Home > BoJack Horseman

Xerox of a Xerox

[newscast jingle playing]

{\an8}Shocking revelations today about BoJack Horseman's involvement

{\an8}in the overdose of Sarah Lynn,

{\an8}in an explosive new "Hollywoo Reporter" exposé.

{\an8}Is BoJack #canceled?

{\an8}#Find-out-tonight when the horse himself sits down...

On "Braxby Means Business with Biscuits Braxby,"

BoJack Horseman opens up in an exclusive interview.

For the first time ever, we'll hear the real story of the last days of Sarah Lynn.

[Paige] I don't believe it.

I left shoe leather in six different states and spun the scoop of my career all to get sidetracked by a sit-down with a second-rate celebrity suck-up.

Relax. Your story's clearly doing something if they're scrambling to do damage control so fast.

That's just it, Patience, my sister and lifelong confidante.

These schmoozey charlatans will pour syrup all over this stack of Shinola and try to tell you it's pancakes.

And I'm powerless to prevent it!

Don't you have enough dirt for a whole other story?

You know full well once I become Baxter's bride,

I'm trading board rooms for bedrooms, watches for swatches and deadlines for bedtimes.

Okay, so then get married and forget about this BoJack story.

I mean, who cares, right?

Patience, you cut to the core like a classic Sinclair.

I shall miss making mincemeat of the misdeeds of mischievous miscreants, but I must focus on my new mission, as I transition from miss to missus.

Why do you talk like that? We're from Fresno.

{\an8}[theme music playing]

Huh, they're really hyping up this BoJack interview.

I gotta admit I'm kinda curious. You're gonna watch, right?

No. I can't waste my energy getting worked up about that guy, Guy.

I've done enough of that. Like, years of that.

-Yeah, but it's not like you can just-- -I need to work on my book.

These mall-related mysteries aren't gonna solve themselves.

Spoken like a very emotionally healthy woman, productive professional writer and super-cute girlfriend.

We already know what BoJack's gonna say.

He'll admit to everything in the story, but nothing else.

He'll trot out this sad-sack routine, everyone will feel bad for him.

He'll talk about his addictions.

"Showbiz is awful. My parents were abusive."

He'll say he's changed. That he's not that guy anymore.

-Yeah. You sound real done with it. -I am! I'm just saying.

They'll make you feel bad for him, without it being too sad...

{\an8}...because too sad is a bring-down. We wanna shoot for pensive.

And this will keep you from talking with your hands, which can be construed as aggressive.

And whatever you do, don't get defensive! Don't deny anything, and don't argue.

{\an8}-[sighs] -Give me a smile.

{\an8}Uh...

{\an8}Whoa! Am I my third favorite Bruce Springsteen song

{\an8}because I was not "Born in the USA" nor am I "Tougher Than the Rest," but I am "Blinded By the Light"! Nice smile, buddy.

Do you need to be here right now?

{\an8}Since your interview is leading into the season finale of "Birthday Dad,"

{\an8}I wanted to officially welcome you to the MBN Thursday Night family.

Thank you.

{\an8}And to ask if it wouldn't be too much trouble for you

{\an8}to shout out "Birthday Dad" during your interview?

{\an8}-Why would I-- -But only if the interview is going well.

{\an8}If the interview is going poorly, please do not bring up "Birthday Dad."

-[baby cooing] -Hey, Princess Carolyn, I-- Oh. BoJack.

-Getting ready for the interview? -Yeah.

{\an8}Oh! You've got your work cut out for you, because people hate you right now.

{\an8}-I'm aware, thank you. -That story... Wow.

{\an8}Really well-written, huh?

{\an8}Yeah, the power of the prose was not the first thing I noticed.

{\an8}Haunting.

Anyway, Princess Carolyn, is it cool if I take tomorrow night off for a date with Maude?

Todd, I keep hearing about this new girlfriend of yours.

When do I meet her?

You can probably take this part of the conversation elsewhere.

Right this way.

