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Celebrity Pharmacology

[BOTH BUZZING]

Hey, Buzby, how are you today?

Not so great, Bumbleton.

I have a ton of pollen to collect, but I'm really tired.

Flying a little low? Maybe you should get high.

Who's this? This is Drugs.

Aren't Drugs bad? No way.

Drugs are like special honey. They give you a buzzzz.

Don't call me honey, honey.

Pierce, Drugs doesn't say that.

You know, I don't say anything, by the way.

I mean, I thought this show was about drug awareness.

Who's gonna be aware of a character that has no lines?

Also, I noticed on page 15 I get flushed down the toilet.

Consider yourself lucky.

Annie, question. Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people work faster?

I thought it made them custom-paint their vans and solve mysteries.

Are you sure that my costume is on backwards?

I felt more confident before. I have a question.

I don't think my character would say "tripping balls."

That's not a question. I don't think my character would say "tripping balls," okay?

Let's remember why we're doing this.

If our work helps one kid make better choices, then it will all be worth it.

I wish I had seen a show like this.

Might have helped me avoid mistakes.

BRITTA: We're happy to do this for you.

But my school had plenty of shows like this and I think sitting through them drove me to drugs.

You don't count. You don't respond to anything.

Thank you.

Dean dong. Heh, heh, heh.

I'm just checking in to see how the Greendale Anti-Drug Players are doing.

I talked to the counselor at San Ramon Middle School.

There's gonna be at least 50 at-risk rugrats coming here tomorrow for your big world premiere.

JEFF: That's terrific. SHIRLEY: That's nice.

With any luck, we'll get rid of all those Charleston Chews in the vending machines.

Dean Pelton, were you hoping to participate in the show?

PELTON: Oh, I would love to, Annie.

But as you can see from my outfit, I have plans.

So, off to the airport Ramada.

How come he gets a front stinger?

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

Do you think bees eat their own honey?

I'm sure they've at least tasted it.

BRITTA: This guy keeps texting me.

You don't like him? I don't like flirting in text.

That's like saying you don't work by electric light.

You want an active sex life, part of it's texting.

I don't remember asking your opinion.

CHANG: Can't talk now.

Shirley, since I might be the father of your unborn child

I made you a mix tape. I hope you like Johnny Gill.

And since you probably don't have a cassette player, here's a list of used ones on Craigslist.

Britta, are you walking out of this room?

Uh, yeah.

You know you're gonna have to acknowledge him eventually.

Don't know who you're talking about.

Chang.

I know who you're talking about. He doesn't exist.

Annie. Ooh!

I'm sorry. A word? Mm-hm.

I don't know if you know this, but I did TV commercials for Hawthorne Wipes, family business, in the '50s. Oh. Heh, heh.

I was kind of the Gerber baby of moist towelettes.

Heh, heh. That's great, Pierce.

Yeah. I've done a lot of acting workshops.

Hm.

I do physical comedy, funny dances, foreign accents. Accents?

Name any country. Russia.

There are many tools I can bring to the table that I think the script may be wasting.

Do you know what I think is really great about this show?

The only real star of it is the message.

Right, of course. Is the message Jeff Winger?

He's on every page of this thing, and--

I'll see you tomorrow. You bet.

[PHONE BEEPING]

Britta left her phone.

She's getting a text message. Let me see.

Oh. It's from Marcus.

"I'll be at the show tomorrow night.

"Can't wait to see you.

Are you really wearing a cat costume?"

Well, Marcus, you are in luck. What are you doing?

Dragging Britta kicking and screaming into 1997.

What'd you say?

"There's not much to the cat costume.

But can't wait to show you what's underneath."

How could you think that's a good idea?

I got a better question.

How could it not be a great idea?

[♪♪♪]

Thanks.

Here you go.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Wha--?

Pierce, what are you doing here?

Never mind that. There's a rapist in the hallway.

That's my landlord.

And If he wanted to rape you, you'd be raped.

Did you follow me?

