Home > BoJack Horseman

Our A-Story Is a 'D' Story

- Huh? - Oh, uh, it's a pet name.

- I don't have actual honey. - [sighs]

- [laughter] - Diane!

Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter. Mwah.

BoJack Horseman!

- Put her there! - That's all right.

I'm gonna get that handshake.

No, you're not.

[laughs] Since when am I Honey?

Since now.

I made up the nickname while you were back east.

Yeah, really? You made up calling someone honey?

Uh, I do believe so. Yes.

Hey, why don't we give BoJack a ride?

That's okay. Todd's supposed to pick me up.

Where is he?

[indistinct chatter] [cell door buzzing]

First day, huh? [laughs]

Well, stick with me. You're gonna be just fi--

- [grunts] - [gasps]

[gasping]

Probably just forgot, the lazy bum.

Hey, I'll take the ride as long as it's not as bumpy as that pilot's landing.

That was seriously very scary.

- Hey... - I'm just glad you were there, because I really would have freaked out by myself.

Be stiller, my beating heart.

Stiller crazy after all these years.

- [laughter] - Did I miss something funny?

- I love funny somethings. - No, we were just laughing about this Ben Stiller article from the plane.

- [laughter] - Ooh, he is the best.

- What did it say? - You wouldn't get it.

Either you read Hemisphere's Magazine, or you don't.

Hey, I might be crazy, because this is such a dumb question, and I'm embarrassed to even ask, but do I have anything to worry about with you and Diane?

What?

[laughs] What?

Get out of here.

I got to say, BoJack, that is a relief.

Ho-ho! Whoo!

{\an8}[funky electronic music]

♪ ♪

[panting]

Hey, do you guys want to grab dinner?

{\an8}Or at least some road sodas,

{\an8}so I don't have to go through the ordeal

{\an8}of sobering up and then having to get drunk all over again?

{\an8}Oh, I actually already made special plans

{\an8}for just the two of us.

{\an8}Oh, come on.

You're the one who's always saying you want to hang out with BoJack more, and how it's weird that BoJack never returns your calls, and how I should hang up the phone because maybe BoJack's trying to call you right now.

Uh, okay.

{\an8}I guess we can make this work.

- [laughter] - Oh.

Oh, man. Remember that guy in 34-B?

Do I? Can't stop remembering him.

Uh, hey. Diane and I have memories, too.

{\an8}This place reminds me of a cliffside meal we had

{\an8}one romantic vacay to Cabo.

Boring. I wasn't there.

Can we keep this general interests?

{\an8}Well, here's to a meal we're all here for.

Mmm.

Oh, oh. Ew.

There's something in my food.

Ah, crap. Someone get the manager.

No, no, no. Wait.

It's supposed to be in there. Welcome home, honey.

{\an8}I got you a D pendant, because I am D-pendant on you.

- Thank you. - Yeah. Real-- Real cute.

- A D for dog. - It's for Diane.

This is the sweetest choking hazard anyone's ever given me.

- [moans] - Mwah.

Well, how about some champagne for the happy couple.

{\an8}Waiter, get me a bottle of Dom

{\an8}to keep with the trend of sweet D gifts.

You're too kind, but everyone knows you go off menu for the good stuff.

{\an8}Yes, get me your most expensive bottle from the back.

{\an8}Perhaps a 1922-ish Heidsieck Diamant Bleu?

{\an8}A toast on me to Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter.

I'd like a round of drinks for everyone.

Off the menu, of course.

{\an8}- [all cheering] - BoJack, folks. What a sport.

{\an8}And while we're all in giving moods,

{\an8}I'd like to buy you all an Xbox, courtesy of me.

[all cheering]

Wow. You guys don't have to do this.

Look, I could happily go down this petty road of raising and re-raising one another.

[man] Please do!

{\an8}But I'd instead like to highlight the fact that Mr. Peanutbutter's ripping off my toast

{\an8}the same way he ripped off my entire career.

[man 2] Uh, we prefer gifts over observations.

Okay. Well, here's something I didn't rip off.

This brand new helicopter I just bought.

Whoo-whoo! Who wants a ride in the chopper?

- [applause and cheering] - Okay, guys. This has been fun, and also an offensive display of extravagant wealth, but maybe we should call it a night.

What's the rush?

Because I just bought the restaurant, and we can stay as long as we want.

- [all cheering] - Hey, you. I own you now.

- Do a dance. - [scats]

Oops.

[laughs] Oh, no. Hey, sorry, bud.

