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Origins of Vampire Mythology

BOTH: ♪ Best friends, best friends Making a cake ♪

Wait. Ah.

BOTH: ♪ Best friends, best friends Making a cake ♪

Pyoo!

I never thought I'd miss it.

How come I'm not best friends with anyone in the group?

BOTH: Aw!

Don't patronize me.

BOTH: Oh.

♪ She'll be coming around the mountain

♪ When she comes, whoo-whoo ♪

Just letting the students know that if you're on campus this weekend, you'll have to park on the street because of the carnival.

On an unrelated note, I'm into trains now.

A real carnival?

Is the company called Red Beard's Amusements?

Name rings a bell.

But with me, that could mean anything.

I wonder.

I have an ex-boyfriend that travels with a carnival.

(CACKLING)

(CHUCKLING)

ANNIE: I'm sorry, Britta.

Some things are funny because they make no sense.

And that is not one of them.

Well, it looks like my news has incited some doings.

And if that's not my job, what is?

Choo choo!

Well, you're also supposed to...

Eh. Administrate the school.

So, Britta, tell us about your carnival worker boyfriend.

Why, so you all can get a big laugh?

Yeah. I'd love to have a laugh.

(GIGGLING) The exact reason.

Fine. I'm not ashamed of my past.

And if it entertains you guys, that's great because we're friends.

His name is Blade and...

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

What? Oh, no, Britta!

She invoked friendship to undercut the laugh, and we're still laughing. That's how funny it is!

His name is Blade. Is that legal?

Shouldn't New Line Cinema be suing him?

He was called that before that stupid movie.

He was called that before the fantastic movie.

And it was a Marvel Comic in 1973.

Well, nerd alert.

Well, ex-boyfriend named Blade alert.

(CHUCKLING)

Her love life makes Pierce seem with it.

Her pain unifies us.

She has the King Arthur of bad taste in men.

BRITTA: I'm glad you guys are reacting this way.

I need to be reminded that he is the worst on Earth.

Because if he comes through town and calls me,

I will be there in five minutes.

I don't understand. Uh, Andre much?

Okay, I understand. I don't.

You will. What's that mean?

He's hung. Oh, God!

Pierce, you're disgusting.

Just like that I'm disgusting again.

(SCOFFS) I was one of the gang. It was in my hand.

Sometimes, a woman meets a man that she just can't shake from her system no matter much she knows better.

I lucked out with Andre, but God help me.

As you all know, there's not a lot he couldn't get away with.

So what, Britta? You're in love with a guy who's named after a kickboxing vampire movie?

A fantastic kickboxing vampire movie.

No, I don't believe in love because of this guy...

(CHOKING UP) named after a kickboxing vampire movie.

Oh, Britta!

SHIRLEY: Oh, sweetie.

You wanna watch Blade tonight? Yes.

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream

♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam

♪ Somebody said it can be here

♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay

♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪

Ugh, I love that I have a locker now.

All that wasted time going to my car for mid-afternoon wardrobe adjustments.

What do you think, hmm? Stick with what's working?

You're gonna change your shirt?

Not if it's working.

It's not working. Yeah.

You're right. I knew it.

I'll have what she's having. Hey, grow up, lady!

Annie! His shirt wasn't working!

I need your help. It is Blade's carnival that's coming.

He's working the BB gun duck-shooting gallery.

I guess he finally got the promotion.

And he will call me.

And left unattended,

I will end up doing him like a crossword, and I will regret it.

So I need you to take my phone, and don't give it back until Monday!

Of course. Okay.

For real? Pipe it!

And I need to stay with you this weekend.

Not just stay with you, I need to be on lockdown.

You were a pillhead, so think of Blade as Adderall.

And handcuff me to the radiator like a mother-flipping carny-banging werewolf.

I got this. I got this.

Our apartment has central heating, but I get the idea... Stay strong.

Man, I wonder how many women I've affected this way.

(LAUGHS)

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

(EXAGGERATED LAUGHTER)

Whoo whoo!

All aboard the human being railway!

Next stop, spo...

I'll get to the point.

I'd like your student Troy Barnes enrolled in the air conditioning repair program immediately.

Oh, a wonderful opportunity for a young man of...

Urban race.

Yet try as I might, I'm unable to make him see it that way.

I need you to change his mind.

But if he's not interested, what can I do?

