Home > Arrested Development

Just Deserters

[narrator] It was over a hundred degrees on the border of California and Mexico.

[birds squawking]

But that was nothing compared to the temperature

inside George Sr.'s desert sweat lodge...

So... hot.

[narrator] Where he had gathered a group of CEOs...

So... hot.

[narrator] ...with the promise of spiritual enlightenment...

Anybody hallucinating yet?

Anybody else hear that iguana speak?

[narrator] ...as a stepping stone to financial empowerment.

-Let's kill it. -Okay.

They're ready.

[narrator] Of course, there were certain occupational hazards.

Easy. I'm not a...

-Kill the iguana. -I'm not an iguana.

Kill the iguana.

-It's part of the process. -Die, iguana.

They're ready. They're ready!

{\an8}[narrator] Now the story of what happened

{\an8}when the one man who was holding his family together

finally let go,

and the separate journeys that eventually gave them no choice

but to come back together.

It's Arrested Development:

{\an8}Fateful Consequences.

{\an8}George Sr. was getting ready to motivate his gathered CEOs

{\an8}after a narrow brush with death at the hands of a Frito-Lay executive.

{\an8}[man] Whoo! Yeah!

{\an8}Now, that was the most invigorating session yet.

{\an8}I feel good. You feel good?

{\an8}I got you.

{\an8}You know, guys, even I, Father B, when I first started these sweat lodges,

{\an8}I would come out of there thinking, "Oh, God, I wish I had a lemonade,"

{\an8}just like a child. You know, cold water, some lemons, a little sugar, you know?

{\an8}That's what I gave my power to.

{\an8}Can we have the teaching pitcher, please, Heartfire?

{\an8}Hey, guys, this is Heartfire. She is silent, but in that silence...

{\an8}there is strength.

She needs no words to communicate to you.

{\an8}[man] Fraud.

Boundless power to you too, Heartfire.

{\an8}Hell, I was so weak, you guys, I was willing to spend $10,000.

{\an8}Just a... little... sip...

{\an8}of this lemonade.

{\an8}But now I can spend two hours in brutal heat with a cup of this cold, refreshing lemonade

-and just pour it in the dirt. -No!

Come on, Daniels! You ran Bear Stearns, for God's sake!

I was like this.

Just like this.

Then I went to the desert to seek answers and now...

I have them.

[narrator] Actually, George Sr. had purchased this part of the desert

{\an8}as part of a scheme he shared with his wife

on the first day of her house arrest.

{\an8}I can get this land for a song.

{\an8}Are you listening to me?

So are those cameras, George.

{\an8}We can't use the same cameras from when he was under house arrest?

These are from the maritime penal system.

They make us use the waterproof ones.

In here.

[narrator] And he laid out his plan to sell the land to the government,

but Lucille had grander plans.

Sitwell's wall? How about our wall?

We build the wall.

We offer to build it for 150 million and we make up the difference when we sell the land.

So that one's all set. Can I put one up there?

Only if you want to see the sexiest video you've ever seen. Oh!

{\an8}Sorry I gave you the old noodle stab in there...

[narrator] And soon it was decided that George Sr. should move out

in order to make their fake divorce look real.

This fake divorce has gotta look real.

After the trial you can move back in.

It's only a trial separation.

You think you're going to be okay alone with Buster?

[narrator] It was a reasonable question,

as Buster had shown a greater attachment to her

than many expected during the few days she had been away.

This is the same scene I came back to after Cancun four years ago.

[narrator] But once she was back, they had some nice moments.

[man on TV] This hot mess...

[narrator] Like when they simultaneously stumbled on a term

they both secretly recognized...

"Hot mess."

[narrator] Would be useful in their future disagreements.

[woman on TV] Hot mess.

"Hot mess."

If I need a moment to myself, I'll step out on the balcony.

Your ankle bracelet's gonna go off.

So I'll make him stand on the balcony. He's happiest when he feels useful.

That's why I'm making him my star witness.

[narrator] But soon it was getting harder for Lucille not to alienate her alibi.

This toast has hook holes... again!

I told you to get rid of that thing, it's hideous.

Plus, what's going to happen when they swear you in?

You're gonna rip the Bible in half.

The jury'll love that.

You're getting pretty snippy to your key witness, aren't you?

What do you want?

Maybe you could hook me up with a little stimmy.

A little stimmy.

