Home > Arrested Development

Queen B.

♪♪

TV NARRATOR: Meet the Jade Dragon Triad.

They take no prisoners...

because they are prisoners...

at the Orange County Correctional Facility L.I.T.E.

They're the ruling gang in this four-star hellhole, and the "Real Asian Prison Housewives

"of the Orange County

White Collar Prison System."

NOH: We are a gang; we stick together.

Uh-huh. Although, right now, one of our members is a real "B" word.

We're getting ready to do something about it.

OLIVE: She come in and quickly become leader.

And we get so sick of her bossy, bossy behavior, and now she got to go.

In civilian life, we'd just vote Lu out, but here... she's gonna end up on the wrong end of a noodle.

Uncooked.

You get me?

LUCILLE: Ignore them.

Their bark is louder than the dogs they eat back home.

And I got news for them.

Anyone who comes after me is going to be one unfortunate cookie.

(laughs)

I made a pun.

(sighs)

NARRATOR: Now the story of a family

whose future was abruptly cancelled,

and the one mother who had no choice

but to keep herself together.

It's Lucille's "Arrested Development."

NARRATOR: Years before her behavior had become

"bossy, bossy" with the Jade Dragon Triad...

Lucille was fleeing the SEC...

Full steam, boys!

-(cell phone ringing) -(clamoring outside)

...when she got a call.

Hello, Lucille.

I still hope you're coming to our little get-together.

You want to hear something funny?

I never got an invitation!

But I feel like I'm there, because it's all over the news.

-(siren whooping) -Oh, honey, is that you?

I'm on my deck waving to you.

But with those police boats following you,

I guess I'm waving good-bye.

You must be mistaken, because I can't see you, and you're usually as hard to miss as Liberace wearing a fright wig.

(over phone): Oh, goodness, that is you!

I'm practically counting your crow's feet.

Oh, well, maybe I should turn back

-and show you another bird. -(line disconnects)

Hel-Hello?

Did you hear me say that about the bird? Hello?!

But it was clear that Lucille 2 hadn't heard it.

So, in a fit of what sailors call "sea rage..."

Coming about.

...she turned back to show her the bird.

Coming about, boys!

But Lucille 2 wasn't the only thing

that got flipped that day.

JOHN BEARD: ...none of which would've happened

if it had continued out to sea.

But then the "Queen" changed course, heading back to shore,

before crashing into the jetty in what can only be described

as a "sail-past" gone wrong.

And that's when they got some good news from Barry.

BARRY: First of all, won't be cheap.

It's gonna cost you a fortune in legal fees.

What's the good news?

Correction: good news for Barry.

It's all bad news.

Although, he did have one good suggestion:

...you're going away for a long time, unless we can come up with a good alibi.

Ma! I fell in the ocean; why didn't you come for me?

And there it is.

-What? -I did.

-Buster... -What?

...tell them how you were drowning and I commandeered the ship to save you.

Tell them what I did.

-The truth. -Okay.

She stole the "Queen Mary " to get away from the SEC.

Oh, and she winked.

Correction: it's a glare. (chuckles)

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -Oh, God.

-Hey! -What are you doing?

Wait, wh-where you going?

Wait, she doesn't have her make--

I have her lipstick!

But Buster knew that lipstick

wasn't the only thing she'd be without.

So, after she was released to await trial under house arrest,

he made sure she was able to catch up on what she missed.

This is the same scene I came back to after Cancun four years ago.

And after devising their plan to build the wall,

it was decided that George Sr. should move out,

in order to make their fake divorce look real.

After the trial, you can move back in.

It's only a trial separation.

(laughs): I made a pun.

(chuckles)

Even in this time of stress.

You think you're gonna be okay, alone with Buster?

If I need a moment to myself, I'll step out on the balcony.

Your ankle bracelet-- it's gonna go off.

So I'll make him stand on the balcony.

He's happiest when he feels useful.

Soon, he was practically delirious.

(Buster sobs)

There was one bright spot

when they simultaneously stumbled on a term

they both secretly recognized...

MAN (on TV): ...take this hot mess of a skirt...

...would be useful in their future disagreements.

(mouthing)

MAN (on TV): ...I'm covered with glue and I'm, like... this is a hot mess!

(mouthing)

But as her trial grew closer, it was getting harder

for Lucille not to alienate her alibi.

