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Uno

[THE INK SPOTS'

"ADDRESS UNKNOWN" PLAYING]

♪ Address unknown ♪

♪ Not even a trace of you ♪

♪ Oh, what I'd give ♪

♪ To see the face of you ♪

♪ I was a fool ♪

♪ To stay away ♪

♪ From you so long ♪

♪ I should have known ♪

♪ There'd come a day ♪

♪ When you'd be gone ♪

♪ Address unknown ♪

♪ Oh, how could I be

So blind? ♪

♪ To think that you ♪

♪ Would never be

Hard to find ♪

♪ From the place

Of your birth ♪

♪ To the ends of the earth ♪

♪ I've searched only to find ♪

♪ Only to find ♪

♪ Address unknown ♪

♪ Address unknown ♪

♪ Honey child ♪

♪ I ain't even got

A trace of you ♪

♪ You know one thing? ♪

♪ I'd give anything

In the world ♪

♪ Just to see

The face of you ♪

♪ I was a fool ♪

♪ To stay away from you ♪

♪ And everything else

So long ♪

♪ I should have been

Diplomatic ♪

♪ And figured that someday ♪

♪ You'd be solid gone ♪

♪ Address unknown ♪

♪ Oh, how could I be ♪

♪ So blind? ♪

♪ To think that you ♪

♪ Would never be

Hard to find ♪

♪ From the place

Of your birth ♪

♪ To the ends of the earth ♪

♪ I've searched only to find ♪

♪ Only to find ♪

♪ Address unknown ♪

WOMAN 1 [ON TV]:

Yeah, that is some detail.

That is some Western detail

right there. Western detail.

Attention to detail.

He's even got the spurs

on the back of his boots,

and they're sharp.

WOMAN 2: Ha, ha. Love it.

WOMAN 1: They are.

The clock is gone on

this piece, Christine, so...

WOMAN 2: Oh, my goodness.

WOMAN 1: Let's just move on.

WOMAN 2:

Well, from time to time, people

make mistakes, that's okay.

This is our first Renoir

of the evening.

This is a heliogravure,

which is an etching.

It was hand pulled from

a copperplate in Paris in 1919.

We know this because

that's what it says on the back

where the certificate

of authenticity is located.

Just as lovely as can be.

Look at the soft, delicate

shading, very feminine.

This is a limited edition.

This is what you're looking for

if you are a Renoir fan.

WOMAN 1:

One hundred, oh, my goodness.

Right at the buzzer.

WOMAN 2:

Whoo! Good.

MAN 1 [ON TV]:

--of the few exceptions

is the African pancake

tortoise,

which has

a flat, flexible shell

that allows it to hide

in rock crevasses--

MAN 2:

--big swath of light

to moderate snow

from the Broken Bow area

down toward Kearney,

Hastings, Grand Island.

That is all moving

in our direction,

so I do think

around 7 to 8:00

the snow will become pretty

steady here across the region

with all this

moving on top of us,

and that's really gonna

knock down visibility.

And again, snow-covered roads

are gonna be definitely

likely this evening,

making it even slippier--

More slippery.

--than it is out there

at this time.

There's that winter weather

advisory in effect

till very early

tomorrow morning.

[♪♪♪]

The bitter cold weather

helped break up the compactions

we created this fall

in our fields.

[PEOPLE CONTINUE SPEAKING

INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

SAUL [ON TV]:

Don't let false allegations

bully you into an unfair fight.

Hi, I'm Saul Goodman,

and I will do

the fighting for you.

No charge is too big for me.

When legal forces have you

cornered, better call Saul.

I'll get your case dismissed.

I'll give you

the defense you deserve.

Why? Because I'm Saul Goodman,

attorney at law.

I investigate, advocate,

persuade,

and most importantly, win.

Better call Saul.

Do you feel doomed?

Have opponents of freedom

wrongly intimidated you?

Maybe they told you

you're in serious trouble,

and there's nothing you can do.

I'm Saul Goodman,

and I'm here to tell you

that they're wrong.

It's never too late

for justice. Better call--

[♪♪♪]

[SLURPING]

JIMMY:

I think... your brain is just not all there yet.

If we were all held responsible for what we did when we were 19...

[JIMMY CHUCKLES]

I remember what it was like to be a kid. Think back.

[CHUCKLES]

It's all--

Judge, what would you say?

These boys, 19, I can't--

I don't--

These three young men, just like you.

