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Introduction to Finality

So cellular mitosis is what?

I miss Troy.

Wrong, and stop guessing that.

Annie. I'm worried about Abed.

He hasn't left the apartment since Troy moved out.

He won't even play in the Dreamatorium.

Sorry, not "play."

"Render imaginated dreamscapes."

Guys, we just finished retaking biology all summer, and if I don't pass this final, it was for nothing.

Can we stay on target?

Did someone say "sexy construction worker"?

ALL: Ooh! Stay... Stay on target.

I'm dressed like this because I'm building to big news.

Subway has officially ended its agreement with Greendale, and the restaurant I've chosen to occupy the cafeteria kiosk is...

Shirley's Sandwiches! (ALL CHEERING)

I just need one of you to sign this as the official owner of the business.

Ooh, we should both sign it, we're 50-50 partners.

But there's only one dotted line on the form, so...

Oh, well, Pierce can... Me.

Hey! I paid for it.

Well, there'd be no "it" to pay for if I hadn't done all the work.

My goodness, this molehill is becoming a mountain.

You guys work it out, while I put together an alpine costume.

I knew eventually you'd try to box me out of my own business, just like Hawthorne Wipes did.

I'm not letting you guilt me into letting you call yourself the owner of my company.

Jeff! Hello?

Get involved. No.

I am here to replace my fake bachelor's so I can get back to my life as a lawyer.

Nobody else is sacrificing their interests.

Don't ask me to sacrifice mine.

(MOCKING) Don't ask me to sacrifice mine.

That's you just now.

Okay, so name the stages of mitosis.

(CELL PHONE BUZZES) Ooh, I gotta go.

Unbelievable.

Today is Abed's first therapy session.

His what? He's been feeling extra vulnerable lately having lost Troy to the air conditioning repair school, so he's finally gonna let me practice my psych skills on him.

Give me some credit, Winger.

What's the worst that could happen?

Classic tee-up.

Shut up, Leonard, I know about your crooked wang.

No such thing as bad press.

EVIL ABED: Hey, Abed.

This can't be good.

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream

♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam

♪ Somebody said it can be here

♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay

♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪

There are those who ask, why connect the capillary tube directly to the compressor valve?

Oh, sure, why not just attach it to the moisture accumulator?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, Troy. We boring you?

I miss my friends.

He misses his friends.

ALL: Aw.

Mr. Barnes, gather your things and come with me.

Now!

The Sun Chamber. A shameful relic from a savage chapter of our history.

Repairmen would duel each other inside, losers succumbing to heat exhaustion, or worse.

Troy, there is a prophesy.

I miss Abed so much.

I'm ashamed to confess that I once thought that this might be me.

Now I realize that it's you.

You are the true repairman, Troy.

You fix not only air conditioners, but the men who fix them.

It's a trade school. It's a two-year degree in boxes that make rooms cold.

Sir, there's been a flow duct rupture in quadrant four.

I'll handle it.

This is your destiny, Mr. Barnes.

The true repairman will repair man.

Abed.

I'm not talking to you because I'm not crazy.

Think of it as inner dialogue.

I'm reading the novelization of Chronicles of Riddick.

Can you honestly tell me that's a saner decision?

You're worried you'll go crazy without Troy.

That's why you're gonna let Britta fix you, right?

Because you think you're broken, you're gonna get diagnosed by someone who said her favorite superhero was X Man?

I'm a little scared. Things are bad.

When the world gets bad enough, Abed, the good go crazy. But the smart...

They go bad.

Come on in here, let's talk about it.

I think it's safer if I talk to Britta.

I think it's even safer if I talk to her first.

Hello.

Are you here to help me with biology, or get me to help you?

Bi-ol-o-gy. Are you lying?

Hard to break the word "yes" into lilting syllables, huh?

Ye-es?

Look, Pierce and I are so close to getting the sandwich shop going.

I just need you to help... Look.

You want one piece of free advice?

Let Pierce cool down.

You know how crazy and paranoid he can get.

A-ha! Crazy? Paranoid? Impotent?

