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History 101

BOTH: ♪ Troy and Abed back from summer ♪

(APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER)

Wait a minute. Something's changed.

Oh, there's 12 additional thumb tacks on that board.

They're driving me crazy. (LAUGH TRACK)

No, I meant this. Trying out the hipster look.

It's cool, but also not.

(LAUGH TRACK)

Hey, guys, have a good summer?

Take them off.

(LAUGH TRACK)

Happy first day of school.

Oh. (LAUGH TRACK)

Good morning. I brought brownies.

Oh.

Congratulations, it's me.

Huh, I see we've all reinvented ourselves over the summer.

A little late to the hipster party much?

A little much on the much much?

(LAUGH TRACK)

We should get to class? Where's Pierce? I don't know.

Hey-o!

Sorry, I'm late.

Damn Mexican cleaning woman did a cha-cha on my glasses, so I got to wear this old pair.

(LAUGH TRACK)

BRITTA: Abed. Abed.

Abed. Yup.

Did you go to your happy place? Yeah.

Did you envision a babbling brook like I described?

I started out with a babbling brook, but then I layered in elements from our world.

I'm sure fans of the babbling brook will complain, but I thought that was limiting.

Well, it's best to keep it simple.

It was a babbling brook. Okay.

Here's the deal, Jessica Biel.

The first day of senior year is emotional for everyone, so I hereby therapize you to go to your happy place whenever you feel stressed.

I found my lucky notebook. Found my lucky charm.

Abed, you ready for our last first day of school?

Are you ready, buddy?

I just need a minute.

ABED: ♪ This is my show

♪ It's about me

♪ And all my friends

♪ On Abed TV

♪ My happy place, nothing but fun

♪ Nothing but laughs and smiles

♪ And then we rerun

♪ For those times when life's too hard

♪ To face

♪ I'll find some happy in my happy place ♪

Abed's Happy Community College Show is filmed

before a live audience inside of my head.

I can't believe we're finally getting into this class.

I can't believe there's a class called The History of Ice Cream.

Seniors! (LAUGHS)

There they are.

Seniors!

Oh, speaking of seniors, I've decided I'm going to do senioritis this year.

You know, just hangin' out and blowin' off classes, pullin' pranks, not sayin' my g's.

Ooh, I'll pull some pranks with you.

Okay. Or Jeff or whoever.

You know, whoever's around. Whatever.

So, Abed, after class, we're still doing our first-day-of-school tradition, right? You know it.

We like to make wishes in the fountain.

BOTH: Oh!

Fellas, I hate to tell you, wishes aren't real.

If you want something bad, you have to work for it.

Or use a spell.

All of our wishes come true.

Last year, Troy wished we got bin Laden and the Dorito Taco.

Yeah, but Obama got credit for both.

Could you wish for Jeff to be on time for once?

No. No wasting wishes on impossibilities.

We have to make this year count, especially since it's the last one.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh, no, is all this for The History of Ice Cream?

They overbooked it, so it's first come, first serve now.

Oh, just like real ice cream.

Guys, over here.

SHIRLEY: Oh, Jeffrey!

Jeff, I can't believe that you came early.

Don't you read Garrett's Twitter feed?

He posted a crisis alert about it.

I came early to save seats.

Oh, you know what, girls, I gave you the old flyer.

Instagram for Besties is in room 44.

Showing up early, helping others, sending girls away?

Could this be a whole new Jeff Winger?

Don't ruin it by approving it.

Oh, so that's progressed.

I mean, it's progressed, but it hasn't progressed-progressed.

It's progressive.

Good luck, Troy.

Hey! You can't just walk in here!

I've been pissing in jars for an hour trying to keep this seat.

Oh. Too bad, Leonard.

(OVERLAPPING STATEMENTS) All right, all right.

All right. Simmer dean.

This can't be good. He's dressed as himself.

Greendale's registration system has been hacked.

That's right. Someone hacked into the supply closet and counterfeited these History of Ice Cream admission cards.

(GASPS) Whoever did this is very good.

There is only one fair way to solve this.

So follow me to...

(CONTINUES SAYING "TO")

The Hunger Deans!

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you.

