Home > BoJack Horseman

BoJack Kills

[Horsin' Around music playing]

What happened to my birthday cake?

- Goober. - It wasn't me.

But you're welcome to check my pockets.

- Go home, Goober. - Go home, Goober.

- [applause] - [videotape stops]

[man] Oh, I was a Goober, all right. I Goobed with the best of 'em.

But that ain't me anymore.

I'm now the proprietor/spokesperson/ number one customer of Whale World.

At Whale World, families come together to admire the fine female form of the majestic killer whale.

It's educational.

Join us in the Splash Zone.

You and your little ones are gonna get moist.

Whoo-hoo!

These orcas have the floppiest dorsal fins in town

and they can't wait to jump through hoops for you and your kids.

Bring your prepubescent daughters, who are beginning to be cognizant of a woman's role in the world.

They won't internalize deeply problematic notions about the commodification of sexuality in today's society.

What are you talking about? It's just whales.

And what about so-called "experts," who say it's wrong to keep these girls in captivity so they can amuse and entertain us?

Well, to those people I say, "Stop saying that, okay?"

{\an8}These sea girls are my family, and my business.

{\an8}And they can be yours too.

{\an8}Come on down to Whale World, a fun, sexy time for the whole family.

{\an8}[funky electronic music]

♪ ♪

[piano music playing]

♪ It is winter, yes, that's right ♪

♪ A time for family and lights ♪

♪ It doesn't mean God And it doesn't mean pray ♪

♪ Unless that's what you want But who are we to say? ♪

- Hey, Jill. - Where are you? I hear mirth.

{\an8}An elementary school all inclusive non-denominational winter day pageant.

{\an8}Oh, no. The snow goblin wants to destroy our seasonal festivities.

{\an8}"Snow goblin" is an offensive slur.

Jesus, Jill. And you thought your play sucked.

- I didn't. - Well, regardless.

{\an8}A lot of these fancy kids' fancy parents are Oscar voters.

{\an8}If I wanna get nominated, I got to rub elbows

{\an8}and whatever the non-denominational word for schmooze is.

Hobnob. Did you check on Cuddlywhiskers like I asked?

He's doing great. Little of this, little of that.

Likes to go jogging... in a big wheel.

- You didn't check on him, did you? - Completely forgot.

{\an8}- Shh! Keep it down, buddy. - Oh, I'm sorry.

{\an8}Did you miss the three wise people make their journey to visit the regular baby?

Go to his house.

If he's not there, you must retrieve something for me, something of a sensitive nature.

{\an8}Oh, fine, if it'll finally make you stop calling me, asking me to go on errands.

- What do you need? - A letter I wrote him, back when we were, prepare yourself, I'm about to say lovers... Lovers.

{\an8}- That was not enough time to prepare. - Get off the phone, jerk.

It was years ago and it was quite beautiful and disgusting all at once. I remember it fondly. And horribly.

- What's in the letter? - None of your concern. I must have it, for... sentimental reasons. Goodbye.

{\an8}- Did you have a nice phone call? - Are you in the Academy?

{\an8}- No. - Then I don't care what you think.

{\an8}- I got to go do a thing for someone. - Fine.

{\an8}You made your appearance, you were magnificent, I'm very proud.

{\an8}But don't forget, you have a full day of muckety-muck glad-handing.

{\an8}The Bat Mitzvah, the senior Academy member meet and greet.

{\an8}You'll be wonderful, I have complete faith in you.

{\an8}That is literally the first time anyone ever said that to me.

{\an8}Diane, you'll keep up his Internet presence?

{\an8}I want him trending by this afternoon.

{\an8}But good trending, not bad trending, you understand?

{\an8}Hashtag you betcha.

{\an8}Did I just say hashtag out loud? Hashtag, oops. Hashtag, oh no!

I'm honestly more alarmed by the "you betcha".

I'll take a smoke break before these little boogers dig into the refrain of "Frosty the Non-Gendered Snow Person."