Cellular... I knew you'd run to Jeff, and turn him against me. Mitosis.

Guys, why are we yelling?

You sign that paper, I'll sue.

Well, hold on. This will be settled in Greendale Court, 3:00 p.m.

Obviously, Shirley has her counsel, and I get to dress like a judge.

I was born in a courtroom, sued it for my own placenta, and won.

Now I'm calling my lawyer.

My biology final is at 5:00.

I'm available from 3:00 to 4:00.

I'll see you in court. (CHUCKLES)

Hello, Abed? Ready to get therapized?

Abed?

(DOOR CREAKING OPEN)

Hello, Britta.

Come in.

(ALL MURMURING) WOMAN: He's dead?

What's going on?

Vice Dean Laybourne was repairing a flow duct rupture, and he inhaled a lethal dose of Freon.

May his breeze join the wind.

Okay, so mitosis is when cells divide...

I wonder who Pierce is gonna get to represent him.

I promise, whoever Pierce brings won't be prepared for me. That's the Winger guaran...

SHIRLEY: Is that the cold-blooded former colleague that got you fired from your old law firm by ratting on you to the State Bar?

Tee. (GASPS)

So is this a conflict of interest?

You know, Alan working at your former firm and all?

Hey, Pierce just did you the biggest favor of your life.

He hired a guy I've spent the last two years fantasizing about stabbing in the... Sundance!

Tango! Hey.

(ALAN GRUNTING)

So, the case of the Sandwich signature.

What are you doing here?

I mean, me, I have to, but you?

Hawthorne's a cash cow, and old a-con here is tugging at that teat.

(MILKING NOISES) That's money.

(MILKING NOISE) Money.

(MILKING NOISE) Please stop that.

So, full disclosure.

The firm would really like to keep vitamin P in its medicine chest.

Full disclosure. I really want to be done by 4:00.

Oh, that's the Jeff wing basket I remember loving.

Hey, just go easy on Shirley.

Scout's honor, Sinead O'Connor.

Oy-yay, oy-yay, the honorable Craig Pelton presiding.

(LAUGHING) First off, there's one decision

I'll need your help making.

Judging Amy or Judge Judy?

You say your name is Evil Abed, which does not throw me, because I'm a therapist.

So let's talk about evil.

You know what? Maybe I should talk to Good Abed instead.

Where I come from, his name is Lame Abed.

And you come from... The darkest timeline.

You might call it the Britta of timelines, where everything is the worst.

Jeff has one arm there. Annie shot Pierce. Troy can't speak...

Ah! Now we're getting somewhere.

I think Lame Abed sent you to talk because you're more equipped to deal with fear.

That's the lame way of seeing it, yes.

Here's the truth.

I've crossed into your dark timeline, and now I'm going to darken it.

How?

Tell me about your parents, Britta.

Um... No?

Barnes, you should be in the chapel.

We lost a great man today.

Yeah, he was the best, wasn't he?

That's why I don't understand how he could rupture a Freon line.

That's kind of a rookie mistake.

I'm sure it was just a faulty valve.

My first order as Vice Dean,

I'm gonna have them all replaced.

So you're Vice Dean now?

Why the sudden interest in air conditioning repair?

I thought you missed your friends.

I do. Then go be with them.

I'm releasing you.

But you... Good-bye, Troy.

Miss Edison, do you recognize the baby in that picture?

That's Shirley's baby Ben.

Would you think less of Shirley Bennett if she offered to sell Ben on Craigslist for a chance to bump it with Denzel?

That was a joke for my cousin.

Damn those Facebook privacy settings.

Jeff, do something. He's got nothing.

I'm sure she didn't mean that.

Or perhaps she doesn't even love that baby, because she spent most of last year not even knowing who the father is. Objection.

Establishing character, Your Honor.

This woman is clearly unfit to own a sandwich shop.

Alan, come on.

No furths.

I thought you said you were gonna go easy.

Felt easy to me.

What was he wearing?

He was dressed as a dinosaur.

Is that why you dropped out of high school? I don't know.

Are those even real glasses?

