Home > Arrested Development

Locked and Loaded

[narrator] Gob Bluth had just been told by his father

to go to work for his younger brother.

Thanks for the birthday card that I never got from you for the last 40 years.

What the hell?

And even though Michael was the one

asked to do the favor...

What the hell?

...it was Gob who felt he had a cross to bear.

I got right of way...

In fact, the long estranged brothers

were secretly competitive . with one another.

No... No, no. My right of way.

Okay.

-Gob. -Michael.

Still, they reunited.

Hey, Gob.

Michael.

...happy to see each other...

Gob?

...at first.

Michael.

So, hear you need help moving these memorials

-to the death of the housing market. -[jaunty tune warbles]

That's a memorial to the death of Pete the mailman.

I knew that.

I brought one, too.

Size of the man's heart.

I've just got to figure out how to get it out of the car.

If I could remember how I got it in.

-That's not from your Christian magic act? -"Christian magic act"?

If I were Muslim, would you say "Muslim magic act"?

No.

But it is hard to imagine any Muslim handcuffing himself to a glittery cross and living to tell about it.

Yeah, well, the Christians aren't so [beep] hot about it either.

Well...

Michael could see that his brother was unhappy,

and that his life had not worked out

the way he had hoped.

Things are incredible for me. I'm having an incredible year.

I am a movie producer now, producing a movie.

So they've got me in this enormous office.

Told 'em I don't wanna be driving to Beverly Hills every single day, so they put me in an enormous office just over here.

Rental.

My personal life is off the charts.

I met someone.

Can't really give you any information. Kind of famous-y.

Well, good for you. I also met someone.

Also famous-y.

Can't give you any information.

In fact, Michael didn't even find out

who she was until one night earlier.

Oh, my God.

I'm dating Ron Howard's girlfriend.

Although, he did have some of the details wrong.

She's an actress. You know her.

She was Ron's illegitimate daughter.

A fact unbeknownst to many.

Well, we kind of like to keep that quiet.

I can give you information about your airless office you're gonna be spending mornings in.

You know what I could go for is some guac.

-You don't live there anymore. -This heat... makes me want guac.

Now the story of what happened

when the one man who was

holding his family together

finally let go...

and the separate journeys that eventually gave them no choice

but to come back together.

{\an8}It's Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences.

{\an8}Model home? More like model tomb.

{\an8}Am I right?

{\an8}Michael and Gob reunited after a long time apart.

{\an8}...meticulously maintained.

{\an8}[beep]

{\an8}There are some vultures.

{\an8}I think they might still smell Pete.

{\an8}If it wasn't for the movie thing, I'd do it myself.

{\an8}They practically sell themselves, just got to bring the people in.

{\an8}I'm ready to move in today.

-No, people other than you. -I'm starving.

{\an8}Starving? You won't find anything here.

{\an8}They've been abandoned for...

{\an8}Lindsay.

{\an8}No, this...

{\an8}Maybe Tobias?

{\an8}It was John Beard.

{\an8}Shall we?

{\an8}Well, the value of these homes isn't gonna go down if we don't sell one today.

Let's see if I can find a...

Do you have a bottle opener?

{\an8}Great idea.

And after a few more drinks

{\an8}and a little more depreciation...

{\an8}Michael admitted he had a rival

{\an8}for his girlfriend.

{\an8}You don't have to worry about Ron Howard.

{\an8}He's not competition for you.

Really?

{\an8}No, the guy's, like, 100 years old.

{\an8}What's he going to do, poke you in the eyes?

You're confused.

Ron Howard directed Apollo 13.

You're thinking of Mo Howard, the angry Stooge, been dead for a quarter century.

That's good , cause the whole time I'm thinking,

"Unless she likes a guy who's funny..."

-Sure. -That guy is funny.

{\an8}The whole time, you're like... "Is he gonna poke me in the eyes?"

{\an8}Gob, I don't think that the movie...

{\an8}It might not even happen,

{\an8}because I don't think that I can ask my son...

{\an8}What happened between him and me was very disappointing.

{\an8}Don't need to tell me about disappointment and sons.

{\an8}Let's not forget Steve Holt.

I was talking about a son disappointing a father.

Yeah, that does make it different.

Show him you're a big shot, you don't need to live in your son's dorm.

I just live in my parents' penthouse now.

Take him to the Ealing Club.

It's all show biz. I used to hang out there all the time.

It's actresses and stuff like that.

I don't know if I could pick up the phone and call him and ask him.

You know what, Michael?

I'll call him for you.

You'd do that for me?

It's the least I can do.

You've given me a new sense of purpose.

I don't want you to get your hopes up.

When I said that these places sell themselves,

I should have gone on to say, you know, that...

