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Alpine Shepherd Boy

[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

COP 1: Albuquerque police.

Hello?

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Sir, we'd like to talk with you.

Could you open the door, please?

We know you're in there.

You're casting a shadow through your peephole.

All we wanna do is talk.

Would you please open the door?

I'd, uh...

I'd prefer not to, officers.

COP 2:

Sir, come on and open up.

I have a condition.

I can't go outside or be exposed to what's out there.

You were able to steal your neighbor's newspaper.

I didn't steal it.

I left $5.

The cover price is 50 cents.

COP 1:

Did your neighbor consent to sell you her paper?

Uh-- She--

Isn't--?

Um...

Officer, let's talk about something called

"probable cause."

As I'm sure you know, in New Mexico there is a two-part test to determine whether police have an objectively reasonable basis...

CHUCK:

--the situation as

Mincey v. Arizona pointed out, create an event...

Hey, Tommy, come around here, would you?

CHUCK:

And that's why the Tenth

Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that a coercive order...

Check this out.

CHUCK:

--requiring an individual to leave his house is seizure.

And therefore protected under the Fourth Amendment.

Right?

COP 2:

Whole lot of camp stove fuel.

Guy sure sounds like a tweaker.

See what he did to the breaker box?

Is he coming out, or are we going in?

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

COP 1:

You got ten seconds to open this door or it's coming down, you hear me?

Ugh.

Final warning.

Okay, I'll let you in, but you have to leave your electronic devices outside.

No phones, no walkie-talkies, no flashlights.

Definitely, definitely no Tasers.

I can't emphasize that enough.

Deal?

Or-- Look, look,

I'll give the paper back.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

No--

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

[BEEP]

RICKY [ON INTERCOM]:

Yeah?

James McGill to see Mr. Richard Sypes.

Ricky.

Call me Ricky.

Come on in.

[SIGHS]

Uh, this is my assistant's car. Heh.

My Mercedes is in the shop.

Yeah, I ought to give him a raise. You're right.

RICKY:

Jim, I saw you on the TV.

That billboard thing?

And I had me a pair of insights.

Insight the first:

You ain't afraid to put yourself out there.

And insight the second:

You believe in the real America.

Freedom. Self-sufficiency.

I do. I--

I really do.

When I see a man like you driving that foreign shitbox of a car,

Well, see, actually-- it's a sign a good man can't get ahead today.

It's a damn travesty, that's what it is.

Well, that may be, ahem, Ricky, but, uh, I refuse to consider myself a victim.

You know, we are once again at a point in our history where the fly-swatting hand of government is crushing the spirit of entrepreneurship.

Taxes, OSHA requirements.

The INS poking their big, fat nose into every mother-loving hire.

It's damned oppressive.

It's tragic.

It's un-American.

Jim, I think you are just the lawyer I need, because I got me a case.

Major.

I say, a major case.

Are you ready to clear your calendar?

Ricky, I'm all ears.

I want to secede from the United States.

Now, I got 1100 acres of property here.

Self-sustaining with solar power and wells.

A sovereign state immune to the business-killing regulations of the country in which it geographically lies.

We are going to be America's

Vatican City.

[SIGHS]

Ricky...

I'm your man.

Yeah. Let's do this.

Let's show 'em all.

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw! Ha, ha, ha.

Yes, we are doing this.

Now, it's not gonna be easy, sir.

The government is gonna fight us tooth and nail.

We could end up in the Supreme Court.

I'm talking thousands of man hours.

I mean, years of effort.

[SIGHS]

Are you ready for that?

Me?

I say bring 'em on.

Let's talk turkey.

What's your rate?

[OPERA MUSIC

PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Four hundred and fifty an hour.

To hell with hourly.

I want you on retainer.

How about one million even?

Five hundred up front and 500 when we're done.

A million? Ahem. That seems... fair.

Would you like that in cash?

Uh...

[SWALLOWS]

Uh...

Tax-free and backed by the full faith and credit of the sovereign

Sandia Republic.

It's, uh...

Son... you are getting in on the ground floor.

Heh, heh, heh.

[CHUCKLES]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mr. McGill, hi.

Thanks so much for coming.

Roland Jaycox. Roland.

Hey, Roland.

Great to meet you.

You can call me Jimmy.

Jimmy, absolutely. Hello.

Please, come on in.

Well, thank you.

What was it like climbing that billboard?

Must've been pretty scary, huh?

Guy needed help, that's all.

You know, if I can do it, anybody could. Heh.

Well, my hat is off to you.

So here we are.

And patent law is something you--?

