Home > BoJack Horseman

Escape from L.A.

What are you doing here?

{\an8}You said if I was in town to give you a call.

-Wanna get a drink? -It's eight in the morning.

It's 5:00 p.m. in Los Angeles.

-That's not true. -I don't know what time it is.

When's the last time you slept? You look like shit.

Really? 'Cause you look like a million...

-Yeah, let's get you back to my place. -What about the store?

What if somebody has an emergency and they need more... turquoise shit?

It's New Mexico.

They'll find it.

-It's really good to see you. -It's good to see you, too.

I can't wait for you to meet Kyle and the kids.

Kyle and the kids? Please tell me that's the name of your band.

[Charlotte laughs]

[mock '80s sitcom theme music]

{\an8}♪ Kyle and the kids ♪

♪ Kyle is the dad And Charlotte is married to him ♪

♪ And they've got some kids ♪

♪ There's Penny She's going to high school ♪

♪ And she's got a brother ♪

♪ Her brother's name is Trip ♪

♪ They're the perfect family ♪

♪ Kyle and the kids ♪

♪ He loves his wife And there's nothing you can do ♪

♪ Kyle and the kids ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna be all right Be all right, oh, no ♪

So, who are you again?

You were friends with Mom when she lived in L.A.?

{\an8}Your mom never mentioned she used to hang out with the BoJack Horseman?

{\an8}Star of screen and... book?

{\an8}-Wait, Mom lived in Los Angeles? -Never came up?

{\an8}-All these years? -It was a long time ago.

{\an8}Oh, gross. Mom, Trip has a boner again.

{\an8}-Trip. -Trip, let's dial back the boners.

{\an8}-Gross. -What? I can't help it.

{\an8}-Trip, ew. -You are at the breakfast table

{\an8}with your parents, your big sister, and an old man.

{\an8}-What could possibly be arousing you? -Am I the old man?

I don't understand how it works.

I was just excited that I finished the maze on the back of the cereal box.

So, BoJack. What brings you to Tesuque?

So, we're just gonna change the subject and pretend Trip isn't being a huge perv right now?

Yeah, Penny, that's the plan.

Talking about it makes it worse. It likes attention.

{\an8}Charlotte told me if I was ever in New Mexico

{\an8}-I should call her. -But what are you doing in New Mexico?

-Yeah, what are you doing in New Mexico? -I, uh...

You didn't drive all this way just to see my mom, did you?

[laughs] No, of course not.

That would be crazy, to come all this way just to see a woman

I haven't had a real conversation with in 30 years.

-I mean, obviously, that would be crazy. -Uh...

-Because she has a family, which is great. -Yeah.

-You guys are great. -Yeah.

So, I'm just here to, you know, say hello.

-Mm. -On my way to see...

-On your way to sea? -Yes.

To the sea. To the shining sea.

Because I'm here to buy... a boat.

-At the... Santa Fe Boat Show. -I've never heard of a Santa Fe Boat Show.

{\an8}That's 'cause... it's a secret boat show.

{\an8}-Invitation-only. -Huh.

{\an8}Mostly athletes and visiting dignitaries and big-time celebrities and... kings.

{\an8}-Wow. -[Penny] Hold up.

{\an8}If you live in Los Angeles, which is right on the ocean,

{\an8}why would you drive all the way here to go to a boat show

{\an8}-in the middle of landlocked New Mexico? -Jeez, so many questions.

What is this, Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities,

What Do They Know, Do They Know Things, Let's Find Out?

{\an8}[cell phone ringing]

{\an8}Oh, gotta take this. It's my... boat... guy.

-Hello? -Okay, so I got Turtel--

Hey, Knute.

-You got any leads for me, boat-wise? -What?

{\an8}Sounds perfect, Knute.

{\an8}-Now tell me, do we need a poop deck? -Huh?

-Well, if Leo has one, then I want one. -BoJack--

{\an8}In fact, I want two, two poop decks. Sorry about that. What's going on?

-Where the hell are you? -Tesuque.