We should go on a double date with you and Pickles!

Pickles and I are putting our relaysh on a brief hiate at the mo, but as soon as she returns from her work trip...

-[phone buzzes] -Uh, oh!

Excuse me, I'm receiving a text message and it appears we have broken up forever.

-You're gonna be great. -[exhales] Yeah. Where are we doing this?

I got them to take the "Philbert" set out of storage.

Why?

Because we want the intimacy and vulnerability of your home.

You're saying, "This is me. No more lies."

But since we're pre-taping it in the afternoon, we're using the set to make it look like it's nighttime.

Makes sense.

{\an8}[jingle playing]

I'm here with BoJack Horseman in his actual house.

BoJack, a story came out this morning about the last days of Sarah Lynn.

How did it make you feel?

Honestly? I felt relieved that now I can stop lying.

-[light crashes] -[grunts]

-Are the allegations in the story true? -[clears throat] They are.

Sarah Lynn was nine months sober. I invited her on a bender.

We spiraled together for a little over a month and then she overdosed.

On heroin you purchased for her?

-Well, I didn't purchase it for her-- -There's no need to get defensive.

I'm just trying to be accurate.

I-I didn't purchase it at all. I just had it.

[Biscuits] You just had heroin? Lying around.

No, no, no, no, not lying around.

[scoffs] You're making it sound like I had extra heroin, because I do so much heroin.

I had that heroin because I wasn't doing heroin.

So, I had it. You understand?

In your original statement to the police, you said she called you, you came to the planetarium and found her. That was a lie.

Yes.

Would you say Sarah Lynn dying was your rock bottom?

I don't believe in rock bottoms.

I've had a lot of what I thought were rock bottoms only to discover

-another rockier bottom underneath. -That sounds dangerous.

Eventually, I decided to stop waiting for something to change me.

I had to make the change myself. And that's why I went to rehab.

And I'm very proud to be one year sober next month.

So, if I'm understanding you correctly,

Sarah Lynn dying was part of that decision?

Uh, it was part of it, yes. Uh, I've made a lot of mistakes.

Can you share some of those other mistakes?

I... I don't think that it would be fair to the people who were affected by those mistakes, all of whom I've apologized to in private.

Now that you're sober, do you think you'll stop making these mistakes?

I do. It's been a lot of work, but I look back at that other BoJack and I think, "Who is that?"

And who was he?

I came from a broken home, and I used to feel like my whole life was an acting job.

Just doing an impression of the people I saw on television, which was just the projection of a bunch of equally screwed-up writers and actors.

I felt like a Xerox of a Xerox of a person, you know what I mean?

-But not anymore? -No. Now I feel like me.

It must have been difficult to see those same patterns repeat themselves with Sarah Lynn.

I think that's why her death was so scary for me, why I didn't wanna confront it, because she reminded me of myself.

Some have accused Sarah Lynn's mother of exploiting her death.

When you hear "All Twerk and No Play" in a Geico commercial, or see Sarah Lynn's face on a billboard with the slogan "I'd die for a Pepsi,"

-how does that make you feel? -Sad. Angry.

Honestly, it feels like that's what killed her.

Not the heroin?

No, you're right. It was mostly the heroin.

If you could talk to her mother now, what would you say to her?

I would say... I wish you could know... how sorry I am.

[gasps]

-Am I crazy or did I nail that? -It was good.

Oh, man, when she brought up Sarah Lynn's mother?

She was setting me up to throw her under the bus, but then I said I'm sorry?

I mean, that was a sweet move, yeah? I felt like I could see The Matrix!

You've definitely gotten your 10,000 hours in when it comes to apologizing.

It was good, right? People are gonna like it?

Yeah, well, we'll find out in three hours when it airs.

And that's why the band Chicago is not one of the top ten Chicago bands of all time.

Uh-huh.

Hmm, it's okay if you wanna watch. All right?

He's your friend, it's a big deal for him.

