Home > BoJack Horseman

A Quick One, While He's Away

[monks chanting]

-[waves crashing] -[bell tolling]

A hummingbird smiled at me on my walk this morning.

In small pleasures such as this, I'm reminded of the presence of the Lord.

-As you ought. -And yet...

-No. -Out with it, Sister Marguerite.

To hesitate is to waste time, which is a sin when time could be elsewise spent in prayer, or handwashing Monsignor Toscani's 1962 Alfa Romeo, which is itself a form of prayer, is it not?

Of course. Yet I find myself consumed by thoughts of my past.

You have no past. You've confessed.

Your sins have been washed clean.

This is like day one stuff, what are we talking about here?

The people I've hurt, the lives I've ruined, are they washed clean as well?

Your regrets are of no benefit to the Lord.

Ruminating so is a solipsism unbefitting a sister of the cloth.

Is it solipsism to be concerned with the fates of others?

Perhaps one could argue cloistering oneself from the world is itself a form of solipsism.

[stammers] If one were being ungenerous.

Remember when you first arrived here and you didn't talk for like two years?

I will trouble you no further, Mother.

Lord, how you challenge me with so vexing a pupil.

-[car engine starts] -Hmm?

[shouts] What dereliction is this?!

When you get to Heaven, look up Margo Martindale!

I won't be there, but my movies will!

-[tires screech] -[Margo shouts]

{\an8}[theme music playing]

{\an8}I wanna know what's changed since the strike.

Are assistants treated better or have things reverted to business as usual?

{\an8}Yeah, give me ten inches. I also want a roast beef sub.

{\an8}-Six inches. -[intercom beeps]

-[woman] Paige Sinclair is on her way up. -Ah, shit.

She's the best reporter this building's ever seen, but, goddamn, is that woman a pain in the ass.

[Paige] Colleagues!

Your eyes do not deceive!

You may find my gown overly formal for the workplace, but that is because I am, as of today formerly a member of this vaulted institution.

As I'm to be wed tonight and the newsroom is no room for a domesticated woman,

-I bid you farewell. -[man screams]

Okay, goodbye.

Yes, mine was a storied run as the star reporter for "The Reporter."

"Front Page Paige," they called me!

-Well, we'll miss you, Paige. -Indeed.

My shoes don't fill easy, my left foot striking a more robust silhouette than her starboard sister.

{\an8}But I cannot prolong my engagement.

{\an8}After all, time, as they say, is a river without banks.

{\an8}Time may not have banks, but this periodical certainly does.

Maximillian Banks, at my service!

[scoffs] Maximilian Banks.

{\an8}I may lack your nose for news, but I've got an eyeball for a highball!

{\an8}Why, this man couldn't string together two clauses

{\an8}without ending on a preposition.

{\an8}I don't know what you're referring to.

You could fill a library with all the things you don't know.

In fact, they do. They call them libraries.

Guys, we're trying to work here.

No matter, I shan't be staying.

My sweet betrothed, Baxter Bellamy, awaits with champagne to chauffeur me directly to my nuptials,

{\an8}and I didn't think I'd visit long,

{\an8}so I left him in the car with the windows up. [chuckles]

Good, I've got business to attend to as well.

{\an8}I'll have you know it's almost time for my mid-morning confabulation

{\an8}with a former stage mother to the stars, Mrs. Carol Himmelfarb-Richardson.

You've been taking those phone calls?!

Yes, she is as loony as a Canadian dollar,

{\an8}but she is a scintillating conversationalist.

Oh? What about the conversation scintillates?

She calls every day to see if we have any information on her dead daughter.

-The answer's always no. -Sounds like a scoop.

It's not. It's a pop star who overdosed. Open-and-shut case.

-All the better for opening and shutting. -Why do you have that?

{\an8}Baxter, my boy, my dear sweet beautiful bridegroom,

{\an8}best put the champagne on ice.