Are you trying to do this?

Yes! And I want stimmy to get a hook that'll do that.

[narrator] When no such hook was available,

Lucille found another way to mollify her key witness.

Your mother and I are getting a divorce.

[narrator] But while Lucille and George pretended to have fallen out of love...

-I'm getting married. -Gob was pretending the opposite.

In fact, he was planning on using his wedding

to do one of his famous magical illusions,

and all of it was to be televised on one of those weird religious channels.

And although their plan was dealt a minor setback

when Michael sold the controlling shares to Lucille 2...

You know what? I am done with this family.

I hope you've saved some money,

'cause you're gonna need every dime now.

[narrator] All they had to do was keep their plan a secret from her

and cash in quickly.

4:28 in the morning here in the OC. I'm John Beard.

Well, there was some more grim economic news today.

The housing prices continue to plummet

and the economists say it may take quite some...

What are you doing?

I'm John Beard, and I'm a Gloomy Gus.

I don't have a mustache.

[narrator] And the government put the wall project on hold.

It can't be on hold.

They already gave me the money to start the building.

No!

I cannot live off of that.

No, I already used that money as the down payment of six square miles of desert

I cannot afford to make payments on!

Oh, God. Sorry, Norman.

What?

-Nothing. -Hey, brother. You seem tense.

Come with me to the sweat lodge, sweat out this frustration. You can learn on this.

[narrator] And perhaps it was a sense of futility,

or the fact he hadn't brought a book to the desert,

but George Sr. chose to enter the small, smoke-filled room

while his wife was also confined to a smoke-filled room,

having found a way around the building's strict no-smoking policy...

[man on TV] What is it about that lady?

[narrator] And the fact that her ankle monitor prevented her

from approaching the balcony.

I went down to the club and I--

[man] ...slender and long, even her cigarette.

Allure's Slender Long smokes.

Slender and long, smooth and stylish.

My food was gone and I couldn't...

That restaurant, typically, has a really nice--

Allure Slender Long smokes.

Aromatically finished with the Type 3 slender tip.

Lively, stylish and now.

Can’t really remember the host’s name, but he was… he was kind of in his 60s.

...designed to be modern, extra slender,

with the stylish taste of where she's going,

never where she's been.

Slender tipped,

smooth and stylish.

-Lady, that's Allure. -I have to stop.

So... I've...

But I finally just ordered the strawberry shortcake, like I said,

-but I didn’t wanna... -♪ Lady Allure ♪

-[man] What is it about that lady? -Please...

[narrator] Meanwhile, in George Sr.'s sweat lodge,

a solution to his problems was emerging as well...

Kind of hot, huh?

I'd give $10,000 for a glass of lemonade right now.

[narrator] In the form of a vision.

Sweat... and squeeze.

-♪ Lady Allure ♪ -It was to be a sweat 'n' squeeze.

Dr. Norman? Dr. Norman, we have a hot mess.

[man] That's Allure.

[narrator] George Sr. had been passed out for two days after having a vision,

but soon he was out of his heat-induced coma

and working on making his vision a reality.

...and squeeze.

[narrator] It was to be a retreat where he could be a preacher of profit

to other type-A executives like himself.

This whole area here, this is going to be visitor yurts.

Oh, and we're gonna need industrial-sized juicers!

[narrator] He went to work constructing a seminar...

Change that into, "Let's get our checkbooks..."

[narrator] Much of which he borrowed

from his brief stint as a Jewish-y guru while in prison.

-[man] Caged Wisdom library... -Read that back to me, please.

[narrator] This time he needed to be actually ordained as a religious preacher

-to avoid tax implications. -Lemonade!

But fortunately there was an online school for that.

[man] Question three...

[narrator] But business really took off

when an article about George Sr.'s operation

appeared in an exclusively first-class in-flight magazine.

And soon the retreat was up and running,

and George Sr. was determined to create the illusion

of a first-class experience.

Did you want the partial bush or broken gate view?

Are you afraid of lizards, bats, tarantulas, the Wall Street Journal or the New York Times?

I'm sorry, those are your newspaper choices.

-Have a hot day. -[narrator] Which is why,

along with never having intended to go in the first place,

he missed his son's wedding.

[Ann] I know it's bad luck to see me in my gown before the wedding.

Well, hopefully I haven't.

You're angry.

