Uh, after you left, I, I booked a guesty on a hidden camera show.

-(clears throat) -Could you give me one second to organically get...?

And I'm also a registered sex offender.

-How are you? -Aw-- oh.

So you two know each other?

Yes, we do.

We, we were a couple of sorts, uh...

Or are, are a couple?

Or-- I...

Do you have time for a chat?

-Uh, yes. -NARRATOR: And that's when Argyle Austero,

the director of the clinic,

could no longer hold his tongue.

If you and DeBrie had a previous relationship, there is no way you can be her therapist.

But I love her.

Surely there must be some way we can be together.

I'm sorry, I can't allow it.

Sobriety is too important.

I am only sober because musical theater saved my life.

-Is that right? -Mm-hmm.

I-I'm somewhat of an actor myself.

I just had something on the air three weeks ago.

It was an "as myself," but whatever fills out the reel, yes?

♪ Hot cops, we'll clean up the town... ♪

I ain't no squealer.

ANNOUNCER: He escaped to the country.

-Carl Weathers. -Mr. Weathers-- Carl Weathers.

♪ You know we'll get down on our knees ♪

♪ We're taking on the bad guys... ♪

I got here soon as I could.

I'm Dr. House, and it's called GVH.

The graft is rejecting the host.

-♪ Just give us a squeeze ♪ -(grunts)

♪ Hot cops. ♪

You know, we could put on a musical.

This place is littered with talent.

I could direct, we could get Mark Cherry to do the music, and we can cast it with patients.

NARRATOR: It was a desperate attempt

to get to be with the woman he loved,

but Argyle had a professional responsibility.

I don't know if I'd want to risk a patient's sobriety with that kind of pressure.

NARRATOR: But like a dog's wagging tail,

Argyle's tapping feet betrayed his true feelings.

Well, when it comes to DeBrie, you don't have to worry about her being under pressure because she's a professional actress.

NARRATOR: Which also made its way onto Tobias' reel

for some reason.

♪ Hot cops. ♪

She was in the movie The Fantastic Four.

Oh, my God.

I was in The Fantasticks.

-Well... -(stammers)

-(both laughing) -Look at that.

My sister and I played the young lovers.

♪ I can see it ♪

-♪ Shining somewhere ♪ -♪ Shining somehow-- where ♪

-♪ And I'm ready, I can see it... ♪ -♪ Ready-- can see... ♪

NARRATOR: It was uncanny how much the two men had in common.

They used to call me Mr. Fantastic.

♪ Mr. F. ♪

Wait a minute,

DeBrie played Sue Storm, you played Mr. Fantastic.

I have a suit made of rocks if I can get it back from the State of California.

We shall mount a musical of The Fantastic Four.

I don't like it... I love it.

-Huzzah! -♪ I... ♪

-♪ I can hear it ♪ -♪ I can hear-- sing it while-- yes? ♪

NARRATOR: Now the story of a family

whose future was abruptly canceled

and the one son-in-law who had no choice

but to keep himself together.

It's Tobias' Arrested Development.

Tobias had found a way to spend time with the woman he loved.

Please, DeBrie, you've got to do this.

NARRATOR: Now he just had to talk her into it.

I mean, this could be good for you and it could be a huge hit and it's really the only way they're gonna keep us together.

They won't let me be your therapist, but they'll let me be your director.

I want the world to be able to see this angel face.

-Oh. -Oh, oh, dear.

Well, that's a good luck sign on Broadway.

On the East Coast it's "break a leg," on the West Coast it's

-"lose a tooth." -And so, excited that he'd found a way

-to both be with DeBrie... -Let's get you some epoxy.

-...and help her recovery, Tobias went... -Beard!

...to Sudden Valley.

Beard, I'm only here to pick up my car keys.

GOB: Tobias?

Gob?

(Gob grunts)

Good to see you, old friend.

What have you been up to?

Oh, uh, things are good, nothing much.

I'm a registered sex offender,

-but things are good. -Yes, yes.

