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Conventions of Space and Time

(BLORGONS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Take that, Blorgon.

Good show, Inspector.

Oh, wow, there are 50 years of these, huh?

Yeah, isn't it great?

We can go anywhere and any time in the universe.

But it will probably be London during the Blitz.

Oh, I think I finally got Abed to agree to let you come to the Inspector Spacetime Convention.

Yay. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Are you watching Inspector Spacetime?

Why does he have to wake up so early?

Can't we just tell Abed that we're sleeping together?

No. No. Abed's fragile.

We have to ease him into it, okay?

Do we want him to freak out and then we have to rescue him from some fantasy world where submarines are small enough to enter the bloodstream?

I totally want to do that.

We need to go over the convention schedule again.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Just a minute.

Troy, it's a week away, and we need to revise our whole strategy.

Mwah.

Troy, I've printed out several maps of the convention center and color-coded the best potential routes.

Now we know I have a longer stride, but I'm assuming your superior physical fitness will allow you to compensate with greater speed.

One thing's for sure, though.

We need to save time by changing into our costumes in the car.

Curling iron. Thanks.

ABED: Coming.

Hi, Abed.

Just here for my breakfast date with Troy.

Oh, good morning, Britta.

I haven't seen you in over 12 hours.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

I know you two are having sex.

I've known for weeks. What?

Why didn't you say something?

I love doughnuts.

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

I just need to get my sunglasses, and then we can go.

We're gonna be late, and you don't need sunglasses to go to an Inspector Spacetime Convention.

You're right. For an Inspector Spacetime Convention,

I would need a bag to put over my head.

But Annie and I are going skiing.

That is the only reason I agreed to this road trip.

(BOTH SCREAM) What are you doing here?

I always come early to save my seat.

And what's this about a road trip?

Look, Pierce, no one was trying to leave you out.

We just assumed you wouldn't be interested.

Which is why we left you out.

That's not fair.

Why can't I go to a Captain Warptime Convention?

Because you'll ruin it.

I'm getting sick of everyone assuming that I have nothing to offer.

You know, in ancient Greece, it was considered an honor to invite a person my age to a space convention?

We didn't invite Shirley either.

Well, that's better then.

All right. BOTH: Good night.

Good night.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I can't believe it... Our first Inspecticon.

It's beautiful.

Now are you sure it's okay Britta's here?

Because she can just wait in the car. It's cool.

Now the first thing we need to do is find the booth where they take the gluon photo.

It's a photo where two people are fused together like the Inspector and Reggie were bonded for eternity in episode 704.

BOTH: Oh.

Wait, was there a female inspector?

Yes. And everyone hates her.

Not because they're sexist. Because she sucks.

Well, I think it's cool.

Britta. Annie.

You're on your own, Al Capone.

Everyone's entitled to their own opinion.

Am I the only one freaked out by that?

No, I think Abed was just showing that he's accepting of our relationship.

No, really. What was it?

Hey, Annie, sad news.

They closed the ski slopes.

A dozen scouts got buried in an avalanche.

So sad.

I say we cut our losses and head home.

What? Why? We're already here.

We can still have fun hanging out at the convention.

I'd have more fun hanging out with the parents that are circling the block.

Jeff, why are people staring at you?

Because they've never seen a man who's had sex before?

All right, how many of those do you have in your chamber?

Enough for the whole ride home.

(SNICKERING) Jeff.

What? We wanted it to be a surprise.

You bear a striking resemblance to Inspector Spacetime's supervillain Thoraxis.

Okay. Now we're definitely leaving.

But I've never been on an adult vacation before.

This is the first time I've stayed in a hotel without a number in its name.

Hey, you can stay if you want.

Fine. I'll be in my room.

Good. The reservation's under my name.

Enjoy the nerds.

I will enjoy the...

Jeff won. I know.

Abed, the gluon photo line looks really long.

We should probably get in it now.

Definitely. Right after I find Toby.

Who's Toby?

(CHUCKLES) Toby Weeks.

Arguably the biggest Inspector Spacetime fan in the world.

We've been emailing for months.

Oh. You never mentioned him.

Well, you've been so busy lately having sex.