Just like...

Psst.

Oh, to be 19 again. You with me, ladies and gentlemen?

Do you remember 19?

Let me tell you, the juices are flowing, the red corpuscles are corpuscling, the grass is green and it's soft, and summer's gonna last forever.

[JIMMY CHUCKLES]

Now do you remember?

Yeah, you do.

Ahem. But if you're being honest, I mean, really honest, you'll recall that you also had an underdeveloped

19-year-old brain.

Me, personally, heh, if I were held accountable for some of the stupid decisions

I made when I was 19, oh-ho, boy, wow.

And I bet if we were in church right now, I'd get a big "amen."

Which brings us to these three.

Now, these three knuckleheads--

And I'm sorry, boys, but that's what you are.

--they did a dumb thing.

We're not denying that.

However, I would like you to remember two salient facts.

Fact one, nobody got hurt.

Not a soul. Very important to keep that in mind.

Fact two.

Now, the prosecution keeps bandying this term

"criminal trespass."

Mr. Spinauzo, the property owner, admitted to us that he keeps most portions of his business open to the public both day and night.

So trespassing?

It's a bit of a reach, don't you think, Dave?

[JIMMY CHUCKLES]

Here's what I know.

These three young men, near honor students all, were feeling their oats one Saturday night and they just... went a little bananas.

I don't know. Call me crazy, but I don't think they deserve to have their bright futures ruined by a momentary, minute, never-to-be-repeated lapse of judgment.

Ladies and gentlemen... you're bigger than that.

[BOYS LAUGHING ON VIDEO]

BOY 1: Kenny, are you rolling?

KENNY: Yeah, wait a minute.

Yeah, baby. Yeah. Ha, ha.

BOY 1: Tone it down.

Chill out, would you?

Hey, Miss Watson's

fourth period biology class,

this one's for you.

Watch and learn, losers.

KENNY: Oh, yeah.

[BOYS LAUGHING ON VIDEO]

KENNY:

Oh, God.

BOY 2:

Dude, where'd all the blood go?

BOY 1:

He's dead.

They suck it all out, dumb-ass.

BOY 2:

Awesome. Where do they put it?

BOY 2:

All right, I'm through

the neck bone now, dude.

Kenny, get over here.

KENNY: I'm getting it.

BOY 1: Get a shot of this.

KENNY: Fine, fine.

BOY 2: Here, let me do it.

BOY 1: I got it.

All right.

All right.

KENNY: Oh, my God.

BOY 2:

You're sawing like a pussy.

Let me do it.

BOY 1:

Would you get off? Chill out.

BOY 2: All right.

BOY 1: Wait, wait.

Okay.

Wait for it. Wait.

[BOYS LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Yeah!

Come on. Yeah, baby. Yeah.

BOY 1: Oh, my God.

BOY 2:

I dare you to stick your wang

in the throat hole.

BOY 1:

I will if you will, loser.

BOY 2:

All right, all right.

JIMMY:

What the hell kind of math is that?

WOMAN:

Seven hundred per defense.

No, no, no. "Defendant."

"Dant."

Three defendants, 2100.

Which, by the way, bargain.

What I did for them.

WOMAN:

They going to jail, ain't they?

So since when does that matter?

They had sex with a head.

Look, didn't nobody tell you to try all three of them together.

One trial, $700.

You're gonna miss me.

You are gonna miss me because it'll be a cold day in hell before I do any more PD work for this shitty court.

Sayonara, baby.

You have yourself a nice day.

[METAL DETECTOR BEEPING

AND WHINING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]

Law offices of James McGill, how may I direct your call?

Yes, Mrs. Kettleman, so good of you to return.

Actually, I don't have

Mr. McGill at the moment, but I know he--

Oh, splendid.

Uh, unfortunately, our offices are being painted, and the fumes are quite horrid.

Could he meet you and your husband at, say, uh, Loyola's Café on Central?

Four o'clock it shall be.

Cheers.

[CHUCKLES]

[ENGINE STARTS]

MIKE:

Ahem. Three dollars.

Uh, I'm validated.

See the stickers?

Well, I see five stickers.

You're one shy. That's $3.

[SIGHS]

They gave me-- Look,

I'm validated for the entire day, okay?

Five stickers, six stickers,

I don't know from stickers because...

I was in that court back there saving people's lives, so...

Gee, that's swell.