-Te-who-ka? -Tesuque, New Mexico.

-Outside Santa Fe. -Are you te-stupid?

If you don't get your ass back te-set, you're gonna get te-sued.

-Just get me a couple of days. -For what? What are you doing there?

{\an8}I don't know, I just... [sighs]

{\an8}This isn't what I expected.

Well, I can probably stave them off till Monday if you get pinkeye.

-Can you get pinkeye? -I have to go.

Wait, BoJack, when are you coming back?

{\an8}Soon. Yep, I want the starboard

{\an8}-to be fully starboard. -What?

-And the port to be... also starboard. -Huh?

-Thanks a lot. Goodbye. -Wait, BoJack--

-Hey. -I'm really glad you're here.

Oh, yeah... uh, me, too.

I hope this isn't weird for you.

You know, me having a family and--

Why would it be weird? [chuckles]

At our age, it's weird if you don't have a family.

-I mean... -Well, not for you.

-No. -'Cause you've been busy.

-Right. -With your career.

Sure, yeah, my career has kept me super busy.

Anyway, I know you're just in town for the boat show, but seriously... make yourself at home.

I really don't want to impose.

If there's anything I can do to help around here--

Mom, Dad was supposed to take me driving after school today, but now he's gotta take Trip to his dumb-ass basketball game.

-It's the quarter-finals. -You'll just get a hard-on in the game.

Now I will get a hard-on because you made me think about it. Thanks a lot.

-I'll take you driving this weekend. -I need to practice every day.

I'm the only senior who still doesn't have a license.

It's embarrassing.

Well, I got the store, and I already took the morning off, so unless you know any other adults...

Can BoJack take me?

-Huh? -What?

-I mean, he is an adult. -Uh...

Well, I mean, if it's okay with BoJack.

You'd really be doing me a huge favor.

Well, I guess I could make some time... before the boat show.

Keep your eyes on the road, both hands on the wheel.

-Okay. -And don't text and drive, unless it's an emergency, like you have a really funny thing that you just have to text someone.

-Got it. -So, let me ask you something. Tsk.

Do your parents really love each other, or is it a stay-together-for-the-kids situation?

What? Why would you ask me that?

I don't know. Just making conversation.

-Why do we keep passing the same house? -No, I don't. Shut up.

You shut up. What's the story? Cute guy live there? Girl you hate?

College kid that gives you Adderall?

Okay, fine.

That's Diego Mendoza's house.

He's just this stupid guy.

He's in my calculus class, and sometimes we'll do this thing where he goes, "Hey," and then I go, "Hey."

Then he goes, "What's the homework?" and I tell him.

It's not like a big deal or anything, but it's like this thing we do.

-Cool thing. -So, anyway...

{\an8}My best friend, Alison F. was talking to Rachel Kaplan.

{\an8}[BoJack] Do I really need to know these names?

{\an8}[Penny] Rachel heard from Ray-Ray and the Bean

{\an8}that Diego said if prom happened right now

{\an8}he'd want to go with Ali Sandler, and I'm like,

"Yeah, pfft, okay, dude." You know what I mean?

You know I don't know any of these people, right?

But then he said since prom's not for another two months, he could "foresee a situation" where he would want to go with me, because he knows I'm a real girl who's mostly chill. [chuckles]

If you're so mostly chill, why do you keep driving by his house?

In case he comes out, to, like, check the mail or something.

I'll get out of the car and be like, "That's so funny.

I was just going for a drive."

And he'll be like, "Oh, hey." And I'll be like, "Hey."

-'Cause that's our thing, you know? Heh. -That's the whole plan?

Well, it's better than your plan for buying a boat in New Mexico.

Dude, what are you really doing here?

[BoJack sighs]

I didn't... like the person I was in L.A.

And I didn't know where else to go.

-Please do not tell your parents. -Well, I won't, but I think people are gonna notice if you go to a boat show and don't come back with a boat.

[BoJack sighs]

Oh, my God, there he is. Get down!