This toast has hook holes...

...again! I told you to get rid of that thing; it's hideous.

Plus, what's gonna happen when they swear you in?

You're gonna rip the Bible in half.

The jury will love that.

You're getting pretty snippy to your key witness, aren't you?

What do you want?

Maybe you could hook me up with a little stimmy.

Lil' stimmy.

Are you trying to do this?

Yes!

And I want stimmy to get a hook that'll do that.

When no such hook was available,

Lucille found other means to mollify her alibi--

both of which were unveiled at a family meeting.

...you're the key witness in your mother's trial.

Wait, I thought I was the key witness.

-You're the star witness. -Oh.

Because it was your life I was going after to save.

He fell off the boat.

-He'll tell you in my own words. -(groans)

(mumbles): Homosexuals kidnapped...

Up-up-up.

(loudly): Homosexuals kidnapped the boat and took it on a joy ride.

Mother didn't want to trample their rights, so she let them.

Then she realized that her son fell off the boat and into the water, and she went back.

Oh, and a fish swam by my ankle.

(gasps) That really happened.

Should I keep that?

-Make it an eel. -Okay.

-It's gonna be an eel! -Better.

But alone with Buster, the tension grew worse,

and things came to a head the night before the trial.

Buster, I'm going to exhale!

No, please!

I've had, like, seven in the past half hour.

You're not the one staring five years in the face.

Well, right now, I'm staring at a hundred years in the face!

(whispers): How dare you.

Would you mind?

Be careful, defendant.

Remember who you're talking to.

It sure would be a shame if something happened to your pretty little key witness.

Star witness.

And are you threatening yourself?

Maybe I am.

And losing confidence in her star witness,

Lucille decided to take a few keepsakes with her,

in case things didn't go her way.

And that's when she discovered

that the family she believed supported her

had actually already begun divvying up her stuff,

in case she lost.

Aw...

And he's supposed to be the good one.

This does not bode well for tomorrow.

Actually, they'd claimed those things years earlier

when she was having a sunspot checked.

But she was right to worry about

the turnout for the trial.

Does the defense have a witness they'd like to call?!

Any witness?

Please tell me you're working on a strategy for us.

Oh. It's us now?

Well, we have Lucille Austero.

She's the only one who showed.

I don't think that is good for us.

Nonsense.

-She owns the company now. -Mm-hmm.

She's got as much to lose as I do.

And she's a dear friend.

I'll do it myself though.

I need this to go well.

And so it was Lucille who did the questioning

of her new star witness, Lucille 2.

Thank you so much for coming to be my witness.

You're such a large shareholder...

Oh...

(chuckles): I've made a pun.

Oh, how could I not do it for my oldest friend?

Oh!

Now I've gone and done a double.

(laughs): A double.

Like your pre-surgery chin.

Or your post-breakfast drink.

Oh, I wish you'd come to my rehab clinic.

But anything to help that Keystone Cop family of yours.

Keystone Cops.

Your references are as fresh as the wallpaper in the room of that pretend child you've had all these years.

-But, my friend... -You're right, I shouldn't joke.

None of your family showed up, you poor thing.

This is such a black mark on all of you.

You should know about black marks.

Your pillow must look like a Rorschach test.

(chuckles): Not that there'd be anyone to see it.

So, as I was saying...

But unfortunately,

their 30-year passive-aggressive dance

was losing some of its passive.

As if everybody in this room couldn't tell how jealous and conniving you are, my dear Lucille Austero.

What I knew was that you were stealing for years-- we all did!

That's why nobody was surprised when you stole that boat.

And I knew you couldn't wait to get your liver-spotted claws into my company!

Says the woman whose liver can be spotted from outer space.

-No further questions! -No further answers!

Am I done?

Oh, that's got to be a treasure chest.

You think that went well?

BARRY: I do.

The judge kept Lucille on ice while she awaited the verdict.

Have you heard anything?

Well, our cashier's pregnant, and she's not married, so...

I mean about me.

Oh, you're guilty-- three to five.

Lucille was checking in to her new home.

Hello! Oh, Mrs. Bluth is here, for stealing the "Queen Mary."

-We're so glad to have you here. -It was one of the so-called

country club prisons...

So... you are here.

...that had become popular after the Enron debacle.