And thank you for restoring my faith in the judicial system.

Now, you either pay the $3, or you go back inside and you get an additional sticker.

Son of a bitch.

Fine. You win.

Hooray for you.

Backing up. I have to back up.

I need more stickers.

Don't have enough stickers.

Thank you. Thank you. Very nice.

Employee of the month over here.

[CLAPPING]

Yeah. Hooray. Give him a medal.

Don't do anything, guys.

Just relax, all right?

Well, I'm just fuzzy as to why you think he needs a lawyer.

I mean, Craig, the way you run your office is beyond reproach.

Beyond reproach.

Yeah.

I'm a stickler, you know--

He is. He's a stickler with the money.

He's definitely a stickler.

Yeah. Yeah.

He's certainly not guilty of some--

Certainly not.

He's innocent of any wrongdoing, that's abundantly clear to me.

And frankly, I don't go looking for guilty people to represent.

I mean, who needs that aggravation, right?

Ha, ha.

Right.

Look, all I know is what I read in the paper.

And typically when money goes missing from the county treasury--

And the number here is, uh, 1.6 million?

BOTH:

Well, that's an accounting discrepancy.

It's a discrepancy, absolutely.

But typically when that happens the police look at the treasurer.

And since that person is, uh...

[CHUCKLES]

I just think a little proactivity may be in order.

I just think I'd look guilty if I hired a lawyer.

Yeah.

Actually, it's getting arrested that makes people look guilty, even the innocent ones.

And innocent people get arrested every day.

And they find themselves in a little room with a detective who acts like he's their best friend.

"Talk to me," he says.

"Help me clear this thing up."

"You don't need a lawyer, only guilty people need lawyers."

And, boom, hey, that's when it all goes south.

That's when you want someone in your corner.

Someone who will fight tooth and nail.

Lawyers, we're like health insurance.

You hope you never need it, but, man, oh, man, not having it? No.

[CHUCKLES]

Phew.

How, ahem, would we proceed if we decided to, uh--?

Oh. Well, this is a letter of engagement.

It's very simple, straightforward.

Please, uh, read it closely.

But if you sign it, um,

I can get started on that defense strategy of ours this very afternoon.

BETSY:

Craig,

I think maybe we should sleep on it.

Uh, sure.

Don't you think, Mr. McGill?

We should sleep on it.

Oh, please, call me Jimmy. Heh.

Absolutely.

I mean, there's no rush.

Oh, and you know, Craig, we gotta pick up the kids.

CRAIG: Oh. Right.

BETSY: At the...

BETSY: Yeah.

CRAIG: Yeah. Heh.

Well, uh, we will be in touch.

Uh, thank you for the coffee, and for the advice.

You're very, very welcome.

Oh. Um...

Here. Take this. It's, uh, got my phone number on it.

BETSY: Yeah. Okay.

CRAIG: Got it.

The number is 9456, 0054,

4896, 0643, and the expiration is 11, '04.

Okay, and the key word here is "classy," all right?

Super classy.

Use only flowers that look expensive, but, you know, aren't.

Uh, and the note should say:

"Dear Betsy and Craig.

"Uh, best wishes from your stickler for justice,

James McGill."

Okay? And McGill is spelled M-C--

Well, run it again.

Well, no, no, no. It's paid up.

Run it again--

[SKATER YELLS]

[PANTING]

[WHIMPERING]

SKATER 2:

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Oh, my God, Cal.

Cal. Look at me.

Buddy, look at me.

Are you okay? Say something.

What did you do?

What did you do to my brother?

Why don't you look where you're going?

He came out of nowhere.

You freaking hit him, man.

You ran him over.

[COUGHING]

You ran over my brother.

I got the whole thing on video.

It was an accident.

It was an accident.

He didn't--

He didn't mean to.

Look, let me just-- Aah!

It's broke. Is it broke?

It's my leg.

You broke his leg.

It's my leg.

Why you driving around and not looking?

Driving around breaking people's legs.

Okay.

Somebody call the cops.

Don't call the police.

Police.

JIMMY:

Don't call the police.

Don't call the police.

Call them myself.

Don't call the police.

Don't call the cops?

No.

How you gonna fix this?

What are you gonna do to make things right?

I don't know, fellas.

What can I do to make it right?

[SIGHS]

I don't know.

Five hundred dollars.

Five hundred bucks? Yeah?

Yeah.

Ow. What the hell, man?

