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Intro to Political Science

So I go into the bathroom with Tom, and we both, you know, take them out.

And I say, "Size more? Try size less."

[GROUP CHUCKLING WEAKLY]

Oh. I wanna go to rehab and compare penises with people.

All in good time, kiddo.

Well, uh, Pierce, we're very glad to have you back. I'm assuming. Yeah?

Yeah. ANNIE: Yeah.

So, what should we do now?

I don't wanna be that guy, but I guess we should start studying anthropology.

SHIRLEY: Yes. Yeah.

Okay. Um...

Chapter four.

Hello. Oh, thank God.

Oh. Yes.

Oh, my God.

Thank you. What is it, dean?

Oh, ha-ha, I have exciting news.

Vice president Joe Biden has been visiting community colleges across the country as part of his Biden Time Talking About Teaching tour.

Hmm. Folksy, yet progressive.

It does walk that line.

Anyway, his tour is taking him in this neck of the woods, and at 5:00 p.m. today, he is stopping by Greendale.

Eat that, city college and wash it down with a nice tall glass of suck it.

The vice president is coming.

That explains the people covertly surveilling the campus.

Must be Secret Service.

Will your reality ever come out on Blu-ray so we can enjoy it?

We've been made. Only problem,

Mr. Biden is supposed to be meeting with the dean, hmm, and the head of our student government which doesn't exist.

So we have seven hours to elect a student president.

Ah. What am I gonna wear?

I mean, I could borrow my sister's Uncle Sam outfit.

It's tailored for ladies, but what else can I do on such short notice?

Well, you cannot dress up like Uncle Sam.

Or admit you don't have a sister.

We're electing a student president. I wanna run.

I have so many ideas for improving the school.

Improving Greendale takes more than ideas, Annie.

It takes time, gasoline, matches.

Mm. Nice.

ANNIE: Jeff, some of us care about more than just fixing our hair and sculpting our abs.

Wow, you got me pegged.

BRITTA: Democracy. What a ruse.

There's no such thing as a system in which the masses--

Everyone wants you to shut up.

And yet I won't. Case in point.

[CHUCKLES]

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one They all just fade away ♪

We tend to take democracy for granted in America.

But the fact is, men have fought and died for the sacred right we exercise today.

So anyone who wants to be president, line up by the ice cream machine.

Your applause will determine who gets into the primaries.

And yes, this is a ladies' Uncle Sam outfit.

It's my sister's.

It was last minute. I had no choice.

I wonder if that's the same sister that tweets to ask if I think her brother's cute.

What happened to that pile of campaign fliers?

I hung them all up.

Real nice.

Is it too much to ask you to pitch in?

I'm sorry, Annie. I'm not the worker bee type.

I'm more of a silverback gorilla with the claws of a lion, the teeth of a shark, and quiet dignity of a tortoise.

All right, first up is this fella. Let's go, come on.

All right, tell everybody your name.

Garrett. Okay, Garrett.

And why do you wanna be president?

I wanted ice cream, so I got in line--

Okay, okay. He wanted ice cream.

So, what do we say, gang? Does he make it to the next round?

By applause.

Oh, we've got our first nominee.

The bar has been set.

All right, stand to the side. Stand to the side.

At least worker bees can set aside their egos and join together to support a larger cause.

Oh, right, because politics are all about larger causes.

Face it, Annie. Politics are all about ego, popularity and parlor tricks.

Don't kid a lawyer.

Well, if I see one, I won't.

Oh, it's a girl. Look at this.

She's got a yellow shirt and a hat.

Who are you, sweetie?

Uh-- Vicki.

Who's up for some Vicki?

Abed Nadir, I'm Special Agent Robin Vohlers.

This is Special Agent Keenlan of the Secret Service.

Will you submit to a search of your belongings?

Sure.

How did you notice the campus was being observed?

I guess I noticed because I'm used to being the only observer. Well, we're not used to being noticed.

That sounds a little sad.

He's clean.

Although I could issue a warning for this bootleg of The Last Airbender.

Where were you a week ago?

You can keep it.

Well, another one makes the cut.