And I'm working at Lucille 2's rehab center-- the one she owns, not the one she famously went to 12 times.

Can we finish this up over breakfast? I'm starving.

Oh, is it finishing? Okay.

And the two friends caught up.

But if I wouldn't have gotten arrested, I wouldn't have ended up working at the rehab and I wouldn't have reconnected with my love.

True, I can't ethically ravage her body.

I have to leave that to time, but she's just so much fun to be with.

I too am in a relationship, but this person is sort of a celebrity.

Well, turns out my femme fatale is a bit of a celebrity herself.

Well, looks like life is going pretty well for both of us, except that I'm broke.

And I'm a sex offender.

Michael expects me to sell these split-level death traps.

And how am I supposed to do that?

I mean, there are no schools or libraries or Internet or playgrounds within 20 miles of here.

You know, it's funny, I've been looking for a place to live, and that fills virtually every parole requirement I have.

That's great.

When can you move in?

Uh, duh. Now.

And with his living arrangements taken care of,

Tobias returned to his court-appointed work-release.

One, two, three, four, five...

And so began an intense workshop to create

the Fantastic Four musical, written and directed by Tobias.

Now, the script is in process, but the goal is that we all get a little outing on the Cinco de Cuatro, where we'll be performing it on a boat.

I hope no one gets seasick.

Okay. And Mark Cherry is going to be doing the music for us.

And this will make my stay shorter, right?

I'll get out of here a week sooner?

Well, sobriety is the most important thing, but we'll see how good the music is.

Tobias inspired the troops.

All right, let's get up!

And after some initial trepidation,

Argyle set to work with the choreography.

-Back, step. -(shoes tapping)

Out, back, step, back, step.

Out-- now, try that.

Out, back, step, shuffle...

And even though DeBrie had some trouble

with the choreography at first...

-...shuffle, step. -DeBrie! -DeBrie!

-Oh, God. -Are you all right?

-Yeah, yeah. -Baby steps, Argyle.

She's brittle.

Tobias, it does not get babier than this.

-Maybe I can't do this. -You can do it.

Tobias, I can do it. I used to be a hoofer.

(chuckles) Well, now you're a huffer...

If dancing wasn't her strength, Tobias had no doubt

she'd wow them with her showstopping solo.

♪ I don't want to be invisible ♪

♪ I don't want to be invisible anymore... ♪

(laughs): Okay, good.

Well, get out there.

All right.

Okay-- oh, I like this, too.

I-- oh, where's Argyle? She's choreographing.

Let's all do it, too.

And we'll just follow her lead.

When she comes up, we come up as a group.

So, DeBrie, when you come up,

-we shall rise with you. -(DeBrie groaning loudly)

(others groaning loudly)

Go with her! Go!

Follow her! Follow her!

Go!

Am I crazy, or is this really good?

♪ I'm gonna stomp all over your face ♪

♪ Even if my heart won't snap back into place ♪

♪ I'm gonna stomp all over your face ♪

♪ Even though my heart won't snap back into place ♪

♪ Fantastic Four. ♪

(groans)

I can't do it.

It's good, it's great. No, you're great.

The problem is with you.

See, you keep writing this infantile, ridiculous melody over and over and over again.

And I... I say that as your director.

As your therapist, I'm-I'm happy that you're expressing yourself.

But as a director, I don't have to like it.

And I don't.

But, also, good for you.

Therapist now speaking.

But, also, no.

And as the music evolved,

-so did DeBrie's confidence. -(group singing)

Tobias, I just do this now.

-Just... -♪ Ooh, baby... ♪

One, one move.

Let's work with that. Let's use that.

-Or no move. -Good. The-the power.

And she's disappearing as we dance.

♪ Ooh, baby. ♪

And a big finish right to her!

(music ends)

Tobias, it's bleeding again.

(music resumes)

And with the evidence tag

off the rock monster suit,

the project was coming halfway to life.

