Home > BoJack Horseman

INT. SUB

-[watch ticking] -[woman humming]

-I know, I know. -I'm just glad you showed up.

The waitstaff was starting to get suspicious.

See? I'm not a liar! I do have a wife!

-All right. You're trying to embarrass me. -And I did. And now I'm fine.

-Hi, you. -Hi, you. [kisses]

Long day at the office?

-I lost them, Indira. -No.

In all my years of corporate mediation,

I've never been unable to resolve a dispute before it goes to arbitration.

I'm Mary-Beth, the Mediating Maven.

I'm sure you helped them in ways you'll never even know.

-I-- Don't therapize me. -[chuckles] But you're so easy!

You make me feel like I'm actually good at it.

What's going on with you?

-It's been a tough week. -Tell me.

Mm...

-I shouldn't talk about my clients. -Come on.

What if you changed all the names and identifying characteristics?

Okay. This is a story about...

Bo... Bo... BoBo, the Angsty Zebra.

[theme music playing]

-[writing] -[Indira] So, it all started on Monday.

I was in a session with Diane--

...a! Diana.

[Mary-Beth] Like Diana, Princess of Whales?

[Indira] Exactly.

It's just so tough being Princess of Whales.

Like, I can't be all things to all whales.

-You're deflecting. -I'm not!

Let's talk about the BoBo tape.

{\an8}What's the BoBo tape?

{\an8}She recently came into possession of an audiotape

{\an8}of her friend and co-worker, BoBo, the Angsty Zebra.

[BoBo] On the boat. There was a girl. In New Mexico.

{\an8}And she trusted me. Also, I'm a zebra.

{\an8}-What girl is he talking about? -I don't know.

{\an8}"Girl" sounds young, right? [scoffs] Whatever it is, it's gotta be bad,

{\an8}because, otherwise, why wouldn't he tell me?

{\an8}Diana, you are not responsible for the dysfunction of others.

{\an8}I actually explore this in my book,

Are You Responsible For The Dysfunction of Others?

Spoiler alert: You're not!

I just wish I could talk to him about it, but he's like an open sore.

{\an8}Attention! As some of you might have heard, my mom died recently.

I know you're very concerned, but I wanna let you know it will not affect my work.

I'm here, and I'm doing fine. I just want to focus on the show.

{\an8}So, please treat this like any other day, and be extra-nice to me

{\an8}because I am a famous actor, not because my mom died.

{\an8}[all murmuring]

Thank you. Good.

{\an8}Yes, that's what I'm looking for. Just go about your business.

{\an8}That's good 'cause I don't want to talk about my mom.

Hmm. [grunts]

-Hey. Did you hear my mom died? -Yeah. But you don't wanna talk about it.

No. Pretty weird she died, though, huh?

-Do you want to talk about it? -No. I'm just saying it's weird.

-BoBo. I am so sorry. -And I so don't wanna talk about it.

Obsessed with my mom much? You're the one with issues.

Uh...

{\an8}I feel like he wants me to comfort him, but I'm still angry.

{\an8}Maybe you could both use some space from each other.

{\an8}Why don't you tell him you need to focus on your work?

{\an8}What work? Flippy won't let me do anything.

[dolphin voice]

Flippy? Are you okay?

{\an8}[squeaking]

Hey, what are we filming today? Why is there a submarine set?

{\an8}[squeaking continues]

[Diana] Interior sub?

{\an8}Why didn't you just write "way"?

Okay. So, now we just need to come up with a scene that takes place in a submarine.

Okay.

-Ah! -Did you hear my mom died?

[Indira] How about this? If he wants to talk, and you aren't can't confront him, tell him your therapist says you need space.

That's where I went wrong. I inserted myself into her story.

Don't beat yourself up. Remember what Doctor Janet said?

[bells in accordance to stick]

Tell me about your day. You had a tough workplace mediation?

Whoo! The problem with these two is they don't just work together.

They also live together.

[grunting]

What a beautiful morning!

[Indira] Wait, wait,, wait. Hold on.

If your story can have Princess Diana, why can't mine have Emperor Finger-Face?