I've got a story that simply demands my attention and I just couldn't marry you before it's settled.

{\an8}I'd only be distracted, which isn't fair to you or me.

{\an8}Oh, darling, I've already committed to being your wife.

What, you need to hear a few measly words?

Well, "I do." Does that satisfy?

I do, I do, I do,

{\an8}and I do want you to wait for me to ring you again shortly.

{\an8}[snorts] I knew you'd understand.

Oh. Mm! [snorts]

Now, as to the girl. I smell beans. Spill 'em.

The girl's name was Sharon Lynn.

{\an8}It's Sarah Lynn.

{\an8}Hmm...

♪ Don't you touch my prickly muffin ♪

{\an8}Did you ever notice that this music video takes place in a planetarium,

{\an8}-and Sarah Lynn died in a planetarium? -Huh.

-Uh... Hey, Tawnie. -[music stops]

Are we going to this party?

I didn't come all the way down to Manhattan to just watch you watch your boyfriend be on the internet at his parents' fancy house.

{\an8}Don't parent-shame him, Hollyhock.

{\an8}It's not Trey's fault he grew up in an Upper Westside brownstone.

{\an8}Also, I'm not her boyfriend. We're uncomplicated like that.

Come on! We're missing the party.

{\an8}What? No. If we show up before 2:00, everyone's gonna think we're losers.

Fine. But can't we do something else while we wait? [gasps]

Let's explore the city!

-[sighs] -[siren wailing]

The Big Apple.

There she is.

Apparently, there's a bar around here called Hartigan's.

My cousin and his friends call it "They-Don't-Cardigan's." I don't get it.

Wow, a real New York bar. That could be cool.

Yeah, a bar! But how often are we in New York?

Let's go to the top of the Empire State Building, like the big ape in that movie, Sleepless in Seattle!

All right! Big building!

[thunder rumbling]

Lord, we thank You for this bounty-- Ella?

That place you sent me didn't fix me.

Because I am not a thing to be fixed, Daddy.

Have a seat. We're havin' bacon-blasted chicken fingers from Chicken-4-Dayz.

I'm not staying. I'm going to a place where the people accept me.

You sit your ass in that chair, Ella, because that place is right here.

Oh, Daddy!

That's what I wish I'd said.

I haven't seen Ella in four years, but every night I bring home dinner,

I get an extra bucket of bacon-blasted chicken fingers just for her, so that if she ever comes home...

she'll know that she's welcome at our table.

Huh?

Kelsey Jannings, our little indie film darling,

I think I speak for both of us when I say gooba, gooba, hey, yah, yah!

Tears. Feel my cheeks. Damp cheeks over here.

I do notice it's not as Chicken-4-Dayz-focused as maybe it seemed in the outline stage?

Talk us through your journey there.

What do you want? You want a close-up of the bucket?

Ooh, I think that would make it feel like a commercial, and what's so innovative about this content is that it's not a commercial.

Right, I forgot about the innovative part of it. Excuse me.

Our target demo responds poorly when they feel they're being advertised to, but they love stories that engage them on their level, utilizing themes of inclusivity, as well as dunking on the olds.

Ah, yes, teens love dunking on olds, is there any way to get more of that in?

-Well, we already shot the ad. -Not an ad.

The immersive product placement journey.

But maybe I can find takes that are in more of a dunking tone, as well as shots that highlight more prominently but do not feature the bucket of chicken-bacon finger-blasters.

Thank you for letting us help you share your beautiful vision with the world.

No. Thank you.

[bicycle bell rings]

[scoffs] I'm sorry, it's bullshit.

A gig's a gig.

And Vassar doesn't accept indie cred in lieu of my daughter's tuition.

I just don't believe it. You're a way better director than I am.

If you'd told me that one day you'd be doing chicken commercials--

-Not a commercial. -That you'd be doing sponsored content pre-roll for Beverly Hillbillies reruns on Gronkle while I'm directing another action-adventure blockbuster, this one set in the world of competitive ballroom dancing, working title, "Balls to the Wall," if you'd told me that...