...so you're gonna take this hallway to the elevators, and then you're gonna want to go...

Slow down.

You sound like the end of a Cymbalta commercial.

Even the lifers get confused. Don't worry...

Even though it was a nice prison, it was still prison.

...your choice of fresh scent, sport, or floral for your delousing.

Also, if you're sexually assaulted by a guard...

A $20 gratuity is appreciated?

(laughs)

No, but press seven on your phone.

If you go through the front desk, it'll take forever.

After Lucille got settled in, she received a visitor.

LUCILLE: You missed my trial, George.

How could you?

GEORGE SR.: I told you I was sorry.

I was unconscious on the sweat lodge floor.

I lost two days.

I'm losing three to five years.

And those are the last years, George, the best years, where you can have sex and not worry about getting pregnant.

All right, here's the good news: they only got you on stealing the boat.

They didn't even touch us on the financial stuff.

-You're gonna get out of here. -When?

Better be before the money runs out; this place isn't cheap.

I know, and you are running up those spa bills.

The same girl who hands me towels does the cavity checks.

You tip.

Barry says he can get your sentence reduced if... you agree to leave here and go to Lucille 2's rehab clinic.

That's the bitch that put me here.

And I'm not gonna fake having some sort of...

I don't know-- alcohol problem-- just so that sterile cuckoo bird can laugh at me.

I figured. Okay.

I have another idea-- now, you know China Garden?

I know the one by the harbor.

No, this one's a person.

And that one closed.

China Garden's Aunt Olive is very well connected with the Jade Triad Gang.

It's a prison gang here.

And believe me, they will protect you.

That's a gang?

I thought they were tech support.

It turned out they were a gang.

And thanks to China Garden,

Lucille was admitted as a probationary member.

You play mahjong before?

Our beach club used to have a Jewish Day.

Your move, Olive Garden.

I can't concentrate.

Playing mahjong without cigarette is like playing video poker without... cigarette.

Why are we not allowed to smoke in this stupid prison?

And that's when Lucille made her move.

-I know a loophole. -Huh?

"Roop hore"?

-Roop hore. -Roop hore.

It was a loophole that would get Lucille

accepted as a full-fledged member

member of the Jade Dragon Triad.

You couldn't have chosen a harder word to say.

And soon the Dragons were taking

"drags on" their cigarettes again.

There's always a way to get what you want.

My husband is a very powerful man, Lucille Bluth.

Perhaps we can help each other get what we want.

And that's how Lucille found a deep-pocketed investor

to help build the wall.

I got Olive Garden to offer us unlimited bread.

Who better than the Chinese to help us build a wall, right?

So the Chinese will own a piece of the wall between U.S. and Mexico?

They'll own all of it, but they'll make us very rich in the process.

We just need to get Michael to sign a release.

He sold his shares, but he could still claim that he deserves a piece.

Or worse, find out and blow the whistle.

Where the hell did we go wrong with that kid?

Probably where we went wrong with the others-- I don't know.

I like the plan... I just wonder if we're not in that treason-adjacent place where the, uh, government will retaliate and, uh... execute us.

LUCILLE: Oh, they'd never execute a woman for this.

I have a good feeling about these people.

Oh, that's good enough for me.

-(George crying) -But the change in the economy

led the government to put the wall project on hold.

And as the months passed

and the Chinese saw no progress on the wall,

tension mounted.

And Lucille was getting more controlling.

She said you're fat.

That's what you said, right?

Or does that mean something

-different in Chinese? -No, it means "fat."

You keep causing trouble, you're going to end up

-with noodles in your belly. -I like noodles.

Not this way-- very hard to digest.

Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

It's no secret-- we'll kill you.

-She was even being controlling -Did you get that?

of the "R.A.P.H.O.C.W.C.P.S."

reality TV crew.

Do you need a clean of her making the threat?

I can lean back, but you will come around and get my reaction, yes?

Oh, I'll say it again-- we'll kill you.

But soon the threat was made real.

Oh! She's got a sharpened noodle!

She's trying to noodle-stab me!

-Back up! -(people screaming)

(yells)

-(grunts) -(people yelling)

(blows)

Aah, my eye!

This will be even more exciting if you jump cut it.

Quiet!

You can't just come in and have bread for nothing around here.

You have to pay bill some time.

