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Herstory of Dance

And then in the season finale, they reveal the whole thing was a dream, when the inspector wakes up next to a very young and very topless Cheryl Tiegs.

(GROANING)

Even Pierce loves this show now?

It's not Inspector Spacetime.

It's the American version, and it's a travesty.

It's broad, obvious, sexist, and the timing is...

Honey, I'm Dean!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, Jeffrey, you are too much. (LAUGHS)

Why, I was doing some house cleaning the other day...

"Deana Reed" style...

When I realized, "Gosh, golly,

"it's been ages since we had a dance."

So, this Friday we are going back to Greendale's golden age with an old-fashioned sock hop!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

The health department requires you wear shoes.

What a "coincidean."

You're throwing a dance the same day the CDC is confiscating our drinking fountains. Well...

Placating students with a fun event.

Classic bread and circuses.

In ancient Rome, the emperor would distract the populace from their problems by allocating money for free bread and circuses.

I've been making a conscious effort to get away from filtering everything through TV.

I figured it's time I showed some growth.

It's been three and a half seasons...

Is what the old me would have said.

Oh. Aw.

Anyhoo, it is a Sadie Hawkins dance, which means girls ask the boys. Oh, I love those!

So, ladies, get out there and make yourselves useful.

(SNORTS) So you're saying There's one day a year when women are free to choose their own mates.

What is this, cave-person times?

Well I have already started on a Sadie Hawkins banner, so this thing is pretty much set in stone.

Well then maybe I'll throw my own dance, one that doesn't conform to your oppressive gender norms.

Give me a break.

You think a dance can just be thrown together willy-nilly?

You think I decide to just do a rain forest theme and buy palm fronds and rig the sprinkler system to...

Hold on, I gotta write this down.

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream

♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam

♪ Somebody said it can be here

♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay

♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪

So, Britta, you're gonna throw a protest dance?

Is that a thing?

It is now.

And instead of Sadie Hawkins, my dance will honor a real feminist icon, someone who worked for women's rights every day of the year... Sophie B. Hawkins.

Oh... It wasn't really...

You know what, Britta, you're right.

A Sophie B. Hawkins dance is just what this school needs...

Thanks, Jeff.

To celebrate Sophie B. Hawkins and all her accomplishments.

Jeez, Winger, who's throwing this dance, me or you?

Um, Britta, I think you meant to say Susan B. Anthony, not Sophie B. Hawkins.

Britta for the whoops!

Didn't you have a cat named Susan B. Anthony?

How did you manage to "Britta" that?

I didn't "Britta" anything. I meant Sophie B. Hawkins.

Really? Your plan was to throw a dance honoring the singer of Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover?

And As I Lay Me Down which in my opinion is the far superior song.

Ooh, that is a good song. Yeah.

Yes.

I am throwing a Sophie B. Hawkins dance.

(GASPS) And it is gonna be amazing, and when people come they're gonna be like,

"Damn! She straight Britta'd' this!"

Because, that's right, I'm taking it back!

You're really doing this?

Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years

I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.

So you can say I "Britta'd" it?

Yes, of course. That goes without saying.

But come on, it was a small mistake.

Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brit-astrophe."

I coined that. Jeff, if you don't want to come to my dance you are free to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance, which will be happening at the same time across the cafeteria.

Our school has limited venue options.

Oh, I wouldn't miss it.

Oh, and one last thing... You do realize that if you call it a Sophie B. Hawkins dance people will expect Sophie B. Hawkins to actually be there, right?

(LAUGHS) Yes.

And when she comes I'm gonna be like,

"I Will Remember You doubting me."

That's a Sarah Mclachlan song.

So, Abed, I was thinking about what you said, about showing growth, and I was thinking maybe one way to do that is to meet new people and... Where's this going?

Can I set you up with a date for the Sadie Hawkins day dance? A blind date.

I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste...

Mmm. But...okay.

Ooh, if you're open to meeting someone, there's a number of eligible young ladies in my church. Shirley!

I'm already finding a date for Abed. I asked first.

There's no reason we can't both help Abed find someone.

Why don't we each pick a girl and then let Abed decide, instead of making it a competition.

That's exactly a competition.

So it is. Only for the loser.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I need the computer.

Pierce, there are, like, dozens of computers.

Yeah, but my email is on this one.

Pierce! Jeez, what's up your butt?

I may have lied this morning about meeting Sophie B. Hawkins because I didn't want Jeff to make fun of me, and then I may have lied to cover that lie, and now I'm in deep...lies.

So what? So you told a lie, big deal.

The important thing is never to admit it.

Actually, I was thinking about coming clean.

And give Winger the satisfaction?

Hell, no.

Besides, anything could happen between now and that dance.

An asteroid could hit.

Do you want to be the schmuck who apologizes just before the world ends?

That kind of makes sense. Thank you.