-♪ Fantastic Three ♪ -♪ Fantastic Three ♪

♪ Fantastic Four. ♪

(music ends)

Am I crazy, or is this good?

It's really good.

And then Tobias asked the question

that nobody was thinking.

How much would it cost to do this right?

I mean, really right.

To do a Broadway-level production of the eight minutes we have right now?

Ballpark.

$700,000.

(whistles)

Hey! I can whistle.

Ooh, we have to use that in the show.

Now what if, say, I could raise between $50 and $100?

How much of the remainder could you generate?

Well, if my sister could call in some debts, probably all of it.

-Oh. -But that means we'd have to use the Cinco show as a preview, and she would want to know that we have the rights.

Of course, of course.

Wait a minute. We don't have the rights?

-Well, not yet. -(others murmuring)

Not yet, but I was going to ask you about that.

Who produced the one you were in?

Uh, I think it's Imagine Generic.

Ron Howard's company.

Imagine Generic was a division set up

to extend the rights to films that studios weren't

prepared to make yet.

I just hope the three of us make it back.

Three of us?

Houston, we're having a baby.

DeBRIE: I don't want to get arrested again because we don't have the rights.

-(others murmuring) -Okay, no, all right.

No, no! All right. Settle down.

Settle down. This has happened to every Broadway show in the history of Broadway shows.

And I swear I shall acquire the rights.

NARRATOR: So Tobias went to do so,

as Argyle set a dinner date with his sister

at the Balboa Club...

-Imagine Entertainment. -Oh!

...on the same night that Michael's date, Rebel,

was finding her father's character under attack.

...uh, Ron is not like that at all.

Of course, Michael thought Ron was Rebel's boyfriend.

In fact, he's almost too generous.

Sounds like the Ron Howard

Man of the Year Awards, though, you know?

And the evening broke up

of its own accord.

-My son is sick, so... -Oh, no.

I have to go.

Rebel.

Rebel, let me come. I'm great with kids.

It's not about the kid.

I'm not comfortable here.

Okay. Are you off to see him?

Listen, if you've got a problem with me seeing other people, why don't you just come out and say it?

No, no, no, I can.

What do you mean? I can handle that.

We'll see each other a la carte, you know?

Like the $18 baked potato you ordered that you didn't touch.

Yeah, you're not comfortable.

Yeah, no, well, listen.

Rebel, Rebel.

Fine. See you later.

Say hi to Ron Howard for me.

And perhaps because neither Michael nor Lindsay

could handle rejection, they blamed each other.

Well, hope you're happy. My girlfriend left,

'cause she can't stand your right-wing

American scallop-eating boyfriend.

Well, he left because your chirpy little actress

-couldn't keep her mouth shut. -That's it.

Know what? You're out of the movie.

Fine.

-Good night. -Good night.

And with his evening freed up, Michael reached out to a son

-he'd earlier blown off. -Good night.

George Michael, hey.

Got out of it.

I just-- I made a ton of people angry, but you know what I always say: family...

GEORGE MICHAEL: Well, ah, gosh, you know, I really wanted to, uh, do that, but I just had this work thing come up.

And, uh, it's like you always say: family first, unless there's a work thing, and then work first.

I have said that, too.

Well, I've got politics and producing stuff I can...

After being kicked out of his son's dorm

and stood up at the Ealing Club,

this particular rejection really hurt.

Another time.

But he tried to put on a brave face

when he ran into a woman he was in debt to.

-Who is this? -Oh, this is my baby brother, Argyle.

And here's the family joke:

I'm a tall drink of water, and he's the chaser.

(both laugh)

Should be flipped, right?

No, because here's another joke: you owe my sister

$700,000, and I'm going to chase you down until you pay up.

And if you don't pay up by the fourth, you're gonna be washing up with the rest of the broken piñatas on the fifth.

WOMAN: Lucille!

Oh, hello.

Who's-- ow, ow!

God, what is on the bottom of those shoes?

Taps.

And I can tap dance all over your face, if you know what I mean.