It's not actually Princess Diana. She's just named Diana.

I've been picturing Princess Diana.

Okay, fine. Tell me what happened with Emperor Finger-Face.

He lived in the same apartment as a Tangled Fog of Pulsating Yearning in the shape of a woman.

Good morning, Emperor Finger-Face!

Good morning to you, Tangled Fog of Pulsating Yearning!

-See you tonight? -Afternoon.

I wanna talk to you, so I set a meeting through your assistant.

-Have you seen my keys? -Butter tray in the fridge.

I think I put them there during one of my night terrors.

I don't have time to go to the kitchen. I'll just hotwire my car.

-Hey, did you eat breakfast? -No time for meals.

I just grab whatever I can, whenever I can.

Hold on.

I know you're a gal on the go, but even tangled fogs of pulsating yearning need to eat right.

I'll get something on set.

Pinky swear? [horn] Ow! I poked my face!

I feel I'm having a hard time following the story because of how weird you made the characters.

The important thing is that these two have been living together for almost a year with virtually no drama.

In some ways, it's the most functional relationship either have ever been in!

Oh, okay. I guess that's not that weird.

Great! Now, back to the story of the fog and the hand!

-So. What can I do you for? -I have no workspace on set.

I was hoping we could allocate some money to get me an office.

Oh, look, here's the exact paperwork you need all filled out and ready to go.

-Okay. -Just needs your signature.

-Let me retrieve my pen. -Marvelous!

Yep, I am currently gripping my pen inside my jacket.

Now to just pull it out and sign this document.

Just goes to show, you get what you need if you pull the right strings.

Strings?

-[gasps] It was you! -What was me?

The last string cheese in the apartment, I was saving it. And you took it!

And now you want me to give you an office?

What?! I didn't take your cheese.

Uh-oh, are we having a work-related conflict?

This feels like more of a you-crashing-on-my-couch-related conflict.

When I started here, I signed a contract that said, all intra-office disputes must be resolved via mediation, or failing that, forced arbitration.

Ugh!

So, then I-- You're not eating.

I just-- I keep thinking about BoBo the Zebra.

Okay, what happened next with BoBo?

Well, he wanted to get back to work, but since Flippy had writer's block, there was nothing for the actors to do.

How is there nothing to shoot?

So, what, I just have to wait around, and be alone with my thoughts? Gross.

When I was on The Murder-Stoppers. we had to shut down production because Nick Nolte wouldn't come out of his trailer.

He wasn't even on the show! He was in one of our trailers,

-and we couldn't get him out! -Is it hard to write a script, Gino?

"Oh, I'm Philbert, bang, bang. I'm a tough guy.

My wife is dead! Did I kill her? Who knows? I'm cool."

That was pretty good. Can we just roll on that?

When there's something to shoot, we'll shoot.

Meanwhile, you wanna go bang one out in your trailer? I'll get my diaphragm.

Nah, I'd just be thinking about my dead mom the whole time, which would either ruin it or--

Oh, God, what if it makes it better? I don't wanna know that.

-You want me to just get you some pie? -No.

-Yes. -Okay, big guy.

[BoBo sighs]

-[sympathetic voice] Hey, buddy. -Hey, Mr. Chocolate-Hazelnut-Spread.

Really sorry about your mom.

No, it's fine. I'm fine. It's really fine.

It must be so hard to lose a loved one. I, for one, never have.

You've never lost a loved one?

-When my mom got old, she moved to a farm. -What?

In the country, where she could have plenty of room to run free.

Why would she wanna run around if she's old?

You know, I never really questioned the logic.

My brother set it up. I haven't been able to visit, but everyone in my family goes to that farm eventually.

-Oh, dude, your mom's dead. -What? No. She's at a farm.

After a prolonged bout of Parkinson's. A farm.

Where they don't have telephones, or the internet, and... Oh, my God.

She's dead. My mom is dead!

-[sobbing] -Whoa!

[BoBo groans]

Oh, there... There, there.

[Flippy squeaking]

-What's going on with this submarine? -My therapist doesn't want me talking to you!