Damn right it makes sense.

You're talking to the wisest man on campus.

Now seriously, I need to get to my email.

The post office is about to close.

Pierce!

Guys, check out my friend Britta's

Sophie B. Hawkins dance.

I'll be spinning the hits from yesterday and today, which are basically the same to me since I have Changnesia.

That guy's like Teflon.

No matter how much awful stuff he does, he keep getting another chance.

Yeah, he's like the Colin Farrell of people.

You want to help me with Britta's dance?

Could be a chance for classic Troy and Abed hijinks.

In the interest of growth I'm trying to avoid hijinks, as well as capers, romps, and exploits.

Escapades are a gray area.

(CLEARS THROAT) Abed. This is Kat.

Hi, Kat. Nice to meet you.

She wants to ask you something.

Isn't she perfect for Abed?

She's like one of those quirky girls from the movies.

I saw her in the cafeteria trying to pay for lunch with a song.

(BALLOON SQUEAKS)

I asked if you'd go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me into the balloon.

Could you hear it? Sure, I'd be happy to go with you.

Super duper Mister Cooper! (CLICKS MOUTH)

(CLICKS MOUTH)

Nice.

So, you chose the girl I picked. (CHUCKLES)

It's cool. Not like it was a competition or anything.

Just be gentle when you tell Shirley that she was the loser.

Or do you want me to tell her?

It's cool. I'll handle it.

So, was that girl an alien or a toddler with a growing disease?

Hello, Abed.

I talked to a lovely girl at my church and she'd be happy to go to the dance with you.

I appreciate it, Shirley, but I...

I hope you will at least consider it, and not just because saying "no" would crush this poor girl, but because I don't want you to miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime.

You're right.

I'd love to go to Britta's dance with her.

Oh, goody! I'll set it up.

Oh, I hope this doesn't hurt Annie's feelings.

Maybe I should go tell her.

No need. I'll handle it.

Oh, okay. Bye-bye. (GIGGLES)

At the risk of discovering I'm living two parallel lives like that guy in Awake, don't you already have a date to the dance?

Yep. Now I have two, which means

I can do the classic two dates in one night sitcom trope.

I'll get to wear two outfits. Mix up their names.

Maybe hide under a table. What about growth?

I tried to go in a more grounded direction, but I still ended up in a comically implausible situation.

It's like Shirley said, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity for hijinks.

I can't pass it up.

It seems like you already passed up a great opportunity for hijinks. I did?

Uh, duh doy! Britta's dance?

You think two dates is crazy?

Planning a dance is hijinks city, population hijinks.

Troy, I need your help.

Get some ice?

Wac...wacky ice. The ice will be wacky.

(CROWD CHATTERING)

(MUSIC IN BACKGROUND)

Thank you for the corsage.

Oh, it matches your carnation. How cute.

Oh, I'm glad you like it.

I was afraid you'd think it was old-fashioned.

I like old-fashioned.

I find it refreshing.

Speaking of refreshing, I'm gonna get us some punch.

Be right back. Oh!

Hi, I'm Kevin.

Apparently I'm your DJ tonight.

Uh, I really don't know what I'm doing, so...

If you have a request, please be specific.

I have Changnesia.

Can I help you?

Oh, I just wanted to try on a different look.

I'm pretty indecisive, so I may be back here a few times, if that's okay.

Mmm-hmm. Cool.

I'm also gonna need to check this Gideon's Bible and this jelly bean kaleidoscope.

Icebreakers. Mmm.

Hey, Britta. Where's Sophie B.?

Is she backstage drinking Zima and counting her beanie babies?

Sorry, I can't divulge that.

Stars and their privacy, you know.

But she'll definitely be here?

Oh, yeah. Sophie be coming.

So it just be coincidence that somebody posted a Craigslist ad an hour ago that says, "Looking for Sophie B. Hawkins,

"or convincing Sophie B. Hawkins impersonator

"to play community college dance tonight.

"Very little money."

It's weird how in demand she is.

Good thing we booked her early.

Britta, we're running low on chips. Here's what I'm thinking.

I go over to the Sadie Hawkins dance as the snack inspector, doing random spot checks, and confiscate their chips.

All I need is a disguise.

Or you could just go to the supply closet and get some more chips.

Okay, but I, I still need to use the moustache probably.

Here, in lieu of flowers

I got you this. It's quirky.

(COCKNEY ACCENT) Thanks, guv'nor!

I'll just put it in me invisible sack.

Okay, I'm gonna get us some punch.

SHIRLEY: Hey!

How are things going with you and Jessica?

Are you two... as they say on TV... making a connection?

Unless that means sex, in which case I hope you are not.

Things are great.

Actually, Jessica did mention that she's cold.

Could she borrow your sweater? Oh.

Maybe the purple one you wore last week.

