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Remedial Chaos Theory

ANNIE: Didn't they say 304? BRITTA: 303. I wrote it down.

♪ Troy and Abed's New apartment ♪♪

BOTH: Hi. [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

TROY: Come on in. ANNIE: Wow. Okay.

ANNIE AND BRITTA: Wow.

What a great place.

You guys-- You guys look so fancy.

We read a book on being hosts. Rule one, dress to impress.

Rule number two, avoid touchy topics like the Negro problem.

Written in the '40s. Yeah.

Good, you guys are finally here. Finally?

Shirley showed up at 3. Time flies when I'm baking.

No, it doesn't.

The door downstairs was propped open with this.

This is unsafe. Anyone could've wandered in.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Like our guests? Be right back.

Thank you. Let me give you the grand tour.

Bathroom, kitchen, who cares?

This is the boulder scene from Raiders, with actual rolling boulder.

BRITTA: Ooh. Yeah.

MAN [ON RECORDING]: Adiós, Satipo.

BRITTA & ANNIE: Ah... ABED: Pow.

Pretty cool, huh? Super cool. And sexy.

Super sexy cool. Overselling it.

I made pizza. But we ordered real pizza.

Nothing more real than homemade. Didn't have some ingredients, so I used ketchup and cream cheese.

We ordered real pizza. Uh, Abed.

Okay. Hey, I got you that. Hi. Agh. Ha.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH] Very nice.

Oh, look, Indiana Jones

and the Apartment of Perpetual Virginity.

[LAUGHS]

Chop busted, fellow adult, chop busted.

It's nice. Not mansion nice, but it's nice.

Didn't you live in a mansion with me?

This is more my speed and century.

I've hardly missed you at all since I had you removed from my portraits.

Jeff, check it out.

Serbian rum. So strong, it is banned there.

Banned in Serbia, Jeff. Heh, heh.

Let that concept sink in.

You enjoy. I have to leave. Oh?

Yeah, sorry. I got an invite to the opening of a new club.

It's like this place was designed for me.

I made that in Photoshop and mailed it to you so you'd keep tonight open.

There's no such thing as Single Malt Platinum Boobs and Billiards Club?

Oh.

I guess I never said it out loud.

We offer more than boobs and billiards.

JEFF: What? One word, two syllables.

Don't say charades.

BOTH: Yahtzee!

Is charades off the table?

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

Come on. And...

Okay.

Now, "how to play Yahtzee."

Is there nothing from our youth companies won't repackage?

Call it Yahtzee all you want.

Everybody knows it's Puerto Rican chess.

[INTERCOM BUZZES AND ANNIE GASPS]

It's just the pizza. We can't buzz him up.

Someone has to go down.

Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

You're creating six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

[♪♪♪]

Two. One, two. Annie. Okay, fine.

I guess I'm going down. All this talk of going down.

You guys know I had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane?

ALL: Oh! We're about to eat.

It's not namedropping. Checking on my pies.

♪ Roxanne ♪ No.

Bathroom? Yeah, over here.

Uh, guys, what does a pregnancy test look like?

Plastic with a thing on the end. So this is definitely a gun.

Whoa! Yeah, put that away. Oh, my--

Why does Annie have a gun? That's not a gun.

That's a girl's peashooter. Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

What are we gonna do about this? I'm gonna get a drink.

Ow! Ha, ha, ha.

What's so funny? People hitting their heads.

Don't fight over them.

♪ You don't have to put on The red light ♪

Well, you can fight a little.

Smells weird.

I beg your pardon? Smells weird. What did you do?

Abed, you don't ask someone a question like that.

It's not dignified.

Pizza!

Pizza, pizza, go in tummy Me so hungy, me so hungy

Pizza guy was super creepy.

So you're saying he was a pizza guy?

♪ Roxanne ♪♪ ♪ Put on the red light ♪♪

What happened in the other timelines?

There are no other timelines.

[BUZZES]

Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

You're creating six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

[♪♪♪]

Four. One, two, three, four. Shirley.

Okay, just don't let my pies burn. Hee-hee.

[THE POLICE'S "ROXANNE" PLAYS]

Remember, no one eats those pies.

Come on, let's just talk to her. We tried, but she ignored us.

