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Mixology Certification

ALL: ♪ To you ♪

[CHEERING AND BLOWING NOISEMAKERS]

That was weird. We only sang the last two words.

What happened to the "happy birthday" part?

He's a Jehovah's Witness, doesn't celebrate birthdays.

We kept the language on the cake compliant.

"Hello during a random dessert,

"the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus."

You guys. I never cry, but--

All right, happy expulsion, Troy.

But after cake, we cram, for realsies.

Guys, finals are coming up.

This group is starting to use occasions to avoid studying.

Last week we had fondue and played Boggle because Shirley's niece took her first bath.

With bubbles. Thank you, it's a milestone.

Funny, last week was my birthday and nobody noticed and nobody cared.

Pierce, you don't remember the huge party we threw?

We need to talk about those painkillers.

I don't think you remember anything--

ANNIE: Huge party, you were like,

"The best party of my life."

ABED: Nutritious. Got you!

[CHUCKLES]

Of course I remember my birthday.

What a party.

Yeah, you still owe me for the keg deposit.

Oh, you think I don't know that?

Troy. JEFF: Troy.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

"Kickpuncher: Detroit"? No way, this is sold out everywhere.

Not everywhere.

I got a cousin in Detroit, they're not crazy about it.

This is how you turn 20. Thanks.

There's strawberries under there.

Let me help you.

I broke my legs, not my gender.

Okay.

ANNIE: While we're watching this unfold, some birthday facts to enjoy.

Troy's birthday is tomorrow, December 4th.

Also born that day, Tyra Banks, Marisa Tomei and French cinematographer Claude Renoir.

Yes, jackpot. ANNIE: On the Chinese calendar,

Troy is a horse, like me.

Purposeful, self-possessed and gregarious.

No, I'm pretty sure I'm a snake.

I remember, I'm determined, self-possessed and mendacious.

Pierce, what are you doing? Explain yourself.

Who made this crappy cake anyway?

A cake maker at a cake store. He did it wrong.

Troy, we're 1990, we're horses. I was born in '89.

Then you were born 21 years ago.

Which would make me 20 because everyone is 10 for two years.

Because fifth grade is really hard for everyone.

Mom, how many lies have I been living?

Troy, do you realize at midnight, you are turning 21?

As in the legal drinking age.

Whoa.

This party just became unacceptable.

We're going out. Yep.

You were just complaining about too many parties.

Lame ones, this is real. What makes it real?

Think of it as Troy taking his first bath, only the bubbles are his manhood.

Yes. I wanna bathe in manhood.

Aw. Aw.

I'm taking you to L Street.

Ugh. Douche Street.

Oh, of course you hate cool bars.

I don't suppose you've ever even been to L Street.

No, but I also haven't been to Beirut.

But I'm sure I will go one day because I hear they have lots of important cultural--

[ALL GROANING] It's my birthday.

Unlike L Street, which is douchey.

Let's hear your great suggestions.

The Red Door.

Oh, yeah, the Red Door. The Red Hipster.

Not hipster. Hipsters haven't discovered it yet, it's underground.

Why don't we go someplace fun, like Peg Leg Pablo's?

They serve virgin mudslides. Those are milk shakes.

All you think about is yourselves.

Think about me. I'm 19, I can't get into bars.

Well--

SHIRLEY: I'll bring you a mudslide.

Okay, well, have fun.

[BRITTA SIGHS]

Fine, I'll get Annie an ID.

A fake ID?

It will be real, it just won't be yours.

I will see you at the Red Door.

Nice try. We're not going to Red Poet's Society.

We're not going to Douche Street either.

Name the least offensive bar you've ever been to.

One, two, three.

Flannahan's Hole. Flannahan's Hole, done.

Troy, you riding with me?

Do you even have to ask?

Do you wanna ride in my van?

I'm not disabled.

I don't need people helping me do normal things and doting over me. Why don't you just leave--?