No, they don't.

I mean destroying Tony Wonder.

I'm going to destroy his career the same way he destroyed mine.

Gob was referring to an escape act he'd performed

that had failed when the hidden compartment that held

the keys to his escape hadn't opened...

...humiliating him in front of his bride...

He's not coming back.

Her...

and all of Christendom.

Destroying Tony Wonder is your sense of purpose?

I thought you said thanks to me...

He's performing at a gay club tonight, and I need you as my boyfriend to help me get in.

I'm gonna say no, thank you.

Don't you think it's a little inappropriate?

I am your brother.

You sound like my son.

{\an8}Whom Gob had spoken to earlier that day.

Her name's Ann, by the way.

Hey, you remembered.

How about you and I go to a magic show together?

I love magic, of course.

It'd be sort of a father-son thing... at a gay club.

Well, technically a gay night at a magic club.

Hey, you know what'd be funny?

If you pretended to be my boyfriend

so I could lock this guy Tony Wonder...

I don't know,

I don't think this whole thing is a good idea.

Besides, last time we tried to do something together,

-you didn't even show up. -What about you?

I didn't even hear from you for your entire childhood.

Then thanks for the birthday card that I never got from you for the last 40 years.

This was extra hard for Steve to hear

on his actual birthday.

So what do I owe you?

There you go.

That's funny, I used to date a guy named Steve Holt.

Steve Holt!

Yeah, that's the guy.

Heck of a birthday this is shaping up to be.

In fact, it was about to get worse.

And didn't you already try locking Tony Wonder in his trick?

Yes, but that wasn't for revenge, that was just on spec.

And it didn't work.

Besides, that was before I knew he had locked me in my trick.

You still don't know that he tried to lock you in your trick.

I do know, I have proof.

I went in that cave and I found this.

We both know what that stands for.

Jesus.

No, that would be a "J".

This is a "T".

Tony Wonder was there in the cave the night that I did my big illusion.

So, when I went yesterday to the cave and I saw that this had wedged my compartment door shut,

I knew that I'd been wronged.

Okay.

The only thing that we know is that you tried to lock Tony Wonder in his trick first.

-Right? So you're even. -No, no.

Because mine didn't work.

He got the last laugh, which, in this case, happened to be the first laugh.

I don't understand why you can't seem to follow me...

You've got a chance to make a life here.

I'm offering you a good job, selling good homes, making real good money, and I'm not asking for anything in return.

What is this?

I'm asking for something in return.

This is for the movie.

For your life rights in perpetuity, in the known universe and beyond.

Look at this.

What's that mean? You're not gonna sign it?

No. I was just thinking that I should have my attorney Bob Loblaw look at this.

-He doesn't need to. -I'm fine with it.

It's boilerplate stuff.

-I'm gonna be in a movie. -No, you're not.

Okay.

Gob was making good

on a promise he had made to Michael...

I need to see you tonight.

...to talk to his son.

It's about your father and you.

Really, is he upset?

Do I seem like a clown to you?

I got it.

Do I seem like some kind of a clown to you?

I got it, Uncle Gob. Just tell me where.

Meet me tonight at the Gothic Castle.

I will. The Gothic Castle?

No, the Gothic Asshole.

-Yes, the Gothic Castle. -I didn't say the Gothic Asshole.

You think they call it the Gothic Asshole?

-I said the Gothic Castle. -It's the Gothic Castle.

Okay.

-I think you look amazing. -I'll take it.

-Great. -No, no.

The compliment, not the shirt.

So, as Gob readied himself for a magic show...

Tobias began work on a show of his own.

to create the Fantastic Four musical,

that he himself wrote and directed.

The goal is that we all get a little outing on the Cinco de Cuatro, where we'll be performing it on a boat.

I hope no one gets seasick.

{\an8}Tobias had been working at Lucille Austero's rehab clinic

as a therapist for some Hollywood notables.

-Hi, I'm Mark. -From pop star Mark Cherry...

But, please, first names only.

Mark is my first name.

Cherry's my last name.

And Simon says, you're out.

No. No, Mark Cherry, I was having fun.

I have a bit of a wit.

Well, I think we all recognize this gentleman.

...to celebrity side-kick, Andy Richter.

I'm not Andy fucking Richter.

Correction...

the identical quintuplet brother of Andy...

I'm Emmett.

...who has withheld the use of his likeness.

Emmett who?

Richter.

Simon says, you're out.

But most notably of all... he reconnected with a woman

-DeBrie! -He'd loved and lost...

How are you?

So, you two know each other?

Only to find out he was about to lose her again.

...there is no way you can be her therapist.

And so Tobias found a way...

to be with the woman he loved.