-You don't have to be so weird about it. -I'm not being weird. I'm in a good place.

I don't wanna get dragged back into that other stuff.

That's great! But, you know, it is a little weird that one of your best friends is a huge celebrity

-and you never wanna talk about him. -Roxy's really more my "best" best friend.

But you never talk about Roxy either!

I don't understand what her job is and it's too late for me to ask.

And you were also married to a huge celebrity.

And you never talk about him either.

You don't share your past life with me. You wanna talk about weird?

I've lived here six months and I still haven't met your son.

[stammers] Okay. But you don't really wanna meet Sonny.

Of course I do!

All right, cool. Let's get dinner tomorrow.

"Tomorrow" tomorrow?

[birds chirping]

[sighs, mumbles]

[inhales, exhales]

[phone buzzes]

[inhales, exhales]

Huh.

[camera shutter clicks]

[rings]

I saw your interview, BoJack.

As a recovering addict myself, I was spellbound!

Wow. I had no idea.

And I see no reason why you shouldn't return to Wesleyan.

Uh, small latte?

-My manager told me not to charge you. -What?

He said he watched your interview last night, then turned off the TV and went straight to his first AA meeting.

Huh.

No "Birthday Dad."

-So, I nailed it. -You kidding?

-Pinky Penguin, line one. -Pinky!

Princess Carolyn!

You delivered MBN the best ratings we've seen in years!

You just bought us six more months of not having to sell ourselves to a larger media company that strips us for office furniture.

[grunts]

BoJack and I were just talking about all the buzz.

I wanna strike while the iron is hot and do a part two tonight.

-Part two? -There is no part two.

It's right there in the title, "The Last Days of Sarah Lynn."

Just sit down with Biscuits again and tell a few more colorful anecdotes from your years partying in Hollywoo.

Then, an encore presentation of the "Birthday Dad" finale.

Makes sense.

We got what we wanted out of this. I don't think we should push it.

We're starting a dialogue. I'm helping people.

Move over, Sad Dog. Make room for Remorse Horse!

That's great BoJack, but--

Listen, I'm ready to move on and go back to Connecticut, but it does feel good to be part of the conversation again.

And if my openness and candor about addiction is helping people, then I'm kind of a dick if I don't do another interview, right?

[sighs]

[Pinky] I mean, I wasn't gonna say it.

{\an8}[jingle playing]

Thank you so much for inviting us into your home

-for another night of questions. -Are you kidding?

You couldn't keep me away! Because this is my house.

[light crashes]

I wanna start with another Sarah Lynn question.

Oh, here we go.

Speaking of addicts, I think you're addicted to Sarah Lynn!

[chuckles] You told the police you weren't with her when she died.

That she called you from the planetarium.

Yes, I lied.

Weren't you afraid the police would check the phone records?

Oh! Well, I wasn't thinking clearly. Guess I'm not a criminal mastermind!

But the police did check the phone records, and your story checked out.

There was a two-minute phone call made from her phone to your phone,

17 minutes before you called 911.

-Oh? -If you were with her,

-how do you explain the phone call? -I, um...

I called myself.

After I realized what had had happened, I took her phone and I called myself so I could make it look like she called me.

-Why? -I went into panic mode.

And then what did you do?

I thought we were gonna talk about other stuff.

What did you do after you called your own phone, BoJack?

I went outside to the parking lot.

And you just waited there for 17 minutes?

Why are you asking about this?

Biscuits Braxby. Paige Sinclair. You've been had.

A pleasure to meet you. Had by who?

The pleasure is mine, the pronoun is whom, and the whom is the horse.

BoJack? I got him to spill his guts about the worst moment of his life

{\an8}on national television for huge ratings.

Your disgusting display of soft-pedaling sycophancy made me wanna quit the journalism business altogether, two days prior to when I get married and quit the journalism business altogether.

But the Biscuits Braxby brand is keeping things light.

Celebs come on my show because I make 'em look good.

That access keeps me relevant.

