Home > BoJack Horseman

A Horse Walks into a Rehab

[BoJack] Sarah Lynn.

Sarah Lynn?

[stammers] I don't have a lot to tell. She called me.

She sounded a little off. I... [sighs]

So, I drove to the planetarium, and I found her passed out.

I called 911 right away, but it was too late.

{\an8}[crickets chirping]

-I'm so sorry. -[cries]

I did everything I could.

It's my fault. I'm a terrible mother.

-No. It's no one's fault. -[sobs]

So, you don't know where Sarah Lynn got the heroin from?

-I have no idea. -Alrighty then.

That's the only question I had.

I mean, of course I knew she was doing a lot of drugs.

But that's who she was. Who I was.

It felt like we could keep partying forever

-and it wouldn't catch up with us. -Got it. Don't need any more information.

I was in a bad way.

And Sarah Lynn followed me down because she thought I was a safe place.

What have I done?

Just to be clear, the case is closed.

You can stop rambling.

[whistles tune]

I gotta make some changes in my life.

Starting now.

[bottles clink]

[gulping]

{\an8}[distorted theme music playing]

{\an8}[bell dinging]

-I need help. Hello? Ah! -Checking in.

-Welcome to Pastiches Malibu! -Great.

I see you have the six-week package, so... a hundred thousand dollars, please!

{\an8}A hundred thou-- Jesus!

{\an8}Does every room come with a free bag full of $90,000?

{\an8}-Can't put a price on clean living. -And yet somehow you found a way.

{\an8}Before I take you to your room, could we get a selfie?

{\an8}What? No.

Every client that comes here takes a picture with me.

{\an8}Goes on the wall. Kind of a tradition...

{\an8}I'm not in the mood. I look awful, first of all.

Johnny Depp did it, and he looked just as puffy and ghoulish as you do.

{\an8}Hey, groundhog. I said no. Why don't you go see your own shadow

{\an8}so I can get six more weeks of "Leave Me the Hell Alone"?

{\an8}I'm so sorry, sir.

{\an8}Thank you. Now if you'll kindly direct me to my room,

{\an8}I would like to begin the process of healing,

{\an8}so I can finally stop hurting the people around me, dipshit!

{\an8}♪ You throw a record on And your heart is racin' ♪

{\an8}♪ You start to move around While you dance in place ♪

{\an8}♪ And you think you're never wrong ♪

{\an8}♪ Oh, but you're so-so, honey ♪

{\an8}-[grunts] -♪ Oh, yeah, you're so-so, honey ♪

{\an8}[yawns]

{\an8}[grunts]

{\an8}♪ You start to sing along And your foot is tappin' ♪

{\an8}♪ I see you look around I caught you peeking at me ♪

{\an8}♪ You think you got it all ♪

{\an8}♪ Oh, but you're so-so, honey ♪

{\an8}♪ Oh, yeah, you're so-so, honey ♪

♪ If I knew I waited too long ♪

♪ I'd find a song to push the time along ♪

♪ Change works so well for you ♪

♪ 'Cause you're so-so, honey ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, you're so-so, honey ♪

[music stops]

[music resumes]

♪ You throw a record on And your heart is racin' ♪

♪ You start to move around While you dance in place ♪

♪ And you start to sing along ♪

♪ Your foot is tappin' Oh, you're so-so ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, you're so-so, honey ♪

[pants, sighs]

Oh.

So, when I went to the country club for Sheila's luncheon...

Yes. Let it out.

{\an8}I had to wear the same suit I had just worn to Sandra's tea party.

{\an8}-Yeah. -[woman] Oh.

{\an8}I think of that as my rock bottom. [sobs]

Denise, thank you for sharing your story. So brave.

Denise, we are powerless

-over our addictions -Uh-huh.

{\an8}We have a saying in rehab, "Everyone takes a different road

{\an8}to get to the same city, Soberopolis, USA."

Hold on a sec. What?

{\an8}BoJack, maybe you could tell us when was the first time you drank?

When wasn't the first time I drank?

{\an8}-Am I right? -[all laugh]

Your last day's tomorrow.

You think you're ready to go back into the world?

I do. I feel good, I feel clear.

