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Messianic Myths and Ancient Peoples

This is what happened. We was camping.

We was eating.

And it was mountain lion jumped down and eat my leg.

I think a mountain lion jumped down and eat someone's grammar. Right?

The auto-tune remix is better.

Go to related videos. Uh-huh.

[AUTO-TUNED SINGING]

DUNCAN: Good.

Professor? Oh, Annie.

Don't start, we've been through this.

Anthropology is the study of humanity, nothing is off-topic.

No, it's just, I've seen this one.

Put in "Car Crash Camel Toe."

Oh, wait, wait, wait, "Ski Lift Ninja Crotch Rip."

DUNCAN: Crotch Rip.

MAN: I'm a ski lift ninja.

CLASS: Oh!

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

PIERCE: Look, Dolly Parton eating a hot dog.

Stop that. Yeah.

I can do what I want.

What happens if you type in "God"?

[STUDENTS BOOING]

Everyone hates you and asks-- Do not boo her.

This subject's lack of definition cuts both ways.

If farts are fair game, so is God.

Top hit, "God of Farts."

Yeah.

DUNCAN: You asked for it. TROY: It balances out.

[FART SOUND]

That's blasphemous. Who wants to see that?

Seventeen million people.

Oh.

There were nine people at my church last night.

Auto-tune "God of Farts." Yes.

Way ahead of you.

[FART SOUND AUTO-TUNE REMIXED TO TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

Abed?

Guess who's got two thumbs and has a career opportunity for you?

This guy.

I'm pointing my thumbs at God.

One thumb to say, "That's great."

I told my pastor about YouTube and how there's no light there.

Our church wants to sponsor the making of a video with a Christian message. Ha.

What, "Rapping Jesus"?

Please step aside and make room for a new generation.

Abed, would you like to make a Christian YouTube?

You're Muslim-- As a Muslim, I'd be happy to.

As a filmmaker, no. I'm a storyteller, not a preacher.

The Bible has been called the greatest story ever told.

Ben Lyons said the same thing about I Am Legend.

Oh, well, I'll have to rent that then.

Whoa. What?

That's a lot of pasta for no veggies.

You're not in charge of what I eat.

True. Britta.

And some damn broccoli, please.

Pierce has been acting out a lot lately, maybe you should talk to him.

How is that my job?

Aren't you, like, the dad?

Would the dad walk away from this conversation?

No? Uh--

You're having cookies for lunch? Yeah.

Hey, you didn't pay for those. Call a cop.

Heads up, gay wads. Oh, yummy.

They're better when they're free.

Fresh and stolen.

What are you looking at?

Your face.

That's what you're supposed to look at.

So? So you gonna sit down or what?

Oh, no, I usually sit with the younger people.

Well, la di da di da.

No, no, we watch videos on YouTune, and you guys don't know what that is.

We don't care. Pierce, looking for us?

We're sitting over there. I can see.

Sheesh. Did you take your pills?

Ooh. Meet Mama's boy.

We're having a private conversation here.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi, I'm Britta. Pierce's-- Pbbt!

Very nice meeting you guys.

[CHUCKLES]

[MIMICS BRITTA] "Very nice meeting you guys."

[ALL LAUGH]

She's a lesbian. Come on.

[♪♪♪]

Shirley, I read the New Testament.

The whole thing?

Being raised by TV and movies, I thought Jesus walked on water and told people not to have abortions, but it's cooler.

He was like E.T., Edward Scissorhands and Marty McFly combined.

I'd love to make a Jesus movie.

Abed, that's wonderful. What do you think we should do?

Needs to be cool and addictive.

Like that video of the kitten falling asleep.

The story's been told to death,

I wanna approach it in a new way.

We need a Jesus movie for the post post-modern world.

Like Jesus as a rapper?

No. I wanna tell the story of Jesus from the perspective of a filmmaker exploring the life of Jesus.

That sounds very appealing to filmmakers.

In the film, Jesus is a filmmaker trying to find God with his camera.

He realizes that he's Jesus and he's being filmed by God's camera.

It goes like that forever because the filmmakers are Jesus and the cameras are God.

And the movie is called, ABED.

All caps. Filmmaking beyond film.

A meta film.

My masterpiece.

I don't like it.

It's okay. You're reacting the way the world did to Jesus.

I'm reacting the way the world does to movies about making movies about making movies.

Come on, Charlie Kaufman, some of us have work in the morning.

You don't wanna work on the movie?

This means there is no movie.

[♪♪♪]

This is the movie.

The game is Jacks and Deuces wild.

Except if the dean comes in and then it's Bingo.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Keep it, I got another one.

If you get caught with that, just say it's your 90th birthday.

Suddenly, it's adorable.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

All right. All right now.

What is this again?

B-19.

No, B-19 my butt, I told you guys, no poker.

