Home > BoJack Horseman

Stop the Presses

[groaning]

[mumbling]

[gagging]

-[voices overlapping] -[groaning]

Guys, I think we could use another phone jack over here.

[phone ringing]

Cabracadabra. We wanna reach out and grab you.

-No, we're a cab company. -Can you toss me the thing?

[grunting]

-Sorry. The other thing. -[Todd] Okay. Watch the couch.

Hey. Goddammit!

-[yelling] -I apologize for... I understand.

Mind if I put you on hold one second?

Don't put me on hold. Do you know who I am?

I just won a Baby's Choice Award, the winner of which has gone to take home the Oscar seven of the last 15 years.

So, yeah, that BoJack Horseman.

Otherwise known as the guy you keep sending your dumb newspaper to even though I never subscribed to it.

I'm putting you on hold.

-[muttering] -[buzzing]

-We have a situation, sir. -Talk to me.

{\an8}Guy's name is BoJack Horseman. He's pretty steamed.

{\an8}I've tried everything, but we might need to bring the Closer in on this one.

Calm down. We can sort this out without having to get the Closer involved.

Did you offer 26 weeks at 50 percent off the newsstand price?

I went through the entire checklist, sir. Even offered him a free tote bag.

What kind of monster says no to a tote bag? Good work, rep.

You've done all that could be expected of you. I'll take it from here.

Yeah, Got it. Right. I understand. I'll take it from here.

God help us...

Is what I'd say if we needed God's help. Fortunately, we got one better.

Morning. Good morning. How was your weekend? How are you?

Good work yesterday. Get out of my way, please.

[sighing]

We have a situation on line two. Name's Horseman. BoJack Horseman.

Thank you. I'll take it from here.

Hello, good morning, and I say this with 100 percent sincerity...

How can I help you?

[funky electronic music]

♪♪

{\an8}I never subscribed to the L.A. Gazette. I do not read the L.A. Gazette.

{\an8}I have called this number so many times to stop sending it to me.

{\an8}Yet every morning, I open my door on a new edition of the L.A. Gazette.

{\an8}It's like I'm in a boring episode of The Twilight Zone.

{\an8}Sir, we are going to unravel this mystery.

{\an8}But before we dig in, is there anything I can get you?

{\an8}A glass of ice water perhaps?

{\an8}Yeah, sure, I'd love a glass of ice water.

{\an8}Fabulous. Johnny will get that to you in three, two, one...

{\an8}-[drone whirring] -Uh... huh.

{\an8}I see you've been receiving our paper for six months,

{\an8}but there's no record of you ever registering a complaint.

{\an8}From whence the hostility, counselor?

{\an8}It wasn't a problem until recently, because up until a week ago

{\an8}the boy who lives with me used the paper to make a giant paper-mâché Todd head.

{\an8}-What was that? -I live with my best friend, Todd.

{\an8}Good kid, but sometimes he gets ideas to do things.

[groaning, screaming]

{\an8}-Pretty scary, right? -Yes. What the hell is that?

{\an8}Giant Todd Head, of course.

{\an8}I've been working on him for the last six months.

{\an8}What? Why?

{\an8}It all started when a rustling from the kitchen

{\an8}jostled me from tender slumber.

{\an8}-[blinds rattling] -[panting]

Uh...

What was that?

[gasping]

If there's a ghost present, please do not scream or have a skull face or be wearing a tattered white satin gown.

[gasping]

Someone or something is stealing our food.

I made a giant papier-mâché Todd head to scare it away. Think it'll work?

If I made a giant papier-mâché me head, would you stop eating my food?

You should take this seriously. We might have an infestation.

We do have an infestation, of Todds. Look at that, they're getting bigger.

And? Did the head help to ameliorate your pest peccadillo?

No. Todd abandoned the project as soon as he started working on Cabracadabra.

-What's Cabracadabra? -That's what I said.

-What's Cabracadabra? -That's what I said.

-What's Cabracadabra? -That's what we want you to say.

If I didn't know any better, you were about to pitch an idea.

-We are about to pitch you an idea. -I did not know better.

Has this ever happened to you? Hey, where you headed?

Oh, yes. That happens to me all the time.

-We're not at the main part yet. -I'm so sorry. Please continue.

-To the opera, good sir. -Okay.

Am I watching to see if the whole thing has happened to me?

-Or looking for one specific thing? -Kind of both.

