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Contemporary American Poultry

I think I'm failing Psychopharmacology.

Why are you taking that?

I thought it was a class about crazy farm animals, okay?

Let's finish the unit. I don't wanna be late for lunch.

Amar is to love, right?

Oh, speaking of love,

Shirley, how's it going with the sexy dreadlock guy?

Oh, I'm sure I don't have a chance with him.

Abed and I talked to him by the vending machine.

He asked about you. He specifically asked about me?

When Annie brought you up, he asked, "Who is that?"

Abed. Oh.

What? That's what he said.

Abed, your social skills aren't exactly streets ahead.

You know what I mean? I don't.

You're not alone in this case. Pierce.

Stop trying to coin the phrase, "Streets ahead."

Trying?

[LAUGHS] Coined and minted.

Been there, coined that.

"Streets ahead" is verbal wildfire.

Does it just mean cool, or is it supposed to be like miles ahead?

If you have to ask, you're streets behind.

Okay. We can banter if we wanna banter.

But I'm leaving for lunch early. Me too.

ANNIE: Me three. PIERCE: Streets ahead.

Man, you guys really love these stupid chicken fingers.

They're the only good thing in the cafeteria.

I haven't had one in weeks. They run out so fast.

If God were edible, not that I'm Catholic, but if it was cool to eat God, he'd be a chicken finger.

Mm-hm.

Well, I wouldn't know. I'm a vegetarian.

Oh, shocker. ANNIE: Yeah.

If you guys knew how they treated the animals that you're eating, you would eat them even faster to put them out of their misery.

And then you would throw up.

I don't know, maybe I'm feeling extra protective of animals today because my cat is sick.

JEFF: Oh, a cat? That's awful.

BRITTA: He has diabetes.

He can't even make it to the litter box.

Chicken run. ANNIE: Whoo!

I'm afraid that I'm gonna have to put her to sleep and--

Mm-hm.

Aw, go on. God bless you.

Save some for me!

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

GIRL: Troy.

I can hear those fingers calling my name.

GIRL: Troy. Troy, Troy.

GIRL: Did you get my text message?

Did you get my text message?

Um, I think it's...

GIRL: Hi.

I gotta stop hanging out with her.

She sounds like a chicken finger.

Again?

PIERCE: Outrageous.

At least apologize.

How can you just stand there like a mute idiot?

Well, throat surgery might humanize you.

It doesn't make this acceptable.

So cute.

And I don't even normally like dreadlocks.

Hello.

His dreadlocks remind me of the Predator.

Which is weird because you're doing the actual hunting, and you seem invisible to him.

Abed, you know what I do?

Before I talk, I ask myself,

"What am I about to say?

And how might it affect each person listening?"

I'm really glad you said that.

The idea that you compulsively filter yourself makes your lack of flavor kind of a flavor.

Sorry, guys, they ran out again.

Something's gotta be done.

Oh, I love chicken fingers.

Hey. Oh, you're the man.

What the hell, man?

That's half our problem right there.

Star-Burns works the fryer and skims fingers.

No way. He gives them to people just so they'll act like he isn't Star-Burns.

Well, I may not eat meat, but I am not gonna eat that injustice.

Let's complain. Yeah.

We complain, he gets a warning, learns to be sneakier.

I say we knock him out of the kitchen, replace him with one of our own all in one move.

Then we're the ones with the chicken.

It's like a mafia movie.

ABED: As far back as I can remember,

I always wanted to be in a mafia movie.

Cool. That's exactly what it's like.

And you get the most important job.

You're gonna be fry cook.

Watching different movies.

You worked in your dad's restaurant.

Apply for the job after we get Star-Burns fired.

I don't know. I don't know about the firing.

I think he really relies on that income.

PIERCE: Yeah, man.

Every day you flock like sheep and wait in line for a broken promise from a dirty system.

ABED: Back in those days,

Jeff was the guy that made things happen.

He always knew what to say, and when to slap the table.

You wanna be sheep, keep flocking.

You wanna be wolves, form a pack.

And that was it. It was that simple.

At that moment, we stopped being a family

and started being a family in italics.

Britta got cozy with Star-Burns.

