Home > Arrested Development

One Degree of Separation

[narrator] During her senior year of high school,

Maeby Funke was dating this boy.

How was that?

Perfecto.

[narrator] His name was Perfecto Telles.

And if you do my Spanish, I'll teach you how to French.

[narrator] Everyone could see that they had chemistry together,

but they really bonded in Donnie Richter's algebra class.

I don't want to embarrass anyone, so, everyone, close your eyes, close 'em.

Now, if you passed the test, go ahead and get up and exit the classroom.

Does that include the crew?

No, the Babies Having Babies crew can keep their eyes open.

-38. -Oh, 43.

That's because I'm good with num--

Oh, no, actually it's 34.

If it's dumb to stay behind with you, call me a dummy.

We don't say "dummy," and unfortunately you two alge-tards are going to need some special tutoring.

[narrator] Which is how they found  themselves headed to the local college,

along with the other math-challenged students.

♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪

-♪ 96! ♪ -♪ 99! ♪

♪ ...bottles of beer on the wall ♪

Hey, when we get there, don't forget you're Perfecto's woman.

I don't want to hear about some smooth college guy who stole you away.

Are you kidding me?

What kind of loser spends his free time tutoring high school kids?

-[narrator] This kind. -Hey, you must be...

What?

George Michael?

{\an8}[narrator] Now the story of what happened when the one man

{\an8}who was holding his family together finally let go,

and the separate journeys that eventually gave them no choice

but to come back together.

{\an8}It's Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences.

Maeby had just discovered that the tutor

for her senior year high school algebra class...

{\an8}Huh, what is this? What are you doing here?

{\an8}...was her age, her cousin, and a senior in college.

{\an8}As I live and breathe, I...

{\an8}I thought you were the girl. I'm supposed to tutor a kid from--

{\an8}High school, yeah, that's me.

Crazy. That is just crazy.

[laughs]

{\an8}But, wait, why are you in high school?

{\an8}Didn't we graduate together five years ago?

{\an8}[narrator] It was a decent question.

{\an8}After all, it had been several years since the precocious Maeby

{\an8}had already fooled a major studio into making her a film executive.

-My first project is about my family. -Ooh!

{\an8}Which is why I thought you'd be a perfect assistant,

{\an8}-you know where the bodies are buried. -I even helped bury some of them.

{\an8}[narrator] Maeby was only 17 at the time.

{\an8}-Also, can you buy me booze? -Totally.

[narrator] But even more provocatively, it was also a time during which

the two cousins got somewhat intimate.

You might not even be related to us.

[narrator] But later, while fleeing both his own feelings

and a disaster-bound family party on the Queen Mary,

George Michael got some advice...

She might not be a blood relative, but she is still family.

[narrator] ...from a man experienced in the folly of fleeing from a family.

So upon returning to the Coast Guard headquarters,

George Michael found the girl he now had to back away from

on her back.

{\an8}-Maeby, are you okay? What are you doing? -Shh! Shh!

{\an8}Trying to get my parents to notice me.

{\an8}I've been here for, like, an hour and a half.

{\an8}[narrator] It had been seven minutes.

{\an8}You think it would help if I went over and said, like, "Hey, Maeby's dead"?

No, that would just mean that they notice you.

-Why don't you cough or something? -Oh, right, like I'm dying.

[coughing]

There's nothing keeping us together.

{\an8}[Tobias] I believe we're thinking the same thing.

{\an8}Obviously they've just got a lot on their plate right now. They're clearly busy.

{\an8}♪ It's just a fallacy! ♪

-What is that from? -It's from nothing.

{\an8}But, you know, I'm actually-- I'm glad to have a moment alone with you, because it gives us a chance to talk about us.

You know, I really care about you.

Oh, boy, here we go.

You want to get more serious.

[narrator] And Maeby didn't, because--

and I never told you this,

but George Michael wasn't a very good kisser.