Oh, yeah.

I do so many patent cases

I should probably just go ahead and specialize already.

So, what do we got?

I feel silly asking this.

Yeah.

Before I show you my invention, would you mind signing a non-disclosure agreement?

You got it.

Yeah. No problem.

It's my idea of a lifetime.

If Fisher-Price or Playskool got their hands on this...

No worries.

You ready?

I may have seen one of these before.

Not like this.

This one has this little unit I've added.

This is my invention.

Do you have children?

No.

My wife and I have two boys, 4 and 6.

And let me tell you, toilet training them, nightmare.

Both times. They just didn't wanna use the commode.

So I wired a motion sensor to a voice chip and...

Well, no sense getting all technical, but it's all about positive reinforcement.

Meet Tony the Toilet Buddy.

And when you sit down to do your business, this is how he works.

TOILET:

Oh, yeah. That's the way.

Gosh, you're big.

You're so big.

My goodness, look at you.

Fill me up, Chandler.

Put it in me.

Chandler's my youngest.

Loves it.

Huh.

Give it to me, Chandler.

I want it all.

Mmm.

Ah...

Anyway, it goes on from there.

You get the picture.

Yeah. I, uh...

Yeah.

So, what do you think?

It's a little sexual maybe?

Sexual?

What does that--?

Suggestive, maybe?

Maybe that's a better word. Heh.

Look, I'm not saying this thing won't make you rich. I mean...

Some of your wealthier

Pacific Rim nations, they'll love this, the crazy bastards. Heh.

I created this for children.

Children.

Understand?

Hey, Viagra was originally invented to treat hypertension.

Look how that turned out.

You're completely disgusting, you know that?

Hey, buddy, you're the one with the sex toilet.

Get off my property!

Hey, you know what,

I hope you do make a fortune, because Chandler's gonna need it to help pay for his therapy.

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

[STAIR LIFT WHIRRING]

STRAUSS:

I found the Alpine shepherd boy.

[SIGHS]

[STAIR LIFT BEEPS]

No, no, you just stay put.

I'll be right over.

[SIGHS]

Oh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now, where were we?

Oh, would you like some more tea?

No. No, thank you.

I'm fine.

Now, the shepherd boy

Hummel, that's gonna go to your nephew Clarence?

As long as he finishes college.

If he drops out, it goes to my niece Raylene.

But then Raylene doesn't get the girl--

The girl with the geese, yeah, I know.

Then that would go to your cousin Helen.

Mm-hm.

So long as she never remarries Frederick?

Exactly.

Yeah.

And no matter what,

I want the towheaded twins to go to Reverend Laurence's grandson.

Um... Don't you mean

Reverend Haynes?

Because Reverend Laurence's grandson is going to get the lute-playing angel, because he was in the choir.

Very sharp, Mr. McGill.

And here I thought all lawyers were idiots.

Heh. No, only half of us are idiots.

The other half are crooks.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Aren't you a spicy one.

Well...

If I were 40 years younger,

I'd have you buy me a piña colada.

Well, if you want me to draw up a DNR,

I'll bring a blender and some pineapple.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I knew I'd like you when I saw how you saved that poor man on the television.

Well...

Moxie is in such short supply these days.

Yeah, well, I pride myself on my moxie.

Now, I hate to do this, but I do need to bring up my payment.

And I'm sorry, but I can't accept S&H Green Stamps.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, uh, my fee is $140.

A hundred and forty.

I'll gladly accept 70 today and 70 when I come back with the completed documents.

[SIGHS]

Twenty, 40, sixty, 80... a hundred and 20... forty.

Uh...

Okay. Ahem.

[CHUCKLES]

Shall we continue, Mr. McGill?

Yes.

Yes, we shall, Mrs. Strauss.

KIM:

Put it on the nail, not the skin.

JIMMY:

I can't help it if your toes are too small.

They should all be the same size.

The size of the big toe.

That one I can do.

Yeah, that would be attractive.

Heh, heh.

So... how's it go again?

[IMITATES TOILET]

"Oh, you're huge, Chandler.

You're a big, big boy.

Oh, where does it end?

Oh, don't stop, Chandler.

Don't stop.

Heh, heh, heh.

Oh, here it comes.

Oh, what is that?

Is that a piece of corn?

No, no. Stop.

Did you eat corn, Chandler?

Is that a niblet I see?"

Disgusting.

No. Ha, ha, ha.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Too much?

Hey, good times.

Even your lousy days are more interesting than my good ones.

Yeah, we should definitely do something about that.

Seriously, don't ever try to make a living at this.