The woman has a baking problem.

I don't like being the bad guy anymore than anybody else--

♪ Rox-- ♪ No.

Bathroom? Yeah, over here.

We have a pact. We do not enable her baking.

It's better for her in the long run.

Know who got it in the long run?

Eartha Kitt when I nailed her in the airplane bathroom.

Ew, Pierce. What? Came up organically.

Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

Oh.

Cool. Thanks, Pierce.

Whoa!

What is it? What? It's a Norwegian troll.

When Troy and I were living together, I had it on display in the hall outside his bedroom. He seemed very taken with it.

[JEFF CHUCKLES]

It used to watch me sleep! Pierce, shame on you.

Jeff, what are you gonna do? Get a drink.

Ow! Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, my God. Are you okay? Barely felt it.

Let me look at it. It's not dignified.

Pizza!

Pizza, pizza, in my tummy

Me so hungy, me so hungy

Did someone remember to take out my pies?

Seriously? Oh!

Oh!

Oh, no.

Seriously?! Shirley, it doesn't matter.

We weren't gonna eat them.

You're not allowed to have baking as an identity.

Excuse me for being the only married woman in a group of horny toads making googly eyes at each other.

Googly eyes? Googly eyes?

♪ I know my mind is made up ♪

Oh!

PIERCE: Shirley, it's okay.

Nobody makes googly eyes at me either. We're the same.

[SHIRLEY SOBBING]

ANNIE: Oh, Shirley. Shirley.

♪ Roxanne ♪

MAN [ON RECORDING]: Adiós, Satipo.

♪ You don't have to put on The red light ♪♪

Why is she upset? Her pies didn't burn in other timelines.

Shirley just had a nervous breakdown.

More like a nervous-- Bake-down, I know.

I didn't say it on purpose. There are no other timelines.

[BUZZES]

Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

You're creating six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

[♪♪♪]

Three. One, two, three. Pierce. Crap.

["ROXANNE" PLAYS]

Speaking of crap, I was taking one in an airplane when Eartha Kitt decided to bang me.

Oh! What? It's where my mind went.

Your mind went years ago.

[CHUCKLES]

Ugh. I'm gonna check on my pies.

♪ Roxann-- ♪ No.

Bathroom? Yeah, over here.

I love your place, Troy. You're all grown up now.

I can't believe those are real mahogany bunk beds in there.

I bet that cost you a few allowances.

Hm. All right.

ANNIE: Aw. Troy. Oh. Now we done it.

[ANNIE GIGGLES]

Britta's in the ba-- MAN: Adiós, Satipo.

♪ Walk the streets for money ♪

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

BRITTA: Who is it? Troy.

I'm washing my hands. Good, then I can come in.

Oh, hi! Um...

Uh, ahem. I was smoking a cigarette.

I know what you were doing.

I'm 21 years old. I'm a man.

Oh, okay, here.

I know that. We all know that.

Then why is Jeff always picking on me?

You seem to be a little hard on Troy.

I'm gonna get a drink.

Ow! Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Barely felt it. Let me look in the bathroom.

Britta's in the bathroom. Oh, um...

Oh, no, what happened? Minor head wound.

If there's an abrasion, we'll clean it and apply ice.

You make a good nurse. Thanks.

Dr. Shirley says mini pies are the best medicine.

Then I'd like to see her degree.

He's butting antlers because you're a threat.

You've got your own place, you've got a future, you've got a bowl full of olives next to the toilet.

It's a fancy party, Britta.

You know what Jeff has in his bathroom?

Neither do I. He keeps his toiletries in a safe.

His whole personality is based around guarding himself.

You don't have to be like that to be a man.

[♪♪♪]

You're really cool, Britta.

Pizza guys are getting worse and worse looking.

Guess all the good ones went into porn.

Ceiling fan. I miss all the fun.

What happened in the other timelines?

Who cares? Who cares?

♪ Roxanne ♪♪ ♪ Put on the red light ♪♪

[CHUCKLING]

[BUZZES]

Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

You're creating six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

[♪♪♪]

Six. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Britta. Great.

Great. You know what's great? Air travel.

I've flown a lot, a lot of airplane stories.

