Home > BoJack Horseman

Stupid Piece of Sh*t

[BoJack] Piece of shit. Stupid piece of shit.

You're a real stupid piece of shit. But I know I'm a piece of shit.

That makes me better than all the pieces of shit

who don't know they're pieces of shit.

Or is it worse? Breakfast.

Oh, I don't deserve breakfast. Shut up.

Don't feel sorry for yourself. Get breakfast, you stupid fat-ass.

These are cookies. This is not breakfast.

You are eating cookies. Stop it.

Stop eating cookies, go make yourself breakfast.

Stop it. Don't eat one more cookie.

Put that down. Do not eat that cookie.

-[crunching] -I can't believe you ate that cookie.

-Hey, BoJack, we need milk. -For the baby.

-For the what? -Where is the baby? I saw...

-Can I borrow your car? -What baby?

I don't know. Tina's gonna make breakfast.

She needs milk. Can I take the car or what?

[thinking] Shit. I don't want her driving my car,

getting her grubby hands all over.

She's not grubby, she's your daughter, you piece of garbage.

You're a piece of garbage, a real shitty piece of garbage.

Uh...

Think, idiot. If she takes the car, you're trapped here with Mom

and her spooky lazy eyes.

If you get the milk and leave Hollyhock with Mom,

she could tell things about you,

poison your daughter against you, that what you want?

Okay, how about, um... Hold on.

[thinking] They're looking. Say something!

Open your idiot dumb mouth!

I will get milk.

[door opens, closes]

[thinking] Milk, milk. What are they talking about now?

Probably you and what a dumb piece of trash you are, you fat sack of idiot.

Why not do the world a favor and swerve into oncoming traffic?

No, you don't deserve to die young, only the greats die young.

Oh, now you think you're young all of a sudden?

One drink.

Whoa. Is it night suddenly?

Suddenly sundown.

Suddenly "Sooze-town."

What was that show? "Suddenly Sooze-town?"

Brooke Shields... something?

Show was on for five years and now nobody-- Oh, my God, is that life?

You're there, you do your thing, and then people forget.

"Forget it, Jake. It's Sooze-town."

Is that me? Am I the Suddenly Sooze-town of people?

Shit.

-[groans] -[door closes]

Oh, shit. You gotta drive. Sober up, buddy.

Here we go, sober... now!

Sober, now!

Come on, you drunk piece of shit, be less drunk.

Now! Okay.

[alarm blaring]

[screeching]

Idiot. What'd you do all day? Piece of shit.

That's a day you'll never get back. What was that? You're a real piece of--

-Where have you been? -Uh...

Did you get the milk?

Uh...

{\an8}[theme music playing]

[thinking] Stupid piece of shit.

Oh, God. [groaning]

If you're looking for the milk Tina ended up getting,

Tina is using it to make us all breakfast.

[growls]

Well, it's about time someone pulls their weight around here.

Henrietta, you should make a healthy breakfast.

{\an8}-Okay, that's enough from you. -For the baby.

{\an8}No one loves a Fatty Patty.

{\an8}-[groans] -[Bea] Uh-oh.

[thinking] Is my house on a slant or something?

{\an8}-[Bea] This wall needs to be painted. -I'm gonna go.

You don't want to stick around, eat breakfast together?

Great pitch, love your energy. It's a pass.

{\an8}[thinking] What are you doing? Go home.

{\an8}You're parked on Mulholland doing nothing, you could be eating breakfast

{\an8}with your long-lost daughter and dying mother.

{\an8}You are a terrible person.

{\an8}-[horn honking] -Use the shoulder, asshole!

He gets it.

[laughs] I know, I wanted to tell you right away.

-Right this way. -Oh, I gotta go. See you tonight.

If it isn't my favorite client, Courtney Portnoy, and also another client, Todd.

It's always nice to be included in a sentence someone says.

So bad news first: Ms. Taken was a miserable failure.

-Princess Carolyn-- -But Courtney, more importantly, audiences are going to adore your tour de force performance as the forceful denim-clad court reporter in The Court Reporter Sported Jorts, the jet-setting jort-sporting court reporter story.