So I just keep watching until I see something that has happened to me?

-Yes. -What if we get to the end, none of it has ever happened to me?

Maybe just try to put yourself in Emily's shoes right now.

Got it. Sorry for the interruption. Please continue.

-So, is this where you live? -Yes, it is.

-Alone or are you in a relationship? -This hardly seems appropriate.

Driver, you're starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

Yeah, Todd. What are you doing?

Has a creepy driver ever given you his number or told you that you reminded him of his dead girlfriend?

Or repeated your address slowly, like he was trying to memorize it?

-No, never. -Unfortunately, if you are a woman all those things would happen to you every day.

That's right, Todd. According to my own research, nine out of ten men are total dirtbag creeps, just the worst.

But what if there was a ride-share service that could guarantee no creepy men drivers because there are no men drivers at all?

What are you saying, robot drivers?

What if they become sentient and try to murder us, or unionize?

That could be a real headache.

No, not murderous robots. Women.

Todd, you have done it again.

Actually, Emily and I came up with it together.

Todd and Emily, you've done it again for the first time.

And that's why we're setting up shop at your house.

Why does it have to be my house?

There's no room at Mr. Peanutbutter's house.

It's full of spaghetti strainers.

-Why? -Who can recall?

I figure the longer they're there, the bigger the payoff.

And they've been sitting there for months now.

So you can bet the payoff's going to be pretty huge.

[The Closer] So, why did you let them use your house?

Hey, Todd, where do you want this...?

[both] Uh...

[BoJack] I felt guilty. [The Closer] About what?

[BoJack] Todd had this old girlfriend. I met her a couple weeks back.

-Hey. -Hey.

-What are you still doing up? -I got thirsty.

Then you came to the right place.

Should we call Todd, see if he wants to join us?

I'm tired of trying to figure out what Todd wants.

And what do you want?

-I'll start with a whiskey. -My kind of girl.

-So then we had sex. -What? Why?

I was lonely? She was there? Why does anyone have sex with anyone?

Intimacy, affection, a deep need to connect to the world at large.

The same reasons three million people subscribe to the L.A. Gazette.

-What? -I'm getting ahead of myself.

Please, continue your story.

[exhaling]

-You should go. -Yeah.

That was a mistake.

Agreed. A wonderful, sexy mistake for you and a regular mistake for me.

No, it was a regular mistake for me, too.

-What are we gonna tell Todd? -Nothing, obviously.

-I don't want to hurt him. -Neither do I.

-That's why we won't tell him. -I feel like we should tell him.

That feeling is you selfishly trying to assuage your guilt.

If you cared about Todd, you would keep this a secret forever.

I'm not good at lying.

Ask me if when I was a little girl, did I ever used to put a stuffed animal in my underpants and rock back and forth on it.

When you were a little girl, did you ever do that thing you said?

What? Get-- [stammers] No!

I think it's gonna be fine. Why would it even come up?

Not like there's any reason the three of us would ever be in a room together again.

BoJack, you remember Emily, right?

-I've never seen you before in my life. -No.

-You don't remember BoJack? -Oh, yeah. BoJack.

What... why... What are you here? Why are you doing at Todd's house?

Todd's house? This is my house.

It's cool if we set up shop here, right? That's not gonna be weird?

What? Why would that be weird?

-What are you implying? -Nothing.

It's not weird for me either, if we're keeping track of weirdnesses.

-Okay, what is going on here? -Why would you? I don't even--

-Literally nothing going on. -No, something's going on.

I've got a nose for news.

In this case, Nu is the Greek letter representing the variable for "What Is Going On?"

So let's solve for Nu, shall we?

I think someone's not saying something to someone else about something.

-That's crazy. -I know what it is.

Cabracadabra's going to be huge.

No one wants to say it out loud because we're afraid we'll jinx it.

Yeah. That is exactly what it is.

Yes. Your stupid business is gonna be very successful.

-Yes. -Glad that's out in the open.

We all know what everyone was thinking, we don't need to ask any more questions or do any wondering about mysteries.

Nope.

If you'll excuse me, I need to go watch a sport.

Great idea.

The worst part is things have actually been going really well with Todd.

Our friendship is in a really good place.

Last week he said,

"Did you know the wiener dog is neither a wiener nor a dog?"

Instead of saying, "Shut up, Todd," I said, "Okay."

[The Closer] So, why did you sleep with Emily?

