Home > BoJack Horseman

Feel-Good Story

[Diane] The series is called Crooshing USA.

[man] What does that mean?

Crooshness is hard to define, but I also don't know it when I see it.

Oop. Pardon my reach.

Well, I'm always trying to get more girls interested in agriculture.

You might say I've got my eyes on them. Potato eyes, that is.

-Guy? -[Guy] Mm-hmm.

Hey, girls! It's Diane, outside Idaho's largest potato supplier,

-Starch Farms. -Hello!

Let me get this straight.

Your farm harvests five types of potatoes, two types of onions, and is also a front for a local sex trafficking ring?

-[gasps] -How'd you get started in sex trafficking?

Uh...

[panting]

I don't think I'm getting that microphone back.

{\an8}This is the second straight year this Michigan resort's food

{\an8}has tested positive for avian botulism.

{\an8}Wow, two years in a row.

{\an8}It's like the Tom Hanks of poisoning people.

{\an8}They said the jewelry is safe for humans now,

{\an8}but I've been wearing this for a week, and...

{\an8}[groans]

{\an8}Can we get more B-roll so we have something to cut away to when I have to scratch my nose?

I thought scratching your nose was your way of saying hello to me.

{\an8}Don't you find it a little convenient that the mayor has yet to restore

{\an8}clean drinking water to this part of--

{\an8}No, it's quite in-convenient. You think this is convenient?

The East Side is a lower-income area, ergo the residents are not huge campaign donors, ergo--

No, the mayor didn't target that neighborhood, he was just that stupid when it came to water filtration.

He was just stupid enough to think he wouldn't get caught, ergo--

Say "ergo" one more time.

-Ergo. -Nah.

-No, no, no, no. -[Diane giggles]

{\an8}This is Diane Nguyen...

{\an8}This is Diane... This is Di...

{\an8}This is Diane Nguyen, and that's the Croosh!

-[Guy mumbles] Let me see. -Did you hear about Philip Morris Disney Fox

AT&T AOL Time Warner PepsiCo Haliburton Skynet Toyota Trader Joe's?

-What about them? -They got acquired by Whitewhale.

Oh, shit. Well, how many companies are there now?

Four? [gasps]

-What is it? -I'm sorry, Diane.

Look, I asked for two beds, I swear.

-Huh. -I mean, this is unprofessional. One bed!

What are we supposed to do with just one bed?

Quite a pickle.

I should march right back down to that front desk and tell them--

[both moaning]

Thank you... [chuckles] for helping me with my one bed bit.

-[both moan] -It's a good bit.

{\an8}[theme music playing]

[BoJack's voice] Dear Diane, hello.

-[Guy snores] -This is a letter.

Rehab is making me write a letter to a friend

because I guess letter writing is therapeutic?

I hear it did wonders for the Zodiac killer.

Anyway, rehab's going fine. A lot of hikes and movie nights and yoga,

and I think next week, we're doing a color war.

And it's good that I'm here, and it's good that I'm not drinking

or taking pills, but I keep thinking about how this isn't real life.

It's summer camp. Temporary. Easy.

As nice as this is, I know that someday I'll have to go back to the real world.

Hey, Lady, listen, can you put him on the phone, please?

I don't care if he doesn't wanna talk to me. I'm his father. No, Lady--

[Guy groans angrily]

[BoJack's voice] Anyway, that's my letter.

I probably won't even send it, but if you're reading this, I guess I did?

Your friend, BoJack.

P.S. Horseman.

{\an8}I'm only in Chicago for a week.

{\an8}I don't think it's selfish to wanna see my son.

{\an8}Yeah, but you gotta give your ex notice.

{\an8}Whose side are you on?

{\an8}Uh... Hey, look out the window.

{\an8}[Guy] Wow, there she is!

{\an8}The second windy, muddy, big-shoulders city by the lake.

Look! Willis Tower. Oh, and look, the new Whitewhale building!

