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Cinco de Cuatro I

[narrator] Buster had been adopted by the Love family...

Welcome to the family.

...And was soon being trotted out on the campaign trail...

Hey!

...while his mother was trying to blackmail him

for political favors.

Gene Parmesan got photos of Herbert Love with some redheaded whore.

I'm giving his wife a taste, so he knows we know.

Lucille would soon discover that the woman they thought was a prostitute

was her daughter Lindsay, who'd originally intended

to sabotage Herbert's campaign

at the behest of her activist boyfriend Marky.

But when Lindsay got distracted,

Linday's daughter called her on the hypocrisy...

That's Herbert Love.

-Oh, no! -Yeah, you're a whore.

...which was overheard by an aide

tasked with covertly finding escorts for Herbert...

I'm the discreetest.

I wanna hire her for prostitution.

...and since Maeby had needed money

ever since a check she was expecting never showed up,

-she intimated back... -I'm gonna charge you for that.

And since Lindsay failed to notice Maeby's other ruse...

Wait, why are you in high school?

Didn't we graduate together five years ago?

...she felt confident her acting as a madam

would also go unnoticed.

I could call him for you.

And I'll tell him it has to be tonight.

-Well, the sooner the better. -Got to get Marky out of jail.

That's why the sooner the better.

Lindsay was soon seduced by the man...

You'll always have a little love near your heart.

...and the hopes of changing his beliefs.

-I'm sorry. -Why would you do that?

I want you to be my key adviser.

She's gonna need a key to my room, I'd advise you to use it when I call you.

But Maeby had missed a key fact about her own high school boyfriend...

He's a cop.

...which put her hopes of graduating at risk.

There might be an undercover cop at this school.

You've gotta pull it together, missy, or you're not going to graduate.

Maeby needed protection, so she decided

to get something incriminating on him herself.

-I'll do anything for you. -Wow. So sweet.

Hello, everyone.

Maeby's father had recently had a cop problem himself.

I will be your therapist.

Yes, I'm getting to that.

And I am also a registered sex offender.

{\an8}A misunderstanding...

Daddy needs to get his rocks off.

...which for some reason didn't deter him

from workshopping a floating Fantastic Four musical

with his bewildered patients...

♪ Fantastic Four ♪

...which had recently increased...

Hello, anus tart.

...by one.

Hey, where's Mother?

Buster Bluth had finally found a family he fit in with.

Hi. I know you've been down today, so I brought you this.

They're for Cinco.

In case you want to make confetti out of something other than pictures of chubby Linda Ronstadt.

I am so blessed to have you in my life.

I'm so blessed to have you in my life.

Just six weeks ago, I was a hot mess.

I was desperate for a mother, and I don't think I could admit it.

As we've seen, he admits it plenty...

Mother!

No, no, no, I mean it. It's amazing work.

Excellent. Mom.

Thank you, Mother.

But now look at me. I'm with a beautiful, elegant woman!

And I think we should take it to the next level.

That's funny, no smoke came out.

Smoke?

-Wait, what just happened? -This.

Now the story of what happened

{\an8}when the one man who was holding his family together

finally let go,

and the separate journeys that eventually gave them no choice

but to come back together,

{\an8}it's Arrested Development Fateful Consequences.

[narrator] It was Tres de Cinco

and Buster Bluth had finally found love.

{\an8}Okay. Okay. Okay.

{\an8}So you don't think that the next level is adult adoption, do you?

{\an8}Come on, Buster.

You've been flirting with me since day one.

{\an8}In fact, Buster had been exquisitely trained

{\an8}in pampering a mother.

You pour in the liquor...

Don't want the boys to see.

You throw in some cola... got a coke and Hennessy.

Just for you, Mother Love.

{\an8}Buster... You are the most considerate man I've ever met.

-Stop, you're embarrassing me! -Your other hand is waving me on.

{\an8}Is that going again? I think it's on demo. Do you have a pencil or a paper clip?

{\an8}What about the singing?

{\an8}"Sealed with a Kiss" through the door while I bathed?

{\an8}Right. Mother stuff.

I mean, you're married!

What is this?

{\an8}That is my husband, with a prostitute.

{\an8}I've worn a captain's hat with someone who had hair like that.

But I... I can't.

{\an8}I mean, you're like a mother to me.

{\an8}You can either be a son or a lover to me.

And I already have two sons.