You know, just because you cleaned the tobacco out of your teeth don't mean it's your wedding day, pardon the expression.

I don't believe that is an expression.

I notice you tend to deflect whenever I ask you about the source of your addiction.

I don't deflect. Hey, is that a new tie? Because I love it.

You understand a joke about deflection is still a deflection, right?

I came here to take responsibility for myself, and all I keep hearing is, "It's not your fault, you are powerless over your addiction."

-That is the first step. -And while we're at it, why 12 steps?

That is way too many. Nobody wants to do 12 of anything.

Did you see 12 Years a Slave and think, "Twelve. That's a short number of years to be a slave"?

-You're deflecting again. -I'm here because I made choices.

Nobody made me drink.

My addiction didn't pull a knife on me and say, "Hey, bub! Drink this alcohol, or I'm gonna strangle you.

After I put down this knife, which now seems unnecessary."

-We have a saying in the sober community. -No kidding.

"We want what our addictions want us to want, in the same way that our future is just a house built from the materials of our present on the blueprint that is our past."

See, usually the point of sayings is they illustrate complicated concepts via straightforward allegory.

I really admire that your sayings don't do that.

If you don't wanna be here, you don't have to wait until tomorrow.

The gate code is 12, for the number of steps, then my mom's birthday, which is March 4th, '56.

So, the gate code is one, two, three, four, five, six?

You can leave whenever you'd like. But is that really what you want?

[sighs] No.

It's so beautiful.

And I know a lot about art because my husband owns a Jackson Pollock. [chuckles]

My dad owns a signed picture of Kevin Pollak.

-[yelps] -What about you, BoJack?

Did you grow up in a house with a lot of art?

Well, my parents practiced the art of being terrible parents.

[laughter]

BoJack, you can't joke your way through this.

Everyone else in this group is trying hard to be honest.

Really? Everyone's being honest?

Doug over here, who keeps dressing in a suit and tie even though he's never getting his finance job back?

-[woman gasps] -Oh! Savage!

And Joan Tripplehorn?

We all know you're just Jeanne Tripplehorn wearing fake glasses!

-[all gasp] -[chuckles] What? No!

I'm Jeanne's identical twin Joan.

Mm, Jeanne Tripplehorn. Not an alcoholic.

And that guy with the fake mustache is obviously actor Jay Hernandez who's just here to do research for a role.

-[all gasp] -No. I'm a no "Hernandez."

Like I say, my name is Mario. Directed by Zack Snyder.

I'm addicted to pain pills from breaking too many bricks on my head.

BoJack's right! You all suck!

-Yeah, well, let's talk about Jameson. -Uh...

-I'd rather you not. -She would love to get sober but still has her friend McCaitlyn sneak her water bottles filled with vodka every visiting day.

-[all gasp] -Jameson?

-Um... -Have you been smuggling in alcohol?

How is this my fault? I blame water for being vodka-colored!

This is your fifth time in rehab.

-Maybe it's a sign it's not working, huh? -BoJack...

Everyone, just as a general rule, if you're checking into rehab more than once,

-either you're a lost cause... -[all gasp]

...or this is just an industry that profits off of repeat customers, so maybe they don't have your best interest at heart.

-Oh! -How's that for honest?

Mamma mia.

-[blows] -[door opens]

Hey, snitch! I only sneak in vodka because I have to make it through six weeks of this bullshit.

I don't even need to be here.

My dad totally overreacted when he found me not breathing.

Yeah, it's always someone else's fault, right?

-You have no idea what I've been through. -I know everything you've been through.

I listen in group! Your mom died of cancer.

Your dad stuck you in boarding school and remarried.

And now there's a new baby and no one pays attention to you.

But it's not his fault you're drinking in rehab.

I was sober for most of last year and he just waited for me to slip up so he could ship me here so I wouldn't embarrass him and ruin his new perfect family--

Hey, if you don't wanna be here, the gate code is one, two, three, four, five, six.

You could sneak out the upstairs window after midnight bed check by tying your sheets into a rope and nobody would notice you're gone until wake-up.

But... is that what you really want?

Ugh!

[door closes]

[studio audience laughing]

Holy sheet!

I've heard of being at the end of my rope... but this is ridiculous!