You cannot be excited about a giant corporation like Whitewhale setting up shop in your hometown.

I'm just excited we got a new big building.

{\an8}-In your face, Dubai. -[chuckles]

{\an8}[man gasps and pants]

-Hmm... -Ah...

{\an8}-Not bad. -It's because the bread

{\an8}is made from lake water and lard.

{\an8}-[phone buzzes] -From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro.

{\an8}Today, your phone is ringing.

{\an8}Here's what you need to know about people who still use their phone to call people.

Hey, Stefani.

Hey, girl!

-No, no, it's Guy. -[Stefani] Hey, Guy!

I got you on speaker. Diane's eating the best sandwich of her life.

-It's okay. -[Stefani exhales]

Diane, I love that you still eat sandwiches.

Flaws like that are what make you relatable to regular women.

-[gulps] What? -Meanwhile,

I am adoring your cross-country exposition of the ugly underbelly of American capitalism.

{\an8}So croosh.

{\an8}But I wonder if you could make room in the rotation

{\an8}for a few feel-good stories?

Stefani, our videos are making a difference.

Yeah, a difference in how bummed I am.

There's gotta be some good news out there.

-[sighs] -We'll see what we can do!

-Why'd you say yes? -We can do feel-good stories.

What about that girl who opened up a lemonade stand to pay for her dad's cancer treatment?

How is that a feel-good story?

"Hey, America! We're the only developed nation without subsidized healthcare, so this child joined the workforce in a desperate bid to keep her father alive!"

Okay. How 'bout this?

{\an8}Local cameraman has a pretty good thing going,

{\an8}where he gets to travel all over the country

{\an8}and fool around in hotel rooms with his beautiful, smart, feisty producer...

{\an8}and he's pretty sure this passionate, intelligent, warrior for truth likes it too, so maybe these two knuckleheads should swallow their pride for a second and make some feel-good videos.

Hey, girls.

-Hey, Diane. -Hey.

Tell me about the Every Animal Girl Company.

We are two best friends who got tired of seeing dolls promoting unrealistic beauty standards.

Take Ginny here.

Most giraffe dolls have necks one inch shorter by scale than the average girl giraffe.

Not our Ginny.

Her neck is long and proud, for all our necky gals out there.

As a necky gal, I love that.

And is it true that all your dolls are made out of recycled material?

-Uh... No. -Yes!

-Sorry? -Well, traditionally...

-[overlapping dialogue] -The first batch, um...

The important thing is we're two best friends.

Okay, what's going on?

Uh... [giggles nervously]

Okay. We are excited to announce that as of today, the Every Animal Girl Company has been purchased by Toys Galore, a subsidiary of Whitewhale Consolidated Interests.

Yay! Toys Galore!

-Uh... -Huh?

"Yay..."

A small, independent start-up bought out by a huge conglomerate.

It must be so empowering to see your success grow.

What a happy story for two best friends. Now, about the recycled materials?

Well, it's unclear what role recycling will play in the future of this company.

Right now, we're mainly focused on empowering young girls and closing the main Chicago factory so we can relocate overseas for cheaper labor.

Right before the holidays!

[clears throat] Feel-good.

[strained] What an exciting, empowering time for you!

I know.

You think you can edit that down into something feel-goody?

For sure. It'll have to go up late, though, because I'm having some friends over to watch the game tonight.

God, I'm freezing.

-Aw. -So, you, uh...

-You wanna watch the game with us? -Are you asking me to meet your friends?

No, I just figure, since you're staying with me anyway--

I would be delighted. Wait, it's not the Chicago Baby Humans game, is it?

It's just a mascot.

[reporter] And there goes Waa-Waa, the Baby Human, stumbling around

like the furless, featherless dolt he is.

What's he got there? Don't drink that poison, you crazy human!

-We don't drink poison. -Diane, he's not a literal human.

Waa-Waa is a tribute to your proud human heritage.

