Home > Arrested Development

A Trial Run

[narrator] On the day of Lucille's trial for her various crimes at sea,

and in the crab restaurant that served as the maritime court room...

The defense calls to the oyster bar thing where they sit: the adopted daughter, Lindsay Bluth.

Lucille was questioning the wisdom

of threatening to withhold payment for her daughter's testimony.

Have you seen Lindsay Bluth?

It was a threat that affected Lindsay's husband Tobias as well,

{\an8}as they had just purchased a family home...

{\an8}What's this? Mother's not going to pay?

...they could neither afford...

She said she'd only pay me if my testimony is believable, but--

Lindsay!

...nor find each other in.

How am I supposed to say something like, "I love you, Mother," and sound believable?

Oh, Jesus...

Jesus C. Penney!

You know, I wish I had the luxury of not sounding believable, but that's not an option for an out-of-work actor, is it?

Or it's why you're out of work!

Well, I beg one's pardon, but I have been dying to go to that method acting clinic that I see on my nightly drives, but you won't let me.

Because you already wasted all that money on Carl Weathers' Master Acting Class.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm such a starving [bleep]

...that I didn't pay attention to anything he said.

Oh, well then, maybe I should go to your method acting class to make my testimony more believable.

That's actually a good idea. Maybe you could-- Oh.

Yes.

Well, perhaps we should go together.

Yeah, it might be good for us as a couple.

I do hope so.

I really want to make this work.

Me, too.

I really love you, Tobias.

Oh, Lindsay, we have got to get you to that acting clinic.

That was with me picturing fudge.

Fudge.

{\an8}Now the story of what happened

{\an8}when the one man who was holding his family together

finally let go

{\an8}and the separate journeys that eventually gave them no choice

but to come back together.

{\an8}It's Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences.

{\an8}To bond with her husband and prepare for her testimony,

{\an8}Lindsay had decided to attend an acting class with Tobias.

{\an8}This is the first time I've done something like this with you.

{\an8}I think I always looked down on it.

{\an8}Lindsay, I think you'll find that some of what used to seem clueless about me

{\an8}is actually something I'm quite good at.

{\an8}This... is where I belong.

{\an8}If you're new here, you need to go to the window.

{\an8}Fill out this form first.

There's some personal questions on it like how you first got hooked.

{\an8}That's an easy one. You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

No, Mame.

{\an8}No, ma'am? You're a Good Ma'am... You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

{\an8}-Gypsy. -You come up here and be as truthful as possible.

{\an8}They're starting the monologues. I think this is from Songs for my Father.

What did you say the name of this acting class was again?

Method One Clinic.

{\an8}Okay, I'm gonna go get a coffee.

Garden Grove Method One Clinic.

{\an8}And that's when Tobias became entranced

{\an8}by what he first thought was a Carol Channing impersonator...

{\an8}I made it in that movie, The Fantastic Four.

{\an8}...but soon recognized to be an actress with a brief movie career.

{\an8}It was fantastic for me.

I got carried away and I'm like, "This [bleep] is [bleep] up.

{\an8}And I'm gonna get my [bleep] together or I'm gonna be [bleep] up, too."

{\an8}Anyways, now I'm sober and I'm trying...

...super-hard.

[group applauds]

It was a devastating and personal story.

Okay, notes.

First of all, it seemed you were slurring a bit there.

I just think you'd have so much more fun punching those words. Get it out there.

"This [bleep] is [bleep] up, sir!"

I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with the piece, so...

No, that's it.

But I am familiar with your work in The Fantastic Four, however.

-You've seen that? -Of course.

Twenty years earlier, DeBrie Bardeaux had played Sue Storm

in the low-budget version of The Fantastic Four,

produced by Imagine Entertainment.

I almost never get recognized as the Invisible Girl.

{\an8}I can't believe you saw me.

{\an8}Well, I thought it was "fantastic...

{\an8}...for" a threadbare production of Fantastic Four.

Actually, most of the performance that had so captivated Tobias

was performed by a bare thread.

This is the gayest Starbucks ever!

Did his fishing line break, too?

Well, my acting career is over.

Don't say that. You've got to say, "Keep the dream alive!"

That's what helps me.

This is what's helping me.

It's really good.

Here is to our acting addiction.

-Yep. -May we never be cured.

Are you crying?

I'm crying. Oh, it's a nosebleed.

Thank you so much.

Tobias had found a friend.

