Home > Arrested Development

Re Cap'n Bluth

[upbeat guitar intro plays]

[narrator] It was May...

[narrator clears throat]

It was May 4th, and in the bayside town of Newport Beach,

the annual celebration known as Cinco de Cuatro was underway.

-[fireworks crackling] -[boat horn blares]

The holiday started as a particularly vicious response

-by a young Lucille Bluth... -This still isn't made?

-...to a well-known Mexican holiday... -Rosa! Why is this still a mess?

-...known as Cinco de Mayo. -She said it's Cinco de Mayo.

She's taking the day off.

-She said that? -Yeah.

-She called it Cinco de Mayo? -She did, yeah.

Oh, why can't they just call it May 5th?

This is what I was talking about.

-It's all part of the Mexican... -[both] ...war on May 5th.

-I know. Yeah. -It is.

[narrator] But even a skeptical George Sr.

soon found himself feeling similarly embattled.

-Where the [bleep] are my socks? -Now it's not so funny, is it?

No, not funny.

We should start our own holiday.

You see, the Hispanics of Newport liked Cinco a lot,

but high up on Coast Highway, Lucille Bluth did not.

Doesn't look like they'll be done any time soon.

And then Lucille had a horrible thought.

A thought that was thoughtless and better to not.

"What if..." she thought with a sneering grin--

Next year what if the party didn't even begin?

And so began a holiday on the eve of the 5th of May,

originally intended to deplete the party supplies

the Cinco de Mayo celebrants were relying upon.

-Fill the bay with chorizo! -Over 30 years, however, it grew,

and was soon embraced by the Hispanic community.

-You buy it, you break it! -For financial reasons.

And as the celebrations peaked with a boat parade

called the Festival of Lights,

another phrase they wanted back,

one man was about to hit his lowest point.

[Lucille 2] Happy Cuatro, happy Cuatro!

Let's throw some more taco shells. ¡Olé!

Sally, can I-- I need to speak to Lucille 2, please.

It's okay, Sally. I'll talk to Michael.

{\an8}[narrator] This is Lucille 2, a longtime patron of the Bluth family.

I'll be downstairs, kicking myself for not marrying you so many years ago.

Michael, do you have something for me?

Does bad news count?

There's that Bluth wit. Oh, I love your family.

Something she had demonstrated with almost every man in the Bluth family...

Making me dizzy.

...with one of them actually falling for her,

-while she actually fell for them all. -[grunting]

Although some of that was the vertigo she suffered from.

-We have to keep this-- -Dad?

-But not all of them. -Oh, no.

But seriously, she [bleep] Buster and Gob.

I need that money I lent you.

I am in the middle of a campaign and I am desperate for the ad money.

You're going to get it. I just need an extension.

-Why don't you go to your family? -I don't need them. What I need is you.

What are you suggesting?

[Michael] No, no, no!

{\an8}-Okay, that was nasty. -Oh, aren't you sweet.

-[chuckles] Okay. -Thank you.

Don't tilt your head, okay?

[narrator] And that's when Michael debased himself.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna have sex with you... for money.

Later that night,

after Michael did something unthinkable,

he was looking for a place to hide,

and he returned to a long-neglected model home

he believed to be empty.

[Gob] Thanks for coming so late, Maria. I know you won't be cleaning up tomorrow, and we did make quite a mess of that bedroom-- Michael.

-Gob. -Neither had expected to see each other

-after some recent unpleasantness. -Michael.

I didn't expect to be seeing you again after all the... unpleasantness.

[stammers] I've been out of control.

Sorry. In fact, I just did something that I don't--

I don't know why I did it.

-You want to talk about it? -No, I do not.

I've said too much already. You cannot help me.

Well, I wasn't hoping to help. I was hoping to rub it in.

Because of all the unpleasantness.

-Got it. -Oh, damn it.

I meant to throw these in the chipper.

-God, I'm just not into Cuatro this year. -I was the one that was wrong, not you.

Besides, you could not make me feel worse right now.

I mean, I'm gonna need some specifics about the thing that you're ashamed of.