Besides, we talked about embracing change, so I'm expanding my social circle.

I just hope he makes it.

He works in Nigeria in banking.

He almost couldn't come because all his money was tied up in this financial thing, but I sent him 700 pounds and a plane ticket, so he should be here.

Oh, Abed.

There he is.

You must be Abed.

Inspector.

Ooh, before I forget, here is your check.

Thanking you very much indeed. Nice.

You wouldn't believe how many people I emailed asking for help, and they completely ignored me.

Hmm. Toby, this is Britta.

Fraulein.

And my best friend Troy.

And where's your constable?

Oh, my best friend Andrew.

He was supposed to come, but then his wife wouldn't let him go at the last minute.

She's such a... BOTH: Minerva.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, oh, Minerva.

What a bitch.

Wait, was that the female inspector?

Not in front of Toby.

Hey, gluon line, we should probably get in it right now.

Alternatively, someone might just happen to have a pair of tickets to the sold-out panel,

"Which Inspector would win in a fight in space,

"and which Inspector would win in a fight in time?"

We can get that photo later.

Yeah, later.

That was when I wanted to take it.

Are you sure Troy and Abed want us here?

They do. They just don't know it yet.

Now, remember, we're just a couple of Captain Warphead fans.

Nobody will even notice we're here.

Excuse me. No... Yes?

Will you come with us?

Where? Why? When? Okay.

MAN ON PHONE: Room service.

Yes, I'd like to order some food.

And how many people will be dining today, Mrs. Winger?

Oh, I'm not...

Two.

Yeah, I'd like a turkey burger and a second turkey burger, but with no bun.

My husband doesn't do carbs.

But he would like a scotch.

And what kind of scotch would your husband prefer?

The good kind.

I'll see what we can do.

Yes, Mrs. Winger?

Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you, but are you Nigel Cuthbertson, the actor who played Thoraxis?

(BAD BRITISH ACCENT) Call me Nige.

We have every right to be here, and I don't know if you're being sexist, ageist, racist, or what, but I don't think I like your -ist.

Actually, we need your help.

We're focus-testing a new American version of Inspector Spacetime, and you two represent several significant quadrants.

Oh, I don't know.

Your thoughts would be very valuable to us.

We're in.

Toby, did you see... The Christmas special? Horrible.

But when you consider what it set up... Brilliant.

Is that... Let's go.

What about the photo?

Do they even have to talk?

They could just touch tentacles and download.

You know, this is good, because, you know,

Abed's branching out, and Toby's really, really great.

No. Troy, I have seen that look.

Girls have given me that look.

You are not being crazy.

That dude is trying to steal your boyfriend.

I'm gonna get a refill.

What if Abed wants to replace me?

It makes me so angry and sad all at the same time.

I know, but you have to hide it, because, for some reason, men find these feelings to be psycho, and, if you freak out, it's only gonna push Abed away.

Like I always say, if you love someone, set them free, and, if they don't come back to you, they were never yours to begin with.

That makes no sense.

What if they get hit by a car or fall down a well?

Remind me not to put you down as my emergency contact.

All right. Play it cool.

Make nice with Toby.

Yeah.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)

So?

What did everyone think?

I thought it was pretty good.

I was confused.

And what confused you?

The time travel mostly.

Also the space travel.

Anything else?

How many clipboards you got?

Raise the klaxon.

Me lorry's plunging it into the Thames, methinks.

(LAUGHTER)

Hey, do you mind if I practice my American accent?

I have an audition.

Of course.

You really are an Inspector Spacetime fan.

Ever since I was little.

What is it you like about the show?

I think the show's philosophy poses some really interesting...

Questions about the nature... Bow before Thoraxis. Bow before Thoraxis.

I'm so sorry.

Bow before Thoraxis. This is my ringtone.

Bow before Thoraxis.

Okay, seriously, what was it?

You wear glasses? You have a back brace?

Say it. I don't care.

MAN: And I asked myself what does space smell like?

You see, the thing of it...

Oh, hey, there you guys are.

Oh, this is so nice, just three friends, friending around all unthreatened-like.

Terribly sorry. This is slightly embarrassing.

I seem to have forgotten your name.

