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Beginner Pottery

I had to get up so early for my bus

I caught what Cinemax gets up to at night.

Subscription cancelled.

I got that for Eddie Murphy, not stimulation.

Why the bus? What happened to your minivan?

My ex-husband needed it.

The person he's dating works at a club an hour from the city.

I'll play a violin for them and maybe she can strip to it.

Kind people are always kind, Britta.

Not just when it's easy.

As we stand, once again upon the deadline to drop or add classes,

I hereby present this semester's Jeff Winger pick for ultimate blow-off class, Beginner Pottery.

Your last "blow off" class ended up teaching me to live in the moment.

Which I will always regret and never do again.

This one's different. I researched.

You don't have to make a good pot.

You get an art credit for participation.

This class is like a redhead that drinks Scotch and loves Die Hard.

I suggest you all get her number.

Ahoy!

Guess which class I signed up for.

Singing with Tennille? [LAUGHTER]

Oh, ho ,hey. Sailing.

The nearest water is hours away.

Leagues, Abed.

We don't measure water by hours.

It's a one-week intensive that gives you hands-on experience on a real boat right here in the parking lot.

I'd rather learn boats than pots.

I was gonna take a class to put together a dating profile.

But sailing in the parking lot is less pathetic.

A black person on a sail boat? I gotta see this. I'm in.

How about you? You wanna sail with us?

There's black people. Two.

[♪♪♪]

JEFF: All right.

Hello, ladies.

What you guys making, big balls here?

Oh, yeah. You guys getting dirty? Nice.

What are you looking at? All right.

Hey, Laura Ingalls. Home Depot guy.

Who's making pots, huh?

Let's participate this thing. Let's do this.

I don't know why you're laughing.

I do wanna make my mom an ashtray.

Okay. [RICH LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

Hello, my precious blueberries.

Hello. Hi.

All right, spin those wheels and play with some clay.

Now, there's one and only one rule in this class.

I will tolerate no reenacting, whether it's ironic or sincere, of the Patrick Swayze-Demi Moore pottery scene in Ghost.

Ever since that movie was released in 1990,

I have seen every conceivable variation of what I call ghosting.

This can be guy-on-girl, girl-on-guy.

The hilarious guy-on-guy.

[GROUP LAUGHING]

[IMITATES GUNSHOT]

So since it never stopped,

I had to adopt a zero-Ghost-tolerance policy.

If you hum three notes of that Righteous Brothers song, with God as my witness, I will come at you with everything I've got, okay?

Let's have a great time.

[♪♪♪]

I'm making falafel. Not edible. Mm.

What are you making? A vase.

Hey, guys. Yep?

Look what I made.

A participant badge.

[GASPS]

I don't know how.

I just stuck my hands into the clay and it happened.

You look at me.

You have a gift.

ABED: Jeff's competitive side had come out before, he had even displayed envy.

But on that first day of Pottery class--

Abed. Yeah?

What did we discuss? No voiceover. I'm sorry.

It is kind of a crutch.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ I can't count The reasons I should stay ♪

[BOTTLE CLINKING]

Never been on a boat. I didn't know what to wear.

TROY: Yeah, it's intimidating.

We're in Pierce's world now.

He's got all the boat clothes, and look at him christen.

If that were me, I would've broken the bottle.

I'm Professor Slaughter.

Welcome aboard the S.S. Nose Candy, purchased through government auction.

Oh, that's nice. It's not nice.

It's your only weapon against the sea.

Don't know how to use her, you're dead.

Together, you will work as one crew.

You will succeed or fail as one crew.

Consider this parking lot the ocean.

Whatever you drop, you lose.

Mishandle the sails, you capsize and die.

Now, does Little Miss Nice have a name?

Shirley Bennett.

Well, now you're Captain Shirley Bennett.

Aw, man. You will follow her every order.

Oh.

I've never been a captain. I have.

I commanded a jet ski through an electrical storm and only had one casualty.

Jet skis only hold two people.

Exactly. Saved half the crew.

Pottery is cooler than I thought.

And harder.

Except for that guy, Rich. He's like a natural.

I'm worried about the effect it's having on Jeff.

Yeah, someone call a shrink. What?

You're usually the cool one.

Abed, you understand the point of a blow-off class is to blow it off?

Not to be cool at making important mud pies.

Not willing to admit he's talented?

No, because he's not.

If I were to make an effort, you'd think I was the cat's pajamas.

"Cat's pajamas"?

Okay, Pierce.

Somebody's mommy gave him too much praise.

Man, so did someone's psych teacher.

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS] Oh, Señor Chang.

Yes, I was robbed at the YMCA. Again.

[♪♪♪]

All right, let's do this.

JEFF'S MOM: Jeff, do you know what you are?

You're special.

You're very special, Jeff.

The most special little boy in the world.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Take her back to harbor.

SHIRLEY: Flank the sheets and trim the headsail.

ALL: Aye aye.

Eyes on me for a moment.

I don't see students here, I see seamen.

And I didn't create them.

From the moment you climbed aboard, I saw seamen inside you.

More importantly, you've stopped giggling at the word "seamen."

And that's the mark of a real seaman.