Otherwise, I'll just be taking general potshots.

I went to go see Lucille 2, and I just... I just... I lost control.

I did something that I wish I could forget.

You've got no idea how I feel.

If you're talking about doing something embarrassing with a woman,

-then no, I don't. -[narrator] But he should have...

I'm down to my last Forget-Me-Now.

...had he not found a way to forget shame.

Hey! Remember me?

Gob had always taken a pill he called a Forget-Me-Now for that...

-[man] No más. -[Gob] ¿No más?

-...but was commonly known as a roofie. -Uh, hola.

How could that possibly be, unless... John Beard Jr.

I don't need to get into it. I thought the house was empty,

-but I can go somewhere else, okay? -Hey, listen, Michael,

-if you want, we can split this. -No.

I feel like this is something I shouldn't forget.

Okay? And believe me, this is the last time I ever judge you for anything that you ever do.

Oh-- [bleep]

[door slams]

Is that who you were with? I knew it.

-I always knew that. -Take this, Michael.

Put the mask back on! Forget this, Michael.  Forget, Michael.

-Forget. Now is the time to forget. -[grunting]

-[coughing] -Now you're forgetting.

-Now you're forgetting. -God!

-♪ It's so easy to forget ♪ -[sighs]

♪ It's so easy to forget ♪

Stupid forgetful Michael.

[narrator] Now, the story of what happened when the one man

{\an8}who was holding his family together

finally let go,

and the separate journeys that eventually gave them no choice

but to come back together.

{\an8}It's Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences.

[narrator] Michael's fortunes had fallen a great deal in the six years

since the Bluth family business had finally made him their official captain.

I just wanna say how much this family really means to me.

Even his brother, Gob, who was able to overlook Michael's evident emotion,

found it within himself to support his brother for a change.

Looks like George Michael got his mom back today, huh?

-Where's George Michael, by the way? -Gave me this shiner.

Because when George Michael went to have a heart-to-heart

about his girlfriend with his uncle,

he discovered that Gob had also been dating her.

But when Michael learned that his son had gone to sea alone...

The yacht?

...it became clear to him that some in the family business

valued business over family.

This company is important.

Michael made the opposite choice and went off to pursue his son,

and Lucille, now back in charge, decided to cash out

by selling a piece of a company to their biggest competitor.

Would you take the company for 15 percent above market?

-Ten, I'll take the company... -It was unfortunate timing for Stan,

{\an8}as the company was on the verge of reevaluation.

{\an8}Are those police birds?

And the news wasn't much better for Lucille.

-You gave me up, George. -George? I'm not George.

{\an8}George had also lured his twin brother into taking the fall.

{\an8}Stupid Oscar! When are you gonna learn there's no such thing as free shrimp?

As it turned out, it was this freed shrimp that turned them in...

-Annyong? -Annyong.

{\an8}...after being trapped in the walls of the Bluth apartment...

-where he gathered evidence against them. -Annyong?

{\an8}But Lucille was not going peacefully.

You boys know how to shovel coal?

{\an8}It turns out these guys thought that referred to a sexual position,

where two power bottoms manipulate a top while standing over him.

And thanks to viewer Bruce Wallenstein for sending that in, by the way.

Stan Sitwell had to act fast.

How'd you like to be bumped up to Lucille 1?

So, the Bluth Company had a new co-owner,

{\an8}while the old one, who knew she'd be implicated...

{\an8}Full steam, boys!

...headed out to captain whatever the opposite

of a maiden voyage is called,

{\an8}a strategy their lawyer's son came up with...

{\an8}I was wondering if we shouldn't have a plan in regards to bookkeeping,

{\an8}in case we accidentally make a mistake or get caught.

...on his first day back in the country from law school.

May I make one suggestion, Pop? Take to the sea!

{\an8}Three miles out, and it's a free-for-all.

{\an8}No rules. Pirate radio laws.

{\an8}So we will stick together and have all of our meetings on boats.

We have the best [bleep] attorneys.

{\an8}Michael had somehow intuited this information as well.