Yes, the film is spectacularly romantic and well-titled, but I need a change in representation.

No! Courtney! Before you fire me--

I'm not gonna fire you. Heavens, no! I fired my agents.

Oh, good. Yeah, agents are replaceable.

A manager is forever. That's the takeaway here.

I think you'll fall in love with my new agent.

-Love her already. Who is she? -He.

Yes, he, he, ha, ha. [chuckles]

-Now tell me her name. -Rutabaga Rabitowitz.

Oh, fish.

{\an8}We got a nice bounce off of Court's engagement.

{\an8}"Court" is what I'm calling Courtney for wordplay-related reasons

{\an8}that'll become apparent at the end of this sentence, but that bounce has lost its pounce, and if we want to keep this name in the news, we're going to need a full-court press.

{\an8}So what do you do after an engagement?

{\an8}D-d-d-doy! Wedding of the century.

{\an8}Whoa!

{\an8}We're talking floral arrangements. We're talking procession of elephants.

{\an8}We're talking Jaden Smith in a Clockwork Orange costume, reading a poem he wrote...

Does that poem rhyme? No! What are you, crazy? Of course it doesn't.

{\an8}And, uh-oh, was someone looking for Sebastian Janikowski,

{\an8}because here's the kicker--

{\an8}we do the whole thing the weekend before the movie drops. Bam!

{\an8}-Weekend before the movie drops? -Boom!

{\an8}-That's this weekend. -Ka-zow!

{\an8}-Four days from today. -Ooh.

Today? That's today!

Which is why it's so perfect. No notice is the new notice.

{\an8}This wedding is so fancy we don't care if you have other plans.

-Total status move. -You're right.

Being engaged is one thing, but I'm not sure I want to actually get married.

{\an8}We can draw up a standard Hollywoo sham-marriage contract:

{\an8}-three years, non-exclusive, huge payday. -Oh.

And I presume you'll be arranging everything.

As Courtney's agent I'm happy to help, but I believe traditionally it's the bride's manager who plans the wedding.

[groans] Okay.

[thinking] Idiot. Stupid animal. Oaf.

[Bea] You are just the prettiest thing.

-Yes, you are. -Who are you talking to?

Keep it down, oaf. You'll make the baby cry.

-Baby? -Yes, you are.

She kept asking where the baby was, so I had Tina get her this doll.

-She's totes into it. -Mom is "totes" into a baby?

Is it possible the baby got dipped in brandy at some point?

Or cigarettes, or regressive ideas about immigrants?

-I think she just wanted a baby. -Coochie-coochie-coo...

You shouldn't indulge her delusions. It's not right.

But she seemed really down. And you're never around anymore.

It was getting depressing to look at her.

That's why I made her this pillowcase.

You just put this over her head and everything is fine.

-[groans] -[Bea] Dark in here.

-[growls] -Hello?

So they're airing an F.H.B.A. Miami marathon this weekend.

Does anyone want to come over?

Oh, I actually have a big announcement.

I'm marrying Courtney Portnoy this weekend.

-Wow! Great, Todd. Good for you. -That's amazing.

I know it's pretty wild for an asexual to get married, but...

Not really. John and I are aces and we're married.

-Really? -Yeah.

Our wedding was nautical-themed.

Why nautical? Is that, like, an asexual thing?

No, man. We just really like boats.

Asexual just means you're not interested in sex.

Some asexuals are also a-romantic, but others have relationships like anyone else.

But involving boats?

I feel like you're getting really hung up on the boats thing.

So, it's not weird for an ace to get married?

No, if you found someone who really accepts you for who you are, go for it.

I will! I mean, I am. I mean, am I?

♪ Beautiful eggs of '44 ♪

♪ For my baby, want some more ♪

Mmm! Beatrice, this coffee is amazing.

[groans]

[thinking] You stupid garbage fire. Everything sucks.

BoJack, did you see what your mother is doing?

Isn't it incredible?

Yeah, making breakfast at three in the afternoon. So with it.

Isn't this baby well-behaved? Hardly ever cries.