-I'm very flattered. -Anyway, meet the gang.

Everyone, this is Diane. My, um...

Ah... You know, my-- The woman that I work with.

-[all] Hi. -[man] 'Sup, dude?

-Hmm... -You okay?

Yeah. Sorry, just-- I'll be right back.

[doorbell rings]

[sighs]

-Diane, I'm really sorry, but-- -It's fine.

I wasn't expecting, ya know, in front of your friends.

-He just showed up. -We haven't put a label on us.

-I'm not looking for-- -The speech and debate tournament

-was canceled on account of cyberbullying. -Wait, what are you talking about?

-My son is here. He surprised me. -Oh, shit.

I usually don't bring women around my kid unless it's serious.

-I get it. -Do you mind staying at a hotel?

-Oh, yeah. Totally. -He'll be gone first thing tomorrow.

What if he sees me go out? Is the coast clear?

-You should maybe go out the window. -[grunts]

This makes sense. But what about my stuff?

I'll pack your bag and throw it out to you.

Okay, good. Bye. Thank you for inviting me to your party.

You have a lovely home.

[BoJack's voice] Dear Diane, hello. I am writing you another letter.

Today sucks. There's this new lady here, Beverly, and she took my snack kit.

And that is so classic Beverly. Probably. I just met her.

The whole point of the snack kits is they're communal, right?

They're these bags full of snacks that we take on our morning hikes,

and we put them together the night before as, like, a team-building thing.

Yesterday, I decided to throw an extra bag of candied nuts into a snack kit,

something just for me.

And I marked my bag with a "B"

so I'd know which one to grab in the morning.

"B" for "BoJack."

-[groans angrily] -But then today, I see Beverly,

who, again, just got here, waltzing around the house

with my snack kit, saying, "Oh, somebody made a special kit just for me!

B for Beverly! I must have a secret admirer!"

Again, just got here!

-[shivering] -The story of my life

is that I never get anything nice.

You'd think that I'd learn to adjust my expectations by now.

But, no. Once again,

I was the idiot who got my hopes up about candied nuts,

and now I am disappointed with no one to blame but myself.

-[sighs] -Anyway, what's new with you?

[scoffs] Just kidding, you can't say anything, this is a letter!

Okay, talk soon. BoJack.

-[crickets chirping] -[phone buzzes]

From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro.

Today, your--

-Hello? -[Stefani] Diane, your last video--

Okay, I know it wasn't as feel-good as maybe you wanted--

Are you kidding? I feel great!

You made a big impression with the guys at Whitewhale.

-Really? -I'll say. They bought Girl Croosh!

-What? -Well, technically they bought Fuddruckers and merged it with Dow Chemical to create a new media venture called Spronk!

-[Diane] Hold on-- -Spronk acquired Univision, which will incorporate Girl Croosh into the Gizmodo-branded mist of advertorial.

-That's terrible! -Not for me! I'm gonna be rich!

-You already are rich! -Oh, yeah! [giggles]

Oops. Well, anyway, good luck with Spronk, which is currently rebranding as Content Spew.

So spew that content, girl! [giggles]

Bye!

Oh, spronk me.

[sputters]

Pardon our dust while we finish construction.

Can I get you a Pepsi Cola? Or anything else from the vast Whitewhale agglomeration of fine beverages? [sputters]

Uh, I think we're good.

Hmm.

[beep]

-I'm sorry about last night. -It's fine. Let's just watch the movie.

{\an8}Welcome! Here at Whitewhale Consolidated Interests,

{\an8}we do it all through the free-market magic of the Whitewhale Way!

[both] That's right, Mr. Whitewhale!

Who? Why? Where? Whence forth are you two,

and how did you manifest in my office? Be gone, ghastly ghouls!

{\an8}[giggles] We're no spooky specters! My name's Vert!

{\an8}Vertical Integration!