{\an8}And on a boat with his son,

{\an8}he made a pledge to let his family take care of themselves altogether

{\an8}-for a while. -...for a while.

And he set off to sea...

which should have been the end of it.

-[phone rings] -Except, this happened.

{\an8}Hello, Lucille. I still hope you're coming to our little get-together.

You want to hear something funny?

I never got an invitation!

{\an8}But I feel like I'm there, because it's all over the news.

Oh, honey, is that you? I'm on my deck waving to you.

{\an8}But with those police boats following you, I guess I'm waving goodbye.

{\an8}You must be mistaken, because I can't see you,

{\an8}and you're usually as hard to miss as Liberace wearing a fright wig.

{\an8}Oh, goodness! That is you!

{\an8}I'm practically counting your cruise speed.

Oh, well, maybe I should turn back and show you another bird.

-Hello? -[garbled response]

Did you hear me say that about the bird? Hello?

[narrator] But it was clear that Lucille 2 hadn't heard it,

so in a fit of what sailors call sea-rage, she turned back...

-Coming about. Coming about, boys! -...to show her the bird.

[man] We're listing! We're list--

[narrator] Michael, alone with his son,

had escaped the rest of his family at last.

He finally felt like the captain of his own ship.

But when he awoke from a brief nap a short time later,

he came face-to-face with the ugly truth.

How was the party?

Mom stole it.

The whole boat?

You think we should go back?

Absolutely, she's your mother. This family has to stick together.

Okay. You're afraid she'll turn on you.

Won't even leave the table during a dinner party.

George, of course, was concerned his wife had already been flipped,

and in some ways, he was correct.

{\an8}[reporter] None of which would have happened

{\an8}if it had continued out to sea.

{\an8}Why the alleged ship-jacker changed direction is still unexplained.

{\an8}But what is known is that many of the charges

{\an8}against this seaward matriarch will fall under the dominion

{\an8}of the little-understood maritime law.

{\an8}But for now, the Bluth family's reputation is as solid

{\an8}as Newport Bay on the fifth of May.

[narrator] And as the Bluths stood gathered

inside the Newport Beach Coast Guard headquarters,

Michael returned to try to save his family after all,

at the beginning of a fourth season...

-Excuse me. My wife, where is she? -...that almost didn't come.

Lucky it didn't happen in Autumn, otherwise she'd be colder.

This is ridiculous! It was an accident.

If I had told him we were taking a bunch of gays out there to get married, they'd have thrown me a parade.

Let's tell them we were taking a bunch of gays to get married.

Yeah, I don't think your record on that issue is gonna back that up, Mom.

[narrator] In fact, it was an issue of the Bay Window magazine

that would most damage her with the gay community.

[Lucille] Fine, we'll say they took it on a joyride.

And you have no right to criticize me.

They are persecuting me because I'm a white woman who looks 15 years younger than my real age of 60!

We both do.

{\an8}Moments earlier, Gob was also hoping his brief dip in the sea

would be considered an accident.

I want all of these on the insurance form.

These were all a part of an act I was gonna do.

Two drowned white doves, for flowers to doves.

This was a rabbit, for doves to rabbit.

Also drowned. These were mice--

[Tobias] For rabbit to mice.

No. That can't be done.

No, these were a part of something I call Mice-cellaneous.

Mouse in purse. Mouse in drink.

Here's a mouse, now it's gone.

-And that's when Gob saw his nephew... -How'd he do that?

...and noticed how both the betrayal and the time at sea...

-Hi, Uncle Gob. -...had so clearly aged the boy.

Are we good?

-No. -No. How could we possibly...

It was clear that to make things right,

Gob would have to do a lot more than simply say...

-But are we-- Are we good? -No!

It appeared he would need to dig a lot deeper still.

-You stole my girlfriend. -That's a tough thing and you know, sometimes you have to ask yourself, "Are we good?"

Is it over between you guys?

Oh, no. But are we good?

I don't know what you want to hear from me, Uncle Gob.

-I mean, yes, we are good-- -There it is! Oh!