-Oh, my God. Oh! -What are you doing?

-What happened to your plan? -Oh! I panicked.

I didn't know he'd be wearing a tank top. [screams]

-Don't tell my parents I crashed your car. -Yeah, deal.

-They didn't even put me in. -[sighs] I'm sorry, sweetheart.

You did some great cheering from the bench, and for someone who never plays, you sweat a lot.

-Maybe they'll put me in next game. -Sure, they will.

[whispering] No way they'll do that.

[truck beeping]

-[Kyle in normal voice] What the...? -Huh?

-Whoa! -Whoa!

What a boat.

-Can I go on your boat? -I don't see what's stopping you.

Yeah! Woo-hoo! I'm going on a boat! I got my way!

Where's your car?

I junked it. Who needs a car when you got a boat?

-Uh... well-- -[Trip] Whoa, sweet, a waterbed.

On a boat! Think of the amount of floating!

Please stay out of the bedroom.

-Does she have a name? -Who?

-The boat? It does not. -Come on. You gotta give her a name.

You should call her the Escape From L.A.

That actually is a good name for it, the nongendered object.

Oh, she's a good girl.

[chuckles] I can tell, she's a good girl, isn't she?

-Or are you a bad girl? -Are you flirting with my boat right now?

No, just kidding around. I'm kind of the comedian of the family.

-Mind if I get on top of her? -Knock yourself out.

Dad, don't be gross.

-Wow, you really got a boat. -Yeah, sure did.

So, does that mean you're leaving?

Oh, I, uh...

Yeah, I guess, uh... I guess I did... do what I came here to do.

You don't have to go right away, right? At least stay till the end of the weekend.

-Yeah? I don't wanna put you out. -Oh, it's no bother.

And at least now you have your own bed. Besides... heh, everyone here loves you.

Uh, everyone?

[Kyle] Don't use the bathroom. It'll end up in the driveway.

-[Trip] Too late. -Seriously, stay as long as you want.

[cell phone rings]

-What? -BoJack, great news.

Do you still want to go to New York? Because Jill Pill--

Jill Pill? I don't care about this.

Okay, moving on. Do you remember when we were at Herb's funeral

-and you told me--? -Whatever it is, I don't care.

[Trip] Oh, there's a kitchen! Can we make pizza bagels?

[Kyle] Yeah, family dinner on the boat.

[family laughs]

Hey, uh, I'm not gonna be back on set Monday.

What? How long do I have to keep putting out fires for you?

I don't know, Princess Carolyn. Just let them burn.

-What? -I think I might be here a while.

Listen, I--

[grunts]

[sighs]

Well, who's getting seasick? [retches]

[family laughs]

Just kidding. [chuckles]

It's such an eyesore.

Well, I'm sure if we ask them nicely, they'll move the boat.

[husband sighs]

BoJack?

-Yeah? -Supper's ready.

So, I had another meeting today with the Drama Chair at SFCC.

They're gonna offer me a position.

-What? That's amazing. -Oh, that's cool. Congratulations.

There's a real stick-in-the-mud dean there who doesn't like my in-your-face style.

If I know me, it might lead to some pretty zany misadventures.

Mm. Brussels sprouts are delicious, Mom.

It's funny you brought up the Brussels sprouts, because I think they're terrible.

[Kyle snorts, then laughs]

I'm just kidding around. These are great, hon.

[all laugh]

Penny, did you hear my bit about the Brussels sprouts?

A bit is what they call a joke in show business.

-Right, BoJack? -That's right.

String a bunch of those together and you got yourself a riff.

[groans] You're not funny, Dad. Your jokes are never funny.

Okay... I think someone's in a mood.

Oh, my God. I'm not in a mood.

Whatever. Get bent.

I hate my life. I can't wait to be dead.

[door slams]

[BoJack and Charlotte] I'll talk to her.

Everyone said for months

-that Diego was gonna ask me to prom. -Yeah?

-But he keeps not doing it. -That is so typical Diego.

So, I thought, okay, if he's not going to ask me, I'll ask him.