-What? -My therapist, Dr. Indira, says it would be good if you gave me some space.

-Why would she say that? -Don't know. I'm just the client.

-Her call, not mine. I should go. -Uh...

Everybody? My dear mother has transcended this plane.

-[all] Aw. -I am incredibly fragile and could use all the support I can get, so if everyone could pay a lot of attention to me, and ask me a lot of questions about my mother, and maybe tell me stories about your mothers,

I think that would really make me feel a lot better.

Sure, Mr. Chocolate-Hazelnut-Spread!

-[man] So sorry for your loss. -This is a very healthy way to grieve.

-[applause] -Ugh.

So, a brief recapitulation: this is not a room for repudiation or condemnation over string cheese appropriation accusations.

Mediation is an invitation for open conversation, frustration de-escalation, and exchange of information, which, in summation, removes any justification for litigation involving this corporation.

Nobody was going to litigate anything.

That's fabulous, because you legally cannot.

Now, tell me about your journey into the woods of conflict.

Well, this very Wednesday, October 24th,

I was excited to come home to some string cheese. The very last one.

I'd been saving it all week.

-All week until Wednesday? -That is correct.

I measure my weeks Thursday to Wednesday.

-Why would you-- -Tangled Fog of Pulsating Yearning?

Emperor Finger-Face has the floor.

I was gonna melt it down and then sculpt it into a Mozzarella Cinderella!

But when I got home, my string cheese was gone!

Doesn't mean I took it.

Tangled Fog, watch yourself. Or I'll turn on this fan.

Well, this morning you said yourself that when it comes to eating,

-you just grab whatever you can. -Can we use "I" statements?

[shouts] Ai, ai, ai! You took my cheese!

You probably ate it yourself during one of your night terrors!

We know you opened the fridge. You put my keys in there.

I can't eat while I'm terrified.

That's why I'll never know the delicious crunch of Count Chocula.

-[shudders] -That still doesn't mean I took it.

-You will both have a chance to-- -Come on!

We both know you drift around the apartment like you own the place.

-It's my apartment! -[shouts and thumps] And it's my cheese!

Oh, boy.

[tires screech]

-[grunts] Who do you think you are? -[gasps] Uh...

-I'm Dr. Indir-- -I know who you are!

You know how many therapists there are named Indira?

Google filled in your last name for me.

Why did you tell Diana that she needed space from me?

Would you like to have a seat?

No, I don't wanna "have a seat," and here's why.

Therapists are manipulative leeches...

So, when Jerry Lewis mistook me for the valet, he was carrying so much pain I could never fathom.

-Mm... -And that realization allows me to forgive. Not for his sake, but for mine.

-Mm-hmm. -Wow. How long was I talking?

I hope that was cathartic for you. You wanna come back same time tomorrow?

Wait a minute, I see what's going on here. Are you... my new best friend?

[sighs] Uh...?

Ugh, I'm sorry, I feel like I'm hogging all the conversation.

There's definitely more to your story than mine.

Mine's more like a secondary story. A B-story, if you will.

I have a feeling it will continue to offer a light alternative, as my story gets increasingly serious.

Let's continue to switch back and forth between our stories, pausing at their most interesting moments.

That feels like the most natural way to have a conversation.

Well, while I was talking to BoBo,

Diana was trying to keep things together

-on set. -I thought it was my turn.

-[gasps] Oh, my God! Oh, my God. -[Diana] Okay, cut?

-[buzzer blares] -Why is Sassy saying "Oh, my God?"

I just figured, we've got all these people here, we might as well film some stuff.

Presumably something shocking will happen, and then if it does, we have a shot of you saying, [mimics Gino] "Oh, my God!"

-Makes sense. -Diana, can I talk to you for a sec?

I know you're going through something, and need boundaries, but this isn't personal,

-it's about the show. -Ah!

[Diana grunts, sighs] What is it?

I lied. It's a 100% personal.

-What? -But it's good! You're gonna like this.

-Remember you said you needed space? -Yes.

When you told me that, I didn't take it well.

