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Cobbler

[TICKING]

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[NOTES FALTER]

[RESUMES PLAYING]

[NOTES FALTER]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[TICKING STOPS]

-Howard. -Morning.

-Delivery for McGill. -What are you doing here?

It's been a while. Thought I should check on you.

Did I hear music?

Hm? No, no, I was just-- Let me get that for you. Yup.

[HOWARD GRUNTS]

-Good to see you, Howard. -Oh, likewise.

You are sorely missed, my friend.

Don't take that as any undue pressure.

Um.... I'm thinking of maybe coming in for an hour or two next week.

-Maybe kind of play it by ear. -Well, if you feel comfortable.

I mean, we certainly would love to have you. We will take anything we can get.

I'll figure out a day...

...and get Ernesto to give you a heads up.

That sounds great.

-How's Ernie working out? -He's been fine, for the most part.

-Excellent. -Everything on track with Sandpiper?

Moving along.

Davis & Main are really pulling their weight.

Well, they better. It's a complex case.

-Well, it's definitely not a two-man job. -No.

Anyone heard from Jimmy?

I have, yes. I've talked to him.

CHUCK: How is he?

HOWARD: He's fine. Doing well.

Speaking of which, I have some news.

He's working at Davis & Main.

Doing what?

Working as an attorney.

-Clifford Main hired Jimmy? -Mm-hm.

To be fair, he had his doubts, but he's giving Jimmy a chance.

He had his own people doing client outreach...

...but every time they'd talk to a Sandpiper resident...

...Jimmy's name would come up. Yeah.

-Those old folks just-- -They love him.

-Yeah, they do. -Mm.

Plus, I guess, Cliff thought it would be a good idea...

...for the case to have that sort of...

-...you know, continuity. -Hm.

-Jimmy certainly has a way with people. -He does.

They're aware of his background at Davis & Main? His education?

In the spirit of full disclosure, Cliff did talk to me beforehand.

I didn't pull any punches. I tried to paint a complete picture.

But I didn't stand in the way.

Of course not. Nor should you.

Truth be told...

...Kim Wexler pushed for this.

Hard.

But I didn't, you know, stand in the way.

Partner track?

I would, uh....

Yeah, assume so.

That's great.

-Good for Jimmy. -Ha, ha, ha.

-Charlie Hustle, right? -Yup.

Heh, heh. Yup.

Well, I'll get out of your hair.

-Anything else to add to Ernie's list? -No, all set. All good.

-Thanks for coming by, Howard. -Any time.

-You truly are missed. No pressure. -Mm.

[CHUCK CHUCKLES]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[METRONOME TICKING]

[♪♪♪]

MAN: Document review...

...will be coordinated through HHM. To date, the following documents...

...have been requested from Sandpiper as part of our initial discovery petition.

One, resident lease agreements...

...past and present, from all Sandpiper locations.

Two, invoices and transaction documents...

...from all supply companies used by Sandpiper.

Three, list of all past and present official Sandpiper vendors.

Four, any and all business agreements and contracts...

...between Sandpiper and its distributors.

Five, records of residents' social security check receipts.

Six, allowance transaction statements.

Seven, resident invoices nonrelated to....

KIM: I'm loving the new look.

How's Santa Fe?

It's, uh....

[CHUCKLES]

It's really....

See? What'd I tell you?

A nice place?

The finest in temporary corporate housing.

I can't wait to see it.

Maybe I should leave HHM and get on that cushy D & M train.

It is very cushy.

Amazing.

Jimmy, I'm so happy for you.

Thanks. You know, things are really turning around.

I'm even thinking of looking, you know, for my own place to buy.

-In Santa Fe? -I'm not sure yet.

Maybe someplace closer to Albuquerque...

...since I'm going between the two so much.

-Okay. So halfway points. -Yeah, I was thinking--

-Oh, wait, what about Corrales? -Corrales, yeah.

Get a nice little bungalow, or maybe not so little.

Big, open-floor plan.

I don't want any walls disrupting my chi, yeah.

But I'm thinking I definitely want some decent acreage.

-Get in touch with nature. -Horses.

Come on, you could get horses. Man, that would be so amazing.

Too expensive. They-- All the oats, right? It's oats that they're always eating.

-It's worth it. -And the horseshoes.

You have to get them shoes and nail them with a hammer.

It's totally worth it. Long ride through the country...

...and then a glass of wine on the back patio at sunset.

Oh. We should get one of those smokers. We could just barbecue for days.

Yeah, we definitely gotta get a smoker.

All right, well, I gotta go to the salon.

