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Basic Lupine Urology

NARRATOR: Greendale Community College

is represented by two separate,

yet equally important types of people:

The goofballs that run around stirring up trouble,

and the eggheads that make a big deal out of it.

These are their stories.

You'll be better off without her.

She was perfect. Warm, smart, beautiful.

I'm never gonna find another dental hygienist like that.

Well, you should stop hitting on her.

Hey, she's the one putting her hands in my mouth.

Hey!

Over here.

Move along, nothing to see here.

That's the first time those words have actually been true.

Ms. Edison, when you called me down here at midnight,

I expected more than a yam.

Specifically since you said, "There's been a murder."

Our yam was murdered.

If it's any consolation, she got me here on a very misleading text message.

Jeff, technically, you are about to be screwed in the biology room because our final project has been destroyed.

All right, look, I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you guys put the work in, so you'll get a passing grade.

A passing grade?

Like a C?

Why don't I just get pregnant at a bus station?

That was going to be an A+ yam.

I can't give an A+ to everyone whose yam falls off a counter.

Somebody did this to us.

In science, we call that a hypothesis.

You find something to back it up and we can talk.

Now if you'll excuse me, I was watching Mama's Family.

What happened? Our yam was killed.

But Professor Kane says we can still get an A If we figure out who did it.

He did not say that. He basically did.

You let me handle the nitty-gritty.

In the meantime, I need somebody to drum up suspects.

I can help you with that. I watch crime shows when I'm bored.

You boys, canvas for witnesses, establish a time frame and motive and bring me a suspect.

You've got 48 hours before the trail runs cold, so start with the last person to see that yam alive.

Yes, ma'am. Understood.

It's been a long 15 years.

TROY: Looks like it's gonna be a late night.

How'd we manage to pull the short straw?

It's not a short straw.

It's a hot potato.

Yeah, well, looks pretty cold to me.

Cold? Or dead?

Survey says...

We can't both do the zinger.

Sorry.

(PARODY OF LAW & ORDER THEME MUSIC)

(ALL CLAMORING)

Okay, okay, 5-to-1 on the black guy.

That's offensive. Fine, 6-to-1.

Hello, boys.

Youth! Scatter!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, Pierce.

Mind if we ask you a couple of questions?

Sure, I always say you guys should ask me more questions.

Did you water our biology yam last night?

Of course I watered it. It was my turn, wasn't it?

I hold up my end.

Did you hold it or drop it?

Okay, whoa, I had nothing to do with that.

I...I couldn't even get in the room.

Make up your mind, Pierce. Did you water the yam or weren't you there?

Okay, I lied about watering it.

I got there too late, the doors were already locked.

Why were you late?

I...fell asleep in a sunbeam.

Likely story. Actually it is.

I used to live with him, it's kind of adorable.

Look, why are you looking at me for this?

It was my yam too.

You should be talking to somebody who would wanna hurt us.

And who's that? Duh-doy!

Todd.

Last night, I was home by 9:15, helped Elly with her geography and then went straight to bed.

Sounds like you keep a pretty tight schedule.

A valuable side effect of military service.

In Iraq, keeping a tight schedule saved lives.

ABED: Ah, what happened, Todd?

Cut yourself on an extra sharp Oscar Wilde play?

Oh, this? It's a burn.

Home Ec class. Muffin.

What kind of muffin?

Blueberry. Why not raisin?

That wasn't the assignment.

You can dance all day, Todd, but sooner or later, the music's gonna change.

Look, even if I wanted to hurt your yam, I couldn't.

I went by the bio room at 8:10 to chart my yam's growth, the door was already locked.

There's a lot of that going around.

Oh, yeah. It's true.

I had to take a picture of my yam through the door.

See?

Your yam was fine when I left.

I transferred or "downloaded" Todd's photograph to this computer and as you'll see, with a few adjustments,

I can make the entire image...

Old West color.

I don't know. I thought it was cool.

Britta, zoom in there.

There's a clock on the wall.

Eight plus two times five...

Ten after 8:00.

I'm gifted in other ways.

TROY: That jibes with everyone else we talked to.

It seems like the classroom door gets locked at 8:00.

Which means whoever did the crime...

Got in there before the doors were locked and stayed there for hours.

I was gonna say, "had a key".

Last year, I came in after hours a couple of times to finish a pinata for Advanced Spanish.

I had to borrow a key from the front office.

And sign a log.

I can also help.