There are 35 tests of strength and agility.

The winner of each one of these contests will be awarded a red rubber ball.

No ball, no ice cream.

And these are impossible to counterfeit because each one has been marked by my distinct bite print.

Oh, Lord, no. Yes.

Guys, we need to take this class.

It's the only history credit this semester.

Whatevs. We'll take it next semes.

Ter. Semester.

But I need it now.

Okay, I took some extra classes online, and I'm one history credit away from graduating.

(GASPS) Jeff, you're graduating early?

Well, graduating after 30 can't be characterized as early.

When were you gonna tell us, Jeff?

I was working on a speech.

And, believe me, it tied in a lot of things.

There was a lot of resolutions and epiphanies.

And it would have gone down a lot better after we had taken the ice cream class together.

So that's why you were holding our seats?

For your own selfish reasons?

No, I want us to take the class together.

I just want it to be the last class we take together.

(GASPS) I probably should have phrased that differently.

Fine. Win your red ball.

What do I care? I've got a senior prank to pull.

Shirley. Mmm-hmm.

So, Abed, ready to make some wishes?

Make chocolate hot dogs a reality?

Actually, why don't you go with Britta?

I think I'll just hang out here and watch.

Really? Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm fine. F-I-N-E or F-Y-N-E?

We made one of 'em a code for "not fine."

BOTH: Oh. F-Y-N-E.

Okay, he's fine. Let's go.

See you around, old Jeff. No.

New Jeff. New Jeff does not just look out for himself.

New Jeff is gonna win seven red balls because he is not gonna take that class unless you guys are with me.

Look, we're gonna have to leave this place sometime.

Like an ice cream cone melting in the sun, our time here can't last forever.

That was part of the speech I was writing!

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Oh, just making plans for the future.

Can't stay at Greendale forever.

Hey, is mine different than yours?

(LAUGH TRACK)

Look out below.

Coming in for a land-dean.

Amelia Earhart?

Close. I am America's sexiest aviator,

Leo DiCaprio.

And, just as his character lost his mind, so have I lost your student records.

What? I can't believe it.

Yeah, Amelia Earhart would have been faster.

As you know, our student records are stored on a Microsoft Paint file, which I was assured was future-proof.

Meanwhile, our extended warranty is not being honored by the restaurant that used to be Circuit City.

(LAUGH TRACK)

But I think the fairest way to handle this is to have everyone repeat the last three years.

You can't be serious.

In-dean, I am.

I'm gonna be here forever.

Forever. Forever. Forever.

I'm gonna stay in here forever.

Gentlemen! And ladies.

My first red ball is way up high.

To touch my ball, first touch the sky.

Go!

Give it up, Leonard.

I'm gonna eat your ice cream, Winger.

Agh! You? You're pre-med!

I want ice cream. Yeah, well, I want to graduate with dignity.

(GASPS)

(GROANS) Not cool!

(SHRIEKS)

Jeff's really going after that ball.

There's got to be a joke in there somewhere.

That's my first ball.

New Jeff!

Give me a minute. Give me a minute.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHS) No.

You know, if we're doing the first three years over again,

I could change majors.

I've always been curious about forensics.

Hey, did you know you could major in antics?

I checked. You need a tomfoolery pre-req, but they waive it for women.

(LAUGH TRACK)

This is lunacy.

We are not gonna start over as freshmen.

Hey, there's a freshman mixer tonight.

Are you guys freshmen?

We can be.

(LAUGH TRACK)

(GIGGLES)

(SQUEALS)

This prank is amazing.

He's gonna come in here later and have the creepy feeling someone was in here.

We should go before we get caught.

Well, aren't we gonna do something now that we're here?

Do something? (APPROVING WHINE)

All right.

A prank on a prank.

Let's move everything on his desk over an inch except his stapler.

Then he'll think we moved his stapler.

Oh, my God, there's so many levels to this.

How about we fill his car with popcorn?

That sounds messy.

That sounds messy!

Okay, keys. Keys.

Okay, I'm the dean.

I come into my office, turn on the light.

"Oh, my, did my stapler grow legs and move?"

Then come over here for coffee.

I would hide my keys in...

Huh.

