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Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism

[MEN CHEERING]

Happy Friday. What are you doing this weekend?

The question is, who am I doing this weekend?

He's asking because he's forgotten. It's nobody.

I'm volunteering at the animal hospital.

SHIRLEY: Aw. Animal hospital?

The animals are patients. Makes sense.

Dr. Zizmor's letting me work off the cost of Daniel's surgery.

You won't spend money on a phone, but you got Lasik for your cat?

He only has the one eye, Jeff.

I can't exactly buy him a cat monocle, can I?

It's pretentious.

And for your information, this is a Totorola.

[MEN CHEERING LOUDLY]

Troy and I will be having a special Saturday night, as in Dark Knight. Oh! It came!

Our limited-edition, $299 Dark Knight DVD with bonus footage, commentary, and autograph, including a personalized message of up to four words!

"Abed is Batman now, Christian Bale."

It's official. From the man himself.

May I have that back? Thank you.

If you see this lying out, I'm using it, so don't take it and dump it out.

Is this about your noodles?

I didn't say that. [MEN SHOUTING]

Yeah!

[GROANS] MAN: Into your face!

Your tears reveal your weakness!

What is it with foosball? They've been at it for weeks.

They're European. It's more important over there.

Foosball's the soccer of ping-pong.

Eats it! Eats it! I can't take it anymore.

Let them be. Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos.

My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos, invented this game for one purpose, to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen.

Now it has. The game of foosball is completed.

You're free to return to your hearing-impaired families.

[GERMAN ACCENT] We'll stop if you can score a point on us.

Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing foosball?

And, if so, how would I not be a loud, weird knob?

[GERMAN ACCENT] Free shot. I'm not touching the foosenschaften.

Sorry, Luftballons. I'm above it.

[MEN CHEERING] MAN: Boo-yah!

I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune.

It's the face of a broken man.

Jeff. Smile. [POP]

Uh, uh... Ooh!

They, uh... They come in a six-pack.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

Oh... [BREATHES DEEPLY]

Buttered noodles.

I'm allowed to throw out the dust, right?

Yeah.

[CRUNCH]

[GASPS]

[TROY HUMMING]

What's wrong?

I... I...

[GASPS]

Why?

I stepped on it. Why?

I was dusting the TV. Why?

I can get a new one before he gets home.

Oh, sure, Annie. And then we just have to record fake exclusive commentary by Christian Bale.

Go ahead, you first. This scene was a challenge to all involved... Stop it! That's not an option!

The disc is irreplaceably awesome!

What if we got a different disc, and...

Know how many sitcoms have done the "secretly replace a broken, priceless item" thing? 'Cause Abed does.

Abed knows everything,

You think you can think your way out of this with your thinkiness, but don't think too much.

You just have to confess.

Okay? Okay.

[HUMMING SADLY]

[GRAVELLY VOICE] We shot this on location...

[NORMAL VOICE] He's right. Won't work.

[BALL RATTLING]

[♪♪♪]

Jeffrey? What are you doing?

Hmm? Oh. You know, I just thought next time those Deutsch bags try to show off, maybe I can catch them by surprise.

You don't need to worry what foreigners think.

That's your birthright as an American.

[SIGHS] Okay.

Small confession.

I used to love foosball.

It was a great after-school game for a lonely kid with no dad.

Just masculine enough without having to know how to throw or catch.

I have seen you throw. And it was fun.

Till I started getting bullied by people like those Germans.

So I quit.

Well, you did the right thing.

Foosball is a vile game for vile people.

You wouldn't get it.

It's a guy thing, not a fresh-baked-pie thing.

Well, I might get it a little.

[GRUNTS ANGRILY]

You don't know me.

Ho...ly...crap.

I think I figured out the viewing order.

Original version, director's cut, director's cut with commentary, original version cool-down.

Yeah, we'll see. Mm-hm.

Oh, my God, you guys. We've been robbed!

[WEEPING]

Oh, man. I can't believe we got robbed.

Shirley, Shirley. You have to teach me.

Please, help me beat those evil power Krauts.

Don't you get it, Jeff?

They're not evil people that are good at foosball.

They are good at foosball because they're evil.

It's an evil game that brings out the worst in us, like out-of-town weddings where the reception's in the same place.

Great. After three years of religious advice and carb-laden pastries, you finally have one thing I actually need, and...

I'm sorry.

Um, that was rude.

[SIGHS] It shouldn't be so important to me.

I'll, uh... I'll see you Monday.

Jeff...

Tomorrow, dawn, be in the student lounge.

Shirley, you are the best.

Dear Lord, please forgive me.

And please have mercy on him.

The stakes have never been higher.

Shut up, Leonard. I found your YouTube page.

What's the point reviewing frozen pizza?

You're talking about it.

Well, that is true.

Now, Jeffrey, the key to winning foosball is to tap into your darkness, so promise you won't judge the side of me that might come out.