All right, shut this down.

Shut your mouth down, fruit.

Oh, hey, unacceptable.

None of your business, and barely the truth.

All right, everyone, go home.

Excuse me, mister? What, Pierce?

What year is it? What?

Poker helps him remember.

Veronica.

[SOFTLY] Okay.

Okay.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

You're okay, kid.

Shut up and deal, let's go.

Jesus, did you really die for our sins? That's dopey.

Oh, uh-- Dope.

Oh, Freudian slip.

Perhaps due to my feeling dopey. Do the line, atheist.

[ANGRILY] Jesus, did you really die for our sins?

That's dope.

If you think that's dope, check out these

"beat-titudes."

[CHUCKLES]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS OVER KEYBOARD]

♪ Blessed be the peacemaker's Word to the meek ♪

♪ The kingdom of Heaven Is open all week ♪

♪ Jesus and me-- ♪♪ [EXPLOSION]

ABED: I have arrived.

I am watched as I am watching.

I am audience and creation.

[♪♪♪]

The Earth shall know my power.

Abed, what are you doing?

Oh, great. You blew the take.

No, no, keep rolling.

This can all be part of it. CROWD: Ahh...

ABED: There are no takes.

There is no viewer.

The film is the story, the story is us.

We are the film.

This is totally meta.

Let's get back to our non-meta production, shall we?

Come on. No, I wanna watch this.

Troy, there's no time.

Then we quit. Right, Britta?

I don't even believe in God, but I love me some Abed.

Yeah. What are you--?

But...

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

STUDENT: Oh, look at it.

"The story of the story is the story."

Sure, that'll play in Poughkeepsie.

I heard some theaters are gonna show it in reverse.

I heard it's the same movie backward and forward.

I heard the deleted scenes are the scenes and the scenes are the deleted scenes.

I heard Jesus died for our sins.

Wait, guys.

The director's answering questions in the cafeteria.

And it both is and isn't part of the movie.

Yes. Get a table.

[♪♪♪]

Abed, are we all in the movie right now?

We are all in a movie even when there are no cameras.

When will the movie be released?

When is life released?

Every minute is a world premiere.

My father has already bought the popcorn.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Excuse me, Abed?

But you aren't actually trying to say that you're Jesus, are you?

I am who you say I am.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Okay, yeah. Whoo.

It's meta now.

Except here is a thing:

I am a devout Christian, and you guys are feeding into this poor boy's delusions.

So cool. She's an actual, real-life Pharisee.

Hey, bitch, why don't you go back to your temple?

STUDENT 1: Yeah. STUDENT 2: Yeah.

Why don't you all stop confusing Jesus with an egotistical, filmmaking lunatic?

[CROWD GASPS]

I forgive her.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

So how's your film going, Abed?

Blasphemously.

It's not blasphemy to say that we are God, Shirley.

First Corinthians:

He who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

Did you just scripture me, Muslim?

Jesus was Jewish.

Are you ever gonna let that go? JEFF: Hey.

No religious talk.

Somebody's late.

What is that in your pocket?

Jeff, Britta, Pierce is smoking cigars.

What's it to you, butt breath? Oh.

Look at your eyes. Out all night with those hipsters?

Hipsters?

Pack of old people in the cafeteria.

"Hipsters" because they have hip replacements.

They do not.

Leonard will probably kick your ass.

Leonard?

You're hanging out with Leonard?

You know I hate him. So?

Everybody hates him. That's why he's cool.

You people don't get it.

I'm not sure that I want to get it.

Take a break from these new friends of yours.

They've got you all riled up.

That's what Leonard said you'd say.

JEFF: Leonard is not a part of this study group.

So you apologize right now to-- What?

I'm not your father.

I never said you were.

Where are you going? Out.

Uh-- When did Pierce become awesome?

I'm gonna shut you down, know that?

I do.

I'm supposed to shut you down.

I'm not gonna do it. Don't.

I won't. Good.

I am gonna shut you down. Good.

[♪♪♪]

You should have seen his face.

He was terrified.

You're his worst nightmare now.

You're old and you don't give a damn.

Boo-yah! Ha-ha.

[SHIRLEY INHALES DEEPLY]

Don't make eye contact, we'll be fine.

Okay.

Silly old wuss.

LEONARD: Hey-- JOE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The dude is got a date. Little lovely.

Please give us a break? JOE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't wanna see you when I come back.

Go, run. We've made them angry.

We've made them angry. He left his keys.

Oh, who's up for a joy ride?

I don't know. We could get into serious trouble.

Oh, come on.

If we get caught, we can just pretend we're disoriented, they can give us a ride home.

Where am I?

What year is it?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

But we've all been drinking.

Oh, grow a schmekel.

[HIPSTERS LAUGHING]

Okay, everyone, this is the last scene.