It seems he both used his tongue

to fend off the intruding tongue,

{\an8}while the upper lip tended to retract,

{\an8}revealing an exposed area from the front teeth to the canines.

{\an8}Really just rookie mistakes,

but all of it conspired to make Maeby concerned

about him wanting to get more serious.

-No, less serious. -What?

My dad doesn't think it's such a good idea for you and me to be together.

And that doesn't make me hotter to you?

No, I could see that argument, but I just really need to focus on graduating right now, and maybe you should, too, you know.

Maybe that's the best way to get your parents' attention.

That's a great idea.

I've got two months to flunk. That's gotta disappoint them.

[narrator] And that's what she set out to do...

So for some reason, they didn't send me a cap and gown,

{\an8}And I was gonna make one out of sheets, but I couldn't find...

{\an8}[narrator] ...only to discover that Maeby's graduation

{\an8}wasn't top-of-mind for her parents.

{\an8}They left town.

{\an8}[narrator] So she put her plan to put her graduation on hold on hold

and headed off to India...

No, we do not need that many extras.

[narrator] ...for her ironic job that was becoming less ironic and more job.

Okay, do we have to pay them in money or in rice?

They're in the union. You have to pay with rice.

[narrator] The movie she was supervising was the latest

in her "terrifying grandmother" Gangie franchise,

this one taking place in India.

All right, I say we get 10,000 extras,

-and then that way we have it. -We have it.

Yeah, we have it.

[Tobias] I'm going to start wearing this back home.

Someone tell her to shave her arms, poor thing.

[narrator] And soon, she and her team arrived and headed off to the hotel...

-How is it pronounced? -"Gan-jeez."

Gangie on the Ganges? That doesn't even make sense.

[narrator] ...where she found out why her mother wasn't at the graduation

that Maeby also wasn't not at.

You don't get it.

I'm not used to third world hotels.

[man] No, you don't get it. You're so full of [bleeps]

You have got to be kidding me.

Do we have a hair and makeup crew with us?

Pretty makeup or scary makeup?

Scary.

Well, I think we have the crew that did The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Perfect.

You must live life truthfully.

[narrator] And that's how Lindsay ended up getting this spiritual advice

from her own daughter.

-I'm so full of passion. -You are so full of [bleeps]

Yeah, yeah.

Pull your head out of the sand.

Love is where you left it.

The only person back home is Tobias.

You have no children?

No. Why do you ask?

Well, yes, a daughter. She's away at boarding school in England.

Is that where we left it?

[narrator] Although you'd think this would have given her away.

-Hug? -Please don't squeeze the shaman.

[narrator] And soon she returned in time for what was supposed

to be a going off to college party…

-Congratulations! -Thanks.

[narrator] ...for George Michael.

-We are so proud. -We have a little something for you.

No, you don't have to do anything. I mean, you threw me this meeting.

A little something something to buy a car.

Really?

[narrator] It was something Maeby was certain

would set off alarm bells for her own parents.

But the party wouldn't last long.

You know what, I am done with this family.

I hope you've saved some money 'cause you're gonna need every dime now.

What’s this? Return it. Or rip it up.

-Michael. -Come on. Give it a rip.

Rip it up, right down the center.

That's it. Rip it.

Couple more. Did you get it?

Proud of you.

-Happy birthday. -[Gob] Happy birthday, George Michael.

[narrator] But don't worry, Michael did make sure his son got a car

in time to be sent off to college.

And although he  would arrive without his possessions,

he was eager to find a place where he could fit right in.

-[man] Hey, hey, check it out! -[crowd laughing]

[narrator] Fortunately, he was resourceful when distancing himself

from the tarnished Bluth family name.

[George Michael] No. No, no.

What?

[narrator] During his freshman year, George Michael hit the ground running.

He was breaking some of the old taboos, drinking Pepsi in the morning.

So that's a breakfast combo with a Pepsi.

[narrator] Sometimes having some eggs at night.

Excuse me, I forgot it wasn't morning.