I could direct, we could get Mark Cherry to do the music, and we can cast it with patients.

She was in the movie, The Fantastic Four.

I was in The Fantasticks.

And so it was decided.

And this'll make my stay shorter? I'll get out of here a week sooner?

Well, sobriety is the most important thing, but we'll see how good the music is.

And so they set to work.

And even though DeBrie had some trouble

with the choreography at first...

Tobias knew she'd blow them away

with her show stopping number

as the Invisible Girl.

♪ I don't want to be invisible ♪

♪ I don't want to be invisible ♪

♪ I don't want to be invisible anymore ♪

Okay, good. Get out there.

All right. Okay.

I like this, too...

Where's Argyle?

She's choreographing.

Let's all do it too.

It's called the thinking man's squat.

[all moaning]

Go with her. Go. Follow her.

But if DeBrie was nervous...

Am I crazy... or is this really good?

...it was nothing compared to how George Michael felt

when he arrived to speak with his uncle at the Gothic Castle.

which, that night, did resemble the Gothic Asshole.

-Uncle Gob! -Don't call me Uncle...

Actually, that's good. That works here.

-Is my dad upset? What's going on? -He's fine.

You told me he was upset about something.

I don't know.

I do know that your daddy wants you to get your hot, little, tight, little, hot ass

-right up there right away to see him. -You had me come all the way here to tell me my dad wants me to meet him?

Those things are unrelated.

I'm trying to lock this guy, Tony, into this gay magic trick.

And I just needed believable arm candy...

I do know that your dad is really upset with you.

He's upset?

I asked you that.

That was the first thing I asked you. You're giving me these crazy...

Mad?

-God, what is that inky taste? -It's my stamp.

-I'm sorry about that. -No, that's okay.

I probably won't come back in.

I'm gonna go see my dad.

Yeah, because you're a good son.

Bit my tongue...

Now get out of here.

I never want to sleep with you again.

After successfully looking like he'd had a fight with his boyfriend,

and knowing that Tony would go into the closet

and pop out of somewhere else,

Gob proceeded to lock everything he could find.

and Gob settled in

to watch his revenge play out.

[Tony] A magician has many secrets,

but there was one I was forced to keep,

by society.

"Don't talk to us," they said.

"Keep your hands to yourself,"

they also said.

[man] Magic is only for straight men.

[Tony] I don't want to look at you, son.

Just go to work.

Why can't you be like your brother?

Well, I'm here...

I'm queer,

and now...

I'm in a chair!

Did somebody say Wonder?

[narrator] Nobody actually did that time,

but I think he got away with it.

Didn't expect to see you here.

Want to get a drink later?

And believe it or not, it was this trick...

Now everybody's gay!

...that really brought the crowd to their feet.

Although it was pretty easy

to figure out how he did it.

They started out gay.

You missed your cue.

Gob was having a drink with a man

he'd twice tried to sabotage.

Beanbag chair. I was wondering what you were gonna pop out of.

Did somebody say "wonder"?

...ing?

I always try to stay one step ahead of the audience.

¡Vamonos!

Come on, man. Timing, right?

Leave the mask.

Yeah, of course, mask.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I use a mask myself, in my act.

You have to tell me how you do that beanbag trick.

I guess, since you're a magician, too. But not a word of this.

I did use a mask.

I put it on another guy and I was in the beanbag.

That's why they put that sign on the beanbag. "Do not sit on this..."

And the magicians shared the secrets

of their ancient and mystical craft.

And also it's very hard to get out of at the end, when I appear.

So how have you been?

I haven't seen you since your "wedding," when you did the Jesus gag.

I guess you could say I was a runaway groom.

It's okay, I know it didn't work. It made the "Woops" column in Poof.

It's cool, though, man. I've been there.

Your assistant probably sabotaged you.

I don't even use one anymore.

I resorted to using my own legs in the Saw-the-Lady-in-Half gag.

I even shaved them. Want to feel?

Sure.

Wow, they are smooth.

Like a lady's.

I think.

You're funny.

Too bad we can't do this more.

I dunno if it'd be great for my reputation to be seen with a fundamentalist Christian magician.

And he was suspicious

that Gob might not be gay.

Although, the fact that he borrowed Tobias' car...

...with the license plate ANUSTART.

-That's me. -...alleviated some of those concerns.

What the hell? Let's do it.

And the next day, Tobias returned

to the model home.

Beard, I'm only here to pick up my car keys.

Tobias?

Gob?

Good to see you, old friend. What have you been up to?

Things are good, nothing much.

I'm a registered sex offender, but things are good.

Yes.

And I'm working at Lucille Two's rehab center, the one she owns, not the one she famously went to 12 times.

