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Mijo

[KNIFE SLICING AND CHOPPING]

[MAN HUMMING]

[SIZZLING]

ABUELITA [IN SPANISH]:

Mijo! Mijo, are you here?

[IN SPANISH] I'm in the kitchen.

LARS: It's really messed up.

ABUELITA:

Mijo, I don't know what to do.

These boys, these boys...

Hey, hello. Habla English.

Hey, are you the son?

Ow.

Grandson.

Listen, I was driving, and suddenly there was a noise.

She hit him while driving.

I think I hit him.

My leg.

Grandma, don't worry.

It's all right.

Oh, my God!

But they're so angry!

The crazy old biznatch ran over my brother.

It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. It hurts so bad.

You see? He's hurt.

Look at that.

Yeah, it's this one.

She broke his leg, then she stood on the gas.

That's a hit-and-run.

She felonied me.

That's a felony.

We got the whole thing here.

[IN ENGLISH]

Okay, hold on.

Let me talk to her.

Start talking.

Good.

[IN SPANISH]

Grandma, everything is okay.

What is happening?

Aah! I need to lean on you.

He can't put pressure on it.

ABUELITA: I didn't mean to...

It's definitely broken.

CAL:

Es muy mal for my leg-o.

LARS: Lean on this.

Isn't your show starting?

CAL: It really hurts.

Why don't you go upstairs?

They say I'm in trouble.

CAL: Dude.

There's no problem.

LARS: Yes, sí, problema.

And now dos problemas.

CAL: Aah!

Dude.

Everything's all right.

I'll take care of it.

Turn it up so you can hear it, okay? Really loud.

CAL:

I don't know what you're saying, man.

Dude. Dude.

We got a real problem here.

Yeah, sí, problema.

[ABUELITA MUMBLING

IN SPANISH]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, amigo, what're you gonna do about this leg situation?

I really need a doctor.

Doctors ain't cheap, yo.

It's gonna cost.

Either you or her, somebody's gotta pay.

[IN ENGLISH]

You want money?

Yes.

Yeah, damn straight.

Hit-and-run? It's no joke.

What are the cops gonna say?

Cops? They coming?

[STAMMERS]

Yeah, maybe.

That's up to you, man.

They could be looking at this tape.

It's all up to you.

[GRUNTING]

You called her "biznatch"?

I didn't--

Whatever. Hurry. I'm hurting.

Show us the green, or la policia is gonna come and take Granny away.

She's gonna go to jail.

You want that?

That's right.

Play it smart.

Okay, good.

So let's talk dollar amounts.

For what you did-- Unh!

Uhh!

Unh!

No!

Biznatch.

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE SPEAKING

IN SPANISH ON TV]

[THUDDING NEARBY]

[THUDDING CONTINUES]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[IN SPANISH]

What's happening?

[IN SPANISH]

Nothing. Everything's okay.

Are those men still here?

They're gone.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I'm in trouble, right?

No, everything is all right.

They're not going to bother you again.

What's that on my carpet?

I spilled salsa.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Abuelita...

I'll help you.

No, no, no,

I'm almost finished.

You're missing your show.

Oh...

Are you sure?

Let Mijo take care of it.

You're a very good boy.

Listen, don't forget to use club soda.

Yes, yes, don't worry.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[PHONE DIALING]

[IN ENGLISH]

Hey, get over here.

Yeah, my abuelita's.

Bring No-Doze, and tell Nacho to bring his van.

[SIGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Open up, officer of the court.

Open up in the name of the law.

Good afternoon, this--

[PANTING]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Showing hands.

I'm relaxed. Okay?

Um, non-threatening.

You move, and you're dead.

Got it.

Seems to be a misunderstanding.

Is there by any chance a Betsy Kettleman here?

Not sure if this is a situation where I should or should not look you in the eye.

Now sit.

Who are you?

Are you with those red-headed scumbags?

My name's James McGill.

I'm an attorney.

Uh, I got a call from some clients, something about an accident.

I did not get any details.

When I saw some skateboards in your front yard, I assumed--

[DOOR OPENS]

ABUELITA: Mijo!

Mijo, who's this man?

Is he with the others?

No, no. He's as salesman.

Grandma, I'll take care of it.

Where are you going?

I'm going to grab the club soda.