Stick with the law.

Yeah.

Because I'm really lighting the world on fire in that department.

Did two wills today.

Two wills, and I started a living trust.

Whoopee.

Old people love me.

Maybe you got a future in elder law.

You think I could handle all that glamour?

No, I'm serious.

I've thought about getting into elder law myself.

I watched my grandmother at the end.

It's...

It's awful what people have to deal with.

Insurance companies.

My scumbag cousin stealing her savings and her pain meds.

Getting old sucks.

Seniors need someone on their side.

[PHONE RINGING]

It's Howard.

What the hell does he want?

Shh.

Hi, Howard.

No. I mean, I haven't, uh...

Oh, my God, when?

Yeah, okay. I'll see if I can track Jimmy down.

I'll call you back.

Sure.

It's Chuck.

[♪♪♪]

JIMMY:

Chuck. Chuck, you with me?

Chuck, hey, buddy, it's me.

Hey, can you talk to me?

Crazy sons of bitches.

Hey, sir. You can't do that.

All of this needs to stay on.

JIMMY:

No, no. No electricity, you understand?

NURSE:

No, it needs to be on.

I'm getting security.

KIM:

No, wait, wait. Wait, wait.

No, wait, wait.

JIMMY:

Why isn't that one going out?

Damn it.

KIM: Jimmy.

I just--

Jimmy, wait a second.

Jimmy, think.

What's the plan here?

WOMAN:

Sir, sir?

Sir, I need you to get down.

JIMMY:

What kind of torture chamber you running here?

He's allergic to electricity.

You heard the doc. Get down.

All these lights, you might as well throw him into a microwave.

Come on, down.

Don't touch me.

He is this patient's brother.

Please, listen to him.

Now, hey.

Let's go.

WOMAN:

Hold on, hold on a second, Edwin. Sir.

You ready to calm down?

Yes. His name is Jimmy, and, yes, he is gonna calm down.

Say the words, Jimmy.

I need to hear it from you.

I'm calm, okay?

I'm calm.

Edwin, why don't you go wait in the hallway?

I'll call if we need you.

Okay, so tell me about the electricity.

Look, I know how it sounds, but it's real.

Oh, shit.

My phone. Stuff.

Anything with a battery in it.

He can't have it near him.

Hang on.

There's my phone.

Okay, that's it.

Thanks.

Okay. What the hell happened?

Why is he here?

It started when Charles stole his neighbor's newspaper.

What? He never leaves the house.

WOMAN:

I don't have all the details. but the police found him in a very agitated state.

He was confrontational and incoherent.

How come you didn't call me?

Why did I have to hear about this through my brother's prick of a law partner?

The only contact information we could find was a business card.

Jimmy, in my opinion,

Charles should be committed for 30 days of psychiatric observation.

As a family member, you can submit a petition for him to be evaluated.

There's an excellent facility in Las Cruces.

He can be there tomorrow.

I'd rather not.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, I'm right here.

Oh, hey, Chuck.

Excuse me.

Mr. McGill, my name is Dr. Cruz.

Do you know why you're in the hospital?

The police kicked in my door.

No warrant.

No cause.

I wasn't incoherent.

They just weren't listening.

They Tasered me, Jimmy.

Oh, Jesus.

Kim?

I'm sorry, I can give you privacy.

No, no, no, that's all right. Stay.

Howard called me.

He's very concerned about you.

How are you feeling now,

Mr. McGill?

Do--? Do you have a phone or a pager or anything with a battery?

I don't think so. I...

[GROANS]

Yeah. Heh.

Oversight.

Sorry about that.

Can you tell me a little more about your... situation?

It's not a situation.

It's a condition.

Electromagnetic hypersensitivity.

For reasons unknown, my nervous system has become sensitized to certain frequencies of electromagnetic radiation.

Your brother called it an allergy to electricity.

Well, it's an oversimplification.

But it's essentially correct.

Electronic devices create their own electromagnetic fields.

The closer I am to such devices, the worse my symptoms.

Which are?

Burning sensation on my skin, a sharp, cold pain in my bones, muscle fatigue, heart palpitations, blurred vision, tinnitus, vertigo, nausea, shortness of breath.

A general--

It hurts.

Yes, it hurts.

When did you first experience these symptoms?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Oh, must have been...

You left the office

18 months ago.

Well, in that case, uh, must have been almost two years.

Two years?

That's a--

That's a long time to live with discomfort.

Well, there it is.

You think I'm crazy.

I never said that.

No, you didn't, because you're very polite.

But you think it.