It wasn't a great time to find out George didn't own

the right property to build the wall on.

-And so a new plan emerged -LUCILLE: Make sure Hebert Love comes out against the wall...

They needed the government to kill the wall completely,

-but pay them anyway. -As much as I'd like to stay and lay some more pipe with you,

I better get moving on this thing.

We've got to make this wall work, George.

We know Lucille 2 will oppose it, we just have make sure Herbert Love does.

Oh, don't worry-- that's why I asked Michael for help.

Michael? What are you bringing Michael into this for?

The only thing he should be doing is signing over his rights to the company.

I asked him to do this as well.

He made it a condition of the now

four favor family pact.

Will you please relax?

...do something for me?

You know, your mother is very hurt.

You haven't visited her. It's like you have given up

-on the family business. -I have.

Yes, but not in writing.

To protect all of us, visit her, sign a little something saying it's all hers.

-Will you do this, Michael? -Yeah.

But I get to make you look bad

-in the movie, okay? -Okay.

-Should we settle up? -All right.

Who owes what-what to who?

LUCILLE: Send me some evidence of a wall

I can show the Chinese.

And the government.

We need to make this happen, George.

The Chinese have more than a sharpened noodle with my name on it.

NARRATOR: And days later, that evidence arrived

from George Sr.

We've built this wall.

We have miles and...

and miles of wall, uh...

(audio fast-fowarding)

-There's more wall, uh... -Dad! Dad...!

-And you know, and it feels good to help, -It's spinning! to protecting our-our border.

LUCILLE: My God, he Steamboat Willied it.

-It's a heart project. -Dad! Dad!

We love America.

-We love America. -Daddy!

(sighs)

And that's when Lucille noticed something worrisome.

It seemed her prison family was preparing

for her to disappear as well.

So Lucille took matters into her own hands.

GOB: Well, that was fast, you hot little...

-It's your mother. -Hi, sorry, I thought you were somebody else.

I can't tell you who, 'cause I'm-I'm dating someone famous. someone... famous.

You better start to build this wall built pronto.

I tried with your father, but he can't do it.

Well, I'm kind of busy now-- I'm working with Michael.

What are you working on with Michael?

Dad made him give me a job.

I see-- so he thought it was a good idea to have you two together.

Isn't that nice?

My God, is there anyone there with half a brain that can help me with this?

I don't know about "half a brain," but Tobias is living with me right now and he's not very bright.

Although he is working in the rehab where Lucille 2 is.

He is?

And that's when Lucille came up

with a plan to get transferred away

from the Jade Dragon Triad.

Hire a crew and start the wall.

And not a word to your brother.

I'm getting a transfer.

It's time for Mama to put on the old drunk act.

GOB: That was an a...?

After a call to Lucille 2's rehab center,

-(slurring): Lucille 2, please. -where her drunk act was

as good as you'd see at the Method One Clinic...

Fine, Lucille Austero.

...Lucille was admitted as a patient.

And soon met the therapist

who held the keys to her freedom.

You look great.

That suit looks very hetero on you.

Well, thank you-- you look very hetero as well.

Now... how are you?

I'm as normal as blueberry pie.

So write that down on a form, sign me out,

I won't have to go back to prison, and maybe you'll find a new car parked in your driveway.

Oh...

Yes, well, it-it doesn't work that way.

We have to have a series of sessions, and, uh, I have to swear in the best of my professional opinion that you have accepted and made every effort at thoughtfully reflecting upon your weaknesses.

Yes! Write down that I did that.

Well, no, I-I don't work that way.

You don't work any way.

This is your first paying job in ten years.

Oh, no, no, this doesn't pay.

This is part of a work release program.

The state of California thinks that I'm a sex offender.

D-D-Don't worry about what the state of California thinks.

The point is we have a chance to be honest with ourselves.

Fine-- you don't look heterosexual in that suit.

You look as swishy as Ryan Seacrest.

Ryan Seacrest is straight.

And I'm 40! Sign the form.

Well, at least we have a dialogue going.

Dialogue?

If you don't release me you've heard the last

I'm going to say to you in these sessions.

Fine, but you will have to sit with me for the full session.

Every single session.

Now, Lucille, I can't make you talk.

But you know what I can do?

Hmm?

Okay, I can't trick you into talking, either.

This went on for several sessions.