Mijo, I can still see the salsa you spilled.

You can't let it dry.

Grandma, I will get the club soda, I swear.

Trust me. Please, just go back upstairs.

Okay. But I don't want that to dry.

Because once it dries, you can't get it out.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[IN ENGLISH]

Talk.

I'm gonna make an educated guess what happened here.

My two clients, Frick and Frack, the mopheads, were in a simple traffic accident.

A minor fender-bender.

Maybe they were on the wrong side of the street, or they didn't look both ways.

It could happen to anyone. Heh.

My clients, exhibiting extremely poor judgment, uh, followed your grandmother to this delightful, well-tended home.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now, at this juncture,

I am deducing that they said or did something that crossed a line, and you, with some justification, you put them in their place.

[SIGHS]

Based on the salsa stain there, could've gone a couple ways.

The bottom line, not to be morbid, but if they're dead, um, I'm guessing that I'm, uh...

I'm gonna-- Yeah, I'm gonna go with glass half-full here and say they're not.

My point is, if they're still alive, why kill us?

Because of a misunderstanding?

Our own stupidity?

Why mess up your lovely

abuelita's place? Ha, ha.

Why jump to the nuclear option?

See, I'm saying keep it simple.

I will collect my moronic clients, and, poof, we are gone.

Neither you nor your lovely abuelita will ever lay eyes on us ever again.

Guaranteed.

Signed, sealed, and delivered.

Assuming, you know, that they're still breathing.

Wow.

You got a mouth on you.

Thank you.

Get up.

That way.

That way?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Why not?

[MUFFLED MUMBLING]

So I should, uh, cut them loose?

Ow!

It was him!

It was all his idea!

No, no, no!

TUCO: You shut up!

Say what?

He wanted to scam you.

He said we could clear

2 grand easy.

[♪♪♪]

TUCO:

You punking me?

[GUN COCKS]

Are you punking my abuelita?

He hit his head. He doesn't know what he's saying.

[CAL GRUNTING]

No.

TUCO: For what?

For what are you getting 2 grand?

It was for going after your grandma.

For taking a header over her car, and then for bracing her.

It was him, I swear.

It was the lawyer.

[♪♪♪]

[PANTING]

[BOTH MUMBLING]

Who are you?

Why are you after me?

I can explain.

You're gonna laugh, it's so--

I'm a lawyer. Check my ID, okay?

I was running a scam--

On my abuelita?!

Not on your abuelita.

Not on you.

There's a woman named Betsy Kettleman.

I mentioned her. She's married to Craig Kettleman, he's the treasurer of Bernalillo County.

I wanted his business.

He stole a million and a half bucks from the county.

He's gonna be indicted for embezzlement any day now.

That's a good case for me.

A lot of publicity.

I'll get my name out.

Anyway, I thought if I had these two run their little skateboard hustle on Mrs. Kettleman,

I could, you know, rescue her.

Come in, throw some oil on troubled waters, and get their business.

That was the plan.

But it turns out your lovely abuelita, she drives a car that's a whole lot like the Kettle-mobile.

So these two geniuses ran their little stunt on the wrong one.

So joke's on me. Ha, ha.

Simple as that.

[♪♪♪]

Where's he going?

What--?

Talk to me, okay?

Who do you think I am?

What is he getting?

I was running a scam to get a client.

I made a mistake, that's all this is.

Oh, jeez.

You don't need--

That's not--

I'll talk, okay?

Tell me what you want to know.

Who do you think I am?

Hey, use your words, okay?

[SNIFFS]

You know what I smell?

I smell lies.

I smell pork.

No, that's not necessary.

TUCO:

We know you're with the heat.

The question is, who?

Local, FBI, DEA?!

No, I'm a lawyer.

Just reach in my pocket right now. Right there.

[♪♪♪]

Truth.

That is the truth!

I'm a lawyer! I passed the bar!

Ask me anything!

Not contract law--

I'm down at the courts every day.

People know me.

I'm a known quantity. I am.

[JIMMY GRUNTS]

I'm-- I'm Special Agent

Jeffrey Steele, FBI.

FBI?

FBI.

I'm undercover, okay?

You got me.

I'm the tip of the spear.

Releasing me would be the smart move.

You hear that shit?

I told you the business was too good.

