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Football, Feminism and You

A small, fading remnant of a star.

A white dwarf. That's right.

I used a memory technique.

Dwarves hate being called midgets, and midgets are small.

And what does a star turn into after it collapses?

A movie of the week.

A black hole. Right.

Troy, you could be an astronomer.

There's only one black hole worth studying.

It's called Sagittarius A.

It's located in the center of our galaxy, and it has the density of 40 suns.

Just like my wiener. TROY: Ha, ha.

You said "wiener." That's funny.

Pierce and Troy are bonding through mutual adolescence.

Shut up, fart head. Poo-poo head.

Hi, everybody. Ha, ha. Well, look at this group.

Having some kind of meeting and being so diverse.

There is just-- Boy--

There is just one of every kind of you, isn't there?

We are missing a pipsqueak, but we don't want one, beat it.

Uh, Pierce, that's the dean.

You kidding? Sorry. Just my luck.

Don't let me interrupt.

Sometimes, I just roll around campus like a little football.

I can't believe this.

Here I am in a random conversation about football, and I'm talking to Troy Barnes, star quarterback from Riverside High. Whoa. Heh.

Troy, did you know Greendale has a football team?

Did you know they had a football?

Ah. Heh. Good. That's very funny.

Troy, I was so sorry to hear about your injury, but now that you have recovered, we would love for you to play for the Human Beings.

The team's name is the Human Beings?

My idea. It was the Greendale Grizzlies, but I thought--

[WHISPERING] A lot of these students have been called animals.

Unfortunately, I don't know what to do about the mascot.

Oh. I could help with that.

I have a wealth of experience in image management, icon development, and Y2K preparedness.

Ooh. Well, aren't you found money.

Troy, all of your friends are lining up to turn Greendale around. How about you?

ANNIE: Troy isn't interested in football.

Getting injured was the best thing that ever happened.

Whoa. Yoko Ono much?

[DEAN LAUGHING]

Bros before ho's, Troy.

Heh. Listen, man, no offense, but I was the best and I finished on top.

I wouldn't play with a 10-foot pole.

Dean, I'm sure Troy will sign up for football, if and when some accident damages the part of his brain that feels pride.

Until then, excuse us.

If you change your mind, the field is always open.

Figuratively speaking. Wednesdays and Sundays it's used as parking overflow for the megachurch. Okay.

Now let's meet the minimum requirements for a language credit.

Yes, but I need to go to the bathroom first.

Uh, Britta? Oh, no, I don't have to go.

I'll go with you.

[♪♪♪]

What? She's offended?

Girls go in groups.

Did you learn nothing from standup comedy in the '90s?

I'm familiar with the concept.

If it's important to Shirley, I'll go next time.

I'm willing to try some more mainstream feminine stuff.

Then you should know nothing says,

"I'm a woman" like doing it with me.

Nothing says, "I'm a pig," like you.

Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.

It makes the group uncomfortable when you talk like we're characters in a show.

That's sort of my gimmick.

But we did lean on that pretty hard last week.

I can lay low for an episode.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ I can't count The reasons I should stay ♪

JEFF: Sure you made the right call on the team?

It looks like they won something once.

"Most Valued Customer, Henderson Trophy Cases."

So we should still study a little more astronomy later.

Maybe over some Milky Ways or some Mars bars.

Or pancakes.

JEFF: "I'm Jeff and I'm a student at Greendale"?

Well, that's not good.

WOMAN: Wood undergoes rapid oxidation because it reacts spontaneously to--

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Seriously. We've talked about this.

Okay, you have got to turn off your cell ph--

That's mine. My bad.

[WHISPERING] I'm going to the bathroom.

Would you like to come with me? Well, yes. Yes, I would.

Oh, that's nice.

Okay, what's it called? Antoni--? Hold on.

Does anybody have a pen? A pen?

No one has a pen.

Why would you not bring a pen to class?

Idiot. No, you're not an idiot. Ha-ha-ha.

I had my blinker on about five minutes, and this "bald but trying to hide it with a bandana" loser swooped in. I couldn't believe it.

BRITTA: Maybe he didn't see you.

Maybe he had his blinker on too. He saw me.

Maybe.