Let me answer your question with two of my own.

What are you doing in an apartment above Dildopolis?

And when did they open a second location?

This is where I live.

It just happens to be above a marital aid store.

I don't get it. Aren't everyone's parents rich?

Well, I'm not speaking to my parents.

After my breakdown, my mom wanted to put the problem behind us and I wanted to deal with it, so I went to rehab and she cut me off.

What are you living on? I saved.

Every penny from babysitting, every birthday check.

Every dollar from the period fairy when I was a kid.

I guess I thought it would last longer.

Excuse me, what's a period fairy?

The fairy that gives you a dollar every time you get your period.

Does she still come? Pierce.

You know, you and I are very much alike, Annie.

We're both realists. We're both cute.

And we'd both rather die than let someone else control us.

I see the point of this place now.

This crap hole is a monument to self-reliance.

I found the drapes in a dumpster.

Can you believe it? Heh, heh. Yes.

You know, I wanna help, Annie. Oh, no, no, no, Pierce.

Come on, now. I'm not taking money from you.

It's not mine. It's yours.

You've earned it for being strong.

It's going to drop into your hands from out of nowhere... because I was never here.

I'm only taking this because I'm worried about making rent and the procedure for selling eggs takes weeks.

You save your eggs for a rainy day, and I'll see you tomorrow.

Pierce?

Hey, why did you follow me here today?

Oh, it was nothing. It seems sort of pointless now.

I guess it was to talk about the play.

And who cares if I don't have any lines?

You know what, you should do that line you improvised.

"Don't call me honey, honey"?

Yeah, that's it, you should do that.

You were the Gerber baby of moist towelettes, right?

Yes. Yes, I was.

MAN [ON FILM]: And action.

Hello, I'm Cornelius Hawthorne.

One rainy day, my son Pierce and I were taking a stroll

when I discovered the cleansing power

of moist cotton fresh from the field.

Isn't that right, son?

It sure is.

It sure is, Dad.

Pierce, knock it off.

PIERCE: I want to be in the commercial too, father.

Well, then you should've done better in your damn audition.

What's your name, son? Nigel.

You're a good boy, Nigel.

Your father is a lucky man.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, guys, remember, the most important thing is to have fun.

The second is to know all your lines and not mess up a thing.

Actually, flip those. Here we go, guys.

I took the liberty of juicing up some of our bits.

Um, but-- You can't revise Annie's script.

And who uses Wite-Out anymore?

Why don't we look over Pierce's changes and see if they improve things?

Hey, Crayon, do you know where I can get some drugs?

I need them.

Unfortunately, you can get them anywhere.

Anywhere? PIERCE: I'm here.

Zabadazooey.

Good one. ALL: Ha, ha, ha.

Doesn't seem to hurt anything, so let's get into costume and break a stinger.

For the bees.

Annie, uh, I don't feel comfortable with the "zabadazooey" line.

The one you wrote? I got it.

Let's give Jeff the zabadazooey line, and I'll come in with "good one."

Yeah. It's more in my voice.

I'm sure Jeff is gonna reject that idea.

Yeah, you're probably right.

You're the producer. By the way, is this your pen?

I think I put it back in my pocket after I wrote you that check yesterday. Ahem.

I'll give it to you later. I'll talk to Jeff.

Also, I think it'd be better for my character if I wear his leather jacket.

Okay, welcome to Greendale's Drug Awareness Show!

Okay, our volunteers are handing out drug-free baseballs! Huh?

Next time you think about drugs, think about baseball instead.

You can't ignore me forever.

Okay, you probably can.

I don't know why you want to.

My nephew Marcus actually goes to San Ramon Middle School, and he's coming to see the show.

Marcus? Your nephew?

He's 14. I actually thought he didn't even like me.

But he texted me and he said, "Can't wait to see you.

"I've been looking forward to this.

You are the coolest aunt in the world."

I hope that I don't let him down.

You'll be great. What does this mean?