Listen, Starlight Express.

I'm gonna give you a 9.6 for technique,

0.0 for choice of victim.

I'm a lawyer.

Furthermore, does this steaming pile of crap scream "payday" to you, huh?

The only way that entire car is worth 500 bucks is if there's a $300 hooker sitting in it.

Now, let's talk about what you owe me for the windshield.

I'll take a check.

[WOMEN CHATTERING]

[LATIN POP MUSIC

PLAYING OVER RADIO]

Chào cô, ladies.

[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Chào cô, Mrs. Nguyen.

My, don't you look...?

My mail?

You work for people who have sex with chopped-off head?

Was it in the paper?

I heard it from my cousin.

Why? Why you work for these people?

Ahem. Just lucky, I guess.

Cucumber water for customer only.

[WASHING MACHINE WHIRRING]

[SIGHS]

[BEEPING]

FEMALE VOICE:

You have zero messages.

[♪♪♪]

[ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS]

Brenda, looking good.

Nice 'do. Uh, where's Lord Vader?

He's not quite ready for you yet.

South conference room.

How about you wait out here?

How about I don't? Heh.

Oh, Sir Francis.

James.

Well groomed, as always.

Okay.

All right.

Keith, Karen. Yes.

You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Hamlin, and I won't have it.

BRENDA [OVER INTERCOM]:

Do you want me

to call security?

It's okay, Brenda.

We got it.

JIMMY:

Hey, Jack.

Hey, Nate. Hey, Aaron.

What can we do for you, Jimmy?

I'm sorry, it's this table.

Something just comes over me.

You can tell me what this, uh,

26,000 is supposed to be for.

That's money for Chuck.

Isn't that what you wanted?

A measly 26 grand?

Heh. Jesus, you're like

Peter Minuit with the Indians.

Throw in some beads and shells while you're at it.

It's just a start, there'll be more.

Unless you're gonna just tear them all up.

And why was it made out to me?

Why not Chuck?

Can he make his way to the bank?

I just assumed it was best to have the money go through you.

We can do it any way you want.

This isn't going away,

Howard.

What Chuck did for this firm, and damn near single-handedly, one-third of this place belongs to him. Yeah.

What have you got,

12 chairs here?

Four of these chairs are Chuck's.

You got five of these light thingamajigs, uh, one and two-thirds are Chuck's. Yeah.

How many Danishes?

Six Danishes?

You can have all the Danish you want.

No, no.

They're Chuck's Danishes.

And Chuck isn't greedy, so he'll just take two, plus $17 million.

In that ballpark.

I mean, we'll know once we get the accountants poking around here.

Until then, no more penny ante checks designed to make it look like Chuck still works here.

He doesn't.

He never will again.

It's time to do right by him and cash him out.

So these are Chuck's own wishes that you're conveying?

This is what's best for him.

So he personally told you that it's his wish to withdraw from the firm?

See, that would surprise me.

It's been nearly a year since he set foot in here.

I'm just doing what's in his best interests.

So am I. And I, for one, believe he's gonna lick this thing.

Until then, his office is just as he left it.

His secretary is still on payroll.

If Chuck can call this an extended sabbatical, then so can we.

He's that important to us.

You know what?

Let's let a jury figure it out.

Yeah. They're gonna love you, Howard.

You're so down to earth and relatable.

And you will atone.

It's Ned Beatty from Network.

For chrissakes, guys.

Jimmy.

I almost forgot.

This month's filings.

You can save me the postage.

Weren't you listening in there?

Chuck doesn't work here anymore.

Think I'm gonna help you establish a paper trail?

Jimmy--

Stop trying to pawn that shit off on him.

Jimmy.

You know, Jimmy, sometimes in our line of work, you can get so caught up in the idea of winning that you forget to listen to your heart.

Give Chuck my love, would you?

Oh, there you are.

Betsy, Craig.

BETSY:

Hi. Oh, Craig, you need your own purse.

HOWARD: Did it work out?

BETSY: Yeah. Ha, ha.

It was very nice.

You look lovely today.

Oh, thank you so much.

[♪♪♪]

Couldn't you just--?

You know I can't.

[♪♪♪]

[TYPEWRITER CLICKING]

[THUDDING THEN

OBJECTS CLATTERING]

JIMMY:

Son of a bitch.

CHUCK: You ground yourself?

JIMMY: Yes, I grounded myself.