Perhaps that's why they call this place

Au-stare-ity.

No?

Au-stare-i...

Fine.

Well, if you're not going to talk,

I'm just going to...

-write this up. -Earlier that day,

Tobias had encountered a plot problem

with the "Fantastic Four" musical.

A villain.

I was thinking the same thing.

I mean, why aren't the Fantastic Four fighting anyone.

Instead of just dancing around, you mean.

Right, it's like all Sharks and no Jets.

Then we would have a second act.

Lucia, right?

I mean, that's their foe.

Lucia Von Bardass?

Have you guys ever even read one of these things?

So Tobias was glad for the break in Lucille's sessions.

-...to do this right? -So that he could work on it.

I mean, really right.

This woman is a villain.

You think I'm a villain, too?

-No... -My children are all waiting for me to die so they can divvy up my stuff, my Chinese gang mates were getting ready to noodle stab me, and even one of the guards called me "Gangie," and he was talking about the monster movie.

He thinks that horrible monster looks like me!

So fine, you want to call me a villain, I accept it!

I'm your villain!

Uh, actually I was writing down a casting breakdown for the role of Lucia for my "Fantastic Four" musical.

This was all about your stupid play?

I was about to cry for the first time in 60 years.

I remember when the last time was, too.

I hid under Mama's porch during a thunderstorm...

(voice breaks): and I found the remains of my ostri...

It's not a stupid play.

It's a musical.

And I have to debut it on a boat at Cinco.

It's on a boat?

Take to the sea!

Yes, I'll sign everyone out for the night, but I guess I'll have to play the old sea bitch myself.

I'm in.

Really?

Well, that's wonderful.

Well, I think we have made a breakthrough today.

In the musical, not you.

Oh, God, no, there's miles of work to do with you. (laughs)

But, of course, he would make her audition.

So Lucille wrote a song from the heart.

LUCILLE: ♪ My children despise me ♪

♪ My husband defies me ♪

♪ It doesn't surprise me ♪

♪ The hell with them all ♪

♪ I'll put up a wall ♪

♪ You think I'm a villain ♪

♪ A villain I'll be ♪

♪ My heart is in pain ♪

♪ I just want to flee ♪

♪ From me. ♪

Wonderful.

Terrifying.

Isn't she?

Betty, you can leave.

Lucille, would you please stay?

But staying was the last thing Lucille had in mind.

-(phone rings) -LUCILLE: Hello?

MAN: I want to be with you; I... I have needs.

George, is that you?

It wasn't.

It was Oscar who, living as George,

-and feeling more amorous... -(Oscar whistles)

...went to visit Lucille 2 for an afternoon delight.

When she wasn't there, he found her work number.

WOMAN: Austerity.

Lucille 2, please?

But, of course, at Austerity,

-this woman is Lucille 2. -Hello.

I want to be with you; I... I have needs.

LUCILLE: George, is that you?

But a newly virile Oscar figured, in a pinch,

any Lucille would do.

Yes, this is George. Where are you?

I'm in rehab, you know that.

Why don't I swing by, and we can conjugate?

Let's do our business over the phone.

May not have a lot of time, but, uh, all right, here goes:

I want to pull your panties off with my...

Real business, George.

I'd very much like to pull your underwear off with my teeth...

LUCILLE: No-- at Cinco,

we're getting on a boat, we're leaving the country.

OSCAR: But what about love?

Easy-- Gene Parmesan got photos of Herbert Love with some redheaded whore.

I'm giving his wife a taste, so he knows we know.

If he wins, we should be able to get him to do whatever we want

with that wall now.

-(phone beeps) -I'm not completely following...

Oop. Hold on.

And that's when Lucille finally had a visit from her son.

-Hello. -Michael Bluth here to see you.

Send him up.

-OSCAR: ...with my teeth. -Michael's here.

-Oh... -This is my chance to make sure he doesn't get too cozy with Gob.

-Why? -Bad things happen when brothers collude.

When can we have sex?

LUCILLE: After Cinco.

Cinco?

LUCILLE: Just get a boat ready, we'll make our getaway.

So not... not today.

And that's when she saw Michael for the first time

since the last time he left the family.

Wow.

This is a step up from prison.

How would you know?

You haven't come to visit me once.

Yeah. Sorry.

I feel bad about that.

So you're here to make amends?