It was what he wanted to hear from George Michael.

The much-vaunted yes that he gets.

Look at you, full of yes!

Look at how much yes is in you!

I knew it! I knew I'd get that yes from you.

Lucille, however, was far from resigned

{\an8}when she caught up with her husband moments earlier.

{\an8}A joyride!

{\an8}That's what they decide to do with the freedom this country has given them.

[softly] That's the best alibi I've been able to come up with, because our lawyer says he thinks can get rid of the SEC charges, but he's worried about the pirating of the Queen Mary.

He says they have a suit against us.

-Where is Barry? -He's with the harbormaster.

He's trying to dazzle them with a suit of his own.

Well, he hated the suit. Thought I was making fun.

But basically, this is a good news, bad news deal.

First of all, won't be cheap.

It's gonna cost you a fortune in legal fees.

What's the good news?

Oh. Yeah, from your perspective,

I can see where you think it's all bad news.

It's all bad news. Whoo! You're going away for a long time, unless we can come up with a good alibi.

Mother! Mother! I fell in the ocean. Why didn't you come for me?

And there it is. I did.

Buster, tell them how you were drowning and I commandeered the ship to save you.

Tell them what I did.

Oh...

She stole the Queen Mary to get away from the SEC.

Oh, and she winked.

Correction, it's a glare. [giggles]

-All right, let's take her away. -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Wait! She doesn't have her makeup! I have her lipstick!

Mother!

And even Michael was having a hard time keeping them all together.

It's gonna be a tough one.

There's about 400 witnesses that already threw her underneath the boat, buddy.

-I don't think I can even help. -[Barry] That makes two of us.

It turns out that stealing the Queen Mary comes under maritime law, which I just found out is an actual thing. Did you know that?

-It's an actual thing. -Maritime.

And perhaps that's when Michael found a reason to stick around a little longer.

Don't you worry. We got three months to prepare for this hearing.

[scoffs]

{\an8}Well, I missed the hearing. My fault.

Oh, it just snuck up on me, and then they called, and they wanted me there at eight bells.

You know, I thought that was their 5:00 p.m.

By the time I got back, the courtroom was reverted back to the crab restaurant.

Eight bells are first to a watch length. It's maritime law. Duh, right?

I mean, duh.

You know, one bell is struck after 30 minutes, two bells...

[narrator] It seems Michael had been interested in maritime law

since playing a lawyer alongside Buster

in an original school play titled The Trial of Captain Hook.

[singing indistinctly]

Prior to this, his only dream had been to possess the power of flight.

Watch out for the seal!

But that one turned out to be not as much fun as he thought.

-Lucille! -I'm watching!

You're out of the play!

That's why at sea, a watch with no incidents is described as "Eight bells and all is well."

Wow. Maybe you should be the maritime lawyer.

This is what I've been saying, because I did go to law school with an emphasis on maritime law.

Oh, your one year of law school is gonna beat Barry's three tries?

It's ridiculous. We'll hire the best.

-[phone rings] -[Barry] Ooh!

This might be about my new sailor suit. [whispers] This could help us.

And who's gonna pay for the best, Mom?

We have money from selling some shares in the family company.

And that's when Michael discovered that in the months

he'd been busy sacrificing for the family...

Plus, we got that stimulus package.

...his family had been busy sacrificing nothing.

What are you talking about? That money is spent.

I just bought 4,000 acres

-of California desert. -Time out. Hang on.

-What's this? -[George] Yeah... [clears throat]

I'm gonna be moving there for a little while.

Old Big Bear's not gonna be around much anymore.

-I don't care about that. -He's in denial.

-We're getting divorced! -Your mother and I are getting a divorce.

[Buster shrieks]

-I want to know-- -[Buster whimpering]

I wanna know about the stimulus package.

We haven't had sex since Christmas, Michael.

I'm sorry, you had sex seven weeks ago?

They were remodeling my room, and I pulled my cot in there just like camp.

We yelled at you to leave.

But then you whispered, "Don't pull out!"

[Gob yelling, groaning]

You didn't wanna use any of that money for...