I knew it.

I told you.

Can I?

Okay, uh,

Special Agent, uh, Steele?

Jeffrey A. Steele.

Okay, Agent Steele, what business are we in?

Business?

You're investigating us, right?

For what? What did we do?

What do we sell?

Drugs.

What kind of drugs?

Uh...

It's Title 21,

Schedule II through Schedule V, including Part B.

That's what we call them down at the Bureau.

The task force is designated

Operation Kingbreaker--

Kingbreaker?

That makes me the king!

Whoo-hoo!

Can I?

All right.

The next words out of your mouth ought to be the truth.

You understand?

Uh-huh.

Who are you?

I'm James Morgan McGill, a lawyer trolling for business.

That's the truth.

Now, you find a Bible,

I'll swear on it.

What about, uh,

Operation Kingbreaker?

I made it up, okay?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I don't know you.

I don't want to.

Uh, this was a mistake.

It's my mistake. Okay?

I take full and complete responsibility, but...

I don't know any of your names, and I got a bad case of face blindness.

You let us go, we're gonna forget this happened.

Guys, we're gonna forget, right?

Nod your heads.

[MUFFLED MUMBLING]

Okay.

So if you'd just let us go...

I just--

We wanna just go home.

I say cut him loose.

He said he was FBI.

He admitted it.

You had your wire cutters on him.

He would've said anything.

You really see the FBI hiring those two flaquitos?

Maybe.

Croaking a lawyer for no reason is bad business.

He goes away, someone's gonna come look for him.

They walked into my house.

They disrespected my abuelita.

They called her "biznatch," and they just walk?!

Uh-uh!

What about the lawyer?

He's giving respect.

Okay.

"James M. McGill, a lawyer you can trust."

[♪♪♪]

I know how to find you,

James McGill.

Understand what I'm saying?

Yeah.

[GRUNTING

AND MOANING]

Up.

Okay?

Take him back to his car.

Thank you. Uh, this is good.

This is right. Thank you.

NO-DOZE:

Come on.

[SKATERS YELLING]

What-- What about them?

NO-DOZE: Come on.

JIMMY: Yeah, right.

NO-DOZE: Come on.

JIMMY: Yeah, right.

[SKATERS CONTINUE

YELLING]

[SKATERS SCREAMING]

NO-DOZE: Yo, where you going?

Wait. Can I say something?

NO-DOZE: Where you going?

Can you let them go?

Just let them go.

Are you stupid?

They don't deserve to die.

I put them up to it.

I don't deserve to die, but they don't either.

I'm gonna skin them like javelinas!

Forget about them!

They're insects!

Hey, think about their mother.

I spit on their mama!

She is a sweet little lady.

She's a widow.

She works hard, all day, every day, just like her mother before her, from dawn till dusk, scrubbing the floors of rich people.

She needs a cane to walk, you know.

She's got arthritis, and still she works every day.

What? For herself?

No, for them. For these two.

Her boys, they're apples of her eye.

You say they don't deserve her?

Maybe so.

But they're all she's got.

Now, you turn them inside out,

I want you to think about what happens to her.

That's on them. They should've thought about that.

When I was at your abuelita's place, you were gonna let them go.

The way I see it, that's because you're tough, but you're fair.

You're all about justice.

That's what I'm saying.

Justice.

These two shit-for-brains, these big-mouths?

You already beat the living hell out of them.

You think they're ever gonna forget today? Never.

Ten years from now, they're still gonna be crapping their Jockeys.

It's not enough.

Okay, okay.

Then let's talk proportionality.

They're guilty.

Agreed.

Now you have to decide, what's the right sentence?

Like a judge.

Like a judge.

Ever hear of the Code of Hammurabi?

Let the punishment fit the crime? Eye for an eye?

Eye for an eye.

You want me to blind them.

No, no.

All they did was trash-talk.

So I cut their tongues out!

Wait. See, I'm advising... that you make the punishment fit the crime.

"Punishment fit the crime."

Colombian neckties.

I cut their throats, and then I pull their lying tongues through the slits!

Biznatch!

Or you could give them black eyes.

Black eyes? Ha-ha-ha.

That ain't nothing.

That one there, holmes?

He already got a black eye, fool.

Stop helping.

Or you could sprain their ankles.