[♪♪♪]

Okay, I'll beat you there.

I don't think this girl looks very much like me.

Come on. She's a white brunette.

So is Anne Hathaway. Go on.

What's your friend doing with other people's IDs?

People sell their ID when they're leaving the state and need cash.

So she's a drifter. A floater.

An urchin.

Caroline Decker from Corpus Christi, Texas.

Texas? Do I need an accent?

You don't need an accent.

[IN TEXAN ACCENT] Howdy, y'all. I'm Caroline Decker.

Please don't do that.

[IN CAJUN ACCENT] I guarantee. That's Cajun.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I should research Corpus Christi.

Annie, relax. I'm not a relaxed person.

I think ahead. I prepare.

I don't improvise my life like Caroline Decker.

Who probably has really bad credit and an unfinished mermaid tattoo.

[PHONE RINGS] What?

Flannahan's Hole is closed. That's not a--

I'm not being clever. I mean it's out of business.

Well, that's what they get for trying to please everyone.

So now what?

There's a place at Third and Water.

It's fun-divey, but not staph-infection-divey.

It's either got a gross name or an ironically fancy one, possibly both.

Oh, The Ballroom. Good. Go to Third and Water.

Wait, what? That wasn't the deal.

Shirley's pushing back.

Why, because they don't have plastic menus?

Why, because they don't-- Don't repeat that.

Jeez. Look, just--

The women are your problem, and the men are going to The Ballroom.

And now I guess I am being clever.

[SPEAKERPHONE BEEPS]

So plastic menus are bad?

See, this is the kind of stuff I need to learn.

Plastic menus seem like a great idea to me.

You spill something, your mom says,

"Troy, you're ruining Fuddruckers for everyone."

Troy, you're entering the next chapter of your life.

Sadly, it's the final chapter, but it's also the longest, and if you play it right, the best.

You and I, we're just two guys now.

Peers. Equals.

So awesome.

Maybe later you'll let me drive your car.

[ALL LAUGHING]

No way. No.

Hello, former enemy.

He's 21 at midnight. Cool?

Yeah, happy birthday. Thanks.

I don't like this place.

Ugh. You've made that clear, Shirley. Oy vey.

Caroline Decker from Corpus Christi.

You don't need an accent.

My ID says Texas. They'll be suspicious.

They're not gonna question your ID, because you're a hot girl. We're good for business.

The hotter you are, the more they'll risk the fine.

Howdy. All right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can't be too careful.

I understand.

Hey, hey, Shirley. Welcome back.

You don't know me.

Okay? Yeah.

You don't know me.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

This place is all right. Yeah, it's okay.

These pictures must be of all the regulars.

You think someday I'd make it up to this wall?

I don't say this often, Troy, but dream a little smaller.

WOMAN: Can I get you guys anything?

Oh! Uh... I'm okay.

Another Macallan, neat.

Vodka, neat, four olives.

I'm waiting till midnight. WOMEN: Aw.

Sweetie?

[IN TEXAN ACCENT] Water. Oh, where's that accent from?

Corpus Christi, Texas. 78418.

WOMAN: What are you doing in town?

Not much, I reckon.

Just drifting, floating. Spitting in the wind.

General waywardness.

Alrighty.

Annie, you're in the bar.

You don't have to be from Texas anymore.

I don't know how it works. I'm not a barfly, Britta.

They have "Asteroids." Slide out.

Okay. Okay. Oh, okay.

I'm gonna go take a little look around.

Me too. Annie, don't accept any drinks.

Or invitations to the bathroom.

So, what are you gonna order for your first legal drink?

What should I get? Whatever.

No wrong answers. I like beer.

Don't order beer. You've had beer.

What should I get?

What do you think you might like?

It's your world now. Follow your heart.

My Uncle Carl played a big role in my life.

He taught me how to throw a football.

He passed away this year.

His favorite drink was a seven and seven.

Don't order that. That's an awful drink.

A high-school drink for girls.

