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Regional Holiday Music

[♪♪♪]

Wow, they found a way to make the Human Being even creepier.

Covering him in icicles. I think it's festive.

Yeah, my favorite Christmas tradition is trimming the Hellraiser. Guys, found something we can watch together for Christmas this year.

The long-lost 1981 Inspector Spacetime Holiday Special.

Runtime two-and-a-half hours.

So critically reviled that after it aired, the creator had his knighthood revoked.

That sounds terrible.

I wanna watch it twice, but I'm spending Christmas with my relatives.

Or rather, I'm spending the day with them while they refuse to acknowledge Christmas.

You Jehovah Witnesses, so severe.

Andre and I are spending Christmas giving gifts to the more persuadable of our Jewish friends.

I wouldn't call a visit from your pastor a gift.

And don't bother this year. I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.

You're not taking both of them?

Well, one's dead. What?

I was looking forward to hanging out with you.

This semester's been so long, dark, angry.

I was thinking we could have some fun.

What we've learned is that attempts to make the holidays brighter give them a certain darkness.

I don't know if I agree with that.

CHOIR: ♪ Deck the halls With boughs of holly ♪

Actually, maybe I do.

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly Fa la la la la la ♪

♪ Rock on ♪

Merry Christmas, Greendale. Glee Club here, reminding you that our Christmas pageant is coming.

Next stop, regionals.

What are regionals? They never stop talking about it.

♪ I said deck ♪

Please tell me we were not this obnoxious the year we filled in.

T-minus five seconds till the hip-hop remix. Four, three...

♪ Come on Re re re remix ♪

♪ Re re re remix ♪

♪ Fa la la la F-A-L-A, come on ♪

You're awfully quiet, Jeff.

Nobody hates Glee Club more than you.

I'm just content to sit back and enjoy the show.

And now our pop music mash-up.

Elton Lil Jon Lennon.

BOTH: Kick it. Hey, tiny dancer.

Okay.

CHANG: Stop!

Cease and desist.

Glee Club, meet ASCAP.

Protecting musical copyrights since 1914.

They've received an anonymous tip unlicensed material was being performed here without the artists' permission. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Glee Club just became History Club.

[CHEERING]

[SINGERS SCREAMING]

MAN: Oh, no! No!

WOMAN: No! MAN: Why?

[LAUGHS]

My soul is dead. Oh!

Okay, anyone asks, we were never here.

[SINGERS SOBBING]

MAN: Why?

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ Give me some more Time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all Just fade away ♪

The Glee Club is at Westside Hospital, recuperating from a collective nervous breakdown.

This is the second Glee Club we've lost in two years.

We might have to cancel the Christmas pageant.

And to think they were this close to regionals.

What the hell are regionals? They're this close, Pierce.

Anyway, an old friend wants to talk to you.

Your favorite Glee Club instructor, the dreamy and boyish Mr. Cory Radison.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Uh-- I thought I told you to call me Mr. Rad.

Or Cory. Just don't call me late to dinner.

Unless you're serving Brussels sprouts.

Aah! I won't, I promise.

This guy's like human froyo.

Look, when the last Glee Club died in that bus crash, you guys stepped up.

You were the best gosh-darn emergency substitutes

I've ever worked with. Well, this time,

I'm not gonna kid you. It won't be easy.

Oh. Your best won't be good enough.

And 10 times your best will be so bad,

I will yell at you.

But I promise, if we dig down--

Pass. BRITTA: Yeah.

Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Don't you hurt him.

Mr. Rad?

I feel like we let Mr. Rad down.

He let himself down when he left the house wearing a sweater vest.

I guess we did have fun last time.

Did we? I can hardly remember.

It's all a weird, happy, musical fog.

It was like being on ecstasy, only instead of having pointless conversations and dancing like idiots-- Wait.

It was exactly like being on ecstasy.

That's what worries me about this guy.

He's equal parts Hanson and Manson.

Nobody let him corner you until he is out of recruitment mode, or next thing you know, we'll all be caring about Christmas pageants and regionals. You're right.

Agreed. Gotcha.

PIERCE: What the hell are regionals?

[PIANO PLAYING]

What are you still doing here?

I thought I'd give her one more tinkle before I took down decorations.

No Glee Club means no pageant, means no Christmas.

Trying to make things brighter just would've made more darkness.

That sounds like a certain ex-lawyer talking.

I see a lot of myself in you, Abed.

You care about your friends.

And you wish they cared more about each other.

That's not an easy position to be in sometimes.

I want my friends to have a merry Christmas.

Well, maybe you could start by giving them the greatest Christmas gift of all.

What's that?