All right, as you were.

Okay, then, crew, make fast the topping lift.

I'll get the rope.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, my God. Damn. He's ghost riding the jib.

[GRUNTS] Pierce, hang on.

That hat's gone. Lost at sea.

I might be able to reach it. it landed on that Hyundai.

I mean, mermaid's car.

Get back on this boat.

No, no, no. [GRUNTS]

Well, I spoke too soon. Everybody gets a D.

If I had chosen to hit you with a storm just then, you all would have failed.

Get your crew in line, captain.

Permission to speak? Mm-hm.

You really screwed the pooch on that one.

And I can't swim.

RICH: So, you see, ladies, it's a working fountain.

With a bird.

[IMITATING BIRD CHIRPING]

Jeff! Ready to make some art in the shape of a vase?

No, can't.

Ooh, ouch. Let me take a look.

Rich, being good at Beginner Pottery doesn't mean you can heal people.

That's true. But my medical degree does.

I'm a doctor. A doctor?

I just take pottery to unwind.

I haven't lost a patient in five years.

Puts a lot of pressure on a person.

So the good news is, neither sprained nor broken.

Oh, thank God.

But I'll have to get a second opinion from a guy in my basket-weaving class.

[LAUGHS]

That's great. That's funny.

Good to see you getting along with Rich.

What's he like? He's a ringer.

A what? You know, a con man, a grifter, a ringer.

He's an expert potter who signs up for novice classes to impress people.

If he wants to impress, why join a pottery class?

Why not just say, "Hi, I'm a doctor"?

Because he's crazy.

And fancy jobs don't impress people.

You weren't impressed I'm a lawyer.

Anyone can be a lawyer. You can represent yourself.

You can't do surgery on yourself.

It's illegal. You'd get arrested.

And then you'd get a free lawyer.

Rich showed me how to make a flared lip and check for breast lumps.

I don't know how, and I don't know when, but one day that guy is gonna slip up.

And when that happens, I'll be there to expose him.

Jeff, if your finger's still bugging you, just get creative.

I wanna kiss you on the mouth. I'm sorry?

[♪♪♪]

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

Hey, Rich. Hey.

Don't run so fast, you're among friends.

How you doing, Jeff? What's up? Not much, nada mucho.

Natalie Merchant.

Just want to thank you for taking a look at my finger.

Anytime. Doc Potterywood, I like it.

Have you taken many pottery classes?

No, this is my first. Of the year?

Ever. No pottery at doctor school?

Medical school? Pottery school.

Pottery school? Pottery school? How long?

It's kind of weird, I feel I'm being interrogated, by someone who doesn't wanna know anything important.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, hey, New Mexico. Long way from home.

Yeah. Well, I did my residency in Santa Fe.

Santa Fe. Yeah.

Can I give you a lift somewhere?

Oh, no, thanks. I'm getting there.

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

Did you sleep here? Only for a few hours.

Guess where Rich is from. Couldn't have been Crazy Town.

You'd gone to school together. Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Nobody gets out of Santa Fe without learning to make a pot.

Forty-five percent Hispanic.

Fifth-highest Native American population.

They eat and breathe clay there.

I think some of this research is from Wikipedia.

You're mocking me? You?

No, you, fine, go ahead, mock me.

You're Goldblum-ing. Goldblum-ing?

[CHUCKLES]

I, uh-- I don't know what that means.

Look, I have work to do before class because I wanna catch Rich when he slips up.

Who even cares if he's pretending?

Pottery cares. Integrity cares.

Look, I don't care. I just care that he cares.

It's lame that he cares.

Shoelace came untied. Could happen to anybody.

That's your excuse? Britta weighs 5 pounds.

Troy can't swim. I've never seen the ocean.

Uh, I can swim, racist.

Listen to me. On my boat, the crew comes first.

No single person is above it.

You either shape up or ship the hell out.

Now I know what the C in captain stands for.

Crab apple.

I thought you said kind people were always kind.

Yes. And strong people change.

If the sea was always still and calm, nobody would respect her.

I'm like the sea. Hey.

Cuckoo birds, do you mind? This is important.

College is where mental problems activate.

I hope I get multiple personalities.

I get lonely in long showers.

[♪♪♪]

SLAUGHTER: The barometer's dropping. The temperature is warm, but we're heading into a high-pressure flow.

That's a perfect storm.

Reef the mainsail and furl the jib.

Is that nautical talk or urban speak?

We have to turn back.

Accidental jibe.

Hit the deck.

[GROANS]

Oh! Man overboard.

BRITTA: Pierce is dead!

No, wait. His stomach is moving.

BRITTA: Oh, my God. Pierce.

Ugh. That's it. Pull me in.

The storm is overtaking you, captain.

We don't have time.

I'm trying as hard as I can. I have skinny arms.

I said, we don't have time.

[♪♪♪]

What? No. Pull--

Wait. Pull me in.

What do you mean, "time"? That's it.

What? No.

No!

Bring the boom amid ship.

No! No!

What in God's name have we done?

[CRYING]

Hey.

Get out of my parking spot, dipwad.

Security.

Take an intermediate class if you're an intermediate.