Why, because none of my family has shown up and the only person I recognize out there is Tony Wonder, who has only shown up hoping that I'd fail?

-[narrator] But one Bluth did show up. -Tobias!

-Gob! -Sort of.

-Thanks for coming. -Well, how could I not?

I'm playing Roman centurion number two. What are you playing?

-I'm the groom! -I didn't know there was a groom part.

Betty at And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You casting

-told me this was all biblical. -Wait, you're not here for the wedding?

Well, thank you very much for your vote of confidence.

I'll have you know I've worked for the Miracle Network a number of times.

-[narrator] He had. -[woman] Coming up next,

{\an8}Father Marsala's searing docudrama, Father Marsala's John The Baptist,

{\an8}then the anti-abortion drama Embryo Dan: It Would Have Been A Wonderful Life.

{\an8}And later, break out the bagels:

{\an8}it's time for Father M's light-hearted comedy

{\an8}A Jew Came To Dinner.

{\an8}I hate to be the guy who quotes his own reviews, but His Word magazine... called my Jew "pitiful."

[narrator] And soon it was time for Gob to take the small, moist Ann

-of his girlfriend hand. -...we're all blessed to be gathering here at the Church of the Holy Eternal Rapture.

We have almost arrived at that glorious moment where we join together these two very special people, but first my almost son-in-law has something he'd like to share with all of us, so... ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy a magical... trick.

Thanks for that killer intro.

It's true. This is a magical trick...

-[man] What is he doing? -...if what Jesus did was a trick.

[gasping]

I say it wasn't.

It was an illusion.

They did not like that one.

I don't take notes from you, centurion... number two.

Just turn this thing around.

I am not the real Jesus.

I am the Amazing Jesus!

No? I thought that that would be up your... alley.

Yes, the real Jesus came off the cross and went into his cave... a dead man.

But was he crazy enough to do it... handcuffed?

-Handcuff the King of the Jews! -You don't have words here...

Pastor Veal, if you don't mind, please go up into the cave and assure everyone that there's no way to escape, no trap doors, no secret compartments, no way to get out, thank you very...

Pastor Veal, let me remind you that you are in a church in front of your daughter, the congregation, God.

You cannot tell a lie.

Nothing out of the ordinary?

-No, I didn't see anything. -Yes.

Jesus went into the cave, and he arose three days later.

But I'm not gonna lock myself in a cave for three days before this wedding ceremony, no. No, no, no.

I plan on beating his record by two full weeks!

[narrator] But Gob wasn't working on an endurance act.

I don't remember a biblical passage where Jesus came out of a boulder.

[narrator] He was working on an escape act...

I'm in the boulder.

[narrator] And he was planning on deserting his bride...

-No, I said... -...instead of marrying her.

But Gob was not able to open the secret compartment

-that contained the handcuff key. -It's not gonna work.

Okay, this isn't gonna work. Let's do mouse in drink.

Just get these people some drinks, we'll just get a mouse. No, no, no.

You know not what you do!

[narrator] But it very clearly said in the centurions' script

to ignore the magician's protests,

which meant that, still handcuffed...

But if my hands are handcuffed I'll never...

[narrator] Gob was unable to break his fall and was therefore knocked unconscious,

and as the Gob dummy was sealed inside the cave,

the real Gob's fate was sealed as well.

Well, I guess... we'll wait two weeks... and see if he's in there.

Is that okay with you, Ann?

He's not coming back.

[narrator] Gob was stuck inside  a fake boulder in the parking lot of a church,

while inside the church, the daily routine proceeded as usual,

and the anticipation grew to a fevered pitch.

Eleven exciting days...

-although nothing's really happened. -Day 11.

Once he gets out, it's going to be a beautiful, beautiful wedding.

He's not coming back.

[narrator] It was Betty from And As It Is Such, So Also As Such Is It Unto You

that would render Gob's escape act a disaster.

You gotta get rid of this thing. I got Ms. Murray's trailer here.

I guess if he comes back from the dead, we could just get a stepladder.

-Guys. -[narrator] And a hoarse, weakened Gob

was unable to stop them as the boulder was shipped to a storage unit

in Tustin.

{\an8}Although a keen eye could see that Gobs alive,

{\an8}but not well, confined in his rock.

Lucille wasn't faring much better while she was locked up,

despite Buster trying to pass the time...

Chinchilla!