Otherwise you wouldn't be talking about commitment.

You find that idea distressing?

JIMMY: Who the hell wouldn't?

I find it inappropriate for a person suffering from a physical condition.

Anyone who's spent more than a few minutes with me knows that this isn't some kind of delusion.

Wouldn't you agree, Kim?

JIMMY: Of course she does.

Well, I'm not a doctor.

You've known me for a decade.

Have you ever seen me exhibit any sign, any sign whatsoever, of mental illness?

See? If I thought for one second you could cure me, believe me,

I'd jump at the chance.

With all due respect, psychiatry doesn't have the answers.

I'd very much like to try.

Section 43-1-11, part E3.

"The proposed commitment is consistent with the treatment needs of the client and with the least drastic means principle."

Do you think subjecting me to this kind of pain for a month is the least drastic means?

JIMMY:

He might as well spend a month in a wood chipper.

CRUZ:

I understand your frustration.

I do. You're obviously a highly-intelligent man in difficult circumstances.

May I ask you a question?

Just for my own interest.

Yeah.

How do you meet the needs of daily life?

What do you do for light?

How do you prepare food?

I use white gas lanterns.

For cooking,

I have a camp stove.

I have a large cooler

I keep filled with ice.

It's not ideal, but I make do.

CRUZ:

I see.

Well, thank you.

Would you mind if I took a moment to speak with your brother?

Uh, make sure you still have your wallet when you're done. Heh.

JIMMY: Funny guy.

Heh.

Jimmy.

I wanna go home.

That was a dirty trick.

That wasn't a trick.

It was a demonstration.

This allergy to electricity isn't real.

It's a manifestation of something deeper.

I'm not saying it's 100 percent real, but Chuck is smarter than you and me put together, so we're not talking him out of this.

And I'm not sending him to a rubber room.

No one is talking about rubber rooms.

There are specialists--

He's seen specialists.

The best doctors.

None of them helped, not one.

So you're ready to give up?

Who's giving up, huh?

I'm-- I'm the one doing the heavy lifting here.

That white gas, who do you think brings him that?

And milk and bread and toilet paper and ice and every other damn thing he needs.

Is that helping or enabling?

If you testify in a custodial hearing, he can get the help he needs.

That's in your power.

To be committed involuntarily, he has to be a danger to himself.

Or others.

And he is.

Coleman lanterns indoors?

A camp stove?

He could burn his house down, or the entire neighborhood.

And then you're looking at a commitment of 10 to 20 years.

What if he just hurts himself in a household accident?

How does he call for help?

You have the power to help your brother.

Truly help him.

Ignoring this won't make it go away.

What would you do?

All I know is he needs help.

[SIGHS]

Untie him.

I'm getting him out of here.

The nurse will bring you the release forms.

Oh, boy.

Jimmy? Kim?

I found him.

I thought I'd wait till you got here.

Great. How's he doing?

Better. Resting.

Good.

Jimmy, I want you to know that I've talked to the DA, and he absolutely will not sign off on any commitment papers.

This is a physical condition, not a mental one.

Chuck is of sound mind.

I think we can all agree on that.

You're a real peach, Howard.

Of course you don't want

Chuck committed.

No, I don't.

Why would I?

If Chuck were committed,

I'd become his legal guardian.

And I'd cash him out of HHM.

Jesus, Jimmy. Now?

You wanna hash that out here?

The tanning bed must have melted your brain if you think--

Guys, Chuck, that's why we're here.

Yes. Let's stay on point.

We're talking about the well-being of a man whom we all love very much.

There's many factors at play.

Spite doesn't have to be one of them.

Know what? I was on the fence till you showed up.

Thanks for helping me decide.

Wave bye-bye to your cash cow, because it's leaving the pasture.

I'm committing him.

Jimmy-- Ji-- Wait.

Jimmy, wait. Jimmy--

Jimmy, can you wait?

Jimmy, wait a second. Listen,

I agree that Chuck needs help.

And maybe it's the right thing to do, but you can't do it like this.

I just wanna see that son of a bitch sweat.

It's so obvious what he's afraid of.

I'm taking my brother home.

[SIGHS]

CHUCK: Unh.

JIMMY: There you go, buddy.

Yeah, there you go.

Okay, some steps.

One and two, and there you go.

Hey, you're home.

All right?

Everything's gonna be all right.

You want something to eat?

Uh, some tea?

Cup of tea?

Coffee.

Coffee. Coffee it is.

Jimmy, I'm gonna need my...

I don't-- I-- I--

Oh, it's...

Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Wanna talk about this?