But to what benefit is your relevance if it's squandered in the service of public relations?

With the advent of social media, celebs don't need you to make them look good.

And if you don't alter your strategy soon, you'll have no career left to save.

Face it, chinchilla, you're all wet.

Well, I...

Ugh! Even if I wanted to do a hard-hitting interview, what would I say?

I've a few ideas...

-You keep looking over to your manager. -Well, I--

-Can we talk about your relationship? -Princess Carolyn?

-You dated her for seven years? -Yes, and look! She's alive.

Did it ever get complicated, working with her while maintaining a sexual relationship?

Well, she's always been good at keeping her personal and professional lives separate.

-Quite an accomplished woman. -You said it.

She was an agent's assistant when I met her and now she's running her own company. Plus, she's a great mom.

[chuckles] Oh, fish! Mom!

-I forgot about Todd's date! -I can watch Ruthie for a few hours.

[whispers] Thank you.

What can you tell me about Marcy Jerominek?

-Who? -In the '90s, you had a fan club--

-How do you know all this? -Do you know where I'm going here?

[sighs] Marcy. Yes. She was the president of my fan club.

You slept with her.

We had a lovely evening together. We both got something out of it, and--

Did you take a high school girl to her prom?

-That was a family friend. -Did you help a teen mom sneak out of rehab and take her to a high school party?

I didn't take her. We went together.

Is it true you once dated a woman who'd just woken up from a 30-year coma?

-Were you attracted to her naiveté, too? -What does all this have to with--

You had sex with the president of your fan club.

You had sex with your agent's assistant. You party with underage girls.

-You don't see a pattern here? -It's not a pattern.

-Do you enjoy having power over women? -I don't even know what that means.

You don't know what it means to have power over women?

I don't have power over anyone. I barely have power over myself.

But you do have power over people. And again and again, you abuse that power.

All these women that you mentioned, I never forced myself--

Not through force, but you understand the power differential.

So, I can't be with any woman I might have power over?

-Who does that leave me with? -I'm just pointing out a series of--

You think everything is this nefarious scheme.

Most of the bad shit that happens in this world isn't because of wicked plots and machinations.

It's just because we're all a bunch of stupid, hungry, horny little goons just grabbing at shit, hoping it'll press that little button in our brain that says,

"Okay, you're happy now." That's not an "abuse of power."

Do you really believe you didn't have the power in all of those relationships?

I... I am an addict.

One of the first things that I had to accept was my own powerlessness.

-But that's-- -I understand what I did was wrong.

I'm not denying that. But you're trying to paint this picture.

You're making it out like I'm a bad guy, and I'm not.

I'm not that guy you're saying I am.

-So, back to Sarah Lynn... -No. Why?

You gave her the heroin...

I already told you, yes. How many times can I say it?

Breaking news! The thing I told you yesterday is still true.

-Did you ever give Sarah Lynn alcohol? -What?

The first time Sarah Lynn ever got drunk, she was a child, and it was vodka, right?

How... how do you know about that?

You were bringing vodka to the set of "Horsin' Around."

Who told you all this stuff? Did Sharona tell you that?

Doctor Champ, thank you for returning my call.

I didn't wanna say anything, but just watching BoJack in that interview, talking like he's a victim in all this.

If the world only knew the things I know...

I understand as a therapist, you're not at liberty to divulge what your client told you in confidence.

But I'm not a therapist. I'm a therapy horse.

And I can tell you everything.

Oh.

Because Sharona was a drunk, too, so you can't trust a thing she says.

Obviously, she has a vendetta against me. Besides, I already apologized to her.

Apologized for what?

Okay, when you put it all together, it looks bad.

Do you see any connection between those other women and Sarah Lynn?

There's no connection between anyone, that's what I keep saying!

Sarah Lynn wasn't like those other girls.

I loved Sarah Lynn. She was like a daughter to me.

I just keep seeing this story of you taking young women...

-No. -Grooming them...

I didn't groom anyone, okay?

