Home > BoJack Horseman

The Old Sugarman Place

[galloping]

[cellphone ringing]

[notification chime]

["A Horse With No Name" playing]

♪ On the first part of the journey ♪

♪ I was looking at all the life ♪

♪ There were plants and birds And rocks and things ♪

♪ There was sand and hills and rings ♪

♪ The first thing I met Was a fly with a buzz ♪

♪ And the sky with no clouds ♪

♪ The heat was hot And the ground was dry ♪

♪ But the air was full of sound ♪

♪ I've been through the desert On a horse with no name ♪

[notification chime]

♪ It felt good to be out of the rain ♪

♪ In the desert You can't remember your name ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't no one For to give you no pain ♪

♪ La la la-la-la la ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la ♪

♪ La-la la la-la-la la ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la ♪

♪ After two days in the desert sun ♪

♪ My skin began to turn red ♪

♪ After three days in the desert fun ♪

♪ I was looking at a riverbed ♪

♪ And the story it told Of a river that flowed ♪

♪ Made me sad to think it was dead ♪

♪ You see, I've been through the desert On a horse with no name ♪

♪ It felt good to be out of the rain ♪

♪ In the desert You can't remember your name ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't no one For to give you no pain ♪

♪ La la la-la-la la ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la ♪

♪ La-la la la-la-la la ♪

♪ La-la-la la-la ♪

{\an8}[theme music playing]

♪ Oh, the beautiful gals of '44 ♪

♪ Fill my head when I'm off to war ♪

-[big band jazz playing] -[laughing]

{\an8}-[knock at door] -Oh!

{\an8}[sniffing]

All right, Beatrice, you got a good whiff.

Now step away from your father's breakfast

{\an8}before he catches you a-sniffin' and gives you a spankin'.

{\an8}-[door opens] -Yes, Mother.

{\an8}Well, the photographer's here. Where is Crackerjack?

He was aware that we're posing for a family photo portrait.

I've got to ankle back to Indianapolis.

If the government is rationing sugar, can't you ration work?

It is summer, after all.

Oh, that would be a dream, but who else but I will make sure the numbers add up and compliment my secretary on her tight sweaters?

We do appreciate the sacrifices you make, Joseph.

[laughter]

{\an8}Then after a long day of killing Nazis

{\an8}we'll sit in a beer garden and enjoy a pint.

All right, Crackerjack, time's a-tickin'.

{\an8}We need to take this portrait before you and I both take a powder.

Sally, why don't you get yourself some freezy pops,

-and keep the change. -[chuckles]

{\an8}Aww, I want a freezy pop.

{\an8}Oh, Beatrice, you know iced cream is for boys.

You can sprinkle some sugar on a lemon. That's a good healthy girl snack.

Oh, all right.

Crackerjack, you look so handsome in your soldier suit, like a young Clark Gerbil.

-[humming] -[playing melody]

{\an8}Not now, you two.

{\an8}Oh, we'll be as quick as a pour of warm molasses.

-♪ I will always think of you ♪ -♪ I will always ♪

{\an8}-♪ Drink a brew, I'll see your face... ♪ -Come now, be serious.

{\an8}♪ When each day is through ♪

{\an8}-♪ And days go past ♪ -♪ Oh, so fast ♪

{\an8}[together] ♪ But memories, they last ♪

{\an8}[laughing]

{\an8}All right. Believe it or not, time's arrow neither stands still nor reverses.

{\an8}It merely marches forward.

Oh, really? Time's arrow marches?

I didn't know arrows had legs. "Look at me, I'm a marchin' arrow."

[laughter]

{\an8}Honey Sugarman, how did such a sweet face end up with such a smart mouth?

{\an8}I don't know, but I've got half a mind

{\an8}-to kiss you with that smart mouth. -Well, that half you can keep.

Oh! I almost forgot.

Say, if it isn't my old baby blanket, Blinky.

I thought you could take it with you.