Even if my heart won't

-snap back into place. -(snaps fingers)

I don't know what you meant with the last part there.

I'll chase you down and find you, Michael.

You can't hide in a gorilla suit from me.

(tapping shoes rhythmically)

♪ Mr. F. ♪

Argyle was wrong on that count.

It was Buster who wore the gorilla suit.

ARGYLE: He's a producer, and he says he'll pay up.

Any progress on the rights?

I'm in talks with Imagine.

NARRATOR: Well, kinda.

(phone ringing)

LOUISA: Ron Howard's office.

TOBIAS: Yes, this is Tobias Funke.

I'm a registered sex offender,

-and I'd like to talk to Ron... -(dial tone)

Well, then you're gonna have to work with our new patient, and good luck with her.

We call her the "B" word from the "C" ward.

Or is it the "C" word from the "B" ward?

(knocks)

NARRATOR: And that's when Tobias got some more bad news.

Hello, anus tart.

And she never even saw the license plate.

NARRATOR: Tobias had no way of being around DeBrie

without the rights to Fantastic Four.

And that's when he ran into an equally worried Michael.

You okay?

Michael. (chuckles)

What a pleasant surprise.

Please, make yourself at home.

I am. I'm home.

This is my-- I own all the homes here, actually.

And Gob's supposed to be selling these, so...

Where is he? Do you know?

Oh, out and about.

Me doth think he hath a lady.

-As doth I dooth. -Oh.

And they're both bit of, uh, celebrities.

Well, that is odd, because I-I'm also dating a celebrity.

Oh, perchance a double date is in our future,

-eh, brother-in-law? -I don't...

Tell me about her.

(inhales sharply)

I-- you know, I-I don't think that-that you're the best one to talk to about my relationship difficulties.

Fair enough.

It's only what I do for a living, Michael.

(voice breaking): What I'm trained to do.

-Well, let-let me tell you a little bit about her. -Okay.

So it's a simple choice, really.

If I keep seeing her, he'll find out and kill the movie.

So I either keep the girl and lose the movie, or I keep the movie, lose the girl.

But the whole reason that I did the movie was to get the girl.

It's...

(sighs)

Michael, I appreciate your bravery.

And I know everything seems doomed now-- and believe me, I'm in a similar situation myself-- but trust me...

(sighs)

...we are (bleep).

You're (bleep).

(bleep).

I mean, unless some sort of miracle coincidence happens.

But, no, the best thing to do is just walk away, and we'll lick each other's wounds.

I guess I'm just going to have to give up my dream and my love forever.

I think I should just go tell Ron Howard that it is over.

Yes. R-Ron Howard?

-Ron Howard's making this movie? -Yeah.

Michael, you can't just walk away from this.

You have to go talk to him.

You just told me the exact opposite.

Reverse psychology. It didn't work.

How's this?

What I'm going to do for you, Michael, is, I am going to go there with you for moral support and I will act as your assistant and maybe I'll do my famous gay character.

I don't think you've seen that character.

I think I have.

Mm... I don't think so.

NARRATOR: The next day Michael sat down

for a one-on-one meeting with Ron Howard

-at Imagine. -Hi, thank you for seeing me.

Oh, well, that's fine, but

I should warn you, this is what I call a haircut meeting, so

-we probably don't have much time. -Okay.

It would be so much better if we could just lose

-the baseball cap. -We go through this every time.

This is a hat-on haircut, so you just cut what they can see.

You got it, Floyd?

I call all my barbers Floyd.

I'm gonna make this quick.

(Tobias clearing throat)

Are you not going to introduce me?

Thought you were going to wait in the lobby.

Tobias Funke.

I am a producer as well.

-Hey. -But I'm also an actor.

That's probably what confused you.

Um, I've done several inmate roles as well as a couple of "And as it is such, so also as such is it unto you"s, but I'll get to you after.

Well, that's terrific.

-Do you notice that he's already on my neck hair? -Yes.