Congratulations, Leonard.

Pbbt! PELTON: Oh, yes, wonderful.

Next up, Annie Edison.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

My name is Annie Edison.

And if elected, I promise to make Greendale the signature community college of the entire western three quarters of the Greendale area.

Annie!

Oh!

Looks like you're in the running, Annie.

Looks like it is hard not to be. Next up.

I'm sorry, I got the heat, I gotta go.

I believe that humankind need not be governed.

I don't care.

Well, it's good to know there's a floor on this thing. So...

Thank you, Ms. Perry. Okay.

Oh, Annie, I'm so proud of you.

Thanks. People love you.

I believe this campus is a good place, filled with good people who just need someone to protect their interests.

PELTON: Jeff Winger.

CROWD: Oh.

My name is Jeff. I'm no politician.

I'm just a fella.

I think that beer should be cold and boots should be dusty.

I think 9/11 was bad. And freedom, well, I think that's just a little bit better.

STUDENTS: Yeah.

Whoo!

[♪♪♪]

Yeah.

[CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY]

ABED: Countdown has begun.

Tonight, one student will be president,

while the rest will simply be.

For Greendale Campus TV, I'm Abed Nadir.

I'm Troy "Butt Soup" Barnes. That's my name.

As we head into the first round, there are eight candidates.

TROY: Annie Edison. ABED: Smart, attractive.

Leonard Rodriguez. TROY: Did he change his name?

ABED: He's trying to court the Hispanics. Alex Osbourne.

TROY: Creepy, seems Greek,

possible drug dealer. Jeff Winger.

ABED: They call him Hot Wings.

TROY: Magnitude. ABED: He's a one-man party.

Pierce Hawthorne. The wizard of wet wipes.

TROY: He's got night terrors. ABED: Garrett.

TROY: That guy's just a mess. It's like God spilled a person.

ABED: And Vicki.

Yellow shirt, hat, girl.

You know, you gotta ask yourself right now, Abed, what's up with politics? You're right, Troy.

I hear they're getting ready to start.

We'll turn it over to coverage of the debates.

Who's that?

Special Agent Vohlers. U.S. Secret Service.

Do you just constantly have your own side adventures?

Yep.

Me too.

Knock it off. You're not running sincerely.

You're not even interested in student government.

I know, and yet, the people love me.

It's almost as if politics were a huge joke.

Okay, look.

I'm sorry I asked you to hang my fliers, but I suggest you drop out right now because not only will I beat you,

I will make you cry.

Oh, I feel a slight ego blowing in from the east.

Gonna feel my foot blowing in from the south.

Bring it on, Ponce de Leon.

I'm gonna, Greg Muldunna.

It's a real guy. He owns a mattress store downtown.

You can look it up.

Hey, Vicki. Psst.

Vicki, look at me. Psst.

I'm going to crush you. Pierce.

ANNIE: Stop that.

I'm gonna eat your brains, Vicki.

Gonna slurp them out of that melon you call a head.

PELTON: A reminder to all candidates, your microphones are currently on.

Well, they better be because I'm on fire up here.

You freak people out, you know that?

You look weird.

Because of your overbite.

Okay, let's just get started.

Welcome to the Greendale Community College presidential debate.

Candidates, if elected, what will you do?

Oh, Annie.

I'm running on a platform of school improvement.

If I'm elected, the black mold will be removed from the east stairwell.

The assailant known only as The Ass Crack Bandit will be brought to justice.

And I will balance the school's budget by eliminating administrative redundancies.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Okay. I'm in the room. Thank you, Ms. Edison.

Mr. Winger?

Well, that's an important question.

And it's important to students like Jeremy, who told me that he is majoring in astronomy and is supporting two children.

It's an important question to Maria, who's a beautiful Latina born in Nicaragua working in the cafeteria.

MAN: Yeah. JEFF: What will I do, dean?

Well, these people don't want me to say what I'll do.

They want me to do what I'll say.

Aw. [CROWD CHEERING]

They love it when you shuffle the words around.

MAN: Go, Jeff. Magnitude?

