Home > BoJack Horseman

The Judge

So I send in the form, and if my mom wants to meet me too,

-then we meet? -Yeah.

And if she doesn't want to meet me, then I get to feel that hot sting of rejection all over again.

What a fun adventure this all is.

You know what is fun? You coming with me to my first day on my new show.

"BoJack Horseman in F.H.B.A. Los Angeles, starring BoJack Horseman as 'the Judge.'"

What is F.H.B.A.?

I think it's one of those shows about Navy sex crimes that have gone cold?

And there may be numbers or something? Then, they call "the Judge."

I'm just excited to get out of the house.

I've been getting really fidgety cooped up on that hill.

Like I got tiny little bumps crawling around on the inside of my skin, you know?

Totally. Look at this guy, texting in the middle of the intersection.

You have been judged to be a shitty driver.

I'm the Judge. I sentence you to kiss my ass.

Boom!

You got "judged."

It feels good to be a dramatic actor again.

To make someone laugh is a craft, to be sure, but to make someone cry, on purpose, that is a precious gift.

Hey, I'm Miles, the production intern. Can I get you anything? Water?

That's so sweet of you.

Actually, that's so his job of him.

-Hey, PA, whose name I already forgot. -It's Miles, and I'm an intern.

Still not interested. Can you take my daughter to "video village"?

I wanna make sure she sees me at my most awesome, which is with a slightly high angle to avoid appearance of a double chin.

Note to director.

-Right this way. -Okay.

-[bell rings] -[assistant director] Quiet!

-[grunts] -Rolling!

{\an8}[announcer] Previously on F.H.B.A. Los Angeles...

{\an8}I may be a human rights lawyer, but those skanks are human wrongs.

I'll tell you the same thing I tell kids in the cancer ward.

{\an8}I'm not here to make friends.

{\an8}I'm here to win and/or cure cancer.

[announcer] Tonight, the girls return from Booty Boot Camp

{\an8}and face new judge, BoJack Horseman.

{\an8}Will BoJack turn the other cheek,

or is this the week the booties hit the floor?

{\an8}This is Felicity Huffman's Booty Academy: Los Angeles!

Um... what's all this then?

{\an8}[theme music playing]

[gavel raps]

On Booty Academy, we're here to find out who's got the right behind and who's going to be left behind.

BoJack, do you have anything you'd like to say to the contestants before we give our verdict?

No, I'm good.

Very well. Calliope, you are "ready for this jelly."

You can stay another week.

Tasha, our 'anaconda don't want none."

Cover up your bottom and go.

No!

Your booty's been adjudicated!

-[assistant director] Cut! -[bell rings]

This is bullshit!

-Callin' my manager! -Remind me what this show is?

{\an8}-I know, remind me? -[Tasha] ...my publicist!

{\an8}Felicity Huffman's Booty Academy.

It was supposed to be

Felicity Huffman's Future Leaders of America, but it got retooled a little by the network.

So are we judging who has the best booty?

{\an8}Whoa, BoJack, no. That is so degrading.

{\an8}So if it's not about their butts, then why is the other judge Sir Mix-A-Lot?

{\an8}Because I'm an honest and impartial judge.

And if there's one thing I'm famous for, it's that I cannot lie.

Yeah, I guess that would be the one thing.

Hey, can we go home now?

{\an8}Being around all these skinny L.A. ladies makes me feel like a blob.

{\an8}Well, I gotta shoot for, like, ten more hours.

Are you serious?

Apparently, it takes three hours to set up the "badonka-donka-dobstacle course."

{\an8}So making TV is like a full-time job? Then why is it so bad?

I just assumed people weren't trying.

{\an8}Uh, I don't mean to butt in here, but shouldn't your daughter be in school?

{\an8}Shouldn't you be "Sir Minding-Your-Own-Business-A-Lot"?

I graduated early and took a gap year.

My friend Maryssa is backpacking through Europe, but lucky me, I get to hang out in this butt-infested warehouse.

Oh. All right.

Someone better be checking the pH levels of that Jacuzzi because these bitches are basic.

Hey, you wanna explore the back lot?

They got a whole area that was built to look like downtown Toronto.