You'd be super-stoked?

Yeah, first, I'd be really stoked, but then eventually, I would get around to being outraged.

-[coughing] -[groans]

It is fun that we're both working on the same lot, though.

-Right? -Yeah.

-[cell phone buzzing] -Sorry.

-What now? -[man speaking indistinctly]

Again? Okay.

-Yeah. I'll talk to her. -[phone beeps]

What are these new pages? Why do I have new pages?

You don't like the new pages?

[groans] The content of the pages is not the issue, Justin.

-Yeah. -I spent time preparing the other pages.

You understand?

I rehearsed them. I studied them. That's precious time I'll never get back!

And then some person-- I don't know this person--

And by the way, I don't like strange persons knocking on my door and then letting themselves in. The knock is so I can tell you to enter.

If you just enter, what is the purpose of the knock?

You're right, of course.

My point is about the pages. Why are you throwing new things at me?

The insurance guys are nixing the car chase.

We had to think fast, so we put together a new hand-to-hand combat scene we're gonna throw on top of the meringue number.

-So, it's a stunt? -I thought you'd be excited.

I'm excited! It's more time spent on your face.

Ever since I directed you in that episode of "FBI: Female Body Inspectors,"

I thought... [chuckles] "I gotta give this woman her close-up."

Don't produce me, Justin.

[sighs] Is there choreography? When am I learning this stunt?

April's gonna be on set. She'll make sure you understand the stunt.

-And it's gonna be safe? -We are taking every precaution.

And we are not gonna shoot until you are 100 percent comfortable.

Thank you. I didn't mean to bite your head off.

-I just don't like being surprised, okay? -Totally my fault.

I should've warned you.

Is there something else going on that I should know about?

I'm fine. I'm actually being really cool here.

I'm not some kind of monster just because I don't like surprises.

I'm number one on the call sheet. I'm entitled to a little respect.

No, you're right.

I mean, I've worked on projects where the number one on the call sheet was like an actual crazy person, so I think I'm being really cool.

-You are being so cool. -Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

[Gina] Can you wait until you're out of earshot to make your exasperated sighs, please?

Yes, sorry!

[jazz music playing]

[all] Huh? [dogs panting]

[chuckles] Kelsey! You can't compare yourself to Justin Kenyon.

-What's the difference? -The difference is he has a great agent.

[chuckles] That was a joke, but I see you're in no mood.

I'm a good director.

Yes, but Justin's movies make actual money.

The last big movie you were on, you got fired off of.

Explain this to me.

I didn't break into the Nixon Library alone and yet I'm the only one whose career has suffered.

Why do you think that is?

Kelse, I don't know by what fancy the fates push us about in their great cosmic dance.

-I am but an agent. -What about these stories I keep hearing about how people wanna hire more female directors?

Oh, they want to, they want to so bad. Just not for this particular project.

Which particular project?

Anyone. I mean, you name it. Whatever Paul Feig's doing.

You need to get me out of director jail.

Even Roman Polanski works more than I do, and he should be in actual jail.

[laughs] Yeah, for his last couple of movies, at least, right? Woof!

No. Not for his last couple of movies.

Carol, be a doll and tell this dame what you told me.

I just don't understand why my daughter would start using again.

She was sober. She was going to AA meetings.

You suspect foul play?

Listen to this, the last voicemail I ever got from her,

-a month before she died. -[beeps]

[Sarah Lynn] Hey, Mommy.

I got out of a meeting and we're making amends, so I just wanted to say I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment. [chuckles]

I'm sorry my platinum records clashed with the chic minimalism of your new sun room.

And I'm sorry I didn't introduce you as my older sister when we met David Hasselhoff at the Kids' Choice Awards.

And I'm sorry I've never been enough for you, Mommy!

What an angel. She just wanted me to be happy.