{\an8}And I'm Ollie, the Oligopoly.

You summoned us here to tell your new employees about the Whitewhale Way!

Well, best be quick about it, you unholy apparitions.

The Whitewhale Way was developed by Ezekiel Whitewhale,

who started small with a modest petroleum refinery he inherited from his father.

[Ollie] One day he looked around and said,

"Wait one minute!

While I'm refining this oil, someone else is getting rich drilling it,

and another someone's sellin' it to the common commuter!"

So, he bought his own rig and opened a chain of gas stations.

By controlling both the means of production and the delivery system,

Ezekiel cornered the market and choked out the competition

until they had no choice but to sell to him, too!

And that's vertical integration! [burps]

[giggles] Pardon me.

F-f-f-f-fast-forward to the 1980s,

when Jeremiah took our company to the next level.

[Vert] He bought a telephone company, a sports team, and when he didn't like

the way the newspapers were talking about him,

-he bought his own newspaper! -[Ollie chomps]

Well, I must have been a hungry whale because I just kept gobbling up companies.

Fast-forward to today, and it looks like I gobbled up you!

-[chuckles] -Are we supposed to be charmed by this?

Welcome to the Whitewhale family. Everywhere you are, that's where we'll be.

Here's a list of your new sister companies.

Please be mindful of them as you spew your content. [sputters]

So we can't make videos about any of these subsidiaries?

Monsanto, JP Morgan Chase, Marie Osmond?

Oh! There it is, the Every Animal Girl Company.

You don't really think Whitewhale bought Girl Croosh just to kill our video?

And you couldn't just tell a feel-good story about two friends who started a business.

Maybe this is for the best.

You can get a new job in Chicago, spend more time with your kid.

Yeah, and you can go back to LA, where you won't have to borrow my coat all the time.

-[giggles] -Didn't you wanna write another book?

I have this book of essays I've been brewing in my head.

It's called, One Last Thing and Then I Swear to God I'll Shut Up

About This Forever: Dispatches from the Frontlines of the War on Women:

Arguments, Opinions, Reflections, Recollections, The Razor Tax--

Is this still the title?

I kind of got lost in the middle and couldn't find a way out.

No, no, it's good,

I just think you want to save some of it for the inside of the book.

[sighs] I guess that's it for us, though, right?

-I guess so. Unless it isn't it for us? -What do you mean?

What if we did one more video about anything we wanted and posted it on the website before they realize we still have all the passwords?

-We could do a story about Whitewhale. -Oh, yeah!

Now, there's a feel-good story.

Me feeling good about takin' those assholes down!

Diane, this is Isabel, star reporter at The Tribune.

She's been hunting Whitewhale for years.

-Call me... Isabel. -Okay.

All my days, the beast has haunted me.

The hunt consumes my every waking moment.

You might even say Whitewhale is my... green light at the end of the dock.

-What? -That's a Gatsby reference. Read a book.

Isabel, be nice.

I wish I had the energy, but my obsession has ruined me.

Destroyed my relationships, obliterated my career. And for nothing.

I had one contact on the warehouse floor, Matt Minnowman.

-Hmm. -Then he disappeared.

-Maybe there's your story. -Not your story?

Mm. My editor thought I was getting "too invested" in the Whitewhale beat, so he moved me to the Holiday Gift Guide desk.

Now the search for the season's hot toy torments my waking days.

Are spirographs the new fidget spinners? The answer eludes me at every turn.

[Diane] I can't believe it. We got a lead.

Hey, do you wanna walk back to my place?

Are you kidding? It's so cold. How is it snowing in October?

There are basically two seasons here: bitter winter, unbearable humidity.

-You'll learn to love it. -[giggles]

-[Diane gasping] -[both giggling]

[BoJack's voice] Dear Diane, I'm sure you are dying to know

how this Beverly secret admirer situation is going,

-so I'll cut right to the chase. -[Guy] Oh!