♪ Glee, it's a feeling you get ♪

♪ When your brain finally lets Your heart get in its pants ♪

♪ Glee, it's like a drug That you use ♪

♪ That turns pain into shoes ♪

♪ And your shoes into dance ♪

How's your piano still playing this song?

♪ Glee is the answer When questions are wrong ♪

♪ You'll understand If you just sing along ♪

♪ 'Cause glee is the gift That you need ♪

♪ Glee is what I'll spread To my friends ♪

♪ Like a virus that sends them To a healthier place ♪

♪ Glee, I'll understand Every scene ♪

♪ Because they'll sing what they Mean instead of making a face ♪

♪ Families are closer When families are winning ♪

♪ Everything's cooler When cameras are spinning ♪

BOTH: ♪ Singing and dancing in unison In-in-in ♪

♪ Glee is the gift ♪

♪ That we need ♪

Glee!

Thank you, Mr. Rad. Don't break down the set yet.

I'm gonna try to get my friends to be in the Christmas pageant.

[♪♪♪]

Thank you, Abed.

Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

[ABED HUMMING]

Merry Christmas, Troy.

Abed, you look gleeful.

Don't you think it might actually be fun doing this pageant?

Abed, we hate the Glee Club.

Yeah. I guess I just like liking things.

Abed.

Look, you know I'd do anything you did, but--

I'm a Jehovah's Witness.

We're not supposed to celebrate Christmas.

I've been thinking about that. I may have a loophole.

What if you were a Jehovah's Witness merely pretending to be into Christmas, gathering clues to take down the holidays from within?

You mean like a spy investigating, making it seem like I'm celebrating, when actually I'm infiltrating

Santa's operation? Yoip!

♪ Going deep cover Past enemy lines ♪

♪ Making everybody think I'm on the Christmas side ♪

♪ Rocking warm sweaters Hanging big-ass lights ♪

♪ If the fat man can see me It's gotta look right ♪

♪ I'll watch all the TV Specials that I never could ♪

♪ I'll cry during the sad ones Like James Bond would ♪

♪ When the big night comes It's time to set the bait ♪

♪ Cold milk, hot cookies Decorative plate ♪

♪ He'll come down the chim-in-ey Just him and me ♪

♪ He won't know we're enemies 'Cause I'll play sincere ♪

♪ Spring a trap, like that Hug him tight, get on his lap ♪

♪ And tell him he can come back Every year ♪

♪ 'Cause I am Jehovah's Most secret witness ♪

♪ So I might have to dedicate My life to Christmas ♪

♪ And act just like I love it Till the day I die ♪

♪ A-B-E-D Connoisseur of Christmas ♪

♪ On the spectrum? None of your business ♪

♪ Thoughts too fast To comprehend ♪

♪ Wanna do right by my friends ♪

♪ If years were seasons This December

♪ Would be the December Of our December ♪

♪ More blueprints Than Howard Hughes ♪

♪ But if there are blueprints How do we choose? ♪

♪ We have to be happy To get to the end ♪

♪ We have to save Christmas To save our friends ♪

♪ We have to save Christmas To save our friends ♪

♪ We have to save Christmas To save our friends ♪

ANNIE: Hey, guys.

Rapping? Yep. Wanna join us?

Totally.

Wait. You guys never let me rap with you.

We're gonna need all hands on deck if we're gonna go to regionals.

Cool.

I just need to study though. In my room.

So have fun.

And then this morning I could hear them in the bathroom doing country mash-ups.

And they won't stop talking about regionals.

Maybe it's nothing.

Yeah, if nothing wears a sweater vest and seems aggressively asexual.

Let's all study for our final in our old--

Where's our table?

Who's that guy?

You guys all see him too, right?

ABED: Hey, guys. Merry Christmas, y'all.

Sorry about the rearrangement. We need this space to rehearse.

But we're not doing the pageant.

Look, guys, I hear your negativity, but also, can I counter with this? Who hates glee?

Listen to how that sounds.

"Glee" literally means "glee."

Oh, stop it. Not liking Glee Club doesn't make us bullies.

And implying that is reverse bullying.

Good point. Sing about it? ALL: No!

I understand them, but you, Pierce?

Your generation invented music.

I don't know about invented. Perfected, maybe.

Pierce, they're just trying to pander to your demographic's documented historical vanity. Resist.

Abed, wasn't Santa Claus himself part of Pierce's peer group?

I believe so.

BOTH: One, two, three, four.