[Gob moaning]

You couldn't use any of that money to finish Sudden Valley?

You don't consider that finished?

So the family got a little stimmy. Don't make a federal case out of it.

That is exactly what they're going to make out of it.

When you say family, you mean our family have already got their hooks in it?

Buster, no offense.

None taken! I keep losing my jewels.

I'm sure Gob helped himself to the money.

-Hey, I've got mouths to feed. -Mouths?

Mouth.

Her.

Oh, hey, mouth. I didn't see you sitting there.

We rode up in the elevator together.

-I'm blanking. -Yeah.

Me and Blank are getting the old Christian magic act back together.

I mean, you don't expect people to believe that I'm Jesus

-if I'm walking around in rags. -You're resurrecting that mumbo-jumbo?

Look, everybody's got a gimmick.

Tony Wonder's making a fortune with that gay magician act.

{\an8}[narrator] Gob's long-time nemesis had come out of the closet,

{\an8}and used it to great advantage in his act.

Besides, I have to do something for the wedding.

Who's getting married?

Her.

-Who's marrying her? -Me.

Did I not open with that?

-You sure didn't. -Yeah! I'm getting married!

-I didn't wanna make a big deal about it. -You haven't.

Well, my wedding's gonna be religiousy and epic, and expensive, which is why I need more of that stimmy, Mommy.

Thanks, Mike.

[narrator] Michael had just discovered that his family had,

once again, been up to their old tricks.

Michael, you never accept help from anyone.

That's why we didn't we didn't cut you in. We didn't wanna demean you.

It's like tipping an African-American.

You wouldn't tip an African-American, would you?

Of course I would.

On a train?

Did you know about all this?

No. I've been tipping them.

Even a waiter?

[man] Okay, the treadmill's up and running.

We got the door on, and we were able to match the faux on the paint.

Thank you so much for your hard work.

So long.

Michael, we can't give you that money.

We gotta keep you clean.

You're the key witness in your mother's trial.

-I thought I was the key witness. -Oh, no, you're the star witness.

Oh, okay.

Because it was your life I was going after to save.

He fell off the boat.

-He'll tell you in my own words. -Ugh.

-Homosexuals kidnapped-- -Up-up-up.

[sighs]

[loudly] Homosexuals kidnapped the boat and took it on a joyride.

Mother didn't wanna trample their rights, so she let them.

Then she realized that her son fell off the boat and into the water, and she went back.

Oh, and a fish swam by my ankle. Aah!

That really happened. Should I keep that?

-Make it an eel. -Okay. It's gonna be an eel!

-Better! -[Michael] Congratulations, Mother.

You managed to combine people's fear of homosexuals and eels into one alibi.

Let me get this straight.

I still have to do all the work as the president of the company, but I can't use any of the money for the company, and you won't let me help with your case, but you'd still like for me to testify at your trial. Is that right?

I just want you to say I was a loving mother.

And now perjury.

Hey, it wasn't easy to get Lucille 2 to keep you on as president.

I'll be sure to thank her.

Don't thank her. She doesn't have enough shares to stop us.

Hmm.

[narrator] And that's when Michael, who had always come back,

did something he couldn't come back from.

-Hello. -Hello.

He simply traded his shares of the Bluth Company to Lucille 2...

I hold on to Sudden Valley. It's a pet project.

-...getting himself out... -Thank you so much.

-...and giving the balance of power... -No, it's just--

...to a woman who had no power of balance.

[groans, thuds]

And for the first time,

he didn't feel he needed to tell his family he was done with them.

But he did anyway.

You know what? I am done with this family!

I hope you've saved some money, 'cause you're gonna need every dime now.

What's this?

{\an8}On the next Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences...

Michael is able to finally give his son his own car,

before sending him off to a bright future in college.

And with the money from Lucille 2,

he finally builds the long-delayed Sudden Valley,

but this time with himself as captain.

And Michael feels that nothing can go wrong for him...

-but something does. -[rumbling]

Not that. That happens all the time.

[fireworks crackling]

This.

[theme music plays]