It's not like I got Sarah Lynn drunk for the purpose of taking advantage of her.

She was ten! I didn't even have sex with her until she was 30!

-I'm sorry, what? -No. I just mean that--

-Did you say you had sex with her? -That was later. She was an adult.

And we were both so drunk and high, I didn't--

We didn't know what we were doing.

We were addicts, and the thing about addicts--

-This was during your bender? -Yeah. No! A different bender.

I took her to rehab, by the way! I tried to get her help.

I just keep thinking about those 17 minutes.

You waiting in the parking lot after she died.

But she wasn't actually dead yet. She died in the hospital.

-Right, but at the time, I didn't... -Ever wonder what would've happened if you didn't take those 17 minutes? Do you think she might still--

No! I... Look, obviously when I did all that stuff, I wasn't--

So to recap, you gave Sarah Lynn alcohol when she was a child.

She then became an addict.

Come on, there was a lot of stuff in between--

I'm talking now. You're not talking.

When she was intoxicated, you had sex with her, and when she was sober, you gave her the heroin that killed her.

Then in an effort to cover for yourself, you waited to call the paramedics that might have saved her life.

And you don't think you have any power over women.

So, it didn't go great.

The gross part is she doesn't even care.

This is just a ratings win she can use as leverage for her next big paycheck.

-Maybe. -She was all over the place.

I think people are gonna see that she was just out to get me.

-People are gonna see that, right? -I guess we'll find out tonight.

Okay, maybe she had some good points, but she completely undermined herself with, like...

I mean, we dated for like seven years.

Do you think that I took advantage of you?

-[sighs] I'm here, aren't I? -And she kept bringing it back to women--

These "women I hurt" because that's what's hip now, right?

Hurting women? But I have also hurt a lot of men!

I told you to do just the one interview and go back to Connecticut.

-But it's gonna be okay, right? -[sighs]

You wanna grab some tacos? What do you think?

-I think you have three hours... -[car alarm chirps]

...before this interview airs and your world changes completely.

You should think about how you wanna spend that time.

I'm going home to my daughter.

[engine starts]

-Sonny! It's great to finally meet you. -Hey.

-Sonny! Come on! -Good evening, ma'am.

Whoa! [chuckles]

What's this? You made varsity?

Yeah. Coach moved me up for the rest of the season.

-Wow! Congratulations! -That's amazing! Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to wait for the jacket.

I'm so proud of you, buddy.

We should get Chicago-style cheese fries to celebrate.

-Oh! I'll get-- -I'm getting cheese fries.

-[chuckles] So... lacrosse. -What's your deal?

-What? -My dad has a thing for broken women.

Then he nurses them back to health, and when they're better they leave.

You gonna leave him?

-Does your dad think I'm gonna leave him? -It doesn't matter, because eventually my mom and dad are gonna get back together.

They're still in love.

-What? No, they hate each other. -No, they don't.

-They fight all the time. -Wha-- Really?

-[cries] -Oh! Whoa!

-My dad hates my mom? -Uh... No! Of course not!

Then why would you say that? You're so mean!

[sobs]

I was gone for two minutes!

Huh.

Ah.

Is this anything?

"My girlfriend was upset I gave her a CD for Christmas.

But she gave me VD for Hanukkah!"

That's nothing. And possibly anti-Semitic. Hold still.

Ugh! I am so ready to never do stand-up again.

Are you gonna put me on your TV show or what?

I'm telling you, the network loves you.

They just need you to do a screen test. It's basically a formality.

-Screen test? -What, you're too good for it?

No, it's cool! A screen test! Ha!

You wanna hit Alma's after the show? Best tacos in LA.

-I keep telling you it's Neptune's Net. -Ugh!

Malibu is for pretentious, rich douchebags.

That's Beverly Hills.

Malibu is for pretentious famous douchebags.

-Hold still so I can finish. -Finish what?

Look, you might never get a star on the Walk of Fame or a wax statue.