As a psych major, I could...

Any student can check out a key as long as they're currently taking classes and show school ID.

The guy we're looking for had a key to the bio room Monday night.

Monday night? Rings a bell.

I'll check the log.

Sorry, this place is a mess.

Is this about your yam? I heard about that.

It's a damn shame. Mine just bloomed yesterday.

Congratulations.

(SIGHS) Ooh, there she is.

Monday night, one biology room key checked out by...

(SCATTING)

Magnitude.

So you're saying you did check out a key, but it was inside your backpack when someone stole it off a table in the library while you were using the bathroom and you haven't seen it since.

Pop-pop!

Perfect, so now we gotta solve a robbery too.

Well, whoever did it likes to steal backpacks off tables in the library.

Only one way to catch a dirtbag like that.

Well, time to visit the restroom.

(GRUNTS)

(WHISTLES)

I found that backpack.

Hey, idiot, guess what.

We don't care about the backpack.

Dead yam, big deal.

Order some ketchup.

That doesn't make sense. You don't order ketchup.

It's a condiment!

ABED: Troy, Troy, hey, walk it off!

Troy, walk it off!

Sorry, my friend, he's a bad cop.

Yeah. I'm a good cop.

Oh, good. You can trust me.

Okay, well... Hey!

I'm not falling for that.

And you got nothing on me.

And I don't have to stay here, 'cause you're not cops.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

He's right. You're not cops.

I'd say our hands are tied, but we basically have no hands.

But he's our man though, right?

Well, he ain't innocent.

Look, I'll try to keep him busy.

You guys go to the lab, see if they figured out how our yam met its masher.

I can, both, see and hear you.

The yam's vascular cylinder is completely disintegrated.

Any possibility it happened naturally?

Sure, if the gardener's Joseph Mengele.

Look at the root system.

This level of smushing is consistent with someone stepping on the yam after it was dropped.

So whoever did this was angry.

Hey, I just cut 'em open. You want motive, talk to a shrink.

What I can tell you is that for a raw yam to get it this bad, you need more than gravity.

You need a boot.

(GAGS)

We have to tell Professor Kane.

There's nothing here to connect to Star-Burns. He'd have to confess.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Maybe if we ask him nice, he'll write us a love letter too.

Well, whoever did do this does owe you guys a letter.

An A.

This yam was about to bloom.

Damn.

We named the yam "Pam."

It rhymed.

Even if we could prove that Star-Burns stole Magnitude's key, it's not enough.

But we know Star-Burns did it.

Keep the change, Garrett.

You know what? Keep the hot dog.

You're telling me after all this, our suspect's gonna slip away on the technicality that we're not police?

Okay, look, you don't need authority to get a confession.

You need leverage. Something to hold over his head.

Like what? He's Star-Burns.

Break into his locker.

You'll find enough dirt to bury him.

Jeff, that's not ethical.

Oh, so now you're finding your softness?

I say do what you have to do.

It's too late to get compassionate.

We only have time to get justice.

I really shouldn't be doing this.

And you're sure you heard a kitten meowing in here?

Not anymore, so hurry up.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Whoa, Nelly!

Clean up on aisle Busted.

BOTH: Why do they always... Why do they always...

You go ahead. Why do they always run?

There you go.

Move! Not police business!

Hey, knock much?

Kiss me! What?

I'll explain later. No.

I'll explain later.

The explanation isn't the issue.

(EXCLAIMS IN EXASPERATION)

Oh, all right, all right.

Look, I...I swiped some beakers for the meth lab that I'm building in the trunk of my car.

But that's it. I didn't kill any yam.

Tell it to the biology professor.

Oh, now wait! I know who did it.

I left the door open and someone came in.

He dropped your yam.

Will you tell our teacher who it was?

If you promise I won't get in trouble for stealing that meth lab stuff.

Sure, whatever. Fine.

Pinky swear?

It was the guy with the weird head.

The army guy.

I heard the jar break and then I saw him running out of the room holding his hand.

Looked like he cut himself.

Well, well, well. Look at this, Abed.

He weaves baskets and lies.

What's this about?

It's about the killing of our biology yam.

Will you please come with us?

But I'm in the middle of making a handle.

He wants it the hard way. Tell him what Shirley said.

Todd Jacobson, you have the right to do whatever you want.

Nothing you say or do can be used against you by anyone, but we'd really like it if you came with us. Please and thank you.

