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Three Half Men

♪ And as it is such so also as such ♪

♪ And as it is such so also as such ♪

And welcome to...

Excuse me, Father Marsala, I hate to interrupt, but I am so excited today.

My lovely Ann...

-Who? -My daughter.

Oh, I didn't know you had a daughter.

You've met her several times.

Oh!

She's sitting right next to you.

Oh! That's why she's there.

I thought you were hair.

Hair?

No, she's my daughter, and she's getting married to this good man!

Well, and as it is such so also as such is it unto you, young man.

You got it.

Unto you as well, dear heavenly fathers.

Well, we have a really great show today surrounding the Scriptures...

We have an announcement to make... I have an announcement to make, that we would like to televise our marriage here on this show.

[narrator] Gob had finally become a man

by making a lasting and meaningful commitment.

-Did you... -Well, no, but that's... No.

What an idea. I think...

Well, this show is about the spirit of inclusion,

-so I would love to say... -Well, great!

Then I, too, have an announcement to make!

At our wedding, I will be performing one of my famous magical illusions, that once your eyes have beholden it, you will put no God before me, because of its spectacularity.

[audience member coughs]

And of course, I only propose to do this out of...

...love.

Love for...

-[narrator] Gob's relationship with... -Ann.

Ann...

And God.

Love for and God.

Let me pray.

...had come a long way since she was less than an hour

from turning 18 and becoming a woman.

Amen.

While we run the clock down on this thing, why don't you just go change into something a little less...

...unflattering, and...

And he was getting everyone in the mood for romance.

Guess I'll take my clothes off.

While Ann less-unflattered herself up,

Gob, as we have seen, had an unexpected visitor.

And while running away from a fight,

Gob found himself running after the woman who was in his life.

...or I'd have to flatten you!

Although she turned out to be physically formidable as well.

Way to plant, Ann.

You told me George Michael knew about us.

Well, he does now, my darling plant.

-Ann. -And... after I dazzle everyone tonight on the Queen Mary, my magic career will take off as surely as there's...

-a mouse behind your-- -[mouse squeaks]

Well, as surely as there's a mouse behind--

[mouse squeaks]

Mouse behind...

You're like the only person I know who doesn't just love that trick.

{\an8}Now the story of what happened when the one man

{\an8}who was holding his family together

finally let go.

{\an8}And the separate journeys that eventually gave them no choice

but to come back together.

{\an8}It's Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences.

Gob was trying to consummate his relationship with her.

We have to make things right with George Michael, otherwise you don't get to fourth base.

Ann's concept of "fourth base"...

...was very different than Gob's.

But you have to promise me you'll always be faithful...

Faithful? Of course I can be faithful.

...until tonight, when we're together.

{\an8}Oh! Until tonight!

{\an8}Well, of course I can do that. Don't be stupid.

Think I can't keep it in my pants

{\an8}in front of a bunch of doggy old women and my family?

{\an8}Don't be stupid.

Who am I gonna hit on, stupid?

My sister? Lindsay?

We're related!

He would soon find out that he and Lindsay were not related.

Not related.

But that was still hours away.

Don't be stupid.

She's my sister, that's gross.

{\an8}Now...

{\an8}you...

{\an8}got some mice to scoop out of the sea.

But there would be no career-making magic show.

It seemed the only "her" Gob would be getting off that day

was the Queen Mary.

{\an8}And perhaps it was the baptism at sea that truly made him a man,

but Gob was ready to make things right with his family.

We good? Are we good? Are we good?

-There it is! -And with his forgiveness assured...

Gob relaxed into the comfort of knowing

{\an8}there was nothing standing in the way

{\an8}of a committed relationship with Ann.

{\an8}[Lindsay] My life is a fallacy.

["The Sound of Silence" plays]

[Tobias] ♪ Is that a gal I see? ♪

♪ No it's just a fallacy! ♪

[narrator] Across the room, however, Buster was contemplating a relationship

that seemed to be ending.

Mother!

{\an8}It was now Buster's turn to become a man.

{\an8}And upon returning to the penthouse alone...

{\an8}-Hey, Lupe. -Oh, Buster.

{\an8}...he made some foolish mistakes.

{\an8}Are you going to be all right?

You want me to stay?

I was planning to visit with my family.