Don't come in here making your fear of failure our problem.

I mean, it's crazy. It's crazy.

I mean, he's a crazy person.

[WHISPERING]: I'm scared.

It's okay. This is good for him.

He's confronting his own limitations.

Busted.

Fatal mistake, Richy boy.

You are busted. I am?

You just used the "throwing off the hump" method.

That's an advanced pottery technique, which I know because last night, I read the Encyclopedia of Pottery.

What are you talking about?

You are no beginner, Santa Fe.

Hey, what is going on, my blueberries?

Show him what you did. No.

I rest my case.

What case? Throw the freaking hump!

What are you doing? No. Hey! Hey!

It's the hilarious guy-on-guy.

One rule I asked you to follow. One.

Look. [ANNIE GASPS]

Made before he died. It's not in bad taste.

Out, Winger. Fine. That's fine.

[PEOPLE GASP]

Congratulations. You've failed a class so easy that people passing get a contact credit.

♪ Oh, my love ♪

♪ My darling ♪

[SCREAMING]

♪ Touch ♪

♪ Are you still mine? ♪

Pierce. Still have the number of that investigator you used when you thought Ross Perot was sleeping with your mom?

That guy in your class? Yeah.

Face the facts. This kid's got talent you just don't have.

How would you know? It's all over the school.

Great.

Why aren't you in sailing class?

They drowned me.

Why? For a better grade.

But weren't we discussing your flaws, Jeff?

Why are you letting this guy get to you?

What's really going on? I made a bad pot.

I always thought that I was special and different.

And I guess I just have a really hard time when I want to be good at something and I suck.

Uh-huh.

Here, give me a hand.

What are you doing?

I'm going back to my sailing class.

After they murdered you?

Jeffrey, when I was born,

I got my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, both arms and one of my ankles.

Mom said the doctors stopped delivering me and just started laughing.

I mean, if I ever let being bad at something stop me,

I wouldn't even be here.

That thing some men call failure, I call living.

Breakfast.

And I'm not leaving till I've cleaned out the buffet.

Now, how about a shove?

[♪♪♪]

Good luck, Pierce.

Don't need it. Never had it.

Britta, trim the boom flat.

Troy, sit windward to heel the boat.

My, the sea has a worthy opponent.

Oh, my God, it's Pierce.

[♪♪♪]

Man, that guy's life is one big joke.

I feel bad for him, but things have been smoother since he drowned.

I bet he gets that all the time.

[GRUNTING]

Oh. Oh. Hey. Hey.

TROY: Oh, my God. It's going down!

Pierce is going to be the only person ever to drown in a parking lot, twice. [LAUGHTER]

Help! Damn the storm.

We're going after Pierce. Jump the halyard.

Star-Burns, man the iron jinny.

There's a man overboard. That's an order.

PIERCE: I'm gonna sink.

I'm about to get the only A I will ever get, and Pierce isn't even dying. Bailing.

You don't have to do this.

I know. But I'd rather be kind and get stepped on every once in a while than be a hard-ass and turn my back on a friend.

Hoist the mains.

I don't want to go this way.

[♪♪♪]

SHIRLEY: We're coming, Pierce.

PIERCE: Help.

SHIRLEY: How's it looking?

We've gotta go faster. Okay, come on, Star-Burns.

It's filling with water.

[INAUDIBLE]

[♪♪♪]

It's going down.

Pierce, we're coming.

Dear God. Dear God.

Oh, yes. Oh, Britta.

Troy.

Here you go. We gotcha.

Here you go. Okay.

[LAUGHS]

Are you okay? You all right?

You just steered your boat into a storm. Any last words?

The sea may be cold and unforgiving, but I'm not.

The ship might go down but at least she'll go down with honor.

I'll take your captain's hat because I'm promoting you to admiral.

You all get an A. Oh!

Admiral Shirley. I like that.

It means nothing, really, the class is over.

But you deserve it.

Somebody has to do this.

I'm king of the--

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Don't ruin a perfect week.

[♪♪♪]

I'm not gonna spoon you again. I appreciate that.

Yeah, I can't fully explain my behavior.

I'd love to blame booze or demon possession--

You know what? Don't worry about it.

I'm bad at holding grudges.

Well, I'm bad at pottery.

I'm an amateur pottery enthusiast trying as hard as I can at something I suck at.

It's great. And the teacher said I could stay if I don't have any more Ghost bursts.

Fantastic. Well, good luck.

Don't need it.

JEFF'S MOM: Jeff, you're a normal person.

There's nothing very special about you at all.

You're going to be great at a few things, but really crappy at many more.

And that takes a lot of the pressure off so you can live a full, happy life.

And sorry it took me so long to tell you that,

and it was only in your imagination.

My bad. Kind of a sloppy mom.

That's okay, Mom. Nobody's perfect.

I'm still scared.

RICH'S MOM: Clay ashtray. You're an idiot.

Why do you have time to make pottery?

Couldn't you use a little more practice being a doctor?

Not that it'll ever bring your brother back to life.

It was supposed to be you

on that roller coaster, Richard.

It was supposed to be you!

Whoo!

Oh, come on. Again?

Good grief.