I started writing "BH" on my snack kits to clear up any confusion

about who the extra nuts are for.

But now Beverly thinks "BH" stands for Beverly, here-ya-go.

"Beverly here ya go"? Why would the "H" stand for--

-[Guy and Diane moan] -You know what? Doesn't matter.

The dumbest part is that Beverly doesn't even eat candied nuts.

-[Diane moaning] -She's allergic.

So she usually just ends up

-giving her nuts to me. -[Guy snores]

Doctor Champ would probably say that means something.

That the universe has a way of looking out for us if we just stop fighting it, but...

I don't know.

Anyway, I guess it's working.

Hope things are working for you, too. BoJack.

[keyboard clacking]

Were you up all night?

I was following up on this Matt Minnowman.

Turns out there was an "accident" at the warehouse.

-What? -He stayed late to finish some work.

"Look at me, I'm just doing some work. It's no big deal."

Next morning, they found him dead.

Oh, shit.

This guy was trying to get the word out about working conditions, and then he died in the warehouse.

I got the names of some coworkers, let's get our hands on the security footage.

Did you know your cereal was made by Whitewhale?

I threw it out to be safe.

Microchips-- Oh, my God, you're looking at me like I'm crazy.

You think I'm obsessed. Am I totally scaring you off right now?

No. You're glowing.

Hmm.

[keyboard clacking]

We were working 17-hour days.

We were spread thinner than a shitty New York slice of pizza and working harder than the '96 Bulls.

[Guy] Okay, so Matt's stationed here...

So, what, he walked to the other side of the room just to die?

That's where he died, all right.

Management left his body out there on the floor.

Almost like it was a warning to the other workers.

Wow.

I just don't think you can attribute it to intentional cruelty.

-It's callousness. -Can't it be both?

Whitewhale's not evil. They're just capitalists.

What's the difference?

From New York Times, I'm Michael Barbaro. Today--

-Hello? -Mister Whitewhale would like to meet you at the Chicago Whitewhale building tomorrow at 2:00.

Bring your camera. [sputters]

Oh, shit. If they know what we're doing, why would they wanna talk to us?

I guess we'll find out.

I'm kind of weirdly excited.

-Hey. I got you something. -What? Shut up!

-Huh. -Ah.

-You don't like it. -No, I love it.

It's just I won't get much use out of a coat like this in LA.

No. It's for here.

Is this your way of asking me to move to Chicago?

[chuckles] No. Not everything is some kind of secret underhanded conspiracy.

-Sometimes a coat's just a coat. -Okay.

But I also don't know why it's so obvious that you go back to LA.

-I live there. -But there's nothing for you there.

Excuse me?

I just don't understand why you're so into punishing yourself.

I am not--

And it's not just yourself, because every time you get cold,

-guess who has to give you his coat. -Oh, sorry, does that inconvenience you?

No. [sighs]

I just don't know why I should suffer because you have this ideological objection to feeling good.

Are you-- I would love to feel good.

What a luxury. How nice for you that you can do that while the world burns around you.

This is not even about the world, this is about you and me.

"You and me"? What's "you and me"?

-Don't-- -No, no, tell me, Guy, please, because I would love some clarification. Am I your girlfriend?

Am I the, um, "you know, woman that I work with"?

-Come on, Diane. -What is this?

I... Just take the coat.

I think I should go back to the hotel.

[sighs]

[Diane shudders]

[birds chirping]

I didn't know if you'd come.

Well, we got a job to do, right? Could get chilly up there.

I don't know what kind of video you're putting together, but I wanted to let you know I don't mind.

You're not gonna stop us.

I don't want to stop you, I just said that.

See, when you put out stories about us being "evil" or "callous" or whoever the bad guy in Harry Potter is, people think our business is uncompromised by morality and our stock goes up.

So, it doesn't bother your shareholders that one of your employees died in a work-related accident?

-What accident? -Matt Minnowman's body was found in your warehouse.