Probably because you're such a good mother, Beatrice.

Don't say that.

I was very nervous to have a baby in the house, but it turns out, all it needed is a mother's love.

Oh, when you grow up, you can be anything you want to be.

[thinking] Lousy baby. What did it ever do that was so great?

Am I jealous of a doll?

Maybe if that doll wasn't so smug, looking at me with its creepy doll eyes...

She's tricking you, Hollyhock.

-This is not what she's really like. -Who cares?

Whatever beef you have with your mom, that's just a sweet confused old lady.

-[thinking] She's right. -Wrong. She's in there.

-She knows exactly what she's doing. -You are so paranoid.

Please stop fighting. All this shouting is bad for the baby.

Where was that keen parenting insight 50 years ago?

[gasps] Henrietta, you're unfit to be a parent.

-I'm unfit? -[thinking] It's true, jackass.

You think it's so hard to be a parent to a doll? I could do that.

Hey, look, I'm cradling the baby. Hope I don't drop it!

[gasps]

Oh, no! I dropped it, but it's not crying.

Guess it's okay. I'm an amazing parent.

What if I left it in its room all day and didn't feed it or change it?

Oh, that's okay, too. I must be mother of the year!

-BoJack. -I know! What if for 18 years straight

I just tell it how worthless it is every day, how it embarrasses me, how my life would be better if it was never born?

Would that be a good idea? Probably, right?

Give me the baby back, you worthless waste of my husband's jism!

-Oh, so you do know who I am. -Govern yourself, Henrietta.

Hey, you think the baby would be okay if I threw it over the side of my deck?

-Probably, right? -[Bea gasps]

BoJack, don't.

[thinking] Do it.

Nah, I'm just kidding around. Here you go, Mom.

Oh, no! My hands are so slippery!

Oh, no! Oh, oh, oh!

No!

[thinking] Nice arm.

-[sobbing] -Why did you do that?

-[growling] -You goddamn piece of shit idiot asshole.

This is what you do. This is what you always do.

This is why Mom loves Doll more than you. She's right. Doll never hurt anybody.

Doll wouldn't throw you over the side of a mountain.

Gotta make things right. Gotta get Doll back.

Okay, one drink. And then, Doll back.

You screw-up. You're making your daughter hate you.

Which is good, because look what happens when people love you.

Look at Penny. And Herb. And Sarah Lynn.

It's because you made them love you, BoJack.

You gotta fix this, dummy. How can you fix this?

Princess Carolyn? She hates your guts.

Todd? No. Diane? Yes! Oh, good.

Good old responsible Diane, she'll know what to do.

Oh... aah...

-[groaning] -Oh.

"California can't wait."

Am I Ace of Base right now?

Because all that I want is another one of these babies.

BoJack Horseman?

What is this, a will.i.am-style celebrity endorsement video?

-Where's Diane? -Oh, she's on the roof.

Boy, will she be surprised to see you. Diane!

[thinking] What are you doing?

No, not like this. She doesn't know I'm here.

First time she sees me can't be drunk asking for help.

-What's wrong? You need help? -Idiot.

You gotta get me outta here. Where did I park?

-Um... -Beep. Beep, beep?

You shouldn't be driving right now.

Why don't I make like Eddie Money and take you home tonight?

No, I can't go home. Not without Doll.

Also, Eddie Money doesn't do the taking home in "Take Me Home Tonight," so if you're taking me home, then I would be Eddie Money.

Okay, something's going on with you.

-It's not like you to be so testy. -Yes, it is.

Everyone, take the rest of the day off.

My pal BoJack needs a friend day. California can wait!

Elton, you have to play this wedding.

We want one of those Stranger Things kids to be the ring-bearer.

They're still little?

You're gonna do a duet with a hologram of Nat King Cole.

Or, if that's cost-prohibitive, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes.

Puberty? Can we give them something for that?

-Great. -Fabulous.

We are killing this.

We are doing to this wedding what Rob Durst did to that lady

-and what Fred Durst did to his career. -[door opens]

I have terrible news. It's Meryl Streep.

-[both gasp] -Did Meryl Streep die?

