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Ancient History

[BoJack's voice] I don't know what's real anymore.

-And I don't know if I care. -[buzzing]

[sighs]

-Talk to me, Philbert. -Don't tell her a thing.

[car horn]

What did you do to your wife?

[sighs]

-She was gonna get us all killed. -So you took care of it, huh?

I tried to stop him!

-Who? -Fritz! He was hopped up on goof-berries.

-[pills rattling] -Agh!

-I think I shot him. -[Peanutbutter] Agh!

What are you doing, Philbert? Oh-hh!

You shot your partner?

[groans] Ugh!

[moans]

-Cut! We're turning around for BoJack. -[bell ringing]

All right! That was acting.

Hey, so, this has been real, but since it's our last day, it feels like maybe we should call it on the whole us sleeping together thing.

I don't usually keep dating co-stars once we've wrapped.

Would you say we're co-stars?

I mean, I'm Philbert. I'd say we're more like both in the cast?

Yeah, let's definitely pump the brakes on this.

And we're set. Action!

I had no choice. He was strangling my wife!

What did you do with the bodies?

I-- It's all a blur. It feels like a dream.

-Where are the bodies, Philbert? -I buried them.

-In the same place I'm gonna bury you. -[gasps]

-Right here. -Oh!

Kiss me, you smart, handsome renegade.

There's no time for that now. The nuclear missiles are coming.

Cut! That's a wrap on Philbert Season One!

Great work, everyone!

{\an8}I want you all to know I'm proud of what I've done here.

-See ya at the Peabody Awards! -Great working with you. Thank you.

[Princess Carolyn] Terrific job. Seriously...

What the hell are goof-berries?

[theme music playing]

Oh!

{\an8}-[chuckles] I love the sign. -You better.

{\an8}I basically had to go through a whole pen on that thing.

-Uh... -Hey, I'd help you with your bag,

-but you know, my back. -Yeah.

It's cool that you came through Los Angeles on your way home.

Yeah, I guess we got lucky.

{\an8}The only flight from Connecticut to Kansas had a one-night layover in California.

{\an8}-Really? -No, dummy. I wanted to see you.

-[grunts] -[chuckles]

-[music playing] -[group cheering]

[woman on intercom] Emily is here to see you.

{\an8}-Blunt? -Well, she is a little curt.

{\an8}That's my Emily! Send her in!

-Hey, Todd. [sighs] -You okay?

-I broke up with my fireman. -Not Steve!

No, no, no, not Steve. It was Doug.

Not Doug! Forgot there was a new one!

I am so done with these sexy noble hero hunks.

The sex is great, but the emotional connection just is not there.

It was the same with me and Yolanda.

{\an8}No emotional connection, but the no-sex was amazing.

{\an8}None of the best sex I ever had.

{\an8}You know, I was actually thinking about that.

{\an8}Remember that idea you had about the dating app for asexuals?

{\an8}-Nope! -[phone clicking]

{\an8}Yeah, here we go. ♪ Ta-da-da-da! ♪

[Todd] "All About That Ace"?

{\an8}You should get yourself out there. You were the best boyfriend I ever had.

{\an8}If only there was a version of you I could have sex with, I'd be all set.

-Whoa, Emily. I just got a crazy idea. -What?

{\an8}A restaurant where the menus are printed on garlic bread,

{\an8}so after you order, the first course is the menu!

{\an8}Oh.

[clock ticking]

So, ever since Philbert wrapped earlier today, the question on everybody's mind is,

"What's Mr. Peanutbutter going to do next?"

You're a serious actor now, so I guess, narrate a documentary about global warming, and then take a private jet to the premiere?

I've been looking for new projects.

Seems like everything's based on books these days, so I went to the book store to scout some material.

-Mm-hmm. -But all the books are so long now.

-Yeah? -Who has the time?

I'll just wait 'til the movie comes out, then see the movie, and decide if the book the movie is based on would make a good movie.

Oh, that's a good strategy.

Anyway, I was heading to the door in book-length-related frustration...

[groans]

...when I saw one of those circular greeting card racks.

Spotted a card that looked interesting, and it's a super-quick read.

-[flutters] -Eh...?

-"Happy Birthday, Dad." -Pretty cool dad, huh?

You want to option this greeting card for a movie?

-We'll call it Birthday Dad. -But what is it?

Hmm? Mmm... it's... "Birthday Dad."

Oh. Okay.

-You think we can get the film rights? -I'll look into it.

[moans]

[giggles] So, then Joby was like,

"Uh, nice scrunchie, Professor."

It was literally a thing.

Joby is the guy in your dorm who plays guitar?