Because you know your mother will always take you back.

And because I know my mother wants me to sign away any connection to the family business.

I just need a signature.

I'm happy to help. If...

-you do something for me. -For me.

Yeah, I heard that's been happening.

I'm happy to help you, honey.

Me, too.

And that's how Michael got his mother's rights to the movie.

But not right away.

So happy to help.

Me, too.

-So, everything else is good? -Yeah.

You've talked to your sister, the radical?

Yeah. She's a redhead now, and she's dating Herbert Love, but other than her looks and her belief system,

-Oh... -she's the same old Lindsay.

So that's Lindsay in the photo.

And I hear you're dating an actress... who's also dating Ron Howard?

(wry laugh)

No, no... no, no, no, no, no, no.

She is not dating Ron Howard, Mother.

Ron Howard is her father, okay?

(Michael chuckles)

Your mind...

I did, though, actually find out who she is dating.

Michael had found out, earlier that day,

when he visited her apartment to head off

any ill feelings she might have about this...

I'll do everything in my power to make sure she never dates you again.

Or this...

You are ruining my life, Ron Howard!

Nice, right?

Is too big.

She likes small.

LEM: Can I please have ice cream?

No, no, you are a Depardieu. No sweets.

Getting excited about Cinco?

Your Cinco, not ours.

Michael wasn't proud of what he was about to do.

Hey, Lem, I can reach the ice cream and, you know, in my family, we play a game called

"If You Do Something For Me."

Rules are meant to be broken, huh?

I will give you this Dove bar, if you do something for me.

We have Dove bars?

We do. Look at that.

Tell me what you know about this "George Maharis."

Not much.

He's old.

Is he older than me?

A few years.

He looks like you.

So, handsome.

And that's when Lucille found a way

to keep the brothers from colluding.

George Maharis.

George-- that's your brother's name.

George Oscar Bluth.

Yes, uh, George is Gob's first name, yep.

And that's when Michael

remembered something else strange.

I probably should have expected that.

And then stranger...

MICHAEL: "Love each other..."

Oh, that definitely sounds like Gob.

And he did say he was seeing someone famous...

...dating someone famous.

And Michael remembered hearing about that, as well.

Me doth think he hath a lady.

-Oh. -And they're both a bit of celebrities.

Well, that is odd, because I, I'm also dating a celebrity.

If I were you, I'd put a tail on him.

Get a P.I.

Where the hell am I gonna find a P.I.?

Gene Parmesan... at your service.

(screaming)

Gene!

He does this to me every time!

-What's he doing here, Mom? -Oh, he's working for me.

Why'd you scream, then?

I thought he was that guy.

Mm.

NARRATOR: At Lucille's behest,

Michael borrowed the family P.I. to follow his brother.

GENE: He just drove by. Pick me up.

MICHAEL: This is the great disguise, huh?

Fry cook!

Oh, no, no, this is my horrible night job.

In fact, I was hoping you could drop me off at Chicken Dan's when we're all done.

Chicken Dan's, huh?

That is embarrassing.

This from a man who's driving around a mapping car?

You know, I don't even think these things work.

That's why I rely on these babies right here-- the old binocs.

Let's see if we can't find this target.

You know, the great thing about these is, there's no software to update...

-Oh, God, what are you doing? -Sorry.

Oh, these binoculars make me nauseous.

MICHAEL: Well, of course they do.

Why don't you just use the maps?

-No. -We're in a satellite-linked mapping car.

No, no. Sometimes the old ways are the...

-Hey. -You-you better pull over.

-All right, hang on. -Pull over!

One, two.

And while Michael was waylaid...

One, two...

-...Lucille was working on her tap dancing.

One, two.

♪ You look down on Thing ♪

-One, two... -♪ But that is 'cause ♪

♪ You haven't heard me ♪

♪ Sing! ♪

-Two. -E-ex... excuse...

-♪ When I was ♪ -Excuse me?

-♪ A little bitty boy... ♪ -Correction. Her tap dancing...

She missed a step. Tell her she missed a step.

She can't do it like that.

-...on people's feelings. -Oh, uh,

DeBrie, you might have missed a step, so...

-Sorry. I think I might... I hurt my leg. -Oh.

And so, I need some, mm, Tylenol with c-codeine?

Or maybe a little morphie morph?

