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Aerodynamics of Gender

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Ready for the Bus Driver, Winger?

Know why they call me Bus Driver?

You've been traveling?

Because I'm taking your butt to school.

Nice. Heh, heh.

Cool, I'm up. No, game's to 15.

Since when? Since you scored 11.

Sorry, Abed, I have to finish kicking Troy's butt.

All that angry talk about butts.

Kick your butt, stomp your butt, punch your butt.

Do they say "punch your butt"?

Point is, hatred of each other's butts.

Men play sports so they can seek out and destroy their own sensitivity.

Oh, I never thought about it that way. Mm-hm.

Think we'll learn that in our women's studies class?

Hell, no. We're gonna find our roots in that class and stop defining our gender by theirs.

Well, I feel bad saying it, but it will be nice to get away from the boys and take a class with just us. Amen.

Or a-women.

Am I right?

Bring it in for a boob bump, ladies.

SHIRLEY: Uh... No? We'll get there.

Hey, guys.

Remember when you played with those remote control cars and you thought you were real cool?

Well, it turns out you're not.

DraganFlyer, beyotch.

Yep, four propellers. It's got a built-in spy cam.

Range, 100 yards, and it will strangle your stupid cars' little butts.

Pierce, we're in a game. Yeah.

And we're really not into RC anymore.

What? But that's a DraganFlyer.

Come on, Pierce.

JEFF: Pierce. I can't control it.

There's a little pilot in there. Whoa!

Stop it.

[WOMEN SCREAM]

Knuckle walkers.

Sorry, it was an accident.

So was the Y chromosome, but you don't see us throwing stuff at it.

[CHUCKLES]

Where are you guys going?

Away from your symbolically invasive balls to a women's studies class.

Which women's class?

Feminist Representations in Media.

I'm in. Abed, we kind of thought this would be something just for the girls.

Sounds like it. I'd love to learn more about you.

I'll change out of my sport clothes and meet you there.

Um...

♪ You just lost ♪

♪ You just lost a game ♪

♪ You just lost ♪

♪ You just lost a game ♪

♪ With Troy ♪

Hey, sore loser.

Yeah, proud of it. I want a rematch.

[GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

Hey, guys. I raced here so I could save us four seats.

Thanks, Abed, but Annie can't see the board from this far back. She lost her glasses.

I've never seen you wear glasses.

I wear contacts, but I couldn't find them without glasses, which I wear.

Cool, cool, cool.

Are we bad people?

No, I love Abed, but sometimes he can't take a hint.

We told him, this is a girl thing.

Ahem.

Excuse me, we were gonna sit there.

Oh, sorry, we didn't know, but now we're sitting here, so...

That's the problem.

You don't seriously expect us to get up and change seats for you.

Well, if you're further in back, less people will see your roots.

Um, excuse me?

Oh, the way you excuse your little mustache hairs?

You know what? We're good people, so we will find seats elsewhere.

It's called the high road.

I hope it leads to a salon.

ALL: Oh!

You're back.

The leader's name is Meghan.

Why name your daughter Meghan?

Are you stocking up for a bitch shortage?

The one with the hole in her sweater's armpit?

Or whose sleeves are pushing her fat toward her elbows?

No, those are her cronies.

The one with crooked ears and no ankles?

Ha. Damn. Sorry, I overdescribed again?

No, no, Abed.

Describe those girls all you want.

In fact, what are you doing for lunch?

It's Wednesday. Sometimes I eat in Jeff's car.

Don't tell him.

Troy, where are you?

You would go this far to avoid a rematch?

[♪♪♪]

Jeff, what is this thing?

In my line of work?

A multimillion-dollar injury suit.

I thought schools got rid of these things.

I can't believe Greendale allows it.

JOSHUA: Greendale doesn't.

That's why it's hidden.

Who else saw you come in?

If we say nobody, are you going to stab us with your bush scissors?

Of course not.

I'm Joshua.

And this is a place of peace and balance.

A place of nourishment.

A place free from darkness.

Because there's a trampoline?

There is something cool about being up here, Jeff.

I mean, at first, I was just jumping, but then--

But then, you started bouncing.

Like a baby on the knee of a goddess.

Yes. Yes.

Jeff, get on.

Oh, one at a time, please.

I must ask you to adhere to two simple principles.

First, for this place to survive it must stay secret.

Second, no double bouncies.

JOSHUA: Feet, shoulder width apart.

Knees bent.

Just breathe.

At the apex of each bounce, there's a moment outside of time, outside of words, outside of everything.

A perfect moment.

A silent moment.

[♪♪♪]

I call it the world's whisper.

Wow. You're right.

And I don't mind admitting you're right.

Which is weird.

Thirty seconds on this thing and I already feel--

Jeff, you've been up there for an hour.

[CHUCKLES]

[JEFF & TROY LAUGHING]

Yes.

BRITTA: Okay, Abed, girl in the pink. Go.