Why would Sabrina run away like that?

Because I had to break it to her that you weren't going to be her new mommy, international supermodel Cindy Crawfish!

When I was flying to Paris for Paris Fashion Week and my private plane crashed into your backyard, the one thing I never expected was to find someone so special.

-Oh. -[both chuckle]

[audience] Aw!

-Cut! That's a five, everyone! -[bell ringing]

So, look, you're doing everything great.

I'm loving your instincts, it's dead on, couldn't be better, perfect.

The one problem is the kiss got an "aw."

It's supposed to get an "Ooh!"

-Right? -I'm nervous, okay?

This is my first on-camera kiss, and it's with Cindy Crawfish.

You know how many guys would kill to be in your shoes?

What do I gotta do?

Kiss you on the lips myself to show you what a real kiss looks like?

-[kisses] -Ha-ha-ha!

-No. I'll handle it. -Well, I sure as hell hope so.

[gulps] Mm.

-Hey, what's in this orange juice? -Just a little extra punch.

Oh. No, no, I don't--

Trust me. It'll loosen you up.

The one thing I never expected... was to find someone so special.

-[Cindy] Hmm! -[audience] Ooh!

-[Herb] Love it! Cut and scene! -[bell ringing]

Hey, no way, the party's just beginning. Let's do one more take!

-You up for more acting, Cindy? -[audience whooping]

Well, if it's for the show.

Hey, Sharona, how 'bout some more of that OJ?

-[Jameson grunting] Whoa! Ow. -Huh?

[panting]

Holy sheet.

I've heard of being at the end of my rope, but this... is very serious!

-[exhales] -Jameson!

Don't cut the string that connects you to the kite that is you!

-[scoffs] What? -I don't know!

I was just trying to come up with one of those dumb rehab sayings!

McCaitlyn told me Dathan was thinking of breaking up with me because I got fat junior year.

So, I need to go show him that I'm back to being hot.

Then break up with him for being a shallow buck foy!

You don't need to do that.

Oh, what does it matter? We both know this place is bullshit!

So, why do you care what I do?

Because I'm the idiot who helped you escape.

So, if you OD tonight, then I'm the one who'll have to lie to everyone about what happened.

Well, I'm going.

You can come with me if you want.

[sighs] God damn it.

[party music playing]

[Jameson chuckles] Oh!

This is your boyfriend's house?

-You can't go in there. -I'll be fine.

I'll just find Dathan, crush him with my thigh gap,

-and then we can go. -[sighs]

Okay.

Dathan? Where are you?

It's me, Jameson H.!

[people laughing]

[gasps]

[panting]

[panting continues]

-[knocking on door] -[boy] Hey, who's in there?

-Um... -Is someone having sex in there?

I think there are people having sex in there.

Hey, it was just the nerd.

Definitely no one having sex in here.

-[thuds] -[grunts]

Um. Oh. Mm.

You're BoJack from Spanish 1, right?

-Uh, yeah. I mean, sí! -[chuckles]

Okay. "Sí" ya around. [chuckles]

Ah, yeah, bye, Katie.

Ugh.

-Hey! You want a beer, Horseman? -Oh, no, thank you.

I mean, drinking's cool, it's just that we're underage,

-and, you know, the law-- -I'm lifting 178 right now.

-[keg clangs] -[chuckles]

You know what? I'll have one beer.

[pops]

Okay, who am I? Who am I?

-"I'm Eric from chemistry class!" -[laughter]

That's so Eric! [chuckles]

He is so in chemistry class!

Speaking of losers, there's Josh!

Look, he's wearing K-Mart shoes because his family's poor!

[laughter]

Katie's not laughing because she always thinks she's better than everyone.

Hey, remember last year when one of Katie's boobs grew bigger than the other?

[groans] "Look at me, I'm Katie!"

[laughter continues]

[Katie sobs]

-Hey, you want some? -Oh, yeah. Bartender, one more.

[sighs]

-[Jameson screaming] -[gasps]

-What's wrong? -Dathan's sucking McCaitlyn's face!

Oh, my God. Jameson.

Okay. It is not what it looks like, I swear.

You're still doing it!

-I tried to make it easy on you, Jameson. -[both moaning]

I told you things weren't going great.