Once had sex with Eartha Kitt-- I'm gonna check on my pies.

Hm. Hey.

You guys are my best-- I'm gonna get a drink.

Ow! Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, my God. Are you okay? Ha, ha, ha!

Barely felt it. Let me look in the bathroom.

Refill the toilet olives? We're good. I checked.

You're the best. Wanna stay up all night talking?

Here, Troy. Happy housewarming.

Oh, cool. Thanks, Pierce.

You make a good nurse, Annie. Thank you.

I actually had to apply a tourniquet the other day.

A guy got stabbed outside my building.

What? You gotta get the hell out of that apartment.

You don't have to treat me like a kid anymore.

Yeah, but adults still need to be protected.

I can't help but worry about you, Annie.

You're important to me.

[♪♪♪]

TROY: Aah! Stop! Feel the terror!

Feel the terror of the Norwegian troll!

What's going on? Pierce is terrorizing Troy.

He's jealous we moved in. You're jealous.

Why would I be jealous? Because you're lonely and crazy.

Hey, guys, this is Toby, our pizza delivery guy.

I know this is gonna sound nuts, but we're in love and we're getting married.

[♪♪♪]

What happened in the other timelines?

Wait, there are other timelines?

[BUZZES]

Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

You're creating six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

[♪♪♪]

One. Troy. Ugh. Damn it.

I'm gonna go as fast as I can so I don't miss anything.

["ROXANNE" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

PIERCE: You know who I used to call Miss Anything? Eartha Kitt.

[ALL GROAN]

What? He totally set me up.

I'm checking on my pies.

♪ Roxa-- ♪ No.

Bathroom? Yeah, over here.

Jeff, tell us about your father. I'm gonna get a drink.

Ow! Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Barely felt it. Let me look in the bathroom.

[SCREAMING]

Oh!

[GUNSHOT]

[PIERCE SCREAMING]

What the hell?!

PIERCE: No! Aah!

Call 911. Abed, help me stop the bleeding!

I'm dying.

I am dying.

♪ Roxanne ♪

[SCREAMS]

Water. Water. Water!

♪ Roxanne ♪ ♪ Put on the red light ♪

♪ Roxanne ♪ ♪ Put on the red light ♪

ABED: Breathe, Pierce.

♪ Put on the red light ♪

You. ♪ Put on the red light ♪♪

No!

[BUZZES]

Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

You're creating six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

[♪♪♪]

Five. One, two, three, four, five.

Abed. I'm on it.

Know who else was on it? And do you know what it is?

Everybody give me money.

Wow, that ascot really softens your personality.

I banged Eartha Kitt.

["ROXANNE" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ Roxann-- ♪ No.

Bathroom? Down the hall.

♪ You don't have to put on The red light ♪

I'm getting a drink.

Ow! Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Barely felt it. Let me look in the bathroom.

Britta's in the bathroom. Oh, um...

♪ You don't have to wear That dress tonight ♪

Oh, no, what happened? Minor head wound.

Oh, my God. What smells amazing?

Oh, someone wants pie!

You make a good nurse.

[GIGGLING]

[SIGHS] Oh, my God.

They taste just like regular-size pies.

Oh, yay! Happy housewarming.

Oh, cool. Thanks, Pierce.

I just wanted to say thanks for letting me live with you.

I feel like making desserts is the only thing I'm good for.

But now it's time to try and make it on my own, like you did.

I can't help but worry about you.

Don't open this. No-- What?

You're very important to me.

Crap. I was not supposed to eat your stuff.

We made an agreement. Crap. I was not supposed to say that.

Crap. Okay, cards on the table. I'm really high right now.

Oh.

TROY: Give me-- I'll give you something else.

A Waterpik. A speedboat. Two Waterpiks.

I can't believe I'm feeding my pies to a drug addict.

Drug addict? You're a pie pusher.

You push pies to get love.

Give it, Pierce! It feels fun! Stop it.

I'm sorry, I just had a weird déjà vu.

You're bad at gift-giving!

What you said about worrying about me, it's something my dad always said.

I demand to be housewarmed! Shouldn't have brought it up.

Just reminded me of my dad.

Anyway-- A little Make Out 101.

Less dad talk. And ease up on the bubblegum lip gloss.