No, she's retiring.

Mr. McGregor!

You cannot just walk into a room and say, "I have terrible news about Meryl Streep."

Her retirement party is scheduled for this Saturday.

All of Hollywoo will be attending.

This Saturday? No, no, no!

How is #TortneyChortnoy supposed to compete with that?

We're toast.

Unless, uh, we could somehow get Meryl to postpone her party?

Hmm... what if we put together a project so enticing she couldn't help but climb aboard?

-One more gig... -Means no more retirement.

But what could we possibly offer her that she hasn't already done?

-Ah. What does every actor want to do? -Direct.

-Direct! -Yeah.

But the dream of any director is to work with Meryl Streep.

You think Meryl wants to direct a bunch of actors who aren't Meryl Streep?

-Hah! What a nightmare! -Okay, all right. Okay, fine.

But, okay, okay, and this...

What if all the actors in the movie were Meryl Streep?

-What? No! -Are you suggesting some sort of

Nutty Professor II: The Klumps type situation where Meryl Streep plays every role?

Bingo-bongo, weirdo-beardo. All the greats have done it.

Peter Sellers, Sir Alec Guinness, Flo from the Progressive ads.

Let's take this to the Streep.

Hey, look. Maybe this is a baby?

-Mmm. -[door opens]

-Welcome... -Hey, hey!

...to the nightmare, non-sexy version of Three's Company that my life has become.

Oh, good. Instead of getting the doll back, like you said you would, you disappeared for a few hours and found a friend.

For your information, we are on the case.

Just need a whiff of your mom to track the scent.

Uh, excuse me, young lady, I'm looking for a Beatrice, but you're way too young and attractive to be that mean old crone.

-What? -What are you doing?

[sniffing] Okay, I'm picking up on some fruity overtones.

Oak, desert sage... [chuckles] No, I'm just kidding around.

It's smelling humor.

Is this the best time to be workshopping your tight five?

[sniffing] Okay, got it. Ooh, this way?

[sniffing] No! No, no. That way!

-[glasses clattering] -[sniffing]

Out the door! Come on! Here we go!

-[groans] -[door opens, shuts]

[sniffing]

[thinking] Look at him. Not a care in the world. How does he do it?

[sniffs] This is the place.

[doorbell rings]

-Oh, hi, I'm-- -BoJack Horseman.

-Felicity Huffman? -Looking for this?

-Yes! -Well, keep looking, buddy!

You're a real piece of shit, you know that?

Yes.

[grunting]

So, instead of talking through your issues, your new thing is to just get in really big fights and then have hot angry sex?

-Yeah, but it kind of works. -Does it?

I'm sorry, I feel like we always talk about me.

What's going on with you, Roxie?

-I'm actually glad you asked, I... -[grunts] Okay.

Hey, Diane, can I get your advice on something?

-Yeah, of course. I'm not doing anything. -Um...

So, I have this friend, and his name is Darnarius McQuimberton.

Oh, yeah, I think I read an article about him in Real, Not Made-Up, Person Magazine.

Darnarius is supposed to get married this weekend.

And it's going to be an amazing wedding, but it's kind of based on a lie.

Should he go through with it?

Well, all weddings are lies, right? Sort of.

You're making this big declaration about how you're gonna stay with this person forever, but you don't actually know that.

You're just saying it. The whole thing is a farce.

-Yeah, that's true. -But it's a lie based on truth.

Like, at the center of the farce there's this nugget of something real and pure.

And that strange beautiful something is why you put up with everything else, right?

I guess so.

And sometimes it's hard to remember that pure, shining thing because it's been painted over with so many arguments and compromises and disappointments.

But you have to believe it's still down there somewhere, even if you can't see it.

And maybe even the belief in it is more important than the thing itself, but only as long as you still believe it.

-Does that make sense? -Yeah. Thanks, Diane.

You've given me and Darquimbertus McNarington a lot to think about.

That was good advice. I'm, like, a really good friend.

[groans]

[doorbell rings]

-What? -Okay.

So that doll actually belongs to my mom. She's very sick, very frail.