Oh.

Heels. Oh, you got skills.

(GASPING) Oh.

Look who got his ball.

Not my ball. Your ball.

I just wanted you guys to see it. New Jeff.

Jeffrey, is that blood on your shirt?

Oh, no, it's cool. It's Leonard's.

Oh. Oh.

Two balls!

This is gonna be so good when I finally get it.

It's a little weird doing this without Abed.

Come on. It'll be fun.

I'll put my... My Britta twist on it.

I got skills. I got skills.

Sorry. Let's get this started.

We always do the first one together.

One, two, three.

I wish for a great school year. I wish for 1,000 wishes.

Great school year?

The first wish is always for 1,000 wishes.

But we have all these coins.

Yeah, but the coins aren't the wishes.

Oh, I didn't know that.

I wish for Britta to have 499 of my remaining wishes.

Thank you.

I wish to end all wars.

That's another rule.

No wishes containing the word "all."

Guaranteed ironic consequences.

I don't think anyone's gonna miss wars.

Star Wars, thumb wars, wow, Storage Wars!

Fine.

You can't get in the fountain.

I'm taking that penny back.

I already told you, the pennies aren't wishes.

You can't flip a wish. That's ridiculous.

Your rules are ridiculous.

They're Abed's rules.

And they're awesome, and they always work.

Well, Abed's not here, so...

Unwish!

You can't do that. I just did.

Unwish! No! Rewish.

Un-unwish.

Give me it! Unwish! No!

No! Oh, I'm sorry.

What... You're helping me!

You're helping. I like it.

Unwish! Unwish! Oh, God!

Why does this feel good?

Stupid, selfish Jeff coming here, ruining our senior year.

Ah, great! My g's are back.

Yes, it's crummy that Jeff is leaving early, but we're all graduating eventually.

But why the rush?

What, so Jeff can run off and be a gross lawyer again?

Troy and Abed start drinking coffee?

I become a boring hospital administrator?

Who wants to do that?

You do. Right?

Yay, hospital administration!

Can't wait to be buried alive under a pile of paperwork and bed pans, just trying to summon the courage to ask out Dr. Patel, the gorgeous Indian neurosurgeon who doesn't even know I exist.

This isn't a conversation, is it?

Whoo-hoo! The sad, slow march toward death begins.

(POPPING)

Senioritis!

Ready, set... (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(CROWD SHOUTING)

Third ball.

Fourth ball.

Well, well, well.

Looks like someone wants to be a hero.

A big man. A huge, throbbing, sweaty...

Dean, I just want to get my history credit and get out of here.

And I just need to know how bad you want it.

The next competition will be particularly difficult for some of you because it requires complete emotional commitment.

The tango. (ALL GASPING)

I will be the judge.

There can only be one winner, so choose your partners wisely.

Come on, Winger.

It's water under the bridge, right?

Partners? Sorry.

My dance card's full.

For my partner in the tango competition,

I choose...

The dean. (GASPS)

The fountain works.

(TANGO MUSIC BEGINS)

All these balls.

I'm so close, I can taste it.

Pierce, only you could turn a freshman mixer into a disaster.

I was this close to getting those two girls.

Jeff, look how close you're holding your fingers together.

That's your penis.

(LAUGH TRACK)

Guys, great news.

After just one forensics class,

I found a way to retrieve our student records.

It turns out there's a backup.

And it's in this safe.

(AUDIENCE REACTIONS)

I have a theory, Dean.

Do tell.

I don't think you want me to graduate.

Don't be absurd, Jeffrey.

I want success for all Greendale students.

Oh, really? Then answer me this.

What happened to the other history class?

What other history class?

The second history class, the one that actually taught history, that disappeared from the schedule after I took summer classes.

Oh, you're telling yourself a fantasy.

Who really made those counterfeited ice cream tickets?

Who's so good that they got your handwriting with its hearts and flourishes?

Oh, God, you're right.

I can't let you go, Jeffrey.

You weren't supposed to compete.

You were supposed to walk away with the rest of the study group.

You can't not get rid of me that easily.

Oh, God, why'd I make it feats of strength and grace?

It's as if I wanted you to win.

But that can't be true.