Can I touch both of--? Oh. Yeah.

He lowered his guard.

He was gone.

I mean, the way Jeff saw it, by not respecting us,

Star-Burns had basically brought it on himself.

And when his job opened up, we did what we had to do

to keep the list of applicants to a minimum.

I had worked in my dad's restaurant,

so I had an impressive résumé.

It's very impressive. Especially your reference.

Just give them a call right now.

But we weren't taking any chances.

The fix was in.

Trump Tower, this is Donald.

Well, he can deep-fry the hell out of chicken.

Troy even applied for the same job

and gave the world's worst interview.

Just to make me look better, and that was that.

This was the glorious time.

No more racing to the cafeteria. No more lines.

To us, lines were for suckers, hacks, sheep.

We were wolves.

And we had the chicken to prove it.

To victory.

It feels unfamiliar, but it tastes like chicken.

Hi. Hello.

You guys are lucky. They're always running out.

Would you like one?

The name's Shirley, memorize it.

I will, Shirley.

See that, ladies? The universe goes by supply and demand.

The more you take and use, the more it sends.

Somebody's been taking extra.

What's in that container? Eight fingers.

Abed. Abed's study group.

Why you giving Chang chicken? We have an agreement.

If you get caught skimming, you get fired.

We all go back to eating like Britta.

Yeah, we put you in that job.

I dressed like a crazy pharaoh for you, man.

You make the fingers, Abed, not the decisions.

I'm sorry. It's okay, buddy.

But just remember, these things have power.

So just let me know next time you have any more agreements, all right?

I agreed to give Chang eight fingers per lunch in exchange for a 10 percent bump on every test for us.

SHIRLEY: Oh. PIERCE: Okay,

Abed makes the fingers and the decisions.

BRITTA: Yeah, I'm gonna pass Spanish class.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

ABED: At Greendale, they were always out of chicken fingers.

So whoever could get them had power.

I the guy was in the apron, so I came up with a system.

Pretty soon half the chicken at Greendale

was going out the side door.

Everybody in our crew had a job.

T-Bone was the bag man.

He'd move the fingers to a storeroom

where two girls did the packaging.

We could trust them not to eat the supply

because Britta was a vegetarian.

And Shirley figured that if she stole, she'd go to hell.

They'd hand the stuff out the window to Annie.

She was the leg man, the distributor.

The crazy thing was, it was their food.

And we were stealing it and giving it back to them

like it was a big favor.

Nobody asked any questions,

because Pierce's experience as a CEO

had taught him how to keep the wheels from squeaking.

I had it all worked out on a schedule.

You know, I've never been fired.

The minute you thought about busting us

was the minute you had chicken in your hand.

It's just insulting that you're eating his chicken fingers in front of me.

Everyone had their hand out. Everyone wanted what we had.

Oh. Well, here you go.

And Jeff had the most important job of all.

He was at the top. He was the boss.

He was our leader.

What the hell is going on?

AV kids hooked it up.

Abed supplied the whole department with chicken fingers.

You think that's good, check out my posse and Troy's monkey.

Troy, why do you have a monkey?

It's an animal that looks like a dude.

Why don't I have 10 of them?

Guys, look at what Abed scored for me.

It has a million zippers, and it was free.

SHIRLEY: Oh, robot.

I am a robot.

I am programmed to love this backpack.

This is insane.

More insane than programming them to replace auto workers?

What?

Okay, okay, if you're not in this study group, please...

SHIRLEY: No, no. That means you, sexy dreadlocks.

Britta's hairdresser. What?

Pierce's hackneyed entourage.

Hackneyed?

You see the turban guy? Yes... in a '90s ski movie that featured an entourage.

Don't you think this is getting out of hand?

We won't get caught. We have campus security on the take.

Abed's got it all figured out.

Well, that's a relief. Yeah, it's pretty cool being friends with the biggest man on campus.

Isn't that right, Annie's Boobs?

Please rename that thing.

This time, not with a contest on Twitter.

It's his Twitter account. He can do what he wants.

They are my body parts.

Know what I don't appreciate? I do not consent to this.

You'll be begging for his company.

ANNIE: I own that.