Last time I was in here, we talked about,

I wouldn't come back until I had all the release signatures.

-I wanted to give you an update on that. -Terrific.

You can just leave 'em on Louisa's desk.

What-- but that, uh, that's the update.

I don't have them.

FLOYD: Done.

Okay, well, thanks for coming.

Well, um...

-Don't you have something else you wanted to say? -Yeah.

If not, I'll do mine.

No, no, no. What? I don't...

(sighs) Ron,

I care about someone deeply and I think that you may also care about this person.

Hey, that's terrific.

It's Rebel-- Rebel Alley, and she thinks that you're going to always be in her life.

I'm glad to know she thinks that.

-Yeah. -Tell him how you feel about her.

Yeah, I-- you know, I'm crazy about her, and, and I just-- I'm not going to be able to do anything about that until you let her go.

-She's my little num-num. -Sure.

-You understand what I'm saying? -Of course.

I-I've changed her, I've bathed her.

Well, now you want to bathe her.

Yeah, it's, it's my time to bathe her.

She should be your num-num.

She should be my num-num, and you've got to just let her go, I think, once and for all.

You know, a father doesn't really like to hear that when it comes to his daughter.

I haven't had a chance to talk to her father.

Yeah, I have, I have not yet had a chance to talk to her father, but...

No, no, I was, I was saying that.

Because you are talking to her father.

Did you not know that I'm Rebel's dad?

I knew that part.

But I, I also--

I thought that, that, that, that you might also be... her...

Her lover?

-No. -Well, this is hardly an episode of Happy Days.

I get it.

I was arrested as a sex offender, but at least I knew it was my daughter

-I was arrested for coming on to. -(chuckles nervously)

Now, about my project, it's a family piece.

Does this mean our project is dead?

Listen, I never let personal matters interfere with business.

However, you should know she's dating someone else, and

I'll do everything in my power to make sure she never dates you again.

Incredibly fair of you.

Well, that was a merry mix-up, eh? (chuckles)

Now, about my project-- it's based on something that you produced in '92--

The Fantastic Four.

-Well, that was a favor that I did for Fox. -Well, it turns out that one of the leads, DeBrie, played Sue Storm.

In fact, she is the leading lady in my production of Fantastic Four: The Musical, which, with a wave of your little pink hand, you could make happen, and then I'd owe you one.

Well, uh, thanks, but, uh, I couldn't do that.

It, it would just be so incredibly meaningful an-an-and change so many lives.

I can't do it, but...

...I also don't want to.

(laughing)

You are ruining my life, Ron Howard!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

-No, no, no, no... -You're ruining... -Aah, Louisa!

I'm gonna start wearing a hat when I get my hair cut, too.

What is wrong with you?

You knew that Ron Howard was Rebel Alley's father?

Yes, everyone does.

I didn't realize that's who you thought the other man was, but the good news is, at least one of our projects is still going, which, by the way, I haven't signed this yet.

Should I?

Yes, absolutely, thank you.

Okay, my movie rights.

Tobias Onyango Funke.

Initial down here.

This is exciting.

Thank you.

You're out of the movie.

(elevator bell dings)

NARRATOR: Tobias was defeated.

And the most important thing is, we must never be distracted...

Without the play, he'd lose DeBrie from his life,

but he'd made his bed and had no choice but to lie in it.

He's back.

I got the rights.

We're going to make a musical.

NARRATOR: Or just lie.

-Yay. -Yay.

(both chuckling nervously)

-Yay. -Yay.

-Yay. -Yay.

-Yay. -Yay.

(both chuckling nervously)

♪ I don't want to be invisible... ♪

And so the group went into their final rehearsal process,

and although DeBrie still had butterflies-- and worms...

-♪ Miserable, invisible ♪ -♪ Miserable, invisible... ♪

...the play did have a new backer

-who had a few notes. -♪ Invisible. ♪

-Yes. -Is anyone going to tell her she needs to lose weight?