(HEAVY THUDS)

Make it quick, folks. I have a class in five minutes and none of you guys are in it.

After conducting a full investigation, my study group now has definitive proof that Todd, with malice of forethought, smashed our yam.

That's a serious allegation. I hope you can back it up.

We can place him in the building Monday night.

He has a mysterious bandage on his hand, and we have and eyewitness who saw Todd drop the jar and flee.

Well, Todd, what do you have to say?

I just wanna...

Don't answer that, soldier!

This man is an American hero.

And who are you?

I'm Lieutenant Colonel Archwood, United States Army.

I had the pleasure of commanding this young man in Iraq.

I'm staying on his couch this weekend while I'm in town for a wedding.

I am a licensed attorney, a veteran of two wars, and I'd like to know why in hell he's being harassed.

Mr. Winger, what is the intention here?

Simple. When Todd smashed our yam, he stole an A from us.

We want it back.

You mean if he smashed the yam.

All you have is the word of this Mr. Star-Burns, who offers up no explanation as to why he was at the scene.

How about it, Jeffrey?

What was Star-Burns doing there?

We agreed to withhold that information as part of a pinky swear with the witness.

(SIGHING) A pinky swear?

This is ludicrous. This whole school is ludicrous.

Who honors the pinky swear of a degenerate over the word of a decorated soldier?

I'm inclined to agree with the man in uniform.

Shocker. Jeffrey.

Tell us what Star-Burns was doing in that classroom, or your group can take an F.

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

I grade my students.

Now, what Star-Face was doing there is irrelevant.

What matters is what he saw.

I'm upholding the pinky swear.

What?

Yo, man, you spent your life in the army.

I spent mine in prison.

Two places where a man's word is only as good as his uniform.

Now out here, it's supposed to be different.

And in my class, it will be.

You two can plead your case to the class and let them decide your grades.

Professor...

Thank you.

It's not a favor, Mr. Winger.

A man's gotta have a code.

Awesome.

See you in class.

(EXHALES)

Uniform. Oh!

Jeez.

Yeah.

Shirley did some more digging.

Turns out Todd's yam never even sprouted.

Goes to motive.

And Star-Burns puts Todd in the classroom at 8:10.

Opportunity.

Add to that a cut on the hand and the Winger charm, we might get an A++.

We still have a lot of work to do.

Oh, I think you've done enough.

Colonel Archwood got to Star-Burns.

Threatened to involve the real cops.

Now Star-Burns is in the wind.

He's our only witness.

ABED: That what you guys do in here?

You push your little papers and you make your little speeches, and in the end another dirtbag walks?

Huh? Huh?

Abed! Abed!

Abed! Walk it off! (SCREAMS)

Walk it off!

I'm sorry about my partner.

He...he's been on edge ever since we switched.

(SNAPS FINGERS) You.

Annie, that class already hates us.

If we go in there without a case, they'll fail us.

We have proof our yam was murdered and now you find your softness?

It's eat or be eaten when that's convenient, but when the going gets tough, Winger gets nervous, huh?

We have no case, Annie.

It's too late to get one, Jeff.

We only have time to get justice.

ARCHWOOD: Tell us what happened next, Todd.

I disarmed the IED and returned the child to his mother.

She offered to give me her only possession, a wooden chair, but I refused.

I was only doing my duty and we had plenty of chairs at the base.

ARCHWOOD: And for your valor, you were awarded a Bronze Star.

In fact, you have an absolutely glowing service record.

Don't you, Private?

I do my best.

You do more than that, soldier.

Certainly more than this witness who supposedly saw you kill the yam.

A man who, for all we know, is a holocaust-denying, 9/11 pedophile. (ALL GASP)

Objection. Withdrawn.

One last question.

Did you intentionally break into the biology room with the express purpose of killing the study group's yam?

No, sir, I did not.

Thank you, soldier.

And god bless your testimony.

Your witness.

Tell me, Todd, do you consider yourself a hero?

Oh, no. Of course not.

A hero doesn't call himself a hero.

A hero gets called a hero because of what he does.

And with your impressive record, not even I could deny you the title.

Objection, she's clearly ramping up to something.

Objection, that's not a real objection.

Objection, I hate the both of you.

You may proceed, Ms. Edison, but do so with caution.

Need I remind you this is not a courtroom?

I spent the majority of last night going over your records with Mr. Winger, scouring them for the slightest mistake, the tiniest slip up.