-Way to take initiative. -Oh. Rookie mistake.

So, I asked him and he said no.

And then this other girl, Lyla K., came up to him and was just like, "Hey."

And he was like, "Hey." And that's our thing.

Well, I don't want to tell tales out of school, but this Lyla K. character sounds like a real bust-ass super-skank.

Thank you, that is exactly what she is. It's weird that nobody talks about it.

Well, you know, sometimes it's nice to not have a date,

-because you can actually-- -Mom.

I can't go to the prom without a date. It's not like when you were in high school

-and you'd go to your sock hops. -Do you think

-I went to high school in the '50s? -Penny, hey, I got an idea.

-You should take me to the prom. -Huh?

Everybody loves having BoJack around.

What? Why?

Think about it. If you went with Diego, you'd be nervous.

"Does he like me? Am I cool?"

But with me you can just relax and enjoy yourself.

Diego will see you have a good time without him,

and that'll make him super jealous.

So, he'll come up to you, and he'll say, "Hey."

And then you say, "Hey."

-Oh, that's so cold. -Right?

-Wait-- -Rachel Kaplan's gonna shit herself.

-How is that cold? -Then he'll say, "Wanna dance?"

And you'll say, "I'm busy right now. Maybe later."

And then... never dance with him.

-That'll show him. -Wait-- I'm sorry.

-Don't you want to dance with Diego? -Stop poking holes, Charlotte.

-This is a great plan. -Yeah, Mom, don't poke holes.

Hey, Dad, BoJack's taking me to prom!

Oh, [chuckles] yeah, well, that's definitely the better idea.

[Kyle] Okay, everyone smile. Real big.

-[all] Cheese. -I think we have enough pictures.

Oh, come on, it's your first prom. Indulge us.

Taking pictures before prom is so bourgeois.

And who are you again?

-I'm Maddy. -Maddy's my best friend.

-I thought Alison F. was your best friend. -That was like three best friends ago.

[snickers] You were best friends with Alison F.?

-No. -Hey, BoJack, I'm Pete.

But they call me Pete Repeat because I always say everything twice.

-Everything? -Yeah, it's kind of my thing.

-Okay. -Ah, damn.

I forgot to say that twice, didn't I? Usually I do it.

Cool.

[rock music playing over stereo]

Wow, Ray-Ray and the Bean are already posting pics on Instagram.

-What? -Hashtag much?

Let me see.

Whoa, hold on. Responsible adult.

-What are you drinking? -Nothing.

-Hand it over. -[scoffs] Fine.

Ugh. Red Bull and vodka? What are you, 12? You'll get sick drinking all that sugar.

Do they teach you anything in school? Make a left at the light.

-Where are we going? -I'll get you some bourbon.

And you'll cut it with water. That way you don't get hungover.

Wait, really?

If you're gonna drink, you should be smart about it.

Awesome. Wait. How many times did I just say "awesome"?

Was it twice or was it once? Ah, it was probably twice.

Yeah, it's twice. Pete Repeat.

[hip-hop music playing over speakers]

[opossum screeches]

-Ugh. It burns. -Yeah, 'cause it's not a juice box.

You want some?

-No, thanks. -[coughing] Pussy.

I'm driving.

Well, more for me.

This prom is really bourgeois.

-Lyla K. is so pretty. -Shut up. She's got nothing on you.

Why is nobody dancing? We gotta get this party started.

[sighs]

Beat it, Poindexter.

-Poindexter? -It's a nerd reference... [sighs]

-Just beat it. -Ah!

-[feedback squeaks] -Huh?

-Hey! -What's the big idea?

Why is there an adult at our high school prom?

All right, folks. We're taking it back to 1991, when a new funky-fresh dance craze took this nation by storm.

-All right. [chuckles] -I'm listening.

As a teen, I'm open to new experiences.

Ready for the chorus, stay on the beat, and here... we... go. Waka waka.

Now boys and girls, if you wanna do the BoJack,

-take your hands and put them on your-- -Boo!