Ugh. Could you imagine having a kid? Eww.

[phone] I'm Terry Gross and this is your ring tone.

I'm here with novelist Jonathan Lethem.

Jonathan, how did you become a ring tone?

[Lethem] You know, Terry, growing up in Brooklyn,

I was always fascinated by ring tones and the stories they told.

Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter.

Hello, my precious darling slice of sunshine, who I am not putting on a pedestal.

Just calling for our daily download, as per Dr. Janet's friendly but firm suggestion.

When do you think you'll be home?

- Uh, it might be late. - Okay, just let me know.

I cherish you, I respect you and you have value.

I feel valued and I value you.

I am hearing that and I accept that.

- Diane? - Yes?

Do you accept my acceptance?

I hear it and I accept it and I value it and all the other verbs.

Promise you won't work too hard today?

I won't, if you promise me you won't bother that skunk next door.

I don't want to come home to a stinky husband.

That is some great food for thought. I gotta go right now.

[auto-dialing]

[sighing]

[phone ringing]

Mr. Peanutbutter, my favorite weekday client.

- Why are you calling on the weekend? - I need your help.

I've done something bad, very bad.

Put the corpse on ice, I'm on my way.

What? No, it's not. Why would I--

Listen, I was sniffing around where I didn't belong and I got skunked.

- What? - You got to help us.

- Us? - Todd's here too.

I'm skunked, Princess Carolyn. Skunked real bad.

Yeah, yeah, we got real bad skunked, super skunked.

- Hardcore. - Yeah, hardcore skunked.

Okay. First things first, don't go back in the house.

Sadly, you can call me L.L. Cool J because I am in the house.

Yecch! Okay, don't move. I'll be there in 20.

Mind if I do this real quick? I gotta pick up a letter.

Can we make the appearances we're supposed to make and go home?

Oh, sure.

I haven't seen you much since you moved out of my deck chairs.

You know, I've been focusing on my new job and my marriage and--

- And avoiding me? - I'm not avoiding you.

I'm just making an effort to not be in a room alone with you

- because I am... avoiding you. - Oh.

You know, I think we're alike in a lot of ways.

I always tell people you're like the not-cool version of me.

Sometimes that's great, but it also means we can bring out the worst in each other.

I'm trying to get my life back on track.

I just think maybe it's better, for both of us, if we keep things a little more professional.

Yes, okay. Professional.

BoJack and Diane being professional. Doing our jobs and nothing else.

We're at the place I needed to go to.

It's so weird I drove here on accident.

Might as well run in and grab that thing I need to get.

- Then, back to business. - [groans]

[creaking]

- It's spooky in here. Too spooky. - Really?

And what would be the right amount of spooky? Jesus, this thing's heavy.

Now I know how Hilary Swank's arms got so jacked.

Put it down, BoJack.

Does it look weird? Me with an Oscar?

- I actually think that it feels-- - Oh, my God.

- I think she's dead. - Hold on, maybe she's not dead.

Maybe she's just being a-- a whale? No, she's dead.

Maybe there's someone in her phone we can call.

Diane, kids these days don't call.

They communicate via a combination of text messages,

- eye rolls, and dick pics. - Oh, my God.

What is it? Dick pics? See if they spell out a message.

- [guns cocking] - Freeze! Drop the Oscar!

- Oh, man. - Well, well, well.

Or should I say whale, whale, whale? Killer whale, that is.

Or should I say killed whale?

- Listen, Officer-- - I told you to freeze.

You just became prime suspects in the case I like to call,

"Black and White and Dead All Over, A Whale Of A Crime:

An Officer Meow Meow Fuzzyface Mystery."

Eh...

- Cuff 'em, boys, or, uh, girls. - I am a woman, sir.

Lindsay, you know I am trying.

Can we please show a united front in front of the perps?

- We will talk about this later. - Aww.

Ohh! It smells like a skunk skunked another skunk in here, then they smoked a joint. What happened?

First I rolled all over the couch to get the skunk stench out, but that did not work.