Because I'm not buying invisible, and you don't want to be out there on a raft that's listing.

-♪ I can reach you ♪ -♪ No one can reach me... ♪

NARRATOR: Yes, Lucille had found someone to mother.

No one can reach me.

No one can reach me?

Is that how she's going to say that line?

No one can reach me?

NARRATOR: But all the pressure was compelling DeBrie

to think about a slip.

♪ Fantastic Four. ♪

Maybe they should retitle this Fantastic Three and Lousy One.

(laughs)

Oh, that's my bad...

-(group gasps) -TOBIAS: Oh, DeBrie.

Or ankle or knee.

I think I need some drugs.

No, it's okay, that's okay, no drugs are necessary.

We all want drugs, but that's a no-no, yes?

NARRATOR: And soon it was the night of their big show,

and Tobias and his ragtag troupe

of substance abusers showed up

for their big moment on stage.

In case you didn't know, the stage adds seven pounds.

Two words: diet pills.

(whispering): Do you have any?

Lucille, please.

Okay, Fan Four, company meeting.

Now, I know everybody has made a commitment to stay in the program for at least 30 more days, but I think we can all afford one night of intense pressure, yes?

We're all hoofers-- we can take the pressure, huh?

Argyle, not helping, okay?

(clanging)

Does anybody have any questions?

Yeah, I got a question-- you're sure the Hispanic community is okay with all of this?

Hmm, I'm sure they think of this as an homage.

Yes. Okay, well, I'm going to go put on my rock monster outfit and pass out some fliers.

You can take any boat to the float.

Oh, Tobias.

I don't think I can do this.

You can do anything I want you to do.

And-and you want to do as well.

We need this.

This will make all our old dreams come true.

But maybe they're old for a reason.

Oh, you're focusing on the wrong words.

If we can get through tonight, DeBrie, we can get through anything.

Don't worry about it.

The audience will be completely drunk, and if we're not perfect, they'll take it out on us, but... that's why you're going to be perfect.

You have to be perfect.

-(laughs): Okay. -(shudders): Okay.

-All right. -But Tobias was about

to discover a situation that was less than perfect.

-What?! Oh, no. -CHILD: Fantastic Four!

Who would bring kids here? This is no place for...

I'm a registered sex offender.

All right.

I'm a registered...

I'm a registered sex offender.

I'm a registered sex offender.

Tobias knew that wearing the Thing outfit

would only make him more recognizable,

-so he was at a loss. -Fantastic Four!

-DeBrie was also at a loss. -Okay, okay.

Feeling frightened and fragile,

she tried to keep it together in a very slippery place.

And she probably would have made it,

if the calming waves she was looking at

weren't down current from where Dr. Norman

was flushing away the remains of his medical career.

And so DeBrie, who had been in the safe harbor

of a drug-free zone, found herself

in the free drug zone of an unsafe harbor.

And that's when fate dealt Tobias a new hand.

Buster. Oh, thank God. I need your help.

I've got a show to do in ten minutes and I haven't got a thing to wear... this Thing suit.

And that's how Buster was drafted

to be in Tobias' musical.

You're a monster, you don't have to be good.

-What? -It wasn't a great choice of words.

Butch it up and sing your heart out.

-Having recast the Thing, -DeBrie! DeBrie?

Tobias returned to check on his leading lady.

(laughs): No, I'm looking for a woman named DeBrie.

DeBrie!

Fantastic Four!

Have you been drinking?

No... it's pills.

How could you do this to me?

Or did I do this to you?

You to me.

I should have left you happy and healthy and sober in that rehab instead of trying to rekindle the career that brought you there in the first place.

LUCILLE 2: Is she drunk?

TOBIAS: Uh, no.

-It's pills. -Eh.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yes. Uh, yes. Yes.

LUCILLE 2: That is unacceptable.

Patients doing pills on a literal pile of garbage, that's not what we're about at Austerity.

Where's Argyle? It's his...

I can't let you blame Argyle for this.