And I know you're really mad at me because...

Think, shit-for-brains, think. Why is Felicity Huffman mad at you?

You cut her off in traffic, got her fired off a project,

talked shit about her at an AIDS benefit and didn't realize your mic was on.

I have been living directly under your house for the last 15 years.

Do you have any idea how much shit you throw over the side of your deck?

Beer bottles, lit cigarettes, scripts where the lead is female.

One time, a mountain of regurgitated cotton candy sat on that hill for a month before sliding into my hot tub.

Who you think has to deal with that?

I assume your maid or gardener or something?

Well, yeah. But it's still super-obnoxious.

You're not getting that doll back.

Citizens, citizens.

As the future governor of California,

I pride myself on probably being able to reach compromises across the ideological spectrum.

-Oh! What if we cut the baby in half? -What?

-Why would we do that? -No.

So you both agree that's a bad idea.

Perhaps you're not so different after all?

-Advantage: Peanutbutter. -How is that...?

Felicity Huffman, you are a beloved star of film and television.

BoJack, you have also appeared in film and television.

What's that like? Discuss.

I'm sorry for my acquaintance. I'm actually a big fan.

[thinking] I hope she has no follow-up questions.

Really? So you've probably seen my new show,

-F.H.B.A. Los Angeles. -[thinking] What?

-Yup, love it. -How'd you like to do an arc for sweeps?

[thinking] Ugh, TV? No. I just got out of that sinkhole.

He'll do it, if you give us our doll back.

Hup... ho... hup!

[Princess Carolyn] What's your status?

I have breached Compound Streep.

If I don't make it out of this alive, just know I have already seen heaven and it is Meryl's rose garden.

-And the offer? -I put it under a big box that's propped up by a stick.

If she goes to look and the box falls on her, she's contractually obligated to do the movie.

Yeah, I know what "packaging talent" means.

Okay, she's walking up to the box.

She's sniffing around, and...

-[box slides, woman screams] -We got Meryl!

All right! Yes!

[thinking] What if I throw myself off my deck

into Felicity Huffman's backyard.

If she found my dead body, that'd show her.

Why are we at a bar?

We're just celebrating getting Doll back.

You don't want to bring the doll back to your mom?

I will. We're just having a drink first.

-Relax. -Okay.

[thinking] He knows you're terrible.

He's the biggest idiot in the world, even he knows you're terrible.

So when did you get a daughter? She's new, right?

-Or was she always part of the gang? -I met her about a month ago.

-Whoa! -Yeah. And it was great, at first.

But now I can feel her getting attached, and I just know I'm gonna BoJack things up.

"BoJack things up?"

You mean, show up somewhere and be the life of the party?

Then share a laugh with your good friend, Mr. Peanutbutter?

No, obviously I meant screw everything up until she hates me.

I don't think I can take that.

Maybe this time, don't do the thing that makes her hate you.

I don't want to, but every time she looks at me with those big innocent eyes, all I can think about is every shitty thing I've ever done, and I think, "I don't deserve that kind of love."

Look, BoJack, I don't know a lot about balancing a state budget

-or how a bill becomes a law. -Uh...

I don't know a lot about a lot of things.

But I do know this: everybody deserves to be loved.

[clinking]

So we put together an all-star wedding and a Meryl Streep movie in one day!

-You got to admit, we're a good team. -Rutabaga...

I know it wasn't always smooth sailing for the Good Ship You and Me, but now you've got a boyfriend and I've got a family, and since we have to work together again, we're a good team.

Tell me you didn't miss this.

-Todd is on line two. -Aaah! Do you go through the walls?

Todd! Have you finished your groomsmen list?

We gotta figure out how many parachutes we need.

Uh, guys, I-- I can't marry Courtney.

-What? -No!

I've been doing some thinking, and marriage is like a Tootsie Pop.

The lollipop part is a lie,

but at the center of the lie there's a truth.

That's the Tootsie Roll, and that's why people get married.

But if I married Courtney it would be a lie without any truth in it, like a Tootsie Pop with just the lollipop part and nothing in the middle.

So, a lollipop? That's still pretty good.

