Home > Arrested Development

A Couple-A New Starts

[narrator] On the top of a hillside,

{\an8}deep in the mountains of Shuturmurg, India,

{\an8}sits a mystical retreat long sought out by those seeking answers...

[Lindsay] Is this real?

...to the questions that define us.

I mean, is any of this real?

How do I know what's real?

You see me before you, yes?

I am real to you.

And this bag next to me, it is as real as you or me.

[narrator] It was also known for their bargains on designer handbags.

No, I know that one's real. I meant the other one, the Louis Vuitton.

I don't remember Vuitton having two E's.

Lindsay Bluth had come to India for both reasons.

That's how they do it here. You can't go wrong.

-Best bag on the mountain. -I love this bag. I give you 64.

-It's the best bag on the mountain! -Lindsay's journey to the mountain top

had been brief, by spiritual sojourn standards.

You just bought the best bag on the mountain. Congratulations.

-Best bag on the mountain. -It had been only weeks

{\an8}since she heard the news that she wasn't born to the family she couldn't bear.

I'm adopted? Are you kidding me?

She took that news rather well.

Hey, we should do something for your 40th next week.

-And then heard some more that she didn't. -[Lindsay] Get your [bleep]!

She's almost 40!

And although she had a brief moment of comeuppance with her mother...

But I can't help but enjoy the irony that you might be losing three years off your life.

[narrator] She soon discovered that Lucille was a woman

who didn't like to be comeuppanced.

And you have no right to criticize me.

At least I was able to turn my Queen around.

-None taken. -[man] Hi, Tobias.

You cannot say one nice thing to your daughter, can you?

Adopted daughter.

And that's not true.

[Narrator] And perhaps that's when Lindsay

realized her mother would never accept her as one of her own.

[man] Can I have the Bluth family over here, please?

And over here, the victims of the Bluth family?

[narrator] And took her first steps away from the Bluth family.

Lindsay, you're going to the wrong area.

Kenny, Chet, Curtis, Mike, Bix, and Gator are over here.

We should be over here at the Bluth area with Gob and Buster and, uh... uh...

Your brother, uh...

-Michael? -Michael. Yes.

Sorry. I was thinking of Mike, the hot seaman.

No, where is Michael?

It doesn't matter. He's not my brother.

This isn't my family.

No, I've spent years...

Yes! Got my "Yes."

I got that big "Yes."

I've spent years trying to fit into this family, and it's not me.

My life is a fallacy.

♪ Oh, is that a gal I see? ♪

♪ No, it's just a fallacy! ♪

-[man] Yay! -We loved that. Where's that from?

[narrator] It's from nothing. But it made her realize this, too.

I don't know if there's a right time to say this, but this marriage of ours, it hasn't been working.

Yeah, there's nothing keeping us together.

It's time to give up our dreams if they're not working.

You know, your acting career, this marriage that everyone thinks is a sham because you're gay.

I'm sorry.

Everyone thinks I'm gay?

Well, I mean, it's kind of a running joke in the family.

I mean, you know that, right?

'Cause of the misleading way you talk sometimes.

You're saying the way I talk makes me sound gay?

When in the last year have I said anything remotely miss...

{\an8}♪ It's just a fallacy ♪

-...leading. -We're chasing things that aren't real.

And maybe we need to go out there and find out what we're meant to do.

I believe we're thinking the same thing.

-Yeah, we should end it. -Let's give it another shot.

To the head.  Kill it. Yes.

[narrator] Tobias sat with his wife's family, feeling lost.

["The Sound of Silence" plays]

Well, you look like I feel.

[narrator] And very misunderstood.

Gay?

No, I...

No.

Who--?

♪ Hello darkness, my old friend ♪

{\an8}[narrator] Now the story of what happened

{\an8}when the one man who was holding his family together

finally let go,

{\an8}and the separate journeys

{\an8}that eventually gave them no choice

but to come back together.

{\an8}It's Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences.

Lindsay was looking for inspiration in finding a new path.

{\an8}And it only took until the "pray" section of Eat Pray Love for her to find it.

{\an8}Soon, she was beginning a journey to reinvent herself.

{\an8}[scoffs] I'm doing it again.

{\an8}I have to let go of these material things.

{\an8}[narrator] To leave the trappings of her old life

and try to live with less.

[sighs]

{\an8}Her immersion into Indian culture

{\an8}began even before reaching the airport.

And so this daily prayer, it connects one to the whole.

{\an8}Yes, the whole of humanity. Yes.

{\an8}-Look at this guy, ah? -[tires squeel]

{\an8}-Stay in your lane, anus tart! -[honking]

{\an8}-[Bleep] anus tart! -God.