{\an8}Perhaps it was the fear that she'd throw him out

{\an8}or he finally did grow up, but that night, Buster acted like a man.

{\an8}And while Buster's sister Lindsay did not know she was a prostitute...

{\an8}-Marky? -Lindsay?

{\an8}...she was soon reminded of how much she'd sold out.

I did it. I beat the system. I got out my way.

{\an8}I thought my brother asked Warden Gentles to get you out.

No, from the dumpster.

You wouldn't believe the scallops they throw away.

But I got out of that dumpster my way. I've really missed you.

Yeah, I've missed you, too.

I feel like I really lost my way for a while.

Me, too. It's almost like maybe we shouldn't skip town after this next one.

-Next one? Another paint bomb? -No, a real one.

On Cinco de Cuatro, Love's boat is going to...

-Sink-o. -...go into the... Yes, sink-o.

See, the Coast Guard's gonna be busy that night, so after it's done, we slip away and make our way down to Mexico and reunite with Mom.

I have to find a boat that won't get chorizo caught in the propeller.

Lindsay was torn,

her head was with Marky but it was Love who was close to her heart.

After spending the night with Ophelia Love,

{\an8}Buster proudly went to visit his mother.

{\an8}I came here to thank you.

{\an8}You were trying to push me out of the nest, and you were right.

{\an8}-Really? -Yes.

{\an8}I've grown.

{\an8}And I'm in love.

Hamster or turtle?

Oh, mother. Hamsters are gross.

It's a female. Human... Female human... whole thing.

So, your parental responsibilities are complete.

-Hot. -I no longer need you.

-Well, you don't have to go that far. -I'm not a mother boy anymore.

I'm a mother man.

Use your good hand.

Guard!

-Michael! -Buster.

After running into Michael and surrendering his movie rights...

I have nothing to be ashamed about.

I'm in love.

And do you want to hear something so surprising?

-She started out as my mother figure. -Not surprising.

...Buster returned to his Love nest to tell Ophelia the good news.

I'm outta the thing! How did yours go?

It's over. I talked to Herbert.

I told him everything about us, and it's over.

I know it's scary. I just got out of a long relationship, too.

But I'm here for you.

And, girl, I ain't going nowhere.

I need you to leave.

So let's get it on... Wait, what's happening?

He wants to try to change.

He wants a second chance and I want to give it to him.

So you were just using me to hurt him?

Yes.

[quietly] Thank you.

But what about me? What happens to me?

I certainly can't go back to you as my mother.

After I've zipped down, you can't expect me to zip up!

I know that. But you have to leave.

No, I'm okay with the mothering. He had you first. I'm here to stay.

This is just a little mother-son bump in the road.

Your hand is broken again.

No, it's just my heart.

It's my hand, too, actually.

I'm sorry, Buster.

Buster was blindsided.

Ophelia! Tell me this. Who is the better lover?

-He is. -He is. Okay.

What about son?

Buster was upset

and perhaps that's why he availed himself of the photos of Herbert

and the prostitute he didn't realize was actually his sister.

[wails]

Before using the wrong hand to punch a picture of Herbert.

Stupid Bust--

And as Tobias' musical went into its final rehearsal process,

DeBrie still had butterflies... along with the worms,

and Lucille was taking to her role as the bad guy.

Is anyone going to tell her she needs to lose weight?

Because I'm not buying invisible, and you don't want to be out there on a raft that's listing.

And soon, the ragtag troupe of substance abusers showed up

for their big moment on stage.

Fan Four, company meeting.

Everybody has made a commitment to stay in the program for at least 30 more days, but I think we can all afford one night of intense pressure, yes?

We're all hoofers, we can take the pressure.

- Argyle, not helping! -Yeah, sorry, Cinco de Mayo!

-Does anybody have any questions? -Hey, I got a question.

You're sure the Hispanic community's okay with this?

You're not worried about some blowback of some sort?

They think of this as an homage.

I'm going to go put on my rock monster outfit and pass out fliers. Take any boat to the float.

And Lindsay, despite her promise to Marky,

felt she owed it to Love to protect him from the threat.

I have some inside information you really need to know.

But as it turned out,

Herbert had some undercover information for her, too.

I cannot be under the covers with you anymore.

It's over between us.

My wife found out. I told her there was nothing emotional,

-that you were just a prostitute. -I'm not a prostitute.