-Uh... -But I made a new friend,

-so everything is good now. -Oh. Well, that's great.

I'm glad you think so because, fun twist,

-it's Dr. Indira. -What?

I'm seeing Dr. Indira now, as a friend. Dr. Indira's my new friend.

-No. -What?

It's great that you would wanna talk to someone, and you should!

But she's mine. I really need her to just be mine.

-Can you understand that? -[sighs] Yeah.

Diana asked me not to be friends with you, so out of respect for her,

I think it's best that I continue seeing you behind her back.

We can still do our lunchtime hang outs, but to cover our tracks,

I'll compensate you for your time on the books.

Ιt'll seem as if you have a client.

And, to be safe, we should invoke a therapist-to-friend confidentiality.

How's that sound?

So, in my dreams, I'm Philbert, and sometimes when I wake up,

I don't know if I'm Philbert or if I'm me,

-or if I'm still dreaming. -[watch beeping]

Oh, that's our time of friendship hour.

I'm just so glad that I can help break up your day of listening to whiny babies with some entertaining lunchtime convo.

Should I have told him what we were doing was therapy?

On some level, he must have known what was going on.

What I don't understand is, if you knew Diana asked him not to see you--

I'm a therapist. A doctor heals. A DJ spins.

Jessica Chastain takes whatever gig Amy Adams says no to.

My job is to listen.

And at that moment, BoBo needed someone to listen.

I know the feeling.

Okay, we've been going back and forth for two hours.

Can we take a break? I gotta use the bathroom. If I even can!

Maybe it's just another hand down there! Guess I'll find out!

Why not just say you took the cheese?

-Because I didn't. -You want an office, right?

There's nothing wrong with telling a small lie to avoid a fight.

I do it all the time with my wife, Doctor, uh, Underwear.

-Heh? -I love your new hairstyle, honey.

-Did you not like my new hairstyle? -Oh! Um... Back to my story...

All you have to do is tell Emperor Finger-Face what he wants to hear.

Fifty-nine cents worth of edible string for a brand-new office?

Wouldn't you take that deal?

So, turns out I can use the bathroom, but it comes out in tiny cubes!

Hey. I took the string cheese.

Ha, ha! I knew it!

Wonderful. So, she can replace the cheese and you'll give her an office. We did it!

Great! Let me just grab my pen.

-But even if I did take the cheese-- -Which you just admitted you did!

Would I be in the wrong?

I mean, it is kind of a "fair game food," don't you think?

-What? -It's not like it's a sandwich.

Some foods are just widely understood to be up for grabs.

-No. You guys. -[Finger-Face] Okay.

Well, then let's make a list of fair game foods.

Grapes. Fair game. Eggs. Fair game. An unsliced pie. Not fair game.

A sliced pie. Fair game. The last slice. Not fair game.

Then let's also make a list of what's fair game to me in my apartment.

Oh, that's right, everything, you literal knucklehead.

Oh, ho-ho! That's a solid diss coming from a gas.

Please, you two, we can still reach an agreement.

I don't know. I think this might go beyond simple mediation.

-No! -Damn it, we're going to arbitration!

[shouts] Nooooooooooo!

Hey, Flippy. I got everyone saying, "Oh, my God." How's it going in here?

"Interior sub. Philbert. Philbert. Flap, flap, flippy, flap. Fart. Barf.

Barf me a river, fartbag."

{\an8}[squeaking]

What's going on in here?

{\an8}[squeaking continues]

If it relieves any pressure,

I don't know that everyone thinks you're a brilliant genius.

I think we need to simplify.

Let's start with Fritz. Is he a ghost or is he not a ghost?

Can't he just be a ghost?

So, why is Philbert seeing a ghost? Maybe he feels haunted?

And Fritz represents that? What is haunting Philbert?

That's great. But also... Maybe something involving a submarine?

You keep thinking.

Hey, are we about to shoot something?

I'm meeting a friend for lunch. You don't know her.

It's gonna be a while still.

Flippy is working through his "process." And I am helping.

Sounds good. Just remember, you are not responsible for the dysfunction of others.