Pop, pop.

Oh, no.

[CROWD LAUGHING & APPLAUDING]

Same question.

Same answer.

Pop. Pop.

[CROWD LAUGHING & APPLAUDING]

A few questions? Okay.

Was there a specific reason you had to repeat first grade?

I didn't know how to use scissors.

I sat in the middle of the seesaw.

I found the distinction between duck and goose arbitrary.

Couldn't you just pick the sixth kid?

That's what I...

Would have done.

I went with four.

Jeez, get a room, you two.

Pierce Hawthorne, your platform?

My platform will be one high enough to push Vicki off to her death.

Ugh! PELTON: Vicki?

Looks like Vicki is out of the race.

Well, then I am too. I was only here to get back at her for not lending me a pencil.

Oh. Wow. Well...

ANNIE: Can we get back on track here?

I just wanna get the black mold out of the east stairwell.

I just want to clean up Greendale.

Are you saying Greendale is dirty?

Oh, boo. CROWD: Boo.

Well, of course it's dirty. Everyone knows that.

I don't, Annie. I think it's clean.

I think it's the cleanest school in the entire country. You know it is.

TROY: Jeff Winger's got this thing in the bag.

ABED: Sure does. Say what you will, but people just like the guy.

Read my lips.

No matter what you're told, we have to clean the mold.

No matter what you're told, we have to clean the mold.

That's right, people.

ALL [CHANTING]: No matter what you're told, we have to clean the mold.

No matter what you're... ABED: This is interesting,

Annie Edison has reduced her platform to one issue

and turned that issue into a sound bite.

TROY: And it rhymes. People love it.

This election's become a race.

According to our polls,

the campus is almost evenly divided.

Keep in mind the margin of error

is about 98 percent. Could be higher.

We don't even know how to do margins of error.

We're taking a break. Stay tuned.

They have to. It's closed-circuit television.

Don't know what that means. MAN: And we're out.

Apple juice, please? Freshly squeezed, or so help me God.

Abed, those guys in the suits are trashing your dorm room real bad, bro.

[♪♪♪]

What are you doing? Random spot check.

Stay out of our way. Nothing suspicious.

Glenn, bring the car around.

What are you looking for?

Fertilizer, car battery, PVC piping.

Anything suspicious.

Because you think I'm suspicious?

Or you wish I was suspicious so that you would have an excuse to see me. This was a spot check.

Do you like me? That's not really relevant.

That's close enough.

Are you sure?

You smell like nice soap.

I have to go.

I'm sorry you weren't a more obvious potential threat to the country.

People are pretty excited about this black mold issue.

For my closing statement,

I'm thinking about smashing a watermelon.

If I admit politics are stupid, will you stop making them stupid?

You're gonna split the vote,

Star-Burns is gonna end up president.

I'm trying to get something done.

And you deserve to be allowed to do it?

You're entitled to be president?

The gloves are coming off. You understand me?

I have an audio-visual presentation.

Wow, I'm shaking.

You should be. You should be.

PELTON: All right, let us resume. Star-Burns, we haven't heard from you on this black mold issue.

Yeah, I actually withdraw my candidacy.

I fear a political career will shine a negative light on my drug dealing. Thank you.

CROWD: Boo.

Dean, before this election stops being about the issues,

I have a question for my opponents.

What's your favorite color?

Mine's a three-way tie.

Red, white and blue.

[CROWD CHEERING & APPLAUDING] Magnitude, a response?

I think you know, dean.

ALL: Pop, pop.

[CROWD LAUGHING & APPLAUDING] I set him up.

I have an audio-visual presentation, dean.

Oh, that sounds interesting. What's your presentation?

My presentation is a copy of Jeff Winger's

1997 audition tape for MTV's The Real World.

What? What?

Let's just roll it. Thanks.

I'm Jeff Winger

and I'd love to be on MTV's Real World: Seattle.

So check this out.

[PLAYING GEORGE MICHAEL'S "FAITH" ON GUITAR]

♪ Well, I guess It would be nice ♪

♪ If I could be on MTV ♪

♪ So please, please Take a look at me ♪

♪ For the Real World ♪

♪ Oh, I'm gonna apply twice ♪

[WHISPERING] Where did you get that?