Shirley, I'm gonna be perfectly blunt with you.

The few times you've been bad are the times I've liked you most.

Really? Remember making fun of Britta's boyfriend's nipples? They were tiny.

Remember what you did to Pierce's hoagie?

That was so disturbing, I almost proposed.

Now, come on, show me how to dominate.

All right, Winger, hands on the grips.

I'm coming up on your right side in three, two, one!

Know why you can't stop me? I'm not playing a game.

For you, it's winning and losing.

For me, it's life and death. Unh!

That's how I win. That's where you have to go.

No more thought, no more feeling.

Kill or be killed. Kill or be killed, little man.

Think when this mattered, before you got to be too cool. Unh!

Stop acting like you're not ashamed.

Follow that shame to the fear. Follow that fear to the rage.

You put that rage... Aah!

Up your ass, turkey. Ha, ha!

There's only two ways off this table, kill or be killed. Say it.

Kill or be killed. Say it, mumbles!

Kill or be killed. Kill!

Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Yeah!

You called me turkey.

I love it.

[GROWLS SOFTLY]

Sorry we couldn't get a car over here until now.

Our captain was killed on duty last night.

My God, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Good man.

Leaves behind two kids and a pregnant wife.

So you're missing a Batman DVD?

My Dark Knight extended extended cut, wasn't insured.

No sign of forced entry on your door or windows.

Sure it wasn't misplaced?

Someone broke in. Some of my jewelry's missing.

You sure about that, Annie?

Mmm-hmm. My necklace.

It was gold. White gold.

With emeralds. And my name engraved in Hebrew.

It was a bat mitzvah gift from my nana.

She was a Rockette. She married a Count.

He was blind. He loved her for her mind.

Good color for the report, but I got to be honest, small stuff like this almost never turns up.

Oh, no, Abed. We'll be in touch.

You look familiar. Did I pretend to shoot a guy in front of you to teach you gun safety?

I'm really good at faces.

[DOOR CLOSES] I guess the only upside is it's brought us closer as roommates.

Something doesn't add up. There was no forced entry.

Had to be an inside job. We don't know that.

Instead of taking cash, pharmaceuticals, laptops, they take my Batman DVD, and one piece of ornate jewelry?

Nana gave it. It's smoke.

It's a ruse, a lie. Hmm?

I think I know what happened.

Abed, I... The landlord did it.

It all makes sense. Rick has keys to every apartment, means.

Knows when we're coming and going, opportunity.

He dressed as The Joker for Halloween, motive.

Hmm. Something's got to be done.

Oh, let's not leap to thing-doing.

[DOOR CLOSES] Right, Annie?

[SQUEALING]

Double strike.

Got it. Back blast.

Boom! Viper shot.

Nailed it! MAN: Oh, look.

How cute. You do like foosball.

You just have to practice with your mama.

What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?

Take that back! We came to play.

Get away from our table. We're using it, strudel-brain.

Nice. Play us for it.

Fine. Monday morning.

Only let's make it interesting.

The losers never use this table again.

Oh, you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.

We're gonna kick das butt.

Nice. Thank you.

Enough Teutonic punnery.

Monday morning, you get this.

Were you guys walking with a soccer ball so you could do that?

They left the ball and everything.

They were literally walking around with it like a prop.

That's like a $25 bit, and it's not even that good.

You have got to come clean.

I don't know what he's doing, but it's dramatic.

I'm sure he's moved on to some other obsession.

Oh, look, fun. The police are powerless.

I must take justice into my own hands.

Men like Rick operate above the law.

But there's something else above the law.

Bats.

And me.

Abed, don't do anything drastic.

Maybe we should just take a step back and...

Is that the grappling hook I got you for Christmas?

The night beckons.

Its black fingers curl and uncurl, going, like, "Hey, come here."

Abed, wait! Wait. I did it.

I stepped on your DVD, and it broke, and I staged a break-in to cover it up.

If that were true, you would've come forward a long time ago.

You're lying to keep me out of danger.

But there can be no peace while crime spits and dances on the grave of justice to the hot beats and infectious rhythms of all that is wrong.

[GASPS]

Oh! Just...

TROY: Use your foot. ANNIE: Ooh!

TROY: You're okay. Okay. Ooh!

Oh!

Troy! What are we gonna do? Now you're open to input?

I'm following him.

You moving in here was supposed to tone us down.

[LAUGHING]

So, Shirley, tell me, how does someone with your talent ever stop playing?

I don't want to talk about that. We're like best friends now.

Don't back away from this. Open up to me.

[CHUCKLES] Okay, well.

When I was a kid, I had anger, Jeff.

Real bad anger. And foosball was a release.

But I didn't just beat people. I broke 'em.

One time I was running this table over at this YMCA,

and I was really giving it to this kid,

this skinny white boy, no offense. He started crying.

They always started crying.

This boy made me want to take it all the way.