[narrator] He was soon finding that others enjoyed his sense of humor.

Meanwhile, Maeby was working on getting her parents to notice....

Going back to school. Senior year!

[narrator] that she was now in her second or sophomore senior year.

And perhaps it was the size of the home...

No one cares?

[narrator] But the surprise of her still being in high school...

This is when drugs become an issue.

[narrator] ...went undetected...

[Maeby] Time for babies having babies!

Is Babies Having Babies on? That's my favorite show.

[narrator] ...by a father focused on his acting career

-and a mother focused on herself. -Maeby, you're gonna be late for school.

God, they grow up so slowly

[narrator] But if the collapse of the housing market,

Tobias' lack of auditions,

or even the unnecessary writers' strike didn't open their eyes

the suicide of their ruined and despondent real estate and talent agent

certainly would.

A warning, in a way. His message, perhaps, to live within our means and be realistic about our lives.

Then I shall redouble my efforts so that he died in vain.

[gasping]

[narrator] And yet it didn't.

Meaning he will have led a pointless life, is what I mean. Yes, carry on. Thank you.

[narrator] Although they did try to have one Thanksgiving together as a family…

-We have a lot to be thankful for. -Including Duck L'Orange!

[narrator] A lack of attention to detail

with regard to the prep phase of the cooking

resulted in them eating out at the Fountain Valley China Garden instead.

[man] Okay, we cook duck for you.

[narrator] Still, Maeby was ready to pull the plug on the high school ruse,

when this happened.

[Lindsay] Look, I'm sorry, Tobias, but we're trying to save something

that just couldn't be saved.

[narrator] It seems Tobias and Lindsay had recently met another couple,

Marky and DeBrie, at what Tobias thought was an acting class,

but that turned out to be a methadone clinic.

Soon they joined them for a double date

at a merchandise-for-food barter restaurant,

and after some improv, Lindsay connected with Marky,

only to run away from a life she felt wasn't working.

And I have to follow my shaman's advice.

I have to be true to myself.

Can you delete this so I can leave a message for Maeby?

[beeps]

Lindsay, I have met someone.

It's not important who it is. It's Sue Storm!

[narrator] Tobias had made a similar swap at the swapping-themed restaurant

after connecting with the one-time Fantastic Four actress.

We're both actors, anyway...

Erase this message, and I'll leave her a mess--

[Lindsay] Maeby, honey, Daddy has insisted on raising you alone.

[narrator] But at least her father was choked up.

[Tobias] Maeby, your daddy's not going to be around anymore.

Excuse me, I swallowed a bug there.

Your daddy's not going to be around anymore.

[narrator] So each of her parents thought she was with the other,

-which meant she had the house to herself. -[beeps]

This is the Widow Carr,

and for some reason it's my job to tell you,

since you never made payment, your house is being foreclosed.

[narrator] Briefly.

[Carr] Also, Tobias, you got a callback for something called The Big BangTheory.

[narrator] Unattended and needing an income, Maeby returned to work.

Only to discover--

-Guess what. I'll just tell you. -What?

I feel like we'll be here forever, and I have a meeting.

You're fired.

[narrator] She'd been replaced.

Why?

Because you don't have a high school diploma, and we have a very strict policy here, that everyone has to have a diploma on account of the fact that Ron never graduated.

-Is this really happening? -Actually, I was thinking

I wasn't gonna have to fire you 'cause it's been on Deadline all day.

-[Maeby] How did they find out? -Does it even matter anymore?

I told them.

[narrator] And so she decided to embark on her third, or junior,

{\an8}senior year of high school.

While George Michael's sophomore year of college began with a--

Boom!

And that's what we call only being behind by three!

So that stuff's all going on with the Sitwell Company and then, we end up playing them in a softball game!

{\an8}[narrator] Highlights: loyal friends.

I'm like, "How can..."

Romance.

{\an8}Betrayal.

{\an8}-Becky. -What's up, Ray?