Sprain?

They're skateboarders, right?

That's how they run their scam.

They can't skate, you hit them where they live.

I ain't spraining nothing, bitch.

I'm gonna break their arms, then I'm gonna break their legs.

Arms? When did we get onto arms?

I'm cutting their legs off.

We could go that way, but we were talking about breaking.

We're heading in the wrong direction.

Okay.

Break their legs.

How many legs?

Two. They got two legs.

One leg, each.

One leg each?

One leg each.

Total of two legs.

Hey, look, they can't skateboard for six months, and they're scared of you forever.

You show everybody that you are the man, but that you're fair.

That you're just.

[SKATERS GRUNTING

AND YELLING]

One leg each.

That's tough, but it's fair.

All right, lay them out!

I ain't got all day!

It's hotter than shit out here!

[SKATERS SCREAMING]

Quit moving!

You're only gonna make it worse!

[BONE CRACKS

THEN SKATER SCREAMS]

[TUCO LAUGHS]

Look! Hell, yeah! Hell, yeah!

He said he had a broken leg, now he's got one for real.

You, tell your mama you're sorry, bitch.

Other one.

Hey, look, it's backwards.

[TUCO LAUGHS]

Check it out. I'm gonna do this one real clean.

[BONE CRACKS

THEN SKATER SCREAMS]

[TUCO LAUGHING]

TUCO:

Whoo!

[CAL & LARS SCREAMING]

Walk home now, bitch!

Shut up! Shut up!

[♪♪♪]

[SKATER GRUNTING]

Here you go. Here you go.

Easy, easy. Save your breath.

You are the worst lawyer!

The worst lawyer ever!

Hey, I just talked you down from a death sentence to six months' probation.

I'm the best lawyer ever.

Oh! Oh, my God!

[CHA-CHA MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[BREADSTICK CRACKS]

[BREADSTICKS

CONTINUE CRACKING]

♪ Cha-cha-cha ♪

Could you--?

Uh, could you, um--?

I'll be right back.

[VOMITS]

[CHUCK HUMMING]

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

Ground yourself?

Jimmy, did you ground yourself?

I don't think you grounded yourself.

Jesus.

Jimmy, you didn't drive like this, did you?

Oh, no.

[♪♪♪]

No. I knew it.

[GROANS]

[GROANING]

[CHUCKLES]

Chuck.

Coffee?

Yeah, thanks.

You're gonna have to take it black.

Out of milk?

Oh. Sorry.

Why are you in that space blanket?

You brought your cell phone in here last night.

It was in your pants pocket.

Oh.

Sorry about that.

Where--?

Uh, where is it?

Outside.

I threw it out the door.

[GRUNTS]

How did I get here?

Your car's not outside, so I'm assuming taxi.

[GROANS]

Right, uh, the bartender wouldn't let me drive.

Why are you in that space blanket?

I told you, you brought your cell phone into my house.

Chuck, uh, did you...?

Chuck, did you read this?

Read what?

Uh, this bill, did you read it?

Emergency room bill.

I may have glanced at it.

It fell out of your pocket.

Hey, Chuck, listen.

I know how this looks.

I'm down to my last dime, and suddenly

I'm paying for broken legs.

But it's not that, I swear.

This represents a good thing, ultimately.

Okay.

I'm not backsliding.

This isn't Slippin' Jimmy.

Fine.

Take off the space blanket, will you, please, Chuck?

It helps.

Take off the space blanket.

I didn't do anything wrong.

It has nothing to do with that.

It was your phone.

[SIGHS]

Take off the space blanket.

Why?

Take off the space blanket,

Chuck.

Come on.

Take off the blanket.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Thank you.

Front yard?

Yeah.

Uh, do you have any idea where it landed?

No.

[SIGHS]

WOMAN:

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. No. No.

What do you want?

Not to starve to death.

What do you say?

You got something for me?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[SIGHS]

It's showtime, folks.

[♪♪♪]

[DOOR BUZZES]

GUARD: Clovis, lawyer.

I'm gonna kill him.

Your Honor, I'm very sorry.

I'll never do it again.

Say what?

Just...

Your Honor, I'm very sorry, and I'll never do it again.

Okay, Mr. Pearson.

Up you go. All right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I told you a suit, remember?