Then I ran into every room to rub myself on all my clothes and belongings, to get the Mr. Peanutbutter smell back.

And then I smoked a joint, so that might be why it smells like skunk in here.

Princess Carolyn, I have to fix this before Diane gets home.

Things have been shaky with us since she pretended to be out of the country for two months.

And then when I filled our entire house with these giant crates of spaghetti strainers, that did not help.

Why buy these spaghetti strainers in the first place?

Oh, I don't even remember. I'm sure it'll pay off at some point.

Man, married life is weird.

We're making an effort and getting stronger every day, but I swear to God we are like five big fights away from a divorce,

I do not want this to be one.

Okay, number first. We got to get you in a tomato bath.

Mmm! Delicious and nutritious.

Is marinara all right, or will I need something zestier like Arrabiata?

Tomato bath.

Whoa!

I am so high right now. [sniffs] Wait, was there a skunk in here?

[Princess Carolyn groans]

- What do you know about Nadia? - Uh, who's Nadia?

Your friend doing the face-down mambo in the king-sized bathtub.

- Now I know her name is Nadia. - Oh, so you're a comedian, huh?

Although I am trying to branch into more serious roles.

You pigs think you can march all over us. But I know my rights.

- Yeah, what are they? - I mean, I don't know them know them.

But I know that I have them. So, can I check my phone real quick?

You're not gonna look up your rights, are you?

What? No.

I'm just supposed to moderate an Emily VanCamp live-chat talkback on Snapchat.

Let me just set up the user preferences here, and... you can't detain us unless we're under arrest.

Damn it. You were looking up your rights, weren't you?

Nope, that was just a thing I already knew.

Everyone's stupid rights these days. I never get to have any fun.

- Let's get out of here. - BoJack, I need to show you something.

This is Nadia's phone.

I did not know you were such a klepto. I can buy you a new phone.

Check this out, the last text message she sent.

"BoJack is going to kill me?"

I think someone's trying to frame you, for murder.

[gasps]

Oh, my God, we're gonna be late for the Bat Mitzvah.

We got to get to Brentwood.

At this time of day? It's gonna be... murder.

♪ Hey, hey, hey. L'chaim ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey. L'chaim ♪ Hey!

I can't believe you're not more concerned about this.

- Someone is implicating you in a murder. - I can be two things at once.

I am very concerned, but also very proud that today Tovah is a woman.

Hi, BoJack Horseman, potential Oscar nominee.

I am kvelling over here. Real verklempt.

Shabbat shalom. Shabbat shalom.

- Shabbat shalom. - Shabbat shalom to you.

We need to figure out who's behind this. Call Jill, find out what she knows.

Good thinking.

If I go to jail, that will throw a monkey wrench into my awards campaign.

The Academy does not look kindly on murder.

Rape, they don't seem to have a problem with.

Be careful. Jill could be the one trying to set you up.

She did send us to the house.

Backstrom, turn it down a notch. Aren't you supposed to be tweeting for me?

This is a crucial weekend for BoJack brand awareness.

What am I supposed to tweet? "Someone got murdered, we found the body.

- Hashtag murder party"? - No, obviously.

[grunts] Bat Mitzvah in Brentwood. Hashtag Jewish stuff.

- [Jill] BoJack. - Hey, Jill.

You're not trying to frame me for murder, are you?

- What? - Can you take this seriously?

Can you take this seriously?

You find the letter? Check in the vent behind the water feeder.

I've been pretty tied up at Drake's cousin's Bat Mitzvah.

Did you know Drake's cousin was Jewish?

I'm sorry, did I forget to hang up? Get the letter.

This is why I couldn't live in New York. Everyone's so bossy.

Also, what's with the pizza by the slice thing?

Hey, New York, either eat a pizza or don't.

I'm calling the last person Nadia was in contact with before she died.

Maybe she knows something.

- [female] Nadia? - No, this is--

Where you been? Boys upstairs are getting real sick of you.

