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A Fist Full of Paintballs

FAT NEIL: No!

[FAT NEIL SCREAMING]

MAN: Stay calm, everybody!

FAT NEIL: No, no, no!

MIKE: You can't outrun me. I see you, fat-ass!

FAT NEIL: No, don't shoot me!

[LAUGHING]

Guys, please. Okay, I don't even have a gun.

Isn't this against the rules?

There's only one rule, Fat Neil.

The prize goes to the last man standing.

WOMAN: So to speak.

[GUNSHOTS]

[MEN GROAN]

If you were a dude, you'd have my fist up your balls.

[♪♪♪]

Thank you, Annie. Kick their guns to me.

Kick, don't reach. Hey.

Christina Reachy, I said kick.

Annie, take it easy. You gotta learn to trust people.

[♪♪♪]

Can't you leave me with a little something?

We're friends, Annie, remember?

We played Dungeons & Dragons together.

That was a game.

[♪♪♪]

This is paintball.

[GUNSHOT]

[♪♪♪]

PELTON: Let's gather round. Okay, a couple of announcements.

I wanna thank Pistol Patty's Cowboy Creamery for sponsoring our end-of-the-year picnic.

Now, free ice cream and that one guy having a heart attack aren't the only surprises today.

We're gonna end this year with a quick game of Paintball Assassin.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Now, last year's big mistake was way too valuable a prize.

And I've been assured, huh, that this year will be different.

So take it away, Pistol Patty.

PATTY: Howdy, folks. There's only one rule:

Last man standing gets the prize. There's your guns.

[CROWD MURMURING]

And here's the prize:

One hundred thousand dollars cash.

Go nuts!

[AIR HORN TOOTING] [CROWD YELLING]

Ah!

[RATTLING]

[♪♪♪]

I heard you never shoot an unarmed man.

Whoever started that rumor didn't eat my beans.

Then I guess it's lucky for me I'm not unarmed.

Seeing as I'm... eating your beans.

Jeff wants to see you. Yeah? And I want pants.

A lot of people want a lot of things.

It won't hurt to hear him out.

We got a good spot in the library.

As safe as you are here, you'll be safer with us.

MAN 1: I see you! There they go!

[JEFF & CHANG SCREAMING] [GUNFIRE]

Math Club's gotten better since last year.

They were practicing while the rest of us went on dates.

[♪♪♪]

Hold on. I have a plan.

Math Club?

MAN 1: Yeah? I'm Asian. You guys Asian?

That's pretty racist, man.

That wasn't a no. I'm coming over.

Don't shoot me, shoot him. He's white and he's out of ammo.

Crap.

[♪♪♪]

[GUNSHOTS]

MAN 1: Don't shoot!

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

[♪♪♪]

CHANG: See you, Abed. JEFF: Shoot Chang!

He defected to the Math Club. CHANG: Math rules!

Ahh.

Forget it. Just a waste of ammo.

Let's go grab their paint. Cool.

Yeah, I'm much safer with you guys.

Milady. What do you want, Jeff?

Yikes. Well, what do we all want?

Ammo. How much you got left?

A hundred thousand dollars worth.

We're running low too. JEFF: Shut up, Abed.

What have you heard about Pierce?

Hear he's still alive, near the cafeteria.

I hear he has more paint than a French kindergarten.

Are you proposing we join him?

I'm proposing his ammo joins us.

You haven't changed. You think Pierce has?

The guy's been a jerk all year.

He's a jerk because we exclude him.

We exclude him because he's a jerk.

Last I checked, you were the last feeling sorry about it.

[♪♪♪]

I'm waiting for you guys to come around.

Likewise.

[GUNSHOTS] [PAVEL SCREAMING]

I am dead, bro. I'm dead.

[SPURS CLINKING]

Who wears spurs in paintball?

[♪♪♪]

[SPURS CLINKING]

[♪♪♪]

Who the hell are you?

The guy that's gonna win.

[♪♪♪]

Come on!

[♪♪♪]

Does that guy even go to this school?

He's really good-looking. Like network TV good-looking.

See how big his guns were?

Just marry him. Paintball is tough this year.

I agree.

[♪♪♪]

Careful, you can't hit all three of us.

She won't have to.

[♪♪♪]

[COUGHING]

Hey, Troy. Abed.