I didn't see you wear it home, so I think it's still in your locker next to your umbrella.

I guess I could check.

Could you? That'd be great.

Okay.

Hey, roomie.

What do you think of Kat?

Did she tell you she plays the saw?

I thought she was in an all-girl kazoo band?

They need a rhythm section, duh.

Well, keep me posted. I'm gonna go say hi to Britta.

No, don't!

Because you have something in your teeth. A lot of somethings.

I do? What is it?

Ooh, I can't tell in this light.

But it's definitely there.

You should probably check it out in the bathroom.

Maybe the second floor one? Better light.

(LIPS TIGHT) I will. Thank you.

You're a good friend.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

(CHUCKLES)

Hello, Jeffrey.

Are you enjoying the sock hop?

A sock hop Britta has all but "Britta'd" by not "Britta-ing" her own dance.

Well, the night is young.

Mmm. By the way,

I'm surprised you let her share the cafeteria with you.

Oh, I didn't want to. But once she guaranteed the presence of a certain someone, I couldn't say no.

(CHUCKLES) I wouldn't get your hopes up for Sophie B...

Oh, it's me. Shall we dance? Whoop.

Are you reading the Bible? No spoilers.

I'm really hoping that things turn around for this Job guy.

So, how do I look?

Good. Except you gotta lose the hat.

It doesn't go with the minister's daughter.

You know what I'm doing. Yeah.

You're on two dates at once.

I've been watching you since you came in.

I'm not good with faces. Is that a judgmental face or a happy face?

I think it's awesome.

It's one of my favorite bits, like when a dog acts embarrassed, or when a guy chases after the girl and then does that big public declaration of love.

It's not realistic. It's taking something private and turning it into a performance.

Well, I think the dog's trained.

No, I was talking about the public declaration of love...

Oh, you're messing with me. Yes, I was.

So this thing's turning out to be a little tougher than I thought. You wanna help?

(SIGHS) I'd like to, but I've still got like

1,200 pages left of this Bible. Yes, of course I would.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Tonight's Sadie Hawkins dance

is brought to you by Hawthorne Wipes.

For the little lady who knows her place in the kitchen.

And tonight's Sophie B. Hawkins dance

is brought to you by Hawthorne Wipes.

Perfect for cleaning the dashboard of your '92 Subaru.

(BACKGROUND SOCK HOP MUSIC)

Ah, quite a turnout, Britta.

Yep. Didn't know Sophie B. Hawkins was so big at Greendale.

Oh, yeah. A large percentage of Greendale students sort of gave up in the mid '90s, so for many of them

Sophie B. Hawkins is the most recent music they're aware of.

I mean, her coming here is gonna be a huge boost to their spirits. Great.

Whereas, her not showing up would be enough to push these people to such a dark place and really question whether life is worth living at all.

Okay, bye-bye.

So, how long have you been doing Bible studies?

I mean, making miniature hats out of duct tape?

Oh, duct tape hat... (GASPS) Oh!

(GIBBERING) Ah!

So you've never seen any of the Star Wars movies?

We were taught popular films were the work of the devil.

Well, if you're talking about The Phantom Menace, you were taught right.

Telegram.

Ooh, yeah, it's urgent.

Be right back.

Pierce, Sophie B. Hawkins isn't coming.

Everyone's gonna know I'm a liar.

Help me. Oh, Britta.

Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine that everyone called a liar.

His name was Bernie Madoff.

Pierce! He was a liar.

He stole billions of dollars from his clients.

Has this been confirmed?

Oh, my God. I "Britta'd" it.

Bernie?

Oh, hi, Shirley. Hello, Annie.

Abed seems to be having a good time, which is all that matters.

You're right.

Looks like he made the right choice.

He certainly did.

So, we agree. The best woman won.

She certainly did.

He's on two dates, isn't he?

He certainly is.

(LAUGHS) This is the most fun I've ever had on a work study gig.

And I used to run the frozen yogurt machine before that old guy broke it.

There's been so many close calls.

I keep forgetting details, using the wrong names, having to duck behind plants.

BOTH: Aah! This night has been perfect.

Oh, what else is on the list?

BOTH: Oh! Sorry.

If this were a movie, this would be the part where we kiss.

You're right.

Except we're doing a sitcom trope, so it'd be totally out of place.

Time to go get caught and make an impassioned plea to the girl I really like.

I think I'm gonna go with Jessica.

She seems to be the audience favorite.

Okay, bye.

Uh-oh.

Did you really think you'd get away with this?

Let me explain. What about wanting to grow?

Or was that just a lie so you could do another world-famous Abed TV adventure?

These are real people you're messing with.

Kat is over there hula-hooping all by herself.

Abed, in the real world people can actually get hurt.

Oh, this is great. So, I got a request for,

"You suck at this. Get off the stage."

Okay, I don't know if that's the band or the song.