I wanna thank you all for contributing to the greatest film ever made.

And on the seventh day, Shirley shut down production.

Abed, Shirley has informed me you are using school equipment on school property to make a religious film.

She has filed an official complaint, invoking the separation of church and state.

Pointed out the irony to her. Don't give a crap.

Let's be ironic, shut it down.

Abed, are you making a religious film?

All movies are religious to me.

Nice.

But is it a movie about Jesus?

Is The Matrix? Is RoboCop?

Is Superman Returns?

All stories are about death and resurrection.

I've got one, Wrath of Khan. That's a good one.

Spock sacrifices himself for the crew and gets reborn.

How captivating was Ricardo Montalban in that? I'm serious--

Except in Abed's film, the character's name isn't Spock.

That's true. It's Abed.

Oh. I'm getting creative goosebumps here.

I love Charlie Kaufman.

ABED: I need to run into editing, grab a chair and you can watch a take.

[♪♪♪]

I would love that.

I've never watched a take before. This is exciting.

Uh-- You...

Say what you will about Abed, but the man cannot be killed.

[CHUCKLES]

I mean, it's almost like he's Jesus.

I got it.

I don't think we should be driving,

I mean, we're all, you know, old and groggy.

Ah. Stop worrying.

Richard flew zeroes during the Big One.

What do you mean "flew zeroes"? He's not Japanese.

What did you fly during the Big One, Rich?

Where am I? Oh, stop farting around.

Seriously, I don't know where I am.

What year is it?

How do I drive?

[ALL YELLING]

Hey, give me it.

PIERCE: Look out, look out.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

Let's bail.

Wait a minute, what about Richard?

Screw Richard, it's every man for himself.

I'm getting out of here.

Richard, are you all right?

Well...

Am I Richard?

Yes. Then I'm fine.

But who are those people that ran away?

Our friends?

That's a good question. Oh.

[♪♪♪]

What is?

ABED [OVER MONITOR]: There are no takes. There is no viewer.

The film is the story, the story is us.

We are the film.

So, what do you think?

I need to take a walk.

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

Dear God. My movie is the worst piece of crap

I have ever seen in my entire life.

How could I have been so blind?

It's a self-indulgent, adolescent mess.

I can barely sit through it.

And now with all this hype,

I've got a real Snakes on a Plane brewing.

Critics are gonna crucify me, my career will be over before it begins.

God, if you're out there, I know I don't deserve it, but I need your help.

Please take this project away from me.

Make it rain.

Send a meteor.

Anything. Please?

Now?

Okay, I get it.

This is what I deserve.

I'll finish it up.

[♪♪♪]

[ELECTRICITY POWERING DOWN]

Hi. I'm Pierce Hawthorne's emergency contact.

Here to pick him up? No.

I'm here to be removed as his emergency contact.

One second. LEONARD: Hey.

I've got a class.

Does anybody have--? Where is everybody?

Is anyone coming to get Leonard?

No, nobody comes for him anymore.

His kids asked us to stop calling them.

Why do you think he acts like that?

[♪♪♪]

RICHARD: So we're in prison, right?

All right, bring him out.

Come here, Pierce. Up, up.

Ahem. Hey. Go wait in the car.

It wasn't my fault. Go wait in the car.

[LAUGHS]

You want me to change that or not?

I guess not.

Could you do me a favor?

Could you add Britta Perry as a contact?

P-E-R-R-Y.

Give her a call a couple times a week?

She gets pretty worried about him.

And she works days, so make sure you call at night.

[♪♪♪]

Everyone thinks what you did was destined to happen.

That it was proof God was making my movie.

A movie so good it could never exist.

They think I'm a genius, and they think you're a villain.

Hmm.

You heard me praying.

I don't know what you mean.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

Abed sent me a new link and that man knows his video virality.

So you're just gonna drop all pretense of actually teaching us?

Yeah. Here we go.

♪ Blessed be the peacemaker's Word to the meek ♪

♪ The kingdom of Heaven Is open all week ♪

You finished my movie.

Don't know what you mean.

♪ Only from The saint there ♪

♪ Lepers have feet there Dogs love cats there ♪

♪ Cats love mice ♪

You humble me.

You humble me too.

♪ And the tables are pies ♪

♪ Ice cream is everywhere But never on your thighs ♪

♪ Good news is It can be your hood ♪

Okay, open your books because Abed has broken the Internet.

♪ As in word of God, yo ♪♪

[CHUCKLES]

[IN UNISON] Great.

So which one of us is gonna head home and...

BOTH: Change.

[HUMMING]

ALL: Hilarious.

So you guys bought one of my outfits, and then staked out my apartment every day until I wore it?

That's not pathetic.

Okay.

Well, good job.

I guess I'm heading home to change now.

I hit traffic, did I miss it?

ALL: Darn it.