[narrator] And after an hour or so with SkyMall,

{\an8}where she was proud of herself for only buying two things,

a self-cleaning litter box in case she ever got a cat,

and an inflatable hat box in case she ever got a hat,

she got to a great article in the in-flight magazine

and found herself filling up with inner peace and acceptance.

{\an8}I mean, not right away.

{\an8}What is she doing back there?

[man groans]

{\an8}[narrator] Unfortunately, her journey to let go of her baggage

{\an8}got off to a bad start at baggage claim,

{\an8}when she picked up someone else's baggage...

while hers was picked up by this man.

{\an8}Yes, Tobias was confused about his identity as well,

{\an8}which is why he couldn't resist a book

{\an8}the universe had somehow placed in his path.

They're still reading it, but, well, I guess I can leave them some love.

[narrator] So he just took "Eat" and "Pray."

{\an8}"Eat" was easy, although it provided no cosmic answers for him.

{\an8}But it was the part about India that really got to him.

And so, like the heroine of Eat, Pray...

Tobias decided to get as far away from his wife as possible.

Coincidence.

{\an8}[Tobias and narator] And so Tobias found himself booking passage...

To India.

[narrator] And soon, he discovered his wife

was also preparing to go somewhere...

{\an8}I think you have my suitcase?

{\an8}[narrator] ...far away.

{\an8}I'm so sorry, Tobias. Look, I've already packed.

Can I just use this one?

Oh, what the heck!

{\an8}I guess having matching luggage isn't so romantic anymore.

And these romantic gestures are possibly why people think I'm a homosexual.

Well, it's time to correct old misconceptions.

And that is why I'm making a new start.

A new start. Filled with compassion and love.

I like that.

Well, I've already got the license plate, so go cry in your pie!

[narrator] And so Tobias, hoping to straighten out his image,

set out on a new start.

Beginning with a trip to the airport

in an outfit he pretty much put together himself.

I guess this is why you never see them driving convertibles.

[narrator] I'll have to check on that one.

-But it certainly wasn't embraced... -Look at this guy, ah?

-Stay in your lane, anus tart! -[Bleep] anus tart!

...by the local Indian community.

You know, you sense the oneness in all.

And they have normal toilets, right?

[narrator] And his quest hit a bump early on,

as he struggled to learn the customs

and gestures of the culture he hoped to adopt.

Oh, God damn it! Am I the only one who still dresses to fly?

{\an8}Well, there we go. India clean.

Now, how did I...

[narrator] Unfortunately, recreating the look

of the traditional Indian garb...

-Are you finished? Oh! -...turned out to be more difficult...

I look like one of those hot guys from Spartacus.

...without the aid of Pradeep, the helpful Indian salesman...

I feel like there was less up top.

...who helped him learn how to tie...

-Ah, I've got it. Okay, that's-- -[garment tears]

Yes, I actually like this better.

[narrator] But he figured he'd wait a beat on finding his true calling

and watch something to take his mind off Lindsay...

How could they not have Failure to Launch? It's an airplane.

What is she doing back there?

[narrator] And after taking the wrong bag at the airport,

Tobias finally arrived in India...

And so Tobias Funke embarked on a... Oh, dear Lord, it's...

[narrator] ...where he was very uncomfortable.

...hot! Oh!

[narrator] Not only because the wind whipped up his mini sarong...

I'm Never Nude!

Oh!

{\an8}...but because he looked the wrong direction

when stepping into the street.

Oh, my God. Did-- did we just hit something?

Shouldn't we stop?

No. It wasn't a cow.

It was just a tourist.

[laughter]

[narrator laughs]

[narrator] And this was how Lindsay's path to living with less...

This isn't my--

How am I supposed to find out who I really am dressed like this chick?

[narrator] ...took a brief detour into a shopping spree

-...at India's famous Mall Mountain. -It's cute on me.

But I thought it was supposed to say "Kate."

Oh, no, anything under a small is considered a David Spade.

I love this jacket. I'll give you 60 for it.

[narrator] And the spiritual experience would have to wait

until she got back to the hotel.

Best coat on the mountain.

[narrator] While Tobias' journey

saw nothing more than the inside of a hospital room,

where the staff was being trained by the same doctor he'd had in America.

This man here broke his skull in two places.

Once outside the airport and once in the elevator when his sheet got caught and he was pulled off his gurney.

-[narrator] Literally. -[laughter]

My name is Tobias...

-Oh! -[thuds]

Now I've broken my skull in a third place.

On this elephant-guy statue.

-[narrator] That's when the universe... -[laughter]

You should be a comedy actor.

...gave Tobias a really sweet compliment.

This is the sign that I've been... [retching]

...looking for.

-But Lindsay's search would continue... -Hi, uh...

Were you able to book my 3:00 shaman?

...until she could answer some hard questions.