Again, apologies. Changnesia.

Well, it blew up in my face, in a slightly different way than I planned.

Can I help you? Where's Rachel?

She said she had to go.

Where? I don't know. She seemed upset.

She ran out of here without tagging half this stuff.

I mean, whose water wings are these?

(GASPS) Come back here!

Never mind.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

I know. Sorry.

I did mean what I said about growth.

But then you were both so intent on getting me dates,

I couldn't help myself.

It was wrong, and hurtful.

I see that now.

Well, maybe setting you up was a bad idea.

Yeah, I guess neither of our girls were really right for you.

The worst part is that I met a girl tonight that I really do like.

But I was so busy chasing one trope,

I missed the trope right under my nose...

That the girl I liked all along was under my nose.

And now I've screwed things up.

I don't know if I can make them right.

BOTH: Aw! Wait.

This one's real, right? Yeah, I'm really sad.

BOTH: Aw!

Well, go find her, dummy.

Yeah, haven't you ever seen a movie?

ALL: Sophie! Sophie! Sophie!

Sophie. Sophie. Sophie.

I hate to say I told you so, but I'm gonna say it to Britta's face.

ALL: Sophie! Sophie! Sophie!

What is the nature of hope?

Sophie's not coming, guys.

(ALL BOOING)

Boo! Boo!

Looks like someone underestimated the time it takes to plan a dance.

(ALL BOOING)

Hey, hey, hey! It's Sophie B. Hawkins!

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

Good evening! I'm Sophie B. Hawkins.

I think you know this one.

Oh, man.

(PLAYING DAMN I WISH I WAS YOUR LOVER)

♪ That old dog has chained you up all right

♪ Give you everything you need

♪ To live inside a twisted cage

♪ Sleep beside an empty rage

Did you do this?

If it's possible to make something happen by willing it, then, yes, I did.

♪ Damn, I wish I was your lover

♪ I'd rock you till the daylight comes

♪ Made sure you are smiling and warm

♪ I am everything

♪ Tonight I'll be your mother

♪ I'll do such things to ease your pain

♪ Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed

♪ Oh ♪

Pardon me, Sophie. (FEEDBACK)

I have something to say. (CROWD GRUMBLES)

There was a girl here tonight. Her name was Rachel.

I met her, and it was very pleasant.

And I made a mistake.

And now I'd very much like to continue this conversation in private.

SOPHIE: Wow, viva lost love.

(CHEERING)

(MUSIC RESTARTS) ♪ Damn

♪ I wish I was your lover

♪ I'd rock you till the daylight comes... ♪

You came back. That was pretty embarrassing.

I had to... (LAUGHS) Hmm.

It was. But I'm glad I did it.

So, would you like to go out sometime?

I would like that.

Do you want to pretend like you're just going out with me on a bet?

Oh, I'd like that very much. Mmm-hmm.

But maybe we should try normal first.

Sure. BOTH: Aw!

I prefer As I Lay Me Down. Me too.

I can't believe she pulled this off.

I know.

According to dean law, I must now give her my amulet.

What? Hmm?

Well, she had a little help from a wise old man who was the official supplier of Moist Towelette to the Lilith Fair between 1997 and 1999.

I knew it. You're safe.

You did this? But why?

Because, in the face of all logic and reason,

Britta didn't back down. That makes no sense.

Also, I didn't like the way you were being such a jerk to her.

Well, she was acting crazy.

Yeah, but what choice did she have?

You make fun of her, you use her name as a synonym for screwing up.

Cut her some slack, Jeff.

(CHEERING) She helped you reconcile with your dad.

For Pete's sake, let her be happy.

(SOPHIE HAWKINS'S AS I LAY ME DOWN)

♪ It felt like springtime on this February morning

♪ In the courtyard birds were singing your praise

"I know it's probably impossible to read my texts

"without them sounding sarcastic,

"but I assure you,

"this one is as earnest as they come.

"Congratulations on an awesome dance.

"You Britta'd the hell out of this thing."

♪ This I pray

♪ That you will hold me, dear

♪ As I lay me down to sleep

♪ This I pray

♪ That you will hold me, dear

♪ Though I'm far away

♪ I'll whisper your name

♪ Into the sky

Can you do one where you wish you had ice cream?

♪ Damn, I wish I had some ice cream ♪

Ah! So good!

Okay, can you do one where you wish I was Batman?

Fine, but this is the last one. Okay.

♪ Damn, I wish Abed was Batman

Ah, it's just so good! I love it so much!

All right, all right. You guys are taking advantage of Mrs. B. Hawkins.

No, but...but... But...but...

But you nothing, she's an artist.

She is not here to do your bidding.

Sorry about that.

Now, if you could just sing

"Dean, I wish I was your lover" with these new lyrics. It's for my voicemail.

Who's Jeff Winger? Just sing the damn song.