{\an8}Just watch, Mother is going to come waltzing through

{\an8}that door any day now,

{\an8}and she is going to be screaming,

{\an8}"Make sure you frisk that girl before..."

{\an8}I'll be fine.

Spoiler alert: he wouldn't be.

-That's my perfume. -Good. Okay.

And perhaps because he knew that,

{\an8}George Sr. went to his competitor, Stan Sitwell,

{\an8}to raise money for his wife's legal fees.

{\an8}-to raise money for his wife's legal fees. -Buy your stock?

{\an8}I already dumped the stock I owned to Lucille Austero.

Don't forget, I was on that boat.

And believe me, I lost more than just the 50 grand on that sale.

I also lost a perfectly good pair of human chest hair nipple tufts.

Stan Sitwell suffered from alopecia,

a condition that rendered him hairless.

That's kelp.

Why would I put it on my chest, head, or anywhere?

I was gonna show those babies off at the Jacuzzi after-party.

Come on, Stan.

I'm offering you the chance to double the size of your business.

Way ahead of you. I've got a big project coming up.

And you can't compete for this one, with your business in the shape it's in.

This is a biggie.

I get this contract, and it gets government approval,

I'll be bigger than Halliburton.

Well, maybe not Halliburton, but definitely Halliburton Teen.

Halliburton Teen was a leading youth and lifestyle retailer

despite the fact that it was a rebranding of the tarnished

{\an8}Halliburton Penitentiary and Rendition Systems.

It's also how their deep-water drilling enterprise

spawned this company.

Anyway, you're too late.

The contract is practically mine. Even you can't underbid me.

Well, you may have a bigger business than me, but you will never have this.

And believe me, I'm gonna find out that project you're working on, even if I have to search the public records for the blueprints myself.

Well, unless you search in this office, you will never find them.

My hair! My beautiful hair!

-My hair! My beautiful hair! -[camera shutter snaps]

{\an8}-This isn't what it looks like! -Oh, really?

{\an8}Because it looks like a monument to George W. Bush.

{\an8}Well, you got me.

You're in for a rude awakening, Sitwell.

It's too thin.

It'll never stand.

{\an8}And later that day, he shared the happy discovery with his wife,

{\an8}who was still held at the Coast Guard.

I mean, what else could it be?

You mean other than a 20 foot-wide monument that goes five miles into the sky?

It's a wall, George. You're looking at it sideways.

The "W" stands for "Wall."

-The bushes... -Stand for the bushes.

This explains the immigration booth

10,000 feet in the air.

It's to separate the U.S. and Mexico, to keep out the immigrants, which was my idea!

I remember you said that right after Lupe put the bleach stain on your teal blazer.

How did you miss this, George?

This is business we should have.

Is this how you're going to let it all end, as a failure?

-Is that your plan? -No, of course not.

It was his plan.

Discouraged and questioning his own manhood,

George Sr. went for lunch alone at the club...

I thought I already seated you.

...when he saw a familiar face:

His own, on his twin brother, Oscar.

George!

Actually, we came in to use the bathroom, but they sat me.

Will you join us?

Will you have a mahi-mahi on me?

-On you. -Fine.

But I'm gonna sit opposite you, so it won't look bad.

These are my friends, we all live in the desert together.

This is Heartfire. She's an aura specialist.

She did Matthew Modine.

I will.

Heartfire would like some more crackers.

And Dr. Norman lives with us now.

Doctor Norman is a disgraced anesthesiologist.

No, the bigger crime would've been the patient didn't wake up and testify against me.

But nobody cares about the part of the oath you kept.

If he as bad as the State of California say he is, then why did I fall in love with him?

[bleep] the state of California!

[bleep] them!

Bunch of California [bleep], yeah.

Do you know China Garden?

I know the downtown one.

You know, I shouldn't judge, 'cause you have friends, and I...

I envy that.

You're welcome to my friends, brother.

I don't want these.

Gob also had a new friend he didn't want.

And later that night, he went to break in on and up with her.

Gob!

For a second, I thought that was a real guy.

So, listen, I talked to George Michael and everything's cool.

I need to tell you something.

I've been doing some thinking and I... I just don't...

But as she unzipped her nightsack,

Gob was reminded of past situations

in which he'd been successfully aroused.