Actually, I'll have a root beer instead of that water.

Sure thing. Thank you kindly.

Y'all are so nice in this town.

I'm Caroline. From Corpus Christi.

I grew up on a trout farm.

Deedily doo. Doo-doo-doo.

[GAME BEEPING]

Oh, careful. You score any higher on this, the Rylans are gonna recruit you to fight the Ko-Dan Empire.

The Last Starfighter.

Did you get the 25th anniversary Blu-ray?

Was Scorpius half-Scarran, half-peacekeeper?

Frell, yes, I got Starfighter on Blu-ray.

You're a fan of the sci-fi original series Farscape.

Can I buy you a drink?

You got some ID?

Very funny, punk. Get out of my way.

I don't know how people like you even get jobs.

Do you need help, man?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Heh-heh. A little turning of the tables?

The turning of what tables?

I don't know, leave me alone.

So I punched her. Right in the face.

Your probation officer? Didn't you get in trouble?

Hell, yes, I got in trouble.

Wasn't the first time, won't be the last.

I'm not exactly known for my sound judgment.

Back in Corpus Christi, they call me Capricious Caroline.

What's "capricious" mean?

It probably means I'm too busy living life to be learning $5 words.

Ha-ha! Hot damn.

JEFF: With an aged Scotch, never use ice.

TROY: Never use ice, got it.

Why? Destroys it.

At most, what you want, two drops of spring water.

Activates the flavor.

Good Lord. Do they have the rules to poser drinking on the wall at L Street?

Do they? Poser drinking?

Hey, Ms. Vodka-Neat-Four-Olives. What's that called?

The too-cool-to-care-tini? Is it?

The forced starkness of that drink order turns horn-rimmed heads at the Red Door.

I can't wait to understand these arguments.

Hey, y'all, another round. Everybody holding up?

I'll be back in two shakes of a rabbit's ass.

Who the hell was that?

I gotta go see a woman about the female equivalent of a horse.

Classy. Way to show Troy the ropes.

Shut up, L Street.

That woman is a hurricane. Yeah.

Hurricanes are bad, Troy. I know.

I think the wormhole Crichton fell through moved him across not only space, but time, which suggests Sebaceans are our future selves and Crichton longs for a planet that no longer exists. Huh.

Hey, you're really nursing that beer.

What kind of wormhole could move you one place to another within the galaxy on the same day?

Speaking of wormholes, what do you say we use one to teleport this conversation someplace a little more private?

That doesn't make sense.

Wormholes and teleportation are different.

That's what I've been talking about.

I noticed. Cheers.

I followed that band Phish, spells it with a P-H.

I just lived in parking lots. I don't like their music, did it to see if I could.

And guess what. I could.

So, what now? I don't know.

Even if I planned it, plans just fall off me like chicken crap off an armadillo.

Annie's the one that plans things, not me.

Annie's my friend. She goes to school here.

Thinks she's got it all figured out.

She wants to major in healthcare management.

What does that even mean? No idea.

I'll tell you what it means. It means a master's degree.

Followed by an internship.

She's got the next 15 years of her life all mapped out and all she's gotta do now is just follow it or screw it up.

Another soda? Actually, give me a screwdriver.

I got no place to be. What am I, Annie?

The first season, it's better than the third season.

The fourth season, when you watch--

Okay, um, what's your name?

Abed. Abed, I'm Robert.

Hey, Robert.

Abed, would you like to have gay sex with me?

No, thank you. Wow.

Okay, so, what is wrong with you, that you can sit here this whole time and never pick up on the fact that a man is hitting on you?

Oh, I actually did pick up on it after a while.

And?

I really like talking about Farscape.

It's a really good show.

Stargate is better.

[WHEELCHAIR BEEPING]

RECORDED VOICE: Battery depleted.

Oh, man.

[LAUGHING]

Wait. You guys, you guys.

Hey there, what you been up to?

I was just praying for these poor souls in these photographs.