[♪♪♪]

I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead.

Guys. Oh, right.

By the power invested in us as deputies, we now pronounce you arrested.

What are you, deputies of the stairwell?

Fort Hawthorne.

There's a bounty on your head, my friend.

Pierce.

My forehead's not that big, right?

Hm. It's not small.

[♪♪♪]

JEFF: You let Pierce boss you around in exchange for paint pellets?

Actually, Jeff, he's been pretty decent in this game so far.

He's created a safe zone where people can rest, eat and pump breast milk.

That sounds very nice of him.

Beats standing around waiting to get picked off by the Black Rider.

Are you talking about the handsome blond cowboy with the big guns?

Is that guy a student? Who is he?

We call him the Black Rider. But he's not riding anything.

Look, I don't name people, Annie.

I'm a deputy. I deputize.

You have to surrender your guns.

And your drugs.

Drugs.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah.

My study group.

How long has it been? Five hours.

Too long. Welcome to Fort Hawthorne.

How is this even possible?

It began with a dream, Annie.

A dream and an impulse to hide in the men's room.

I found that people were willing to roll bullets under the door just for the right to take a dump.

By the way, for you guys, taking a dump is on the house.

Or if you prefer, relax and catch a show.

This is insane.

Don't worry, Jeff,

I've also got someone more your speed.

Because you're gay. I think I've seen enough, and I'd like my gun back now.

Only Hawthorne personnel can carry weapons inside, Jeffrey.

All right, you got us here, unarmed, at your mercy.

What do you want?

We'll discuss over dinner.

You're famished. Tonight, we feast.

The Twinkies are wonderful tonight.

Give us some space, Miguel.

What if I told you guys I know where to find enough ammo to end this cowardly hiding out?

Split the prize seven ways.

So send your goons to get it.

PIERCE: They'd never bring it back.

We trust each other, we're a study group.

That's pretty warm and fuzzy talk coming from you, Pierce.

You've acted like a villain this year.

I have? Yes.

You raped the Duquesne family. Guys, Pierce is reaching out.

I'm not risking my butt hauling ammo for the guy that has Vicky dancing for Twinkies.

She's a dance major, Jeff. She loves Twinkies.

And if you ever took the time to get to know her--

Look, uh...

Summer starts tomorrow.

For you guys, it means pool parties, dinners, one-night stands.

For me, it means counting down the days till next fall.

Before we go, let me do this for you.

Let me bring us victory.

[♪♪♪]

Fine. Let's do it.

To the study group.

ALL: To the study group.

Ah. More juice, Miguel.

I hope we find this cache of ammunition soon.

I need to pump. Me too.

You talking about peeing, right?

No. Me neither.

Look, about Pierce, I feel bad.

I shouldn't put so much effort into--

It's okay.

I just think the study group is my family, you know?

And if we start picking and choosing--

Where do we stop? I get it.

You're a good kid, and I wanna do my part to help you stay that way.

WOMAN: Benjamin Chang, for your betrayal of the Cheerleaders' Alliance,

I sentence you to pretendsies death.

Guys, you don't have to do this.

I betrayed the Math Club for you.

Ready. Sorry I told Trish about Amber.

WOMAN: Aim-- Fire.

Holy crap. Not cool, bitch.

Yeah, so you told me at last year's tryouts.

Ah!

Leave the guns. Whatev.

Who's there? Can I join you?

ALL: No. Okay.

[CLICKING]

I'm out. Give me your gun. All right, be careful.

Cheerleaders rule!

[♪♪♪]

[GUN COCKS]

I'll take that.

Who are you?

I'm the bad guy.

Stop trying to fluster me with your handsomeness.

You're creepy.

Why is your chest getting all flushed?

It's a rash. I'm allergic to beans.

Look, do you even go to school here?

Sorry, I get paid to shoot paintballs, honey, not the breeze.

Lame.

I'll hit you in the foot. Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

[GUNSHOTS]

You're dry, sugar.

Hey.

ABED: Hey.

[♪♪♪]

I'll save you for last. You won't get the chance.

Unh!

You okay?

I got a better look at him. He's not that good-looking.

Didn't he shoot you? He tried.

He's a bad shot too?

Man, what does this guy have going for him?

Pierce loaded your gun with blanks.