But this way you'll always be immortalized and undisturbed in Hollywood forever.

Unless they repaint.

[Coltrane] Anybody from out of town? It's a trick question, it's LA.

-Everybody's from out of town. -[audience laughing]

Most of Los Angeles isn't even in Los Angeles.

-I mean, Azusa? Excusa? -[grunts]

[audience laughing, applauding]

Oh, my God.

-Hey, man. I hated your show. -What?

-"Horsin' Around." Hated it. -Yeah, that's a hell of an opener.

But my baby brother loved it.

I'd be in my bedroom, sulking and I'd hear him laughing his ass off in the living room.

He had this great laugh.

Drugs took a lot from him, but he still had that laugh.

Right up to the end.

Now anytime I hear anything about that show, I hear my brother's laugh.

-Thanks for that. -Well, shit. You're welcome.

Hey, do you wanna go up?

Oh, man. I... I haven't done stand-up in years.

You're famous. They'll get a kick out of it even if you suck.

[stammers] I don't think so. Thanks, though.

[mumbles, sighs]

Oh.

[audience laughing]

Mm-mm. No.

-Hmm. Oh, what about this show? -Oh, what's it about?

It's really smart.

It's about New Orleans and jazz and Hurricane Katrina and drugs and John Goodman.

-Sounds exciting. -It's not!

[Bess] Maude? I heard a man's voice!

-Yeah, Mom, Todd's over! -Is that a burglar?

He's my boyfriend! We're gonna watch TV!

No shows about burglars, though!

-You got it, Mom! -And keep the door open.

-No funny business! -[sighs] Okay, Mom.

Wanna watch the second part of the BoJack interview?

I don't know.

That guy was my best friend for like five years.

But not because we have anything in common.

I just landed at his house one night.

You ever get tired of living at the mercy of whoever happens to let you crash on their couch?

-What do you mean? -Why don't you get your own place?

Princess Carolyn doesn't need a live-in nanny anymore.

I think I'd get lonely.

How about this: what if you had your own place, but you shared it with someone?

-Like a roommate? -Or a girlfriend.

[chuckles] But Maude, you're my girlfriend.

What am I supposed to do?

Get a second girlfriend just to live with?

-No, I-- -And by the way, you're one to talk.

-You still live with your mom. -Yeah, I--

-Why don't you get your own place? -Right, that's actually what--

Wait. I just got an incredible idea!

Yeah? Because I just had an incredible idea, too.

Okay, let's both say our ideas at the same time.

One, two, three.

-Salty gum. -Ice cream sandwich flavored ice cream.

Also, we should move in together.

Oh.

[audience laughing]

You know what they don't tell you about getting sober?

The hardest part, worse than the DTs or the looking back at everything you did or the constant fear of relapse, the hardest part is figuring out what the hell to drink when you order a meal at a nice restaurant.

You expect me to order the bucatini carbonara at Gusto and then drink, what, an Arnold Palmer?

I'm not even a red wine guy, but come on! "Here's your steak, sir.

Would you like an ice-cold Dr. Pepper to go with that?" I mean...

[applause]

-[baby cooing] -[door closes]

[sighs]

Are you all right?

Eh... Hmm.

-[pops] -[laughs]

[keyboard clacking]

[tapping]

[exhales]

[TV playing]

I guess what I'm getting at is I keep hearing you say,

"That's not me. I've changed."

But how can we believe you've stopped this pattern of behavior

if you won't acknowledge this pattern exists?

I don't even know what pattern you're talking about.

-[scoffs] -[Biscuits] I'll try one more time.

Over these last two nights, you've drawn us an outline of a person.

A person who doesn't think about others, a person who puts his own needs first.

And over and over, other people get hurt,

not necessarily because he means to hurt them,

but because he just doesn't care.

This person I'm describing, is it a different person, or is it you?

Oh.

[BoJack] Yeah. It's me.

♪ Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show ♪

-♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪ -♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'm just trying To make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

-♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪ -♪ BoJack ♪