[Goober] Get off the phone, Skinny Gina. You're on the clock.

[female] I gotta go.

- That man's voice sounded familiar. - Yeah, super familiar.

Something about that voice made me want to tell it to go home.

- [gasps] It's Goober. - [gasps] Goober.

That guy never went home.

Except for that one episode "Goober Goes Home," because we were on a softball team together and the home was home plate.

They must be at Whale World.

Okay, good. Because I absolutely want to get to the bottom of this.

Can we at least wait until after they lift the chair?

- That is my favorite part. - Yeah, we gotta lift the chair.

[Todd] Oh, I taste delicious.

How you boys doing in there?

- Ahh! I feel clean as a whistle. - Oh, no, the stain.

- Me three. - [groans]

You took your bath together?

Lena Dunham takes baths with her friends and no one gives her shit.

Gotta-- Gotta get dry.

Mr. Peanutbutter, use the towel. Do not shake.

- The sauce is so sticky and wet. - Don't shake.

It's dripping all over my body. I gotta shake!

- Aaah! - [Princess Carolyn] Aah!

Oh, yeah.

[shuddering]

Oh, look, that made things worse.

Okay, I'll call a cleaning service. You two get rid of the stinky clothes.

You got it, chief. Hooray! Following instructions.

[dance music playing]

Ooh.

Fish half off at Beverly Hills farmers market.

Hashtag something fishy this way comes.

You're not putting emojis in, are you? BoJack don't tweet emojis.

- BoJack? Oh, my God! - Oh, hey... you.

I haven't seen you in forever.

- You came to see your old friend. - Uh, yeah.

All this time I thought you forgot about me.

Things haven't been so swell with me since the show ended.

- Not like you, Mr. Movie Star. - [chuckles] Okay, buddy.

Just knowing that you care about me and would come patronize my place of business,

- it really means a lot. - You got it, Goober.

Oh, no, I haven't been Goober for 20 years.

- You can call me by my real name. - Okay, maybe I will.

Right now, call me by my real name. I want to hear you.

Uh...

I want to say Goo... bert. Goobert?

Oh, you didn't come to see me, did you?

- No, we did, but-- - I get it. I'm a big joke.

"Let's all go down to Whale World and laugh at Goober.

We'll have a whale of a good time at Goober's expense.

He's always good for a laugh."

I should've known better than to get my hopes up.

Yeah.

We're looking for one of your strippers, Skinny Gina?

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't employ strippers here.

Whale World is a family establishment, where children of all ages have a fun, sexy time.

Hey, Skinny Gina, get that sweet tail over here!

You got a customer. You enjoy yourself.

- Well, hello, land mammals. - [chuckles]

We're just here to ask you some questions about your friend Nadia.

I'm on the clock. You want to chat?

Buy me a private dance in the Blowhole Room.

- Oh, please. - Ugh, gross. Private dance?

But if that's the only way she'll talk, then fine.

Fine, I'm offended. Yuck.

But really, guys, gross. Start it now.

- But gross. - [groans]

Oh, um, you can dance however you want. Don't do this for my benefit.

Tango, waltz, salsa. I'm just saying, but pretend I'm not here.

- How would you dance then? - Like a stripper, probably.

Listen, we have some bad news. Your friend Nadia is dead.

- Not surprised. - You're not?

A lot of girls like her come through here. Sweet, vulnerable.

This place takes 'em and makes 'em a lot of promises.

They say they're gonna take care of you, make you big like Shamu.

But once your body gets too banged up, they don't want you no more.

- Thar she blows, then thar she goes. - Shit.

Watch your mouth, lady. There are children here.

- Uh... - [giggling]

What do you know about Nadia's relationship with Cuddlywhiskers?

Doesn't ring a bell, never met the guy.

His house has been abandoned for months, though. That's all I know.

- That's it? - That's it.

A bunch of girls used to hang out.

He had some sort of system. Told 'em he was gonna help 'em.