Mama, I don't need no Blinky blankie to fight ninny Nazis.

-Bea, will you hold on to it for me? -[gasps]

-Me? -That's right.

I'll fight better if I know Blinky's safe with you.

-[kisses] -Ohh.

All right, folks, this is for posterity, so don't forget to look far away sad.

[flashbulb pops]

[moaning]

[sighs, mutters]

-[squeaking] -[gasps]

[grunts]

-Hey, I'm Tamara, that's Tamera. -[gasps]

-Hey. -I don't need any help, thanks.

-Are you... -Ryan Gosling? No.

-I get that all the time, it's-- -No, BoJack Horseman.

-No, sorry. -See? That guy's way too fat to be BoJack.

-I'm not too fat to be BoJack. -Yeah, BoJack is much fatter, right?

-No, BoJack is not fatter. -So you're fatter?

-No! We are both equally not fat. -Right.

You know who looks like BoJack Horseman? Phil the stock boy.

-[braying] -Yeah, I see it.

Are you kidding me? He looks nothing like me...

Meester Horseman.

So you were with Sarah Lynn when she died, right?

-No. -TMZ said you took her to the hospital.

-And you held her hand. -Did you cry?

-I'm not-- -Did she totally poop her pants?

I heard people poop their pants when they die.

-Listen to me-- -God, is that true?

Because I just read Romeo and Juliet and that totally changes things.

-[faucet squeaks] -[plumbing rattles]

[laughs] All right! Ow!

[groans] No!

[grunting]

Ohhh!

[grunting]

[glass shattering]

[growling]

Hey, Not BoJack, did you hear they're making a miniseries about Sarah Lynn?

-BoJack is being played by Paul Giamatti. -What?!

Why would you get Paul Giamatti to play me... meaty roles like that one?

Hey, buddy, is any of that to fix the door?

-What do you care? -I don't.

And if it were up to me, that old house would've been torn down years ago.

It's a blight on the neighborhood.

And that broken door is the cherry on the top of the shit sandwich.

What kind of a sandwich has cherries on top?

A shitty one. How about fixing your door instead of my metaphor?

Ow! [grunts]

[sighs and groans]

[grunting]

Oh, darling, don't lift that. You'll rupture your uterus.

I'm sad to leave the summer house.

Well, it'll always be here, just like polio and blackface.

Hey, we got a saying in Michigan:

"Put your damn door back on or you're gonna freeze to death, you stupid horse!"

-Hey, what's your name? -Eddie.

Eddie, why don't you mind your goddamn business?

[shuddering]

Tell me, doc, is she gonna be okay?

I know it's here somewhere.

Darling, we've been over this. He doesn't need his blanket.

-[doctor] Nothing we could do. -I need to find it.

-He should've had it. -[Giamatti] She's dead?

He's gone, honey.

Even Blinky couldn't have stopped that Nazi's bullet.

Oh, Joseph, I failed him.

Oh, Doc, I let her down.

[doctor] This was bound to happen. That's just show business.

-That's just war, honey. -[sobbing]

Here it is, Mother.

I put it in the closet for safekeeping.

-I never should have let him go. -Honey, no.

If anyone's to blame, it's the Jews for peeving off Hitler so bad.

[Giamatti] ♪ Three little orphans One, two, three ♪

♪ Without a home or a family tree-- ♪

[ringing]

♪ We were lost Now we're found ♪

♪ And we're... ♪ [crying] Oh, God!

[sobbing]

Come on, let's head home.

It's only ghosts here in the winter.

-[sighs] -[Giamatti sobbing]

[rustling, hammering]

What? Wait.

[rattling]

Hey, did you fix my door?

That is a dick move, buddy!

[grunting]

What are you-- are you insane?

-[hammering] -What the...?

Hey! Stop fixing my door, asshole!

[grunting] Why did you fix this so good?

If you keep breaking it, I'm gonna break you.

Well, call me a Kit Kat bar because I'm already broken.