- It's all yours. - Please, you first.

Apparently, we both like to be clean.

I love being clean. That's so coincidental.

- I'm Todd. - Klaus.

Look, I know you're new here, but we have a lot in common: being white, into cleansing.

I think you'd enjoy hanging out with me and the gang.

When you say "the gang," do you mean a gang?

Check this out. If you want to lift weights, we got great yard connections.

If you like toilet wine, we spent the past 20 years perfecting pruno.

The Aryan nation is number one for a reason.

Never thought I'd say this, but you put a pretty good spin on Nazis.

Hey, tell you what. Drop by our party tomorrow.

Shoot the shit with the guys, mostly about Jews, and make up your own mind.

Until then, take my card.

Whoa. Uh, where were you keeping that card?

[both] Forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven...

Guys, can we give this thing a rest?

Rest? Why rest? I'm not tired.

I'm twice as not tired.

Or D, sex and candy?

[vibrates and rings]

[Todd] BoJack!

Todd, where the hell have you been?

I had to carpool home from the airport like a goddamn environmentalist.

I'm sorry, but I'm in jail, dude.

Well, you called the right person, because I need your help and you're my phone-a-friend.

Marie Curie won Nobel prizes in which two sciences?

A, chemistry and physics.

- B, biology and physics-- - Oh, B! The answer's B!

- It's A! - Damn it, Todd!

This was life or death.

Same with me. The bail's set at 50 bucks.

I'll be here wai--

[groaning]

Yes! I am the champion of the games!

Did you see that, Diane?

Diane?

You win, old friend.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to take my girlfriend to bed.

[groans]

We're still out?

[groans]

Night, BoJack.

Good night, Diane.

Give me a bottle of something to help me forget my problems.

Ooh, maybe not that strong.

What is this, breakfast?

Yeah, that's about right.

[gulping]

Well, that worked effectively.

[newsman] It's a Holly-who-done-it

{\an8}as police are scrambling to figure out

who stole the D from the famed Hollywood sign.

- Holly-what? - All of Tinseltown's

at DEFCON 5 until their diabolically displaced D

is demonstrably displayed once more.

Can we cool it with the alliteration?

Who wrote this copy? Randy, looking at you.

Weird.

Weirder.

[doorbell rings]

Why the hell would I steal a giant D?

Ding-dong! It's Diane.

D-- D-- Damn!

Meanwhile, local authorities

are already investigating several suspects.

David Duchovny, Dick Van Dyke, DMX,

and of course Dane Cook, who we all know is a thief.

Hey, D-voted memoirist.

I can't work on the book today. Too ill. Cough.

Are you ill, or hung-over?

Because instead of coughing you just said the word cough.

Plus you left me a long, drunken voicemail last night.

Ooh, was it bad?

It was mostly a lot of wheezing, as if you were climbing something, followed by the sounds of dismantling metal, and then grunting like you were dragging something heavy at least a few miles.

I didn't say anything incriminating, did I?

As incriminating as that question? No.

Good. Well, just as a general rule, you probably shouldn't be listening to any voicemails I leave after--

- What time do I start drinking? - Noon?

- Yup. See you later. - But we had an appointment.

What's that? An actor flaking on an obligation?

- Welcome to Hollywood. - I think you mean Hollywoo.

Did you see? Someone stole the D off the sign.

Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough.

Cough, cough, cough, cough, door slam.

- [phone rings] - What is it, BoJack?

You know, I'm tied up with all my Deans today.

Kane, Norris, Winters, and Koontz, all being questioned by police.

It was me. I stole the D.

- What? - Now be a good agent and make this not my problem.

How did you even--?

You know, your scandal-to-work ratio is, like, five to one.

Look, I need to get rid of this before Diane sees it.

Why do you care if Dia-- Oh, fish.

Are you in love with your biographer?

What?

[laughs] What?

Get out of here.

You stole the D for Diane. Unbelievable.

Yeah, I don't know. The D might be for David, because apparently when I was drunk,

I printed out a bunch of pictures of David Boreanaz.

Yeah. You did that.

Look, I'll keep your little crush busy long enough for you to get rid of the contraband, but the next three weddings I'm invited to, you're my date, dummy.

Since when to women your age get invited to weddings?

I have a lot of nieces and nephews!

[phone beeps off]

- [claps] - Well, you pulled it off, you deviant.

Get it? D-viant?

- I got it. - Tell me, how are you gonna complete your giant bracelet?