[narrator] ...by playing games like "Guess the Fur."

The one you got after Dad had the affair with the chubby intern from Riverside.

You win again, Buster.

I know what's gonna stump you.

Close your eyes tight and plug your ears.

Just plug one ear and press the other one to the couch.

[narrator] But after three months,

Lucille was ready to desert her youngest son.

Stop! Mother!

No, Mother!

If the alarm goes off and they catch you, they'll take you away forever!

I can't take it anymore. I have to get out of here!

I don't care. I can't keep playing "Guess My Fur" six times a day!

I need a smoke.

Right to the smokes, huh?

Give me a minute, let me catch my breath.

[narrator] But if Buster was being taken advantage of,

it paled in comparison to what Ann would experience

after waiting two full weeks.

Let's have some fun, from five, four...

-Three, two, one... -The dead will walk amongst us.

No, he shan't, for he-eth not here.

-I knew it. -[Tobias] Oh, there's a note.

"If I have not yet returned, I am in the rapture."

Oh, and then it says...

"Love each other."

What does he think we've been doing?

I loaned him $1,000.

A loaned him a thou-- [choking]

[gasping]

{\an8}♪ Forgive us ♪

[narrator] Only George Sr. appeared to be free,

as within weeks his sweat 'n' squeeze was thriving and very simple.

First he sweated away his acolytes' defenses.

Come on, Daniels! You ran Bear Stearns, for God's sake!

I was like this. Then I went to the desert to seek answers and now...

I have them.

[narrator] And then it was time for the squeeze.

And for another 15 grand, you can have them, too.

I'll teach you how to get yachts,

I'll teach you how to get penthouses and how to get something for yourself, by taking it from someone who thinks it's his.

Does it come with lemonade?

It comes with all the lemonade you can drink.

-[narrator] Squeeze" had two meanings. -Who's in?

And although the seminar was largely a ruse,

his stamina in overcoming

the depleting effects of the sweat lodge...

Hey!

Hey!

-[narrator] ...was also a ruse. -Did you bring me some lemonade?

No, sir. It is crazy out there.

For the first time, we are out. Look what I brought you, Mr. Oscar.

Fifty bucks, your half.

Oh. You know, I feel bad... taking this. All I did was sit and sweat.

[narrator] Which is why it seemed that Father B was so resilient

to the depleting effects of the sweat lodge.

Whoo! Yeah!

Now that was the most invigorating session yet.

Hey, buddy!

Come on, it's happening.

You know? We're helping people.

If I could give you just one note,

-a little energy. Let's go. -[narrator] If George hadn't discovered

that people can be pushed too far...

-I can't sleep in my own bed... -...Lucille was certainly about to.

-Buster, I'm going to exhale. -No, please.

I've had, like, seven in the past half-hour.

You're not the one staring five years in the face.

Right now I'm staring at a hundred years in the face!

How dare you?

Would you mind?

Be careful, defendant.

Remember who you're talking to.

It sure would be a shame if something happened to your pretty little key witness.

Star witness and are you threatening yourself?

Maybe I am.

You need me just as much as I need you, cookie.

Oh, really?

'Cause you can be replaced, you know.

-[narrator] Can she? -And even if you can't, you're not the boss of me.

Can I go to the-- I'm going to the park!

[narrator] And perhaps Buster would have returned

to make sure his mother had her star witness...

Oh, Buster! Hello!

Hello to you too, 2.

[narrator] Had he not run into someone else Lucille antagonized.

-Look at all this produce. -I'm juicing now.

-Would you like to join me? -It's two o'clock in the afternoon.

Honey, it's eight a.m. somewhere.

Oh, I forgot. Your mother wouldn't allow it.

I don't care what she wa--

I don't care what she wants.

I don't do everything she tells me.

[narrator] And that's how Buster joined a family of deserters...

Let's get juiced.

[narrator] And also got to have dessert.

{\an8}On the next Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences...

Lucille decides to take a few keepsakes with her in case things don't go her way.

And discovers that the family she thought would support her

had actually already begun giving up her stuff in case she lost.

And he's supposed to be the good one.

This does not bode well for tomorrow.

[narrator] And Gob ultimately gets to appear on TV after all.

It's a masker.

Jesus, there's a man in there.

[narrator] Just not the show he wanted.

Let's get the bidding started at $100. Anybody?

-Nope! -He's hissing.