♪ Santa Claus was born in 1945 ♪

♪ He had a boogie-woogie Coca-Cola army jive ♪

♪ And when the commies Gave the polio to Doris Day ♪

♪ Santa helped the Beatles Chase McCarthy away ♪

♪ That baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ He's never gonna die ♪

♪ Santa fought at Woodstock And Vietnam ♪

♪ And smoked a ton of acid And burnt his bra ♪

♪ And then in 1970 He did more drugs ♪

♪ And his hair stayed long ♪

♪ And he grew a mustache ♪

BOTH: ♪ Baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ He's gonna stay alive ♪

♪ Santa invented Spielberg and microchips ♪

♪ Santa invented Coca-Cola and aerobics ♪

♪ He made the Iron Curtain And the Gremlins 2 ♪

♪ Fake butter and AIDS And Twin Peaks ♪

BOTH: ♪ Baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ Thank you for MTV ♪

TROY: Aah! ABED: Ow!

♪ Baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ Thank you for everything ♪

♪ You're welcome ♪

♪ You're welcome For everything ♪

♪ In the world ♪

♪ You're welcome ♪

♪ You're welcome For all that I bring ♪

♪ To the world ♪

♪ I'm baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ I bring The gift of the world ♪

♪ Baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ I'm an American pearl ♪

Pierce is onboard. That's great.

For the Christmas queen, we can get Shirley or Annie.

They both have really strong voices, natural vibrato.

There's also Britta. Britta's adorable.

So Shirley or Annie for the Christmas queen.

There's a leaf on Britta's head. She's playing a tree.

And it's gonna be so fun.

Mr. Radison, who authorized you to rearrange our study room?

Who do you think you are?

I'll tell you.

[TUNER PLAYS NOTE]

♪ Well ♪ ♪ Well ♪

♪ Well ♪

I'm scared to go into the study room.

So many top hats in there.

I wish there was a way we could stop all this.

I realize the stakes aren't that high.

That just makes it extra scary. I know.

Jeff, I think I know what Mr. Rad is up to.

There's something you have to see.

[♪♪♪]

Mr. Rad plans to get every single member of our study group to join the Glee Club.

I don't know how that's gonna happen.

ANNIE: I'll show you.

What--?

This is just one of the many costume changes

I'll be doing during the show.

We're a shoo-in for regionals, right?

Annie, you too? This is beneath you.

You are an intelligent woman.

Also, you're Jewish.

I guess I have a lot to learn about holiday tradition.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Teach me How to understand Christmas ♪

♪ Show me how to open a box ♪

♪ It hurts my little head ♪

♪ When I'm lying in my bed ♪

♪ With visions Of sugarplum socks ♪

Is this a bit?

♪ Teach me How to understand Christmas ♪

♪ Do I trim the tree Or the deer? ♪

♪ I can't keep it straight ♪

♪ And now it's getting late ♪

♪ Where does the stocking go? ♪

♪ Here? I can't see ♪

♪ What's a Christmas Eve? ♪

♪ Is that Santa's lady? ♪

♪ Are snowmen cold or hot? ♪

♪ Won't you be my daddy? ♪

♪ I'm a silly Christmas baby ♪

♪ Tell me what to deck ♪

♪ Heh, 'cause I forgot ♪

Annie. Oof! Oh-ho.

♪ Brain hurty undie-stand-y Cwistmas ♪

♪ Mistletoe for eaty Taste good? ♪

♪ You smarty, me dumb ♪

♪ Help pwetty have fun ♪

♪ Boopy doopy doop boop ♪

♪ Sex ♪

Eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.

What's a dimin...?

[BABBLING]

Stay back, old man. Don't even hum.

Shirley, Britta, I have no intention of singing.

Good.

I can't speak for these angels, though.

[♪♪♪]

Oh.

KIDS: ♪ There's a magic in the air ♪

♪ Around us ♪

♪ We all have The sudden urge to bake ♪

♪ It feels like A very special birthday ♪

♪ But whose name should be Written on the cake? ♪

[GROANS]

Shirley, you need to get out of here.

♪ We asked our public school To give the answer ♪

They're not gonna tell you.

♪ But they could only teach us Not to pray ♪

That's what they do. That's what they do.

♪ The constitution says The state can't tell us ♪

♪ Was anyone important Born today? ♪

Oh, I gotta tell the babies.

♪ Jesus Christ ♪

♪ Jesus Christ is Lord ♪

♪ Happy birthday, Jesus ♪

♪ Cut the cake Cut the cake now ♪

♪ Cut the cake, my Lord ♪

Oh, Jeff, thank God.

They've got Shirley. It's just you and me now.

Jeff?

♪ Ah ♪

[SCREAMING]

[♪♪♪]

Guys, I am swelling with pride.