Well, I could wait 'til after.

Like his son,

George Sr. was finding himself closer

to someone than he expected to be.

-I'm not the big man I thought I was. -Forget the past, George.

And that's when George Sr. heard something...

I don't know, maybe it's because I live on the border between the United States and Mexico and--

-Hold on, hold on... border? -...that might help make him a big man.

You don't think I live like this all the time, do you?

That's why I had so much fun at that party on the Queen Mary.

And you paid for my haircut.

And you made me dress like you.

Forget the past.

What were you saying about that property on the border?

Buster's manhood was also being tested

as he fended off the panic of his mother's absence

by sticking to his daily routine...

♪ The vodka goes in, you pour it in the other... ♪

[narrator] Making Mother's breakfast...

♪ Then you call your... ♪

[whispers] Mother.

...Laying out Mother's clothes...

You're welcome.

This is bugging me.

...And keep his spirits up with little jokes

he knew she'd appreciate when she'd return.

Finito!

Except for the hair.

You have reduced.

Well, you're not that skinny.

Welcome home, chubs.

You will kill me for that.

And I don't want that blood on my hands.

With his mother gone, it was nice to finally get a chance

to finally use the sewing machine.

Soon, Buster even found ways to feel good about himself.

"You always come through."

Mother, that's so nice.

"No, no, no, I mean it. It's amazing work."

But he knew it wasn't real...

Okay, I need to stop, or I'm going to be committed.

-...at first. -What?

But that would take hours.

This is going to be just stunning.

You are always so right.

And then the waiter came back, and he said,

"I'm sorry. Who are you?"

And I said, "I'm Buster Bluth.

That's the fourth time I've told you."

But while Buster was constructing a new relationship,

Gob was still trying to find a compassionate way to end one.

So how did you like your egg?

I said you were fine.

So, was there something you wanted to talk about when you came through my window?

Gob, what is it?

What... what...

...is it? I... You...

It's the... the questions...

You have so many of these... of these... of these...

These questions that... that...

That you keep asking for me...

For... for... for... for... for...

Should... should... Should I? Should I? Should I?

Should the... should the... should the...

Should the guy...

Should the guy in the... Should the guy...

In the $32... In the $32 pink... bath...

Should... should... should the girl... in the $6,000 tuxedo!

Gob was uncomfortable with the question.

Should... In the $32...

In the $3,400...

Should the guy... Come on, come on.

-Let's... -Come on...

-Come on, come on... -Gob! Calm down!

Listen, we had a great night together.

I understand if you need your freedom.

Aw, marry me.

Yes. Yes, I'll marry you, Gob!

Of course, Gob meant it in the show biz-y way

his niece had always used when she was accused of being too young.

What are you, like 15?

Marry me. Marry me. Marry me.

And may I add, marry me?

But like many evangelicals, Ann took it literally.

I'm getting married!

Oh, my God!

Gob was surrounded by unconditional love

from a family for the first time in his life.

["The Sound of Silence" plays]

♪ Hello darkness, my old friend ♪

I've made a huge mistake.

I guess you could say things at the penthouse

were getting kind of weird.

Olive on top and you set it down for Mother.

To an uninformed observer,

it looked a little like that Vince Vaughn movie, Psycho.

Dancing with the Stars has gone completely downhill.

"This pasta's way overcooked, Buster!"

Well, you didn't leave me the simplest recipe, Mother.

But finally, Lucille was released under house arrest.

And everything returned to normal.

I was just thinking about you.

George Sr. had gone to see

the equally disturbing home of his brother.

You live here?

Ask him!

Would you like to watch us make love?

No. You live here?

We have been.

You see, Mexico starts right at the end of that gully, and we have to get in and out of there so we can get at the maca root.

What the hell is maca root?

It's an ancient Aztec power herb.

It's an endocrine adaptogen.

It's legal to grow in Mexico, but it's against the law to consume it there.

Of course, you can ingest it here, but you can't grow it.

So you guys are knowingly breaking the law.

{\an8}But it's worth it, because maca has powerful properties, especially when combined with an hour in the sweat lodge.

It gets up to 110 degrees in there.

Sounds fun.

Oh, but you have to do it with us.

You'll find a power you didn't know you had.