Dean, have we forgotten that your school is under the AC Repair School's thumb?

Uh, we have not.

Then mine is not to tell you how to do what I want done.

Mine is to want and to say my want.

Yours is to know and to do.

I know exactly what to do.

Natalie, could you get me a, um, book on how to do things?

You know what, just make me a scotch and soda.

Make it yourself! I don't know how.

(SCREAMING ON TV)

I love Blade's special blade weapons.

Yeah, see that sword? It has two blades.

One blade is silver, the other blade is infused with garlic.

I should check my messages. ANNIE: No.

Guys, could we maybe watch a different movie or just stop saying that word six times per minute?

What word? Blade.

Oh, because of Britta's ex-boyfriend.

Can you check my messages for me and tell me if he called?

I don't think that's a good idea.

What if my mother died?

You guys are really talking over Blade.

(TURNS OFF TV)

Not cool! Annie, subdue your guest.

Annie, think for one second.

You have my phone, and you're not even checking it.

What if my mother is dying?

This is junkie talk.

You just wanna know where your phone's hidden.

I just wanna know if my mother is dying.

It's a simple yes or no. I'll cover my eyes.

You go check my phone and say,

"No, your mother isn't dying" or "Yes, your mother is dying," and then we go back to watching the film.

(SIGHS)

Give it to me!

That's right, Britta. It's a banana.

Why is there a banana in your DVD cabinet?

Read the banana, Britta.

"You are a lying junkie."

I'm sure those words hurt.

But you wouldn't be reading them if they weren't true.

I am so weak.

But we are not defined by our limitations.

We are defined by our potentials.

I have the potential to watch Blade.

You two are bad friends! Bad.

That's unfair. What about you guys?

Okay, you don't like our movie, we can't say the word "Blade," there's phones in the refrigerator.

Oops.

Troy, Abed! Let me see if he called!

I have a right to know! You're monsters!

You're Hitlers! You're racist pedophiles!

You're the opposites of batman!

You don't know what that means.

Gonna rip out your throats and eat your...

Still think the lock was overkill?

(BANGING) No.

(IMITATING TROY) There's phones in the refrigerator.

(LOUD BANGING) It's you.

(KNOCKING AT FRONT DOOR)

♪ Boys' night! ♪

I need help reacting to something.

Hi!

Remember it's just a quick peek at Blade.

You tell anyone we did this,

I will stop letting you do things with me

I'm afraid to tell anyone about.

Hey, I get it. You wanna take a look at Britta's ex-boyfriend.

If you did it by yourself, you'd be weird.

You're the only one that really understands me.

Oh, funky.

Ha!

What, are you guys on a date?

Pretty awkward. Look what Pierce won me.

What is this?

I decided to go outside the group for a best friend.

And you couldn't do better than Chang?

You take that back! He could do plenty better than me.

I was the first to say yes.

Well, have fun forcing life.

BOTH: We will.

What do you wanna do next?

Cotton candy? Russian roulette?

What did you say? Cotton candy sounds great.

Oh, thank you.

That's it? Huh.

Hmm. He's not as good-looking as you.

I wasn't fishing for that. No, no, no.

I offered it freely. Come on, I wanna go on a ride.

This is a window for me.

I spent my carnival years pregnant.

Shirley, I'm not jealous. I just wanted to see what the deal was.

Obviously the deal is he's a dirtball,

Britta hates herself, voila.

What do you wanna do?

I'd like to go on a ride.

Let's go shoot some ducks.

Jeffrey!

Eight of clubs. I win.

Nice! (GIGGLING)

How are you feeling?

Good.

Great, actually. Thank you, Annie.

I could've never done this without you.

I'm glad to be able to help you.

I want you to know... And I've never said these words...

But I've always felt them.

You're a sister to me.

(GASPS)

Britta!

Whoo!

Hey, little sis, do you think you could trust me to have my phone back now?

I've got my email on there, my calendar, homework assignments.

I'm kinda screwed without it.

You're not just manipulating me, right?

Oh, because of... Oh, jeez.

Yeah, whatever. That's over, Annie.

Seriously.

Okay, I have it right here.

It's a gateway to further trust.

Perfect. Thank you.

Love the gateway. Honoring the gateway.

I have to call my doctor for some results.

Don't worry, I'm fine. It's just a little personal.

You need privacy, sure thing. I'll check on you later.