That's where they shoot the stuff set in New York.

Are you allowed to just leave the set?

What are they gonna do? Dock my pay?

I'm an intern. They don't pay me. I got all the power!

[laughing]

{\an8}Princess Carolyn, you are going to love Stilton Acres.

{\an8}We have a sauna and a tennis court and a giant hedge maze.

{\an8}And if you make it all the way through the maze, you get some sugar water.

And you're gonna love the Feast of Saint Squeaky.

It's the holiest of all mouse holidays.

We prepare a feast of Swiss--

Because it's the holiest of all cheeses?

Because it was all our ancestors could carry when they were trying to escape for their lives.

{\an8}Oh-- because it has holes!

{\an8}-That's very funny. -Thanks.

{\an8}I really want you and my parents to get along.

{\an8}They can be kind of a lot, especially around the holidays.

{\an8}I'm sure I'm going to love them.

{\an8}And they're gonna love me. I'm Princess Carolyn!

I'm sure they will too.

But let's wait until after they love you to tell them about, you know, Philbert.

{\an8}Of course. But what about her?

{\an8}Don't worry. She's on her phone.

{\an8}Unless Ralph and Princess Carolyn's secret baby starts to trend,

{\an8}she won't notice anything we do or say.

-Stefani? Stefani? -[phone clicking]

-[squishes] -Whoa.

Katrina! Just the person I wanted to talk to!

-How's hotel life? -Marvelous!

Room service, tiny ketchup bottles, handy list of cable channels.

Now I know why so many people like being homeless.

-Mr. Peanutbutter, that's not-- -On the phone, darling.

Well, I just found you the perfect new campaign headquarters.

I'm gonna sign the lease now, unless you think of a reason I shouldn't.

Nothing comes to mind.

Great! It's done. Now, what did you wanna talk to me about?

-I'm dropping out of the race. -What?!

Woodchuck's a better leader than I'll ever be.

This election is about bigger things than just you and Woodchuck.

What is it about then?

It's about hope, and freedom, and powerful lobbyists who pay me to elect a governor I can control so we can get legislation passed that allows them to build private prisons on what are now protected wetlands.

Well, hopefully those evil lobbyists can find some other puppet to do their bidding.

Why would you hope that?

I'm done running for governor, so you're fired.

No hard feelings, right?

You idiot. I will end you!

-Bye, Cruella! -[Katrina screams]

-[mother] Hello. -[father] Stefani!

-Hello. -Oh, darling, you're home.

-Nice to meet you. -Princess Carolyn!

-Hello. -I'm Poppy! This is my wife, Mimi.

And this is our son, Sissy.

And this is my wife, Missy.

And the boys, Tweeds, Nantucket, and Loophole!

Ugh.

It's so wonderful to meet you all!

-Can I get you a cocktail? -Oh. No, thank you.

-Wine? -That's all right.

I will consider it a personal affront if you won't at least have a beer.

-I shouldn't. -What about a very caffeinated coffee?

-No. -Raw shellfish?

-Not tonight. -Cigarette?

-I don't smoke. -That's okay.

You can just stand around me while I smoke.

No, I don't want to.

Cocaine, then?

I so appreciate that, and I hate to be rude, but I really don't think it's a good idea.

Would you like me to punch you in the belly real quick so you remember what it's like to be alive?

That's a rich person thing.

Oh, I know. I grew up around rich people.

But I'm actually good, as far as belly-punchings go.

Well, can I at least offer you a ride on our private rollercoaster?

Surely, there's no reason you wouldn't want to do that.

-So if you decline, I will be offended. -Oh.

Also, not that it's relevant, but the rollercoaster is specifically discouraged for children under five and pregnant women.

But since you are neither of those, obviously, there's no reason you will not want to ride on our family's really fun rollercoaster.

-Okay, look, the truth is-- -Hey, Dad!

Why don't you tell Princess Carolyn one of your great golf stories?

-Say, there's an idea. -Yes!

So here I am with a mashie when what I need is a niblick.

[all laughing]

Wow, golf. Fore! Am I right?

Yes, that's exactly right. Golf.