Do you think that part of you was getting uncomfortable with that closeness?

You felt like you didn't deserve Todd's friendship

and you wanted to somehow externalize that feeling into action?

No, man, I think I'm just a dumb asshole. Can't it just be that?

When you do bad things, you have something you can point to when people eventually leave you.

It's not you, you tell yourself, it's that bad thing you did.

Do you often keep people at arm's length?

Are you afraid of being known and knowing others?

Yeah, you know, I think that you're definitely hitting on something real that I would love to drill down into, but I gotta go to this marketing meeting now.

Which is so annoying because I totally want to keep talking about that thing you're talking about.

But marketing meetings, right?

I mean, they're so important. Can I call you back tomorrow?

-Of course. -Great. Bye.

-So, how was your marketing meeting? -Weird.

-Sorry I'm late. -It's fine. We're just getting started.

I had the worst morning.

Hanging on every word. Don't tell us.

So I drove here, right?

I'm sitting at the entrance to the garage when I realize I don't have my key card.

I gotta drive all the way home to get it.

When I got there, I couldn't find it anywhere.

Suddenly, I remember: I put it in the glove compartment.

It was in my car the entire time.

Okay.

Because I was driving back and forth so much, I ran out of gas.

I pulled into a 76.

I was about to pump the gas, I realized I didn't have my credit card, when I remembered it was on my desk at home because I used it to contribute to my friend's dumb Kickstarter campaign.

Diane...

Have you donated to Virginia's dumb Kickstarter yet?

-Oh, shit. -Throw her 50 bucks. You can afford it.

Yeah, but I don't like feeling like I have to, Roxy.

Does the world need a stop-motion short film about a pig who goes to circus school?

Think of it like you're doing a nice thing for your friend.

Mmm... okay.

I called a cab to take me home to get my credit card.

Then back to the gas station, get my car, fill it up and come here.

So that's why I'm late.

-Why did you tell us that whole story? -I don't know.

-Why did you tell me that whole story? -I don't know.

Anyway, I had the ad agency whip up some options for the new Secretariat ads.

Good news is the movie is killing out there. Everyone loves it.

If everyone loves it, why do we need a new ad campaign?

These are the "For Your Consideration" ads.

They're a reminder to the Academy, "Have you considered this yet?"

The Academy doesn't always consider everything.

So they need constant consideration reminders.

-That's very considerate. -This one tested the best.

That's a good one. The rest of these suck.

Dumb. Dumb. Stupid. Offensive.

Ugly. Boring. Typical. Stupid.

Bad. Hideous. Disgusting. Gross. Cliché.

-I am really good at this. -Huh.

-I kind of like this one. -How'd that piece of crap get in there?

We ruled that one out.

It's actually really powerful.

[The Closer] What spoke to you about that particular ad?

[BoJack] I don't know.

All the pictures of me, they looked backwards.

When I looked at the mirror ad, I was seeing me as I see myself

and I thought there was something beautiful about that.

Intimate, almost.

Of course you like this ad. When you look at it you see Secretariat, I see an old turtle.

"Hello, old turtle. Are you Secretariat? No? You're just some old turtle?

-What the hell? You've aged terribly." -But you've got the heart of a champion.

I got a team of cardiologists at Cedars who say different.

Isn't that the point of the movie, that anybody could be Secretariat?

The point of the movie is to make a lot of money and win awards.

If anyone who looks at this ad is Secretariat, why should you win the Oscar?

He's right, BoJack. Why don't you leave this to the experts, okay?

-Yes. You're a star. -[moaning]

[The Closer] So, you also had sex with your publicist?

[BoJack] Yeah, couple times. We have a very complicated relationship.

It's complicated.

If our relationship was a Meryl Streep movie, it would be Doubt.

Don't forget, you have Ellen tomorrow.

Don't wear that sweater I hate.

Yes. You're in charge.

Okay, you know, I gotta say I don't feel like I'm in charge.

If you're gonna throw a tantrum, forget the whole thing.

I'm not throwing a tantrum-- Why are we having sex in my car?

-Can we at least go back to your place? -No, BoJack.

I don't know where you live.

You control every part of my life, I don't know anything about you.

[scoffs]

-You don't want to know me, BoJack. -No, I do.

-I want to be known and know others. -You don't.

I know you and I know what you want. This is exactly what you want.

[The Closer] What do you think she meant by that?

Better question: Why am I still getting the L.A. Gazette?