Oh, that's nice, but, um, you missed one.

We found it in the ladies' room.

Give that to me. No, no.

Come on, don't feel bad.

This makes us like you way more.

You think this is really funny? A little.

I had some bad years.

With a chaser. TROY: Come on.

It's a funny picture because you act so perfect all the time.

And because you look like a zombie.

But it's not funny when you're sad.

We're on your team. Relax, sit down.

It's my birthday. Give it to me.

Give it to me.

I will see you all on Monday.

Sheesh. Mm-hm.

BRITTA: Boo Town.

JEFF: Shirley, wait.

What? Nothing, get out of my way.

I can't get out of your way.

I'm stuck in this-- The chair broke--

I mean, I can't get--

Could you please help me?

Pretty please?

Thank you, Shirley.

You're welcome, jackass.

Hey, it's my birthday and technically I'm not allowed to drink it for another 45 seconds.

It'll be 30 seconds by the time I'm done saying this, but can I have a seven and seven?

It's on the house. Happy birthday, kid.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

I'd rather have my eyes gouged out.

A radio playing would be horrible--

[♪♪♪]

BRITTA: My big boy. Big, big boy.

You're my big boy.

[♪♪♪]

Troy.

I think I owe you a birthday.

I'm cool. I actually always wanted to drive this thing.

What?

Oh, is this my car?

Don't crash it. I'm not gonna crash it.

Crash it, Troy.

Go to sleep, Britta, go to sleep.

Crash his car, Troy.

This seems like a dark chapter in our story.

Go to sleep, Abed. Cool.

Hey, that's the place that we should've gone to tonight.

Yeah, L Street, exactly.

BRITTA: That's the Red Door, stupid.

Do you see a sign that says L Street?

L Street is too cool to have a sign.

It's called L Street after the street it's on.

The Red Door is on L Street. L Street has a red--

[JEFF & BRITTA LAUGH]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Hey. TROY: It's the same bar?

You two have been saying one bar's lame and the other one is awesome all night, and it's the same bar?

Well, he probably goes there on Friday nights, which is lame. You wish--

Stop, just stop.

I just spent the last two years thinking that you guys knew more than me about life, and I just found out that you guys are just as dumb as me.

Duh-doy. Yeah. Duh-doy.

Got it. Duh-doy.

Duh-doy.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You can take me home first.

I only live a few blocks from here.

You do?

Annie, this is a really terrible neighborhood.

Yeah.

This is my apartment.

Weird night, huh?

Yeah, alcohol makes people sad.

It's like the Lifetime movies of beverages.

I pretended to be a different person.

Abed does that three times a week.

I did it because I didn't wanna be me.

I did it because I'm not sure who I am.

We went to school together for four years and you didn't even know me.

Yeah, but I know you now. You're Annie.

You like puzzles, little monsters on your pencil and some guy named Mark Ruffalo.

You're a fierce competitor and a sore loser.

And you expect everybody to be better than who they are and you expect yourself to be better than everyone.

Which is cool.

[♪♪♪]

Good night.

I guess everyone's gonna be embarrassed on Monday, huh?

Nah. Everybody just got a little bit drunk.

Nobody did anything that bad, right?

No, wait, wait, wait.

What are we doing?

Yeah, what are we doing?

This is a bad idea, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

I flew off the handle earlier.

I apologize.

They were making out. Abed.

Why do it in front of me? I'm not a coat rack.

Abed, no one likes a tattletale.

[♪♪♪]

Happy birthday, Troy.

Thanks.

You're a man now.

Don't think this will be big enough.

TROY: Just try it, we're close.

All right. Breathe in.

[TROY INHALES]

All right.

Arms.

There we go. There we go, yeah.

One hundred and fifty-seven. We did it.

[PHONE RINGING]

That you? Yeah.

Little help?

Hurry. I think it's a girl.

Left side or right side? Left side.

Got it. Tell me when I'm close.

Okay.