What?

I'm just saying don't let him get you down.

Where did you hear that? About the dysfunction of others?

I don't know. Just around. It's a thing people say.

[Diana] Mm...

Hey, are we gonna get new pages today or what?

W-w-wait, did you say "Princess Carolyn"?

I'm sorry, "Priscilla Crustacean."

Vamanos, on the pages, okay?

I've been here all day today, Wednesday, October 24th, waiting for something to shoot. Andele, andele, andele!

I think your Priscilla Crustacean is the same person as my Tangled Fog of Pulsating Yearning in the shape of a woman!

And if she was on set all day Wednesday, that means--

Bu-- Hold on, I'm getting to the juicy part.

As soon as I get the thing, I don't want it anymore.

It feels cheap. So, no, I wouldn't like a bottle of water.

-[Diana grunts] -Emotionally naked!

-I knew it! -Diana! Let me explain.

How long has he been your client?

-Not a client. -Three--

Days. Friends for three days.

I asked you not to see her.

I asked for one part of my life that I could have to myself.

News flash, you're not the only one going through shit.

Maybe if I could talk to you,

I wouldn't need to be looking for other friends.

Diana, is there anything you'd like to discuss with BoBo?

We can do it right here. This is a safe space.

No. This doesn't feel like a safe space anymore.

I can't keep coming here if I know you're also seeing him.

Then it sounds like our time together is done.

What?

You're setting a boundary.It is good.

Go forth with the tools I've given you.

Live your life, Diana. Like a candle in the wind.

-I can't believe this is happening. -I think BoBo needs me more.

-Would you like validation? -No.

Your validation is worthless to me now. You two deserve each other.

[grunts]

Oh, you meant parking validation. I actually would like that.

Wow, I can't believe you chose BoBo over your client of seven years.

At a certain point,

I can't hold myself responsible for other people's dysfunction.

I mean, that is kind of your job.

But at least now you can help the Angsty Zebra, right?

Well...

-Okay. Now for the real work to begin. -Real what now?

You did the hard part, admitting you need help.

Did I admit that?

And now comes the even harder part, getting the help.

-Let's talk about your mother. -You know what? This has been great.

I got what I wanted and I made so much progress!

So, I think I'm done?

-Yes. You did it! -I--

You changed my stripes! Dr. Indira, you're great at your job!

-Goodbye forever. -W-w-w-wait!

I can't believe I lost two clients in one day.

You're focusing on the negative.

I'm sure you helped them in ways you'll never know.

This area's all mine. This is fair game. Ya see the line?

What about popcorn?

Popped is mine. Unpopped is fair game.

-[ringtone playing] -[phone beeps]

-Hello? -[Mary-Beth] Todd.

Princess Carolyn was on set all day, the day of the string cheese theft.

She was not home when the cheese went missing, rendering any arbitration agreement made under those conditions null and void.

Whoa! Thanks a lot, Mary-Beth.

Just doing my job, kid. A doctor heals. A DJ spins.

Bryce Dallas Howard takes the gigs, Jessica Chastain says no to.

And Mary-Beth mediates.

So, it sounds like you didn't take my string cheese.

That's what I've been saying!

I don't even know why we had to go through corporate mediation in the first place!

I guess I just wanted it to be a workplace dispute, because I thought if you knew it was a roommate dispute, you might kick me out.

I'm not gonna kick you out. I like having you around.

Oh, really?

Who else would I get to keep my keys cold?

You know, I have this job now.

Maybe I could start paying, I believe it's pronounced "roaunnt?"

Rent? Well. That's a great idea.

But I also need my own space. Which is why I wanted that office.

Well, then, let's get you that office. I just need to grab my pen.

-Hey! -Ugh!

Hey. I want to apologize... for my behavior at Dr. Indira's.

-Don't worry about it. -She was right.

You need her more than I do. And I think she can really help you.

Help with what?

I was looking for someone to hang out with during my lunch.

I didn't want some psycho-babbling quack job telling me to get in touch with my feelings.

-Who needs that? -I do. I need that.