Yeah, he's really funny, but like soulful funny, you know?

-That's great. -Oh...!

[BoJack] You know, I always thought I would make a good college person.

Roaming the campus, sticking it to the crusty old dean with my rowdy 'tude, having friends, and learning things, and just, uh, being young.

-[sighs] -You okay?

You look as if you saw Ghost in the Shell and you're Scarlett Johansson's publicist.

It's weird to be back in this house.

This is where it all happened with your mom.

Oh, my God, this is so weird.

Hollyhock, whoa. It's okay. That's ancient history.

My mom is dead, so nobody is going to drug you with secret pills. All right?

Now, how about we make new, fun, memories to cancel out the old ones?

-Can the new memories be pizza-related? -No doy!

Ah, thank you for meeting me on such short notice.

It's nice to see you.

I'm sure Fridays must be a big night for you.

You were probably planning on going out to a nice dinner with your new girlfriend?

Or seeing a movie with your new girlfriend?

Or staying in and watching cable--

I get what you're asking. The answer is, no, I don't have cable anymore.

Oh! [chuckles]

Or a new girlfriend.

I'm not seeing anyone either. I've just been so busy with my Philbert.

Philbert? You have a Philbert?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's a show I'm producing.

Not the baby we really wanted but never had.

Oh, well, that's great, too.

Anyway, Mr. Peanutbutter wants to option this card as a movie.

-Birthday Dad. -How is it a movie?

-Hmm. It's "Birthday Dad." -Oh. Okay.

-[ringtone playing] -Oh!

-I'm sorry. -Yeah. Sure.

-[phone beeps] -Hello?

[Tracy] Can you get to the St. Bernard Medical Center in like, a half hour?

Uh, I think so. Why?

I just got my tonsils taken out,

-and I need a ride home. -What?

Nah, I'm just messing with you. A pregnant lady doesn't want the baby.

If you can get there tonight, the baby's yours.

Tonight? That's so-- she doesn't even know me.

Hey, man. You don't say no to free baby.

[sighs] Okay.

Is everything okay?

I have to drive my hospital to the car right now!

I'm a baby, and there's adopting on the way!

-You're adopting? -Vroom-vroom!

There's so much food in my lap! Doesn't matter! It's fine!

-All part of being a mother! -You are really freaking out.

Am I freaking out too much? Or not enough?

-Let me drive you. -But I have the car seat in my car.

They won't let you go home without one. It's the only rule, really.

There should be more rules, but who am I to judge?

-[breathing heavily] -Hey, breathe.

I'll get the car seat. Let's go.

Ugh. I ate too much.

I need ice cream to smoosh the rest of it down.

Oh, I don't keep junk food in the house, ever since last night when I ate all of my ice cream.

Hey, why do you have a vodka bottle for every day of the week?

Oh, that's just my new system I'm trying. I'm down to one bottle a day.

-Is this like an AA thing? -No, I don't need AA.

-Would you get outta there? -I want ice cream.

-Give me your keys. -What? No.

-Come on. Let me drive the Tesla. -With your greasy pizza fingers?

-Forget it. -Come on! [giggling]

-Hey. -Ooh!

What the hell are these?

What? Oh, those...

Why was this in your pocket? Are these for me?

No, Hollyhock. God, no.

Oh God, did you put this in my pizza?

What? Of course not. Hollyhock. No. Give me the-- no!

-Oops. -Hollyhock, those were for my back!

-Wait, for real? -Yes.

Oh, then actually, oops.

[lock clicks]

-Hey, Todd. Is everything okay? -I need to talk to someone, and you're the only person I knew would be available on a Friday night,

-with nothing to do. -Hey, I almost went to the movies tonight!

It's not my fault there's never anything in the 8:00 hour.

9:15 is too late. 7:00 is too early. When am I supposed to eat dinner?

Uh, sneak in a bag of mashed potatoes like the rest of us?

-Is this your whole apartment? -It's a studio.

I ate lunch with a studio head just yesterday.

-This is not a studio. -What do you need, Todd?

Well, my friend, Emily, did something really nice for me, and I wanna pay her back.

-Thought you could help me brainstorm. -Okay. What kind of things does she like?

Well, sex, for one.

Good for her! A woman needs to know her own body before she expects someone else to know her body.

-What? What are we talking about? -What?

I think sex, for one?

Oh! Diane, you sad-homed genius.

-You've cracked it! -What?

To the junkyard behind the engineering school!

-Always happy to contribute! -[crashes]

[rattling]

-Oh, my God, I'm sorry. I freaked out. -It's not your fault.

Your generation's been brainwashed by McGruff the Crime Dog.