-You guys broke up. -Thanks, Ray. I almost forgot.

[narrator] The triumph of friendship.

What's up, Ray? Oh, thanks, Ray. I almost forgot!

{\an8}Know what I was just thinking about?

{\an8}-What? -Becky. Remember?

[narrator] And as surely as stability returned,

{\an8}junior year ushered in a new era of experimentation.

{\an8}It's all about the science of kissing between a man and a woman.

That always has fascinated me!

-Sheila will take you. -[narrator] As George Michael tried

to compensate for his lack of income from his father

by volunteering for experiments.

Hi.

So I don't run off?

-I hope you're not feeling too awkward. -Don't be crazy.

Now, when the mouth-to-mouth test begins,

I'm gonna be yelling out letters that indicate mouth movements.

What I need you to do is give me on a scale of 1 to 10, your pleasure level.

-Fine. -10, the most pleasurable, 1, the least.

Let's hope we get to 10.

Well, work our way up to it.

Bringing in the mouth unit!

[narrator] And that's when he realized what the straps were for.

Is that-- I guess it's not a--

-And C? -I think one on C.

-M? M? -One on M.

-M? -One for sure on M. One.

-Z? -One.

-N? -One.

-F? -One. One.

Moving to deep French!

[narrator] Meanwhile, with no job, no place to live and no parents around,

Maeby moved into her grandparents' vacated penthouse.

What?

[narrator] And that's when Maeby did what we in the entertainment industry

call Deadlining.

But the penthouse wasn't free for long.

So she retreated to the now abandoned model home,

where she discovered it's a lot harder to get out of a Bluth home...

Pieces of [bleeps]

[narrator] ...than into one.

{\an8}George Michael, however, was in a much more exotic location

{\an8}for his college junior semester abroad.

When after months of trying not to be an imposing guest in his new country,

he was ready for a summer that would end up turning life upside down.

[shouting]

When the woman whose children he was nannying...

opened him up sexually.

Did Ernesto get his four o'clock?

The drones are coming! Nothing matters now!

-Why do you kiss like this? -Like what?

The teeth! They must not be used like this.

[narrator] It was actually a jaw and lip retraction issue,

but she had neither a command of the language nor the data that we do.

You make love like a boy!

Spanish! Speak to me in Spanish because the only way the college credit is activated is if I--

[speaks Spanish]

Cook at? Cooking at you?

Overpower me! Yes.

-Make me cry. -You're a terrible mother!

[cries]

[narrator] It was a very different George Michael

that returned to school for senior year.

Eager to unleash his new overt sexuality on an unsuspecting campus.

It gets better!

[narrator] And for George Michael, senior year did get better.

He was like a king returning to his castle.

I feel like a king returning to his castle.

[narrator] Only to discover that they thought he was two kings.

Welcome to your castle!

[narrator] And they had doubled the size of his castle

Double castle...

Can't wait to meet Michael, George.

It would be the perfect backdrop to unveil George Michael 2.0.

[speaking Spanish]

[narrator] But George Michael's development was about to be forestalled.

-Dad. -Pete died.

Oh.

-Who's Pete? -Don't worry about it.

Don't you worry about it. I like this! I like the mustache.

-It's kind of fun. -That's great.

Probably gonna want to shave it off before the start of next quarter, or they're gonna think you're a musician.

[narrator] And perhaps it was the fact

that she had never really disappointed her parents,

and they were getting older,

or it was because of the lack of internet at the model home.

That is it. This is like living in 1999.

[narrator] But that's when Maeby began her final, or senior,

senior year of high school,

{\an8}And it ultimately led to this.

But it's illegal, right? Can't you go to jail?

Only if you're caught.

So I'm still gonna stay in high school till my parents notice me.

You know, just, like, let them think, "Oh, no, should we be worried?

-Is she really that immature?" -Yeah.

Well, I mean, isn't it kind of a little immature to try and make your parents worry like that?