You don't anymore! She said it herself, you're fixed!

And then after you left, I was like,

"Hey, if Diane doesn't need this, I don't need this."

Wait, you quit?

Yeah, I'm not someone therapy works on. I might be too smart.

Oh, my God. You haven't changed at all.

Whoa, whoa. Diane, no, no. I'm not the problem here.

None of this would have happened if I felt like I could talk to you, my friend, after my mother died.

So, would you like to talk about your mother?

No, I'm just saying as an example.

Why do you bring things back to my mother?

I can't keep playing this game with you.

You say you wanna get better and you don't know how.

Well, here's me, your friend, telling you how: get therapy.

Otherwise, don't waste my time.

Uh, you heard Dr. Indira. She said we don't need her.

She said I don't need her!

I know, but you're just as screwed up as I am.

-So, if-- -I am not as screwed up as you are.

Diane, it's me. Come on. We're the same.

[gasps] We are not the same!

-[Diane grunts] -Whoa.

-[Diane huffs, hums] -[typing]

Whoa.

That's good stuff. We're doing it, Diane. We're doing it!

I wanna thank everyone for being so kind this week.

Losing a mother is not easy, but I am so lucky to have the support system of my Philbert family.

You know who I really feel bad for is my dad.

He's out on that farm all by himself, and-- Oh, my God. My dad is dead!

-[all] Aw. -Cheer up, everyone!

-We got new pages! -All right!

We're gonna film in the living room with Philbert and Sassy Malone first.

We're moving into the submarine for the flashback.

No time to learn lines. We gotta make up for the lost days, so we're gonna put the whole thing on cue cards. Let's go!

{\an8}-All right, everybody stand back. -[murmus]

[sobbing]

We need lights on the living room!

And action!

Tell me what happened in the submarine, Philbert.

We were doing a routine submarine sting operation.

Things got outta hand.

-Hey. Who do you work for? -Well, I sure as hell don't work for tips.

-[chuckles] -[men gasping]

Okay. Hey, Fritz. Be cool. Everybody cool.

We are in a pressurized submarine in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle.

Mm.

Easy... [inhales]

-[all gasping, grunting] -[gunfire]

-Oh, my God! You killed them all? -We had to.

These poor guys.

I wonder if they had kids, families who will never know--

Can you just say the lines, please?

Barf me a river, fartbags.

We gotta make this look like an accident.

You grab the contraband, I'll set up the explosives. [panting]

[BoJack] I went to the room where they were keeping the stuff.

-Only there was no stuff. -Oh, my God!

There was a girl there. She couldn't have been older than 17.

Bring in the girl!

What? What is this?

Keep going! We gotta get this tonight!

[Gina] A girl?

[BoJack] They weren't smuggling drugs. They were smuggling... her.

-Hey. Are you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine. Just do the scene.

[Bojack] I told her it was going to be okay.

And... she kissed me.

Wha--?

What did you do to her, Philbert?

Nothing. Like I said, she kissed me.

-Kiss her back. -What?

We need to get you kissing her back.

-What? -Kiss me, you idiot.

Kiss her!

[both moaning]

This whole thing is gonna blow. We gotta bounce, friendo.

If Fritz hadn't come, what would you have done with the girl?

{\an8}[Bojack] Part of me is sure I couldn't go through.

But another part knows that's a lie.

-We can't just leave her. -[whimpering]

Use your brain, Philbert!

{\an8}Malone, you gotta believe me. I'm a good guy.

If I'd known she was there, I never would've--

-Tell me what happened. -I'll be back.

-You wait right here. -Come on, loverboy.

You kissed a young girl and then left her to die.

I'm a good guy. I didn't know that she was--

You have to understand, I'm a good guy.

-She trusted you. -How do you make something right when you've made it so wrong, you can never go back?

How did you come up with all this?

It's a story I heard once. I just changed all the names.

I'll never forget that night on The...

U.S.S. New Mexico.

Why are you telling me all this?

It's just good to have someone to talk to.

[Flip] Cut!

-[buzzer blares] -Amazing! I'm a genius!

[music playing]