They're delivering my new company car.

-Ugh. Are you serious? -What?

[KIM SCOFFS]

"Jeez, where's my solid-gold blimp?

-No, not that one, the other one." -Jealous.

Totally.

I forgot, I got you a present. One sec.

[CAR BEEPS]

[CAR BEEPS]

Oh. That's a beautiful wrapping job. It's a shame to open it.

It's a gift, be grateful.

Just keeping it real.

Come on, second is still very, very good.

All right.

Thanks. See you tonight?

Maybe, if you play your cards right.

[WOMEN CHATTERING IN VIETNAMESE]

Hello, beautiful.

What do you think, ladies?

[WOMEN CHATTERING IN VIETNAMESE]

Yeah, I know, right? It's got all leather interior...

...heated seats for those cold desert mornings.

This must be what heaven looks like.

[SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE]

Hey. Goodbye hug?

No? All right.

We'll forgo the tears and just say, "Till we meet again."

[SIGHS]

Must be metric.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[RUMBLING]

Hey.

What-- What are you doing here?

I work here.

Oh, small world.

So is this the parking lot for the police station?

-It is. -You don't know if they validate, do you?

Why don't you pull around over there?

And we'll have a little talk.

Uh, Okay.

Why are you here?

I have business with the police.

And what business might that be?

Well, if you must know, I was robbed.

Somebody broke into my house and stole my property.

Your drugs?

Yeah, but obviously I didn't tell the cops that.

I'm not stupid.

You've already spoken to them?

Well, a couple of them came by my house.

But it's not the drugs that I care about. I mean, I care.

It's my baseball cards I need back.

Your baseball cards?

Yes. I have a very valuable collection of baseball cards...

...and someone stole them.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised I have to tell you this...

...but it's probably a bad idea that you willingly talked to the police...

...being a criminal and all.

I'm not here as a criminal. I'm here as a crime victim.

Just because I occasionally sell some pharmaceuticals...

...I no longer have a right to protection from crime?

And I was very careful when I talked to them.

I mean, they have no idea about my other business.

If you already made your report, why are you here?

Well, they called me. They have a few more questions.

They are very dedicated to finding this thief.

Since you're new to this, let me explain it to you.

They've invited you on a fishing trip.

What's that, "a fishing trip"?

Those cops have no interest in helping you get your cards back.

You're obviously under suspicion.

There was nothing there for them to see.

I refer you to our previous conversation...

...and this blinking neon sign of a vehicle that says "drug dealer."

They suspect you. They will get you in there...

...pretend to be your friend, lull you into a false sense of security...

...and then they will sweat you.

And you will break.

I don't....

-I disagree. -Not open for debate. You go home now.

-But I have an appointment. -Break it.

And if they call you, do not answer the phone.

But what about my baseball cards?

-Cost of doing business. -No!

No, no, no! I am getting those back. I will take the risk.

No, you won't.

Because then you'll be putting my well-being at risk.

I have to.

I-- I--

Those cards...

...some of them were my dad's.

I am getting them back.

I'm getting them back.

I'll find your cards.

Is-- Is that something you do?

Wow, that's-- That is so generous of you.

Oh, it'll cost you.

Oh.

Okay, we should discuss...

...some sort of financial arrangement, in which I-- I--

Uh....

Okay, then. Jesus.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[GUITAR PLAYING SOFT TUNE]

WOMAN: Davis & Main, this is Maida.

[GUITAR CONTINUES PLAYING]

-Come on in. -I didn't mean to interrupt.

Not at all, I was just blowing off some steam.

-You sound good. -Thank you. Clears the head. You play?

Oh, I tried to learn in high school...

...but then I decided there were easier ways to get girls.

I hope you've got a way to decompress. Everybody needs something.

-How are you settling in? -Great.

It's-- It's quite a step up for me.

Well, we're happy to have you.

Just let us know if there's anything else you need, Jimmy.

-Thanks, Cliff, I'm happy to be here. -Great.

JIMMY: Better get back to it. -Yeah, me too, I suppose.

JIMMY: Um....

Actually, I might have found something...

-...in the initial disclosures. -Oh, yeah?

Schweikart & Cokely keep referring to the optional-allowance program.

I checked a number of residents' contracts.

Not a single one has opted out...

...which makes me think it's more of a mandatory financial arrangement.

You think that's a failure to state a claim that they filed in their answer?

They keep saying it's optional, thereby voluntary. We can counter that...

...if opting in is a requirement for residency...

...which it sure seems to be, well, their voluntary claims don't hold water.