It would destroy his confidence and he's a little shaky on the lyrics as it is.

He's not very good.

Fine, then I blame you.

Someone has to pay for this.

You're putting Austerity in jeopardy.

You're out!

No, don't fire me. I'm on a work-release program.

If you fire me, then I have to go back to prison.

I can't go to prison.

And you're investing in this show.

What if we get killer notices?

We'll talk about it on Monday.

Now, get rid of her before someone sees her with their camera phone.

You know they have those nowadays.

So I've got until Monday to fix this.

(breathy laugh)

(laughing)

That red-haired lady can't throw her wad at that guy.

Oh, DeBrie.

But on the other side of the Dumpster,

things hadn't been so laughable.

Hi, honey. Are you in the play?

-Yeah. -What is the play, honey?

Fantastic Three

and Lousy One, so Four.

-Four? -Yeah.

And who do you play?

Sue Storm.

Okay, Sue Storm and the Fantastic Four are both trademarked by the Marvel Entertainment LLC.

This is a cease and desist letter.

If you violate it, you will go to prison for a long, long time.

And you certainly can't wear a four in a logo.

In fact, it wasn't even Marvel

that owned the four in a circle.

It was trademarked by the Four Feinbergs.

Hey, can anyone just throw one of these little Mexico

-guitars off the dock? -I don't want to go to prison.

I'm going to do it.

Well, Lucille 2 has threatened me with prison, but it's going to take more than one prison threat...

Oh, you got one, too.

Well, universe, you seem to be putting up all sorts of walls between me and my dreams.

Today.

Well, if we have any chance of beating this, it's by putting on the best show possible.

A real wowzer.

I just need to find a Sue Storm.

(sighs): I guess I'll need this.

Before I go any further with this, there's no way a hot cup of coffee and a glass of "the show must go on" spirit will encourage you in any way, will it?

Let me die.

(Tobias sighs)

No, you're not in any shape to go out and perform tonight.

Tobias knew he couldn't leave DeBrie in the trash

in a highly trafficked area,

but also knew he had a show to put on.

And so he went off to search for any Sue Storm in the port.

And when the search proved unsuccessful,

he ended up finding one inside himself.

Time to channel my inner Storm.

And because he didn't have the costume,

he created one out of some makeup

he'd always had in case he got a call.

And perhaps it was his muscle memory that led to this.

Tobias, what are you doing?

Oh. Pardon the mess.

I just blue myself for the first time in five years.

(falsetto): Excuse me. Make way for Sue Storm.

And now the almost invisible Invisible Girl,

got on the boat to head to the floating stage.

Unfortunately, and not for the first time,

Tobias got on the wrong boat.

Except this one was piloted by a man

who not only expected a woman in disguise,

but also had a real bad case of face blindness.

And as it turned out, the woman he was expecting

had just given a rousing speech

and joined the Love campaign as they took the message

that Marky had vowed to torpedo to the sea.

TOBIAS: I think this is going to make quite a splash.

(Marky laughing)

Oh, I know it is.

-♪ I can reach you... ♪ -After weeks of rehearsal

it becomes clear that the unauthorized

-Fantastic Four musical... -♪ Fantastic Four ♪

♪ Don't want to be ♪

♪ Invisible, invisible... ♪

...does not look like it's going to Broadway.

♪ Invisible... ♪

But since they worked so hard,

we're going to run credits over it.

♪ I'm going to stomp all over your face ♪

♪ Even if my heart won't snap back into place ♪

♪ Invisible, invisible ♪

♪ Invisible, invisible ♪

♪ Invisible ♪

-♪ Fantastic Two ♪ -♪ Fantastic Two ♪

-♪ Fantastic Three ♪ -♪ Fantastic Three ♪

♪ Fantastic Four... ♪

♪ It's not who we were... ♪

EMMETT: The only thing that can destroy me... water.

ARGYLE: Nice ad-lib.

Not an ad-lib-- I can't swim.

♪ In your face. ♪