[camera shutters clicking]

Californians, this is an endorsement!

My message is simple.

If you want to vote Peanutbutter, vote Coodchuck-Berkowitz because a vote for Coodchuck-Berkowitz is a vote for Peanutbutter.

Uh--

Since Peanutbutter likes Coodchuck-Berkowitz.

So if you like Coodchuck-Berkowitz, vote like Mr. Peanutbutter...

-Excuse me-- -...for Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz.

So if we want to vote for Woodchuck, we should vote for you?

-No. -Yes.

-By voting for Woodchuck. -Thank you, Mr. Peanutbutter.

I look forward to moving past the political divisiveness of this campaign and finally focusing on the issues.

What's with the gorilla feet?

[sighs]

As I've explained before, my hands were crushed during the fracking incident.

There were no hand transplants readily available, but gorilla feet are somewhat hand-like.

So I am using them temporarily while my doctors find me more suitable replacements.

[laughs] They sure made a monkey out of you, huh?

-[reporters laugh] -They did no such thing.

Gorillas are apes.

I feel that went pretty well.

Yes, well, thank you for dropping out of the race.

Rest assured, under my stewardship, the state will be in good--

-You were gonna say "hands," weren't you? -Ugh.

So, what's next for us two amigos?

Mr. Peanutbutter, we don't need your help on the campaign.

We are running virtually unopposed. I think our team can handle it from here.

Wha-wha-wha-what?

The best way you can help us is to go back to your regular life and stay out of politics forever.

So this chapter of my life is over? Doggy, doggy. What now?

Coochy-coochy-coochy...

Hey, Mom. You got something in the mail.

Have I received any gentleman callers today?

I'm expecting a visit from Corbin Creamerman.

You know what? I'll check.

You could learn a thing or two from him, Henrietta!

Mm-hmm.

-Hey, where have you been? -I'll make coffee.

Oh, uh... well, Miles actually took me to check out UCLA.

He took me to a party, and I got to sleep in a dorm room, and...

Wow, look at the time. That's enough questioning of me, and where I've been, and what I've been doing. See ya later!

Hold up. Did you and that PA hook up last night?

BoJack! We didn't just hook up.

Miles is a really interesting soul,

-and I feel like we connected. -Oh, boy. Okay. Sit down.

Hollyhock, you are never gonna hear from that guy again.

Okay, actually, I am, because when I left his dorm he said he would, and I quote, "Definitely text me."

Oh, wow, I didn't realize.

Should we plan the wedding for you and teenage-boy-you-slept-with who-said-he-would-definitely-text-you"?

Very funny.

Believe me, I take no pleasure in telling you this,

-but that kid is never, ever, ever-- -[phone chimes]

-Ooh! BoJack-- -Hollyhock, it is very rude to interrupt.

Now, where was I?

Right. You'll never ever hear from this guy again.

-But, I-- -Ba-ba-ba!

In fact, if he texts you, I will do a hundred pushups.

That's how sure I am, since there is no possible way--

"Had a great time last night. Kilometers."

"Kilometers"?

It's an inside joke between me and Miles.

Not inside enough. I figured it out and it's dumb.

-[phone chimes] -He wants to take me to a party tonight.

-Shouldn't you be doing pushups? -[sighs]

Nope, can't. Impossible.

Anyone who says they did a pushup is lying.

-[phone chimes] -That him canceling? Classic move.

No, he wants to spend the day together.

Oh. Well, you wanna have breakfast first?

I got a box of crullers, of which one remains.

Nah, I'm good with this coffee.

I'll be home for dinner, though. Bye!

Okay.

Forty-six, 47...

-Ah! I could do this all day. -[groans]

-[horn honking] -[gasps, whimpers]

We have gathered in Todd's new apartment to discuss the future of PB Livin'.

You told me this was an intervention to get Todd to stop coming up with awful ideas.

That was a pretense to get you to show up.

-What? -It was Todd's idea.

What else you got, Todd?

Well, I got this one thing. I don't know. It might be pretty dumb.

-You bite your tongue. -Yes, bite it all the way off!

All your ideas are beyond terrible.

Well, in that case, I guess I must have "terrible" business instincts.