-This sucks. -This guy's bad.

God, no! This is not the immediate praise I expected.

[R & B ballad playing over speakers]

[students cheering]

This prom sucks.

You can say that again.

-I know. -[slurring] My flask got empty.

Can we be back to the car, so, for more get for put in it?

Or we could go back to the car and just leave.

-You can't just leave the prom. -Of course you can. You're young.

You can do whatever you want.

That's what they never tell you until it's too late. You don't have to be here.

Yeah, is right. Society is everywhere.

-Society. -Well, what else are we gonna do?

I'd say it's time to get down, time to hit the town.

Is that a lyric from that "Do the BoJack" song?

Just get in the car.

[Penny laughs]

Okay, one... two... three.

[Penny] Wow. That is so beautiful.

[Maddy burps]

Hey, you wanna climb up on the water tower?

We could see the whole city.

Yeah, I wanna go.

-[Maddy vomits] -Oh.

Oh, careful there, Maddy.

Actually, I'm gonna stay right here.

This is nice.

[both grunting]

Wow, how'd you think to do all this?

I don't know. It just came to me.

I'm really glad we left that stupid prom, but I'm kind of bummed we didn't get to dance.

Well, you wanna dance?

Yes, hold on.

Got it, okay.

[pop ballad playing haltingly over phone]

It's buffering.

Buffering still, buffering.

This night has been... so perfect.

You know, you look just like your mother.

[Pete] Guys?

I think you should come down here.

She's still breathing, but she won't wake up.

She just had too much to drink. Take her back to your place.

-She can spend the night. -Maddy, come on.

No, look, my cousin had a friend who passed out like this, and she died of alcohol poisoning, man.

I really think we should get Maddy to a hospital, to a hospital.

Did you see what I did there? That's why they call me Pete Repeat.

BoJack, what do we do?

[tires screech]

-Society. -Careful.

-I'm being careful. -Okay.

-Lock the wheels. -Watch her head.

Maddy's gonna be just fine. They'll know what to do here.

Pete, you're in charge.

-Penny and I are gonna take off. -What?

You don't want too many people around in a hospital setting.

If anyone asks, tell them we left the dance early, and you don't know where Maddy got the whiskey.

Why?

It's one thing if a bunch of kids get drunk on prom night, but if there's an adult there, I was supposed to be responsible, and then the whole thing feels kind of creepy.

Are you sure she's gonna be okay?

-I don't know, BoJack. -Pete.

I'm the adult here, and I need you to listen to me.

Penny and I left early. You don't know who gave Maddy whiskey.

Are we clear on this?

I need you to be 100 percent with me here.

Uh...

Just listen to him. He knows what he's doing.

It's gonna be okay. Where did Maddy get the alcohol from?

[Maddy groaning]

I... I don't know.

And what happened to your friends BoJack and Penny?

[sighs] They left early.

See, that's not so hard.

You're doing the right thing. Don't forget that.

[Pete sighs]

-Okay. -Is it okay?

Or "okay" okay?

-Uh... "okay" okay. -All right, that's what I thought.

You're the future of America! Go, Penny! Go, go, go!

[tires screech]

-She's gonna be okay, right? -She'll be fine.

It's a part of growing up.

And we did the right thing back there, you think?

I... [sighs] Look, sometimes when you're an adult, the right thing isn't always the best thing.

Well...

I had a really good time tonight.

Even with all the craziness.

This was really special.

I'm glad.

You know, everyone always treats me like a kid.

You're the first grown-up I've ever met who actually treats me like... you know, a person.

So, thanks. Mwah.

-Well, you're welcome, Penny. -Mm--

-Whoa, Penny, come on. -If you want to do it, I'm ready.

I have condoms in my room. I can put one on with my mouth.

-With your mouth? -I put one on a banana in health class.

With your mouth? What kind of health class--?

Look, you are an amazing person, but you're 17.

Which is the legal age of consent in New Mexico.

Okay, that's not--

And I didn't drink tonight, so everything's totally legal.