With the chain-link fence from Dodger's Stadium?

No. How'd you figure out it was me?

Oh, how did I figure it out? Well, I just followed the clues, used deduction, puzzle-solving, a little bit of forensics, and also, what did I do?

Oh, I listened to the voicemail you left me saying you were stealing the D because of Diane so I could, and I quote, "Suck your D."

Stop leaving voicemails!

Admit it! You like my girlfriend.

Oh, come on. I mean, am I attracted to her? Sure.

Do my days feel better when I'm around her? Yeah.

Does she get me in ways no woman ever has? Indubitably.

Do I fantasize about her? Yes, but only in two positions.

Look, am I the kind of guy who would try to steal someone else's girlfriend?

Sure, of course, but do I like her?

The answer's no. You have nothing to worry about.

I'll cut you a deal.

I help you get rid of that D, and you never talk to Diane again.

Well, I have to talk to her, because she's writing my book.

Okay, but just don't pursue her romantically?

- Deal. - Ha!

- I knew I'd get that handshake. - I regret this already.

Spread them wide, ladies. This is a random cavity search.

[both] Whoa! Buy a guy a drink first.

- [laughs] - Did we just say that...

- Oh! - ...at the same time?

Look, I saw you talking to Klaus in the shower.

Now, the Aryans are good guys, don't get me wrong.

But I don't know if you're gonna get the right attention over there.

Uh, I'd hate to get lost in a shop that big.

Now we can't offer you the works, but in the Latin Kings, you'll be a star.

We're number two, and that means we try harder.

Am I really being courted by two gangs?

Oh, I feel like the belle of the ball.

So, this is the shapeless biographer

I've heard so much about.

We've met several times.

Did you just call me here to insult me?

What is your secret, lady?

I mean, how do you get two grown men fighting over you like a foul ball at a football game?

First of all, football doesn't have foul balls.

Ugh, sports.

Second of all, nobody's fighting over me.

Open your eyes.

BoJack's clearly in love with you.

Wha--?

Get out of here!

Get out of here? Why would I get out of here?

You get out of here. This is my office.

I get the army men are police, but what's the mustard packet again?

Oh, that's just a mustard packet.

- It's left over from lunch. - Oh.

Well, can we move it off the table?

No. I still might want it later.

Good call.

So how do we get the D from here all the way up to here?

What, with all these cops and mustards,

- it's gonna be a pickle. - Oh, no.

The pickle's a SWAT van, but I see your point.

Might be easier to just ditch the evidence. But how?

I-- I don't know.

You think these coffees would get the juices flowing.

Well, they do have Bailey's in them.

Is that why I feel drunk?

Because I've had, like, seven or eight coffees.

I mean, I admit, it's been bad for ideas, but it's been great for camaraderie.

Couldn't agree more.

Ooh, hey. What time is it?

I probably need to move my helicopter.

It's in a two-hour zone.

You beautiful bastard, that's it!

We can pick up the D with your chopper, fly it out of here, and then dump it out into the ocean.

Stupendous!

Take that, the ocean.

[phone vibrates and rings]

- What now, Todd? - Listen.

So, kind of landed myself in a two-dates-to-the-prom situation.

The dates being prison gangs and the prom being a jump-in, so do you remember how you got out of the same jam on Horsin' Around?

Ah, a classic conundrum.

Well, I recall one time on Mr. Peanutbutter's House--

I think he's talking to me, pal.

You know, the guy whose show invented the two-dates-to-the-prom story.

You may have invented it, but I think our show perfected it.

The only thing you ever perfected

- was stealing my thunder. - Stealing your thunder, eh?

Now you're even stealing the words I'm saying.

You know, it's tough.

I agree with the Latin Kings on social issues, but fiscally I'm more of an Aryan.

Well, juggling both never ends well.

Mr. Peanutbutter, anything to contribute?

He's just staring blankly now.

Stealing your thunder.

You could also just bail me out of here, as I said.

- It's only 50 bucks-- - Got to go, pal.

Hope it's a magical night.

All right, you ready for the plan?

Oh, yeah.

But we are gonna need a big distraction to keep the eyes off the skies.

You leave that to me.

Whoa, wait. You had a lot to drink.

You better have a cup of coffee.

Who loves you, people?

Look this way, news media.

A celebrity is throwing away his hard-earned cash.

Everyone pay attention to me.

Oh, it's only one-dollar bills, folks.

Don't bother.

No, it's still free, spendable money.

This is a huge story.

Dollars are like the new penny.