Oh, him, sure! But that was no accident. I killed him.

-What? -I murdered him!

Like murdered murdered him?

Well, I didn't murder-of-crows him.

He took too many bathroom breaks and encouraged the other employees to take bathroom breaks as well.

And you're not worried it's going to get out that you killed an employee?

Like in the video we're shooting right now?

Didn't you hear? Congress just passed a bill legalizing murder if you're rich.

-No, they didn't-- Oh, my God, they did! -What?

Hold on. Just because it passed the House doesn't mean the Senate will--

Really, Diane?

Okay, but the president could still veto--

Really, Diane?

All right, sure, but the Supreme Court. Okay, I get it.

Look, don't take it so hard.

If you wanna do something about it, just make a billion dollars and murder me!

[both cackle]

Barbara, let's make sure they get a nice Whitewhale Company gift bag

-on their way out. -[sputters]

Well, we can still post the video.

Why?

Yeah, right, well, um, safe travels. It's been real.

Yeah. It's been real.

I'm not gonna beg you to stay if that's what you're waiting for.

I'm not waiting for anything.

I'm not that guy who says, "Diane, please don't go, I'm in love with you.

Stay here in Chicago and write your book of essays and come with me to baseball games.

They've got a pretty good theater scene here and a big shiny bean and you could...

[sighs]

You could be so happy in your warm winter coat."

-I don't need you to say-- -I'm not gonna be that guy, all right?

But if you wanted to stay, I could make things so good for you, Diane.

-Listen-- -No, no, I get it.

No, listen. Guy.

I feel so shitty all the time.

I feel like the whole world is pushing in on me, except for when I'm with you.

You have been such a good thing for me.

But I can't be with you if you're the only good thing in my life.

It's too much pressure. I'm sorry.

-Diane! Don't get on that train! -[scoffs]

-Guy, I just told you-- -I know, but you're going to the airport.

That train's going to Cottage Grove, you're gonna get screwed!

Oh, no.

{\an8}[BoJack's voice] Dear Diane, it was Beverly's last day yesterday.

{\an8}Everyone is real excited for her, but she spent the whole day sulking

because she never found out who her secret admirer was.

Frankly, it was getting pretty annoying, so finally I just say,

"It was me! I'm in love with you!"

And she goes, "Oh. I was hoping it was Mario."

And then she starts crying.

And everyone looks at me like, "Way to go, you made Beverly cry on her last day."

So, the thing I keep thinking about is...

was it worth it for Beverly to be happy for a little bit,

even though it ended up sad?

Or would it have been better if the whole thing never happened?

Every time someone leaves rehab...

it makes you think about your own progress.

Some days it feels like you're not progressing at all, other days you think,

"Well, maybe a little."

The main thing I think about is how stupid I am

that I didn't do this sooner.

I wasted so many years being miserable because I assumed

that was the only way to be.

But I don't wanna do that anymore.

Also, am I crazy or have I gotten really good at writing letters?

[sighs]

This is BoJack, by the way.

-[phone beeps] -[line ringing]

-Hey. -Hey.

I was thinking about these grilled cheese sandwiches I used to make, back when I first moved to LA.

-What? -I was dirt-broke, and I had no friends and no job, and I got obsessed with perfecting the art of the grilled cheese sandwich.

-Makes sense. -Partly because it was cheap, but also because while I was doing it,

I wasn't thinking about how depressing my life was.

Okay.

So, on the plane I was thinking,

I should make another grilled cheese sandwich because I haven't in a long time, but I love them and they always make me feel better about things.

-Look, Diane, I gotta-- -And the thing about making your own grilled cheese sandwich is you can do it anywhere. You know?

Yeah?

Yeah. So, I guess that's another good thing.

♪ I lost my way on a trip Meant for two ♪

♪ We left our hearts In a suitcase unused ♪

♪ High above Chicago I'll be home tomorrow ♪