JIMMY:

You gotta stop putting bacon on the list.

That cooler's looking like a trichinosis stew.

Perfect timing.

[SIGHS]

Professor Brans Vogelson?

Mm-hm.

University of Helsinki?

Yeah, you're gonna have to get that translated.

Into Swedish?

Finnish.

Finish, uh, translating into--?

I'm sure there's someone at UNM who can do that.

You do know I'm trying to start a legal practice?

Vogelson's been working on the effects of electromagnetic fields on zebrafish and--

Oh. Financial Times.

Yeah, I knew you missed it, so I figured, what the heck?

Thank you. I know it's expensive here.

That's not--

I don't expect you to go out-of-pocket.

Go ahead, reimburse yourself.

Thanks.

Hey, Chuck, uh, can you not read that for second?

Can we talk?

Are you all right?

You look peaked.

I'm fine.

Please, just sit.

You're not in trouble?

Um...

You gotta cash out.

You gotta.

Again? Really?

There's no other way.

I know that you don't wanna hear it, but you've got to.

You know I'm going to beat this.

You know I'm going to get better.

Yeah, sure.

Well, then there's nothing more to talk about.

I will beat this. Ergo, a falsis

principiis proficisci.

Meaning...

That's not--

Meaning.

That's the one about false principles--

You proceed from false principles.

Your argument is built on quicksand, therefore it collapses.

Yeah, you're not listening.

Ah. Fine. Let's take this to its logical conclusion.

In order to pay out my share, suppose my partners are forced to liquidate the firm.

Then what?

That's their problem.

My clients are out in the cold.

My cases are scattered to the winds,

126 people lose their jobs.

What happens to your cronies in the mailroom?

The assistants, paralegals, the janitorial staff, all of them out on the street.

Your friend Kim, a promising career, over and done with.

Hamlin owes you everything.

You built that place singlehandedly while he was at Four Hills working on his bunker shot.

Let's not exaggerate. I helped.

You helped.

[SCOFFS]

All the more reason not to tear it down just for a little bit of cash.

Chuck, I'm going under.

Okay?

For the third time, with these bull-crap contract counsel--

Bull crap?

Bull crap, pissant,

PD cases at 700 bucks a shot.

Public defender work is some of the best experience there is.

I just had a case, Chuck, with three clients.

Uh, arraignment, voir dire, jury trial, the whole nine yards.

You know what I took home?

Seven hundred bucks.

I might as well head down to skid row and sell plasma.

You're representing people who have nowhere else to turn.

Money is beside the point.

Money is not beside the point.

Money is the point.

I keep telling you, have patience.

There are no shortcuts.

Do good work and the clients--

The clients will come.

Yeah, I know.

Okay.

Hand to God, I wasn't gonna say this, but you are broke.

I can't carry both of us.

I've been trying like hell, but I can't.

[CHUCKLES]

You're saying, what, you think you have to provide for me?

I never asked you that.

You didn't have to ask, okay?

I've been doing my damnedest, but the day of reckoning is here.

Soon, Chuck, you're gonna be out on the street with all the electromagnetism in the world raining down on you.

Now, please, please, picture that, then tell me that money is beside the point.

This is what has you all worked up?

Yeah.

Jimmy, there's nothing to worry about.

Here.

What is this?

A stipend. There's gonna be one every week.

Eight hundred and fifty seven dollars from Hamlin Hamlin McGill.

I'm gonna pay him back.

Every penny.

I didn't wanna take anything, but Howard was very insistent.

And I'm gonna pay you back too.

Hamlin was here?

It's not like I'm a recluse.

He put his cell phone in the mailbox?

He understands the situation.

He grounded himself?

Of course.

And the two of you agreed that since, as everybody knows, you're going back to work any day now, the firm should help you make ends meet?

That's correct, minus the sarcasm.

Hamlin's making you a chump.

I'm going to get better!

I'm gonna go back to work, and

I'm picking up where I left off.

[SIGHS]

Sorry.

Sorry, Chuck.

I understand that you're trying to look out for me, but you're missing the bigger picture.

I got it.

Speaking of which...

Howard brought this.

He's concerned.

What?

You have to admit, it could be confusing.

Hamlin Hamlin McGill.

James M. McGill.

That's my name,

I was born with it. I--

Still.

How about "Vanguard Law"?

Or "Gibraltar." Ple--

Wait, so I'm not supposed to use my name on Hamlin's say-so?