Kit Kats aren't already broken. That's the whole point.

What the hell?

-[whirring] -Do you even know how to... anything?

I plastered this wall, didn't I? Uh... oh... oh, oh...

[scoffs] I believe something got plastered.

The problem is I can't get the right supplies because the girls at the hardware store are so annoying.

Heh! You're telling me! Tamera and Tamara are the worst.

Yeah. "Hey, Tamara, how about you get some manners ta-day?"

[sighs] Let me get my toolkit.

Yeah, fine, you can help, a little.

If it means so much to you, I will let you help me.

Oh.

How come you don't go away for winter like everyone else?

-I don't fly. -Okay.

-So, like, in an airplane, then? -I don't fly.

You don't have to fly the plane.

They got this new thing now, it's called being a passenger.

I have to ask, are you...

-BoJack Horseman? No. -What? Who's BoJack Horseman?

Who's BoJack Horseman? He's a very famous TV and film star.

Or he was, yeah, before he gave it all up for a life of quiet anonymity.

Where is he? Nobody knows.

Perhaps a small town just like this one.

Perhaps he's even... in this very room.

But he's not, 'cause I'm not BoJack Horseman.

Okay.

What I was going to ask was if you were related to Joseph Sugarman, or if you were just squattin' in his house?

My grandfather. I used to come here in the summers when I was a kid.

Hasn't got much use in the last 25 years, except for the termites.

Get on out of here, Bobby and Susan! I saw you gnawin'!

Yeah, well, there isn't any more of us.

I'm the last of my line.

Once my mother dies and I die that'll be it, which is probably for the best.

No more of you? [chuckles]

-That'll be great. -Oh, thank you.

That was the reaction I was going for.

[sander scraping]

I guess that's it.

Have a nice life, Hambone.

-Why'd you call me Hambone? -You told me that's your name:

Hambone Fake-name-ington.

Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

This is the first summer we'll spend here without him.

Yes, I suppose that's true.

But, as they say, time's arrow marches forward.

You hear that, honey? Time's arrow marches.

[song melody, slowly]

[sobbing, sighs]

Ohh...

Well, I'd love to stay, but I must be going.

As a modern American man

I am woefully unprepared to manage a woman's emotions.

I was never taught, and I will not learn.

Take care, you two.

[panting]

[tires screeching]

-[sobbing] -[playing different melody]

Huh.

Look at this.

Yes, you have a very attractive mother.

What? No. Why would I--? Forget that.

-Look at that weather vane. -Ah.

The house isn't finished yet.

We can't stop till we find that weather vane.

Ooh! I know where this is.

Oh. Uh, all right.

[Eddie] Oh, lordy.

[chuckling]

A bit more... is that it?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

-Oh. -[Eddie chuckling]

-Hey, there it is! -Oh, hey! You can't be in here!

Why'd you say you can't fly? Who's that other person you're clearly in love with?

I never said I can't fly, I said I don't fly.

If you want help with that weather vane you'll clam up, Hambone!

Fine. Keep your stupid secret about your clearly dead wife and your probably-related dumb fear of flying. See if I care.

["Stars & Stripes Forever" playing]

-[fireworks popping] -[Beatrice gasps and coos]

What are those fireworks for, Mother?

Those are because the war is over.

We've dropped bombs on Japan and now everyone is happy.

-Shouldn't we be celebrating? -Yes. Yes!

Let's paint the town scarlet, crimson, and ruby!

Why, I've got half a mind to paint things redder than the banks of Normandy!

Ha ha! What? Too soon?

The Crab Brothers who run this place are total scavengers.

If it can be pinched, they'll pilfer it.

Ooh! It's still there!

I'll make a distraction at the piano, you climb up, get the weather vane.

Oh, of course, the twelve hundred... [muffled muttering] pound horse will shimmy up a drain pipe to get it, that makes more sense than the dragonfly, who has the word "fly" in the name of what he is.

Okay, all right, so you've gone now. You walked away, while I make my point.