-You're neat! -You're neat.

-You're neat. -You're neat.

Lindsay had just discovered

that the Garden Grove Method One Clinic for Acting

was actually the Garden Grove Methadone Clinic for Methadone.

And she was reflecting on the shaman...

You are living a life without love because you only care about appearances.

...who had inspired her return to her husband.

Love is where you left it.

The only person back home is Tobias.

And was wondering if there was any wisdom in this at all...

It's not free trade and if it's not free trade, it's [bleep].

...when she noticed a man.

You don't look like a junkie.

You do. What do you weigh? Like 90 pounds?

That's so funny.

God, thank you, but no.

If I'm addicted to anything, it's alcohol.

I'm Lindsay. And you're...

Biteme.

I don't like giving my name to any state organizations, especially after I got kicked off the voter rolls.

I accidentally signed up for the wrong political group.

What group was that?

I don't even remember.

Just some guy in a booth on the boardwalk.

He joined al-Qaeda.

I only signed up because he was giving away a free beard brush.

That says "al-Qaeda" on it.

But maybe he thought it was the designer of the brush.

I'm Marky Bark.

Of the tree-freer Barks?

Marky was the son of Johnny Bark,

an activist that Lindsay had once helped save

and then kill a tree.

I remember thinking one day he was just gonna fall out of a tree and break his neck.

Whatever happened to him?

He fell out of a tree and broke his neck.

So are you here alone?

No, I'm with her.

Listen, the only time DeBrie can keep food down is for about 20 minutes after she comes crashing off the methadone.

Would you care to join us as we rustle up some grub to shove down our mouths?

I would like that very much.

It just so happens we're free today.

I'm not due in court until, like, eight bells.

The two couples headed off for lunch

despite the fact that the maritime clock has eight bells

at twelve o'clock in the forenoon

which was when Lucille discovered

that Lindsay wasn't the only Bluth who didn't show up for her trial.

Gob's excuse was equally compelling.

Gob had been involved in an escape act gone wrong

and wound up in a storage unit in Tustin.

And on the day of the trial, he awoke in a hospital,

happy to finally see a familiar shape.

You humiliated me.

You made a mockery of my religion and you ruined our wedding.

Our first fight.

And like all fights, you're a little right, I'm a little right.

I sold your cave on Craigslist.

So it was all worth it.

She unknowingly sold the cave to another Bluth

who missed the trial...

Okay, look up "large mud huts, can fit 20..."

...while purchasing a larger sweat lodge for the desert sweat 'n' squeeze

he was in the process of building.

Ship it.

But it was Lucille's son Buster

upon whom Lucille most relied as her star witness,

as it was his testimony that was to save Lucille's skin

from charges of stealing the Queen Mary.

Homosexuals kidnapped the boat and took it on a joyride, then she realized that her son fell off the boat and into the water and she went back.

And a fish swam by my ankle.

-That really happened. -And he'll be wearing his army uniform, so I can pretend I'm proud of him again.

I can't find my army uniform.

I thought the jury might like it if I show up as John John Kennedy.

Oh, yeah, that went over great last time.

And it was offensive. Half your testicle was hanging out of that thing.

Good!

I'm glad they saw it.

It was like a Motherboy ball, right?

Put on your new uniform with long pants and keep your ball joke to yourself, Andrew Dice Clay.

But tensions had mounted.

So you could see why I need the testimony of someone who's not a hot mess.

-You're a hot mess! -You're a hot mess!

And another mother-son spat...

I'm going to the park!

...sent Buster to the fruit-laden arms...

I'm juicing now. Would you like to join me?

...of Lucille's best frenemy, Lucille Two...

I forgot. Your mother wouldn't allow it.

...who knew what buttons to push.

Let's get juiced.

So there were no Bluths at all to testify on Lucille's behalf.

Any witness?

Please tell me you're working on a strategy for us.

It's us now. Well, we have Lucille Austero.

She's the only one who showed. I don't think that is good for us.

Nonsense. She owns the company now. She's got as much to lose as I do.

And she's a dear friend.

I'll do it myself, though. I need this to go well.

And so it was Lucille who did the questioning of her new star witness,

although she was clearly green at screening witnesses.

Thank you for coming to be my witness.

You're such a large shareholder...

I've made a pun!

How could I not do it for my oldest friend?

Now I've gone and done a double.

A double like your pre-surgery chin.