Yeah. Cash is for poor people.

What is wrong with you bozos?

Just riot over the damn money already.

Well, nothing to see here, I guess.

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Whoa!

♪ Jesus Christ, my ankle ♪

- Oh, my God. - [groaning]

American singer-songwriter Beyoncé is hurt.

Somebody help her!

{\an8}Ring the alarm. Irreplaceable pop icon

and independent woman Beyoncé has been injured.

What more can you give us?

{\an8}Details are sketchy at this point,

{\an8}but we do know Beyoncé is a survivor,

{\an8}and presumably she will keep on surviving.

{\an8}- But what happened? - Well, Tom,

{\an8}I'm being told she fell on all the single dollars.

{\an8}- All the single dollars? - All the single dollars.

{\an8}All the single dollars?

{\an8}- All the single dollars. - Bills, bills, bills.

We promise to provide live, unflinching coverage

of this harrowing ordeal

of a star gone from dangerously in love

to dangerously in peril.

Don't stop watching.

Mr. Peanutbutter, take her home.

Doctors have confirmed

that Beyoncé will never perform again.

This just in. A break in the story of the Hollywoo heist.

{\an8}We now go live to the house of Mr. Peanutbutter,

{\an8}star of Mr. Peanutbutter's House.

Ah, jeez. What did that idiot do?

Ladies and gentlemen of the press,

I, and I alone, stole the D from the Hollywoo sign.

[all gasping]

Just tell us, why'd you do it?

Oh, I'll tell you why.

I did it all for my girlfriend, Diane.

[all] Aww.

Son of a bitch.

That literal son of a bitch.

If you're joining us, Mr. Peanutbutter has confessed

{\an8}to stealing the D for his girlfriend Diane

{\an8}in what many are calling the most romantic gesture

{\an8}in the history of romance and gestures.

{\an8}We now await the L.A.P.D.'s move.

{\an8}The day they make love a crime is the day I turn in my badge.

{\an8}- [all clapping] - [grunts]

And here's our lady of the hour now, Diane.

{\an8}Diane! What do you think?

{\an8}Wow, Mr. Peanutbutter, uh, it's kind of a lot.

{\an8}I don't really like to be on camera.

{\an8}And?

{\an8}Do you love anything or anyone?

{\an8}I got to go. We'll talk about it later.

♪ Ooh ♪

Oh, my Todd.

You look-- You look beautiful, holmes.

What? This old thing?

The guards made me wear it.

Yeah, well, it suits you.

You're an autumn, bro.

[both gulping]

Ahh.

It's good, right?

Oh.

Come meet my boy, Santiago.

Uh, you know, I'll-- I'll be right back.

I-- I left my cot unmade.

- [panting] - Ooh, watch it.

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Hope you didn't think I was pulling an Anne Frank on you.

[laughs] Good one.

Can you believe it?

I was double-crossed by the one man

I assumed was too stupid to even single-cross.

What? I have no idea what you're talking about.

I do have a life outside of you, you know.

Mr. Peanutbutter took my D and gave it to Diane.

Once again, he completely ripped me off.

Oh, right. That whole thing.

[sighs] Just a minute, Cate.

Look, you may have come up with a log line, but he's the one who sold the pitch.

This is more on brand for him than it is for you.

- What do you mean? - Desecrated a major landmark in a drunken stupor, that's a BoJack Horseman thing.

But stealing it for your girlfriend as a grand display of affection?

That's Mr. Peanutbutter.

You're right. It's Mr. Peanutbutter all over.

It's the kind of bold, romantic gesture they base movies on.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

Lora? Check if anyone's bought the rights yet.

Can we keep this about me, please?

Even if he stole your stealing of the D, what he made his was telling Diane how he felt from his heart.

You could never say it to me, and you still can't say it to her.

That's not true. I can express feelings.

Nothing on the outside. Nothing on the inside.

Look, I got to bounce. Quick question, though.

Would you see Cate Blanchett in a movie about Eva Braun?

Why are you wasting my time with this?

- Of course I would. Who wouldn't? - Huh.

[disco music plays]

And that's why Eva Braun was like the fifth Beatle of the Third Reich.

Wow. I never knew neo-Nazis were so interested in Nazis.

You got some great moves, Todd.

You dance like a white man, and I love it.

Hey, no disrespect, but I got a few chess pieces I forgot need whittling.

[panting] Oh, excuse me.

Oh, thank God you're back.

I was getting nervous that you left me for another gang.