No.

Ah, do you feel that, Britta?

Your timeline's 10% darker now.

This was 10%?

Do you know what kind of person becomes a psychologist, Britta?

A person that wishes, deep down, that everyone more special than them was sick, because "healthy" sounds so much more exciting than "boring."

You're average, Britta Perry.

You're every kid on the playground that didn't get picked on.

You're a business casual potted plant, a human white sale.

You're VH1, RoboCop 2, and Back to the Future III.

You're the center slice of a square cheese pizza.

Actually, that sounds delicious.

I'm the center slice of a square cheese pizza.

You're Jim Belushi.

(GASPING)

Ah. 12%.

Where are you going?

To make this timeline the darkest of all.

Starting with your lame hero, Jeff Winger.

I don't suppose Lame Abed owns a bone saw.

(GASPS)

(NECK CRACKS)

(WIND BLOWING)

So, Pierce, you're seeking full ownership of Shirley's Sandwiches.

After all, you did provide 100% of the financing.

Correct.

You really did? Oh, damn it.

Jeez, I came to this thing unprepared.

I mean, I... I guess it's my job to somehow tarnish you in the eyes of the court, but, uh...

Let me check my notes.

Take your time.

JEFF: Thanks.

Hey, uh, while I'm doing this...

Does anybody know any funny jokes?

I do.

An Irish and a Jew walk into a Chinese laundry with a gay duck.

All right, okay! Oh, right!

So you're telling me they're not good at basketball?

I have no questions, Your Honor.

(COURTROOM BOOING)

GIRL: (SOBBING) Mommy!

Cruel. Cruel, cruel, cruel.

In the name of the five winds...

East, west, north, the one we keep secret, and south,

I hereby proclaim you...

This ceremony is a lie.

And having a special room for it is a waste of valuable floor space.

You are no longer a student here.

And we use this room for yoga on weekends.

Remove him. I am the truest repairman.

(ALL GASP) MAN: (SOFTLY) The truest repairman.

And this man is a dishonor to making air conditioners work good.

And I have the right to challenge him...

In the Sun Chamber.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Holy crap.

Your Less Than Honor, can I call a recess?

Ooh, yay, costume change.

Court briefly adjourned.

What are you trying to do, Winger?

Zealously represent your client?

Let me make things a little easier for you.

Figure out a way to throw this case, or figure out where you're gonna work when you get out of here, because I don't know where it's gonna be if it's not for us.

That's right, Jeff. I went there.

You drove me there. Miss Daisy's in the house, thanks for the ride, sorry about slavery.

Don't oversell your clout, Alan.

You're partner because I sold you to Ted.

Ted respects me... Ted's gone.

He got too old, couldn't swim with the sharks, and got eaten.

That makes no sense. He started the firm.

You can't lose your own firm.

You can if you're dead. That shark thing was not a metaphor.

I'm the big dog now.

So, you want the last three years in this toilet to have a point?

Then I'm the guy you got to make happy.

Or, you know, you could finish up your big win here.

Court is in session. Blind justice presiding...

Aah! Oh, my God! ALL: Ooh!

Oh! Oh, one more recess.

I hit the corner right on a fresh tattoo.

Well, boys and girls,

I hope you brought your popsicles,

because it's about to get scalding hot

in the Sun Chamber.

You already know the rules...

Because there aren't any!

Jeez, Dennis, are you on coke?

Take that crap off and sit down.

Sorry about that. Of course there are rules.

Two men are sealed in the chamber,

each with a broken unit.

The heat will increase until one man yields or dies.

Begin! (ALL CHEERING)

You're just in time for Jeff's closing statements.

Who cares? Everything is terrible.

Oh, no. Have you been watching Dance Moms again?

I'm thinking of dyeing my hair.

(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)

Evil Abed, what are you doing?

I'm going to cut off Jeff Winger's arm.

I won't let you. That's horrible.

Don't you mean dark? Welcome to my world.

(HUMMING)

Psst! Jeff! Winger!

Jeffrey, this is a... a terrible situation for me to have put you in.