[GROANING]

No, don't shoot!

Why does this keep happening?

And what kind of ice cream company does this?

Where's the paint from last year?

I hid it. So the school doesn't get destroyed.

Too late.

Oh, hi, Jeff. We ran into the Black Rider.

Dean, if you want this game to end, we need firepower.

[SIGHS]

In there.

The key's in my shorts.

I can get it out, I guess.

[♪♪♪]

Now, this is more like it.

Okay, Black Rider, now let's see who's attractive.

Dude, you have a problem.

Ha, ha, ha. Oh, nice.

Whoa, where you going?

To have a conversation with Pierce.

She's pretty awesome today.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

What happened? Black Rider.

He wiped out the whole fort.

Then why are you still here?

I can't go back out there, this is the only life I know.

PIERCE: Annie?

Is that you?

Did you get the ammo? Yup.

Hey! What are you doing?

Why's Jeff's gun loaded with blanks?

Was it? [GUNFIRE]

[SCREAMING]

PIERCE: Oh, come on, now. Hey, hey.

Oh. Okay. I get it.

So once again, I'm the bad guy.

ALL: Yes.

Well, he got to win last year.

It's a game, Annie. Fine.

It's a game.

Let's play.

Put it in your holster. PIERCE: Come on, Annie.

You're my favorite, I don't wanna beat you.

I don't want Jeff to be the--

Put the gun in your holster and let's play the game.

Right.

So you can shoot me and play without me.

That's this group's favorite thing.

We're always nice to you, Pierce.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Three days ago, I walked in on you guys playing cards without me.

Three days ago.

We weren't playing cards, we were voting.

And you weren't invited because we were voting about you.

What? We were taking a vote on whether we'd invite you back to the group next year.

Lucky for you, it had to be unanimous.

There was one holdout. One red card.

[♪♪♪]

Pick it up.

[♪♪♪]

[SPURS CLINKING]

Black Rider.

It's Jeff Winger.

I know you've heard of me by now.

BLACK RIDER: No.

He's lying.

Look, if you're half the cool cowboy you pretend to be, you'll respect that we've got a situation playing out here and let us be until it's settled.

BLACK RIDER: Sure thing.

And once it's settled,

I'm taking out everybody in this room.

Oh. Starting with you, Mr. Insecure.

You think you're good-looking, but you're not.

You're average.

You're just an average-looking guy with a big chin.

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

What's going on? He's faking it.

BLACK RIDER: Something's wrong. SHIRLEY: It's fake.

Last week he did it to get out of letting me have gum.

He's old, it could be real.

It's real. It is. Argh!

The gurgling's a nice touch. You guys are terrible.

Eh, we warned you. Buddy, are you all right?

You want me to call 911?

Sucker! Son of a bitch, seriously?

Told you, dude. I'm the best!

You're the worst. I'm out of the group?

You're out of mine!

And I'm winning! We've created a monster.

Let's not give ourselves too much credit.

I'm out. Some old guy pretended to have a heart attack.

Shot me in the gut.

I don't care, that's your problem.

This school sucks. Well, then why do you go here?

I wouldn't go to this toilet with my big sister's toe.

I take a class online.

I was paid to be here and win the game so my boss could keep his money.

You work for the ice cream company?

Sweetie, this thing is so much bigger than you can even imagine.

I'm out of here, I got Coldplay tickets.

Coldplay?

Too late, bean allergy, you blew it.

CHANG: Hello?

Anybody?

Does anyone have an alliance I can join?

I'm really loyal.

[SCREAMING]

Am I out?

MAN 1: In formation. Blue Leader, standing by.

Blue Leader, stand by.

MAN 2: Red 5, standing by.

MAN 3: White Clones, standing by.

PATTY: On your knees.

No Greendale student can be allowed to win this game.

Initiate Plan B: Operation Total Invasion.

Greendale students, I understand you've unified

and intend to draw this game out.

Well, if it's a war you want, it's a war you shall lose.

Resistance is as pointless as your degrees.

[♪♪♪]

Are we the Little Rascals? I was.

I'm the dean, stop shooting me!

We're gonna lose this war and school.

This is it. We're dying out here.

I had a dream it'd end this way. Once I'm gone, I'm gone.

I'll see you in hell. That's the tip of the iceberg.