Oh, yes. Did you want the deep wisdom or just a light ego cleanse?

We do those by the pool.

There's a pool?

It's hard to tell because there are so many people in it, but yes, it is a pool.

Oh, yeah. And, uh... do you think you can get someone to remove the smell of lamb from my room?

Of course. And which animal smell would you prefer?

Which do you prefer?

[narrator] And soon, she got a deeper treatment than she had hoped for.

You are living a life without love.

How do I learn to be happy? You know, to love?

When love is near, your heart will be happy.

You must live life truthfully.

Yeah, no, I do live truthfully, but I'm just so full of passion.

You are so full of [bleep].

Yeah, yeah.

Although, in my culture, "full of [bleep]" is kind of like a dig.

You'd never say it to a customer.

But yeah, no, I know what you mean.

This bag is as fake as you are.

Oh. Well, how do I learn?

Just look at the spelling.

-No, I-- -Pull your head out of the sand.

Love is where you left it.

You mean... back home?

The only person back home is Tobias.

You have no children?

[narrator] Lindsay thought she was being hit on.

No. Why do you ask?

Wait a minute. You're saying I've come halfway around the world to find out I need to go back home?

I haven't even gone to the beach yet.

[narrator] She had, it was just too crowded to see the water.

Excuse me, I'd like to talk to you about my shaman appointment.

Specifically, what is your policy on damaged--

I'm sorry. Your AmEx was declined. Your account is maxed out.

We had to cancel your shaman appointment.

No, no, I just talked to the shaman, just right back at...

Get out! Get out! Go away! Get out! Get out! Get out!

I'm sorry to yell at you, but as I said, it was declined.

So get out.

[narrator] But fortunately, the universe offered a solution

to her financial problem

that only required she go back on everything

she'd given up to find herself.

[Lucille] Oh, I've got money for you, sweetie,

but it means my loving daughter smiling next to her husband

sitting behind me at the trial.

Would you take a grimace?

[narrator] So it was with this dual intention

that she reached out to a husband she'd left behind,

with a new sense of inner peace.

Oh!

Although he wouldn't be able to reach the phone for hours...

-[Tobias] Leave a message! [beep] -I'm ready to make this work.

...due to his already weakened spine.

Lindsay shared the news of her epiphany at a family gathering

when they returned from their spiritual journey.

To get her hands on the stimulus money, too, right?

Stop with the prayer hands. It just looks like you're out of ideas.

Says the least spiritual man I know.

What deal did you strike with her? What part of her soul did you buy?

All I've asked is that she testify that I was a wonderful mother who did her best.

So all of it.

No, Michael. I'm not a whore.

I don't get any of the money until after I do the disgusting thing.

But I'm not here just for the stimmy.

I'm here because a shaman told me that love is where I left it.

Which, after much soul searching, and by process of elimination, is Tobias.

I got the part.

You know, it's funny, for I, too, find that I am on a journey.

Although, as we discovered when our MasterCard bill came back, it was the same one she took, but mine has confirmed that I should redouble my efforts to achieve the unachievable dream of being an actor.

A journey that has left me eager to connect with my true love.

Particularly if she finds her way clear to covering a 2,000-rupee City of Hopelessness hospital debt.

The trick is going to be getting anyone to believe that her husband is straight enough to have a true love that's a woman.

What are you implying?

Oh, I don't think there was any implying going on at all.

Didn't hear any implying.

-I wasn't implying. -I'm sorry, Mother.

It's just, I've got a bit of a stick up my bunghole about what I've now found is a running joke about me.

But let's be honest.

For 2,000 rupees, we'd both go down on Matthew McConaughey.

Yes, Michael?

[narrator] Two thousand rupees was $36.

I wouldn't.

So Lindsay and Tobias were making a new start as a family...

I'm done with this family...

...and Michael was making a new start without one.

...you're gonna need every dime now. What's this?

{\an8}[narrator] But this time, under his own company name.

Maybe I can give you a tip. Might want to put a road up to this place.

[Michael] We paved the neighborhood.

Just waiting for the city to build a road to it.

[narrator] As Michael prepared to sell, the Funkes prepared to buy,

even though they'd have no money until after the testimony.

Ready to make a move?

As you can see, I'm ready for a lot that's new.

Oh! Good heavens!

Right! Well, this is a great area.

There's some wonderful surgi-centers nearby.

We're doing it. We're really doing this.

[James] Yes! We're gonna get you in the right house.

And it's just the two of you? You have no children?

We don't.

We should be honest here. We have no income flow.

No incoming income flow. We have plenty of outgoing income.

No savings, no credit.

I mean, we had some stimmy, but that went to his hospital bills.

-But there's one thing we do have... -Work ethic!

Right. No work ethic. But there's one thing we do have, we do have a daughter.