[Todd] I guess it's a bad analogy.

But I don't want a fake marriage.

I'm sorry I didn't realize that before.

[sighs] Okay, Todd. You gotta do what's right for you.

Thanks, Princess Carolyn. Whoa--

[groans]

All right, blue sky time. Wedding's off. Can we spin this somehow?

Courtney got jilted, play the sympathy card?

I guess we could put out a statement.

That's your solution?

What happened to the guy from this morning with all the big ideas?

Oh, that guy dies at six. This guy's gotta get home.

I got seven kids and a wife who's really into me co-parenting, or, as she calls it, "parenting."

Well, can't you tuck the kids into bed, read them some script coverage of the film adaptation of Good Night Moon and then come back?

-This is important. -Well, my kids are important.

Fine, both things are equally important.

Oh, my God, thank God you're not a mother.

You would be hilarious at it. [sips]

Hey, today was fun. I'll call you in the morning.

We'll figure this out. We'll deal with it.

-[door opens] -[sighs]

If you'd like to never see him again, I have ways of getting rid of him.

What kind of ways?

Asking him politely to not come back. Actually, that's only one way.

I apologize for misleading you about the number of ways.

He's a jerk, right? It's not just me?

I worked with guys like him at F.M.E.

When I left, I swore I would never work at a big agency again, because I can't work with people like that.

You don't think I'm like that?

No, because you care about people other than yourself.

And for what it's worth, you will be a wonderful mother.

-You're not just saying that? -I never just say anything.

I choose words very carefully, with an eye towards precision and expediency.

I'm surprised you haven't noticed that.

-Good night, Judah. -Mm-hmm.

[door closes]

[muffled grunts and yells]

Okay. [chuckles]

-It's about time, Henrietta. -You're welcome.

[growls]

[thinking] Go talk to her, idiot.

Drink first. No, you stupid alcoholic.

Talk to your daughter. You're ruining her. You know that, right?

No matter what, your poison is already in her.

There's nothing you can do. That's not true.

Yeah, it is, you stupid piece of shit.

You're a real stupid piece of shit, and everywhere you go you destroy people.

Your mother never loved you.

That's why Sarah Lynn died, Charlotte'll never forgive you.

What you gonna do to Hollyhock? What you gonna do, asshole? Shut up!

[exhales]

Got Doll back. No big deal.

Where do you go, when you disappear all day?

Just drive around. Sometimes I go to a bar.

Sometimes I pull over by the side of the road, just sit there for hours.

Why?

And you'd rather do that

-than spend time with me? -Hollyhock...

I know you didn't ask for this dorky 17-year-old to just show up at your door.

And I'm sorry if I'm annoying, but I didn't ask...

-No, Hollyhock, I'm glad you're here. -Oh.

If I'm shitty, that's just because I'm shitty.

You're allowed to be mad at me, but you need to know that whatever I do, it's not your fault.

I know. I mean, I know, but I don't always know, you know?

Like, sometimes I have this tiny voice in the back of my head that goes, like,

"Hey, everyone hates you! And they're not wrong to feel that way!"

I know what you mean.

That voice, the one that tells you you're worthless and stupid and ugly?

-Yeah? -It goes away, right?

It's just, like, a dumb teenage-girl thing, but then it goes away?

Yeah.

♪ Take my head and kick it in Break some bread for all my sins ♪

♪ Say a word, do it soon It's too quiet in this room ♪

♪ I need noise ♪

♪ I need the buzz of a sub ♪

♪ Need the crack of a whip Need some blood in the cut ♪

♪ I need noise ♪

♪ I need the buzz of a sub ♪

♪ Need the crack of a whip Need some blood in the cut ♪

♪ I need noise ♪

♪ I need the buzz of a sub ♪

♪ Need the crack of a whip Need some blood in the cut ♪

♪ I need noise ♪

♪ I need the buzz of a sub ♪

♪ Need the crack of a whip Need some blood in the cut ♪

♪ I need blood in the cut I need blood in the cut ♪

[man] Boxer vs. Raptor, ♪ Na-na na-na na-na na-na! ♪