You stepped up and you saved the Christmas pageant.

And it's all thanks to you, Mr. Rad.

I just hope we can repay you by making regionals.

I thought this was regionals.

Don't let my confusion undercut their importance.

Places, everyone. Oh!

ABED: Great. Okay, scooch, scooch, scooch.

I could not have done this without your skills, Abed.

I was happy to do it.

I thought we were gonna end the semester on a dark note.

I'm glad we're singing together instead. It's been a good time.

It's going to continue to be a good time.

If we win regionals, it's straight on to sectionals.

And then a week later is semis, then semi-regionals.

Then regional semis, then national lower-zone semis.

Oh.

But I kind of thought this was, you know, just for Christmas.

No, no, no.

This is forever.

This is what we do now.

This is who we are.

[♪♪♪]

JEFF: ♪ Fa la la la la ♪ ♪ Fa la la la la ♪

♪ Fa la ♪ ♪ Fa la la la la ♪

♪ Fa la la la la ♪ ♪ Holla ♪

ALL: ♪ We are planet Christmas When we sing ♪

♪ We will sing together Throughout everything ♪

Britta.

Is this about regionals?

I talked to Cory, he needs you to be the Mouse King.

Me? But I'm supposed to be a mute tree.

It's an emergency.

This will help us get to regionals.

I knew it.

Wait. What are the lyrics?

They're in your heart, Britta. Right. Duh-doy.

♪ We are everyone And we are everything ♪

[OFF-KEY] ♪ Christmas time ♪

What--?

Oh, Britta's in this?

♪ I got a Christmas time For me ♪

♪ I got a Christmas time For a tree ♪

No. She's ruining it.

♪ Christmas time Me so Christmas, me so merry ♪

No, stop, stop, stop.

What are you doing? Get off the stage.

I'm singing my heart's song.

Get off the stage and never sing again.

You are the worst.

Hey!

You do not get to call Britta the worst.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Mr. Radison, I think it's fine.

Greendale is an all-inclusive school.

Why don't we let Britta sing her awkward song?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

No, no, no!

This show is supposed to be gleeful and bright and fun, and you can let me do that or there can be another bus crash!

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Well, figuratively. Heh, heh.

I'm not saying "I killed the last Glee Club."

I'm saying you not listening to me is like metaphorically cutting the brake lines on your own--

Look, Kings of Leon.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

What did he say?

Did Mr. Rad kill the last Glee Club?

And to think I trusted him enough to captain a magic carpet in that dream I had last night.

Maybe Jeff's right.

Forcing things to be bright makes darkness underneath darker.

This is all my fault for insisting we do the pageant.

Sorry.

Merry Christmas.

I guess I'll just see you guys after the holidays.

[♪♪♪]

[MICROWAVE BEEPING]

INSPECTOR [ON TV]: Happy Time Day, Reggie.

It is tradition to give one's constable a gift

at the end of each orbital cycle.

REGGIE: Oh, thank you, inspector.

[REGGIE CHUCKLES]

Blimey! A hologram. Mm-hm.

Let's activate it and view the performance.

♪ I tried to find a way around Then get behind your wall ♪

♪ I tried to reach the top ♪

This is terrible.

CHOIR: ♪ The angels did say ♪

♪ Was to certain Poor shepherds ♪

♪ In fields where they lay ♪

♪ In fields where they ♪

♪ Lay keeping their sheep ♪

♪ On a cold winter's night ♪

♪ That was so deep ♪

We decided we wanted to spend the holiday together.

It's been a dark semester.

I basically killed a guy.

And I kind of attacked you guys with a fire ax.

I'm thinking about seeing a new shrink.

What? Don't.

Holy crap.

Look how terrible this Christmas special is.

MAN [ON TV]: Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Time Day!

CHOIR: ♪ Noel, Noel ♪

♪ We'll see you all ♪

♪ After regionals ♪

♪ Dean, dean Dean, dean, dean, dean ♪

♪ Dean, dean, dean Dean, dean, dean ♪

♪ Chang, Chang, Chang, Chang ♪

♪ Pop, Pop, Pop, Pop ♪

♪ My name is Alex My name is Alex ♪

♪ My name is Alex My name is Alex ♪

♪ Pop, pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Dean, dean, dean Dean, dean, dean ♪

♪ Dean, dean, dean, dean ♪

♪ Merry, merry, merry Merry Changmas ♪

♪ Merry, merry, merry Merry Deanmas ♪

CHANG: No, no-- What--? No, no, no. No!

♪ Dean dong ♪

[CHANG SCREAMING]

♪ Dean dong ♪

CHANG: No!