I was just on auto-pilot before when I said we didn't.

I should have caught that, yeah, but...

I could've spoken up, but I just wanted to see if you guys got there.

Well, you guys seem like a great family.

We have to be realistic. I'm in the real estate business.

It's 2006.

That's all good enough for me.

We're gonna put you in a NINJA loan.

"No income, no jobs, no assets."

And you don't have to pay a penny for two years.

Oh, NINJA, please!

So we'll take something cozy and intimate.

-A one-bedroom. -Or bigger.

How about something nice? A three-bedroom?

-Three does sound bigger. -Oh, it definitely is.

[narrator] You have to remember that this was a time

when banks were eager to create as much debt as possible.

The five-bedroom, four-car garage.

And I know that you guys are gonna be okay with just one master bathroom, because a lot of people do prefer two.

You know, they like to just have it.

Maybe separate, so we have it.

-So we have it. That way we have it. -That way you have it.

Do you think we really need one?

I'm just gonna interrupt for a second. You don't need a wine cellar if you want to do wine tastings in your butler's kitchen.

I mean, this really isn't what we discussed.

Well, we didn't discuss any of this, but yes,

-I guess, that way, we have it. -Well, yeah...

That way, you'll definitely have it.

And then once you have it, that way you'll have it.

But do we need a gatehouse?

I just put John Beard into a house with a double gatehouse.

Now, that's John Beard, he's on television.

No one's gonna look down on you just 'cause you have less than John Beard.

-Is this crazy? -I think so.

-We'll take the double gatehouse. -Is that what you thought?

-That way, we'll have it. -We have it.

And that way, you have it.

[narrator] There was a lot of this going on back then.

This way, we have it.

That way, you'll have it!

Good point!

[narrator] And Tobias began pursuing the life of an actor.

I'm an actor. You're an agent. You do the math.

I want you to represent me.

In other words, you do the math. The money, the negotiating.

You know I'm not that kind of agent, right?

I'm a real estate agent. I'm a predator.

I sell giant houses to very poor people who can't afford them with predatory loans.

That's the money stuff I don't understand.

All you need do is tell people what a terrific actor I am,

'cause I can't do it believably. What do you say?

Sounds like it shouldn't be too much work.

Huzzah!

[narrator] And soon, this out-of-work actor

and his enlightened wife

were starting their life in their new home.

The Funkes were finally in a family home...

Maeby, you're gonna be late for school.

[narrator] And what they lost in coziness...

God, they grow up so slowly.

...they made up for in cavernous...

-And the robot's dead again. -...unfurnished space.

Poor little guy.

Ran out of juice before he could reach his...

[door closes]

[narrator] But to pay it off,

Lindsay made an effort to work on her testimony...

"When I was cold, she clothed me, when I was hungry, I..."

[chuckles]

Go on.

You don't want me to say this next part, do you?

I think it tells the story.

But am I accidentally being funny, or am I purposely being funny?

It's not supposed to be funny.

"Suckled at her champagne glass breasts" isn't a joke?

Buster wrote it.

Recently?

{\an8}"I miss you, Mommy. Camp is scary at times.

When I was cold, you clothed me. When I was hungry..."

Uh... How do I say this?

Suckled at your champagne glass breasts.

Oh, that's good.

It doesn't matter. I'll be proofing it anyway.

Just read the copy. You're getting paid for this.

No. You know what? The money is not important to me.

My shaman said...

Oh, don't give me that mystical nonsense.

You think you're better than I am, but you're a lot more like me than you think you are.

Now, let's take it from,

"I hope she gives me bubble baths forever."

And I want to smell the suds.

Make the jury wet.

[narrator] While Tobias, at his new agent's suggestion,

even snuck onto studio lots to hand out headshots to extras

-and other show business insiders. -Taft-Hartley pending.

And so Tobias and Lindsay,

who had each asked the universe for a new start,

only to disregard that and chase the same things

that had made them unhappy to begin with,

soon found out the universe wouldn't be ignored.

{\an8}The collapse of the California housing market

{\an8}is taking a personal toll...

-Oh-oh. -...with cutbacks here at the station.

In addition, I'm leaving the keys to my 10,000-square-foot home

in Harbor Shallows here on the desk...

Well, it probably shouldn't affect our area.

He's over by where the fountain is.

Might I say to them,

good luck getting that [bleep] raccoon smell out of the gatehouse,

because I never could.

But you and I are okay, right?

I mean, this works, right?

Never better.

{\an8}[narrator] On the next

{\an8}Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences...

Michael also has a hard time hearing the news,

mostly because the main internet information cable had been severed

when the community pool was installed.

And Michael is left in a ghost town he himself built.

Well, that's not a great sign.

[caws]

This is why you don't confide in a competitor.

[caws]