Or your post-breakfast drink.

I wish you'd come to my rehab clinic.

But anything to help that Keystone Cop family of yours.

Keystone Cops?

Your references are as fresh as the wallpaper in the room of that pretend child you've had all these years.

-But my friend-- -I shouldn't joke.

None of your family showed up, you poor thing.

This is such a black mark on all of you.

You should know about black marks.

Your pillow must look like a Rorschach test.

Not that there'd be anyone to see it.

So as I was saying...

But unfortunately, their 30-year passive-aggressive dance

was losing some of its passive.

As if everybody in this room couldn't tell how jealous and conniving you are, my dear Lucille Austero.

What I knew was that you were stealing for years. We all did.

That's why nobody was surprised when you stole that boat.

And I knew you couldn't wait to get your liver-spotted claws into my company.

Says the woman whose liver can be spotted from outer space.

-No further questions! -No further answers!

Am I done?

That's got to be our treasure chest.

You think it went well?

I do.

Tobias and Lindsay drove to meet their new friends for lunch.

They are such a neat couple.

Are they neat? It's so fun to have another couple to go out with.

He's amazing. He's so passionate about real issues.

He's a real activist, like me.

And she's a real actress, like me.

She used to be in big movies, but then, like a lot of actors, the teeth go.

But she is the perfect age to be a Hollywood actress.

42.

Is that all?

Oh, I think this is the place. It's a barter restaurant.

Marky doesn't believe in money.

-Do I like barter? -No, it means they don't deal with money.

That's why I swiped that methadone tray.

What interesting friends we've made!

I think this is exactly what our marriage needed.

Buster wasn't feeling so good as he awoke hours later than he intended.

Well, that was a freebie.

Mother's trial!

Key witness coming through.

I'm a key...

[soldier] Play that song in the drizzling rain.

[soldiers] Play that song in the drizzling rain.

And Lindsay and Tobias joined their new friends at C.W. Swappigan's,

a chain that had sprung up after the economic collapse.

We are like a Salvation Army meets a soup kitchen, meets a gastro pub, meets a Marxist or Leninist type social structure.

These are things that you can order and these are things that we will accept.

As you see on the bottom, we don't have the fish and we're not taking any more lava lamps.

I can see this one's got that deer-in-the-headlights look.

Oh, no, he just took some methadone.

He thought he was driving with a cocktail tray.

Speaking of that, how about mozzarella sticks for the table?

Cocktail tray, light scratching, for mozzarella sticks!

Six, no sauce.

And maybe some sparkling water for the table.

I'm sorry, sir. We're no longer taking hotel soaps.

This is fun.

It's just so refreshing to meet people with real passion about changing the status quo.

Lindsay and I don't have a single friend.

Is the food here yet?

I'm not hungry, but...

[man] No cheese!

-Look, it's butter! -DeBrie...

That's our butter. We were gonna swap it for dessert.

But Tobias interpreted this as method one acting.

No, she's improvising.

Yes, ma'am. You seem to be liking that butter substitute at Swappigan's.

Yes, and what else could you swap for?

Yes, and...

Oh, God.

Oh, I'm out. She's too good.

I don't know who my guy is. I don't have a guy.

No, she just likes butter. Let's get you cleaned up.

Marky, I'll take her. You two just got here.

Have a chat about. I'll clean her up.

-I'm sorry. -Don't be.

I love it here.

My mother would hate this place.

Lindsay, I have to tell you, when I first met you,

I thought you were one of those typical, uptight, snobby, Newport Beach, vapid

[shouts] nut-busters!

One of those monsters that lives in a 10,000 square-foot house that they destroyed the wetlands for.

Those were wetlands?

That explains our Thanksgiving miracle.

{\an8}What do you mean, you didn't make dinner?

I didn't realize it was Thursday. There's got to be something here.

Get it!

Chase it into the oven!

Here, little ducky.

{\an8}-That's a good duck. -Good duck.

In you go.

This is going to be the greatest Thanksgiving ever.

I actually do live in a fairly large house right now.

But we've never made a payment on it.

So you're sticking it to big banking?

Yes.

In fact, I'm only in America because a shaman told me that love would come to me when I accepted who I am and didn't run away.

Sounds like a good shaman.

He was the house shaman at The Four Seasons, Mumbai, so you figure he's got to be pretty good.

And he turned into an ostrich at the end.

They're not gonna have that at the Embassy Suites.