-Mother, can I get a freezy pop? -Sure, darling.

-You can have whatever you want. -Attention, everyone!

I'm gonna play a song now, so look at me!

Do not look up at the roof of that barn!

[grunts] Idiot.

[playing melody]

♪ I will always think of you ♪

♪ I see your face When each day's through ♪

♪ And days go past ♪

♪ Oh, so fast ♪

[together] ♪ But memories, they last ♪

Huh.

-♪ Summer, winter, year by year ♪ -♪ Year by year ♪

♪ I'll hear this song Inside my ear ♪

-♪ Try to restart ♪ -♪ That'd be smart ♪

[together] ♪ But thoughts of you Haunt my heart ♪

-♪ No, I don't want to be alone now ♪ -♪ Oooh ♪

-♪ Oooh ♪ -♪ Just biding my time ♪

♪ I need somebody dearly ♪

♪ And darling, you'd be sublime ♪

[Honey] ♪ Spring and autumn, up and down ♪

[Eddie] ♪ Up and down ♪

-♪ I keep trying to escape this town ♪ -♪ And I just might ♪

♪ I'll take flight ♪

[together] ♪ Maybe tomorrow, not tonight ♪

[light applause]

-Mother? -Oh!

-[big band music playing] -[gasps]

[gulping] Ahh!

Sal! Oh, Sally!

-Oh! Mrs. Sugarman. -What happened when he got shot?

Was it quick? Did he suffer?

-Hey, Eddie, come on. Eddie, let's go! -[sobbing]

-Hey! That's not yours! -Yeah! We stole that fair and square.

-Mrs. S. -Please, please tell me.

Please.

Mrs. Sugarman, control yourself.

-[sobbing] -[BoJack] Aaah!

-Hey, gimme that! -[Honey wailing]

-Please! -Mother?

Why did everybody stop, huh? What's the gag?

I want to dance. I want to fly!

[sobbing]

Listen, you're sloshed and making a scene.

Do the responsible thing: have one more drink to steady your nerves and then drive yourself and your young daughter home.

Don't make me go back to that quiet house, please.

-Mother, let's go. -Eddie, let's go!

-Are you all right? -It's okay. I'm okay.

My hands are doing the wiggly doozle in three-four time, but--

Say, I got a swell idea. Why don't you drive?

But I don't know how.

Why, it's only as easy as finding a hobo in a barrel of beans.

It'll be grand. Everything will be just grand.

-[BoJack laughing] -[Eddie] Whoo!

-[shouting] -Get back here!

Aaah! [gasps]

-Jeepers! -[sobbing]

Yeah! We're hooligans!

Faster. I want to feel alive again.

I'd do anything to feel alive.

-[screaming] -[metal crunching]

[Eddie laughing]

I gotta say, you really knew how to handle those salad tongs for someone who appears to have never eaten a salad.

Yeah? Well, you got a nice set of pipes.

You're like a Josh Groban who doesn't also think he's funny.

[grunts]

Okay, now, the house is absolutely, totally finished.

Wow.

I wish I could somehow pay you back for all your help.

Don't sweat it.

Hey, Eddie.

-Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa! -[crashing]

-Ow! [groans] -What are you doing?

What the hell'd you do that for?

I don't know, I thought you would fly to save me and by making you fly I would, in a sense, be saving you!

How many times do I have to tell you? I don't fly!

You're flying right now, asshole!

[gasps, groans]

-Why'd you make me do that? -[groans] You're welcome.

I haven't flown since Lorraine died, and now you ruined it.

Okay. Obviously, this was not the preferred outcome for either of us.

You want to fly? All right, let's fly. [grunts]

-Oh, shit. No, I'm fine, actually. -You want to go higher?

You want to see how high we can go?

Clearly, this is a sore subject. I was wrong to bring it up. Let's go back down.

The night Lorraine died she wanted to go back, but I wanted to see how high we could go.

Whoa! Plane! Look out!