Bye. Thank you, sweetie.

(SCREAMING ON TV)

Boy, this guy doesn't give vampires a square inch of leeway.

He's harsh.

What's wrong, Annie?

You came out of the bedroom smiling, and then your smile faded as you leaned against the door.

I gave Britta her phone.

You did? Why?

She needs to feel trust to recover, or she'll relapse.

She's gonna relapse because you gave her her phone.

No, I secretly switched Blade's number in her phone to my number.

So if she tries to get in touch with him, it'll come to me. That's diabolical.

Yeah, you're just like Blade, man.

Straight up.

I just hope she can find the strength to...

(PHONE BUZZING)

She's probably just telling him she's dying to feel the warmth of his...

Are you kidding me?

She said we were sisters.

I am so sad right now.

(PHONE BUZZING)

And she is so codependent!

And such a bad speller.

(PHONE BUZZING)

Nice shootin'. Tough luck.

Thanks. I'll go another round.

There's room in our bed for three bears, right, honey?

And then some, sugar.

You're very nice for a man named...

What'd you say it was? Blade?

Yup.

But that's a carnival name though, right?

A nom de corn dog?

Why would I have a carnival name?

Your parents named you Blade?

Apparently.

Well, you seem okay with it.

Not much to do about it.

BOTH: You could change it.

To what? Templeton Ferrari III?

Won't change how mustard tastes.

I'll be right back.

Huh. Won't change how mustard tastes.

I get it. I see the appeal.

He's relaxed, he's cool.

Not as cool as you.

Mr. Blade. I want three more rounds.

Jeffrey!

Not gonna change the way mustard tastes.

Oh, and you're so cool, Shirley.

Sometimes I am.

(PIERCE AND CHANG CHUCKLING)

How many times are they gonna do that?

Aw, this is it, isn't it?

We're becoming best friends.

I think so. I think so.

♪ Would you let me be your best friend

♪ I would call you every day ♪

(SCREAMING ON TV)

Oh, my God! One after the other!

"I'm texting to tell you I'm not texting you anymore.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

"Are you mad at me now?

"Fine. I guess you don't wanna know our two-year-old."

Can we please just put it under a stack of mattresses or something?

I don't know. When is she gonna take a hint?

Britta's attracted to unavailable men.

Dean, why are you here?

Ouch.

Fine. Let's make him available.

What are you doing? Ending this.

"Leave me alone."

ALL: No!

That's so much worse.

See? She stopped.

(PHONE BUZZING)

She's calling him?

She was born in the '80s.

She still uses her phone as a phone.

Uh-oh. That's fine, it's fine.

We just won't answer it. Won't it go to your voicemail?

Hello? Blade?

(THROATY MASCULINE CHUCKLE)

There you go.

I don't know!

Change your settings so it doesn't go to voicemail.

Too late.

You guys act like a carnival. Be a carnival.

(BEEP) Now!

Step right up! Ding, ding, ding!

(OLD-TIMEY VOICE) Get your popcorn here.

Hello? (DEEP VOICE) Busy, babe.

Blade, just wait. Wait, Bla...

(BEEP)

I told you not to call me at work!

(PHONE BUZZING)

"I'm sorry, I forgot. Don't be mad at me."

She's whipped by an imaginary douche.

Hey, don't knock it till you try it.

I got my fake bachelor's degree, and then I cheated on the LSAT.

You're probably wondering, how do you cheat on the LSAT?

How?

A magician never reveals his secrets, my friend.

Ah.

(SHOOTING) (DUCKS QUACKING)

Yeah! In your face!

Good job.

Uh, give me the big one! Yeah, that's the one.

Yeah.

Not too shabby, huh?

Yeah, you really did it, baby.

So you dropped out of high school and joined the carnival.

And 15 years later, here you are.

Jeffrey! Guess that's about it.

So what's the record?

What's the best anyone's ever done in this booth?

I guess eight ducks.

All right, one more round. One more round.

Jeff? Honey?

Will you excuse us just for a moment, please?

Certainly. Can you get over here?

What is your end game here? I don't know.

I wanna know. Wanna know what?

I wanna know what drove Britta crazy about him.

Are you jealous? Are you in love with Britta?

No, I am not in love with Britta.

And yes, I'm insanely jealous of him. What's his secret?

Why do you wanna know the secret to making a woman psycho?