So you got any family, Britta?

BRITTA: Yeah. Whatever.

My mom might visit this weekend.

She and I are gonna get makeovers--

Makeovers. They sure have us programmed right.

[IN ROBOT VOICE] I am a female pleasure unit. I require a new coat of paint.

Something I thought might be fun.

Here's something I think might be fun.

Let's find the number of makeup companies owned by women.

I'll save you the trouble. It's zero.

Of course, you're saying, "Aren't you a hypocrite?

You're plastered with glitter and goo from head to toe like the rest of us."

I also pay income tax and pull over for cops.

That doesn't mean I support a country...

[WHIRRING] [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Thanks for offering to design the new mascot.

I have been a little stumped. Heh. That's no problem.

I took the liberty of thumbnailing a prototype, uh, which I modeled after Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man.

You're offering it, but-- The penis is a little small.

Oh, okay. It looks a lot like you.

Um, here's the thing.

If we are the Human Beings, you know, and we have a mascot that's just a white guy, what message are we sending?

Our symbol needs the diversity of our school and our species. So black?

No, because we're not the Greendale Blacks or the Greendale Asians, we are the Greendale Human Beings.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Yeah.

Sorry to disturb you guys.

Who are looking at a naked drawing of Pierce doing jumping jacks.

A quick download? Uh-- Absolutely.

Excuse me. Okay. Fill me in later.

[GASPS]

Whoa-oh. Ah. Good, a pencil.

First of all, I'm flattered.

Oh, well, you're a very photogenic man.

Is that real bed head, or do you put something in there? Can I?

It's crispy. I was thinking about the four disembodied heads and I thought,

"Where's the heart? The soul?

Where's the different poster design?"

Those were less than personable.

Which is why I went with the full bodies in these mailers we have going out.

Ta-ta-ta.

Mailers? I didn't give permission for this.

Did you not read the release agreement on the back of your registration?

I'm starting to see why someone used to be a lawyer.

Look, if someone from the outside were to find--

Okay, if someone from the outside were to find out I am a student at a community college, that could have a negative impact on my future career.

Oh.

Goodness. Look what we have stumbled onto.

An opportunity to help each other out.

I suppose I wouldn't need this promotional campaign if I could announce to the press that Troy Barnes is playing football here.

He's been pretty clear about declining that offer.

If you said jump, he'd say, "How high?"

If you said stop, he'd say "Hammer time."

You get what I mean? Hmm?

No, I need another example.

You know, I didn't realize before, but we should send those out to local businesses.

Law firms, lawyer companies, legal gatherings.

You trying to blackmail me? I think so.

Gentlemen, I present to you the Greendale Human Being.

That's a falcon with a gun.

[♪♪♪]

It's a falcon with an erection.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, hi, Abed.

Hmm. Bye. He's just laying low.

Are you going to the bathroom? Uh-- Yes.

I'll go with you. You know what? I'm good.

She probably just, you know, had to go number two.

Okay, what's the closest planet to Earth?

Planet Hollywood? Ha-ha-ha.

That's not the right answer, but it shows how fun astronomy can be.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Oh, we're studying, so Troy's busy.

The galaxy's not going anywhere.

I'll bring him back.

JEFF: Ever miss being a quarterback?

I miss being the best at something.

I miss having a coach.

TROY: I miss knowing what to think.

You still know what to think. Oh, good.

After the dean talked to you about football, you and I were thinking the same thing.

That dude looks like Moby. We were thinking, what if Troy did play? You'd be surprised at how many of your favorite players got started at community college.

Really? Name one.

Who's your favorite player? Me. Whoa.

Maybe you and I should go check out the Greendale Thunderdome.

[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]

[GRUNTING]

The dome arrives later. It comes with thunder.

Let me tell you a little secret about me.

Every day, on my way to school,

I drive through downtown, past the courthouse, just to get a glimpse of the world I once ruled.

And I just wanna jump out of my car, run up the steps and exploit the legal system for profit.

But I can't. I'm locked out of my old kingdom.

You're not. You see what I'm saying?

You're saying I could be a lawyer.

I'm saying you're a football player.

It's in your blood. That's racist.

Your soul. That's racist.