You want to know how Lorraine felt when she got sucked into that engine?

-We're all just tiny bugs, right? -[groaning]

Aaaah!

[panting]

Oh, God. No, no, come on.

-Come on. -[coughing]

Are you insane?!

I don't want to live!

Why did you save me? [sobbing]

I don't want to live!

[crying]

What were you thinking, hoofing around the dance floor like a motorized freckle?

-Did you snap your cap? -You mustn't despise me, darling.

-Please. -That's before mentioning poor Beatrice.

You aiming to get her killed as well? She's all we got.

Oh, don't be cross with Mother!

I don't know what's wrong with me.

How am I supposed to sell sugar and keep my secretary's self-esteem afloat when you're having honest-to-goodness fits of hysteria?

-Don't yell, Father. -I just can't anymore.

I can't stop thinking about him.

I can't be with people and I can't be alone.

I don't know how to be better, Joseph.

-Please fix me. I want to be better. -[door opens]

[panting]

-[phone beeps] -[line ringing]

[muffled gasp]

BoJack? Where are you? Are you okay?

[panting] I don't know. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. Talk to me. What's going on?

[BoJack] It's Michigan, and it's beautiful here,

-and everything sucks. -Michigan?

-BoJack, come home. -I can't.

I don't belong there, I don't belong anywhere.

But that's the thing, everybody belongs in Los Angeles.

-There's, like, no barrier for entry. -Oh, God, that's true. [sighs]

They do let in just anybody.

I was at a coffee shop yesterday, I heard a guy trying to impress someone by soft-pitching a web series he crowdfunded.

Let me guess: the web series is about how funny he and his friends are,

-just, like, hanging out. -He described it as HBO's Girls

-but, like, from a guy's perspective. -What?!

And he's just giving this away for free in a coffee shop?

Somebody get this guy an overall!

Well, the important thing is that barista's definitely going to have sex with him later.

[chuckling]

I've missed you, Diane.

I've missed you, too.

Mmm. [slurping]

-Is Mother okay? -She is now.

She just let her womanly emotions get the better of her, that's all.

Nothing a little operation couldn't fix.

Operation?

What's broken in the heart can never be repaired, but the brain, well, we have all sorts of science for the brain.

She's a brand new woman now, and she'd like to meet you very much.

[note plays]

-Mother? -Oh, hello.

It's Beatrice.

Yes, that's right. What a pretty girl.

-What did they do to you? [sobs] -Oh, hush.

It's okay. I'm better now.

I don't understand.

Love does things to a person, terrible things.

[sniffles, sighs]

Beatrice, promise me you'll never love anyone

-as much as I loved Crackerjack. -I promise. I won't.

Why, I have half a mind...

[truck advancing, beeping]

Keep going, keep going, keep going. There we go, big boy.

Hey, what's going on out here?

Probably should have warned you, when these guys tear the house down it might make some noise.

Tear the house down?!

Uh, yeah. You think I just want to mope around in a shrine to the past, getting off on my own guilt while the rest of my life passes me by?

Pathetic, much?

But we spent the last eight months restoring this place.

Yeah, and then you tried to kill me.

That's usually a series wrap on a friendship.

-What is a series wrap? -Are you serious?

Oh, my God, what am I doing in this backwash of a town?

Do you even get Showtime here?

-So what was all this for? -I don't know.

Guess it was just a big waste of time.

But you can't change the past. Time's arrow marches on, right?

I don't believe this.

Well, as a great woman once said, suck a dick, dumbshit. [grunts]

-Where are you going? -Home.

[glass shatters]

-[smashing, clattering] -♪ Back in the '90s ♪

-♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪ -[wood smashing, truck beeping]

-♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪ -♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

-[clattering] -♪ It's been so long ♪

-♪ I don't think I'm gonna last ♪ -[wood and glass clattering]

♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪

-[crunching and clattering] -♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack ♪

Boxer versus Raptor. ♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na! ♪