It's eight, an equal sign and a greater than symbol?

Let me see. You better get changed.

I'll hang onto your stuff for you.

Right.

Abed, we screwed up. You know that text we sent?

It was to Britta's nephew.

He sent her an emotipenis. What are we gonna do?

Fine. Screw you, Abed. I can fix this.

"Marcus, I made a mistake.

I texted the wrong person last night."

[PHONE BLEEPING]

"You called me by name. It wasn't a mistake.

Don't be afraid."

Screw you, Abed.

"I was drunk. We can't do this."

[PHONE BLEEPING]

"I'm drunk too. On lust."

There's a picture.

Oh. That's disappointing. Wow. Who does that?

That's-- Bees, you're up.

Cool cats, you're on deck.

TROY: Aren't drugs bad? ABED: No way.

Drugs are like special honey. They give you a buzzzz.

Don't call me honey, honey.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

Are you ignoring me because I'm Korean?

You're Chinese. Oh, there's a difference?

Shh!

It's because you're crazy.

There's something wrong with you.

And the idea that I was with you means there's something wrong with me.

And if this baby...

If you have any humanity at all, you will not make me think about it.

Shirley, funeral.

[BOTH BUZZING "TAPS"]

Well, that answers my question.

Jeff Winger is sexy even in a coffin. Hmm.

[BOTH CONTINUE BUZZING "TAPS"]

I'm here.

You're supposed to be on-stage.

I was looking for a lighter.

What are you wearing? This is a funeral.

I got this, Annie. Uh--

I can't believe Fluffy's dead.

I know I'm green, but I feel blue.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

Look, it's Drugs with a crazy wig and sparklers.

Pokémon!

[KIDS LAUGHING]

I don't think that's right, Drugs.

Nobody asked you, Crayon.

[SHIRLEY SCREAMING]

I hope you're proud of yourself. Look what you've done.

Oh, yeah? Well, look what I'm doing now.

[IMITATES FARTING]

[KIDS LAUGHING]

It smells like something died in here.

Should we get the dean, call in a bomb threat?

Should we set off the sprinklers?

It's not that big a deal. The kids are into it.

I don't think they're getting the message.

Do kids ever seem like they're getting the message?

I think it's sinking in. It's your call.

And he's about to get flushed down a toilet in the next scene. And he'll be done.

[SIGHS]

I wish I had never even met Drugs.

Who invited the nerd from the beehive?

KIDS: Ha, ha, ha.

PIERCE: Drugs made you.

[ABED MAKES FLUSHING NOISE]

[PIERCE HUMMING]

How about you leave, Drugs?

[ABED MAKES FLUSHING NOISE]

Zip, zop, zoo. [KIDS LAUGHING]

[KIDS CHEERING]

They want more. I gotta go back out there.

But, Pierce, you were flushed. That was the story.

That's what's supposed to happen.

Being flushed doesn't mean you're dead.

I could be a floater.

A floater is when you have a number two--

I know what a floater is, Pierce.

It just wouldn't make any sense in the flow of the show.

And it sends a mixed message.

Know what I think is a mixed message?

Yesterday you couldn't pay your rent, and today you can.

Come on, Annie. You and I are alike.

We're independent, we need each other.

[ALL FOUR CHEERING]

Bzzz. Getting rid of Drugs was a great "i-bee-a."

I'm flying higher than I ever have, thanks to not Drugs. Argh!

KID: Chuck it at his nuts!

TROY: Hey! BRITTA: Ow! Hey!

Hey!

I'm back.

[KIDS CHEERING]

Ain't no party without Drugs.

I love you, Drugs.

BOY: Yo, pass it this way.

KIDS [CHANTING]: We want Drugs!

Listen to that, Dad.

They're high on me. I'm a god.

KIDS [CHANTING]: We want Drugs!

PIERCE: Where's that Nigel now?

And I haven't even used my penis material yet.

Pierce, enough.

We're going back to the original script and doing some damage control.