Might be onto something here.

Nice work, Jimmy.

Thanks, Cliff.

[SPANISH-LANGUAGE MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

[BELL RINGS]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[IN ENGLISH] Welcome. How can I help you?

I was hoping to get an estimate, mi car. Mi coche?

-You do cars? -Sí, cars, todo el tiempo.

I was hoping to get my seats reupholstered.

Um....

Take a look?

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[MEN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

MAN: Gracias.

Yeah, I'm thinking something new.

Give the old girl a little love.

[IN SPANISH] I'm happy for the work...

...but his money might be better spent on a down payment for a new car.

[IN ENGLISH] He said you should save your money and get a new car.

Yeah? Well, it has a sentimental value.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

-[IN ENGLISH] Classic car. MIKE: Mm.

[IN SPANISH] What's he looking for?

[IN ENGLISH] What material do you want?

Well, I was thinking leather, definitely.

Maybe alligator.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[IN ENGLISH] Oh, señor, too much money.

But like I said, it has a sentimental value.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[IN SPANISH] I think an exotic leather would clash.

Maybe something a little more consistent with the style of the car.

Convince him.

[IN ENGLISH] He says alligator's gonna look all wrong.

Cheaper might be better.

Well, show me what you'd pick.

MAN: Uh....

[BELL RINGING]

I'm sorry, señor.

My son, he will help you.

Okay?

[IN SPANISH] Help him pick.

And don't try to upsell him, okay?

[MAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

MIKE: Yeah, mucho gusto.

[BELL RINGING]

-How'd you find me? -Heh, heh.

-Why are you here? -Baseball cards.

The way I figure, you saw that midlife-crisis of a vehicle...

...and wisely decided to cut ties with the man.

And I don't blame you, I did too.

And then you ripped him off.

I'm sure those baseball cards looked like an easy way...

...to make a few extra bucks off that idiot, teach him a lesson too.

But you underestimated just how big an idiot you were dealing with.

-No, I'm pretty aware. -Well, then, you underestimated...

...how attached the man was to those cards.

So attached, he called the police and reported them stolen.

Now they're nosing around.

That sounds like a you problem.

MIKE: It's very much an us problem.

Yeah, I guess I'll just have to take my chances...

...but good luck to you.

You know, I was hoping you'd see our dilemma and do the right thing.

But I think what we have here now is a carrot-and-stick situation.

Oh, yeah?

This the stick? Hmm?

You coming here threatening my family?

Huh?

Because you're gonna need a bigger stick, old man.

I'm not here to threaten your family.

And the name of the stick is Tuco Salamanca.

Now, you don't play ball, so to speak...

...and Tuco finds out about your little side business.

That a big enough stick?

However, I'd prefer the carrot.

I think you will too.

And what would that be?

You give me back the baseball cards, 10,000 in cash...

...and you net roughly...

...roughly 60,000.

[CHUCKLES]

And how exactly does that work?

[WATCH TICKING]

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

CHUCK: Ernesto?

ERNESTO: Hey.

Going somewhere?

Yes, we are.

DANIEL: She's a little tricky around the corners.

So-- And you gotta go with the premium gas.

I know it seems like a scam, but it makes a huge difference.

And I would get her washed at least once a week...

...and spring for the hand wax.

You're gonna want that extra layer of protection for the clearcoat.

She deserves the best.

I'll make sure the boys at the chop shop are real gentle with her.

Wait, why?

No.

You think I'd be caught dead driving that thing?

It looks like a school bus for 60-year-old pimps.

All right, shall we move this along?

Aaron.

Okay, there's Jeter.

All right, okay.

Mantle. Mantle. There's Mantle.

-We good? -Yeah, that looks like everyone.

Yeah, they're here. Looks like everyone's here.

MIKE: And now the other item.

Now our business is concluded.

You know, I can't help thinking an apology was in order.

[MUSICAL RINGTONE PLAYING OVER PHONE]

It's-- It's the police again.

Sandpiper hasn't responded to our discovery requests.

They buried us in paperwork...

...but nothing relevant to the particulars in this case.

No real surprise there.

We may have to subpoena their bank records. Thank you, Erin.

Jimmy. How are we doing with client outreach?

While we're waiting on those subpoenas...

...we should try wrangling some of this stuff from the clients themselves.

I mean, most of these folks have hard copies of everything...

...going back to the Eisenhower administration.

Of course, given some of their inconsistent organizational practices...

...it's gonna be slow going.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Oh, this one lady, um....

She's sweet, but deaf as a doornail.