Oh, I know, I know. A sex worker. The point is, we are through.

Here's a little severance package for servicing my package.

Lindsay tried to throw the money in his face,

but she didn't have the muscle memory for it.

-She's keeping it. -Oh, good.

What was that you wanted to warn me about?

I have herpes.

No problem, you probably got 'em from me. And don't forget to vote.

This isn't over. I'm not some taco you can throw into the bay.

And that's when she ran into her daughter

who was seeking out a payment from Herbert Love herself.

I need to apologize to you. That check you've been looking for, I had it.

"Had"?

It's not everything, but here's some money.

Mom, let go.

It's dirty money anyway. Love gave it to me.

-He gave you money directly? -If you can believe that.

Anyway, this is your money now, and if you choose to do work on your face...

I mean, the nose, right?

Maeby felt bad, but mostly about her rep on the street.

So he's trying to snake the bottom bitch from my stable?

But Maeby wasn't the only one with a reputation that needed protection.

Who would bring kids here? This is no place for...

I'm a registered sex offender.

All right. I'm a regis...

I'm a registered sex offender. I'm a registered sex offender.

Hi, Tobias Fünke, registered sex offender. Registered sex offender.

Registered sex offender... Yeah.

Maeby sought out some muscle

to get even with a man she felt stole money from her,

He's a bully. I want you to bad cop him for me a little, OK?

So where is this bully?

He's right there.

-The little guy with the cigarette? -No, the ripped black guy behind him.

Oh. Right, I just... I just didn't look up high enough.

Yeah, well...

Tobias couldn't be within 1,000 yards of the audience he'd hoped to wow.

And that's when fate dealt him a new hand.

Oh, thank God. I need your help.

I've got a show to do in ten minutes and I haven't got a thing to wear.

This "Thing" suit.

I've gotta find Lucille Two, I gotta give her pictures.

-I don't know the songs. -It's pre-recorded.

And the dance is simplicity itself.

You're a monster, you don't have to be good.

-What? -Now just go "Thing" your heart out and don't be put off by the freakishly large...

What? God! Okay, well, good.

Then just the one glove will do, and...

Perfecto!

And that's when Perfecto recogized a friend he'd seen before...

This table is for National Honor Society members only.

Really? Well, what about these two guys? Were they invited?

Light Drizzle and Thunder.

In fact, the undercover cop was there

as Buster was awarded an anti-bullying badge.

You're never too old to stand up to a bully.

Whether he's an attention-hog who looks just like you or half your size.

"This," Perfecto thought, "was a man who could bully a bully."

And he's a real bully.

He's taking money from this innocent young high school girl.

I don't think I can help you.

I don't want to be a monster anymore.

Can't you just show him a little Thunder? Just to scare him a bit?

And that's when Buster saw the woman he'd come for.

I'm sorry. I have to take care of something.

Lucille Two.

-I've been looking for you. -Buster!

You look different. Something's happened to you.

Yes. I've been with a black woman.

-I was talking about your hand. -This huge thing? Yeah, it's new.

Of course, the week after I got it, the Six came out.

You can play a flute with that one. It comes with a flute!

But I'm not here about that. I'm here about this.

What is this?

Just pictures of Herbert Love with a lady of the night.

I want you to humiliate him and win the election.

That's my wig!

And she knew exactly who she'd given it to.

Lindsay wanted to get back at Love...

but not by blowing him up

and heading to Mexico to be with Marky's awful mother.

And that's when she ran into her own awful mother.

Look who tunneled out? What are you doing here?

Lindsay, I thought you were a hooker.

It's a wig. No one recognizes me in it.

Oh, I recognized you. Let me rephrase that more kindly...

I hear you're hooking now with Herbert Love.

It's called hooking up.

And, yeah, I got a little sidetracked, but I know who I am now.

I'm back to being severely liberal.

Well, like I said, the one time you were nice enough to visit me, you are who you are.

A blonde, WASP-y Orange County princess who doesn't care about anything but herself, and that's okay.

I'm a Bluth, and so are you.

You really know how to twist the knife.

But you are right about one thing, I don't need this anymore.

Lindsay was done being red, and she was eager to prove

that both her mother and Herbert Love were wrong about her.

Lucille Two. I've got great news.

I'm finally available to become your campaign manager.

Oh, that's lovely, dear.

But I found someone more qualified than you.

-Hello, Lindsay. -Sally.