Damage? The only damage is me blowing the roof off the universe.

I am not letting you go back on that stage.

Well, maybe I won't be visiting you late at night anymore with a generous spirit.

You sick, sick, sad old man.

This is why I didn't wanna take money from my parents.

I don't want anybody pulling my strings.

Wait, wait, is he giving you money?

Not anymore. Pierce bought his way in.

Annie sold out her message.

You've been indulging this maniac?

Yes, I've been indulging this maniac.

You're fired. PIERCE: Fired?

Next time I'm at Dildopolis,

I will not be coming upstairs to say hi.

The only reason we did this was for you and your stupid ideals.

It turns out you don't even have any.

We supported you, Annie.

Yeah, Annie, you're fired.

I'm sorry.

Here's the situation. We've got 50 at-risk pre-teens armed with baseballs, chanting for drugs, who just spent intermission eating nothing but

Charleston Chews. Thank God.

Hope you can top Act I, is all I'm saying.

Oh. Hmm. Whoops.

Should we bail? Works for me.

JEFF: Wait.

Listen to those kids.

We just created 50 potential meth-heads.

The least we can do is hit the reset button and get that number down to average.

That's a suicide mission. Did someone say crazy person?

No. No.

Well, I heard it.

We want Drugs! We want Drugs!

Greetings, you little snots.

[LAUGHING]

You're not Drugs.

Oh, but I am.

Disappointed?

Did you expect me to stay the same forever?

Because that's not what Drugs does, baby!

I'm gonna deep-fry your dog and eat your mama's face.

And I'm gonna wear your little brother's skin like pajamas.

I control your lives and there is nothing you can do.

Let's kill him.

Oh, bring it on, Bow Wow.

BOY: Get him. CHANG: Ah!

[THUMPING AND POUNDING]

CHANG: Is that all you got? I gotta tell you, this is the greatest chemical-dependency program

I have ever watched.

The way you got the kids to think that they needed drugs.

And then having them realize that dependence was the enemy.

That the price was just too high.

Genius.

So now that the show is over, what is the plan for these bee costumes?

Hey, Marcus. I'm Jeff.

I'm, like, uh, Britta's boyfriend.

Look, dude, she started it. She's just as into me.

No, listen, I'm not mad.

I was just fooling around and I sent those texts.

Gross. Yeah.

It's disgusting, sending those pictures to your aunt.

More disgusting than what you texted to an underage boy?

I didn't know you were you.

I didn't know you weren't my aunt.

Okay. Let's just call this a draw.

Britta doesn't need to ever know about this.

Okay, I'd be happy to, for a price.

That was brave of you.

I owe you an apology.

It was rude to call you crazy.

Maybe I haven't been giving you enough credit.

Oh, that's really sweet.

Tell you what, why don't I go get Chang, and you can tell him that yourself.

Heh, heh.

Oh, no.

BRITTA: My God, that was amazing.

Good job, you saved the day. That's amazing.

Way to go, man. Way to go.

BRITTA: They beat the crap out of you.

TROY: That's awesome.

It was okay. I did lots of ad-libbing--

I'm so sorry. Thank you so much.

That was amazing. Even I learned something.

BRITTA: Oh, Annie. CHANG: We did it.

Group hug, group hug. CHANG: Oh, thanks.

BRITTA: Way to save the day. ABED: Nice work.

CHANG: Oh, love you.

BRITTA: Did you get hit in the face?

Before you say anything, I want you to know, even though I did nothing wrong,

I'm still gonna give you money.

No, I can't take your money, Pierce.

I can't go from depending on my parents to depending on you, which is why I'm gonna get a job.

So you're cutting me off? No.

Pierce, I know you don't depend on anyone, but you do depend on people depending on you.

So I'm not gonna take your money.

We're still friends? Give me a day.

By the way, your mom was the period fairy, right?

Hey, guys, I found my phone, but has anyone seen my bra?

[♪♪♪]

[BEEPING ON PA]

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