-You do! -Because I wanna hear it.

They say "the devil's in the details," so let's summon the devil!

Okay, so you know how hard it is

-to get your kids to go to the dentist? -I don't.

But what if dentists had a friendlier face?

Ooh!

What if you could take your kids to a dentist's office where all the dentists were clowns?

-What?! -Kids love clowns!

-Do kids love clowns? -Actually--

Don't they? Who else would clowns be for?

Because adults don't love clowns.

That is true. Adults find clowns creepy and off-putting.

So kids must love clowns, because otherwise, why would there be clowns?

That is sound logic. Okay.

I want these clown dentists laughing maniacally as they drill into the teeth of America's children, starting yesterday!

As someone who does have children, I have to say, a lot of kids are actually terrified of clowns!

Are they? Hm.

That would have been helpful information before I committed.

But my word is my bond and I already said yes, didn't I?

Okay, so do we find dentists and train them to be clowns, or do we get clowns and train them to be dentists?

Why don't we get clowns and dentists and they can train each other?

Oh, somebody call the police department, because you are on fire!

[groans] Aw, jeez.

[all chuckling]

And without missing a beat, I say,

"Well, when life gives you lemons, make an Arnold Palmer."

[all laughing]

It's been so wonderful getting to know you all these last few days.

We're so happy to have you. Now, let the festivities begin.

-Sissy, hand out those cat ears. -Cat ears?

-And this is for you. -I want those.

See, the feast is about remembering the ancient tale of a heroic mouse named Squeaky.

And we always start by wearing cat ears and singing the song of Squeaky's enemy, the cat tyrant, King Pusspuss.

Looks like Princess Carolyn won't need any cat ears to look evil.

-[family laughing] -[sighs]

[piano music playing]

♪ Look at me, I'm a dumb cat king ♪

♪ I'm an ugly, mean, fat thing ♪

♪ Innocent mice will feel my wrath ♪

♪ I'm a stinky cat Who never takes a bath ♪

Okay, that's actually a stereotype. Cats do take baths.

Darling, licking yourself does not qualify.

[family laughing]

-Aw, come on, it was funny. -[grunts]

♪ I'm positively evil I'm nasty and I'm smelly ♪

♪ So I'll take my sword And stab you in the belly ♪

[Poppy] Oh! Right in the cat gut!

Hooray!

Sorry, it gets a little graphic.

I really wish you'd told me your family's holiday was so anti-cat.

It's just an old story about one bad cat. It's not about every cat.

-Death to all cats! -Whoo-hoo!

-[Stefani] All right! -I forgot about that part.

It's kinda like church.

You say the words so many times, you forget what they mean.

Oh-hh...

-[yelps] Agh! -Hello, Hollyhock.

[clicks]

Oh, come on. Wait there. There's a spare bulb in the kitchen.

I've been sitting in that chair for five hours waiting to do this.

-[crashing] -Agh, damn it! Son-of-a--! What?

[huffing]

[clicks]

-Hello, Hollyhock. -What are you trying to do?

I'm trying to keep you out of trouble with a showman's flair for the dramatic.

I texted you I was gonna be home late.

You don't tell me when you're home late.

This is my house. You need to ask permission.

-What? You're not my dads. -I'm just looking out for you.

You spent four days with this kid, I'm worried--

There's nothing to worry about! We like each other.

Yeah, now. But come on, Hollyhock.

[stammers, sighs]

He's a teenage boy whose job is to be around hot women in skimpy outfits all day.

You think he's gonna want--

What?

No, I just mean that...

What, you think I'm not attractive enough for him?

Well, you're the one who said you were a blob.

-Do you think I'm a blob? -No.

What kind of person calls his own daughter a blob?

-You said "blob." -I said I "felt" like a blob.

Do you think I'm a blob?

I just-- [sighs]

I just think L.A. is a superficial town and you need to be careful.

Well, Miles likes me just the way I am.

And that's the kind of person that I want to spend my time with.

Hollyhock, wait. Wait. Wait!

I get it! It's my weight!

Yeah... I'm sorry about all that.

Why didn't you tell me they hate cats?

They don't hate cats.