Her forehead hangs over her head like a canopy.

Missed a belt loop. Her stomach spills over her shorts.

Target destroyed.

It's called a muffin top, Abed.

Like a muffin. Clever.

You said it's rude to focus on imperfections.

This is the stuff I filter, right?

Absolutely. It's just kind of a guilty pleasure to hear it about certain girls.

Like Meghan and her friends, because they're bitches.

Oh, hoo-hoo. That's nice. Who needs a soda?

I'll get it. I'm making you happy, I wanna keep it going.

WOMEN: Aw.

Okay, I love Abed so much.

I know, it's like he's one of the girls.

Uh, guys?

Uh-oh.

Yeah, do you mind not looking at me?

Do you mind that your face makeup doesn't match your neck?

When I squint, you look like a circus clown.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, I beg your pardon, geek?

I don't even know your peanut-headed ass.

We've never met. Like your hair and dandruff shampoo.

Ha, ha, ha. Filet of Meghan. Service for one.

Okay, Abed, let's get back to the table.

Yeah, Abed, go with your skank.

Or keep going, up to you.

About what? Her uneven bra padding?

You look like you're smuggling a lime and a coconut.

Go away, loser. Tell that to the stitching in your ratty panties. Or wear higher jeans on laundry day.

Damn. That dis made me snarf, yo.

You know what, you're dead?

You're bow-legged. See you.

BRITTA: Women of Greendale.

This cafeteria is hereby declared a Bitch-Free Zone.

[ALL CHEERING]

Whoot, whoot, whoot!

[♪♪♪]

I can't tell you how great I feel.

I wasn't sure that you would take to the trampoline's ways.

Some can't.

And some are just natural jumpers.

See you tomorrow, Joshua. We better bounce.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Whoa.

That's Sharice. I had sociology with her last year.

She told me I walk like a dude.

That's awful. Abed, got anything?

I might have something to say about those jeans.

You guys are sure it's not bad?

Isn't that bad when you're doing it to bad girls.

You're really good at it. You're like a machine.

Like RoboCop. Exactly like Rowboat Cop.

Sharice is a bad rowboat.

Sink her.

Affirmative.

[BLEEPING]

You look like a dude in those jeans.

They're bad. Bad.

[CRYING]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, you dudes ready to shoot the rock after study group?

I'm gonna slit your butts' throats.

Nice catch, losers. Go get it.

Sorry, Pierce. We're not really into basketball anymore.

PIERCE: What?

What's up with you guys? Why are you acting like that?

Like what?

Ah! Gay boots. Lady boots. Heh, heh, heh.

He's a gay wad.

Those as comfortable as they look?

They're like wearing a pair of dreams.

I'm sure your shoes are fine, though.

You know what? They are.

Something's up with you two. I wanna know what it is.

Are you on weed?

Give me some, I'll smoke you two under the table.

Man, I feel so good.

It's like the campus is a gutter and we're spraying it clean.

Abed, I need you to come to the bank with me to have words with a certain something.

We'll take them down. We'll take all these bitches down.

Ladies, are you okay? Take it easy.

Um, did you just tell us what to do?

Here's the thing, it's a little rule.

Maybe you're not familiar with it.

Nobody tells me what to do, ever.

Whoa, cowboy. I surrender.

Abed, did you hear that?

Jeff's a bitch too? Yes.

Take him down. Cool. Hey, Jeff, what's with the boots?

2008 called to tell you that even in 2008, those were tacky. You go, girl.

Damn.

Why don't we just all take a deep breath and find some center?

Okay, that is it.

What are you hiding from me?

They're keeping relaxation secrets.

Tell me how to get laid back or I'll kill your families!

BRITTA: Okay, this place is lame.

Girls. Abed.

Toodles.

I'm watching you two.

Twenty four, 2010.

These balls, on your butts.

Quick bounce before lunch? Absolutely.

Let me just make sure that Pierce isn't hovering around.

Coast is clear.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

What did you see, my pretty?

Wait. Back, back.

Freeze it.

Can you blow that up a little? Enhance.

Enhance.

Enhance.

Stop. That's it.

Blow it up.

There it is.

Um, excuse me, girls, you're sitting in our seats.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Oh, I didn't know you were deaf.

I suspected you were blind from the outfit.

[GASPS]

SHIRLEY: Toodles.

ANNIE: See you.

Wait, why were you mean to them? Did they insult you?

No, but that top insulted our retinas.

[ALL LAUGHING]

BRITTA: Go, girl.

Bad isn't that bad when you're doing it to bad girls.

[BEEPING]

Annie, when you laugh like that, you snort like a piglet.

Careful, Abed. Be careful with your skin.

Your face is puffy, your eyes look like buttons.

Check that attitude at the door.

Check the door before you go through it.

What? What?

Abed, you cannot talk to us that way.

Someone has to. You guys are being bitches.

We're not bitches. We were just joking.

If that makes us bitches, we're all bitches.