Oh, Dathan, touch my boob.

Do not touch her boob!

Jameson, it's not my fault you're a mess.

I mean, how many times have you been to rehab?

Yeah, Jameson.

[cries]

[Dathan and McCaitlyn moaning]

[crying]

Look, it's okay. You were gonna break up with him anyway.

-And your friend sucks. -No, they're right.

I'm a mess. And no one cares. God damn it! I might as well drink.

-No. You don't need a drink. -[grunts]

You need to get back to bed and get some sleep.

You're right. I'm gonna go home and sleep in my bed!

And when my dad shows up to ask why I'm not in rehab,

I'll be like, "Maybe you should go to rehab for your addiction to being a shitty dad, Dad!"

Okay, Jameson, you need to be responsible for yourself.

Now, I think that you should come back to Pastiches with me, like you promised.

But if you wanna go to your dad's house, all you have to do is steal Dathan's car, and I heard Michele with one "L" is about to jump naked into the pool, so everyone's gonna be distracted, which means this is the perfect time.

-But is that really what you want? -[car engine revving]

-[Jameson] Bye, BoJack! Thanks! -What the...

God damn it! [grunts]

Stupid... [mumbling]

-Oh. -[touch tones beeping]

[buzzing]

[sniffs] Hello?

I need you to find the address of some rich guy.

-BoJack? -All I know for sure is that he's the father of a girl named Jameson, who's super annoying.

I'm going to assume you have a good reason to locate a girl in the middle of the night, but I can't help you.

Fine! Be that way. Todd'll help me.

-Can you patch me through to Todd? -What? Call him yourself.

I don't know his number.

I only remember your number because it was such a dumb number with all those fours.

Four, four, six, four...

My phone number has a normal amount of fours.

You are not gonna make me self-conscious about--

And it ends with a three!

Talk about an anti-climax!

What kind of phone number ends with a three?

Shut up about my phone number!

-Hold for Todd. -[beeps]

Todd's phone. Your one-stop shop for all your Todd-related needs.

Todd, I need you to track down an address for me.

You're the world's best hacker, right?

Yeah, but not the kind of hacker you're thinking of.

-Funny story-- -Okay, I gotta go.

-I'm at Coachella... -Uh-huh.

Put my name on the wrong list, suddenly I've entered into a hacky sack competition!

-Right. -Prior to these events,

-I've never hacked a sack in my life. -Uh-huh.

But the only other contender is the Russian ringer they flew in special, so I'm thinking,

-"I've gotta win this for America!" -Uh-huh.

Long story short, the Russian had a heart attack, so I won by default!

Uh, does that answer your question?

I don't remember my question, but I'm gonna guess no.

-Oh, hold on, I'm getting another call. -[beeps]

Todd's phone! Spare the Todd, spoil the child!

Did you get the black market porcupine milk?

Yeah, I'll bring it right over.

Although, I'm not looking forward to getting on a crowded bus

-in Porcupine Town. -[grunts]

-Hold on. Getting another call. -[phone buzzes]

Hey, superstar! How are things goin' on set?

Well, the movie itself is coming together beautifully, but when I was on break playing with my model helicopter, it crashed into the studio water tower.

-Oh, no! -It gets worse!

It flooded the set of former VJ Downtown Julie Brown's new puppet show.

-What? -Completely ruining her vintage goose-feather dress she just bought and disrupting the big finale where her wooden puppet plays Beethoven's Fifth on the bongos!

Wait. You're telling me your dumb drone downed a tower and drowned Downtown Julie Brown's dummy drumming dum-dum-dum-dum, dousing her newly found, goose-down, hand-me-down gown?

-Yes, that is exactly right! -I'll be right down.

-Todd, I gotta go. -[beeps]

-Hmm. -[beeps]

[muffled music playing over speakers]

-So, sounds like rehab's goin' well, huh? -No!

[groaning]

Hey, give me my phone back.

I'm expecting some timely feedback on an important dick pic.

Hey, do you know where Jameson lives?

Jameson H.? Or Jameson Q.?

-Ugh, I don't know. -Or Jameson M.?

Where is the nearest Jameson?

-[door closes] -[BoJack] Whoa.