[laughs]

If that happened, I'd have to kill you.

[laughter]

[bleats]

Thank you for rescheduling given your recent, uh, everything.

Yeah. That was really something.

I guess he makes your heart stand Stiller?

Yeah, but for some reason the jury's Stiller out on how I feel about it.

Well, that's because it wasn't for you.

That wasn't a Diane thing. It was a Mr. Peanutbutter thing.

Well, what would be a Diane thing?

A Diane thing would be something that shows he really knows you, like giving you an iPod loaded with all your favorite podcasts, or a practical houseplant, or surprising you with a bound album of photos and emails he saved.

That's-- That's what the Diane I know would want.

What are you saying to me?

Just that you should be with someone who knows you.

Yeah? Like who?

- I-- - [device beeps]

Whoa, were we-- Were we taping?

Um, okay.

Uh, you want to hear my Andy Dick story?

It's a doozie.

All we ask for is 10% of anything pilfered.

Drugs, cigarettes.

I mean, that's the standard gang rate.

Hey, I got to go, uh, do a prison thing.

That sounds legitimate. We are in prison, after all.

[panting]

Whew. Hey.

White people, right?

Todd? Why in the name of Pat Buchanan are you dressed like a Latin King?

- Uh, what-- - What the hell, bro?

- Are you playing both sides? - Look, guys,

I didn't want to choose between you because I like you both.

Look, in fact, if you just took the time to get to know each other the way you did me,

I think you'd agree we don't need gangs anymore because, deep down, we're all just people.

What do you say?

This just in. A standoff at the Super Max

has turned into a full-on race war.

But first, America has fallen in love with Hollywoo it-couple,

Mr. Peanutbutter and Diane--

[sighs]

[cell phone vibrating]

Diane? Is that you?

Hey. It's, um, me.

[nervously laughs]

Look, uh, things got a bit weird earlier, so I-- I want to make sure that we're still on for tomorrow to talk about the time I sneezed on Marisa Tomei.

I'm really sorry about before.

I know the D was overkill, so I got you something more personal.

Aww.

I also wanted to just, um, let you know how much I appreciate you working on this book with me.

I know I sometimes get carried away, but it's because I love you so much.

You're a catch, Diane, and I think you know how much I love catch.

And I'm sorry if I've been difficult in any way during this process.

You know, it's-- It's really hard to have somebody,

I don't know, know you, I guess.

And you do, uh, know me, Diane.

We're very different, but I think we bring out the best in each other.

It's like you're chocolate and I'm--

- Peanutbutter? - [laughs] What? Now see?

That was so much better than what I was gonna say.

- I was gonna say carrots. - [laughs]

And I know I'm not the perfect guy.

I actually kind of hate myself a lot of the time.

But when-- When I'm with you, I, uh, don't hate myself.

I like being around you, and I don't know if I ever told you that in so many words, so I'm telling you.

Diane, I've got an important question to ask.

No cameras, no big spectacle.

Just me and you.

Call me back.

This was BoJack, by the way.

Horseman, obviously.

Will you do the honor...

[cell phone chimes]

...of becoming Mrs. Peanutbutter?

Wow. This is happening so fast.

Yes. I'll marry you.

But I'm keeping my last name.

You hear that? She said yes!

- Let's kick it! - [festive music plays]

Erica, did you hear she said yes?

Come on in here! All right!

[fireworks pop and crackle]

She's not gonna call. Get out the consolation scotch.

[vibrates]

It's her! Make that celebration scotch.

- What's the difference? - It's the same scotch!

Diane! Hey, you!

Hey.

So this is weird.

I'm engaged.

Oh, wow.

To Mr. Peanutbutter?

I saw you left me a voicemail--

Delete it. It's just a drunken recipe for Bundt cake.

Not important.

Okay. I got to go.

They're about to move the D back.

- See you tomorrow? - Absolutely.

Well, nobody knows me like you.

[pilot] Time to bring this baby home.

To think I went from flying missions over Kandahar to this cushy crap.

I spoke too soon!

Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down!

See, you guys aren't so different.

- [grunting] - [helicopter approaching]

[crashing]

We're free! We're free!

- Yeah! - Freedom!

- I am free! - Freedom!

Oh, wow.

What a twist, huh?

And they say there's no new stories in Hollywoo.

[sighs]

♪ Hollywoo, Hollywoo ♪

[scatting]

♪ Back in the '90s ♪

♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪

♪♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪ - ♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack ♪

Boxer versus raptor.

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na! ♪