Can we finish over breakfast? I'm starving.

Is it finishing? Okay.

And the two friends caught up.

If I wouldn't have gotten arrested, I wouldn't have ended up working at rehab, and I wouldn't have reconnected with my love.

True, I can't ethically ravage her body,

I have to leave that to time, but she's just so much fun to be with.

I, too, am in a relationship, but mine is purely a revenge-based deal.

I plan on making this person fall in love with me and then destroying them by breaking their heart.

How do you make someone love you?

Can you pass the mustard, please?

It's easy when you've got so much in common. Last night, for instance, we both got a case of the munchies, and then we went out and we stole these pies...

As it turns out, they did a lot more than steal pies.

They had a raucous good time.

And then the candy bean dish right here, we made those at Color Me Mine, and I know they're kind of cockeyed, but they remind us both of my crooked smile.

I'll tell you who, but this person is sort of a celebrity.

Turns out my femme fatale is a bit of a celebrity herself.

Well, looks like life is going pretty well for both of us.

Except that I'm broke.

And I'm a sex offender.

Michael expects me to sell these split-level death traps.

And how am I supposed to do that?

I mean, there are no schools or libraries or Internet or playgrounds within 20 miles of here.

It's funny, I've been looking for a place to live, and that fills virtually every parole requirement I have.

That's great. When can you move in?

Duh! Now.

The other sex offenders are gonna be so jealous.

And that's when Gob went from filling one Sudden Valley house...

You know other people with similar needs?

I have a list of men that could fill every opening you have.

...to filling them all.

Let me get a shot of mustard.

That was all cheese, but no mustard.

Gob didn't want to look too into it...

by calling Tony right away.

[Tony] It's Tony... I'm not here right now

because I'm right behind you.

Made you look.

But how did I know you looked?

Because I'm right behind you!

[narrator] Although, he did seem kind of into it.

[Tony] Made you look again.

Tony, it's Gob.

Man, does anybody ever fall for that?

Listen, I was thinking about you, what a fun night we had the other night.

So just call me when you get a chance.

Okay? All right.

[cell phone chimes]

-That was fast, you hot little... Hi. -[Lucille] It's your mother.

You better start to build this wall, pronto.

I tried with your father, but he can't do it.

[narrator] The wall in question was to be built

{\an8}between the US and Mexico.

{\an8}but without the resources to build it...

George Sr, had found a work around.

There's more wall...

And you know, it feels good

to be protecting our borders.

It's a heart project.

-We love America. -Daddy!

God, he Steamboat Willied it.

He had.

[Lucille] You need to make it look like major construction has begun on the wall.

I'm busy now. I'm working with Michael.

What are you working on?

Dad made him give me a job.

I see, so he thought it was a good idea to have you two together.

Isn't that nice?

My God, is there anyone there with half a brain that can help me with this?

I don't know about half a brain, but Tobias is living with me right now and he's not very bright.

[narrator] And Gob set out to find a crew.

Who wants...

[feedback crackles, Gob wails]

{\an8}[Gob] Hurt my ears.

{\an8}Who wants to help me build a wall?

...to keep Mexicans out of America?

All right, all right!

Who wants to help me build a wall for no reason?

It's a different wall.

[bleep]

-[bleep] Hey, thanks for-- -[feedback crackles]

This thing is loud!

And so he decided to head to the border ribbon

to put in some manual labor himself.

[Gob] I'll show everyone I'm not afraid of the sweet sting of sweat in my...

...when he came across a local maca picker.

You need help to make your sign stand up?

Yes. No!

I need to find some Mexicans to help build this wall.

You should get the Chinese to build your wall.

-We make great walls. -That would be great.

-How can we make that happen? -I'm Chinese. I know all Chinese.

-I hook you up. -Well, that's--

-[cell phone chimes] -That'd be great.

Would you get off my [bleep], Mother!

Well, if I wasn't sure you were gay, I am now.

It's Tony. Hey, Tony.

Sorry I couldn't talk last night, but I'd really love to get together later.

This week, or maybe Saturday. Say, five o'clock...

-Great. -I'm thinking Little Ballroom.

Good? You sick of Little Ballroom?

I'll see you there. Bye.

That was Tony. My friend Tony.

She sounds wonderful.

No.

No, I'm gonna get revenge on him and destroy his life.

Her life.

Our... life.

Destroy our life.

Destroy our life.

That doesn't matter. Who cares?

On the next Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences...

You're gonna have to work with our new patient, and good luck with her.

We call her the "B" word from the "C" ward.

Or is it the "C" word from the "B" ward?

Tobias gets some bad news.

Hello, Anus Tart.

And she never even saw the license plate.

[theme music plays]