Who, by the way, I met at a party once? Didn't ask me a single question about me.

Yeah, and also because of the time I overdosed on pills.

Right, well, these were good pills.

I told you I'm on a system now. I'm not "doing drugs." This was medicine.

Can you get more?

Oh, sure. I'll just call the pharmacy and say,

"Hey, girl, you know that highly-addictive opioid

I'm supposed to take every three hours? Well, I kind of misplaced them, so could I just get some more? I'm totally not a drug addict."

-I'm really sorry. -No. It's fine.

Let's enjoy our time together, even though I'm in tremendous pain.

I'll try to forget it, but the whole time we might be thinking about it.

I do not blame you, but if you blame yourself, that is okay with me.

You must know a place you can get more painkillers.

I do know a guy, but he's somewhat "south of Pico," if you know what I mean.

I don't. Why do Los Angeles people think everyone else understands your local references?

Okay, okay, let's go.

I can't believe you're adopting.

I just realized it was the right thing for me.

I just remember you were so adamant about having the baby yourself, even when I said we should talk about other options.

-Yeah, but the way you said it-- -I'm not mad.

I just think it's funny you had that change of heart after we broke up.

[sighs]

[sighs] I'm sorry. This is not about me.

You'll be a great mom, and I'm really happy for you.

-Yeah? -Of course.

Well, one day, you're gonna be a great dad.

-Hopefully as cool as Birthday Dad! [chuckles]

-Why are we at the pediatrician? -Trust me.

This doctor is the sleaziest, dopiest, scurviest of the scurvy.

-Who is he? -Exactly.

-[Hollyhock yelps] -Hu... wants to par-tay?

Dr. Hu! Thank you for squeezing us in!

You always gotta make time for your friends.

And I haven't seen you since Sarah Lynn's funeral.

Oh, right.

That was a huge wake-up call for me.

Next morning I looked in the mirror, and you know who I saw staring back at me?

-[Hollyhock] Who? -Exactly.

-What? -No. Hu.

I spent 30 days at Pastiches Malibu and now I'm sober.

It's like I completely regenerated as a brand-new doctor.

Congratulations.

You'd have to be a real lost cause not to seek help after losing Sarah Lynn like that, don't you think?

Oh, deffo. I mean, you know, get help or, you know, work out a system on your own.

Even, you know, whatever's right for you.

Anyway, I'm trying to get my hands on some Feelbetterin?

Feelbetterin?

BoJack, have you been taking oxypraxylcortizoid?

Yeah. I know what you're thinking, but I legitimately have a herniated disc.

He's telling the truth!

I threw out his pills because of my trauma from when I got drugged by his mama.

-You got drugged by your own mother? -No, my mother.

Her mother was a maid who got knocked up by my dad, but she got adopted by eight other dads.

Okay, do you know how many times I hear this story every week?

This story, specifically? Even the "eight dads" part?

I don't know who you think you're fooling, but this Hu won't get fooled again.

Thank you for coming, Emily.

What's with all the candles? Why are you wearing a robe?

Oh, I blew a fuse earlier, so I had to light candles.

That took a while, and then I didn't get to change.

-Oh. -Hold that thought.

-The thought of "Oh"? -That's right.

Because you're gonna need it when you meet your new best friend...

-Uh... -[grunts]

-Whoa! -Henry Fondle!

[robot screaching]

-What? What? -He's a sex robot!

So, you can stop dating all those boring guys and still have sex!

-Stop me if you've heard this one. What? -And guess what?

I even recorded dozens of sexy robot phrases

-for it to say at random intervals! -[clicks]

[robot] I am Henry Fondle. Insert me into genitals!

-Why did you do this? -To show you that I care about your needs.

[robot] My prime directive is to pleasure you.

Todd, I'm not sure you understand how sex works.

That is so condescending.

I know what sex is. I am not a child.

I'm just not great at building robots.

This is my first one, and frankly,

I think it's pretty impressive I put it together in one afternoon.

I love it when you call me "Father."

-[clatters] -[both gasp]

Oh, no! My wacky scheme backfired as always!

-I'm really sorry. -It's fine.

We're spending time together, that's all that matters.

You're not super-mad at me, still?

When this is done, maybe it'll make a great story you can tell that kid you have a crush on.

Who, Joby? [chuckles] I don't have a crush on him.

Get out of here. His jawline is, like, dumb.

-Oh, okay. -Where are we going now?

There's this actress I was kind of seeing while we were working together and I might have left some pills at her place.

She made it clear she doesn't want to see me again but she's not home now.

-Why do I know Gina's schedule? -Where is she?