It was Sally Sitwell,

a woman who'd once been Lindsay's rival.

It's been a while.

How is she more qualified than me?

She has integrity.

And look at this hair. Look at this beautiful, long hair.

I made you a banner. Look, I can really help this campaign.

You already have, more than you know. Now, give her a little show-and-tell.

Show-and-tell?

Oh, she just means these photos of Herbert Love with a mystery redhead he's cheating on his wife with.

Who took these?

The first two were taken by the security camera in the Albertsons parking lot.

And the third was left in the photo booth at the Ealing Club.

God, that was a photo booth?

Lucille has copies. She wants to go viral with this.

Herbert Love with his hooker? She'll win for sure.

-I can't let her do that. -I don't think you can stop her.

Anyway, it was so great running into you again.

Herbert Love. Herbert Love.

-Herbert Love. Herbert Love. -God.

-David. -Who are you?

I'm Cindy Featherbottom.

I've been looking for you. Love's gone missing

I've gotta find someone to jump onto that stage and to show everyone here that we're the party that has complete... con... complete... con.. con...

-Complete... -"Trol"?

Giant... "trol."

And that's when Lindsay found an opportunity...

I'll do it.

...to put a spin on the looming photos scandal.

I'm so sorry about that giant crack.

Okay, raise the mics, everybody! New speaker!

Like many before her, Lindsay would accuse Herbert Love...

Can I have everyone's attention?

...of sexual harassment.

I am Herbert Love's key adviser.

But first she had to turn his supporters against him.

Listen, I have a few things I'd like to tell you about Herbert Love.

Love wants to put up a wall.

No, no. I mean, not just any wall.

A wall to keep out the Mexicans.

Well... Wow, what a great crowd.

And Maeby was waiting to hear about her own efforts

to get even with Herbert Love.

-Hey, did you do it? Great. -It's taken care of.

But that's when the party got out of control.

Thank God I'm with an undercover cop. Pull out your gun.

I don't have a gun.

-What kind of cop doesn't have a gun? -OK, I'm not a cop.

But I saw your badge at the bar.

In fact, it was an anti-bullying badge.

He'd received it from a police-run anti-bullying program at school.

You're never too old to stand up to a bully.

I made up all that stuff to impress you. I'm just a senior.

-A señor? -I'm 17.

You're 17?

Yeah.

I'm 23.

Oh, that's a relief. I wasn't supposed to be driving with you.

But we messed around.

Oh, they did more than that.

Don't worry, nobody saw.

Except Lucille Two...

And that's when Maeby,

who had spent so long lying to others and herself,

finally had to admit she had made a huge mis--

No, I'm fine.

And soon the blowback reached the stage.

But no, you don't understand. He wants to separate...

[speaks Spanish]

That's my necklace. What's happening?

No, hey, cuatro...

What's going on?

A bunch of young Mexicans are taking over Cinco de Cuatro.

They don't find it funny anymore.

But that was my necklace. I mean... God!

They don't belong here, we belong here.

I mean, someone should put up a wall.

And it was at this moment

that Lindsay stopped being, as a shaman might say,

-so full of [beep] all the time... -We should put up a wall.

-...and discovered who she really was... -[man in crowd] We love you!

I love you, too.

...a Bluth, like her mother.

My name is Lindsay Bluth.

And I say put... up... this... wall!

Put up this wall!

Put up this wall!

Put up this wall!

Keep America American!

She's a game-changer.

This is who I am.

Put up this wall!

On the next Arrested Development: Fateful Consequences...

{\an8}Lucille Two becomes less of a threat...

{\an8}This is an ongoing investigation. We are pretty certain... that this is where Lucille Austero landed.

It is the way she usually falls.

Are you gonna run in her place?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Let's not bury her yet.

We are all still holding out hope that she is, indeed, found.

But a new threat to Maeby emerges.

Can't we at least have break-up sex?

No, you're 17. I'm a 23-year-old woman.

If anyone found out that we already had sex, it would be a major felony.

Congratulations. You got your first A.

Oh, thank God. This A is finally gonna get me out of high school.

No, sex offender. Your A is going to jail.

You can't arrest me. You're an algebra teacher.

Donnie Richter's an algebra teacher. I'm Rocky Richter.

I told you there was an undercover cop in this school.

Oh, God. I'm gonna have to live in Sudden Valley.

[theme music plays]