- What do you mean, "system"? - I have already said too much.

A system is a formulated method or plan of procedure.

- I know what the word "system" means-- - But that's all I can say.

That text that Nadia sent you, "BoJack is going to kill me."

Any idea what that's about?

Hey, I don't know nothing about BoJack.

How do you not know about BoJack? I am very famous.

- Time's up. - [groans]

[sighs]

Hey, if you really want to know about all that stuff, come by here real late.

There's an after-hours party. But that's all I can say.

I'm not gonna spill any more beans.

Say you got BoJack with you. That'll get you in. Okay, that's it.

Is Wilbur coming today?

Wilbur's not real. He was a character on a TV show you were on.

- Oh. Are my kids coming today? - Um...

- No. - Hey there, fella.

Can't wait for you to see Secretariat, think you're gonna love it.

Hey, old pal. Hope you remember how to vote.

We have to go to this Whale World party.

I know I should go, I'm invested in figuring out who's trying to frame me for murder.

Are you sure you wanna go with me? Outside of work hours?

I wouldn't want to be unprofessional.

Sorry about what I said.

I was embarrassed by the person I was when I was staying with you.

I'm trying not to be that person.

I make you unhappy? Is that what you're saying?

It's not about being happy. That's the thing.

I'm just trying to get through each day.

I can't keep asking myself, "Am I happy?"

It just makes me more miserable.

Can I get a photo with the star?

- Of course. - Oh, thank you.

I don't know if I believe in it, real lasting happiness.

All those perky, well-adjusted people you see in movies and TV shows?

- I don't think they exist. - No one's happy all the time.

- You have to focus on the small things. - Right.

- Like winning an Oscar. - Right.

Hey, old pal. Look at this guy, still alive.

Hope your voting finger works.

- What happened out here? - You told us to get rid of the clothes.

Oh, we got rid of 'em, all right. They're never coming back.

[cackling]

You two are impossible. Why did you even call me here?

Because you're Princess Carolyn, you can fix anything.

That's true. But you can't start a fire on your lawn.

There's a drought and-- There's a drought.

You, thoughtful husband that you are, got rid of your lawn, and replaced it with drought-resistant landscaping.

This could work. I got to make a few phone calls.

Aw, thanks. You're the best.

I tell you, I've got half a mind to go over and give it to that skunk for starting this whole darn thing.

No. You go inside to your spot and stay there while I fix this.

- Yeah, but-- Right, but, um... - Stay. Stay.

- Stay. - [whimpers]

- [dance music playing] - Oh, my God.

Ugh.

- I, uh... - Living the nightlife.

Hashtag feeling good about myself and my choices.

Aah!

Hey, look.

Let's definitely follow that guy.

- Ladies first. - What a gentleman.

Ohh.

- Whoa. - Ooh.

Ohh. Oh, my God.

[phone] I'm Terry Gross and this is your ring tone.

I'm here with--

BoJack kills?

Something tells me that's not a reference to your old stand-up act.

Was that necessary?

- What do you want? - I'm with BoJack.

Yeah? Let me see.

- See what? - Let me see some BoJack.

- [sighs] Fine. - [music plays on phone]

Wicka-wicka-wicka-- ♪ Now, boys and girls ♪

♪ If you wanna do the BoJack Take your hands-- ♪

- Oh, shit. You're BoJack! - Thank you. Finally.

- From the logo. - Huh?

[gasps] BoJack, you didn't kill Nadia. BoJack did.

- What? - [Diane grunts]

Nighty-night.

Wakey, wakey.

- [groaning] - So, you got a little curious, huh?

Thought you'd go sticking your little nose where it doesn't belong?

What's the play here? Trying to get a cut of my smack biz?

What? No, Goober.

- You know my real name. - I actually seriously don't.

[groans]

We just wanted to know why everyone was talking about how BoJack kills?

Why would you implicate me in your drug business?

Wait, I get what happened.

You resented me all these years. My fame, your obscurity.