-Penny, no. -It's okay. I want this.

No, you think you do, but...

You don't know what you want.

Oh, God. [sniffs]

This is so dumb.

-No, Penny, don't-- -I'll see you tomorrow.

[sighs]

Hey.

-What'd you do with my daughter? -She had a big night.

She was falling asleep on the ride home. Where are the boys?

Trip's at a friend's house and Kyle's asleep.

-You know you can get your own, right? -Hey, do you remember that time you, me and Herb let those balloons go over Studio City?

Oh, yeah. Didn't we attach glow sticks to them or something?

-Yeah. -Ooh. That was really bad for the environment.

-True, but-- -A seagull could've choked

-on one of those balloons. -But it's a nice memory, right?

It was a fun night.

We had a lot of fun nights.

Before you left town, you told me L.A. was a tar pit.

-Do you remember? -Oh, God.

I said so many things when I was young. I thought I was so deep.

-Well, do you still think it's true? -Do I think L.A. is a tar pit?

No.

No, I think you're the tar pit.

-Me? -No, not "you" you.

I'm just saying, like...

It doesn't matter where you are, it's who you are, and that's not gonna change whether you're in California or Maine or New Mexico.

You know, you can't escape... you.

-Ugh. Now you sound like my mother. -No, what? No, I don't. [laughs]

[Charlotte sighs]

-I don't know what to do, Charlotte. -About what?

I keep... making these bad decisions.

-And hurting people. -Well...

-Can I tell you a joke? -Is it a long joke with no punch line?

-No. -Then go ahead.

Guy goes into the doctor's office. Says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this."

You know what the doctor says?

-"Don't do that." -Yeah.

-That's actually... good advice. -And you know what else?

The doctor in that story was a woman.

What?!

[BoJack laughs]

[both moan]

[Charlotte gasps]

Oh. BoJack, um...

-I think you got the wrong idea. -Let's go.

-Let's get out of here right now. -No, BoJack.

You and me, this is real.

-You know this is real. -My husband is right upstairs.

I don't care about your husband. All that matters is us.

-Don't do this, BoJack. -I know you feel it, too.

So many times in my life I've done the wrong thing, but this is the right thing, and I have never been more sure of anything.

I've wasted so much time sitting on my hands and imagining what could have been.

Tell me you don't feel the same. Tell me you haven't thought about it.

[Charlotte sighs]

-I think you should go. -Okay.

-Tomorrow. -Charlotte--

I have worked very hard to build this life for myself.

I am happy here.

And you just roll into my life like a hurricane.

Why? Because we knew each other for five minutes 30 years ago?

-I don't know you. -You do.

I don't. And you don't know me.

No, please. These last few months have been amazing.

-I love you, your family and this town. -Stop.

-I never wanted to hurt-- -BoJack--

I'm sorry I kissed you. I shouldn't have. We can pretend it didn't happen.

-Everything can go back to normal, but-- -No, no, stop. No.

Please, don't make me go back to L.A.

I don't care where you go, BoJack, but I can't have you around here.

You make me too sad.

Okay.

What are you doing here?

I know what I want, BoJack.

Go to bed, Penny.

[sighing]

Wait, what?

[clattering from inside]

[Penny whispering] Shh, shh, shh. Quiet, quiet, quiet.

[Penny gasps]

-No. -Mom.

-Charlotte. -Penny, go to your room.

-We didn't even do anything. -Now, Penny.

[Penny crying]

-Charlotte, I am so sorry-- -Don't. Don't you dare.

If you are not out of my driveway in 30 minutes, I will call the police.

And if you ever try to contact me or my family again,

I will fucking kill you.

[♪♪]

[can crunches]

[grunts]

[Diane] Hey.

Hey.

You're still here?

Yep, still here.

♪ Back in the '90s ♪

♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪

-♪ I'm BoJack the horse ♪ -♪ BoJack! ♪

♪ BoJack the horse Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold onto my past ♪

♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack! ♪

Boxer versus raptor. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.