It's Troy! You know it's Troy!

Okay, it's the first part of Troy and Abed.

Toby and Abed in the Morning?

That's ridiculous.

I'm not psycho!

MAN: Okay.

Where was I? Oh, yes...

Troy's been acting weird lately.

The same thing happened with my constable when he got a wife.

Which means of course I now have one spare ticket to the 50th anniversary Inspector Spacetime Convention in London.

Demiceninspecticon?

But it's so soon, and London's too far.

In England, Cadbury creme eggs are sold year-round.

I thought that was just a legend.

Past life as an alien...

ANNIE: Just a minute.

Just a second.

I've got your hair dryer, Mrs. Winger.

Oh, thank you, Randy, but it's not for me.

It's for my husband. He really needs the diffuser for his hair.

It sounds shallow, but he's a lawyer.

Actually, having dual careers has put a lot of stress on our marriage.

Hence the separate rooms.

But I think this trip is really gonna change all that.

My husband will finally see me not as a world-famous police detective, but as a woman.

Your husband's a lucky man.

That he is.

(COUGHS)

Mmm.

Tastes of bog.

You see? It's funny because it's clear.

(CHUCKLES)

Actually I would like to say something.

I am friends with a couple of huge Inspector Spacetime fans, and I think what they like about the show is that it's smart, complicated, and doesn't talk down to its audience.

So, if you'd like to make a really good American version, you should stay true to that.

Hey, instead of this constable, what about a blonde with long legs and a tennis racket?

Yes.

Please. For me.

Bow before...

Normally we don't concern ourselves with adultery,

'cause then hotels wouldn't exist.

But everyone here thinks you're so nice.

So I had to bring you down here.

I don't believe it. He told me he was leaving.

Say your catchphrase.

I'd rather not.

What the hell is going on here?

Suddenly our marriage isn't worth repairing?

What?

Whoo! Wait, Nigel is married?

That is so Thoraxis.

And your American accent isn't at all convincing.

We come all this way, and you just leave me alone without so much as sending a text message?

I am sick of it, Jeff...

Nigel Winger.

Can I get two more of these, please?

Enough!

This day has turned crazy.

I'm gonna go upstairs, towel off, and pray to God that I wake up in the middle of a final for a class I didn't know I was enrolled in.

(SCOFFS)

Shoo.

Oh, honey.

You went all psycho girlfriend on Abed, didn't you?

Yeah. I screwed up.

Classic Troy.

It's okay. It happens to the best of us.

I got you a present.

A quantum spanner.

Yeah, it lights up or plays music or something.

Britta, would you agree to be bonded to me forever in the gluon chamber for an expensive souvenir photograph?

Absolutely.

(SIGHS)

Thank you.

(SILENTLY) What?

I can't wait. We can visit the original Spacetime set.

And I've got a spare bedroom, so you can stay as long as you like.

That all sounds great.

But I don't know if I could just pick up and leave.

I have a life here. For now.

What do you mean?

Well, let's face it. Neurotypicals don't have the same focus you or I have.

They always get distracted...

By marriage, kids, competitive cooking shows.

Like your best friend David.

That's right.

Who was planning on coming here even though you were trapped in Nigeria?

Yeah, but I wouldn't say trapped.

And you went to me and not to your best friend and constable for help?

Well, his wife probably deleted the email.

She's a total... BOTH: Minerva.

Right.

And you're dressed as the third Inspector, who was famous for trying to strangle the actor who played Constable Dudley, because they were both pursuing Linda McCartney.

David doesn't actually exist, does he?

You're mad.

Nothing you've said can prove that.

Except that when we met you said his name was Andrew.

Bollocks. Yeah.

All right. Guilty as charged.

Look, I had to be sure, didn't I?

When you sent me that first email in which you figured out that Inspector Spacetime is both his own grandfather and grandmother,

I knew we were soul mates.

You and I are special.

Neurotypicals won't admit it, but some people are just better than everybody else.

They can't handle it, so they always leave.

Just like how the brilliant Inspector has constant adventures, while his constables always eventually return to their dull, ordinary Earth lives.

But maybe there's a reason the Inspector always chooses a human companion.