That's good. I'm gonna try and work that in there.

No, I think it's in there.

Yeah, well, let's get you in here before our third roommate shows up.

-That's Paul Haun. -Hi. So there's three people in here?

Yeah, well, one guy is just kind of crashing here.

It can't be worse than living with your dad.

It's not. No, it's not worse than that.

[narrator] And later, she was joined by her uncle.

Didn't say it was your cousin.

That's smart, let him think there's a girl in here.

We were just complaining about roommates.

P-Hound.

-I thought it was the other one. -No, it was P-Hound, yeah.

He's the worst. See, I think if George Michael and I didn't have each other as roommates, we'd be going crazy.

[narrator] And for a moment, Maeby felt superior to her cousin--

And her uncle for that matter.

Actually, have you told her about your software?

-No, software? -He's got this privacy software.

Keeps people from stealing your stuff. Tell her, pal.

[narrator] Maeby tried to hide her jealousy.

So it's privacy software that's also anti-piracy?

You have a way of doing this?

Well, it's just a Boolean-driven aggregation, really, of what programmers call "hacker-traps..."

[narrator] But as she listened to her cousin discuss computer technology

she had no understanding of, she lost that feeling of superiority,

and her self-esteem plummeted

as she started to question the entirety

of what she'd done with her life for the last several years.

...and they want to steal your music and copy your movies or just look at your photos, you know, this prevents that.

It just neutralizes that so it's not even a threat.

It's called Fakeblock.

Great name.

Well, it's super low-hanging fruit. Someone's gonna do it.

We're just trying to be those guys.

[narrator] Maeby was feeling discouraged

as she got back on the bus for high school.

You want to get high with us behind the gym?

Wait, we don't know her.

I hear there's an undercover cop at school.

Can you imagine what kind of loser pretends to be in high school when they're in their 20s?

It's pretty gutsy, right?

I mean, it's better to take the risk, right?

[both] Yeah, maybe you're right.

Cop.

Hey, how was your tutor? He gonna take you away from me?

Not until his software hits and he can buy me an apartment.

I'm living in a [bleeps] hole.

I hear they're hiring at Chipotle.

[narrator] And that's when Maeby realized her parents weren't the only ones

who'd stopped paying attention to her life.

Can I get a Macallan 12 neat, water back?

ID?

Actually, can we make it-- marry me. A Wild Turkey?

-There you go. -Thank you.

I'm supposed to believe you're 17?

Oh, no, sorry.

That's my fake for sneaking back into high school.

Here we go, 23.

[narrator] It was finally clear to Maeby that she needed to graduate high school.

Although while she was away from the bar, Perfecto showed up

Hey, Perfecto!

-Isn't he a little young to be in here? -No, no, no, he's with us.

Show him your badge.

[narrator] And that's when Maeby realized Perfecto wasn't a graduating senior.

He's a cop.

[narrator] And she wouldn't be either.

On the next Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences.

Maeby returns to high school to find another senior who shouldn't be there.

-Barry? -Maeby, you scared the [bleeps] out of me.

[narrator] And worried about graduating, Maeby seeks a legal opinion

who happens to know this part of the law very well.

After 21, it is illegal for you to enroll in high school in California.

As a matter of fact, you cannot even lurk.

"Lurk."

Okay, so what do I do? Because the guy who caught me goes to school with me.

You get something incriminating on him.

Call me in the office, we'll discuss it, and then I can also keep a record, for billing and so forth.

[narrator] And Maeby proves to be...

Maybe I'll keep a record of it, follow up with my own bill.

[narrator] ...a gifted incriminator.

Oh, very good.

You should be the lawyer. Very good. Pro bono.

[narrator] And Tobias becomes addicted to his new profession.

I'm starving.

Yes, you are starving! So, would you like some butter?

I could give you some butter, and you can pay for it with a shoe.

[laughs] I'm sorry, but his guy's not giving my guy anything to react to.

Could I get some more of that acting juice?