She keeps all of her paperwork in--

-She keeps it-- -I'm sorry, excuse me, Jimmy.

I'm gonna need everybody's phone, key fobs and electronics.

Chuck. Welcome.

Please, have a seat.

Don't mind me.

Hey, everybody.

[CHUCK CLEARS THROAT]

I'm sorry for the interruption. Just pretend I'm not here.

HOWARD: Happy to have you.

Jimmy, where were we?

Uh.... Yeah.

So I was saying....

Um....

Getting documents from some of the clients....

We definitely have some pack rats, God bless them.

I was visiting Mrs. Gusedorf at Sandpiper Santa Fe...

...and I spent the whole afternoon...

...sorting through just a haystack of recipes...

...and half-off coupons for Big Lots.

But now we've got copies of this woman's monthly statements...

...going back to March, 1997, so....

It might be a little labor-intensive...

...but our clients will always be our best resource.

Plus, they have ribbon candy.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

CHUCK: Jimmy.

Hello?

What are you doing here?

My name is on the building.

So great to have you here. If you need anything, I'll be in my office.

[SIGHS]

Why are you here?

To bear witness.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

JIMMY: James McGill.

It's Ehrmantraut.

Are you still morally flexible?

If so, I might have a job for you.

Where and when?

OFFICER 1: Take a seat.

Mr. Wormald, thank you for coming in and talking to us.

Yeah, of course.

We've been looking at the reports the officers took at the scene...

...and we have a few small follow-up questions.

Sorry to waste your time. Just standard stuff.

There's really no need for a lawyer here.

I'm here in more of an advisory capacity.

Dan just wanted a friendly face next to him.

OFFICER 2: Well, we're all friendly here.

Look at us. Four friends.

We just wanna get the facts straight so we can help you get your property for you.

Yeah, you know, it's fine. Yeah, there's no need to....

OFFICER 2: No, it's just standard procedure.

You know, officers don't always get all the information we need in their report.

We just wanna find the guys who took your baseball cards.

Yeah, that's, uh....

You know, my uncle had a Ty Cobb tobacco card.

Kept that thing behind six inches of glass.

-Like it was the Mona Lisa or something. -Wow, Ty Cobb?

Tell him to keep the lights low. Even artificial lighting...

...has a certain amount of ultraviolet radiation...

...that can, you know, over the long term--

Yeah, can you just remind us...

...exactly where you kept your cards in the house?

Yeah, well, as I was trying to say, it's no longer an issue.

I found them.

-So you found the cards? DANIEL: Yup.

I just wanted to come down and tell you, you know, in person.

You found them?

Where? Around the house?

No. I hired a private investigator...

...and he tracked them down. So, yeah.

Really? So where were they?

You know, it's fine. It is.

I really-- I ought to get out of your hair.

-You've wasted enough time on me. -No, no. It's-- It's okay. It's our job.

We just wanna get the facts right so we can help close this case for you.

It's done.

Case closed.

I just-- I know how much, you know, you guys have on your hands.

Like murderers, and robbers...

-...and gangs and stuff. I-- -Danny, why don't you get some air?

You can have some coffee. I'll finish up with the detectives here.

Okay, let's get down to brass tacks here, guys.

I'm guessing your two fine uniformed officers...

...found Mr. Wormald's little hidey-hole, and that's why you two...

...are so interested in "helping" my friend here.

I get it.

A hiding place in the baseboard, it's gonna make anyone suspicious.

But let me assure you, there's nothing illegal going on here.

Then why is he so nervous?

Because I must say, the flop sweat is kind of suspect.

We all have our secrets, don't we?

And who among us is without sin?

But those sins aren't all of the criminal variety...

...and neither are Mr. Wormald's, okay?

They are, however, very private.

-Private like drug dealer maybe? -No, no.

He's being evasive because it's a sensitive subject.

It's very delicate and of no concern to law enforcement.

You know, as much as we'd love to take your word for it...

...we'll need a little more than that.

All right, well, this all comes down to a personal dispute.

That's all. It's between Mr. Wormald and...

...his art patron.

Art patron?

Yeah, my client has an arrangement with a wealthy gentleman...

...for whom, ahem, Mr. Wormald provides art...

...in exchange for this gentleman's generous....

We'll call it patronage.

Art. Like what, paintings?

It's more like digital media.

OFFICER 2: Digital media?

-He made videos for the man. -What kind of videos?

Private videos of an artistic nature.

That's what was in the hiding place, that's what it's for.

So this art patron stole the videos and the baseball cards?