That's funny. I actually run an ostrich farm.

[woman] ♪ Coincidence... ♪

That's not a coincidence.

♪ Yes, it is ♪

Marky, I've got to tell you, talking about these social issues, it's the first time I've felt like myself in a really long time.

That's because I say what I mean, I do what I feel. No lies.

Lindsay felt guilty because she had lied to her mother

in her promise to testify at a trial she now knew she'd miss.

That's why my motto is, "Live truthfully and skate through life."

Marky felt guilty because truthfully, it wasn't his motto.

It was the motto of a surf and skateboard company.

Live truthfully. Skate through life.

That's amazing.

I haven't felt this deep a connection with someone in a long, long time.

Other than DeBrie.

I can't believe we just did that.

I can't believe how little give your teeth have.

So where do you keep your ostriches?

And that's when Lindsay ran off for a try at a new life.

And Lucille waited after being tried for her old one.

-Have you heard anything? -Well, our cashier's pregnant.

And she's not married.

I mean about me.

Oh, you're guilty. Three to five.

Lindsay ran off to a life she felt was her destiny

and the new lovers discovered each other,

the beautiful female body, the horrible male.

Wow, that was so... fast.

Thanks, but I didn't know how long we'd be stuck in traffic, so...

And it sounds like it's moving.

Move it!

-Come on! Let's go! -Careful!

And as they drove, they learned so much about each other.

I was always just in such a rush to grow up and change this world.

Foolishly, the teeth I pulled were my adult teeth.

I mean, they're just chewing tools. I don't care about looks.

But you find me pretty though, right?

No. I have no idea what you look like.

I have this condition called face blindness.

I mean, I can tell you're a woman.

Oh, stop!

But honestly, no, all I see is, like, eyes and nose, you know, hair, ears and...

You know, my shaman told me I should stop caring about appearances.

You know, my whole life, that's all anyone has ever praised, all my mom ever cared about.

Because I'm really pretty.

I just thought I'd tell you that so the story made sense.

I don't care.

But I guess it's kind of karma that I ended up with someone who wanted to make love to me no matter what I look like.

I also wanted to make sure you weren't a dude.

I can tell with voices usually, but some guys, they'll fool you if that's what they want to do.

Hey.

Are you smiling at me?

Buster wasn't smiling either

when he finally made it to the food courthouse.

-Is it over? -No, the crab fest just started.

Oh, ma'am, is there a verdict in the "my mother stole the Queen Mary" thing?

It's all up on the dailies board.

The fish is frozen here. It's frozen!

Do you really want to spend $30 on frozen fish?

Buster! Where were you? This is all your fault!

-I was making a bed, two beds-- -Save it!

I can smell the cran-apple on you from here.

When are you coming home?

I'm serving three to five.

I hope your juicy blender-bender was worth it.

Don't come to visit me because I won't see you.

And good luck with your night terrors.

Now no one will be there to hear your screams!

Won't miss it!

Where do I go?

What do I do? Where do I go?

Where did you get that pirate hat?

And as Buster contemplated a new start,

Lindsay let her husband know

that their new start had reached a newer end.

I left. I guess you noticed.

But I'm sorry. I really do care about you, Tobias.

But we were trying to save something that just couldn't be saved.

And I have to follow my shaman's advice.

I have to be true to myself for once.

And Marky, he sees me for who I really am.

-He respects me-- -Come on, lady!

You want to wrap this up? My lady needs to call her loser ex.

Marky, it's me. It's Lindsay.

Oh! Thought you were taking a dump?

I must have scared the [bleep] out of that lady in the bathroom when I threw the door open and told her I loved her.

He loves me?

Sorry. I don't love you.

On the next Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences...

The new lovers arrive and discover the joys of their new home.

Now that time...

...was also very quick.

Buster returns to the penthouse

and can't bear to re-live the time he was there

without Lucille before.

I can't go through another two days like that.

And he decides to pursue a re-trial of his own.

Buster!

My mother's gone away and I thought you've always been like a...

-Girlfriend. -Not what I was gonna say!

And Lindsay, free of her ex and her own mother,

awakens to a destiny foretold to her in India...

Get away from her! Don't mess with her!

She's none of your business!

-Thank you. -I said get away from her, you slut!

You're scaring the bird!

...only to find out she had a new mother.

She lives with us now.

And Mom...

She tells me she's pretty.

I have the worst [bleep] shaman.