There's nothing to talk about.

You took the paper, you saw this, you got sick.

What's your point?

Chuck, I think you got sick because you saw this story.

Whenever you think

I've done something wrong, something questionable, you get worse.

I didn't get sick because

I read about you in the paper.

I got sick because

I went out of my house to retrieve the paper--

I'm too tired for this argument, Jimmy.

I've had it too many times.

You think this is the return of Slippin' Jimmy, but it's not.

All right.

You think the billboard thing was unethical.

But it was promotion.

It was advertising, that's all.

Which wasn't even allowed until five Supreme Court justices went completely bonkers in

Bates v. State Bar of Arizona.

Ah-ha.

But in any event... it's legal.

If you wanna advertise, that's your business.

"Business" being the operative word, because I have gotten business off of this.

Legit business: wills, trusts.

I'm kind of starting to specialize in elder law.

Elder law?

Yeah. The things the elderly have to deal with. I mean, relatives coming after their savings, telemarketers, reverse-mortgage scams.

I mean, getting old sucks.

Seniors need someone on their side, so you're looking at him.

Oh, that sounds promising.

But it has nothing to do with my condition.

Chuck, listen, I'm gonna make you a promise right now.

Not necessary, not requested.

Okay. The billboard was a one-time thing.

I'm a good lawyer.

I just needed some razzmatazz, you know, to get the ball rolling, some showmanship.

That's all it was.

It's done now. It's over.

All right.

From here on out,

I'm gonna play by the rules.

As any lawyer should.

Exactly.

There are clients out there who need me, and I'm gonna give them the best representation

I know how to provide.

I'm on the up-and-up, okay?

I will be good.

Slippin' Jimmy, he's back in Cicero.

Dead and buried.

Okay.

We'll see.

Where you going?

CHUCK:

Somebody's gotta make that coffee.

I'm sure the truth

will come out,

if indeed that's what

we're all interested in.

I know everybody

in this courtroom

has strong feelings

about Nicholas Baron's past,

but I submit he is not

on trial here for his past.

He is on trial

for the murders

of Donald Kovack

and Eddie Alonzo.

JIMMY:

Single-breasted.

Light blue or cream.

It's blue.

Linen.

[♪♪♪]

Simple.

Single pocket.

[CLATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

Thank you.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Hello there.

James McGill, attorney at law.

How are you this fine morning?

I'm just fine. How about you?

Very good. Play fair.

Oh, what do we got here?

Ah, I see... a piece is trying to get away there.

Enjoy the Jell-O.

Get to the bottom.

Wait, who's the banker here?

That's the only one

I wanna talk to. There he is.

How are you?

Hey. I'm good.

Whoa, what a grip, young man.

Watch out, that's my will-writing hand.

I'm quite strong, you know.

Okay.

Hello, ladies.

You look beautiful today.

All right over there?

Very good. Play fair.

No betting.

Wait a second, is that Veronica Lake?

Give me a hug, beautiful.

Yes. You look great today.

All right. No cheating, no hiding the tablet.

Oh, what do we have here?

Hey, there he is.

The man in the booth.

John Wilkes Booth.

Booth Tarkington.

What you reading there?

The Complete Annotated

Book of Rules

for Parking Validation?

No.

The rules for parking validation are actually pretty simple.

Most people get it on the first try.

Well, you'll be pleased to know

I have the requisite stickers.

Be still my heart.

And...

You can have this as well.

I'm doing elder law now.

"Need a will, call McGill."

So give me a call if you, uh...

If, uh, you happen to know any elders.

Good night.

Couldn't have a bad one if I tried.

MIKE:

Good night.

MAN:

Good night.

MAN:

Have a good one.

WOMAN 1:

He drove in from El Paso, but he made good time.

MAN:

Pick it up on pancakes.

WOMAN 2: Eggs over-medium.

WOMAN 3: Hash browns.

MAN:

Eggs over, pick it up.

[ENGINE STARTS]

LUCY [ON TV]:

Don't be so silly.

DAN: There's nobody around.

You never can tell.

DAN: Then I'll come in.

I wouldn't.

We're going to be late.

DAN: Don't be bashful, Lucy.

LUCY:

I'm not bashful, but

I've never kissed you before.

And I don't think

this is the place.

DAN:

Gosh, if you knew

how crazy I am about you,

you wouldn't hesitate.

I can't sleep.

LUCY:

Why don't you take

some hot milk?

I must be in love

because I started--

[TV MUTES]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

MIKE:

Long way from home, aren't you?

You and me both.

[♪♪♪]