What is the "we"?

-What? -Yeah! At the beginning.

She says, "We're making amends." Who's this "we"?

[camera shutter clicking]

You know, we don't have to go to this party if you don't want to.

What? I'm the one who keeps saying, "Let's go to the party."

The only reason I came down here was so we could go to this party and get drunk.

Come on. I've gone to like a hundred parties with you.

You always say you're gonna drink, and you never do, which is fine, by the way!

No one's ever offered me a drink.

I keep waiting for this famous peer pressure

I've heard so much about and it never happens!

You wanna go have a drink? Here I am, your peer, pressuring you.

[chuckles]

I'm nervous about losing control, you know?

I think drinking alcohol might not be for you.

But I don't wanna be scared of something that's supposed to be fun.

That's why I wanna go to that party with a bunch of strangers.

Because if I'm gonna lose control, I don't want it to be in front of people I know.

-Okay, weirdo. -[chuckles] You're a weirdo.

Because I am not a thing to be fixed, Daddy.

Do you think we should ADR her saying "Daddy-o"? Is "Daddy-o" more of a dunk?

-[groans] -[cell phone rings]

-Hello? -Um, hello?

Am I speaking to the future director of "Fireflame"?!

-What's that? -"Fireflame"! It's a superhero movie!

Ugh. Another one?

Yes, but the difference is this one's about a lady superhero, which means this one you could actually get hired on!

I don't want them to hire me just because I'm a woman.

Ugh. You think Justin Kenyon says,

"I don't want them to hire me just because I'm a man"?

Of course not! He says, "Money, money, money. Nom, nom, nom."

I have heard him say that.

Besides, they don't want this to be just another superhero movie.

They're looking for someone who can make a superhero movie with a twist!

So, what, they want me to pitch the twist?

-No, the twist is that it's a woman. -Oh.

But they do wanna hear your take, by which I mean they want you, as a woman, to tell them their take.

Hmm...

[man] I've been saying for years as soon as we run out of popular male characters and we've given them each two sequels, we have to make a movie about Fireflame!

I think that's really edgy and outside the box.

Outside is exactly where we're trying to be, in relation to the box.

We really think Fireflame can connect with today's Yas Queen culture.

Yeah, I got a real Yas Queen vibe from her.

She comes in, she saves the day, everyone loves her!

-Wow. -Oh.

Didn't I tell you this would make a great movie?

Uh, pretty sure I told you, Nancy. I have always loved Fireflame.

I'm sorry. I remember now, you did tell me that.

Well, uh, thanks for coming in.

We're obviously gonna hear a lot of takes, but it seems like you have a special connection to the material.

I do.

[elevator dings]

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[Paige snorting] Aw. Aha!

I'm famished. Let's find a place where I can get a glass with an olive in it.

Try to stay on task, won't you, Maxy?

If Sarah Lynn was going to meetings here, someone must have seen her, and if someone saw something, then I wanna know it, particularly as it pertains--

What crime have I committed to deserve so long a sentence?

I've got a point.

Once you arrived at it, send me a postcard.

The starlet was alone when she died, right?

But there was someone else with her while she was blotto.

Who was that person? What'd they see?

And why weren't they mentioned in the police report?

There's your who, what and why.

Get a when and a where in there, and we've got ourselves a story.

Bully for you, you're almost caught up to where I was an hour ago.

Let's chat again in an hour when you've gotten to where I'm at now.

Sounds good.

In the meantime, someone in this building might just offer the key that opens the gate to the garden with the tree that bears the fruit that is our scoop.

Get someone to squeal on an AA meeting?

I do believe one "A" of the two stands for "anonymous."

The other "A", I could not possibly fathom.

I envy your faith in the honor and discretion of other people.

Let's see how that honor stacks up against the desire to dish on celebrities so as to appear swank by association.

Excuse me, kind stranger. I'm writing a story

-on the efficacy of your program. -Uh-huh.