But, you want to do it soon, because they're kicking us off of the land.

I'm sorry.

Oh, great. Now you're gonna make me cry.

A lizard, look! Look, a lizard!

Cute!

What if I were to buy this land?

I don't understand. Why would you want to do that?

Well, I always talk about being a great man.

Maybe a way to do that is not by being the biggest businessman in Southern California, it's...

It's by being the best brother in Southern California.

George Sr. was going to say,

"By gouging the government when they needed the land

for Sitwell's wall."

You bet.

Hey, guys, we're staying.

Oh, thank you.

But he'd save that for Lucille.

-Thank you, maca. -Thank you, maca!

George Sr. shared his plan with Lucille.

We're going to sell that land to the government for Sitwell's wall, then I'm going to take that cash.

I am gonna mount a case that shows that my wife is not the power-hungry monster the SEC wants to make her out to be.

You're such a puny thinker.

-Am I puny-thinking again? -Sitwell's wall?

How about our wall? We build the wall.

We do have the plan.

He says he can build it for 200 million?

We offer to build it for 150 million and we make up the difference when we sell the land.

And I use that cash as a little stimulus for us.

Maybe a little something for the family.

And we build that sucker...

-That's my Georgie! -...five miles high.

Long. Five miles long.

I got nothing in my system but a maca-root cookie.

{\an8}You know, we can't look like we're in cahoots on this, especially with my trial coming up.

Yeah, that's right.

We have to separate our assets...

...to protect this.

To protect our love.

And that's how they came up with this.

-We're getting divorced! -Your mother and I are getting a divorce.

Which led to this...

You know what? I am done with this family.

I hope you've saved some money,

'cause you're gonna need every dime now. What's this?

But Michael wasn't the only one who was soon in a bolder place.

And yea, as if to be arisen, the third or fourth day with all the magic of...

Jesus Christ!

Sorry. Wasn't on there too good.

You okay?

Yeah, it's just part of my illusion for the wedding.

Yeah, what's the illusion?

That you actually love the bride?

Hey.

That's good patter.

Except for... I need people to root for the Jesus character.

I don't remember a passage where Jesus came out of a boulder.

Is it in there?

Oh, no, the boulder's my escape plan.

They think I'm somewhere else. I'm in the boulder.

But I didn't come here to talk about my magic act, Michael.

I came to ask you to be my best man...

...slash-assistant.

And then we'll walk through the act later.

-I mean, not now. -No, we're not going to,

'cause I'm out of the family.

Did you not get that when I announced it over at Mom's place?

I feel like I was out of the room at that point.

I am done with this family.

I hope you've saved some money 'cause...

Well, the gist of it was,

"You know what? I'm done with this family.

Hope you saved your money 'cause you're gonna need every last dime now."

Maybe you could be a centurion, kind of standing over

-where they think that I'll be. -I'm not going to be in the act.

A great promotion for the Bluth Company.

No, Bluth Company's done. I started my own,

Michael B. Company.

I have a bee company.

-You stole my idea? -I did not steal your...

We sell... It would take hours.

How's that going, by the way?

Not so good.

I've been keeping bees in my apartment.

I was using my magic smoke on them.

My bees are dropping like flies, and I need them to fly like bees.

And so I've got them at a bee hospital, which isn't cheap, which is another reason I need to be a famous magician.

Yeah, well, listen, you're with my son's ex, so I can't support the wedding.

What if I don't actually get married?

Is this an escape act you're running again?

What do you want from me?

Marriage is a lot of pressure, and she's not into it.

Meanwhile, I'm working out like crazy, my diet has become insane.

And this Jesus character, I mean, he was shredded!

Meanwhile, we have sex one time, and then she's just, you know, over it.

Lets herself go. Her stomach's out to here.

And that's when Michael finally explained to his brother

how to be a real man.

You know, your whole life is an escape act, and this girl seems like she really likes you.

Why don't you just try to work it out and just stop running...

Yeah, I know you're in the boulder.

[Gob] But how'd I get in the boulder?

On the next Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences...

No one from the Bluth family shows up for the wedding

Gob is planning to run away from.

I don't know what your surprise trick is, but I know it's going to be great.

And Ann helps Gob find acceptance.

And as for your family, you have a new family now.

I don't want these.