What's he gonna do, sue me?

Nobody wants to create an adversarial situation.

I'm sure Howard would gladly pay the cost of new matchbooks and so on.

It's simply a matter of professional courtesy.

Chuck, whose side are you on?

There are no sides.

But, Jimmy...

[SIGHS]

Wouldn't you rather build your own identity?

Why ride on someone else's coattails?

[SIGHS]

You wanna dance, Howard?

Let's dance.

MAN:

Yeah, backside on it.

Go.

You can get closer than that, you bitch. Come on.

All right, here it comes.

There you go. Better.

How was that?

It's all right.

Here, take a look.

So tighter. Everything--

Tighter? What--? Tighter what?

I don't know, just stand tighter. You know what I mean?

I don't know what you mean.

That's a-- We can call that a stylistic choice, I guess.

Hey, fellas. We got business.

How did you find us?

JIMMY:

I know. Eerie, right?

Whoa, come on.

Give me 30 seconds.

Could be the most profitable

30 seconds of your lives.

Let me tell you about a young guy.

Actually, he's about your age.

He lived a long way from here in a town called

Cicero, Illinois.

And in Cicero, he was the man.

I mean, when he strolled down the street, all the corner boys would give him the high five.

All the finest babes would smile at him and hope that he would smile back.

They called him Slippin' Jimmy, and everybody wanted to be his friend.

Slippin' Jimmy.

What the hell kind of name is that?

Well, I'll tell you now.

Winters in Cicero are murder.

You guys, growing up out here in the Golden West, you don't know. Okay?

I'm talking cold that'll freeze the snot right in your nose.

I'm talking wind that'll cut through your jacket and carve you up like a Ginsu knife.

In fact, most folks in Cicero were scared of winter.

But not Jimmy.

Jimmy would wait around all summer, and when September finally rolled around, and he'd feel that first cold wind come sweeping off Lake Michigan, he knew it was coming.

Was it Christmas?

Was it Kwanzaa?

Better.

It was slip-and-fall season.

As soon as it was cold enough, he'd find a nice, smooth patch of ice.

State Street was good,

Michigan Avenue was better.

He'd pick his spot, wait for it to get busy, then he'd walk out on the ice and boom.

He would biff it so hard people would come running from five blocks away.

Yeah, but did he collect?

"Did he collect?"

Slippin' Jimmy had it dialed in.

One good fall, he'd clear 6, 8 grand.

That'd keep him in

Old Milwaukee and Maui Waui right through Labor Day.

Eight grand?

Eight grand.

Now, see, I look at you guys,

I see potential.

The skateboard's a nice wrinkle, that makes it a year-round gig.

Clearly, you know how to take a header. Right?

But I gotta ask you, your best day ever, how much did you clear?

Six hundred and thirty.

Six hundred and thirty.

[CHUCKLES]

Six hundred and thirty bucks?

Was that for one fall?

Two.

Two falls in one day?

[JIMMY CHUCKLES]

Even at your age, that's gotta hurt.

True that.

All right. Well,

I got a job for you.

How's 2 grand sound?

Two grand for one hit?

One hit.

Plus you get to learn from the best.

CAL: Nice boat.

JIMMY: Yeah.

Discrete, like a stripper pole in a mosque.

Forget the boat.

Look at the car.

You know what that is?

I don't know, a station wagon?

It's a Mercury.

A 1988 Mercury Sable wagon.

Remember it. Burn it into your brains, you got it?

It's a Mercury Sable wagon, sure.

JIMMY:

Close your eyes.

What color is it?

Brown.

Brown.

No, it's medium sandalwood.

Keep your eyes closed.

How does the license plate start?

BOTH:

Four.

JIMMY:

Give those gentlemen a gold star.

Betsy Kettleman's her name.

Every weekday between 2:25 and 2:50 she comes through here on her way to pick up her kids at Kit Carson Elementary.

You need a place where she's gonna slow down, right?

Yeah.

All right. Well, there you go.

She slows down, she hangs a right, you come shooting out of there and do what you did to me.

You go ass over teakettle, you make it a blue-ribbon special.

When she gets out of the car, you're suffering

Saint Sebastian, right?

You're the hammer.

You get in her face, you scare the bejeezus out of her.

Give me your phone.

It's kind of busy here, don't you think?

Yeah. Witnesses are good.

Witnesses are pressure, all right?