Why do we wanna know how to blow up the Earth or grow a human ear on a mouse?

In case we have to, Shirley.

In case we have to.

I'm going to find Pierce.

Good!

One of those bears is mine!

So this is best friendship.

Something else, isn't it?

How do we keep it going?

How do we know we won't get into a fight?

I say we just let it happen.

Don't tell me what to do!

What's your problem? What's yours?

I'm outta here!

♪ This is the last time

♪ This is the last time I'll see you smile

♪ Good-bye

♪ My friend

♪ I'll miss you every night

♪ Good-bye ♪

Blade, 'sup? Message.

Okay. We can stop worrying about voicemail now.

Back to the matter at hand.

Now what are you doing?

Dean, why are you here? Yikes.

I figured it out. I know exactly what to do.

I'm just gonna be really, really, really mean to her.

Uh.

What don't you get about the concept?

Britta likes guys who are mean to her.

She doesn't like herself.

Give me the phone.

(PHONE BEEPS)

What did you say? Something nice.

Don't worry about it.

I'm deleting it from your phone.

Hi. What's up?

You guys still watching movies?

Hi, Dean. Why are you here?

Hi, Britta. And ouch.

And you don't know anything about carpentry.

Nope. Or aquariums...

Freshwater or saltwater.

Do you have a big weiner? Nope.

I don't get it, Blade!

What's your secret? Why do I wanna impress you?

Are you dumb or smart? Are you a loser or winner?

Or are you just a human mirror?

Do we all see what we wanna see in you?

A magician never reveals, right?

Right.

Later.

Okay.

You dropped over 300 bucks on my booth, so I'll tell ya.

You wanna know my secret?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

(SCREAMING ON TV)

BRITTA AND TROY: What are you doing?

I wanna know.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I was texting with Blade, but it's over now.

He's a loser.

Good night.

Uh, uh, uh... Troy!

You should really join the air conditioning repair program.

No. Well, that didn't work.

That's what I get for improvising. Good night.

So I don't get it. He's a vampire, but he can walk around during the day?

What is wrong with you? Huh?

You weren't texting Blade, you were texting us.

I switched Blade's number in your phone to mine.

You tricked me? You tricked me!

You ask for my help, you tell me I'm your sister,

I do everything I can to make you hate this turd, and the first nice thing he says, and you're over him?

Who hurt you?

And why didn't it stick?

I was texting with you guys this whole time?

So Blade isn't a loser! (GASPS)

Uh-oh. No, let her go.

Lost cause, man.

Jeff! What are you doing here?

I just got back from the carnival, where I met Blade.

Is he okay? How is he?

He's brain damaged.

Well, let's not be petty. No, I'm serious.

He showed me the scar.

Ten years ago, before he even met you, a loose bolt flew off a Ferris wheel and imbedded in his skull, destroying the part of his brain that feels shame.

He's basically irresistible to people for the same reason he can pretty much only work at a carnival.

He has nothing to prove or disprove about himself or to himself.

He has no shame.

Why wouldn't he have told me that?

Because he didn't care if you knew.

That is so like him.

I have to go to him. No, woman.

None of us have to "go to" anyone.

And the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath mint commercials and Sandra Bullock.

We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves.

Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.

(SCREAMING ON TV) (DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Annie, I want you to take my phone.

Do not let me call Chang.

I'm locking myself in your room.

What are you guys doing out here?

Self-actualizing.

Well, it's loud.

Come watch Blade.

Okay.

This movie is fantastic.

Ah.

Y'all ever notice that cold spot in the hallway?

TROY: Oh, yeah! That thing is freezing!

You know what could learn a lesson from that cold spot?

The air conditioning unit in my living room.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Ladies and gentlemen, so yesterday, typical Sunday.

I was hanging out in my Dreamatorium.

Whoo!

This ever happen to you guys?

I couldn't remember where I imagined the door.

(TROY CHUCKLING) Then I realized

I was in an actual bathroom.

Uh, no offense, but this material seems pretty specific to your apartment.

I don't think it'll work at an open mic.

Y'all ever notice the difference

between me and Troy brushing our teeth?

I brush my teeth like this.

Troy brushes his teeth like this.

(CHUCKLING) I do!

I do! I brush my teeth just like that.

Now you know what I'm gonna talk about next.

ABED: Toaster oven! Toaster oven!

It's from his album.