A guy like Alan isn't above making trouble for you at your old firm. Shirley, I...

It's not worth your career.

I want you to have what you want.

Thank you, Shirley. Settle down.

Okay, Jeffrey, let's have your closing statement.

(REPAIRMEN CHEERING)

(BEEPS)

Your Honor...

I have no closing statement, because I'm throwing the case.

(GASPING) No, no, it's okay.

It's fine, don't worry.

My client, Shirley Bennett, my friend of three years, she told me that it was okay.

She said what I want was more important.

She's right, right?

I mean, guys like me,

we'll tell you there's no right or wrong.

There's no real truth.

I'll kill you. I'll kill you just like I killed him.

(CHEERING STOPS)

JEFF: And as long as we all believe that,

guys like me can never lose.

Was that out loud?

Because the truth is...

I'm lying when I say there is no truth.

The truth is... The pathetically, stupidly, inconveniently obvious truth is...

Helping only ourselves is bad, and helping each other is good.

Now I just wanted to get out of here, pass biology, and be a lawyer again instead of helping Shirley.

That was bad.

And my former colleague wanted so badly to keep his rich client that he just asked me to roll over in exchange for my old job.

(ALL GASP)

So I guess we all walked in here pretty bad.

But now...

Shirley's gone good. Shirley's helping me.

It's that easy.

You just stop thinking about what's good for you,

and start thinking about what's good for someone else.

(REPAIRMEN CHEERING)

And you can change the whole game with one move.

Now if you like this idea, you can make it true by doing something good for everyone here.

Throw this case out of court. It's dumb.

That is all.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

I withdraw my case.

Why didn't you just do some inspirational speech about friendship?

You're fired.

Way to go, soft serve. You're finished.

By the way, never got a chance to tell you this, but it was me who turned you in to the State Bar.

I know.

And I never got a chance to thank you.

This place has made you so gay.

Hey! Don't use "gay" as a derogatory term.

Booyah, good person.

(ALL CHEERING)

Gentlemen, take this man to the infinite labyrinth of eternal ice.

ALL: Yes! No!

No, take him to the police.

He murdered someone. Take him to jail.

You guys are weird.

Jeff, that was great.

You were like a white Blair Underwood.

Shirley, if you're willing, I think we should let

Jeff sign the sandwich shop form.

Yeah, you could represent both of us.

You know, like our attorney.

My God, Pierce! You had your first good idea.

Thank you. Britta, I'm so sorry.

It doesn't matter, Abed.

I should've never played therapist with you.

I'll change my major just one more time.

But you can't. You cured me.

I mean, I'm not cured. I'm willing to admit I definitely need therapy.

You're the only kind of shrink I could ever trust.

The kind with as little control over my mind as me.

Mind if I cut in?

BRITTA: Troy!

You're back.

Yeah, I made a new rule that the air conditioning repair school has to act like a regular school.

I can do that because I'm their messiah.

Cool. I went crazy and I wanted to cut off Jeff's arm.

(LAUGHS) I missed you so much, buddy.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CHUCKLES)

So, Jeff, we still best friends?

All right.

Cellular mitosis. What is it?

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream

♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam

♪ Somebody said it can be here

♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

♪ But I love you more than words can say

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay

♪ One by one they all just fade away

♪ I'm tired of the wait and sees

♪ I'm tired of that part of me

♪ That makes up a perfect lie

♪ To keep us between

♪ But hours turn into days

♪ So watch what you throw away

♪ And be here to recognize

♪ There's another way ♪

Hello, everybody. I'm Leonard.

I'm here today to review Let's Potato Chips.

$1.79 at Kroger's.

Ah.

Get this sucker open...

Ah, there we are.

Now, I've already had some of these,

but let's see.

Mmm! Crispy. Mmm-hmm.

Salty, not too greasy.

(CHUCKLING)

That one's shaped like a duck.

Well, I guess that's definitely a buy.

That's it. (WHIRRING IN BACKGROUND)

Let's Potato Chips are good, and they're a buy.

♪ I'm as high as hell, you're about to get shot ♪