No. DeBrie, come on. (laughs)

Don't you want to get back on that horse?

Even better!

She was the best villain casting

since Shirley MacClain in "Gangie Four."

And on the night of Cinco,

Lucille's escape plans

got a step closer to completion.

Oscar did indeed borrow a boat and left it idling,

which unfortunately, was what this man was looking for.

And Lucille slipped away from the cast,

looking for her husband.

There you are!

What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here?

We made plans... to escape on the boat!

I never made plans with you.

But we talked about it on the phone, when you were trying to talk dirty to me.

-Oh. -What is wrong with you?

This is... this is embarrassing. Full disclosure.

Uh, that was Oscar, who may have been the one you were talking with.

He's been filling in... for me occasionally.

Filling in? As in, visiting me?

You sent your brother to have sex with me?

No, I sent him to listen to you one time, and then, he found out about the wall, and tried to get you talking about it, and this was his way of shutting you up.

-He told you this? -No, you told me when I visited.

I got in there a couple of times... too.

Oh, but not for sex.

I don't have the tiger in my tank anymore.

Maybe I do need a vacay.

So, tell me about this trip.

That's interesting. Where we going?

I'll tell you where we're going.

We're going to court.

We're getting a real divorce.

You're out of the marriage.

Lucille...?

And that's when she came face to face with the man...

...whose face she'd just faced...

-Are you ready? ...but it was a different...

-It-it was Oscar. -Hello, Oscar.

You should get an Oscar for your portrayal of George in "Screw the Oblivious Sister-in-law."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You-you got me.

I was gon... I was gonna tell you.

I was acting when I pretended to be George, but I am dead serious when I say you are the hottest woman I know.

I'm here tonight because I want to run away with you.

Oscar. Really?

Of course. What?

Do you think I'm here for the donkey punch? Which I do love, and it's the only night you can get it.

But you are the only woman for me, Lucille!

Bring me those thin, pot-stained lips.

Oh, honey.

(both moaning)

-What's this? -I have no idea.

And that's when she found out the latest thing

that was hers that had been claimed.

He'd actually acquired it earlier that night

when he was... polling for Lucille 2.

-That, um... -She's claimed you!

Everyone I know wants to take everything away from me!

No! That's not true.

I love you.

I don't know if it's the maca.

I've just been so randy lately.

But you're... you... you're my kind of Lucille!

Get away from me, you liar.

I can't believe you were with her.

She's finished.

And the Oscar goes, too!

To...?

Get out of my sight!

She was in an emotional storm

and could have used a therapist.

-Oh, my God... -TOBIAS: Lucille!

-When she ran into a therapist -Where are you going?

who could've used a storm.

To disappear.

That's what everyone wants me to do.

Lucille!

You are not the villain.

(sighs)

I'm so tired of being the villain.

Well, those days are over.

What you are is the Invisible Girl.

You make it impossible for people to see you in order to protect yourself.

And somehow, in that moment,

something changed for her.

I do do that.

And in this way, you launch sneak attacks, and you create a force field to keep people away.

Right! I'm not a villain.

I'm the Invisible Girl!

Yes, that's what I'm saying!

Oh, you know, it's funny... I never would have come to this if it hadn't been for Lucille 2's rehab.

I need to pay her back for everything she's done to me.

I'm going back to rehab.

I just have to make one quick stop first.

I don't think we have time.

And that's the night that Lucille decided

she didn't want to be invisible anymore.

I've got to do this...

And perhaps, ironically, it was also

the night that Lucille 2 became the Invisible Girl.

(explosion)

Tobias boards the boat

originally meant for Lucille's escape,

and after making one stop, faces the awful truth.

They're going to be talking about this bomb for years.

TOBIAS: Oh, God, it is bad, isn't it?

Lindsay was right to discourage me.

-Tobias? -Marky?

If you're not Lindsay, then where is Lindsay?

Isn't that her on the love boat?

-But I just put a bomb on the love boat! -What?!

-Lindsay! Lindsay! -Lindsay! Lindsay!

Lindsay, there's a bomb!

Lindsay remembers she's on a boat...

Oh, (bleep)

...that Marky had intended to bomb.

You gotta get off the boat!

And it turns out to be kind of romantic.

Bomb!

(whoops)

...that Lindsay and Tobias have matching suitcases.