Is that the car from Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

Yeah, my dad loves movie memorabilia. And this car is his baby.

At least... No, it was his baby before the new baby came.

Now the new baby's the baby, which means the car is the new me, so where does that leave me? Nowhere.

What are you talking about?

He threw out all of my stuff and turned my room into the baby's room.

He got rid of my softball trophies, but he loves his stupid bat, naturally.

-And his dumb stupid car! -Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-[crying] -Parents are terrible.

But destroying things isn't gonna change them.

All you can change is you.

Ugh. Fine.

If I'm gonna get lectured anyway, I may as well go back to rehab.

-[glass shattering] -[woman moans]

Dad, you there?

Mom said since you didn't come home, I should bring you your dinner.

And she said to tell you she hopes you like cold, burnt pot roast that was spit on.

-[woman moaning] -Huh?

Dad?

There it is, coax it out of my sheath.

[gasps]

BoJack! What the devil!

I-- I'll get right on that memo, Mr. Horseman.

Okay, let me... Oops, oh. [chuckles]

Okay, let me just... Oh, you look so cute. Bye-bye. All right.

-What were you doing, Dad? -Oh.

It's fun to have you at the office, BoJack.

-You're really turning into a man. -I am?

I think you're old enough now to have a Jack and Coke.

Mm, nice and sweet.

Here's to our first drink as father and son.

[car horns honking]

[groans]

Huh?

-Did I fall asleep? I feel sick. -[laughs]

You went a little wild. You made a mess on my carpet, BoJack.

I think your mother would be very disappointed in you.

I'm sorry.

Maybe it's best if we both just forgot about everything that happened tonight.

-Okay, buddy? -Okay.

You know what? Screw your dad.

Whoa!

Hey! That's the titular club from The First Wives Club.

You're just a kid.

Why do you have to be responsible for all the ways he screwed you up?

Yeah!

[grunts]

It's not my fault I was born! He's the one who got my mom pregnant!

Yeah, and I bet your mom sucked too!

[gasps] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Chick ch'ka... Oh, no.

-Oh, my... -[thuds]

-[both sigh] -[car squeaks]

[glass cracking]

-Wha... -Oh, boy.

-[door opens] -[baby crying]

What the hell are you doing?

That's the giant window from The Graduate!

Oh.

Daddy, I didn't wanna leave rehab, but this scary old horse made me!

Hi, cutie! Mwah!

Okay, I'm ready to go back to rehab now. I'll go wait in the car!

Jameson... [sighs]

-Listen-- -Are you drunk or high?

-What? -Are you drunk or high right now?

-No. -[sighs]

I'm sorry she roped you into this.

You're not the first guy to help her break out of that rehab.

They always end up at my house.

And then they want me to keep quiet to the press, so they give me a souvenir from one of their movies.

I could send you a swag bag from Felicity Huffman's Booty Academy, but you should probably wash the thong before wearing it.

I don't know what to do with Jameson. I've tried everything.

I thought she would change after she had her baby, but...

[baby cooing]

Change is hard.

Takes a long time.

[sighs]

Let me guess, she wanted to see her boyfriend?

Actually... she told me she just wanted to come here to see her baby.

[sighs] Wouldn't that be nice?

Bye, Daddy! Love you!

-Ugh. Sorry my dad's so embarrassing. -Jesus Christ.

You have no idea how lucky you are.

I wish I had someone when I was your age who cared about me enough to put me in rehab.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, anyway, thanks for keeping me out of trouble tonight.

Really?

It was a worth a try. Ready to sneak back in?

I'm getting too old to sneak in and out of places.

All right.

[bell dinging]

-Checking in? -No.

I just snuck out and I'm coming back, so, you know, put me down for kitchen clean-up duty or whatever the punishment is for sneaking out.

No, I don't think you've been here before.

Everyone who's been here before is humble enough to take a picture with me.

[sighs] Yeah. Okay.

Sign me up for six weeks. Starting now.

-And a picture? -Sure.

-Cheese! -[camera shutter clicks]

[melancholic piano music playing]

[record playing]

[snoring]

[whimpers]

[gulps]

♪ Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show ♪

-♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪ -♪ Bojack ♪

♪ BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'm just trying To make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack ♪