He's an alien, but his human friends keep him grounded and invested in the world, like with me and Troy.

If I could Winger you for a second.

Sure. I don't know what that means, but...

Maybe all relationships are made up of logical inspectors and emotional constables, and we need both to make space and time a better place.

Maybe you're right.

Wait, wait. Toby, Toby, Toby, no.

Wait just a second.

(CHUCKLES) Just playing a game.

(EMITS HIGH-PITCHED WHINE)

You have to let me out.

No, not until Stockholm Syndrome sets in.

How long do you think that'll be, a couple of hours?

Would you love me if I got you a churro?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) JEFF: Annie.

Annie, I...

I'm not sure how much air there is in here!

And still you talk.

Troy will find me.

Who? You know who Troy is.

Yeah. Troy will find me.

Okay, just hold it there. Okay.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Everything okay?

Everything's fine.

What is a gluon anyway?

Can we stop talking about Abed?

I'm sorry. I can't.

It doesn't feel right.

It's okay. I understand.

Go to him.

Are you sure? I've told you before.

I don't care about Inspector Spacetime.

Toby.

Where's Abed?

He's packing.

He said you have a girlfriend and don't need him anymore.

He's coming with me to England.

You're lying.

How would you know?

Because Abed's my friend, and he would have told me.

And he would have explained it to me in very clear terms, because I get confused sometimes.

He's in there, isn't he?

(CHUCKLES) No.

Hey, Troy. Hey, Abed.

Toby, have you ever been in a fight?

Because I have.

Oh, my God. He can make a fist.

That would hurt harder than a slap.

He's in that one.

I know that.

You okay?

I am.

You know, for the first time in my long history of being locked inside things,

I knew someone would come.

Still want to take the gluon photo?

What do you think?

Yes.

Yes.

Well, I just went upstairs and saw your room.

Saw the two robes, the two coffee cups, one with lipstick, one without.

And I saw actual hair that looked a lot like mine on my side of the sink, so I have some questions.

Oh, God. First one, is that actually my hair, and, if so, did it fall out naturally?

Because if it did, you need to tell me right now,

'cause I have to call science.

Also, what the hell is going on?

All right, I may have been play-acting that we were married, and then the staff thought you were cheating, and I had to save face.

Do I have to worry about this?

No, I was just daydreaming.

I mean, I've married you at least a half a dozen times.

And Troy. And Zac Efron.

Mostly Zac Efron.

Does Zac get a drink thrown in his face?

(LAUGHTER)

I don't know. I guess I was a little hurt that you ditched me.

I mean, we are friends, right?

Would it have been that painful to hang out together?

Well, I can tell you one thing your fantasy got wrong.

If we were married, you wouldn't find me flirting with another woman in a hotel bar.

But there are a lot of things that you think are fun that I wouldn't want to do because I'm...

Older? Not lame.

Do you want to hang out now?

Can I buy you a drink? What do you want?

An appletini.

Oh, God, don't make me order that.

Please? Please?

(GIGGLES) Appletini.

BRITTA: That is so great.

And I have a surprise for you guys.

Pow!

Really pushing me here. He's back.

Do you mind if we crash this party?

That we already crashed.

Pierce, Shirley, I'm glad you guys made it.

It was rude of me not to invite you. I'm sorry.

Just remember, Abed, I did my best.

We both did.

You're welcome.

So I guess we're taking off.

Actually, I'd like to stay for a little while.

Yeah? Yeah.

You don't have to do that for me.

Well, who says it's just for you?

Guys, get your phones ready, because you are only gonna see this once.

(ALL GASPING)

Bow before Thoraxis.

See, this is why I don't hang with you folks on the weekends.

(ROCK MUSIC)

Here we are, the 1960s,

the greatest, grooviest period in the entire history

of the entire universe.

I'm lucky. I get to visit places like this

because I can travel through time and space,

but not both at once.

Do you know why that is, ensign?

Because, Inspector Spacetime,

our minds would be blown with the space/time confusion.

That's right.

And now I must sleep with the sexiest woman here,

who is also my grandmother,

or I will cease to exist.

How do you know I'm not your grandmother?

There's only one way to find out.

I hate you.