Now I get why you didn't want to tell your family about the baby.

Okay, I was a little nervous. But they'll come around.

Besides, what am I supposed to do? They're my family.

-And what are me and Philbert? -[sighs] Oh...

Can't believe she's still pissed.

You shouldn't have called her a "blob."

I'm a blob too! We're both blobs!

How about just as a general rule, don't ever call a woman a blob?

Never! What if I meet a woman whose name is Barbara Lob?

And I call her "B" for short. "B. Lob."

Maybe instead of figuring out the woman blob workaround, you should just tell Hollyhock you're sorry.

I still think Miles is up to something.

Why is it so hard for you to believe someone could genuinely like your daughter?

Because she's like me!

Okay. Do you think maybe this could be more about you than it is about her?

Yes, obviously, I have a lot of work to do on myself. Everyone knows that.

But the important thing right now is how I can fix things with Hollyhock.

Try to stay on topic, Diane.

Well, an open conversation about your concerns with--

No, that's too Diane-y. She'd never buy it was coming from me.

Then why do you want my advice?

I got it. If I can somehow prove to her what a jerk Miles is, then she'll have to like me more by default.

That's the BoJack way.

BoJack, no--! Oh-- oh...

Ooh, that's... that's nice.

Goldie, how would you like to advance to the final round?

I would do anything, and I mean, anything.

-So I did it. I had sex with the PA. -You had sex with him?

That's what you wanted, right?

I just said "seduce" the PA.

Doesn't that mean have sex with him?

No, I just wanted you to, like, get him all hot and bothered.

-Eh...? -And ready to sleep with you.

Then once you get him on audiotape

-saying that he would sleep with you... -What?

...come up with some excuse to get out of there with virtue intact.

That's a lot of specifics you just assumed I would know.

Okay, well, the important thing is, we got him now.

Tell Miles what you told me.

-I had sex with the PA. -What PA?

I think his name was "Eggberg"?

-What? Not him? -That's the intern.

-You said "PA." -Did you think I was a PA? Nice!

Why'd you want her to sleep with me?

Not sleep with.

You told a contestant you would advance her to the final round if she slept with a PA?

I said "seduce." There is a distinction.

We make a show about empowering women and lifting them up, and you cheapen it with this coarse vulgarity.

I cannot lie. You disgust me.

This was all a big misunderstanding.

Cover up your bottom and go, BoJack.

You're not fit to judge anyone's character, or their booties.

So it is about judging booties.

[groans]

-Hey, BoJack. -Miles.

Don't want me dating your daughter, you could have told me.

I'm sorry.

Maybe we could've worked out some sort of deal.

What do you mean?

All right, so I got this screenplay, and I think it's a really fresh area.

It's about a production intern who wants to be a writer.

Oh, wow.

I think it could go somewhere if it got in front of the right person.

So if you have like an agent or a manager you could give it to, that would be awesome, and I would never talk to Hollyhock again.

I promise.

So you were right. He was a dirtbag.

Yeah. I was kinda hoping I was wrong for once.

If it makes you feel any better, you were wrong about all the other parts of this.

Diane, you are so bad at making people feel better.

Are you gonna tell Hollyhock?

She's a smart girl. She'll figure it out eventually.

But for now, if she believes someone can love her for who she really is, then why would I take that away from her?

BoJack, you gotta get one of these massages.

-Oh-hh! -Okay.

-[Mimi] Goodbye, darling. -[Sissy] It was good seeing you.

-It was so much fun seeing you both. -Thank you for hosting us.

It was so nice to get away for the week and learn all about your charming little traditions that didn't freak me out at all. Bye-bye!

Did our little city mouse have a nice time in the country?

Everything was wonderful.

And your little companion was darling-- for a week.

But I do hope the next one you bring home knows how to appreciate a good Feast of Saint Squeaky.

Well, for your information, there's not gonna be a "next one," because...

I love Princess Carolyn and we're having a baby and I couldn't be happier!

[Mimi] Oh, my God.

Oh, Mr. Peanutbutter, I am so relaxed.

I didn't realize how much tension I'd built up in my--

Oh, my God! Um...