You made me the face of this drug, because to you my face is a symbol for the opiate of show business.

- No, man. You played The Horse. - Huh?

- Horse is a nickname for heroin. - What?

- BoJack. Horse. Heroin. - Uh-huh. Uh...

Oh-- Oh, okay. Yeah, right.

- Police! - Oh, God, not again.

Gotcha! Richie Osborne, you're under arrest.

- Oh, right, Reggie. - Richie.

- That's what I said. I said Rickie. - [groans]

Thank God. How did you find us?

Your Twitter account is hooked up to your phone's location services.

We've been tracking you through your tweets all night.

Actually, I've been tracking you all night.

Lindsay, I said "we". Do you need credit for everything?

- I would like credit for something. - [sarcastic yowl]

What do we know?

Nadia was not murdered. She died of a heroin overdose.

No one tried to frame me. All right, back in the Oscar race.

Look out, Jurj Clooners.

But something's still fishy about this whole mess,

- and it's not just the killer whales. - Whales are mammals, Diane.

- I said it's not the whales. - You said it's not just the whales.

There's more to this story. What are we missing?

Cuddlywhiskers. What was Nadia doing in his backyard in the first place?

What was this "system"? And where is he now?

Why was it so important to Jill to get that letter back?

Oh, yeah, the letter. This mystery has too many things.

I say we go back to the house and finally get to the bottom of what's what.

Oh, this is turning into a real caper.

A real Jill Pill jail fail killer whale caper.

[BoJack] You're doing 50 in a 35. [Diane] Oh, God, you're right.

I feel so alive.

[groans] This letter is really graphic.

It's all about their magical nights up at the Ojai property.

Ojai property?

She wrote out the sounds. What is a "sploink"?

Did you know Cuddlywhiskers had an Ojai property?

Sure. He always loved to disappear up there.

After our show got canceled, he went there for six months.

It's funny, at the time no one knew where he was and we got really worried.

Anyway, wonder where he went this time.

Oh, you know what?

- I don't see him. Do you? - Huh.

- I'm Terry Gross and this your ring tone. - Shit.

Mr. Peanutbutter.

- Diane, where the hell are you? - Ojai.

Oh, hi? You've been gone all night, all you have to say is "Oh, hi?"

I'm so sorry. BoJack and I were trying to find a killer and--

Oh, you're with BoJack still? Well, that explains it. Of course.

Mr. Peanutbutter, I understand and affirm your feeling--

I'm glad you're safe. I was worried about you.

- What I'm hearing you say is you were-- - No, stop.

You have to call me. It doesn't matter what's happening, doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night.

You can't keep doing this to me.

I'm sorry. I'm coming home.

I'm going back to bed. We'll talk about this in the morning.

[groans]

- Everything okay? - No.

- Sorry. - It's not your fault.

It's my fault.

- [gasps] - BoJack?

Mmm.

After The BoJack Horseman Show fell apart, I got depressed a long time.

Sure, I wrote a bunch of hit movies, I made a ton of money, but it wasn't fulfilling.

I remember when I won my Oscar, standing up on that stage, looking at the statue and thought,

"This is supposed to be the happiest moment of my life."

And I never felt more miserable.

- Oh. Because you're sober? - Because an Oscar is meaningless.

It's all meaningless. I dedicated myself to helping others.

I turned my home into a halfway house for troubled addicts.

I had this system for recovery, and it helped a lot of them, but even more slipped through the cracks.

That, too, left me empty.

Everyone was worried about you, you know.

You can't just disappear. You really hurt a lot of people.

Sometimes you need to take responsibility for your own happiness.

You don't think that's a little selfish?

I don't know what to tell you. I'm happy, for the first time in my life.

I'm not gonna feel bad about it.

It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, even longer to see it doesn't have to be that way.

Only after you give up everything can you begin to find a way to be happy.

Can you believe that guy? What a nut, right?

I just wanna go home.

♪ Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show ♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪ - ♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack ♪

Boxer vs. Raptor, ♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na! ♪