I wouldn't threaten a monkey.

They have more lactic acid than us.

Shared my chicken with him. Talk to the backpack.

TROY: You're the worst, Annie. PIERCE: Streets ahead.

WOMAN: Now, where's he going? Uh, hello?

Line starts behind you. Oh, he's cool.

WOMAN: Six fingers every Wednesday.

ABED: Cool. And what can you offer?

WOMAN: I have a bicycle. And I teach beginner's tennis.

ABED: Cool, okay.

Six fingers Wednesdays, all right.

We'll be in touch, Janel.

Thank you, Abed. You're welcome.

Hey, Jeff. Hey, buddy.

It's quite a setup you got here.

Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it.

It turns out everyone has needs and everyone has functions.

Look, I've been thinking.

Maybe I need to hit the big red button and bring an end to this operation.

I mean, it's been fun, but it's out of control now.

Am I right? I don't know.

The entire campus is controlled by our group.

Our group is controlled by chicken, and the chicken is controlled by me.

Float? I'm good.

Abed, the mafia movie is over.

I'm not doing a mafia movie.

I don't need to use movies or TV shows to talk to people anymore.

I needed them because the day-to-day world made no sense to me, but now everyone's speaking the same language: chicken.

I understand people and they understand me.

People are gonna get tired of chicken. I'm tired of chicken.

You're not tired of chicken. You miss the taste of control.

Well, that's crazy.

Is it?

The very thing that drove you to this room is what would prevent you from properly running this machine.

Or even being a cog in it, your ego.

I see. I see.

This has been about me the whole time.

You want a shot at the Jeff Winger throne?

You better bring a powerful ass.

Oh, and for your information, I don't have an ego.

My Facebook photo is a landscape.

You're the best, Eduardo.

Thank you all for coming. Can we make this quick?

I need to give a banana to Annie's Boobs.

Abed is drunk with chicken power.

He's gone from lovable Johnny Five to evil HAL.

Hal Holb-- Not Hal Holbrook.

What are you saying?

You all have to stop working for him.

Let this operation dry up and let his wheels spin down.

At which point you would be in charge again, right?

What? BRITTA: This is so sad.

You're jealous of Abed because he's providing for us.

I'm concerned about Abed because he won't listen to reason.

Won't listen to your reason.

Why should he? Jeff's so not--

Say, "Streets ahead," and die.

Streets ahead.

You wanna boss me around?

Get me an entourage. Get Troy a monkey.

That's what a real boss does.

We probably shouldn't be talking to him without checking with Abed. I'm trying him.

He's not picking up. What did you do with him?

I don't believe what greedy sellouts you people turned out to be.

I'm not gonna stand and be ignored.

Shh. Voicemail. Hey, Abed!

Jeff says you're not listening to him.

Does that mean we shouldn't listen to him either?

Oh, also, should we make special jackets for our crime family?

Like blazers with chicken finger patches.

I don't know, long message, I'm sorry.

That's it.

ANNIE: Oh! SHIRLEY: Abed!

[ALL CHEERING]

I'm walking out this door right now.

Okay. Okay, bye.

For real. Good.

I'm not gonna look back. Mm-hm.

Goodbye. SHIRLEY AND BRITTA: Goodbye.

BRITTA: Abed. SHIRLEY: Hi, hi, yeah.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, I got you fired.

You deserved it.

Maybe, maybe not.

The question is, what do they deserve?

Key to the kitchen.

There's a valve on the back of the chicken fryer that's not made anymore.

Now, say someone were to remove it.

The fryer wouldn't work.

Forever. How petty do you think I am?

ABED: Jeff leaving the family

didn't turn out to be a problem.

Okay, I think we're set for the quiz.

TROY: Yep. See you guys in class.

Oh, wait, before you go.

Oh, free notebooks.

But the family's success started to go to their heads.

They didn't have college ruled? No, sorry.

It's okay.

Abed? Yeah?

Can I talk to you for a minute? Sure.

We have a situation.

Hey. Who is this?

Travis. You wanted someone in your entourage named Travis.

Show him your license.

Travis is his middle name.

I go by Travis. No, you go by the door.

See you, Travis.