Do you think getting the paper every day is a reminder of Todd's papier-mâché head?

The project he abandoned to make time for the old girlfriend

you spent an intimate night with?

Could that be why you want to cancel your subscription?

No. I want to cancel my subscription because newspapers are dumb.

I feel I'm very clear on this point.

Every morning, someone knocks on my door and says,

"Throw away this garbage for me."

So you don't feel any guilt about your tryst with Emily?

Well, I have had trouble sleeping.

[Emily and Todd laughing]

[Todd] You're silly. [Emily] No, you're silly.

Oh, God.

-Okay, your turn, truth or dare. -Truth.

What is the worst recent thing you did to someone who cared about you?

-The worst thing? Or the most recent? -Both.

Can you keep it down, please? Some people are trying to sleep.

-We are keeping it down. -We've been really quiet.

-You're basically shouting. -Sorry.

-Do you want me to whisper? Like this? -Yeah, we can be real whispery.

No, because then I'll hear the "psst, psst, psst."

And I'll be up all night wondering what you're talking about.

-Uh, what would we be talking about? -Yeah, BoJack.

What would we be talking about?

I don't know. Dumb stuff.

Forget it. Can't sleep here. I'm gonna go sleep in my boat.

[sighing]

-Freeze, candy ass. -[gasping]

-Character Actress Margo Mart--? -I said, "Freeze."

[The Closer] Hold on. Are you telling me esteemed character actress

and fugitive from the law Margo Martindale has been living in your boat?

Is this one of those situations where everything we discuss is confidential, due to customer service rep-client privilege?

Of course.

Then yes, Margo Martindale is living in my boat.

-How long have you been in here? -Well, after the incident in Yorba Linda.

[yelling]

-[moaning] -Eh...

Well, Margo, old gal, looks like you've bought yourself another day of freedom.

But at what cost?

I knew I had to lay low. Go off the grid, disappear.

I know what "lay low" means.

So, I disappeared for a little bit.

Mm-hmm.

Somewhere I knew I had no chance of being discovered--

regional theater.

I did a run at the La Jolla Playhouse in an obscure Tennessee Williams play.

I have ambition, sir.

Dreams that don't incorporate the concerns of cynics like you.

Cynic. Always laughing that terrible laugh.

-Ramona... -Well, go ahead and laugh.

Laugh your life away. I can laugh, too.

[laughing]

Ramona, I'm telling you...

[wailing]

She's dead.

[applause]

I was good. Too good.

The San Diego Union-Tribune called me, "A talent to watch."

I knew I had to get out of there.

And you've been living here ever since?

That's right. I also did an arc on The Good Wife.

-Other than that, laying low. -The Good Wife?

How did you go on a nationally broadcast TV show with no one catching you?

I disappeared into the role, BoJack. It's called acting. Try it sometime.

And you're the one who's been stealing our food.

You already know too much.

Smoke bomb. Hi-yah!

-Why did you throw a plum on the floor? -Thought it was a smoke bomb.

Where are my smoke bombs?

I'm gonna go sleep by the pool.

-Hey. BoJack's back. -Yup.

My two favorite people in a room together with me.

-You bet. -Isn't this great, BoJack?

-The three of us under one roof? -Yeah.

It's like Three Men and a Baby.

But there's only two men, and the baby's a lady.

-[laughing] -Uh-huh.

[yawning]

[chattering]

[sighing]

[The Closer] With all this turmoil and upheaval, sure would be nice to have something you can depend on.

Something that arrives every day at your doorstep, with a robust arts section.

Let me tell you something about the L.A. Gazette.

I don't think you finished the story about your publicist.

What happened when you told her you wanted to know her?

Oh, right. Well...

If we're gonna work together and also have weird kinky car sex,

I wanna know something about you.

What do you wanna know?

I was married once. I have a son I'm not allowed to see.

-My favorite fruit is honeydew. -Gross, is that true?

Does it matter?

Listen, I've been with guys like you before, and I know this thing works better if we keep a little distance.

And... [grunting]

-[groaning] Well, that worked. -Okay, we're done. I'll see you tomorrow.

[The Closer] So, that's how you left things?

[BoJack] That's how she left things. But then I followed her home.

[The Closer] You did what?

[BoJack] She lives in this tiny apartment in the Valley.

I could see her through the window and I just watched her being... normal.