Well, there was a misunderstanding. I mean, call it creative differences.

Artists are volatile creatures.

Guys, this all comes down to just a lovers' spat. Okay?

Two consenting adults had a falling out, that happens...

...and the patron stole the videos.

And the baseball cards, to make a point, I guess.

But the headline here is it's all settled, hearts have mended...

...and Mr. Wormald will not be pressing charges.

What was on these videos?

-They were private. -You said that.

They were videos intended...

...to titillate the senses.

-Okay, so porn. -Not-- No. Not as such.

Technically, they would be categorized as fetish videos, but nothing illegal.

Just a man, a fully clothed man, I might add...

...just all by himself.

Just-- Just Mr. Wormald, fully clothed.

-Yeah, so. -Yeah.

All right. So fully clothed, Mr. Wormald...

...by himself.

-Doing what? -Yeah, come on, man, what?

Squat cobbler.

What's a squat cobbler?

Squat cobbler. You know what squat cobbler is.

-No, I don't know what a squat cobbler is. -No, me neither, what is it?

What? You two guys are cops?

Hoboken Squat Cobbler.

Full Moon Moon Pie.

Boston Cream Splat.

[CHUCKLES]

Seriously?

Simple Simon, the Ass Man.

Dutch Apple Ass.

Guys, am I not speaking English here?

-What the hell is a squat cobbler? -It's when a man sits in pie.

He sits in a pie and he--

He wiggles around.

Maybe it's like Hellmann's mayonnaise.

It has a different name west of the Rockies, I don't know.

But technically he does a crybaby squat...

...so there's tears, which makes it more specialized.

Not all pie-sitters cry, but I'm gonna tell you something.

This guy, he's a regular Julianne Moore once he gets the waterworks cranked up.

Pies?

-What, like apple? -I'm not the filmmaker here, all right?

Banana cream, I-- Peach.

Oh, and there is a costume involved.

[SNORTS]

You got to be shitting us.

Yeah, like I would make this up.

Hey, the world is a rich tapestry, my friends.

But trust me on this...

...you don't wanna see it.

So, uh, we're good, right?

Yeah, great.

There is, however, one little, tiny hanging chad.

-What chad? -You're gonna have to make a video.

[KIM CHUCKLES]

KIM: Wait, wait. So he eats the pies or just sits in them?

-Both. Whatever you want. -Which comes first?

Oh. It's dealer's choice.

-That's where the crying comes in, right? -That's a safe bet.

[KIM LAUGHS]

How the hell did you come up with that?

If you give me a million years, I still would not have come up with that.

The muse. She speaks through me.

I am but a humble vessel.

-And they bought it? -Yeah.

Wow, I've heard some far-out scenarios used to sow doubt...

-...but this definitely takes the cake. -Kim. Kim. Kim.

-Takes the pie. -Yeah.

Sorry, I should just jump off the roof right now.

Yeah, you should feel bad about yourself.

Jesus, can you tell a story.

Well, to be fair...

...I think it was the video that clinched it.

What video?

Wait. Wait, you actually made a video?

I gotta say, in the end, old Dan really committed.

I believed the tears.

Oh. This is a leftover prop, it was extra.

I wasn't sure how many takes we would need so I overbought.

But I promise you, untouched by human buttocks.

-You fabricated evidence? -I made a video. Not exactly evidence.

You used it to exonerate a client.

You used falsified evidence to exonerate a client.

-I think you're splitting hairs. -I'm not splitting hairs.

What if Davis & Main find out you faked evidence?

It wasn't a Davis & Main client.

It was some nothing little pro bono thing.

-Was off the clock, totally my own thing. -Why?

Why would you risk the best job you've ever had...

...for some pro bono case?

I was doing a favor for a friend.

Risking disbarment? That's-- That's some friend.

It's fine, it worked out.

-Davis & Main are none the wiser. -Jimmy, you're playing with fire here.

I didn't see you complaining...

...when Ken the douchebag paid our bar bill the other night.

That was a little bit of rule-breaking right there...

...and if I remember correctly, you liked it, a lot.

-That is so not the same thing. -How? What's the difference?

That had nothing to do with work, and we were just screwing around.

This, fabricating evidence--

Jimmy, this could really hurt you if they find out, if you get caught.

-They're never gonna find out. -Seriously?

You sound like every dumb criminal out there.

If you keep this up, they will find out.

For what, Jimmy?

What is the point?

[CLEARS THROAT]

I cannot hear about this sort of thing...

...ever again, okay?

I mean it, Jimmy.

You won't.

[♪♪♪]