She has a book club with dumb Nicole who keeps picking very long Italian books that Nicole doesn't even read. Why do I know about Gina's friends?

-Do you have a key? -I have my ways.

-Well, I'm out of ways. -I'll go around back and see if there's a window I can climb through.

Ooh, good thinking! I'll stand guard.

[winces] Ugh.

Oh, shit.

BoJack?

Oh, my God! What happened to book club?

We switched it to Thursdays to confuse Nicole.

-Why are you here? -I just wanted to check on you.

[Gina sighs]

[gasps]

-[gasps] -Wait, Gina. No, stay outside.

I just-- I need to talk to you.

Slowly.

Is this about our relationship? What is there to talk about?

Well, I just been thinking that... we should keep looking at this relationship.

Like all parts of this relationship.

Like even in the junk drawer, in the kitchen of this relationship.

-Or the bathroom cabinet. -I told you I didn't want to see you.

I want you to know that you are top-shelf, Gina.

-Know what I mean? Top shelf. -So, what, you wanna get back together?

-Eh...? -Yes!

Wait, really?

-Okay, I gotta run. -BoJack.

I have had 28 on-set flings, and no guy has ever come to my house after shooting was over to try to have a real relationship.

-Well... -I guess I sort of internalized the idea

I didn't deserve that?

Yeah, but like I said, I really gotta run.

But maybe I do deserve it. Maybe we both do.

BoJack, is it possible that we're the ones we've been waiting for?

Uh, yes. I totally think that is possible, which is why I can't wait to talk about this tomorrow!

-What? Where are you going? -I'll call you!

[Hollyhock panting] Whoa!

Think I need to call her, or did I leave things open enough

-where I can kinda ghost? -What?

Kidding! I'll call her. I'm very fond of that woman.

And I'm sure that things are gonna work out fine, and we can find a way to be happy together and I won't hurt her in a way that she carries with her for the rest of her life.

-Uh, okay. -Lemme get them pills.

-What the hell? These aren't my pills! -Sorry!

-Not your fault. It's just... my back.

-I got another idea. -Okay.

-Do you think Gina needed those? -She'll be fine. Nobody needs pills.

-You could've just dropped me off. -I wanted to be here.

-Hope that's okay. -It's actually nice you're here.

All the times I imagined us taking home a baby from the hospital,

I never pictured it like this.

You mean, you never pictured it would happen on a Friday?

[laughs] Yeah, exactly. That's the main difference.

[sighs] How come you never called me after I kicked you out of my apartment?

You were so mad at me. I didn't think you wanted me to.

I didn't. But you still should have called.

-Well, you could have called me. -Yeah.

-I wish you'd stayed with me that night. -You told me to leave.

Yeah. I guess the lesson is, don't listen to me, right?

[Ralph chuckles] Mm-hmm.

Is that really what you're gonna wear for the first time your new baby sees you?

-Yes? -Oof! Okay.

I'm supposed to be back at the airport in, like, two hours.

Is this really how you want to spend this time?

Again, and... [chuckles] I hate to keep harping on this, we wouldn't be here if someone hadn't dumped my medicine.

I know, but this place is super sketchy.

It looks like where they did the drag race in Grease.

It is where they did the drag race in Grease.

-Where do you think they make movies? -Ooh!

-[Hollyhock yelps] -[tires screech]

-You a cop? -What? No. Oh, shit.

No, it's a costume. I just finished filming a show.

Normally, people return the costume.

Hello, drug merchant. Is it lit under here?

What?

Are there illegal pharmaceuticals available for purchase?

And please, talk into my lollipop.

-Okay, this guy's a cop. -I assure you I am not.

He's just saying that because earlier I said he was a cop.

No. You can see the outline of his badge under his tee-shirt!

-Yeah, no, he's definitely a cop. -Seems cool to me.

Listen. If I were a cop,

I'd have pancake breath from the precinct's weekly Friday night pancake dinners.

-But I do not. So clearly, not a cop. -Uh...

Unless, I somehow had an Altoid, or a Tic-Tac after, which again, no. [chuckles] I am a gum guy.

That all tracks for me. Here are your drugs.

-Aha! We got the package! -Whoa!

-[tires screech, siren wails] -[BoJack] Run!

-[Hollyhock gasps] -They're getting away!

-Go, go, go! -[siren wails]

-[BoJack panting] -[Hollyhock moans]

-[Hollyhock] Oh, no! -Here, get up.

[both grunting]

[grunts]

-Eh...? -Come on! We have to keep moving!

[groans]

-[hissing] -[Emily] Ooh!

-Thanks, Doug. -I'm not here for you.