Your eyes? That's gay?

Homophobic. That's black.

That's racist. Damn.

When you played, you were a god.

You're not playing and you're not.

I'd tell you do the math, but math isn't important.

The only thing important is this.

But Annie said-- Annie said Benjamin Button was compelling.

A smart girl, but sometimes she's just wrong.

Eighty-five, go long.

It's like a drug, isn't it?

Feel it, Troy. Throw it!

The scoreboard lights up.

There will be a scoreboard there.

It's complete. Nice catch.

The girls, the glory, the scouts, the career.

It starts when you join this team.

Is that linebacker a pregnant woman?

You can meet them later, but this decision has to be yours, T-Bone.

And this decision has to be yes.

How did you know my nickname was T-Bone?

You're a football player and your name begins with T.

Your name begins with T.

[♪♪♪]

Britta?

Oh, are you finished?

I have to go, but apparently, I failed yesterday's tryouts for the position of bathroom companion.

I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings.

You didn't hurt my feelings, Shirley.

I don't need to go with other people.

I was just trying to throw you a bone because I like you. Keep that bone.

Listening to a story about a stranger pissing me off and taking the stranger's side?

You can't talk about your own business but insinuate my mama's a robot because we want makeovers.

That is the ladies room. A place where ladies share, listen, support each other, and discretely eliminate waste.

And I like you too.

I even like that you're a little hard, but if you can't learn to be soft in there, you need to pee alone.

I've peed alone my whole life.

Women have always hated me.

I don't even know how it started.

Maybe it was when I got boobs before everybody--

Shh.

Not out here.

In there.

Whoo! Ha, ha. Troy, Troy, the wonder boy.

You dropped your books, Poindexter. Heh-heh-heh.

Troy, I've been waiting for an hour.

It's all right. I'm worth it.

♪ Hip hop, body don't stop ♪

♪ Riverside got the broom Don't need a mop ♪

♪ Put your team in a box A ribbon on top ♪

♪ Not John Kerry We don't flip flop ♪

Troy, ♪ Say, ho ♪ why are you doing our conservative high school's outdated fight rap? Have you been playing football?

Threw the skin around. I still got it.

Uhn, uhn, uhn. Doosh! Uhn.

But you knew we had an Astronomy test tomorrow.

Class blows.

What I need to know about the universe is I'm at the center of it.

♪ Oh Bing, bong, sing along ♪

♪ Your team's Al Gore Your views are wrong ♪

Troy, stop.

Don't become this person again.

This isn't the real you.

This is the jock that totally ignored the only people that liked him for non-superficial reasons but weren't allowed to say because their parents are bigots.

Huh? Football is bad for you.

Jeff said you'd say that.

Jeff-- What now?

Troy. Troy, Troy, Troy.

That's my name.

I think if we add in a little bit of Phylicia Rashad, we'll be in better shape. Right.

That beige is light.

Um-- Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

We are developing the perfect mascot.

No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.

This is a chart of the features we're staying away from.

Pan-Asian eye folds, uh, Irish chins, women's breasts.

Is that Seal? That is our human color wheel.

It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.

What do you think? JEFF: I think not being racist is the new racism.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to the prototype?

Ooh, I left the nose in the kiln.

PELTON: Oh.

So Troy is gonna play football.

Yes. Which means I'll be getting rid of these.

No, uh, I won't mail these out but they are staying with me until the press announces Troy is a part of the team.

I want him at that pep rally tonight.

Reporters are gonna be there.

We're gonna unveil the new mascot and things are finally going to start turning around.

Oh, and my ex-therapist is gonna think twice before he makes fun of my job!

Here it is. Still hot. Ooh. Ow.

I'm gonna get some more coffee.

You want anything? A Desmond Tutu with enough cream to make a Lou Diamond Phillips.

La Bamba. Got it.

[♪♪♪]

ANNIE: Aha!

I've been following you.

How much did the dean pay you to make Troy play?

I'm not having a conversation with someone who emerges from a bush. Because I'm right?

Because I'm not in a commercial for cereal.

The dean has pictures of me.

Horrible pictures of me.

Attending his school.

For that, you've convinced Troy to flush his life down football's toilet again?