TROY: No, I really-- No, you--

♪ Roxanne ♪ ♪ Put on the red light ♪

Pizza time. Give me this, you godless hippie skank!

You're a sick, sad old man and I hope you die alone.

Yeah.

♪ Roxanne ♪ ♪ Put on the red light ♪

I wonder what happened in all those other timelines.

♪ Roxanne ♪ ♪ Put on the red light ♪

I hope this is the real one. I found a nickel in the hallway.

♪ Roxanne ♪♪ ♪ Put on the red light ♪♪

[BUZZES]

Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

You're creating six different timelines.

Of course I am, Abed.

[♪♪♪]

I don't think you should.

Chaos already dominates our lives.

The universe is a sea of randomness.

Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few rare beautiful things that we know to be predictable. Ropes? Vines.

Vines? Let him finish!

Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we accept each other's flaws and virtues.

Annie will be driven. Shirley will be giving.

Pierce won't apologize. Britta's sort of a wild card.

Jeff will remain a conniving son of a bitch.

SHIRLEY: Abed! Six sides to this die and seven of us. He devised a system by which he never gets the pizza.

You crafty jackrabbit. Really? Dang, man.

Pretty low, dude.

It's called friendship. Look it up. Encarta it.

I think we just found our pizza-getter.

Yes, Jeffrey. ANNIE: We did.

["ROXANNE" PLAYS]

Oh, like it matters who goes.

[LAUGHING]

What's so funny? Karma.

That guy sucks harder than the toilet in an airplane bathroom.

Airplane bathroom-- Oh, my pies.

♪ Roxanne ♪ Oh!

BRITTA & SHIRLEY: ♪ You don't have To put on the red light ♪

[SHIRLEY SQUEALS]

♪ Those days are over ♪ ♪ Those days are over ♪

♪ You don't have to sell Your body to the night ♪

SHIRLEY: Sing, girls!

I really love your place. You should move here.

♪ You don't have to wear That dress tonight ♪

♪ Walk the streets for money ♪

Come on, Troy.

♪ If it's wrong Or if it is right ♪

♪ Roxanne ♪

♪ You don't have to put on The red light ♪

You guys see what happens when I leave you alone, huh?

♪ You don't have to put on The red light ♪

♪ Roxanne ♪ ♪ Put on the red light ♪

♪ Roxanne ♪ ♪ Put on the red light ♪

Go, Troy!

♪ Put on the red light ♪

♪ Roxanne ♪♪ ♪ Put on the red light ♪♪

To Pierce. May he rest in Pierce.

[LAUGHING]

Don't you think you've had enough?

Of you.

I've been thinking about that night. One thing is clear.

This is the darkest, most terrible timeline.

Enough with the timeline crap, Abed!

Pierce got shot in the leg and died. Shirley's a drunk.

Annie's locked in a mental ward because her guilt drove her insane.

Jeff lost an arm in the fire.

Troy lost his larynx because for some dumb reason, he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it.

[OVER VOCODER] You don't understand anything about trolls.

Life has gone to hell, Abed.

This is real. Look at us. Look at me!

Britta, you put one wash-away blue streak in your hair, and I lost an arm.

Exactly. Life got dark. All because Jeff rolled a one.

I love how this is my fault. It's mine.

I've run through that night. I come back to one thought:

I should've caught the die and not let you roll it.

I failed to do that and we all suffered.

But I'm gonna make it up to you.

What is this? This is the darkest timeline.

I propose we commit to evil. I made goatees out of felt.

Put them on until you're able to grow your own.

From now on, I am evil Abed.

We're the evil study group and we have but one evil goal:

Return to the timeline that I stopped you from rolling that die.

Destroy the good versions of ourselves and reclaim our lives.

Evil Abed, as evil Jeff, am I allowed to pull fewer punches with you?

Certainly. I hate you!

Shut up with your sci-fi crap!

I lost my damn arm, and you're making fake beards!

Goatees.

[GROANING]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Evil Troy and evil Abed ♪♪

MAN 1 [ON TV]: Those Blorgons peppered our biscuits.

What's wrong? I don't know.

MAN 2: --we got out just in space.

MAN 1: I certainly walked right into that one.

I guess nothing.