You want to look sharp.

That's a loaner, okay?

I need it back. Let's go.

Petty with a prior.

Kid took a slice of pizza.

Petty with a prior.

The parents are a train wreck.

There's no food in the house.

He was hungry.

Petty with a prior.

Come on.

You're light on stickers.

JIMMY: Come on.

Five dollars.

You serious?

You got four, you need five.

There's four 90-minute stickers.

You've been here six hours and five minutes.

It takes ten minutes to walk down here.

Five dollars, or you go get another sticker.

This makes you feel real important, huh?

Not enough stickers?

More stickers?

[♪♪♪]

It's showtime, folks.

It's showtime.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Petty with a prior.

Prior will stay on his sheet for life.

Petty with a prior.

You're overcharging him.

Petty with a prior.

That lady up there?

She shorts me every time, okay?

This is not a me problem, this is a you problem.

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

It's showtime.

It's from a movie.

[♪♪♪]

GUARD:

Hey!

Okay, hold it.

Petty with a prior.

Misdemeanor shoplifting.

Petty with a prior.

Meet me halfway.

Petty, with a prior.

Ugh. I can't do it.

Petty with a prior.

Okay, how about this?

I plead the kid to the sheet.

You give me a continued sentence.

He gets six months.

If he's still clean, you file for a dismissal.

Come on. This is how you want to spend your time?

You can have the rest of these.

[GATE BUZZES]

GUARD:

Berger, lawyer.

Mr. Berger, we've met before, haven't we?

Mr. Edison, like the inventor?

I'm James McGill.

I'll be your lawyer.

Doesn't matter.

Judge has gotta see your mother.

Well, do you know anybody who looks like her?

No, an uncle won't do it.

Okay, so a fire was started.

We all know that.

Freezing, shivering, as she is now.

In fact, wrote a book about it.

To make some cookies.

But because you--

Given her this name--

You can see that this man--

Chose--

A bonehead move.

[♪♪♪]

You're like a troll under a bridge.

"You must have the stickers, or you won't pass."

Troll alert here. Don't feed it.

[SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING

OVER SPEAKERS]

Chào cô, ladies.

[WOMEN SPEAK

IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Good evening, Ms. Nguyen.

No mail.

Hey, Vicki, Maggie.

[WASHING MACHINE WHIRRING]

[SIGHS]

FEMALE VOICE:

You have zero messages.

[SIGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Customer.

What?

For you, a customer.

Waiting now.

Uh, sure, sure.

Give me a minute.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Welcome, welcome.

My office is being painted.

Excuse the temporary, uh, quarters.

Wow.

Cozy.

Just me.

[CHUCKLES]

Tuco freaked you out, huh?

It's cool.

He doesn't know I'm here.

So, uh... what can I do for you?

I've been thinking about what you said out there in the desert.

Those people that you were trying to scam, how much did they steal?

Um...

North of a million and a half bucks, I think.

So they have a million and a half bucks somewhere.

In what, cash?

I don't--

Why are you asking me?

I'm gonna rip them off.

Oh.

I like ripping off thieves, because they can't go to the cops.

They have no recourse.

Hmm.

You point me at where they have their cash,

I'll pay you-- Uh, what do you call it? --a finder's fee.

Call it 10 percent,

100 large.

Wha--?

Why would you come to me for that?

You already tried ripping them off.

I'm gonna finish what you started.

I wasn't trying to rip them off.

I just wanted their business.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

I don't know where their money is.

Smart guy like you can figure it out.

Find out what I need to know, nobody gets hurt.

We rip them off, easy money.

Look, I'm a lawyer, not a criminal.

[CHUCKLES]

You are shitting me.

I crossed a line.

I made a mistake.

I'm not doing that again.

Not ever.

I got between you and Tuco.

Think you'd be here now,

I kept my mouth shut?

And I appreciate that.

I owe you.

And if you're ever in trouble,

God forbid, legal trouble,

I will be there 24/7 as a lawyer.

What's your angle?

No angle. Heh.

And I'm not saying anything about this to anybody.

As far as I'm concerned, you're a client, this is a consultation, and everything you just told me is privileged.

You rat, you die.

And that too.

Yes.

For when you figure out you're in the game.

I'm not in the game,

I-- I promise.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]