I'm here because I respect the art of putting out fires. [puffs]

- I'm really sorry, Emily. -It was a sweet idea.

I guess I just thought you waste so much time with these boring firemen just for the sex.

-Eh? -Doug, some privacy, please?

Okay.

Maybe I figured if you had some other way to satisfy yourself sexually, then you could spend more time with me.

-Like we did in high school. -Todd, we were dating in high school.

Do you ever think about what it would be like if we dated now?

I don't know. What would it be like?

I guess we'd hang out together, like we already do.

And you would be my favorite person, like you already are.

And when something good happened to me, like if I got a promotion at work, you'd be the first person I'd tell, and you'd smile and say, "That's my boyfriend."

Well, that could be cool. But then I would have sex with the robot?

[whirring] Boop, boop, boop! Oh!

-[splatters] -[sighs] Uh-hh!

-Hooray. -I guess it's not ideal.

You know, when I was putting the app together,

I learned that some asexuals actually do have sex.

-Do you... think that there's a chance? -[mutters] Um-umm.

-Okay. Well, you got any other ideas? -Hmm.

What about if marbles were cube-shaped, so they don't roll away as much?

-No dice. -[sighs]

[Princess Carolyn] Oh, he's beautiful.

Do you think I'm terrible for giving him away?

What? Of course not.

I don't know the first thing about being a parent.

-Bridget, it's okay. -Your baby's in excellent hands.

I'm just so glad he's going to a good home,

-with a mother and a father. -What's this, now?

I mean, if my boyfriend was still in the picture, maybe I could be a parent, but as is, I think the baby's probably better off with you two.

-Oh, no, Ralph's not-- -That's right!

We're gonna make a wonderful family together.

-Ralph, don't lie to her. -I'm not lying.

A year ago, we wanted to have a family together.

-I still want that. -Ralph, no. You should go.

I hear you say that, but I'm not making the mistake I made last time.

I don't want this.

This seems like a subject you should have agreed on before you came to the hospital.

We can do this. Nothing has changed.

I changed! I have plans now, and you're not in them.

-You don't need to do this by yourself. -I never needed to. I want to.

I'm not afraid of how hard it's gonna be.

I already love this baby. And that gives me so much power.

I don't need anything else.

Oh, my God, I just realized something.

If you can do it by yourself, maybe that means I can do it by myself.

-Uh... -No, no, Bridget, you definitely can't.

I thought I couldn't. But that speech you gave was so inspiring.

It made me realize that all I need to be a good mother is love.

Actually, you need so much more than that. I was wrong when I said that a second ago.

[chuckles] Okay. But for real, give me my baby boy.

-[moans] Oh-hh... -Coochie-coochie-choo...

-[moans] -Princess Carolyn, you are amazing.

-Can you be my mom? -[groans] Oh-hh!

[both panting]

[coughing] There's gotta be another way to get pills.

How about calling this Joby? He sounds like a druggie.

-I thought your back hurts. -Yeah.

-How did you lift me over the fence? -Well, the adrenaline kicked in.

-Do you really need these pills? -Hollyhock, how many times--

I'm just saying, is it possible maybe you don't--

Okay. You go to college and suddenly you're so sophisticated,

-and I'm a dumb junkie, is that it? -What? No!

You don't understand anything!

-I am in pain. -No, I get that.

All the time. my whole life. And you have no idea.

So, sorry that you had one bad experience with my mom, but I have been in pain my whole life.

[sighs]

I think you should take me to the airport.

Okay.

-You're sure I can't drive you home? -No, Ralph.

Can I at least wait with you for the cab?

[sighs] Okay.

[buckle clicks]

So, I guess I'll see you later.

-Hollyhock, I'm sorry. -Me, too.

Maybe, it's possible that I don't...

100-percent need-need the pills.

I thought I did, but-- yeah.

So, thank you for... caring about me.

-Are you gonna be okay? -Yeah.

I could take a semester off, if you need someone--

No. God, no. Stay... stay in school.

And take your classes, and kiss boys, and do the college thing.

I'm gonna be fine. I get it. Drugs are bad.

Not all drugs.

Obviously, if you get hurt again, and a doctor, a real doctor prescribes you painkillers, you can take them.

-But only if you get hurt again. -Okay.

-You promise? -Yes. I promise.

Okay. I love you.

[sighs] Hmm.

Okay. Bye.

[whirring]

[clicks, beeping]

[sighs]

[sighs] Whew.

[traffic noises]

[hatch clicks]

Ugh!

[panting]

Uh...

[groaning]

-[groaning] -[tires screech]

[crashing]