Oh! [sighing]

[The Closer] There's something very intimate

about watching a person be herself.

[BoJack] But it wasn't good intimate, like when you see your mom cry.

It was bad intimate,

like when your dad writes a poem about Lena Horne's nipples,

makes you read it out loud so he can hear if it scans.

[The Closer] She warned you that you wouldn't want to know her.

[BoJack] Yeah. She was right.

It's so sad that when you see someone as they really are, it ruins them.

-Do you have someone you can talk to? -About what?

These feelings you have, your self-destructive behavior.

You know that old joke about how many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The answer is just one, but the light bulb has to want to change?

-I don't know that joke. -That's it. That's the whole joke.

The light bulb has to want to change.

[laughing] Yeah. Psychiatrists are idiots.

That's actually not the point of the joke.

-Hey. I need to talk to you. -What the... I'm on the phone.

I got nominated for the Craig Noel Award from the San Diego Theatre Critics Circle.

Oh, it's too much heat.

I'm taking your boat out to international waters.

You never saw me.

On the phone.

I don't want to talk to anybody.

What I want is to have control over my own life.

[engine starting]

Which is why I'm begging you to please cancel my delivery of the L.A. Gazette.

-I don't think you want to do that. -I promise you I do.

No, because that's just theater.

It allows you to think you're in control, but the whole idea of control is a myth.

The universe is a wild beast.

You can't tame it. All you can do is try to live inside it.

Live inside the beast? That's a mixed metaphor.

-But... you're right. -Great.

I'm going to sign you up for another six months.

Since you've been such a sport, I'm throwing in a tote bag.

Thanks. You've given me a lot to think about.

Okay, so I'm a passenger.

Remember the three D's: drive safely, drive efficiently, and don't harass the passenger.

-Todd, can I talk to you for a second? -Sure. Driver, pull over, please.

-[imitating car braking] -[imitating opening door]

-Can I talk to you alone? -Of course.

Driver, put up the partition, please.

[imitating partition whirring]

I've been thinking, and you should do this without me.

What? But the whole point is we're doing it together.

But you don't need me anymore.

You have a whole team of coders, and I don't think that I can work in this house.

-What's wrong with the house? -Todd, I just--

-I need to go. -[imitating opening door]

I don't understand.

Did I do something to make you feel uncomfortable?

No. You are great. It's me and... BoJack.

BoJack? [sighing] What did he do this time?

I don't think I've been a very good friend to you.

Things happened and...

I don't think BoJack's been a very good friend to you either.

-Oh, okay. -You should buy me out of the company.

No, no, no, keep your share.

Who knows? It might be worth something someday.

You're sweet, Todd.

You shouldn't waste that on people who don't deserve it.

Hey, you want this plum? I found it in the kitchen.

Sure.

-[smoke bomb fizzing] -[both] Whoa!

[coughing]

Weird plum.

[knocking on door]

How did you know where I live?

-Ana... -You need to leave.

No, I know that it's exciting to remain mysterious and in control, but control is a myth.

That's a conclusion I came to recently by myself.

I can't do this now.

I don't want to go home tonight. I want to sleep in your bed,

I wanna see what you look like waking up.

You are a beautiful, sexy, fascinating, terrifying woman.

And I want to know you. I'm not afraid of that.

And you don't have to be, either.

Okay.

And I want to go with the mirror ads for Secretariat.

-BoJack, no, listen. -Ana.

This is my campaign, I know what I'm doing.

Call up Turteltaub and tell him I won't be pushed around on this.

I'm the star and what I say goes.

Okay.

[cars honking]

[Ana] Hmm...

[Carolyn] It kind of just looks like a billboard for the sky.

-I didn't think this part through. -No kidding.

The sky is Secretariat? The sky wants you to nominate it for an Oscar?

It is eerily beautiful.

Like an art piece that resists interpretation.

Oh, good. Yeah. Wouldn't want the ad for my movie to be interpretable.

If you stand where I'm standing, you see a reflection of the KIIS-FM billboard.

Beautiful. So we spent half a million dollars on an Oscar campaign for KIIS-FM.

I'd hate to drive here at rush hour.

When the sun goes down and hits that billboard, that's gonna-- That's gonna be a real problem.

Well, the good news is BoJack got what he wanted.

-[sighing] -[bird screeching]

[all gasping]

Ugh.

♪ Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show ♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪ - ♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack ♪

Boxer vs. Raptor, ♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na! ♪