Folks, who do you want shaking Joe Biden's hand at 5 p.m.?

Me or--?

[CROWD LAUGHING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Shut up. I was like 19.

We've all been 19, Jeff, and none of us did this.

None of us.

Pop, pop.

I hate you. I hate this school.

And I hope you all get black mold poisoning.

PELTON: Oh, Jeffrey, no.

JEFF: I hate you! I hate you!

No, Jeffrey, no.

♪ You gotta have Jeff Jeff, Jeff ♪

[♪♪♪]

Are you in here?

JEFF: Yeah, to be alone.

I've already established the men's room doesn't work.

You have an apartment.

JEFF: There are people in the parking lot singing that song. I went too far. I'm sorry.

I didn't know it would be that bad.

You knew. You didn't care.

But don't apologize. I got what I deserved.

I am a gross, jaded adult with control issues that couldn't let a young, bright, idealistic kid run for president.

Wait, isn't there a final round of debates?

Yeah. I--

You guys. You're missing it.

Troy, I'm out. Me too.

I withdrew my candidacy.

Nobody that treats a friend the way I did is fit to represent the student body.

Yeah, I know you're both out. I'm saying you're missing it.

It's the political showdown of the century. Come on.

Pop. Pop. Pbbt!

Pop. Pop.

Pbbt!

MAGNITUDE: Pop. Pop.

Pbbt! Pop. Pop.

You should've stayed. You're the only real candidate.

I was just another jerk trying to win a contest.

You were right the whole time.

I just couldn't admit it until I saw you running away crying.

Yay.

I care what you think about me, you know?

Yeah, well,

I care what you think about me.

That's why this happened.

Okay, well...

Resolved, then.

Resolved.

[♪♪♪]

When we seek to destroy others, we often hurt ourself because it is the self that wants to be destroyed.

Pierce, you're not usually so poignant.

Well, Vicki finally lent me her pencil.

Oh, my God, Pierce. Go to the health center.

Yeah.

TROY: We've reached the end of election road.

Arguments made, pops popped.

Hearts have been stirred, perhaps broken.

The only thing that remains is to tally the vote

in this matchup between the youthful,

charismatic Magnitude

and Leonard Rodriguez.

Two men fighting for the same piece of earth.

One recently born, one soon to die.

A competition reflecting the pointlessness of life.

Pull up, Abed. You're in a nose dive.

I'm told that Dean Pelton is prepared to announce a winner.

We take you live to across the room.

Okay. Here we go.

Thank you, Sergio.

With 11 votes cast-- Eleven, come on, people.

The landslide winner of the student election with seven votes is

South Park.

Okay. You know what?

I recall this is why we abolished student government in the first place.

This is exactly what happened 10 years ago.

Hey, how hard is it to get rid of black mold?

What do we need, buckets and sponges?

I don't actually know.

I'll look it up. Milady.

TROY: Well, there you have it.

In a shocking upset, Comedy Central series South Park

has been elected president of the Greendale student body.

Not that shocking to me, I voted for it.

For real? Me too.

We can never stop being friends.

As we begin gearing up for next year's election,

for GCTV, I'm Abed Nadir saying:

Did you know you could make napalm

out of dish soap and cat food?

What? Why would you say that?

Hmm?

[♪♪♪]

[SIREN WAILS] [CELL PHONE RINGS]

Vohlers. Yeah.

Sir, we're gonna have to move on to city college.

There's an elevated threat level at Greendale.

But don't worry. I'll check it out. Personally.

BIDEN: Whatever.

BIDEN: I just had a dream that I was a regular president.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

WOMAN [ON TV]: You've done so much for our city.

Kickpuncher, is there anything that we can give you?

Don't call me Kickpuncher. Call me David.

[MUSIC ENDS]

This was fun.

Maybe you can observe me having dinner next time.

Honk twice for yes, once for no.

[VAN HORN HONKS TWICE]

Cool.

Cool, cool, cool.