I understand one of the pillars is anonymity, but if you could...

I once saw Craig Ferguson here! I don't know why I said that.

[gasps] Oh.

I really shouldn't say. It's anonymous, but I have seen Robert Downey, Jr.

Jamie Lee Curtis winked at me once.

Colin Farrell, Russell Brand, the Ikea Monkey.

-Sarah Lynn, I've seen. -Really?

About a month before she died. It was pretty clear she was using.

Well, how do you figure? Did she say something?

She didn't, but her friend did.

-Her friend? -Large fella.

I think he was a horse or a bull maybe, it's hard to remember.

Kind of like a rounder Brad Garrett type, but with a very forgettable face.

He told a story, though, I remember that.

It was about a trip he took to... New Mexico.

-Oh? -Yeah, it was about a girl and a mother.

Oh, this is so long ago now.

I think he had sex with the girl, or maybe he had sex with the mother?

Well, do get your story sorted, but I'd prefer it if it's sordid.

And this man left with Sarah Lynn?

Do you recall anything else about this man, his name, perhaps?

No, but I remember the girl's name.

Yes, Sarah Lynn, now we're all up to speed.

No, the girl from his story. The one in New Mexico.

He was weirdly proud of it, said her name was Penny Carson.

Carson, eh?

"Penny Carson," he said. "And that's her real name, you can look her up!"

I remember thinking, "Why does he want us to look her up?"

[both] Hmm.

So she's sexy, but don't you call her sweetheart.

-[laughs] Boy. -Oh, that is so Fireflame.

-[yelps] -Oh, wow!

-Stop! -What?

-I'm sorry, I can't let you-- -Uh, excuse me.

Are you already-- Sorry. I'm sure she's got a great pitch, but the movie you want, it's just not realistic.

Sure it is. Wendy Wiggum ate fire as a baby and now she holds the power of the Fireflame. It's all very logical.

No, I just mean you're doing this all wrong.

She saves the day, and everybody loves her?

I mean, yeah, that makes sense if she's a man.

But it's never worked like that for me.

Well, this isn't about you.

That's right! It's about an exotic dancer who's also interdimensional.

No. I mean the rules are different for women.

If you're a woman and you save the day, nobody loves you.

People take you for granted, or worse, they resent you.

They punish you.

The more powerful you are, the more they'll take your power away.

And I just think if your movie is smart, you'll acknowledge that.

-Ooh, yeah, sounds like a bummer. -Yeah, it's a bummer.

Being a superhero is hard. Otherwise, everyone would do it.

Okay, well, thank you for--

Maybe that is a bad superhero movie. Not aspirational enough, I don't know.

But it's real. And it's different.

Also, in my version, she's gay. Okay, bye!

[door closes]

[elevator dings]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[tango music playing]

You're not bad for a beginner.

Wrong on both counts.

I'm no beginner. And I'm very bad.

[both humming]

[groans]

-[shouts] -Whoa!

Ow! What the hell?

-Cut! Is everyone okay? -I don't know. Do I have a concussion?

-You fell like a foot. -[groans]

-Why did you drop me? -Why'd you scream at me?

-Hey, guys-- -I didn't know he was gonna dip me.

-That's not what we rehearsed! -You said to have fun with it.

I meant fun energy. I didn't mean change the choreography.

I can't do this. I am number one on the call sheet...

-[overlapping dialogue] -...and all I ask for is a modicum

-Breaking news! She's number one! -of respect and professionalism.

Okay, let's everybody cool down.

Do not tell me to cool down like I'm the crazy person here.

I'm just trying to have a safe workplace environ--

I had you. What the fuck is wrong with you?

-I'm... I'm going home. -Gina, we need to get this sequence,

-and we are already behind. -Not my problem.

I get that you're mad, and you're totally right, but everybody else here--

Not my problem.

-[Gina sighs] -[grunts]

You got that dip, though, right?