I started jabbing him with the rods until...

the boy peed himself.

Everybody laughed. I laughed.

But after that, the game lost its flavor.

Once you make a boy pee his pants, you start thinking about where your life is headed.

Jeff, what's wrong?

Gonna kill you! Your ass is mine!

You're such a punk! You like being beat by a girl?

Yes! [KIDS CHEERING]

What are you crying for? Your mama cannot help you,

I know your daddy ain't around, or you wouldn't play like a bitch.

[SOBBING]

Ha!

[GROANS] ALL: Ooh!

Oh, my goodness gracious. Is that what I think?

I just beat this kid all the way to tinkletown.

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

ALL: Tinkletown. Tinkletown.

Tinkletown. Tinkletown.

Tinkletown. Tinkletown.

You were Big Cheddar?

Who told you that...

Oh, dear Lord.

You're Tinkletown?

Don't call me that!

All your fake sweetness and religion is just a veil covering a horrible monster.

And I had a lot of Mountain Dew that day!

MAN ON TV: Sam, Ziggy says there's an 80 percent chance

you can't leave Woodstock until you bone these hippies.

Oh, boy.

[WOMAN MOANING]

[EXCLAIMS FEARFULLY]

[♪♪♪]

[FABRIC TEARING]

You know what I came for, scum. Where is it?

In the closet. In the closet, man.

Abed, stop it! Get him!

I mean, stop it. They're in the closet.

I knew I'd get caught. Just don't hurt me, Batman.

Closet.

Oh!

Women's shoes?

But Rick doesn't have a wife. Or women's feet.

[GASPS] Wait. My summertime ballet flats?

I thought I lost these.

Is it there? Does he have the DVD?

The what? ABED: The DVD.

He has it, all right.

And it looks like he broke it.

Who are you?

If you had something to say, why not put it in the text message?

I wasn't sure what to say.

Do you understand what you did to me, Big Cheddar?

Please, don't call me that. Why not? It's what you are.

A mean, nasty bully.

I was 12 years old.

I peed! I had to change schools.

I changed everything.

My clothes, my hair, my personality, because of you.

What a waste.

I wish I could take a picture of you and send it to my 10-year-old self.

Watch it, Winger.

You don't have a trademark on self-pity.

I will defend myself.

Good. Bring the cheddar... Big Cheddar.

I'll put you on the express train back to tinkletown!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[THUNDER]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Ah! Die! Ha! Never!

[BOTH GASPING]

JEFF: Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

You get it. No, you get it.

You need the advantage. Wrong. Wrong!

Every game I ever won, I won fairly.

Foosball was how I measured my value. You took that away!

Why do think I had to? Try sprouting three feet when boys are about to look at you.

Everyone stopped liking me. This game is all I had.

It's all I had. Well, that's stupid.

You're a perfectly fine person.

So are you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry, Jeff.

You don't have anything to be sorry for, Shirley.

Rick has agreed to stay out of your apartment as long as you stay out of his.

I'm getting tired of saying this.

These things wouldn't happen if you'd invest in a shoe safe.

That's it? We just live upstairs from this... guy that's really into footwear?

Sweetie, you're a renter. Look forward to owning a house.

Be glad he's not into heads. Thanks for your help.

If you should ever need me, I get out of school around 4:00.

This guys sleeps outside your room, and that's okay?

[DOOR CLOSES] One thing I don't understand.

Why would Rick deny taking my DVD?

And why break it?

Maybe he stepped on it by accident and felt really, really, really bad.

All the more reason to confess.

Not everybody's perfect, Abed. Batman. And I am.

Well, Batman, on behalf of all of us that aren't perfect, can I just say I'm sorry I broke your DVD?

Apology accepted.

I wouldn't mention it to Abed. That guy's pretty ruthless.

And that's coming from Batman.

[FABRIC WHOOSHING]

[NORMAL VOICE] Hey, guys.

Abed, where have you been?

Troy, really?

MAN: Let it go. Aw, black in the house!

My hand is cramping. MAN: It's fine.

Oh.

Hey, Freudenkatzen.

Ready for your schpankin'?

Just like we practiced? Let's shut 'em down.

[LAUGHS] Let's dance, David Bowie.

[♪♪♪]

Get the ball, Karl.

I'm trying, and stop yelling at me.

Stop being such a Schwein!

Aren't you playing foosball? We've played enough.

We're gonna go see a movie.

[GIGGLES]

Since when are those two so close?

[♪♪♪]

Well, this is November 29th,

and I'm Leonard,

and today I'm reviewing

Eugenio's Four Cheese Frozen Pizza.

That's $5.99 at Kroger's.

I've tried it before, and we'll see.

Mmm!

Mmm, the cheese is good.

The sauce is good, too.

It's definitely a buy.

Eugenio's Four Cheese Frozen Pizza.

A buy. See you next time.

♪ I'm as high as hell And you're about to get shot ♪

[GUNSHOT]