Mr. Peanutbutter, why is our hotel room filled with dentist clowns?

Don't be ridiculous, Diane.

They're not all dentist clowns.

Half of them are clown dentists.

Just try to ignore them and go about your business.

-Okay. -So, this is the incisor.

Doc, if this is what's incisor,

I'd hate to see what's outsides 'er. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!

-Please try to focus, Dr. Boing-Boing. -[squirts]

Ugh!

[Tom Jumbo-Grumbo] With former rival Mr. Peanutbutter's support,

just yesterday, Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz

seemed to be unbeatable,

but as a new candidate enters the race, is Woodchuck also "unbeata-Biel"?

"UnbeataBiel"?

Randy, you wily son of a-- I've missed you, buddy! Bring it in!

"UnbeataBiel"? [gasps]

I'm tired of these politicians who are all talk.

California needs a leader who excels in both comedy and drama

and who is beautiful in an approachable girl-next-door way,

and who will get all the criminals off the street

while simultaneously finding a use for our wetlands.

That's why I'm running for governor.

A candidate you can Jessica-lieve in.

What the--?!

Let's do it together! I'm with me!

Oh-hh! Katrina.

-Gadzooks! -Not now, Professor Flim-Flam!

Of course, Katrina would latch onto Jessica as the beautiful face of her dangerous agenda.

Well, there's no way they could beat Woodchuck, right?

No? Because I almost beat him and I don't even know what a governor does.

That's true. Mr. Peanutbutter, you've got to help.

Woodchuck has no idea what he's up against.

You're right! But are we sure this is the right thing for us?

If I jump right back into politics, that's not gonna give me a lot of time to focus on our burgeoning clown dentistry business.

[nose beeps]

Then it is definitely the right thing for us.

[Woodchuck] This is an abomination.

[aide] It's only till the doctors find better ones.

They're not even hands!

Well, they're better than feet, aren't they?

-[beeping] -What the--?!

-[yelps] -I'm Dr. Boing-Boing!

And I am Dr. Jennifer Picarello, D.D.S.

We come with a message from Mr. Peanutbutter.

You can tell Mr. Peanutbutter I don't--

-Ha! Woodchuck! -What do you want?

You need me, Woodchuck!

You've got brain smarts, but your sober-minded policy speeches are no match for the glitz and pizzazz of a Hollywoo starlet.

Even a relatively low-wattage one like Jessica Biel.

He's right. California loves making movie stars governors.

I was married to both Jessica and Katrina.

I know them inside and out.

And I'm not speaking in a sexual way, although it is also true in a sexual way.

-You gotta let me join the campaign! -[groans, sighs]

-All right. -Great! There's no time to lose.

Quick! Get in Dr. Boing-Boing's dream-powered smile-mobile!

It's been four seconds and I already deeply regret this.

[beeping]

[changing channels on TV]

-Hey. -Hey, yourself.

-I'm sorry I was an asshole. -Mm-hmm.

-What are you doing? -Seeing how fast I can change channels.

Also, I found all the loose change in the house and I put it in alphabetical order by year.

Do you really think a guy like Miles couldn't ever really like a girl like me?

No.

I was just jealous because you were spending a lot of time with him.

He hasn't texted me all day today.

I've been trying to distract myself.

Forget him. You're gonna meet lots of guys who will fall madly in love with you.

I might have scared him off. I don't know.

Do you ever get that feeling that like, to know you more is to love you less?

Hollyhock, you are an amazing woman and you should never settle for someone who only loves the idea of you.

You are funny, and you're kind, and you're clever.

Am I also pretty?

I-- come on. What do you want me to say?

Obviously, I think you're beautiful.

Well, you don't have to go overboard.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we go get some Cold Stone? That'll take your mind off Miles.

Plus, I'll let you drive the Tesla!

Thanks, but I'm not really in the mood for ice cream.

Well, then, forget that. Let's get a pizza.

-I'm actually not hungry. -Oh.

[TV audio switches rapidly]

♪ Back in the 90's I was in a very famous TV show ♪

-♪ I'm BoJack the horseman ♪ -♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the horseman Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack! ♪

[man] Boxer vs. Raptor, ♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na ♪