And I gotta tell you, Todd. Couldn't find a thing.

Not one little smudge.

Except, of course, for one pesky yam that just wouldn't grow.

That had to weigh on your soul, didn't it, Todd?

Maybe a little. A little?

A big orange splotch on your perfect record?

I bet that pissed you right off, didn't it?

Is that why you hit your wife?

Withdrawn.

Is that why you drink and pop pills? Withdrawn.

Are you a virgin? Withdrawn.

Did you... kill our yam to settle the score, huh?

Did stomping on its roots make you feel like a big man?

No, it didn't. I mean, I didn't...

Todd, zip it.

No, you zip it, Uncle Knobby.

I'm not fighting your wars anymore.

(ALL MURMURING) ANNIE: Listen to me, Todd.

I know how scary a failing grade can be, but this one dead yam won't tarnish your record.

What will tarnish it is lying to your class, to your teacher, and to me.

The American citizen you've sworn to protect.

Come on, Todd.

Stop disappointing me.

Defuse the IED of dishonesty.

It was an accident.

(ALL GASP)

I just wanted to look at your yam, but when I picked up the jar, it burnt me and I dropped it.

Booyah!

(LAUGHS) That's how it's done!

(SCATTING)

Todd... ANNIE: Woo-hoo!

I'm telling your mother.

That's right. Always have an exit strategy.

(TODD CRIES)

(KANE BANGS TAPE DISPENSER)

I think I've heard enough.

Professor Kane, may we have a sidebar in your office?

(SIGHS)

I want a mistrial.

Just give us a C, give Todd a C.

Excuse me? What?

Can we take a sidebar in this sidebar?

Jeff, we're about to get our A.

Todd didn't do it.

Um, he just confessed, dummy.

He said the jar burned him?

It doesn't make any sense. People don't half-confess to crimes.

Look, when we started this, you were after the truth.

And then I convinced you it was more important to win.

Don't be like me.

A man's got to have a code.

I can only assume there is a female equivalent to that.

A codette or something. But...

It's not worth getting an A if an innocent man might get an F.

Okay, I heard all of that and I accept.

(KANE BANGS TAPE DISPENSER)

All right.

After speaking to the wronged parties, I've decided to...

Uh, if it pleases the bio class,

I have closing arguments.

Of course you do.

Why was it so hard for all of us to grow a yam?

It's just a stupid yam in a stupid jar.

We're all fully-grown adults failing a kindergarten project.

Can I object? I'll allow it.

Sustained.

And all this time we assumed our yam was targeted, that someone had stomped its roots maliciously.

But what if...

What if our yam's roots were dead before they hit the ground?

(SPLAT)

Hey, that's mine! JEFF: Look at it.

Everyone look.

Smushed without being stepped on.

(SPLAT)

Because it didn't have to be stepped on.

Because it was boiled.

(SPLAT)

Someone has been pouring boiling water into our jars at night.

No one noticed because the water cooled off by morning.

Boiling water is the icicle stabbing of yam-killing.

(ALL GASP)

Ooh, but that didn't...

Hmm.

This yam isn't boiled.

Vicki?

I don't... I didn't do it, I swear!

I boiled the yams. (ALL GASP)

Vicki's yam never sprouted and I didn't want her to fail, so I threw off the grading curve so she wouldn't have to go to summer school and we can finally have sex in my parents' cabin.

God forgive me, I did it for love!

(CRIES) KANE: Holy crap.

We are definitely dissecting pine cones next year.

Neil has agreed to retake biology over the summer and his status as keymaster has been revoked.

After all the politics and procedure, in the end, the case really was about biology.

Told you it was an important subject.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

I understand.

Star-Burns got rear-ended and the meth lab in his trunk exploded.

He's dead.

Abed? Yeah?

Why don't we have bunk bed conversations?

I don't know.

We're best friends, we share a bunk bed.

Seems like we should be having them all the time.

You start.

Okay. Why do you think they call them "bunk beds"?

Where's the word "bunk" come from?

I don't know. I think it comes from the word "bunker."

So when is your apartment done being fumigated?

Oh, it was done about a week ago.

Then why are you still here?

I brought you some warm milk.

Oh.

There you go.

♪ Troy and Abed off to Dreamland

♪ Catching the train to Sleepytown

♪ And when they wake up

♪ The Dean'll be here

♪ Staring at you ♪

Sweet deans. (GIGGLES)

That's nice...

I guess.