Britta's right. You are the most selfish person.

All that is gonna end now.

I'm telling him what kind of friend you are.

Tell him you're hopelessly in love with him.

High school must have been tough.

Waiting for a superstar to notice you.

But here, here, he's all alone and he needs so much help.

Did you enroll in all his classes or were you worried that might freak him out?

The important thing is you are there for him.

The important thing is you are the only one there for him.

And you don't really care what he wants, as long as you don't have to share him with the world.

Because, really, you are just as selfish as I am.

You're just not as good at it yet.

You're right.

I could never be as good as you.

Probably, because I actually care.

Profound, but technically meaningless.

Don't bother trying that thing women do where they walk away and make the guy feel like crap, because it won't happen.

Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

[WHISPERS]: Damn it.

Shirley, will you please come to the bathroom with me?

Where's Shirley? Shirley's not coming.

But, uh, I'm here to listen, girl.

Why do we inflict so much pain on ourselves for men?

I don't know, sweetie.

Maybe it's because men make the world go around?

Kleenex?

[SNIFFLES THEN SOBS]

I've been infatuated with Troy.

Now he's joining football.

Now he'll have his pick of the litter, and I'll never get to be with him.

Oh, Annie, screw him.

There are guys out there that would kill to be with you.

If Troy isn't one of them, that's him failing your standards. You got that?

You're right. I can't control him.

And if I truly cared about him, I wouldn't want to.

Thanks for talking to me, Britta.

It really helped.

Seriously? Yes.

Who's my girl?

[ALL GIGGLE]

Excuse me. I did it. I did it.

Oh, yes, you did.

[♪♪♪]

[CHANTING IN DISTANCE]

PLAYERS [CHANTING]: Human Beings, Human Beings, Human Beings.

Human Beings, Human Beings.

Troy. Troy.

Don't go in there, man. What?

You got the most you were going to get in high school.

A life of disillusionment and depression begins on the other side of that door.

Is this your first pep rally or something?

You told me football was the most important thing.

Buckle up, I was exaggerating. It's kind of my gimmick.

Let me tell you something. No, let me.

That keg flip that cost me my scholarship?

Yeah.

I hurt myself on purpose. What?

There was a scout coming to the final game, and I couldn't take the pressure.

So I took the easy way out.

When you showed me that field,

I saw there was nothing to worry about.

I could play football for fun.

Have you seen these guys? There is nowhere to go but up.

Dude, we have feelings.

I don't know about you, but I know I ended up here because things weren't that great out there.

[♪♪♪]

Try accepting where you're at, man.

Take a pottery class or something.

TROY: ♪ Greendale, we're number one Nancy Pelosi is no fun ♪

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ON MIC]

[♪♪♪]

Hey. Hey.

I've decided to support Troy.

They deploy things in football. I went for rhyme over clarity.

Look, I'm, uh-- I'm really sorry about before.

I just think we were both wrong. Really?

Because I'm an 18-year-old girl and you made me cry in public.

Hmm. Okay, maybe I was a little more wrong.

I should grow up and make peace with being here.

It's not like Greendale is gonna kill me.

Holy crap. [SCREAMS]

Sorry. Hey, say hello to our ethnically neutral mascot, the Human Being.

The costume makes it difficult for him to see.

[MASCOT GRUNTING]

He can't move his mouth either.

But take it from me, that's human for "hello."

Let's get you into the pep rally.

Great idea. Let's do it.

We've solved racism. What's next?

PELTON: Let's do something for little people. Or albinos.

PIERCE: How about little albinos?

Has the potential to be a uniquely Greendale experience.

My lady? ♪ Please, please ♪

My lord. ♪ Please, do not go ♪

♪ Please, please, please Do not go ♪

♪ Oh, please, please, please Do not go ♪

ABED: Students, this is Abed. TROY: And the disco spider.

Here at Greendale. Greendale.

BOTH: Say what?

A few quick announcements. Number one.

All announcements will be cool, starting right now.

Announcement number two, butt soup.

Announcement number three,

I am not Hadji from Jonny Quest, Jeff Winger.

On security, you gotta start locking the dean's door so guys like us don't get in.

MAN: Hey.