Smile. Best friends.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Let's hug it out. Okay.

Here. One more ball to go.

But it's another dance contest, so I think I got it.

What's wrong with Abed?

No, no, no, no, don't open the safe.

We're redoing our first three years.

That's what I want. It's okay, Abed.

Here's a trick I use when I feel overwhelmed.

Just imagine a happy place and then go there.

ALL: ♪ Greendale babies

♪ We're happy and we're free

♪ Greendale babies

♪ Fun for you and me

♪ Greendale babies forever ♪

Greendale Babies will be right back forever!

♪ Greendale babies ♪

Pierce, what did you do to Abed?

Gay balls!

Nailed it.

Don't ask. Don't tell.

Poor Abed. Is he in his Imagination Emporium?

Dreamatorium. No, this seems like something new.

Abed was having some anxiety about all the changes this year, so I may have told him to go to a happy place in his mind.

You told him to go somewhere in his mind?

Do you realize who you told that to?

The last competition to win a red ball begins in one minute.

Honestly, Jeff, you can go.

No one will think you're selfish.

This looks bad.

I wish I hadn't broken Abed.

There is one thing we could try.

Oh, okay.

(GRUNTS)

Hey, let's play pretend.

Yeah, we could be cowboys.

We could be spacemen.

(BABBLING)

That's right, baby Pierce. We can play forever.

It's not working. What's not working?

Okay, contestants, final competition begins right now.

God, I hate new Jeff.

Hey, guys, I have something to say.

ALL: Yay! Like always!

I was just outside Babyville.

There's nothing outside Babyville.

You know what, there is!

And it was scary, because change is always scary.

But then I thought of you guys, and I wasn't so scared.

Abed, when you brought this group together, you changed our lives, but then we changed each other.

And we're gonna keep changing in unexpected ways.

And we're still gonna be friends, even if we don't all become professors at Greendale or open a restaurant together or move into the same apartment building after Pierce dies.

(LAUGH TRACK)

Even if we go somewhere, we're not going anywhere.

ALL: Aw.

(APPLAUSE)

That was a killer speech, Jeff.

Oh. I didn't say anything.

I literally just walked up.

I know. I made the speech for you.

It hit all the right notes.

I was trying to hang on to this moment because I was so afraid of the future, but then I realized all of this was once the future.

And it was completely different from what I'd known before.

And it was happening so fast, but in the end, or in the now, I guess, it turned out great.

And just like ice cream, we've melted together and made a new...

I just had to run the scenario to figure it out.

Oh.

Sorry I missed the fountain.

It's okay. Britta introduced a new rule...

No rules.

Cool. We can discuss it.

When they were incepting, I got their balls.

Well, now that we're out of History of Ice Cream,

I can finally take Advanced Claims Denial.

You should take Forensics.

Can somebody tell me what the hell we just did?

Jeffrey. Jeffrey, wait.

Dean, what are you... (SNIFFS)

Oh! You smell like the floor of a movie theater.

Yeah, but not for the usual reasons.

I have had the worst day.

Our dance photo didn't come out, someone moved my stapler, and, worst of all, I hurt you.

But you'll be happy to know that we'll be offering another history class, because I care about you.

And not because I found out if we don't offer a real history class we'll lose, like, $40,000 in grant money.

Thank you, Dean.

By the way, you didn't have to come all this way to tell me that.

Oh, no, it wasn't a problem.

It's on my way.

Please tell me you're breaking into that condo.

No, I bought it.

Now we'll be like almost roomies.

Oh, good, you got wine. I've got Friends With Benefits.

No subtext.

I don't know why I was so worried about change.

This year's gonna be great.

I'll be right over.

(READS THE NOTE)

(LAUGH TRACK)

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Guaranteed to work. It's an antic.

Ah! Not so fast, you two.

Get ready to run. In these heels?

Where'd you girls get those dresses?

They're fabulous.

BOTH: Mmm. They're charming.

Oh!

Not so fast, Mister.

Excuse you?

Excuse me. Thank you, sir.

Not for you. Hello, it's Britta.

Okay, I know a man when I see one.

Oh, Lord, no!

(LAUGH TRACK)