TROY: Abed? Yep?

No, no, no.

My monkey hates this caviar.

Troy, isn't that--?

They were spoiled, fat, lazy. I'd given them everything

and somehow I'd lost their respect.

So I did the only thing I could think of.

I did what I thought Jeff would do.

I sent them a message.

[DEREK & THE DOMINOES' "LAYLA (PIANO EXIT)" PLAYING]

MAN: Somebody's backpack.

These were the bad times.

SHIRLEY: There he is.

Jeff, Jeff. Jeff.

Jeff, Abed killed my backpack.

I caught him stuffing my man full of chicken.

Tyler Perry has movies about why that's wrong.

That little Arab is off his rocker.

He released Annie's Boobs.

Annie's Boobs could be anywhere.

Could be-- We got it.

The monkey's name is Annie's Boobs.

Look what Abed did to my hair.

I feel terrible for all of you.

Wait, no, I don't, because I warned you about all this.

You were so high on your backpacks and hairstyles, you accused me of being jealous.

You were right. But what can we do?

I'm sorry, you brushed over that first part.

Together.

ALL: You were right.

Now, what you can do is go home and write that on your bathroom mirror.

Wouldn't that make it like I was right?

Yeah. I don't have a mirror.

It's not reversed because you're the--

You'd have the mirror behind you.

And I would like--

As for Abed, for his sake, I guess I'll have to take him out.

Poor little guy. Oh, good, that's nice.

[OIL SIZZLING]

Abed.

What are you doing? Making Tater Tots.

You were right, people got sick of chicken, but I was close. I just need a new food, new system.

I'm gonna experiment with jalapeño poppers, then Zucchini Zircles. I don't get it.

It's not that complicated, Jeff.

Replaced the C in circle with a Z for zucchini.

No, I mean, why are you here?

You said you were close?

What were you close to?

To the group? To people?

Don't do a special episode about me.

Oh. I wouldn't dream of it.

Everyone else needs my help.

That's what people don't get, is that they need to get me.

I need to be able to connect to people like you can, and then I can make everyone happy.

Do you know why I'm here?

You got caught with a fake degree.

They started using that on Law & Order.

Total rip-off.

I'm here to dismantle the fryer.

To cut your power off at its source.

Don't you see what happened?

I manipulated the group into getting you the fry cook job so I could have some chicken.

And you turned it all into a way to make everyone like you.

Made me ashamed of myself, made me jealous.

Maybe this is a special episode.

It's pretty alarming behavior. Yeah.

There's specialists you could talk to.

Maybe I should do that.

In the meantime, let's make a deal.

I'll help you connect with people, and you help me do a better job with them.

Like Knight Rider. Exactly.

Like Knight Rider. Deal.

I'll put on a leather jacket, make out with an aerobics instructor. Pull around front, startle passers-by with your ability to talk.

Maybe we should just stay here and have a plate of chicken fingers.

Cool.

Can we eat them while sitting on a table like in Sixteen Candles? Pick one reference, Abed.

Sixteen Candles.

ABED: And just like that, the mafia movie was over.

I quit the fry cook job,

somewhat for the sake of the family,

but mostly for the sake of Jeff's ego, poor guy.

Things went back to normal.

Everyone's back to being a bunch of regular schnooks.

And I'm back to being a weirdo.

Back to watching from the outside for now.

There's still not enough chicken fingers.

No way, no seriously. What?

As soon as our family moved out,

a new syndicate moved in to take its place.

But you know what they'll never make a replacement for?

[IMITATES CIGAR HISSING]

Friends.

Okay, thank you. That's great, Abed.

But could you just answer the question?

What was it?

Do you know who might have stolen a box of hairnets from the kitchen?

Someone with hair. I'm gonna write that down.

[♪♪♪]

TROY: Ready?

Oh, that's nice. Never been done.

Here I come.

JEFF: Back up the same staircase.

It's good. TROY: Double escalator.

Wow. I haven't seen that before. How did you think of that?

And now for our signature trick. TROY: Awesome elevator.

No. I can't do it.

I got babies. I gotta get home.

It's their loss. Yeah.

That was awesome. Yeah.