[dance music playing]

Okay. Trey and I will be in the coatroom, doing hand stuff.

-Otherwise, you don't know anybody here. -[chuckles]

[indistinct chattering]

-[grunts] Hey! -Sorry.

-[gulping] -[laughing]

[groans]

[snoring]

-[breathing heavily] -[muffled noise]

[heart beating]

-[man] Oh! What do you see? -What?

You're having an anxiety attack, so look around the room and tell me what you see.

I-I see people partying and passing out!

What else do you see?

Um, books. Pizza boxes. I see light fixtures.

I see an odd amount of floor poofs.

-Okay, now say your name. -Hollyhock.

-Last name too. -No, we'll be here all night.

-You feel any calmer? -Yeah, actually. A little bit.

It's a trick my psychiatrist taught me. It's supposed to help you ground yourself.

-Thanks. -Except for the saying your name part.

That's not really part of it. I just wanted to know your name.

Oh. Okay, cool.

I-I'm Peter, by the way.

Just so you don't have to wait for me to have an anxiety attack too. [chuckles]

-Hollyhock. -Yeah, I know.

Oh. [chuckles] Right.

So, this party's kind of crowded. You wanna go get some air?

Yeah. But it's pretty cold out.

-Oh, yeah, that's true. -But we're wearing jackets!

Also true.

Darling, you must keep the cake cold and the flowers fresh for just a moment longer.

This story has revealed itself to be thornier than a rose bush and just as sweet. [chuckles]

When shall I return? Well, I haven't sorted that out yet.

It seems I've gone to New Mexico for a spell.

-[wind howls] -Whoa!

Well, we're here.

So I wanted to talk to you because I'm directing a new movie: "Fireflame"!

"Fireflame"? Get that money. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

Yeah. So I need an actress. Someone tough, but vulnerable.

I know you're working with Gina Cazador. What do you think of her?

[stammers] Look, if you've seen her work, you know what she can do.

She's very versatile. Really talented.

But personality-wise, what's she like? Is she good to work with?

I can't risk any drama on set. There's too much riding on this for me.

[sighs] If I'm being honest, I can't recommend her.

-No? -Especially if you have a lot of stunts.

I mean, don't get me wrong, she's great on camera. She just...

-Uh... She can be a little difficult. -What do you mean?

I don't know what happened.

I worked with her a couple years ago, she was great, but, um...

[inhales sharply]

Oh, you know who'd be perfect? Courtney Portnoy!

Oh! I love her.

I've heard nothing but good things.

[gulping]

[coughs]

It's fine. You're not even supposed to like it yet.

It tastes okay-er over time.

Yeah, I'm kind of aspiring to be okay-er over time myself.

You know, I actually didn't even drink for like all of college.

I had some shit go down in high school, and...

You know, there was this girl in my town. Anyway, it's a long story.

No, I wanna hear it.

Okay. She had this man living in her house.

You mean like more than one dad?

No, no, she had just the one dad, but then there was this other guy.

-Weird. -Totally weird, right?

Okay. So this girl was best friends with my girlfriend.

We all went to prom together: me, my girlfriend, the girl, and the man.

Wait, the man went to prom with you? Yeesh.

That's not even the yeesh-iest part.

This guy bought us bourbon and practically forced us to drink it, and then when my girlfriend got alcohol poisoning, he just ditched us at the ER.

Was your girlfriend okay?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was scary in the moment.

We were there all night and they pumped her stomach.

And I was pretty traumatized for a while. [stammers] But things are good now.

Things are good. Because at some point, I realized it wasn't the alcohol's fault, or Maddy's fault, or my fault. It was just some shitty dude, you know?

Totally.

But you know the craziest part of all?

The guy, he's actually kind of famous.

-Really? -Yeah, I never heard of him, but it turns out he's kind of a movie star.

Who is he?

[exhales] Um...

Who is he?

♪ Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show ♪

-♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪ -♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'm just trying To make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪ -♪ BoJack! ♪