Now, once you've got her good and rattled, then you call for an ambulance, but really you're calling for me.

I'm number one on your speed dial, next to your weed dealer.

You call me,

I hotfoot it over here.

I just "happened" to be driving by.

I stop to see what the trouble is, and this is the important part, you don't know me.

We've never met. You got it?

Sure.

Okay.

Now, I'm Mrs. K's white knight.

We go mano a mano.

You light into me, okay?

Get nasty.

No touching, leave the hair alone, but otherwise, you know, open season.

Yell, stomp, call me a douche bag.

I'm gonna play it cool, give you back some of the razzmatazz, and once she's seen the fireworks, you fold like a lawn chair.

Happy ending.

When do we get our money?

After.

"After."

After.

You get paid when I get paid.

I'm the rising tide that raises all dinghies.

Now, pop quiz.

What's the car?

Mercury Sable wagon.

Baby-poop brown.

Okay, do you know me?

No.

Damn straight.

Go with God.

JIMMY:

Well, I'm just glad

I happened to be passing by.

Happy to be of help, Betsy.

May I call you Betsy?

Ahem. Please, call me James.

Oh, the kid will be fine.

Don't worry.

He just got his bell rung a little. I'll handle that.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no.

I wouldn't think of, uh, taking your money for this, so...

The embezzlement case? Yes,

I'd be happy to talk it over.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, shit.

Two-minute warning.

Two-minute warning.

Got it.

[♪♪♪]

[PANTING]

[♪♪♪]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[PEOPLE SHRIEKING

AND GASPING]

Oh, my God.

MAN:

What happened?

WOMAN:

Call 911.

LARS:

Oh, my God. Cal. Cal.

Look at me. Are you okay?

Buddy, say something.

Cal, look at me.

Come on already.

What is she doing in there?

She making a sandwich?

Where's her sense of responsibility?

What?

What?

Hey! What the..?

Funny to run into you,

Betsy.

I was just, uh, strolling the neighborhood.

You were in an accident?

Oh, that's...

[SIGHS]

Come on.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Yeah.

LARS: She took off on us.

She what?

It was textbook, man.

We were diamonds.

But then she just took off.

Okay, wait. She hit and run?

That's what I'm saying.

She bailed and wailed.

Okay, just stay where you are.

I'll come get you.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

No, no, no. Screw that, man.

We're following her.

JIMMY:

You're-- How are--?

You're following her how?

LARS:

We got our ways, yo.

JIMMY:

Okay, okay, okay.

New plan. New plan.

You do know me.

I'm your lawyer. You got that?

I'll meet you at the school.

No, she's way past the school.

She hooked a left on Juan Tabo, now she's coming into

Holiday Park.

Okay, stay with her.

When she gets where she's going, wherever that is, don't do anything.

Wait for me.

Wait for what?

You haven't been right even once. Slippin' Jimmy, my ass.

You fell into the honeypot, kid.

You get it?

Hit-and-run is a felony.

So what?

"So what?" So more money.

He says we fell in the honeypot.

He says more money.

So, what do we need him for?

Cal, Lars, whoever--

Oh, damn it.

Come on, come on.

[LINE RINGING]

CAL [ON RECORDING]:

Do it, do it, do it.

Son of a bitch.

Come on. Come on.

Hey, your leg.

Oh, I'm gonna do this one.

Okay. Hey. Hey. Yo, hold up.

Ah! Ah!

Hey, yeah, you.

What is the matter with you?

You hit and run.

You ran him over.

You felonied my brother.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Habla English.

We call-- We call la policia.

La policia gonna be pissed.

I see you hit him.

You see that windshield?

You did that.

I did that.

You did that.

CAL: You did that to me.

LARS: Now you pay.

CAL:

Make with the dinero.

Dinero?

Sí, righteous dinero.

[WOMAN AND LARS

SPEAK IN SPANISH]

Okay.

Yeah, that's what

I'm talking about. Okay.

Let's go.

CAL: Is that money?

LARS: Yeah.

Watch the step.

Watch the step.

Watch it. Watch the step.

[♪♪♪]

Where are you?

Holiday Park.

Mrs. Kettleman, Betsy, what are you doing here?

Hit-and-run?

That's very serious.

I can mediate.

I represent their parents, so...

Come on, come on.

[♪♪♪]

Open up, officer of the court.

Open up in the name of the law.

Good afternoon, this--

[♪♪♪]