Mm-hm. Good point, Annie. Mm-hm. You told him.

Affirmative. You're all bitches.

Nice shirt. It would look better on a girl.

You're not fooling us with that Band-Aid, it's a zit.

You're all bitches. Triple bitches.

Bitch, bitch, bitch. Hey, bitch.

Bitch. You're a bitch. I'm a bitch. You're a bitch.

[♪♪♪]

[RUSTLING]

Pierce.

Ha, ha.

How did you find us?

DraganFlyer, beyotch.

So this is the big secret, huh?

You two sneak out here and hang out on the big gay trampoline.

Lower your voice, Pierce.

This is our place of peace.

Yes, and now it's mine too.

Mine.

This is great.

I wanna go higher.

Please, you're doing it all wrong.

I wanna go higher.

Get up here and double bounce me.

That's not how we do things here.

Get up here and double bounce me or I'll tell everybody about this place.

Come on.

God as my witness, I will tweet it.

[WHIMPERING]

Unh! Double bounce me!

Why are you doing this?

Double bounce me. Do it!

Pierce, that's enough.

I hate you. I hate you.

Double bounce me!

Father.

My legs. Ow!

Oh, my legs!

PIERCE: Illegal trampoline!

They have an illegal trampoline back there!

Black jeans? Nice try, Michael Penn.

Bangs aren't covering anything.

Pegged jeans. Sweater balls. Crow's feet.

Back hair into neck hair into regular hair?

Look it up because you have it. WOMAN: You are just mean.

Nice. Who taught you how to be a juice box?

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

Don't worry, I come in peace.

And whatever shampoo you're using seems to be doing the trick.

What do you want? To restore the natural order.

What are these?

Destruct codes.

Get the blow torch over here.

Well, that seems a little excessive.

Joshua.

We've been looking for you all over.

Where are you going?

I got fired. I'm leaving.

Joshua, we are so sorry.

Don't apologize. It's my fault.

Guess that's what I get for trusting some black guy.

[ALL LAUGH]

What? When you found the trampoline,

I thought the only way to protect it was to let you use it.

Guess it goes to prove what I already knew:

Non-whites ruin everything.

Oh, my God.

Joshua was racist?

That came out of nowhere.

Did it?

A place free from darkness.

And some are just natural jumpers.

It's going to be a maze.

Maybe I just didn't wanna believe it.

Maybe that's the lesson here.

Purity that demands exclusion isn't real purity.

Maybe paradise is a lie.

PIERCE: Not exactly.

Paradise exists.

Right here.

For once, he's actually right.

Let me buy you some ice cream.

My white guilt is doing somersaults.

Worth it.

[♪♪♪]

Paradise.

Hey, horse-neck.

So, what's with the clothes?

I mean, you look like a toddler who got dressed in the dark.

MAN: Ha, ha. Snap, here it comes, y'all.

Look at your face.

It's like your mom was a lizard who got raped by a Muppet.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

That burn was brought to you by the letter S, as in snap.

What? Too hurt to respond?

That's right. You don't have feelings.

The rest of us feel ashamed of ourselves, so we act like bitches to make ourselves feel better.

But you did it to fit in.

And no matter how hard you try, you never will.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Snap, snap, snap! Give it up!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[MOUTHING]: Thank you.

CHANG: Snap! Snap! Snap!

Abed, are you okay?

That was so cruel.

I deserved it.

I should have never been mean to anybody.

I tried to fit in, I took it too far.

We took it too far. We became the kind of women that we hate, and we turned you into a monster.

The kind of monster that makes outlandish statements about weight.

Those kind of things hurt, even when they're not true.

And all because we were insecure.

Everyone is. Even Tom Cruise knows he's short and nuts.

We're at the mercy of each other.

That's why there has to be forgiveness on both sides.

SHIRLEY: Oh, Abed.

Goodness. What happened to Pierce?

Long story.

Men.

Yeah.

[WOMEN SCREAM]

Pierce, will you knock it off?

I told you, I'm not controlling it, there's a little man inside.

Hi. PILOT: Pierce.

Listen, I wanted to let you know, Pierce, it's okay to exceed the recommended daily dosage.

And don't let anybody tell you different!

Who's going to be in charge of making sure he doesn't OD?

What? When did we start doing that?

Three, two, one.

BOTH: ♪ Troy and Abed In the Morning ♪

And we're back with Greendale's resident animal expert,

Star-Burns. My name is Alex.

Star-Burns joins us with his pet turtle, Shelly.

Now, I understand Shelly can eat over five mice a day.

That's impressive. Turtles don't eat mice.

What do they eat?

I don't know.

Pellets? I have no idea.

That's disappointing. That's not good.

What is going on? I was studying for my econ midterm.

You guys walk in, hand me this turtle and tell me to smile for the folks at home.

What folks at home?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

These things give you salmonella, you know.

Let's go to Garrett with a check on the weather.

It's still sunny.